I finally got some phone meetings with a psychologist for my PTSD and depression and all.thay super fun stuff and I am... underwhelmed.
For some reason I thought this was going to be a doctor who would like... listen to what's got me fucked up right now and then I guess I though she'd go home and think about it and come back to back to me with some thoughts about what would help me get better. Give me homework or something. Instead, it's gone something like this:
"I'm having traumatic flashbacks to my abusive ex husband when I try and nurse my son. My ex used to make creepy baby noises and say Mama Mama while sucking on my breasts because he knew how much it upset me."
"Oh, have you tried not nursing?"
"Well, I'm working on it. But I'm 6 months pregnant, more nursing is on the way."
"Well, have you tried not thinking about it?"
"How are you having sex now if having your breasts touched is so upsetting for you?"
We don't have sex, we have had exactly enough sex to get pregnant this year. I'm having a hard time with sex stuff as I keep having more and more flashbacks and as I get more pregnant, well, my husband is still dealing with his own CSA that a pregnant woman was involved in.
But I don't say the last part, because who the hell is this random phone person anyways. And I don't feel like my husband's experiences are mone to talk about to other people.
Then she says "well, don't not focus on it, just think about what you're actually doing. You're feeding your baby. Remind yourself that this person is gone and they have to be power over you."
Thats fine advise for a friend to gove you over late night wine fueled texts but I kind of was hoping for something more from a psychologist. But it's a good start. Again I thought she was going to end the conversation and go think about what I should do next and have some advice for me.
So I set up another meeting for the next week and kind of look forward to it?
Then she has to postpone, which means cancel and i have to rebook. When we speak again she asks me "what did you want to talk about today?"
My... ongoing problem? My vivid flashbacks? I can't use my microwave without remembering the way Greg used to make fun of me for being so stupid that I would put in 1:00 instead of :60 like the damn village idiot.
So instead I try to tell her about how I can't let go because he hasn't been held accountable. Everyone else has always let him get away with everything and if I let go just as bad as his family and friends knowing about everything but just looking the other way.
"Theres nothing you can do about that. You need to move on."
I am literally telling you that I... can't?
"It seems like you're doing alright with thia
I don't think you need weekly sessions anymore."
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