[pistolnannass]

My expectations for life are sky high

Yet somehow I drown

I’m not sure why I even try

When it’s always tumbling down

I pretend I’m alright

Like I’m up on the clouds

But I can’t really fly

With both feet on the ground

[pistolnannass]

1/3/18

It’s been so long since I’ve felt this way

I’m trying to gather the right words to say

That I miss you

But I’ll try

Because with you I feel safe

Only imagining your hands

Intertwined with mine

Brings me enough comfort

To last me a lifetime

And just laying there with you

Tossed under warm sheets

Tracing my fingers along your skin

As you gently hold my chin

Just gazing into your eyes

As we breath each other in

That’s where I want to be

With you right here

Next to me

Because it’s been so long since I’ve felt this way

And I’m struggling with the right words to say

That I miss you

[pistolnannass]

12/9/17

You know what’s funny

Is I do still blame myself

Even though I know it wasn’t all my fault

I still do it

I guess maybe

Taking responsibility for it all makes things easier for me

Like not holding so much hate in my heart

Because I feel as if I don’t hold that right

It makes it easier to hear people assume I’m going to be an awful person

Because my past was real

It’s also easier to accept the wasted time and energy of our failed relationship

Because it’s my fault

But you know what’s funny

Is that’s how it’s always been

I let love cloud my better judgment

And now I look like the fool

How many times did I have to say

“I’m sorry”

Before you decided it was good enough for you to see the love I had been giving you

Or before you decided to leave

It isn’t my fault you chose to stay

You had plenty of doors

Sympathy is no excuse

It’s not my fault.

It isn’t my fault you didn’t respect me

Or our relationship

Enough to not hurt me too at least

And then place the blame on me

The things I said were stupid

But I never hurt you out of spite

But you know what’s funny

The truth is

We never should have been together

A year later

I still blame myself

You still blame me

And I guess

That’s my fault

That’s the reason I’m at war in my head

Still trying to find closure

Finding a place to lay the blame

Going back and forth

Like day and night

It is my fault

It isn’t my fault

But I want this to end

So

I’ll say it again

Knowing you don’t plan to forgive me

I’m sorry

It’s all my fault

But apologizing for something

For something so irrelevant

Something six years old

It has a way of making me feel

Like a fucking monster

Or better yet

Like a little child

“Now say you’re sorry!”

“I’m sorry, I’ll do better!”

But still face the punishment

Even years later

Is that even fair

“Why do I deserve this pain?”

“Do you remember when you hurt me too?”

So I blame myself

And maybe I should

But tell me

Where is your blame

Where is your apology

Oh wait

My mistake

It’s all my fault

And I’m sorry

[pistolnannass]

11/29/17

“It could’ve been worse”

He just thought you were pretty

So he called for you across the bar

But you were only there for the $2 margaritas

You opened your phone

And politely ignored him

Which made you a stuck up bitch

And publicly embarrassed you

Because a “nice lady” would’ve said

“Thank you”

Right?

“It could’ve been worse”

He’s just very flirty

But he’s dating your best friend

So calling you, “Babe”

And giving you forehead kisses as he passes by you

It just doesn’t sit well with you

The comments like,

“Damn, that dress looks sexy!”

Are just kind gestures

You shouldn’t take it SO serious

Because a “nice lady” would just say,

“Thank you”

But you’re too uptight

And now you’ve lost a best friend

Because

“It could’ve been worse”

He was just playing around

“You know you’d laugh if a girl did it”

But putting his cold hands on your thigh

It was uninvited

And his persistence after your dismay

Was solely because,

“You should learn to loosen up a little”

A “nice lady” would’ve just laughed

Right?

“It could’ve been worse”

He wasn’t touching you

You were passed out drunk

How could you even know what happened?

“I didn’t touch that bitch!”

As he points you out as the bad guy

With your pants, unbuttoned

You know what you felt

But, “maybe you were just dreaming”

And, “you had A LOT to drink”

A “nice lady” would apologize for the accusations

And believe her friends

But you’re a liar

Because you can’t provide proof for them

But you know what you felt

“It could’ve been worse”

He was drunk

And so were you

And your attempts at muttering, “no”

Seemed more like a part of the fun to him

But you weren’t raped

So you should just get over it

And it’s fine because you liked him anyways

You were going to eventually let him do it

Why does it matter

A “nice lady” wouldn’t tell him that he crossed a line

Because your flirting and kissing

It meant you wanted more

And that makes you selfish

Because you led him on

“It could’ve been worse”

And you know that, too

But that doesn’t make your feelings

Any less true

“It could’ve been worse”

But just because you’re okay

Doesn’t mean you’re not hurt

[pistolnannass]

11/25

I’ll have nights alone

After days that weren’t so bad

And really I should be taking a bath

Or going to the gym

Or spending time with my friends

But instead I give my depression hours upon hours

Sitting in my bed

Wanting to get up

But being too afraid of what it might make me do if I move

And sometimes I’ll make jokes

Like, “haha I just want to die”

And people will joke back

“Oh ha, me too!”

But the only funny thing about it

Is that’s the way I really feel

Most of the time

But it’s ironic because life is such a joke

That sometimes joking about my obsession with death actually helps me believe it’s not real

It’s like sitting in my car

Listening to some shitty song

And I’m just thinking, “god this is terrible”

But I listen to it anyways

Because I’m hoping that the next song is something better

It ends up being a commercial or something that only frustrates me more

Depression is like that

Constantly making itself apparent to me

Screaming at me

Anytime I almost feel any sliver of a human emotion

It seeps into my veins like some sort of disease

Taunting me

“Haha you know you can’t get rid of me!”

The better part of me tries to yell back

“You got this!”

And in like the scum bags at a club

Depression whispers in my ear

“I have everything you want. You know I do.”

But really depression just takes

It has nothing to offer

Except emptiness

It asks for so much from me

And mostly I have nothing left to give

And I’ve hit rock bottom

But rock bottom started hitting back

And I’m just so damn tired

I just want to close my eyes

Because sometimes my dreams are better than reality

But I’m scared to even try

Because all I can think about

Is how much bourbon I need to wash down these pills

So instead

I give my depression hours upon hours

Sitting in my bed

Wanting to get up

But being afraid of what it’ll make me do if I move

[pistolnannass]

Here I am

Listening to your every word

Tracing my fingers across your chest

Breathing in every scent of you

Feeling absolutely blessed

Blood rushing to my cheeks

With every kiss you lay

My love for you growing endlessly

Every waking day

Here I am

Losing my grip on you

Fighting every feeling I know is true

Trying to maintain and just push through

Feeling all the pressure

Knowing you feel that way too

And here we are

This is really what it’s come to

I can’t even feel the love here now

And it’s as if I don’t even know you

How did we even get to this place

Where time, it doesn’t stop

We’ve become stuck in this race

Our final curtains beginning to drop

Going in circles and losing our head

Seems like I hardly feel you here

Until we’re together in bed

Even then you still won’t touch me

It’s as if I’m ice cold

No matter how hard I’ve tried to keep you here

You were always ready to go

Here I am

Alone, yet again

For the first time in years

Laying my head on a frigid pillow

Puddled in tears

Finding out that I was never as strong as I truly had thought

Drowning that out with whisky and pot

Biting my lip until I feel my skin break

Punching the walls until my hands shake

Missing the moments when all I would do

Was lay on your chest and just be there with you

But here I am

Holding on to what’s left of me

Wishing I would die

Feeling like there’s no where I’d rather be

Praying for someone to save me

And knowing that will never happen

Since I’m always begging to be left alone

And how can I begin to feel any better

When the pain sinks deep in my bone

So I’ll lay here in this tub

And try to fill my lungs with water

Watching life slip from my mind

Feeling my eyes sting with blood

And my chest get hotter

And then I see everything I’ve done

And suddenly, like lightning

It hits me

Life without you does exist

And it has just begun

Here I am

Choosing to live

Accepting every feeling I know is true

Trying to maintain and just push through

Feeling all the pressure

Learning to live and find happiness

Here I am

Without you

[wnq-anonymous]

@wnq-writers @wnq-anonymous @wordsnquotes-net

[hiddenskyrim]

Sorry no skill points for shooting the targets, or whacking the dummies.

But here’s a trick: 1. hang around where somebody practices 2. reverse pickpocket a couple of valuable arrows onto them 3. harvest the arrows they shoot 4. infinite valuable arrows!

or just  ~player.additem 000139C0 100 enjoy!

[hiddenskyrim]

Reblogging myself because Sheogorath.

[gymaaholic]

When It’s Rest Day

And now you have to pretend you have a social life outside the gym.

https://www.gymaholic.co

[twitterlols]

:’)

[thelovejournals]

It takes a long time to make love with someone who hates themselves.

Buddy Wakefield (via wordsnquotes)

[bugheadlovin]

Could they get any cuter?

[pistolnannass]

9/10/17: You know that moment when You've read more than half of a book And the spine starts wearing thin You realize that it's fragile And with each new chapter bold The pages you have read Begin to loosen and grow old Remember when you were little Young, free and naive We'd try to put it back together With tape and staples we would weave And we though that we'd fixed the pages But all it did was make more holes Causing more and more damage As all the pages grew more old The life of a book is a lot like how life goes Sometimes our seams come loose Despite all that we do to save them Our own threads become our noose Some pages will fall and some may stay So when our story is told Parts of it may not make sense While parts are embellished in gold So they'll see the cover And then they'll see our weak spine They will notice with each turning page It gets weaker with time Once our story is told More often than not We'll be put in a box And we sit there and rot If not Then our story may end up in smoke With each page flame and ash burn away Our story is told No longer today

[pistolnannass]

08/11/2017 Here I am here But not really I'm actually in space Looking down at my life Thinking How did I get all the way up here Why am I so far from reality I want to be Here I am here But not really I'm actually three years back In the arms of someone Who I thought loved me the same Thinking How did I get so warm In the arms of someone so cold And yet I still want to be Here I am here But not really I am sitting in an old friends apartment Watching the ash ripple off my cigarette And feeling tears sting my lips As she puts her arm over my back "This will pass" And I'm thinking How could I not want to be here right now Why would I ever leave Here I am here But not really I'm in my grandmothers house Tracing my fingers along the walls Hiding in my secret place And I hear her warm melodic voice say "Come sit with me" As I'm thinking How do I feel so free and get so lost In such a little home Here I am here But not really I am sitting in the old tree in my back yard After my best friends funeral Ripping off twigs and watching them fall Feeling the sun burn the back of my neck And thinking How did I get all the way up here When my heart is on the floor Here I am here But not really I am actually in the clouds Still stuck in the memory of those I've lost Those who seem to still live More than I ever will Looking down at my life Continuing on Thinking How did I let so much pass me by When I've always been Here

[pistolnannass]

Loss

Without you here Our lives are left with a space Where you should be But sometimes life has ways Of teaching us to hold those we love closer than usual Showing us that we’ve been too busy to cherish every moment as if it is the last Your absence makes for an incomplete story We may never have that closure Sadly life continues on after loss It becomes our duty to carry on your legacy To let your light shine through when ours or others are starting to fade And now when the sun rises in the morning We can greet it with, “hello” We can look up when it rains And hear your sweet voice sing Feel the wind on our neck As we watch it sweep over the grass And imagine your beautiful soul dance around the room Like it had once before You are still here Everywhere In our children’s faces In voices and songs The air that we breathe We find you all of the time We can feel you still The beautiful angel that you are Placing strength in us all Faith in those of us who sometimes lose it And guiding us everyday back into the memory of you Your infectious spirit could never be forgotten Because it is only what you have done in life That echoes in eternity.

-08/02/2017

[pistolnannass]

In my blanket

08/08/2017 I think I'm going insane I hope you got what you wanted But what you seem to fail to realize Is that you aren't the first And you probably won't be the last That's my fault The only reason you still bother me Is because I've seen you in my past I've seen you in my ex The one who cheated and lied I've seen you in the man I hate most The one who ignored my consent Proceeded and stole my pride I've seen you in every guy Who has ever crossed the line The ones who've made me this girl All the selfish, boneless swine And I hope whatever In your head That made you say, "this is ok" Is the reason you stay up at night Wishing your life away I hope regret Lays heavy on your chest And your guilt pounds through your head Until the back of your eyes sting With the image of me in your bed And then that lump in your throat It swells and chokes you Whenever you get the urge to call Because the craziest part Is I've seen you before Yet in my blanket I still took the fall I shouldn't let you get to me To be honest I don't think you really do I just hope you found what you wanted in me Just like the others did, too.

[pistolnannass]

5/17/17

I live with my mind in desuetude Moments of happiness and awareness are evanescent A faint murmur whines endlessly in my ear "You're insignificant", it says And the silence that surrounds me only leaves room for it to echo Throughout my life Like a game of pinball Or someone shouting atop a canyon It resonates Almost as if my brain is seduced and entranced by its bitterness Out of control I am clouded by my sonorous thoughts To the point in which I believe them I wish I could just tune into reality like a distant radio station Turning my dial and skipping all of the white noise and depressing, obnoxious and repetitive things I wish to not hear But I can't escape Instead my brain runs through a million stations at once Struggling to get positive reception Tuning into nonsense and things I've heard before over and over again And I can't be fixed Medication only masks the emptiness with a blissful, yet, dead end road And moments of happiness and awareness are evanescent And a faint murmur whines endlessly in my ear "You're insignificant"