Burning desires.

hi i'm val. i'm learning to love myself.. one day at a time.

[pochemuchka-x]

I haven’t tumblr’d in years. The last time I posted, I was knee deep in suicidal thoughts, self harm, and anything loosely related to self destruction. It’s been up and down since then, but relatively speaking, mostly pretty ok. Until now.

The truth is, my life is at a different place than it was all those years ago. Almost half a decade of life and growth. I love life. Truly. I have the best job, the best friends, I’ve traveled the most amazing travels, and met the best people along the way. But it’s also just.. not good right now and I’m struggling a lot. Struggling with the negativity, accusations, threats.. the truth is, I’m worth it. I’ve put the work in, I’m a fucking badass and I’m worthy of the best. But I’m just fucking stuck here, I can’t move past it. And it’s just easier to take it out on my body. I just don’t fucking care anymore. I refuse to let anyone else win. No one else can hurt me more than I can hurt myself. Period.

[pochemuchka-x]

i started smoking again and im a piece of shit for doing so but tbh i really don’t care. this is how it usually works anyways. been about 4 months free cold turkey, will probably cold turkey again by 4th of july and be back again by mid november. god it just feels so good

tw

I self harmed twice in the last week too. that breaks almost 2 years clean and i don’t think i totally relapsed, just a bad slip

[pochemuchka-x]

Nothing you can or will ever say will make me feel like I’m not the biggest fuckup ever. Like I didn’t make the hugest mistake ever.. and let so many fucking people down.

[pochemuchka-x]

I’m not really doing well and my thoughts are not really positive right now. It’s hard.

[pochemuchka-x]

My eyes keep wandering towards yours and I hate that. I mean I don’t, but I do.

[pochemuchka-x]

Buddy left me to get his (forgotten) keys. Why. Help

[pochemuchka-x]

Buddy of mine bartends at a local bar. Went to visit him tonight after a long (85+ hour) week of work. Find out that he got a pistol to the face tonight, at work, among a lot of other shit. Trying to be there, be supportive, helpful, yet fearful for my life at the same time. Anxiety high all weekend, even higher right now. Not sure how/what to feel. Emotions running high.

[insomniac-arrest]

story time

back when I was around five years old I ended up jumping out of a moving car on the highway (a road my dad still points out to us every time we pass it), this had many factors to it such as:

my family did not believe in seat belts or child safety locks

I was obsessed with cheetahs at the time and thought that if I jumped out and landed on my feet I could run alongside the car like some sort of superhuman tiny cat-human-mutant

it did not work out like this

the most unbelievable part of this story was that I jumped out and then ROLLED across the rest of the highway and under a truck

luckily, I was really tiny and went right underneath the body and between the wheels

God really does protect fools and babies apparently- which I was both

a mom in a red mini-van was the first to stop and come out to get me and was like ‘IS THIS SOMEONE’S KID?? WHY IS THIS SOMEONES CHILD.’ I still remember you mom in a red mini-van, you were a real one

I was surprisingly fine outside of a few scrapes and a bad headache. Despite the headache tho my family did not take me to the hospital

they took me to get taco bell instead

[riotlion]

I just like, need some reassurance OP’s parents got better at parenting

[insomniac-arrest]

they did not, but thank you for your concern lol, it if makes you feel better it was a really freaking great Crunch Wrap Supreme

[pochemuchka-x]

The only problem with being so well liked and so respected is that on the off chance you’re unexpectedly and unintentionally not, it sucks and it hurts. So much more than it should.

[pochemuchka-x]

I’ve got to BE at work in 4 hours and I’ve been tossing for 2 1/2. And I’m still not tired. Cool. 16 hour day on less than 3 hours of sleep? bring it.

[pochemuchka-x]

God, I know I’m over you, but there’s still a part of me that wishes it was/could be different. So I guess I’m not. Fuck damn.

[acutelesbian]

A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most. And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it. That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain. Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life. Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.

[fat-thin-skinny]

this fucks me up every single time

[acutelesbian]

I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.

After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.

She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.

Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.

The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.

The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.

Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.

I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.

[conceitedtrash]

This is so fucking important and I think it’s something I needed right now

[covington-shenanigans]

this is exactly right.

[dankmemeuniversity]

[pochemuchka-x]

Today, I turned a bunch of scars into something beautiful. I couldn’t be happier with the end result, and I can’t wait to get the rest of it finished.

[pochemuchka-x]

It’s go time. Let’s fuck this bitch.

[pochemuchka-x]

6 hours. Six. I’m nervous as fuck. But I think most of the nerves are that something will go wrong, or not be able to happen. But all that aside, I’m so god damn excited and ready to do this.

[pochemuchka-x]

About 36 hours. God damn.