dying mind.

daily journal !!! just some thoughts here and there.

[pocket-woes]

why am i such a horrible person

i should've loved you better

all animals deserve love, you most definitely

but i had to be your owner

I'm so sorry baby, baby rue

you weren't the most affectionate

nor the most active

but you were once a kitty who came by

i wish i loved you still like i loved you then

you deserved more than me

i wish you lived well with your sister

now you're gone, and I'm left with regrets

I hope I can love another cat better this time

I'll always think of you, Rue.

[pocket-woes]

/tw: mentions of death and suicide/

i wanna kill myself.

and just, i hate the littlest things that i know i could do.

but can't,

fucking hell.

[daily-spooky]

[pocket-woes]

you put the sense in non.

i don't know what to say.

don't know what to feel.

maybe it's the way that everything manifests.

i don't like it.

i don't like anything.

anything, but, somewhat, not you ?

i don't even know.

i'm going in circles.

but atleast you're in the middle.

so i know it's fine because you're there.

[pocket-woes]

sel.

beloved and free, filled the life of mine with glee.

sadness seems distant, an unknown entity.

you spare me words that eradicate, mend, and be.

surely, any trace you leave is dent inside me.

[bloodenjoyer]

so we can start over again

[pocket-woes]

what's the best ? it's that the first thing i thought of, was you.

my, sel.

[pocket-woes]

track x 03

i haven't written in awhile !!! NOOOO.

so much for daily journal, wump wump wump.

although, i don't have anything special to say,, i did learn a pretty valuable lesson (which i know i'll forget because huzzah, this is me) -- it is to STUDY. even if i feel like i want to get on my bed and sleep the night away, i need to STUDYYY !!!

and exams tomorrow ? pretty rough. my schedule is so damned insane aaaaaaaahhh. but i really, i'm doing it right now, not right RIGHT now, but i will afterwards. i just needed to write something.

:]

[pocket-woes]

i think it's fine.

i think it's fine. i think i , i'm hating myself a little too much.

this morning, i got upset over not all the things i listed yesterday. list of things i deemed would improve my life (which they would ! exercise and yoga alll that) but i never did. i only meditated, which i'm not sure i even did right ?

but i think that's bad. is there a wrong and right way to even meditate ? or am i too harsh on myself ?

so yes, i got on my phone a little too much. i had it. the thoughts were there. "i don't need to use my phone", "this won't help me", "just a little bit then", "f*ck. i did it again".

and then began my downward spiral:

i ate breakfast pretty late (by the standards here and the fact that it was atleast 3 hours after i woke up)

i just layed in bed for an hour--which i'm not even sleepy for.

i simply began scrolling tumblr and watching youtube shorts uncontrollably negatively (i was doing it to escape myself. don't. it's bad. it's just more and more self-hatred.)

so it got me thinking, maybe i should just accept that i have down times. i always want to wish that i'm inherently going to do something "productive" at the moment i open my eyes for 24 hours non-stop, until i sleep.

which is unrealistic. i need to do leisure. i need stimulation. i guess i'm unconsciously wanting myself to get stimulated by work when i know it just doesn't work that way.

i need to accept i do some dumb stuff throughout the day too.

that's why they take up majority of my time, because i don't let them become an actual "thing" inside my head.

because instead of accepting the fact that dumb things are part of my actual routine i actively try to fight off those habits that i've been so used to and when i can't i end up getting negative, self-pitying feelings that only make me do those things more because i'm overwhelmed by doing the things my body is used to doing.

i need to build resistance.

but first, i need to accept. accept where i need to draw the line.

yes. i'll go back to this. yes.

[pocket-woes]

again ?

thoughts

i want to kill myself right now i'm so fucking stupid i literally wasted my time again. and this is after already writing about how i wasted my time EARLIER. i'm still doing it again. i'm on my laptop right now so it's a much different environment but still-- UGH. so much for using the time to study or read.

[pocket-woes]

morning world !!!

last night i stumbled upon reblog that shared things to do for a year, since 2022. there were many things written--even better were the sources and links that helps with learning.

oh and also, yesterday i practiced mindful (and handful, you'll know what i mean) communication. i basically, stopped.

why ?

because that's where i'm really lacking. i figured i needed to learn how to talk better--and clearer. so i won't use words (which i use impulsively and uncharacteristically). so i'll continue this, maybe, until i feel better about the messages i send people.

[hamletthedane]

Want to learn something new in 2022??

Absolute beginner adult ballet series (fabulous beginning teacher)

40 piano lessons for beginners (some of the best explanations for piano I’ve ever seen)

Excellent basic crochet video series

Basic knitting (probably the best how to knit video out there)

Pre-Free Figure Skate Levels A-D guides and practice activities (each video builds up with exercises to the actual moves!)

How to draw character faces video (very funny, surprisingly instructive?)

Another drawing character faces video

Literally my favorite art pose hack

Tutorial of how to make a whole ass Stardew Valley esque farming game in Gamemaker Studios 2??

Introduction to flying small aircrafts

French/Dutch/Fishtail braiding

Playing the guitar for beginners (well paced and excellent instructor)

Playing the violin for beginners (really good practical tips mixed in)

Color theory in digital art (not of the children’s hospital variety)

Retake classes you hated but now there’s zero stakes:

Calculus 1 (full semester class)

Learn basic statistics (free textbook)

Introduction to college physics (free textbook)

Introduction to accounting (free textbook)

Learn a language:

Ancient Greek

Latin

Spanish

German

Japanese (grammar guide) (for dummies)

French

Russian (pretty good cyrillic guide!)

[hamletthedane]

Want to learn something new in 2023??

Cooking with flavor bootcamp (used what I learned in this a LOT this year)

Beekeeping 101

Learn Interior Design from the British Academy of Interior Design (free to audit course - just choose the free option when you register)

Video on learning to read music that actually helped me??

How to use and sew with a sewing machine

How to ride a bike (listen. some of us never learned, and that's okay.)

How to cornrow-braid hair (I have it on good authority that this video is a godsend for doing your baby niece's black hair)

Making mead at home (I actually did this last summer and it was SO good)

How to garden

Basics of snowboarding (proceed with caution)

How to draw for people who (think they) suck at art (I know this website looks like a 2003 monstrosity, but the tutorials are excellent)

Pixel art for beginners so you can make the next great indie game

Go (back) to school

Introduction to Astronomy (high school course - free textbook w/ practice problems)

Principals of Economics (high school course - free textbook w/ practice problems)

Introduction to philosophy (free college course)

Computer science basics (full-semester Harvard course free online)

Learn a language

Japanese for Dummies (link fix from 2022)

Ukrainian

Portuguese (Brazil)

American Sign Language (as somebody who works with Deaf people professionally, I also strongly advise you to read up on Deaf/HoH culture and history!)

Chinese (Mandarin, Simplified)

Quenya (LOTR fantasy elf language)

[hamletthedane]

Want to learn something new in 2024??

Beginner-oriented video on how to sail

This guy has so many videos on baking different types of bread. SO very many.

Coding in Python - one of the most flexible and adaptable high-level programming languages out there - explained through projects making video games

Learn to swim! (for adult learners. I don’t care if you live in Kansas or Mali or wherever. LEARN TO SWIM.)

Learn how quantum mechanics works. Then read some more about it

[Learn about quantum mechanics again, but in a more advanced engineering/mathematics class. Then read more about the math and physics of it]

Poetry Handbook, by Mary Oliver

Something I learned this year: how to sew a quilt (Here’s a very easy beginning pattern that looks amazing and can be done with pre-cut fabric!)

How to hit the ball in softball

Tutorial video on what is under the hood of most (gas) cars + weird engine sounds and what they mean

Full beginner mechanics technical training, if you want to go more in depth

Playlist on how car engine physics work if you want to go ultra in depth

Lecture series on architecture design through study of buildings

How (American income) taxes & tax law work (choose “audit course” at checkout for free class)

Pickleball for beginners (so you can finally join your neighbor/friend/distant cousin who is always insisting you join their team)

+ Para-Pickleball for beginners (for mobility aid users!)

School is so much more fun when there’s no tests:

American Law - Contracts

Shakespeare’s Life and Plays

Fairy Tales: Meanings, Messages, and Morals

Modern Poetry

World History [Part 1, Part 2]

Learn a language:

Arabic + Resource Guide compiled from Reddit (includes info on different dialects)

Chinese (Cantonese) (audio)

Urdu (frequently recommended course on Reddit) + Resource Guide

Yucatec Maya

[pocket-woes]

hullo ! first post ^^

i wanted to start journaling-- or at the very least update myself on things inside my head. why?

because i stumbled upon this video, and well, it's changed my perspective (lets hope it stays that way) upon my ever stagnant life.

i've just been in a mini rock bottom phase for a long, long, time.

don't know when it started, how, or even why--but all that matters is that i'm trying to get better. i wish i would. i'm fully aware tomorrow, this feeling will fly away and far from me. this want for improvement, and i shouldn't just hope for it but instead physically repulse myself into doing things for me regardless of whether i want to.

the good things, for me.

so i'll start with small gratitudes !!!

first-- i brushed my teeth before i went to sleep. it's not much, but i just habitually let myself sleep without even sparing my mouth any justice (disgusting, i know) but i've broken it and it feels nice (smells nice too) i'll try to keep doing that.

next is, my stuff. grateful for myself for fixing the stuff that i needed the night before. i end up doing it the morning right before the day starts so more often than i wish not to, so this is good.

and lastly is, thankful for myself-- for doing this. a little embarrassing, but nothing i won't do to improve.

i'll send the link to the video at some point !!! pls. check him out <33