Depicting My Downwards Spiral

You're a sad, sad boy.

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I have sold my soul and this is my hell

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4:26 am

First time in a long time I'm actually contemplating killing myself. Im almost sure I want to die.

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"Poor sad boy, he was always afraid the world was gonna consume him. He never realized he was his own worst enemy." -the townspeople at my burial

[eith]

[blvck-zoid]

More — Here

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I don't wanna feel anymore

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7:34

I guess the hardest part of moving on is realizing you would never be who I wanted you to be.

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4:24 am

I was totally stressing myself out about getting a notebook to pen my thoughts and I totally forgot I have this blog to express myself. I've been feeling a bit antsy and suspicious lately. I'm getting super stressed out and I feel like I'm spiraling into another bout of anxiety and depression. I'm in a new living situation and I already feel like they want me to disappear. Im talking g to some new and it feels strange. It feels strange to start over and build trust and to hold back and try to be normal so I don't scare him off. I don't know how much is too much and how little is too little. I want to trust him and everything he says but how i put things together in my mind make it really hard to. I'm just starting to feel nervous about everything and I don't wanna shut down but I don't feel like I have anyone to confide in. I just feel like this complete maniac that no one else takes seriously.

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9:48 pm

Another stupid fight and I have the sneaking suspicion that he's sharing our private information with his friends again. I'm just past annoyed.

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8:45 pm

Dinner at my boyfriend's today. I spent all day here and I feel like blah. I'm really dissatisfied and uncomfortable. Maybe because his roommate doesn't like me and I'm just overall unimpressed with "the new and improved him". I started this again with him telling me that everything would be different. He's on his on with different stress and he's satisfied with himself and his life but I think adulthood is really taking a toll on him like it does most of us. Bills and petty conflict with his roommate really puts a strain on us and it does that help that I manage to find things that annoy me every five seconds. I have my own shit going on and I can't even ask him to lend a listening ear because he would get offended by things that bother me or he would think that I'm insinuating things I'm not. I am short on friends who would actually listen and make me feel better. I'm just wishing this dinner would end and I would just appear at home.

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1:11 am

I'm laying in my exes bed and I can't sleep. He wrapped his arms around me and I felt the butterflies flutter and float all the way up through my skull. I haven't felt this since he held me last and trust me there has been a lot of nights I didn't sleep alone. I want to return his embrace but I'm not sure he wants me to. This just feels great. I love him with all my heart.

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1:44 am

Sleeping is hard. My mind is swirling with all the stupid decisions I've been making as of late. Countless beds I've slept in and nights I felt alone even though there was a warm body beside me. All I am is a dick. I wish I was more. I wish I meant more but that's what it all boils down to. Weeks ago my heart was ripped from my chest and since then I haven't felt the same. I was planning a future. I was ready to adopt a new last name. It was all good until I found out I was being cheated on. My world fell apart and I tried to put it all back together but these days all I seem to be able to do is cruise. I just feel useless and unimportant.

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Reaching out

My grandma died November 2016. I was so saddened by the fact that I never got to say goodbye. I wanted so bad to tell her how much she tried to be there for me and forge a connection. I was robbed of my final goodbye and I will never get over that. One night she felt my pain and reached out. All I remember was watching TV then the room turns white and I look down and I appear to be standing on a cloud. My anxiety shoots through the roof but I power through and try to walk. The sky above me appears to be a smoky grey and my surroundings are a vast nothingness and I appear to be in heaven. Heaven isn't supposed to be scary right? I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. I take advantage of the opportunity and I begin calling for my grandma. I stubble around and continue to call for her. I feel myself being pulled through the ground and my anxiety gets the better of me so I shake myself awake. I lay there with my heart pounding and I question myself asking g why I got so scared. I manage to slow my heart rate and I try to fall back asleep. Sometime later my eyes open but I can't move. I'm freaking out but I know what's going on. I suffered from sleep paralysis for years now and I researched tricks to deal with it. I know I can wiggle a body part and snap from this trance which I've always done but from my new research I learned I can calm down and let it happen. I figured the worst thing that could happen is that I become possessed and best case scenario I learn how to astral project. I make a snap decision and I relax every muscle and my eyes close and the red behind my eyes star to swirl. I start to make out a cave like room with no visible exit. Everything is red like the inside of a closed mouth that was dimly lit with no light source. My anxiety creeps up again and I feel like I'm not alone. I realize that this must be hell. I start to call for my grandma but with each call something else answers and the begin to gather behind me. Frantically I scream and scream for her to appear and I feel them grabbing at my back. I know time is running out before I'm totally consumed by these things that desperately grab at my back and arms. I wake myself up. I don't know what would've happened if I stated or even turned around but I knew I missed my oplutunity to talk to her. If only I weren't scared or anxious. To this day Everytime I think of her and my dream I'm scared that she's suffering in hell. I searched for her in my dream and it took me to the darkest scariest place and I knew that's where she was.

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12:45 am

I just feel so nervous all the time. My drive is at an all time low and I’m not in a space where I should even be comfortable. My “friends” are off dealing with their own shit or just tucking it under a rug. I wish it was that easy for me. I’m scared to try things and the only thing I’ve been able to do is go out and hump a new hole everyday. I have an insatiable sexual appetite and I know I’m only going to end up fucking myself over in the end. I need help. I need motivation. But most of all I need to push myself to get what I need to do, done. My “boyfriend” is so far away and I’m scared of him and the things he could possibly do. I’m a prisoner to my emotions and I need to get out of the stupid cycle I created for myself. I need stability and confidence in myself.