The Procrastinator's Diary

"I understand what you mean by precarious. Sometimes I feel so- I don’t know- lonely. The kind of helpless feeling when everything you’re used to has been ripped away. Like there’s no more gravity, and I’m left to drift in outer space. With no idea where..." Haruki Murakami

[pitterpatterpeterrabbit-blog]

A life update

Hi folks! 

It’s been nearly 7 years since I last posted to Tumblr and every rarely in this time did I return to this blog. I think like many young folks who joined Tumblr, I aged out and simply moved onto adulting. Tonight, after a quick work out and dinner and kdrama catch up session, my mind returned to pitterpatterpeterrabbit. Truthfully, I had forgotten the name all together and forgotten this little public diary; but nostalgia is hard to ignore and I was just really curious. 

Just to offer perspective, I’m into my mid twenties now. Reading through the entries of my teens and early twenties is a fascinating exercise. We’re often asked as an icebreaker what we might like to tell our younger selves and I realize now, I wish to tell younger me: things got better, you did good, and you did the best you could in the situations you were in. 

When I was younger I frequently wanted to meet older me, to know that my life wasn’t wasted and I didn’t dissolve within my vices. While admittedly, I didn’t take the greatest care of myself, I wanted to share a few small life updates:

- I eat well now, I am gaining weight and I have mental clarity. I am learning to make peace with my body and I’m learning to be gentler to myself.

- I finished my degree, then got another one, then got a full-time job.

- I’m applying for a Masters program in Social Work, and I’m still not too sure what to do with my professional or academic life. I was waitlisted for the third time and the uncertainty is hard to hold onto. 

- My mom got so much better! She’s been in recovery for nearly 6ish years. She struggles with her heart, fatigue and eating, but overall she is healthy and happy. I work from home due to the pandemic. My working room is upstairs and my mom is usually downstairs. I can hear her shifting around throughout the day. Her shuffling feet sound like safety and I sneak plenty of hugs in through the day.  

It is so unlikely that anyone may come by this post, let alone read it. I think there’s a sense of comfort in that. I guess I am mostly writing this so that 7 years down the road, I can come back and read this again... But I am so glad to have found this tonight, I think I might try to come visit more often now.

<3 

[tamper]

[tardisity-deactivated20180723]

everybody you have ever met came out of a vagina screaming in fear

[softobjects-deactivated20170109]

[heartbeatemoji]

me and the girls out on the town

[shenis]

I’m the girl on the right sitting down because my feet hurt and my shoes are uncomfortable

[toastbutteregg]

almost 2014 and i still look like a piece of shit

[tuneitall-out]

Isabelle Huppert, Les Valseuses (1974)

[pitterpatterpeterrabbit-blog]

frand: I should drop out, if they would give me my money back and not give me my degree, I would drop out

me: yah, like they're the one's that failed us

[thequotejournals]

You have to meet people where they are, and sometimes you have to leave them there.

Iyanla Vanzant (via weltenwellen)

[erarg]

sneeze on your knuckles before a fight in order to inflict poison damage

[lyjerria]

always check yourself for unnecessary negativity and bitterness

[wnq-writers]

There I was, a living, breathing girl, and you still wanted her ghost more than you wanted me.

Anonymous (via wnq-writers)

[pitterpatterpeterrabbit-blog]

I wish I was one of those people who could make strong arguments on the spot. Instead, I have strong feelings, and no knowledge of how to verbalize those feelings until like a week later.

[alltheladiesyouhate]

do you ever watch something and think “this was written by a man”

[pitterpatterpeterrabbit-blog]

Boys that cook and boys that clean and boys that let you scream at them for an hour straight about how much boys and whiteness suck are keepers.

[pitterpatterpeterrabbit-blog]

But attentiveness, consideration, compliments, small and large kindnesses, feeling truly loved, having someone put you first while you put them first because you’re in cahoots to make each other’s lives easier and better: most people do like that, when it’s thoughtful and sincere. It’s here, more than in the big gestures, that romance lives: in being actively caring and thoughtful, in a way that is reciprocal but not transactional.

“Hunger Makes Me” — by Jess Zimmerman 

http://hazlitt.net/feature/hunger-makes-me 

[powerarmor]

about a year ago i read that capybaras can briefly run as fast as horses and no revelation since has shaken me as much. i can’t get rid of the thought of the world’s largest rodent barreling at you at the speed of a horse. it’s so sinister

[mostmodernist-deactivated201708]

in all seriousness I read this and thought “good thing capybaras aren’t real” before realizing that I was, in fact, thinking of chupacabras

[wolftyla]

aside from the fact that i’m a little f*cked up and have bad anxiety, i’m lit.