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Have a UTI Repeat grades six and seven, objectively my most awkward years Grade six gym class specifically Use a gas station restroom—the scary outside kind where you have to procure a hidden key that’s covered in E. coli, shigella, and streptococcus Have a second UTI Untangle holiday lights Menstruate for an entire month Go to the gynecologist for frequent UTIs and unusually long period Lick an ATM keypad Time travel back to high school and realize there is no toilet paper in the bathroom stall after I have defecated, meaning I need to quickly relocate and pray that no one walks in and sees me pantsless and unwiped in the three seconds it takes to get to the second stall Slip on ice (hit head) Get caught masturbating Read The Grapes of Wrath Catch someone masturbating Skydiving snafu Bite the inside of my cheek while eating Bite the same part of my cheek again while eating Sleep in an underwire bra — Link in bio to all 36 preferable things https://www.instagram.com/p/CqJFoSCJLIA/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

What is pickleball? Pickleball combines three sports no one really likes—tennis, ping pong, and badminton (yes, badminton is still a thing)—to form a fourth racquet sport that was meant for the elderly and young children, but people in their 20s and 30s are totally ruining it. It’s also (and you’re going to think I’m kidding here) played with a wiffle ball. They call it a pickleball, but once you see it, you’ll know. That’s a goddamn wiffle ball. Is pickleball fun? Do you think getting sunburned fun? Is screaming at your partner for a weak serve while the two of you hold fiberglass paddles, fun for you? Then yes, pickleball is very, very fun. And you should already know this, because someone in your life has been telling you pickleball is fun for the last six months. Why is it called pickleball? The guy who made it had a dog named Pickle or something. Or maybe Pickle was his last name. I forget. Slang names for pickleball include lazy tennis, geriatric badminton, and “a weak excuse to drink Gatorade.” Isn’t pickleball for old people? While it was designed as a game for the whole family to play, pickleball spent its first four decades of existence in purgatory, mainly as part of the YMCA Silver Sneakers curriculum. It was also frequently played in Active Older Adult (55+) communities. Then one day, it spread through retirement homes like gonorrhea and out into the world. Eventually, players of all ages began playing, as was its original intention. — Link in bio to full guide Article by @benkissam https://www.instagram.com/p/Cp0vD05JBF0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Turns out they’re fine with it. https://www.instagram.com/p/CpQ5SCwJwh8/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

GET READY TO DIE. But while you’re getting ready to die, let me clear one thing up: what I’ve been doing to you and your friends tonight isn’t “elevated horror.” In fact, as a sadistic killer, it irritates me when my victims use that term. It forces what I do—stalking and killing people while wearing a pig mask—into a snobbish hierarchy. It suggests that there are “good” and “bad” ways to stalk and kill people while wearing a pig mask. A depraved slaying is a depraved slaying, period. When I slay my victims, I want them to experience their death on its own terms. I want them to avoid labels. Most of all, I want them to SUFFER. OH, HOW I WANT THEM TO SUFFER. Is that so much to ask? Look, I’m sorry you have broader personal or political issues you haven’t resolved, but those have nothing to do with the ways I’ve been killing you guys. When I stabbed your boyfriend with a pitchfork, I had no clue he was dealing with insecurity about coming from a family of poor farmers. That was just a coincidence. It could have been any of you. I just really like stabbing people with pitchforks. And that shed full of Victorian girl dolls where I tied the volleyball captain to a chair? That was the only room with a lock on the outside. I wasn’t trying to make her confront her guilt over the death of her baby sister. But once she looked at the dolls she started sobbing and saying stuff like, “I’m sorry, Kaylee!” and “It’s my fault, Kaylee!” as if she were going for a Best Screenplay Oscar or something. It was insufferable, and NOBODY UNDERSTANDS SUFFERING AS I DO. AHA-HA-HA-HA. It just… rubbed me the wrong way, is all. As if my other bloody rampages are somehow “less than?” — Link in bio to full clarification Article by @patcassels https://www.instagram.com/p/CpBHNaDJHfH/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Lift Your Shirt Immediately So Your Date Knows You’re Not Wearing a Wire, You Can Be Trusted First impressions are key, and the most important thing to do is put the other person at ease. That is why lifting your shit and doing a 360 to ensure to the person you do not have a listening device is so crucial. Without this being settled within the first few moments of the date, your date might be nervous they are talking to a rat or that their words and actions could be used in a RICO case against them. Be Succinct It is important to be succinct. Don’t be too verbose. Keep things brief. Don’t repeat yourself. Repeating yourself is bad. Repeating yourself is not something you should do. To reiterate, please don’t say the same thing over and over. Saying the same thing over and over is bad and something you shouldn’t do. Be succinct. In Order to Gain the Upper Hand, Tell Them They Have Something in Their Teeth Even If They Don’t This is a great way to slightly embarrass the other person and immediately be perceived as a cooler person. Tell them they have something in their teeth and watch them struggle to get it off. This gives you the upper hand immediately and establishes you as someone far above having a piece of food in their teeth. Make Constant Ear Contact Eye Contact went out with the Blackberry, it is all about Ear Contact these days. As much as you can get your ear on theirs it will display confidence and comfortability with social situations. Try and maintain Ear Contact for at least seven seconds, otherwise it can feel strange. - Link in bio to all tips https://www.instagram.com/p/Coh7nptpOOg/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Though I’d love to squeeze you in for an appointment, I am no longer seeing sick patients. When you are feeling 1,000% better, we’d be happy to schedule you for your annual physical. We can also assist with minor cuts, provided there is no active bleeding. If you’re experiencing pain that rates as less than a 3 on the Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scale, we can fit you in for a ninety-second appointment, and then refer you out to a specialist. However, if you believe, based on your hours of middle-of-the-night Internet research, that you have an infectious disease, or if you feel so sick that you would be especially relieved to be seen by your primary care physician of the last twenty years, then we cannot see you today, tomorrow or next week. It’s true that in every other context “primary” means first in order, or of highest importance. But words and their ordinary meanings can be misleading. If you are old enough to remember watching sitcoms in which primary care doctors do house calls, we know it’s especially hard to shake the idea that I, your primary care doctor, am here to help, when, for example, you feel like a serrated kitchen knife is being plunged into your eardrum. To ease your adjustment to changes in the practice of modern medicine, please repeat this sentence aloud three times: My primary care doctor is not here to help me when I am sick. — Link in bio to full care update https://www.instagram.com/p/CoYGA6spR3y/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Though I’d love to squeeze you in for an appointment, I am no longer seeing sick patients. When you are feeling 1000% better, we’d be happy to schedule you for your annual physical. We can also assist with minor cuts, provided there is no active bleeding. If you’re experiencing pain that rates as less than a 3 on the Wong-Baker FACES Pain Rating Scale, we can fit you in for a ninety-second appointment, and then refer you out to a specialist. However, if you believe, based on your hours of middle-of-the-night Internet research, that you have an infectious disease, or if you feel so sick that you would be especially relieved to be seen by your primary care physician of the last twenty years, then we cannot see you today, tomorrow or next week. It’s true that in every other context “primary” means first in order, or of highest importance. But words and their ordinary meanings can be misleading. If you are old enough to remember watching sitcoms in which primary care doctors do house calls, we know it’s especially hard to shake the idea that me, your primary care doctor, is here to help when, for example, you feel like a serrated kitchen knife is being plunged into your eardrum. To ease your adjustment to changes in the practice of modern medicine, please repeat this sentence aloud three times: My primary care doctor is not here to help me when I am sick. — Link in bio to full care update https://www.instagram.com/p/CoYFCL1JK0c/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Money long, socks got too many holes. https://www.instagram.com/p/CoVCCo7pHvJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

If I had to describe this piece in one word, I’d say that it’s very postmodern. What’s interesting about postmodernism is that it’s not before modernism. It’s not even during modernism, like while it’s happening, but it’s after modernism. Some people might ask, how long after modernism is it? A few hours? A few days? Let me put it this way, it’s so past modernism that if you looked back, even with high-quality binoculars, all you would see is a tiny dot. You’d have to squint, and even while squinting, you’d still be like, huh, that is honestly crazy how tiny that is. Speaking of, I’d have to say that out of all the movements in history, postmodernism is my favorite movement. The reason is because it is the most moving movement. Other movements don’t move as much and it’s, frankly, embarrassing because aren’t you supposed to be a movement? Postmodernism as a movement is not motionless. It is not stationary. How do I describe it simply? You know those street performers? Like that guy who’s covered in gold spray paint to make him look like a statue and he somehow doesn’t move a muscle even when you come up super close and put your finger up to his nostril in a jokey way, like you’re about to pick his nose? You know that guy? Well, the postmodernism movement is basically the opposite of him. — Link in bio to obvious postmodernism (at Chicago) https://www.instagram.com/p/CoEMzvOOdIx/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Postshadowing: The author leaves clues that something is about to happen, but after it’s already happened. Metafar: The author compares two things without using the words “like” or “as,” but it’s frankly a bit of a stretch. Gallegory: Everything in a story represents something else, but only for the ladies. Men still have to read it literally. Reverse Euphemism: The author says something that’s fine, but you wish they didn’t say it that way. Double Personification: An author treats an inanimate object as if it’s two, equally important people. Flashdown: The author briefly leaves the action for a character to remember something that happened underneath them. Sniperbole: The author uses exaggerated language to express something very precisely from an extreme distance. Fore!-shadowing: The author uses clues to indicate that they’ve just hit a golf ball in the reader’s direction. Double Simile: The author compares two things but throws in some extra “likes” and “as's” just to keep you on your toes. Phemism: The author says something in a way that’s not better or worse, just different. Wilsonification: An author portrays an inanimate object as if it were a person, specifically, the kind of person who would be named Wilson. Pallegory: All the elements in a story have a second meaning, just for you, because you’re such a good customer. — Link in bio to all forbidden fruit https://www.instagram.com/p/CnpJRzZOP8-/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Some Guy > This Dude I Know > My Buddy > A Friend > A Good Buddy Of Mine (> My Dude > My Guy > Best Friend) The following is an academic review of straight male friendships in The United States. Through thousands of surveys and oral interviews, a definitive hierarchy has been determined. The author has also included representative language used by straight males and inserted notes as needed to illustrate the nuance within each category. — Link in bio to review and examples Article by @hunnagardnah (at The Bar) https://www.instagram.com/p/Cnhs6OLJlxJ/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

1. 30-Day Yoga Challenge Start in down dog while you’re on hold with CVS. Breathe deeply in and out as you ask when your medication will be back in stock. Transition to child’s pose after the pharmacist answers all your questions with “I’m sorry, I can’t tell you that information because it’s a controlled substance.” Repeat for 30 days. 2. Dry January Good luck with this one! That wine’s going to look real nice after your pharmacy vaguely says you’ll see your meds “sometime in the next few months.” 3. Prioritize Your Relationships Try building a deeper relationship with your pharmacist. Even learning their name will create a special bond that will, hopefully, be handy when you are begging them for more information about their restocking dates. 4. Add More Variety to Your Diet You’ve either forgotten to eat or had eight meals today. Both count. 5. Daily Meditation Practice Try choosing a meditation practice that has you repeatedly chanting the affirmations, “I didn’t do it on purpose, I have ADHD”; “It’s not an excuse, it’s an actual neurobehavioral disorder”; “No, meds will not ‘fix my ADHD,’ but it will make my life more manageable and would be nice to have!” 6. Drink More Water Coffee counts. — Link in bio to all 20 resolutions List by @kuhnaptakesanap https://www.instagram.com/p/Cne_zr-Jhry/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Understatement is so becoming https://www.instagram.com/p/CnLvs5buTg0/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Hello, Frank? This is Greg, from Consolidated Solutions. How’s it going? Great. Well, listen, everyone on the team really loved meeting you, but I’m sorry to say we’re not going to be able to offer you the job. Your qualifications were outstanding, sure, but we were really looking more for somebody who already has this job—you know, a person who has worked in this exact position at our specific company for the past five or six years. Don’t get me wrong—on paper, you had pretty much everything we were looking for. We wanted an account executive with eight to ten years of experience who specializes in the restaurant industry, and you are indeed an account executive with eight to ten years of experience who specializes in the restaurant industry. The problem is, all eight to ten years of your experience were at a company that is not Consolidated Solutions, which could lead to all sorts of problems if we bring you on here. Your supervisor’s name would be Stacy, for instance, and I happen to know that your current supervisor’s name is Sheila. We just don’t have the resources right now to spend 20 minutes training you to say Stacy instead of Sheila. And when you factor in that the bathrooms are almost certainly in a different part of our office than they are in your office, that training process could easily stretch from minutes into… well, more minutes, I guess. You made it very far in our interview process, just to be clear. It was down to you and an internal candidate, although we ended up not offering her the job either. We loved that she already worked here and understood our culture and everything, but we didn’t love that she already worked here at a different position than the one we were looking to fill. And, sure, she’s basically been doing the open job since her supervisor left a few months ago, sparking us to list the position in the first place, but getting used to referring to her by her new job title would have taken us, like, an hour at least. Plus, we would have had to give her a raise, which, ick. — Link in bio to full decline (at Consolidated Solutions) https://www.instagram.com/p/CnJTRJ_Oz6U/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Two PIC pieces feature in this week’s Newsletter of Humorous Writing: James Klein’s “A Hearty Fuck You from Cream of Tartar” and John-Clark Levin’s “‘Kiss Me I’m Irish’ T-Shirts for Those with Partial Ancestry.” See our stories for links to both, and enjoy! https://www.instagram.com/p/CnDOwuQJVJo/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

It’s almost 2023, so I wanted to get out ahead of the new year and remind you that you would hate to live in a van. I know you’ve seen the TikTok reels and DIY YouTube videos, but you do not want to live in a van. You think you do, and I get it, but no you don’t. “But it could be fun to ride out the recession like that!” you’re screaming at me. To that I say: it will not be fun. You have to shower in every @planetfitness across the country. You are peeing closer to poison ivy than you ever have before. You are shitting in the holes of animals you couldn’t name if they stood in front of you. Your bed is underneath a cabinet that doubles as your desk somehow. You have no roommates, sure, but you also have no stove. Pick your battles. “But I don’t need that much to be happy!” you muse. I doubt it. You’ll go a few days before thinking the space needs a little sprucing up. Maybe an extra pillow, another shelf, perhaps a sturdier water bottle. Then what, do you burn your old water bottle? No, it will sit in your drawer/pot/planter until you decide that a van is a terrible idea. Then you'll drive back to Glenolden Pennsylvania and empty out your year-long tiny-house-on-wheels and find that ugly water bottle again. And then you'll throw it out. “But I could see all of America!” So what? You’ve seen one mountain you’ve seen every mountain. They all look like that. How different could a big rock possibly look? Oh, this one’s gray! This one is pointy! This one’s got white at the top! Do you want to see something gray, pointy, and white at the top? I’ve got a guy you can text to see it all in one night. Plus, what more of America is worth seeing? If you want snow, you go to Maine. If you want fall foliage, you go to Vermont. If you want rocks, you go to Utah. If you want to hate your body, go to California. Everywhere else is just filler. — Link in bio to full reminder Article by @alyssamo74 (at Glenolden, Pennsylvania) https://www.instagram.com/p/CmwwxyeJZ0h/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

Most Exclusive Packages Your child will ride to Santa on one of the polar bears that we've bred over the last 30 years to be docile and tame. Our elves feed you and your family rare chocolates, while praising you for fictional good deeds you did this year. Along a path covered in our specially formulated “indoor snow” that doesn't melt, championship figure skaters then lift your child above their heads and bring them to Santa, here played by actor Brian Cox. You can request either a jolly Mr. Cox, or if you are raising your child to be psychologically crushed by your family's wealth and status, he can act closer to his Succession character and be withholding and megalomaniacal. You will receive a rendering of the entire experience as a hologram (hence the required motion capture suits). — Link in bio to all available packages at each tier https://www.instagram.com/p/CmgM_CyOpRC/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

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