Have you been struggling on the apps lately? Are you looking to put down your phone, permanently abandon civilization, and seek freedom and vengeance on the high seas? Look no further than this compilation of
CAPTAIN NEMO DATING ADVICE
Step One: Go someplace where youโre likely to encounter people with similar interests: for example, the middle of the Pacific Ocean.
Step Two: Abduct rescue your prospective lover from a potentially life-threatening situation. Donโt be discouraged if this doesnโt work out right away - you may need to sink two or three ships before you find that someone special.
Step Three: Listen thoughtfully to your prospective lover while he introduces himself. You may be tempted at this point to respond in kind, but resist the urge - there will be plenty of time for that later. In fact, donโt talk at all. Ideally, pretend you donโt even speak the same language. DO NOT ENGAGE, no matter how many languages he and his friends may collectively attempt to communicate to you with, and no matter how many items of clothing may or may not have been removed with a knife prior to his rescue.
Step Four: Wait at least twenty-four hours before announcing your presence to your prospective lover at the most dramatic moment possible. When confronted with your previous actions, deny all wrongdoing and refuse to tell him your real name. Inform him that he is trapped with you indefinitely.
Step Five: Make it up to him by serving him a fancy breakfast!
Step Six: Info-dump about your submarine vessel for the equivalent of two and a half chapters. This is also a great opportunity to let slip that youโre a gifted musician, engineering genius, and incredibly rich (where applicable).
Step Seven: Completely vanish for days without any explanation as to where youโve gone or what youโre doing. Do not allow any of your friends to speak to your prospective lover or give him indications as to your dark purpose.
Step Eight: Abruptly reappear and take your prospective lover on a life-changing underwater adventure, for example, walking through a submarine forest or diving to the sunken city of Atlantis.
Step Nine: Repeat steps seven and eight as needed. Be sure to liberally sprinkle your conversations with ominous but vague comments about quiet graves and your uncompromising desire for revenge.
COMMONLY ENCOUNTERED PROBLEMS
What if I need to commit morally ambiguous acts while my prospective lover is my captive esteemed guest? What morally ambiguous acts? Societyโs laws donโt apply to you.
What if my prospective lover has one really, really annoying friend who keeps ruining the mood with propositions to escape and complaints about his prolonged imprisonment my incredible hospitality? DO NOT kill him, no matter how badly you may want to. This generally makes a bad impression. DO make it abundantly clear that his presence is a massive inconvenience for you.
What if my prospective lover is put off by my murdering people in my quest for vengeance? Itโs always a good idea to keep your personal life and your professional life separate. The best way to avoid this problem is to ensure that your lover never finds out - thatโs why soporifics were invented!
What if my prospective lover has just succeeded in escaping with that aforementioned annoying friend of his? Some things just donโt work out according to plan. Seems you have no recourse but to play the organ and weep uncontrollably!
Hope this helps someone find the forty-year-old marine biologist of their dreams!
kianamaiart
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