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@plantchair
Headcannon that Spider-Man gets a reputation for being impossible to track by sheer luck and bad life choices.
SHEILD and countless government agencies are baffled at how he’s managed to avoid being monitored and located for so long meanwhile the metaphorical camera just pans over to this 15 year old vigilante about to engage in the height of stupidity every ten minutes.
SHEILD try’s and fails to predict Spider-Man’s patrol route and debates how he always knows where crime will occur unaware that Peter has no designated route and simply follows his spider-sense.
Countless villains have tried spiking his food or drink meanwhile spy’s are watching in horror and astonishment as Peter Parker consumes his fourth cyanide laced Snapple that they left out to trap the vigilante
SHEILD trying to use gait recognition but fails because Peter Parker is just dragging his feet from exhaustion and constantly limping from injuries on patrol meanwhile Spider-Man practically never has a full minute of time where his feet are planted on the ground so they can’t collect data.
SHEILD is carefully monitoring every single hospital in New York trying to figure out where Spider-Man goes when he’s injured but Peter in inevitably sitting in his bathtub quietly debating if bleach will work as a disinfectant for a stab wound.
Jameson sends private investigators to monitor Peter Parker and find out how he gets photos of Spider-Man and these poor detectives have to watch three days of this kid bed rotting not aware that he’s just passed out from a concussion and conserving energy.
Police try using tracking dogs but Spider-Man is always covered in strange alien slime or various mysterious substances from whatever freak of the week he’s fighting. Meanwhile they keep getting led to this random teenager waist deep in a dumpster fishing for trashed tech.
SHEILD keeps setting up teams to decipher the codes Spider-Man has left them but it’s just a mix of bad grammar, concussion typing and teenage brain rot lingo.
Nobody can get a solid read on Spider-Man’s build or description because the little shit is constantly contorted into strange arachnid like positions and keeps fluctuating his weight by like 30 pounds ever week depending on how much food he’s managed to shovel into his mouth.
SHEILD starts watching through street cameras to catch him unmasked but instead get really depressing footage of the spider themed vigilante splayed on the floor of sketchy alleyways trying to pick coins out of drain pipes and getting excited when he successfully grabs a entire dollar bill.
People start trying to monitor social media platforms and online searches but nobody can find the coloration between Peter searching “How to stitch bullet wounds easy for beginners” and Spider-Man searching “ Brand new day spark-notes rhetorical devices”
Mercenaries get hired to take out Spider-Man but he keeps scaring them off. Unrelated note Deadpool is for some reason now friends with this kid named Peter.
SHEILD is flabbergasted at how well Spiderman is trained to lose someone tailing him meanwhile it’s just Spider-man getting lost and improvising his way home.
Villains take Spider-Man’s photographer hostage to lure him out and the dude literally never shows up. What a prick.
The courts try to sue Spider-Man for property damage and vigilantism and the guy GENUINELY gets a lawyer named Matt. Fast forward a week and Spider-Man now wants a trademark on the hyphen between “Spider” and “man”
Everyone is losing their mind on how Spider-Man can be such a master of deception meanwhile his entire secret identity is dependent on the fact nobody’s cross referenced Spider-Man’s patrol roots and Peter Parker’s Pokemon Go history.
You understand
Upstairs Kevin Is Actually For Real The World's Most Perfect Betta Fish
So for those of you not familiar with my recent descent into fishkeeping, about 2 months ago a friend of mine who does Hazardous Waste cleanup (specifically cleaning up hazardous places like meth labs) called me up and asked:
"You have fish, right?"
"...Why?" I asked, having become aware that the Fish Distribution System is even more aggressive than the cat one.
"I found a fish in the back of an abandoned trap house. Alive." She clarified.
I could feel my fate settling upon my soul.
"...Send me a pic so I can ID the species and I'll see what I can do."
She sent me a picture of a small purplish squiggle in six inches of fetid green muck. But when I arrived to collect the sludge creature he turned out to look like this:
He's difficult to photograph in focus, but he's a deep wine-dark creature with an iridescent blue sheen. The red patches on his fins mirror where the fins of a Plakat/wild Betta splendens would be, and the rest of his fins are a ghostly shimmering white. This fish was in six inches of toxic green shit.
Naturally, he needed the finest tank I could put together that afternoon.
I think I did alright.
He's so fucking cute. He always swims up to watch when anyone approaches. I've got him trained to do a little dance when I feed him. He likes watching me doing anything in front of his tank.
That's all actually pretty typical of Bettas- they're very intelligent and curious creatures and like learning, which is more than I can say for some of my relatives.
Where Upstairs Kevin (so named because his tank is in my upstairs bathroom) really shines is that a lot of Bettas are... Not sociable. They often eat shrimp, attack other fish in their tank (or get stressed out of they can't commit enough violence to maintain their personal space) or constantly harass and nip the snails in their tanks. Most Bettas are genuinely happier being alone.
Kevin fucking loves his snail (Bluebert) and will shimmy as fast as he can over whenever Bluebert falls off something (it's fine, this is a normal way for mystery snails to get from one place to another).
When I had my Nego D'Aguas in the holding tank, I had to put three of the smallest ones in with him because they were being harassed in the small tank, and he was a perfect gentleman with them. He was trying very hard to shoal with them, but they're very zippy. He was visibly upset (lethargic, dulled colors) when I moved them back to the big tank.
Today was the real acid test: I'm going to move him from his 5 gallon to the 10 gallon so I can use the 5 as a hospital/spare plants tank, and I needed to know if I could have shrimp in with him. Even Betta that are cool with other fish can still see a shrimp and decide they're at the buffet. Unfortunately, there's no real way to know without putting shrimp in with the Betta.
So earlier today, I got half a dozen super-discounted Rilli shrimp (LFS has a massive overstock of them for some reason) and added them to his 5 gallon. There are a bunch of hiding places for shrimp in there and if he was aggressive with them I'd move him to the 10 gallon immediately (I don't want to do that just yet because I need to move the furniture around in there a bit).
Friends.
The shrimp are fully swimming in the open and Kevin is just following them around, curious, but only curious. No gill-flaring, no posturing, no lunges or snapping. Some of them are red, a color that normally triggers aggression in Bettas, and he's just. Hanging out, watching them eat biofilm off the moss. One of them accidentally landed on his head and stayed there for 3 seconds and he only went "???" Until it took off again.
My beautiful and perfect and son who is so kind and gentle with his tiny friends.
Pictures that are paintings, to me:
They're both so curious about each other.
(Kitty Fishtank Time is closely supervised and the room is closed off when we're not there. The tank also has a heavy glass lid that covers the whole tank and has anti-kitty safety clips)
Reminds me of my betta! He likes to sit and watch the shrimp the same way I sit and watch the tank. They don't seem to mind, either.
You can also just barely see one of my neon tetras at the top, he's not interested in them like yours is but he'll generally chill in the same area of the tank (and it's a 40 gallon so he has plenty of space to avoid them if he wants to)
LMAO THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES. I haven't been able to get a good pic of it because the shrimp are still skittish and nyoom away if my phone gets too close to the tank but like. He watches the shrimp the same way I watch him and I hope it gives him a sense of joy and wonder as well.
Upstairs Kevin Is Actually For Real The World's Most Perfect Betta Fish
So for those of you not familiar with my recent descent into fishkeeping, about 2 months ago a friend of mine who does Hazardous Waste cleanup (specifically cleaning up hazardous places like meth labs) called me up and asked:
"You have fish, right?"
"...Why?" I asked, having become aware that the Fish Distribution System is even more aggressive than the cat one.
"I found a fish in the back of an abandoned trap house. Alive." She clarified.
I could feel my fate settling upon my soul.
"...Send me a pic so I can ID the species and I'll see what I can do."
She sent me a picture of a small purplish squiggle in six inches of fetid green muck. But when I arrived to collect the sludge creature he turned out to look like this:
He's difficult to photograph in focus, but he's a deep wine-dark creature with an iridescent blue sheen. The red patches on his fins mirror where the fins of a Plakat/wild Betta splendens would be, and the rest of his fins are a ghostly shimmering white. This fish was in six inches of toxic green shit.
Naturally, he needed the finest tank I could put together that afternoon.
I think I did alright.
He's so fucking cute. He always swims up to watch when anyone approaches. I've got him trained to do a little dance when I feed him. He likes watching me doing anything in front of his tank.
That's all actually pretty typical of Bettas- they're very intelligent and curious creatures and like learning, which is more than I can say for some of my relatives.
Where Upstairs Kevin (so named because his tank is in my upstairs bathroom) really shines is that a lot of Bettas are... Not sociable. They often eat shrimp, attack other fish in their tank (or get stressed out of they can't commit enough violence to maintain their personal space) or constantly harass and nip the snails in their tanks. Most Bettas are genuinely happier being alone.
Kevin fucking loves his snail (Bluebert) and will shimmy as fast as he can over whenever Bluebert falls off something (it's fine, this is a normal way for mystery snails to get from one place to another).
When I had my Nego D'Aguas in the holding tank, I had to put three of the smallest ones in with him because they were being harassed in the small tank, and he was a perfect gentleman with them. He was trying very hard to shoal with them, but they're very zippy. He was visibly upset (lethargic, dulled colors) when I moved them back to the big tank.
Today was the real acid test: I'm going to move him from his 5 gallon to the 10 gallon so I can use the 5 as a hospital/spare plants tank, and I needed to know if I could have shrimp in with him. Even Betta that are cool with other fish can still see a shrimp and decide they're at the buffet. Unfortunately, there's no real way to know without putting shrimp in with the Betta.
So earlier today, I got half a dozen super-discounted Rilli shrimp (LFS has a massive overstock of them for some reason) and added them to his 5 gallon. There are a bunch of hiding places for shrimp in there and if he was aggressive with them I'd move him to the 10 gallon immediately (I don't want to do that just yet because I need to move the furniture around in there a bit).
Friends.
The shrimp are fully swimming in the open and Kevin is just following them around, curious, but only curious. No gill-flaring, no posturing, no lunges or snapping. Some of them are red, a color that normally triggers aggression in Bettas, and he's just. Hanging out, watching them eat biofilm off the moss. One of them accidentally landed on his head and stayed there for 3 seconds and he only went "???" Until it took off again.
My beautiful and perfect and son who is so kind and gentle with his tiny friends.
Pictures that are paintings, to me:
They're both so curious about each other.
(Kitty Fishtank Time is closely supervised and the room is closed off when we're not there. The tank also has a heavy glass lid that covers the whole tank and has anti-kitty safety clips)
Reminds me of my betta! He likes to sit and watch the shrimp the same way I sit and watch the tank. They don't seem to mind, either.
You can also just barely see one of my neon tetras at the top, he's not interested in them like yours is but he'll generally chill in the same area of the tank (and it's a 40 gallon so he has plenty of space to avoid them if he wants to)
LMAO THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT HE DOES. I haven't been able to get a good pic of it because the shrimp are still skittish and nyoom away if my phone gets too close to the tank but like. He watches the shrimp the same way I watch him and I hope it gives him a sense of joy and wonder as well.
“The average person kidnaps 3 scientists a year" factoid is actualy just statistical error.
Eva Stratt, who lives in a boat & kidnaps several laboratories worth each day, is an outlier and should not have been counted
I'm playing correspondence chess with my brother and don't feel like making a move tonight but wanted to make sure I did it tomorrow, so I wrote "move against brother" in my TODO list before realizing that sounds kind of insane.
#AncientPrinceProblems
spider man would have a tumblr i think
he made a tumblr account back when it was more normal for celebrities to be on tumblr and just never deleted it. nobody believes that it's the real actual spider man but it is. long time followers are like no no he's posted proof here are the receipts. occasionally he shows up on posts where he's mentioned to jumpscare people.
#i agree if we’re talking spider verse peter#a peter old enough to have read homestuck back in its heyday#that feels right to me
spider man occasionally jumpscares people on posts talking about him and also on posts about Homestuck
i love loooooooove the idea of people's reactions to the beetles getting back to earth. just imagine:
teenagers citing his videos and data as primary sources on their school projects (how do you make an mla citation for a home video filmed in space?)
grace's final goodbye to earth getting billions of views on youtube
sexy edits of grace ALL OVER tiktok and instagram
grace becomes a whole scientific field unto himself. teams of scientists dedicate their lives to the study of his research and his contributions. maybe some of those scientists were his students once upon a time.
grace x rocky ALL OVER ao3
books on eridian language and culture hit the shelves and sell out immediately
eridian culture reignites conversations about the construct of gender, eridians become nonbinary/agender symbols
space is suddenly back at the forefront of the public mind. space-travel units are introduced to grade school science curriculum worldwide. entire classes are taught solely on grace and his scientific discoveries. EVERYONE wants to be an astronaut
of course, hollywood makes a big-budget Dr. Ryland Grace biopic. it's a box office hit. a huge online movement results in ryan gosling playing grace, and everyone agrees the likeness is uncanny. stratt is the villain of the story.
a series of heartfelt videos from grace to stratt, in which he says hello and goodbye and i hate you and thank you and i miss you, are found in the database and reposted online. there's suddenly a massive outcry of support for her, which results in her release from prison. some youtuber makes a gritty but surprisingly touching short film about her story
people coming together to make earth better. trying to repair the damages from the sun's dimming, trying to repair the environment, trying to repair global relations. they want to be an earth worth saving, an earth that grace would be proud of
space travel becomes a huge global priority, the nations of the world pool resources and there are huge advances in technology (especially with scientists studying xenonite!)
the project hail mary launch date becomes a huge global holiday. there's a parade in almost every city all over the world in honor of the hail mary. people lay candles and flowers at memorials for yao, ilyukhina, annie, and dubois. murals of grace and rocky cover building sides. people gather in the streets and remember those who saved them, and banners that read "grace rocky save stars" flutter in the wind above the crowds.
coca cola airs a VERY insensitive commercial with some low quality eridian puppets. the commercial is slammed online and company stocks plummet
people continue to live their lives as normal. because of grace and rocky, because of the beetles, the sun is saved. earth keeps spinning.
No because like they let them pack a karaoke machine on the Hail Mary. Do you understand me. Stratt saw the Hail Mary crew having fun and singing karaoke and then she made sure there was a karaoke feature on the frickin Hail Mary for them. So they could have fun together. On their suicide mission. SHE GAVE THEM A KARAOKE MACHINE Y’ALL DO YOU UNDERSTAND, QUESTION???
catching feelings like a dork
they're getting....somewhere!!!
be more careful next time, okay?
more human RD and Fluttershy stuff! RD was the one who convinced her to join track in school
Caught the brainrot, had to draw human horse lesbians.
I've seen a decent amount of discussion about the acephobia/amatonormativity in Stratt's line to Grace that "You don't even have a dog," - how Grace's lack of a traditional romantic partner or offspring make him more disposable in the eyes of the world and the project.
What I haven't seen much discussion about is how it applies to her too. Eva Stratt doesn't have friends, or a family waiting for her. She doesn't have a dog either.
How many times has Eva told herself it's fine that she's going to be the world's scapegoat, because there's no one who will be hurt by her suffering either?
Stratt... why do you want to go to antarctica specifically Stratt...
a really dedicated shiver fan
I love when ppl draw Grace in clothes with the aroace flag but like. do you think he Knows what it Means
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