As I walk through the door, my heart is heavy. The weight of the day's emotions feels like it is dragging me to the floor.
I kick my shoes off, hang up my jacket, and meander towards the kitchen, ready to grab a drink and drown my emotions.
"Where do you think you're going, young man?" your voice rings out from behind me.
"Love, not today, it's just been," I stop midsentence, not sure how to explain or even if I should.
I don't want to thrust the heaviness of trauma onto someone else's shoulders.
"I just need a beer," I continue as I turn back towards the kitchen.
Before I can take two steps, your hand is on my chest.
"Like hell you do," you swear, causing me to flinch back at the harsh words, "You know babies don't drink."
I try to shove past you, too drained to play your little games.
"I said not today," I grunt more assertively.
You plant yourself in front of me, pushing me back with ease despite your smaller stature.
"I never said you get to pick," you retort, grabbing me by the ear.
Frustration and anger boil over as you drag me to the nursery by my ear like a chastened child.
"Stop, fuck, please, let go! Fuck! I said stop!" I bellow, flailing my arms impotently as you take control.
In what feels like mere seconds, I am over your knee.
I feel you deftly undo my belt and pull it free of the loops.
Before I can so much as scream, my pants and underwear are around my thighs, and the loud smack of leather on flesh is ringing through the air.
Tears run down my face as I begin to uncontrollably cry.
"Please," I beg, "Please stop!"
You don't relent. With another flash of your wrist, you strap my bare ass with my own belt again.
"Fuck, please! I'll be good, I'll be good! Just stop!"
You let up, rubbing my sore cheeks as you lean down next to my ear.
"Baby, this hurts me worse than it hurts you. Trust me."
Used leather tans my hide again. My sobs are uncontrollable.
Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong? Do I deserve this?
Eventually, even those thoughts leave my head as you continue to strap me. All I can focus on are the abstract concepts of pain, exhaustion, sadness, and fear.
Mucus and tears combine to stream down my face like a river. My bladder loses control, falling into old habits as you continue to treat me like a child.
As suddenly as this all started, you stop.
You set the belt by your side and pull me into a deep hug.
Your pants are soaked, but neither of us care.
I bury my face in the crook of your neck and sob as you lovingly stroke my back.
I feel the brush of your lips on my forehead as you gently rock me.
"It's ok, baby. It's okay. I've got you," you coo gently, "Let it all out. Let all those big, nasty feelings out."
My cries redouble as I let all of the days emotions hit me at once. The stress, the anger, the fear, the sadness, the confusion, the overwhelmingness: they all hit me at once.
I melt even further into your arms as you continue to hold me, my rock in the tumultuous ocean of my emotions.
Eventually, the emotions fade and my cries stop.
You take me by the side of the face and tilt my head up, making eye contact with me.
"Now isn't that better?" You purr softly.
I nod my head in acquiescence before you plant your soft lips on mine.
"Now, let's go get you cleaned up! It seems like some baby had a rough day, and could use some little time."
I nod my head again and let you guide me to the nearby changing table, happy to know that no matter how hard things get, I will forever be yours.
