A Sad Child @pistolpen - Tumblr Blog

For the all time great

I have never been well acquainted with my grief.

We are two strangers sharing a body,

And I am afraid of letting her take over.

My insides scream to push her out,

But the more I fight her,

The more she controls me.

And I want to hate her,

Hate her for loving him,

Hate her for reminding me of him,

Hate her for not wanting to just get over it.

But hating her makes me feel like losing him,

And I don’t want that either.

On days like this,

She wraps herself around my soul,

And shows me of all the memories we’ve had,

All the memories we could’ve made.

I see myself kneeling at his grave,

And I see her wracking my body,

And the tears cascading down my face.

Reminding me of the pain she’s caused me.

But then,

She shows me the silence after the funeral,

And the isolation,

And the atmosphere of darkness in my life,

Reminding me that the greatest grief is feeling none at all.

#trigger warning: death #death of a loved one #poem #poetry #spilled ink

Best Friends for Life

Friendship is not a competition,

my pain is not something you must match,

my strife is not something for you to compare.

I’m sorry I’m not perfect,

and I’m sorry your life is not perfect,

but my pain is not yours.

My story is not yours

And most importantly,

my life is not yours.

#poem #spilled ink #poetry #my poetry

It’s been a while

I haven’t been happy for a long time,

and sitting alone,

looking at my life,

I realized it’s been a while,

so long,

that I can hardly remember what happy is.

i am trapped in the most beautiful prison in the world.

The flowers grow around me,

engulfing me in their beauty.

Roses, daisies, blue bells, orchids,

any flower that takes my fancy,

sprouts in front of my eyes.

It’s beauty is endless,

and yet,

I have lived in this garden for too long,

I have forgotten what the world looks like.

The ruddy,

beautiful,

magnificent,

strife of living.

And though the petals shield my eyes,

the thorns stop me from leaving.

And while in my garden,

no one can hurt me,

I begin to hurt to myself.

Because how can I not wonder,

if my flowers are designed to protect me,

or trap me?

For the beauty of the world,

often distracts,

from the snakes in the grass.

#poetry #my poetry #spilled ink #writing #my writing #depression

softwaring

there she goes

It’s been a long time coming,

and yet the sting still comes.

Box stacked upon box,

serenaded by the ticking of the clocks.

And I hear them mock me,

as my mother begins to flee.

Their voices shout out,

and I begin to doubt.

For I was always alone,

but I have never been this lonely.

#poetry #my poetry #writing #divorce #moving #spilled ink #my writing #poem

goodreadss

dont fucking fall asleep

Don’t close your eyes,

that’s how the monsters come in.

They climb in through every unguarded entrance,

your insecurities,

your doubts,

your fears.

The mind is vulnerable when it sleeps,

so it’s better not to sleep at all.

#my poetry #poetry #spilled ink #writing #depression #mental illness

i miss my emotions

These days,

misery is a good thing.

It means feeling,

which is a lot more useful than nothing at all.

#depression #poetry #my poetry #spilled ink #writing

too far

have we already reached the end?

i see the light ahead of me,

but the more i run towards it,

the further it goes.

i begin to wonder if i am a futile path,

but i have run too far to turn back.

#my poetry #poetry #lost #spilled ink #writing #my writing

Fickle

Love is a fickle thing.

One day you’re in,

the other you’re out,

and then back in.

I see it with my mother,

who despite everything,

will continue loving him.

I see it in my sister,

who after several attempts,

cannot end things with him.

But most of all,

I see it in you,

and me.

#love #romance #poetry #my poetry #been a while

goodreadss

I’ve been trying to be the same as I’ve always been,

but I’ve been changing,

and thinking,

about who I was,

who I am,

and who I want to be.

Thinking so much that I don’t know who I am anymore,

and if you think you know me,

you’ve barely scrapped the surface.

Sometimes I wonder if I’ve betrayed too many people. Put myself first one too many times. I wonder if everything I’ve done and everything I will do has put me in a place of vulnerability, alone against consequences I could never foresee. I’ve loved best friends, I’ve loved enemies, I’ve loved men who I’ve loved before, and women who only love men. A day has never passed in which I haven’t loved someone. And I will never regret that. But everyday I regret the hurt that my love has caused. The jealousy it created. The distrust it built. And I wonder if I can ever fix the mistakes I’ve made. If I can ever fix myself. Because I have, and will continue to, love as recklessly as I have since the day I began.

#spilled ink #love #reckless #writing #my poetry #not exactly poetry #rant

say yes, baby girl

All it takes,

is a raised eyebrow.

An innocent hand,

that has been creeping up,

and up,

close enough to touch,

but far enough to feign innocence.

It’s that eyebrow,

that search for a yes,

that exposes his intentions.