mimi

humour | literature | movie | music enthusiast :)

[poetsandmusic]

I want someone to run away to Italy with for the weekend and go to small cafes and have the time of our silly little lives

[poetsandmusic]

insomnia. what a shitty thing. my life feels like a million images not lived, past and future. a million passions not fulfilled. a million dreams not had, a million loves lost and a million words not spoken.

where did my whimsy go? have I lost my heart in an attempt to save my mind? to save my future, have I lost the potential of my past? I was at the seaside and used to dream. I used to see it unclear and loud, now it’s silent. it is better. and somehow worse.

I would not go back. my whimsy was fragile. my heart unbalanced, my mind untrained. uncertainty used to be the beast of my days and nights. now it’s animal enough so that it moves me, humbles me with the power all animals naturally posses over humans - the reminder of a different species saying “you’re a co-habitant and you must be careful”. now in instability I’m stable and in darkness I am light.

and yet sometimes I mourn my plans for a different future. I mourn the dreams that were never answered. and then I hear God’s gracious voice tell me “kid, it’s just the beginning”. I am in the grinding years of my life - youth is roughness for only working hands can carry the true wisdom of grace. and so I work in patience, humbled by the great divine, sometimes crying and unable to sleep but mostly grateful for I am alive :)

[metamorphesque]

"The Brothers Karamazov", Fyodor Dostoevsky (translated by Constance Garnett)

[mournfulroses]

Margaret Atwood, from a journal entry featured in Early Essays & Journals

[achillesinhighheels]

[poetsandmusic]

When you like somebody it’s the funniest feeling when you start to kind of “absorb” them a lil bit. When you start finding yourself moving like they do, more specifically. Cause wdym I tilt my head and I just know they tilt their head like that? Or when I lay in bed and I turn I feel it that they turn like that? Or when I just look straight ahead I know they look straight ahead just like me lol? It’s so funny and it’s a part of having a crush I’ve never actually experienced before. I’d be really happy to know if I’m just crazy or is this happening to sb else :)

[creature-wizard]

Folks have got to understand that they probably aren't messed up by some Secret Big Trauma that they just can't remember; but rather by a million tiny microtraumas that they do mostly remember but don't even register as traumatic because nobody actually understood that these things would cause trauma, much less stack on each other over the years.

[xpxssxm]

Whether you're carrying one big rock or a big ol' bucket of sand, it's going to weigh on you just as much.

[ramshacklefey]

This is why psychologists have started taking more of an interest in CPTSD in the last 10-15 years. What most people know as PTSD is a response to a single, intensely traumatic event (or even a series of events). However, CPTSD (chronic post-traumatic stress disorder) is caused by living for years in a situation where your nervous system cannot catch a break. Even if nothing huge ever happened to you, you always had to be on guard for a thousand little things that could and did happen.

After years and years of this, your nervous system gets "stuck" in an activated threat response. It never really lets you rest, and if this started when you were a kid, you may not develop a lot of neural pathways that you should have, because your brain was too focused on keeping you safe to bother with little things like "genuine human connection" and "interpersonal attachment."

[naamahdarling]

No lie, Complex PTSD/CPTSD is HUGE.

If you are disabled, if you are queer, if you are chronically ill, if you are the survivor of a toxic but not abusive relationship, if you grew up or lived under the threat of harm but no "actual" harm (or "very little" harm) was done, you may have CPTSD that isn't getting caught because CPTSD looks different from PTSD.

[thenookienostradamus]

At the risk of falling into a trivialization trap, a lot of things you may not perceive as traumatic actually are. I was embarrassed for a long time in both group and individual therapy to say anything in my childhood was traumatic, because I was sitting with people who had suffered horrible physical or sexual abuse. But here are some things that are, in fact, traumatic and - when they occur over a long period - can set you on a course of maladaptive coping for decades if not addressed:

Being told or shown that your emotions are not valid, that you have no safe place to express them

Parents or caregivers oversharing graphic trauma from their past with you

Threats of physical violence, even if not carried out

Being told or shown that affection or approval is contingent on competency or academic success

Prejudice from inside OR outside the family (homophobia, racism, body shame)

Mocking or dismissal of things that are meaningful to you

If you constantly feel unworthy, afraid, ashamed, or even flat and emotionless, it's worth exploring why. And, because you've been so consistently undermined and minimized, you may feel like a fraud for being upset or functioning poorly. You're not a fraud; it's years of conditioning telling you "I should be able to handle this" or "lots of people are worse off than I am so I shouldn't complain." Your conditioned brain is lying to you; you won't be able to open yourself to the joy of trusting relationships with others OR do meaningful things to help those who are worse off until you do the work to melt the block of ice surrounding you. All my love to you, friends.

[lunahorizon]

Pete Walker is a therapist that's been on the cutting edge of this for many years, and he has a website here with plenty of free resources. (Just straight PDFs of parts of his books!)

Also, his books are not that expensive, well-written, and truly helped me process a lot of my trauma. I did a ton of it alone because I couldn't find a therapist for years, and those books (complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving & the tao of fully feeling) really changed the trajectory of my life.

He talks about grieving, about changing our internal dialogue to one that's positive instead of negative, talks about SEVERAL trauma typologies, and more.

As someone who has been diagnosed with the big trauma PTSD but most of their problems were coming from the little stuff that was CONSTANT and made me run on 2000% all day every day, this guy is a lifesaver. I'm so different from how I was before, especially with the help of some in-person therapy. Finding the right person makes all the difference, truly.

You can pick up his books on the website, but if you're looking for resources on this and you have the space and support to be able to do some of your own work (please don't do it completely alone unless you must) check out the sidebar over at pete-walker.com. He made this incredible resource that not everyone knows about and I try to share it where this comes up.

Thank you for informing people about this.

[creature-wizard]

Reblogging for the additional info and resources, and to emphasize that the C does indeed stand for "complex," not "chronic." (Understandable that people would get mixed up, though.)

[haverst]

[poetsandmusic]

please someone tell me I’m not the only one who sees this world as not… ultimate? Or should I say this life as not ultimate. I mean… idk I feel how much more there is outside of it and sometimes that makes me lose focus on the present and I start feeling this sinking feeling that’s very weird. Like this is not it, not the only it, yk. And if it’s not then why am I sent here? What should I do? I kind of have developed this consciousness, ever since leaving school, of seeing how temporary it all is and I am overwhelmed by it. Like in everything I do, in everything I see I’m always mindful of the heavenly or whatever you wanna call it and it distorts my presence and perspective on the earthly… i am fully aware how pretentious this sounds, but it is in fairness a pretentious feeling. Maybe I should find a way to connect the two without losing sight of the other… idk

[poetsandmusic]

I’m sorry I know I mostly post about my misery BUT I JUST GOT INTO UNI OH MY GODDDDD OOOOOOH MY GOD MY LIFE IS NOT WORTHLESS I WILL ACTUALLY AMOUT TO SOMETHING IM NOT LOST IM NOT LOST IM NOT LOST ANYMORE I DONT KNOW REALLY HOW TO HANDLE THIS FEELING IM JUST WARM AGAIN WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK LIFE IS GREAT LOVE IS GREAT I LOVE EVERURHING JDBWUSJWJQIQWATHATWATAHATAWHAT I LOVE EVERYONE I WILL BE STUDYING HARD I HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO STUDY A HIGHER EDUCATION OH MY ACTAUL GOD IM SO GRATEFUL!!!!!

[what-even-is-thiss]

You know for the first 18-ish years of your life everyone your age is mostly doing the same things and then all of a sudden every year for the rest of your life somebody your age is getting divorced while somebody else just learned what a leaf is and you have no idea what’s going on or what you’re supposed to be doing

[achillesinhighheels]

[achillesinhighheels]

nha fala’ | dir. flora gomes (2002)

[sybaritick]

you can make fun of old people all you want but then you'll be knitting with a good album on and a cup of tea and you'll be like this is excellent actually. the old ladies were right about this one. about the crosswords too, by the way

[poetsandmusic]

Sometimes I find myself at a loss for words. I can just think and imagine. But not today. Today I want to tell the whole world about you. How you are my home, even when you’re far away. How you’re always in my thoughts, even when you’re not. How every little thing I do I somehow connect with you. How when I see I imagine how you’d see. How when I sleep you hold my dreams. How only with your presence you bring me joy. How when life gets hard I think of you and it heals just enough. How I long to see you move - walk, jump, play, touch, breathe. How I love being a human next to your human. How when you smile at me and only at me I feel God smiling at me. I want to tell the whole wide world about you. I want them all to know.

[aaaangel444]

[metamorphesque]

Missed Time, Ha Jin