Political Chuckles

I write funny political blogs! Watch out snowflakes, I’m coming for ya!

[politicalchuckles]

The "Woke Police" are Trying to Destroy Rachael's Life (The Bachelor)

Wee-ooo-wee-ooo! That's the sound of the woke police!

Over the last couple of days, Rachael Kirkconnell has been attacked for being a racist. Yes, Rachael Kirkconnell from the Bachelor. Pictures started to arise of Rachael at a "plantation-themed" sorority party, and holy shit the internet cannibals came out to feast. According to these internet goons, Rachael, who is attempting to seduce Matt, the first black Bachelor, into marriage, is a racist. Let me say this again: Rachael, who wishes to get married to a black man, is racist. Yes, yes, this all makes sense. Oh wait, no it fucking doesn't!

Because I am one wise son of a bitch, allow me to enlighten you on what the hell is actually going on here. There are two reasons why these people want to destroy Rachael. First, the fat, repulsive, blue-haired, leftists of the internet want to destroy Rachael because she is HOT. Its that simple. Whenever a white, hot, young lady enters the spotlight, the leftists' spidey-senses start going off. "OMG! What do we do? She's white AND hot!? God forbid, she might be a Trump-supporter! We must destroy her!" Leftists by definition are ugly slugs, similar to that of Roz from Monster's Inc. And just like Roz, leftists are "always watching." They're watching, waiting, and even digging up completely irrelevant facts in an attempt to destroy this beautiful woman. So much for feminism, where you celebrate the successes of fellow-women. I guess feminism doesn't extend to you when you're white (and exceptionally attractive).

The second reason that they wish Rachael's demise is that Rachael was at a party, meaning she has a social life--something the leftists envy. You see, leftists genetically are incapable of having fun. All they do is tear people down. We have seen this during COVID. The virus has given them a reason to show their true colors. I can't tell you how many times I've heard them scream "No fun allowed!" while I'm trying to eat a fucking hot dog. Apparently, sticking any long cylindrical object up to my mouth sets off their "party alarm".

However, if Rachael is anything like me, she probably doesn't care what kind of party it is as long as there is an incredible amount of alcohol. If you put a drink in my hand, I'd show up to a Klan meeting. The point is, she was a young girl looking to party. That does not mean she is a racist. Instead of calling her out on a party she went to years ago, maybe you should stop and think about the context: she's trying to marry a fucking black guy!

The best part about it is that Rachael actually apologized, which she definitely didn't need to do. She said, "My ignorance was racist." Since fucking when did ignorance become a hate crime.  Her ignorance and unawareness are simply the things that make her not racist. If Rachael didn't even fucking know what kind of party she was at or what kind of message she was allegedly sending to all black people, then obviously she is not guilty of racism. Correct me if I'm wrong (which I'm not), racism is the belief that other races possess different characteristics or qualities that make them inferior. If you are ignorant of the fact that you're being "racist", then you obviously do not believe in the inferiority of the other race. In other words, how do you hate black people and not even know it? So apparently, she was ignorant of the fact that she saw black people as inferior. Thank God for the lazy internet slugs who informed Rachael of her unbeknownst chronic racism.

Overall, the lesson here is that, before you call someone racist, look to see whether or not they are openly dating a black man on TV.

[politicalchuckles]

Melania Trump: Hate to See Her Go, Love to Watch Her Leave

Many people hated President Donald Trump, and that's understandable. But goshdarn, there wasn’t a single American who was sick of seeing Melania Trump’s fine ass by his side. She’s got more curves than Chris Chisty’s belly. And when she got to talking with that hot foriegn accent, she transported every American male to Bonertown. Flagpoles were at full staff like the troops were coming home, if you know what I mean.

Remember that one time when she literally plagiarized Michelle Obama’s speech, word for word, at the Republican National Convention? Nobody gave a shit, because she looked hot doing it. Normally, something like that would have sent the media into a frenzy, but the reporters were too busy controlling their trouser snakes to write any kind of hit-piece.

Thank you, Melania Trump, for your service as first lady, and thank you for seasoning my beefstick. I hate to see you go, but dang, I love to watch you leave.

[politicalchuckles]

Hold On, Brace Yourself for a Shitty Economy

On your mark, get set for a shitty economy. Sleepy Joe Biden in his first week in office is signing an ass-load of executive orders that make nearly every American’s life worse. This is who you elected folks (assuming that he didn’t steal the election). First, Biden canceled the Keystone Pipeline, killing thousands of UNION jobs. Union workers! These are people who most likely voted for Biden. And really, you can’t blame Biden. This is what he said he was going to do. Yet these stupid, motherfucking union workers voted him in anyway!

Biden also reversed every Trump tax cut, which will cost the working-class American on average an additional $4,000 per year. Mind you, this is during a global pandemic, which has been devastating to small businesses and nearly every American’s bank account. In addition, I have a diabetic friend who tells me that the price of insulin sky-rocketed because Biden is such a pussy that he immediately let the big pharmaceutical companies piss all over him. Literally, Biden is taking a golden shower in the shadow of these pharmaceutical companies.

Not to mention the feminists, who already have their panties in a twist with Biden’s new law that allows transgender people to participate in women’s sports. Personally, I’m torn on this one, because nothing gets me going more than a pissed-off feminist and having a transgender version of James Harding in the WNBA would certainly make it more interesting. The point is that Biden, within a week of taking office, has already fucked over half of his supporters, and they are fuming!

But what the fuck did you expect? You get what you vote for, my friends.

[politicalchuckles]

Thousands of Soldiers Forced to Live in Parking Garage

For everyone that loves America, our troops are almost sacred. They symbolize the American way, which is that if you fuck with us “we’ll put a boot in your ass”, as Toby Keith explains in his country song called “Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue”, which is extremely popular with white men who own lifted Ford F-150’s. People who love this country would do anything to accommodate troops who actively fight, sometimes until death, to keep us safe and to ensure that the American people retain their freedom.

Now lets contrast to the disgusting series of events we saw at the capitol this past week. Over 5,000 troops, who helped secure our nation’s capitol from a domestic terror attack and potential coup, met with politicians and then were immediately kicked out of the capitol building to live in a parking garage with two bathrooms and no internet. After protecting the capital for two weeks, the soldiers were asked by senators and congressmen to partake in a meet-and-greet. The senators shook the troops hands and flashed a stupid, toothy, smug grin (under their super-safe, ultra-strength masks, of course) for the cameras. They looked more smug than Dave Portnoy in a hockey helmet―truly sickening. Once they were done, the troops were allegedly kicked out by Capitol Police to live in the parking garage.

One soldier said, “Yesterday dozens of senators and congressmen walked down our lines taking photos, shaking our hands and thanking us for our service. Within 24 hours, they had no further use for us and banished us to the corner of a parking garage. We feel incredibly betrayed.” I am going to vomit. This is simply unacceptable, especially during a global pandemic. I mean these soldiers were packed into the parking garage like sardines. And with no showers, they probably smelled like them, too. Troops who relentlessly fought to secure our nation from a domestic threat were betrayed and banished by the leaders of this country. These senators and congressmen are truly slimier than eels at an oil factory.

[politicalchuckles]

Smoochin’ Joe Biden

I think we were all very shocked to see Joe Biden’s make-out session with his son, Hunter, at the inauguration. It was lip-to-lip, old fashion smooching with another man (not that there’s anything wrong with that). But its his own fucking son. And I’m not going to lie, I think I saw some tongue action. We’ve seen it before with Tom Brady, but Tom did it with a child. Hunter is a grown-ass man. I don't know if that makes it better or worse, but it definitely makes me feel icky. Nevertheless, once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I did a little research and found out that Smoochin’ Joe Biden has had a history of kissing close relatives on the mouth. The picture that is particularly interesting is the smooch session with his granddaughter. But honestly, you can’t blame Biden, because he probably got confused, as he often does, and thought that it was his wife.

But this is a good thing. Our country is currently incredibly divided. I think that something like this can truly bring us all together. No matter what your political views, Democrat or Republican, liberal or conservative, we can all agree that this is fucking bizarre. As you know, I am all about unity, and this could very well be the event that brings healing to the nation. While watching the inauguration, every American said in unison, “What in the actual fuck was that?” That is healing. Thank you Biden for attempting to bring unity to America at the expense of chapped lips.