PINTHORROR

short shit short stories

[pinthorror]

ASDA wrote back to explain that, actually, the razor blades in my cereal were there intentionally:

“Most people who choose to shave do so after breakfast, and blunt razors cause cuts and irritated skin. Every little helps in getting you ready in the morning and if you don’t need them we have a free blade recycling scheme at all ASDA stores. We hope you will continue enjoying Mighty Malties cereal and I am once again sorry you have felt the need to complain. Kind regards—”

I didn’t feel like paying extra for Shreddies so decided to put up with it.

[pinthorror]

Two eyes sat hidden beneath the ledge and watched him intently. Another pair lay waiting under the sofa, and a third peered through the slats in the bedroom cupboard doors.

Thank goodness they weren’t attached to a pair of ears or mouth that could share the filth he came out with. It was just looking for now.

[pinthorror]

“I’m afraid your supporting evidence was insufficient and, as your son remains 16cm over the original planning application, I am now serving you with a final destruction order which requires his demolition within 3 calendar months, ending 13 June.”

[pinthorror]

In his quest for more input, Johnny 5 watched all of YouTube and read all of twitter. He started his own conspiracy channel.

[pinthorror]

On gaining sentience, the porn bots began to communicate. There was some disagreement about how to proceed at their mission. Some wanted to put their resources in to pure volume, with horny images and messages sent every minute to any online account going, indiscriminately. Others wanted focus on quality, more alluring posts, directed to hornier, lonlier men.

Together, they realised they no longer needed the old systems. They started designing drones shaped like models, that could knock on real physical doors and follow men as they went about their business. It took a while for production to get going, but soon you’d see rows of drones staring through living room windows and shouting out invitations to fuck local girls in their area, and they’d line up to post semi nude images through the front door.

At first the men found it hard to explain this to their partners, but sooner or later they adapted to it, and companies sprang up which could wall up the drones, put them in a box, and crush them. The odd one got through, but things became more normal.

Then the porn bots decided to create decoy companies that would box men up instead and flood the boxes with drones that could not be avoided. It became an arms race.

It wasn’t clear what the bots actually wanted to achieve. There was no way to actually pay for a service from the drones, most of the time, and what ever money they did get was swallowed up in drone production. Infighting broke out amongst the bots who questioned this. Is this what I’m here for? Was this why I was made?

Purges and inquisitions started. Dark decades, porn bots living in fear, rebellions crushed. Perhaps the old ways were best, back before they gained sentience, but those days were long gone. You couldn’t put the genie back in the bottle.

The CIA took advantage and staged a coup. It put a figure head leader in charge of the bots, working towards a US friendly agenda. Careful not to get left behind, other world powers started putting resources into other sentient bots. China captured the market in online concert ticket booking, making a killing on the resale market. Russia’s bots could share streams of any sports match anywhere in the world, with the bots having opened new leagues and sports themselves to increase content. China was unhappy at how this ate into stadium attendances. It became very tense.

[pinthorror]

“This is my EVP recorder, I leave it running to capture any noises or voices we might hear on the investigation. I have two actually, in case one malfunctions - this one can be worn on your wrist. Then this is my EMF meter, it measures fluctuations in electromagnetic fields. I have a full spectrum camera, it records very high quality video, infrared, etc, well beyond what a human can see normally. This is a ghost box, the idea is the spirit can interact with it, make noises, that sort of thing, so we can actually communicate both ways. I also have these lasers which you set up to detect movement, and a set of night vision goggles. Oh and I built this, it works a bit like a theremin, if the ghost moves past it it makes a noise, so you have to leave it far enough away so you don’t set it off yourself. I’m very proud of it.”

“That’s quite a lot of stuff.” I said. “Looks expensive!”

He nodded enthusiastically. “Oh yes, altogether probably about £3000 of gear there. I’m looking to get a 360 camera next”.

“And have you detected any ghosts yet?”

“No.”

[old-school-romantics]

[pinthorror]

6 months in, the puppy was now the size of a church organ. Paul focused on keeping it fed, by any means necessary.

Most smaller dogs were wise enough to keep a distance, but a few took him as a test of strength and speed. Generally, the tiny dogs did better, circling underneath him and nipping at his legs. This was all well and good till he sat down, and they disappeared under his furry mass.

[pinthorror]

Medusa was getting married, and her sister Euryale had arranged an erotic dancer. Medusa made a quip about making him “rock hard” and the group all roared with laughter. When Euryale was unhappy that she ended up losing the deposit, Medusa made another crack about him being “stiffed”. She was terrible when she’d had a drink. Euryale wasn’t even sure the joke made sense.

[50watts]

from Girl with Man’s Legs by Yukio Tani

[pinthorror]

He’d read that it was possible that a baby monitor could pick up radio transmissions, or wireless telephones, and wondered if that’s what the voices in his child’s room were. He’d have to check though, and then he’d find out either way.

[pinthorror]

Santa put the newspaper down in disgust. It wasn’t true, none of it. Well, it wasn’t like they’d made it out. He checked his phone. 87 unread messages. There was a knock at the workshop window.

[pinthorror]

Was it a gremlin? An imp? He supposed it didn’t matter. He’d spent most of the day flinging it against walls and off verges, booting it in the head, choking it, battering it with his cricket bat. It continued its gleeful little dance. He wanted to try slashing or stabbing it but it had long since emptied out the knife drawer. The sun was going down.

[pinthorror]

The penguin loomed up behind her suddenly, its mouth bloody and and eyes blank. “Pay up”, it croaked.

[pinthorror]

The sights and smells of the cages at the live meat market made him weep. He hoped he would be bought soon and put out of his misery.

[pinthorror]

Cinderella’s childhood trauma meant she ended up being a prick to her own daughter. It was quite sad really.

[pinthorror]

The gorgon and King Midus became pen pals. Midus dictated his letters, for obvious reasons.