looking Forward To Meeting You

writing for april

[polkadotairplane]

april 30: final:

landing:

the clouds lay like a thin blanket at 20% opacity layers on multiply upon arrival.  the patches of grass underneath are the grey and white checkered pattern transparency.

seeing the other planes in the sky i wonder if our planes kissed in the sky and created a horrible yet erotic explosion. accidentally tumbling over and crashing in each others wings grasping and spiralling downward.

an unfamiliar location, i can’t help but wonder what it’s like to live a life in a place like this. 

ripping through the clouds and my window becomes soaked with streaks of rainwater creating a grid like the plains underneath me.

an exciting feeling when we drop in altitude my stomach does backflips and zaps me in an intimate spot. i squeeze my thighs together when i feel it as a knee jerk reaction. the flight attendant asks us to put our seatbelts on and i quietly unbuckle mine under my jacket like a blanket. 

my favourite part of travelling is the time i get to spend here with you in the sky and i wouldn’t have it any other way.

i was thinking how embarrassed i would be if you watched my plane crash on Flight Radar 24

[polkadotairplane]

april 30:

taking off:

vibrations in my feet the window facing the sun im sweating from the warmth i can’t help but get a little shy when i’m in here

feeling tiny next to the airbus 380-861 a giant forehead kiss from the jet bridge im floating to the heart of the airplane.

wondering which runway she’ll take me on, i leave it all up to her. the vibrations of the wheels on my seat excite me for a moment but nobody knows it. jolting me back and forth while we bump over some cracks on the tarmac. upskirt of the plane taking off in front of us, i see her wheels tuck back into her belly.

the planes line up in front of me to take off and i wonder why everyone is going to that destination, a glimpse of someone else’s window in a different airplane they look so small 

the engine ramps up and my heart starts to race to the rhythm of the condensation dripping off the window i press into my seat engulfed in a cheap faux leather cushion it smells like chemicals

the pressure of take off forces my eyes to close a little bit i can feel myself squeezing into the seats even harder. we pass though the clouds and are faced with some turbulence. i secretly take my seatbelt off. it takes a second for me to see out the window again when i am greeted with a blanket of white fog. i wonder how much higher we’ll be once we rip through it and i can see again.

[polkadotairplane]

april 29:

part of me wishes i didn't say that

part of me wishes i said anything at all

[polkadotairplane]

april 28:

i recently tried to make a lego sculpture, and i completed it successfully. usually i doubt the patience and capacity i have for a puzzle and beat myself up telling myself i can't i can't. but similar to the train who said "i think i can i think i can", i completed the lego and now have a beautiful sculpture.

don't let others tell you you have no patience, you have it all. i have the most patience, i say i don't have much of it but i think i have more patience than at least 70% of the population in the city or the country i have so much patience you would never understand that i would be a really good parent, but i don't crochet or knit or bead, i have patience for emotion and perseverance

[polkadotairplane]

april 27.5:

coil curled like a small ribbon ready to be unraveled like a gift on the first day of school: you’re nervous. you’re timid. i hope everyone here feels the same way about tying your shoes with one bunny ear rather than two, or three people have talked to me today and they all have fixed ideas of constructing a gathering to be easy to talk to every individual in the room. ice breaker anyone? the sour candy my dad bought after church the watermelon and kiwi flavour it’s so sharp in my mouth a cut forms and a dragonfly lands on my lap. present time is a joke that isn’t ready to be told. laughed at, your whole life you decide to make a change of plans and dress differently today. it feels wrong in all ways but you keep thinking this is the only way you can achieve approval in your mothers eyes green with a spec of red on the side, you always thought they were blue. 

tell me then, why are you fickle? 

fickle: someone to change frequently not have their mind set they’re always thinking of someone else but actually that’s a great example of whoever let your mind wander for 5-10 minutes give it a moment to sit like the salt and ice challenge, it looked so painful yet you wanted to know what it’s like but you’re just too afraid. you flick the switch, dim the lights, and begin the next story you hope to never come true. 

[polkadotairplane]

april 27:

frozen lasagna for dinner on my roof i feel a breath of fresh air calling to me, saying “today is spring”.

i play with the leftover sauce of my lasagna like a zen garden.

that breath of fresh air has sauce stains on it’s cheek.

[polkadotairplane]

april 26:

faced with a few difficult decisions i wake up feeling nervous. nervous again and i start to feel frozen like a popsicle waiting to be split and shared with a friend. to break a popsicle successfully is near impossible, it drips down my hand as the piece cracks off. its not as easy as you see in shows or movies.

my popsicle fallen to the floor in between your legs, quietly i will pick it up and let my mind wander for a moment. the next day the floor is stained and dust has collected onto the sticky spot left behind.

i hate having to think about what decision to make, and i hate having to be a productive perosn. once the chain breaks and i lose momentum, it starts to get cloudy for me. i cant seem to remember who is who.. and what meal i should have in the morning -- or if i should have one at all.

[polkadotairplane]

april 25:

the eraser does not occupy my mind. i just keep moving. i don’t like to use the backspace button.

it’s like chess, once you touch the pawn you have to move it . fair game,

[polkadotairplane]

poem for a friend who felt embarrassed about forgetting how to count by 8's in front of the class:

you did your best and that’s all you can do. have a soup and things will be less askew.

a warm broth for a nice fellow, sit out side for a bit and the birds will say hello.

counting by 8s is no easy task, how about you wind down tonight, and grab yourself a flask.

[polkadotairplane]

april 24:

I love the way a saftey pin is coiled in a tiny little loop i just want to unravel her

[polkadotairplane]

april 23:

i cant help but look up at the sky when i hear an airplane coming. it doesn't mean i'm ignoring what you're saying.

when there is one right above my head i cant help but think someone is directly sitting and talking and living and breathing on top of me hundreds of feet into the sky.

my heart beats fast, hoping one day it will crash down on me. i feel safe with the metal parts wrapping around me and i cant move.

[polkadotairplane]

april 22:

these days i spend most of my time daydreaming about whatever i can imagine in my heart my mind is there a picture i can reference? no need to draw, just have it in the head. though a journal isn’t a bad idea after all, but then it becomes reality. no need to record these things when they can stay safely stored in my brain locked by a screen time passcode set by my lover but i found out the code long ago and use it secretly.

the wooden banana necklace i always wear has the varnish peeling off slightly and the air has touched the skin of the paint and at a certain point i notice that it’s scraped down all the way to the wood base. the core exposed my imagination explored by the varnish waiting at the bus stop to be bought yet again but there’s no reason to be hasty just let the banana ripen a bit for it to be fresher the better for all of us.

a gentle breeze on my scalp my hair thinning of words while listening to a song that i heard at a young age my life will never be the same without this lyric the song rings like a school bell recess is over why do we ever have to go back inside when my life had only just begun?

stuck like glue on a bench outside is better than being inside my bed thinking and obsessively wondering and imagining the days away.

[polkadotairplane]

april 21:

marshmallow hamster like a clump of sugar

a clump sweet like a sugar lamb in an easter basket.

ready to be blessed, i wait for the water,

a big giant spray, full throttle.

marshmallow hamster all drenched and at fault,

here is the point, where he starts to dissolve.

i promised the hamster he wouldn't get wet,

but he's secretly excited, not at all upset.

marshmallow hamster withered away,

next time i'll know when and when not to play.

[polkadotairplane]

april 20:

sometimes you use terms ive never heard of before and i have to *secretly* google them. this isnt the first time, and its not just with you. im just always learning

[polkadotairplane]

april 19:

today i bought a giant hairclip, well, it came in the mail today. its not what i expected. i mean, its a big clip. its too big for its intended purpose of being a clip. having a giant clip is used for feeling small. small in this world where i have just 3 options to choose what i will do for the rest of the day. i can only stick with one option or else i will turn into pudding, and i hate pudding.

a giant clip is used to hold up my sheer see-through curtain. i got rid of my regular blinds awhile ago because i never used them. nobody is looking up here anyways. maybe i wish they did. life would be more exciting this way. generously, this giant clip will help me keep the see-through blinds open a bit more, like an eye about to open (or close).

[polkadotairplane]

april 18:

you can tell yourself to complete a task every day but once you miss two days, you're doomed — at least that is what ive heard from someone recently.

writing in my journal every day since i was 11 and stopping when i started university was my biggest flaw. i look at an old entry from 12 years ago today and see the same person. i write about my days inside, playing video games, and talking about what was happening in my game. i didn't bother to write about my "irl" life much.

the journal is written in a way that i wrote for another person to read. thinking that when i'm older ill be famous and people will find this and see my story (thats what my grandpa told me to believe). but its just about which villager moved out of my town in animal crossing: wild world, and what boss battle i finally defeated in kid icaus uprising.

[polkadotairplane]

april 17:

you wake up with a little crust in your eye and you go to wash your face in the morning. you had a good sleep.

you're met with the same dead bug in your bathroom laying with its belly up. you sit on the toilet and pee as you look at him and wonder if you'll ever discard of him properly.