Polyodic Table

This is the Tumblr for Polyodic Table. A blog run by Abbie Albarn, your friendly neighbourhood polyamorous whiskey-mum. At 24 years I decided it was time to really get into writing. If you like it, visit https://www.polyodic-table.de for even more. Have fun!

[polyodictable]

Creepy

We do have a place where I've been with no one but you. It was a beautiful November Day and we met for the second time. Our second Date. I was already in love with you. I guess you didn't know that, you thought that I just liked you a bit, if you were even that confident in me at all. But I'd loved you from the beginning. It was a wonderful day. We layed on the grass and let the sounds of the city drown out our thoughts, as kissed and breathed in each others smell. You smelled like early summer. Warm and kind of floral. I've been there by myself after this day. A lot, actually. Spend whole afternoons there, just sitting where we layed, reading a book, playing on my phone. I could see us there. Feel your warmth like you were there with me. We could only see each other on the weekends and this was my way of being with you. I never told you, because I felt like I was being creepy. But now, after more than three years i know, that you're just as creepy as me.

[polyodictable]

Time Management and Self-Care

It's not always sunny in Philadelphia. Or in Polyamory, for that matter. Time management is a constant issue in my relationships and I am not a person that is good with calendars. Anthony has a exams coming up, Alex is working hard on getting his full-time position and I am a parent to a wonderful two year old kid. Our schedules never match up. Now of course Alex is my nesting partner, which means he and I life together. I am really happy about it, too. It feels good having him around, we work well together and I really miss him every second we don't spend together. Even if he's just at work. We spend each evening with each other, even if it's not that much quality time. Most days we just slump onto the couch and watch a few episodes of a show, while we talk about our day. On the weekends, we try to be a little more active, spend a lot of time with Dylan and sometimes we will even go to parties or meet some friends. Anthony and I on the other hand spend mostly quality time, since we can't see each other that often and use every second for talking about who knows what and bonding. Sometimes, that spells trouble. Alex isn't always too sure about himself. He struggels with his self-esteem and that translates onto me aswell. One day he complained about only having the "daily-grind"-Abbie to himself, while my other partner and friends were out having fun with "free-time"-Abbie. That they would get all my quality time. This brings me to my newest struggle. Trying to implement "free-time"-Abbie into the daily grind. It brought me to realise something. I do need quality time just with myself. To bring any "free time" feeling into the daily grind, I'd have to feel free at first. Today I took two hours off. I didn't look at my phone, didn't think about the kid, just did my make-up and put on nice clothes. When I was done, I stood before the mirror taking pictures, just being silly. I had a little bit of free-time. Between writing, doing the household, playing with Dylan and sailing the rocky cliffs that surround time management in polyamorous relationships, I just took time for myself. It felt like a small vacation and I think, that maybe "free-time"-Abbie might make an appearance later on.

[genderqueerpositivity]

(Image description: the lesbian, trans, pansexual, demisexual gay, polyamory, sapphic, queer, lesbian, demiboy, and demigirl pride flags with the words “not adult content” centered in white text. End image description.)

[polyodictable]

I used to self-harm

When the blade hit my skin, my breath caught in my chest and the ache set free all the dopamin I wasn't able to feel otherwise. A wave of optimism washed over me and my brain felt tingly at the sensation. The blood was oozing from my wound, as I dragged the sharp edge over my skin, digging even deeper releasing even more dopamin. The other edge of the razorblade dug into my hand as I pressed harder. Then came the pain. It hit me hard, dug deep into my flesh, tearing me apart. I finally felt free.

It’s been a few years. But the last scar is still staring at me from my arm. It feels like it’s glaring at me, when ever I feel insecure, ugly, hurt. 

[polyodictable]

Validity

"I feel valid", I tell Alex. We've had our "opening talk" a few weeks ago and I met someone I really liked. They were nice, sweet and new into polyamory. I've been with Max for only a couple of days, but being openly in two relationships made me feel valid. Open. Honest about myself. I felt like I was fully being me. Finally. It was a long way to finding myself. Being a genderqueer omnisexual kid in a catholic little town in bavaria, germany. When I fell in love for the first time, it was my friend Anna, we were 9 years old and I had crushed so hard, I started smiling when ever I heard her name. I even learned how to use chopsticks, because I knew that she would be impressed with that. But alas, my gaydar wasn't all that accurate back then and she didn't like me back. She later went on to marry a guy who went to kindergarden with us. Fully monogamous, heterosexual, yeah, that one, I really messed up. I went on to date only guys until I was about 16 years old. Fully aware of how disgusting I was for liking girls, how inhumane it was to be a lesbian, how much my family despised people like me. I didn't even know if I liked my first three boyfriends, I just took them, because they were interested and no girls. Good enough. I was heterosexual, right? It was my fully cis-het, monogamous ex-boyfriend whom I was dating for a year at that point who told me, that it was okay for me to like both girls and boys, even if I liked girls a little more. Bisexuality was a completly normal thing he told me. Encouraged me to try out kissing other girls. By the time I was 21 I had four ex-girlfriends, 7 ex-boyfriends, a few inbetween. I considered myself as bisexual then. A bisexual woman, more on the non-binary side, but a woman nontheless. Then I met Alex and we really hit it off. Through him I discovered a big realm of gender identities. I resonated with the term demi-gender. We opened our relationship sexually right from the beginning. I wasn't about to pretend I could be fully monogamous, as I wasn't able to in my previuos relationships. I had crushes fairly often and I had really big trouble not acting on them. I don't fall in love easily, actually I think I might be truly in love for the third time in my life right now, but I am a very physical person and strong bonds are bound to get physical. It took us three years until we settled on the term polyamory. We both actually never really knew that word, so we never bothered with it. After a few days of my second relationship started, we were out in public together. That was the moment I realised, that I was ready to tell the world who I truly am. I have found myself fully now.

[polyodictable]

Anthony

I just can't stop talking to you. I see so much of myself in you, it's almost like looking into a mirror, but mentally. But unlike myself, I love you. You are my best friend, my lover, my support. We met at partys, mostly. You were always very easy to talk to, we clicked well, laughed on and on. But we never really kept in contact. So you were fluttering in and out of my life quite irregular, until I wrote you after another party, where we hit it off AGAIN. Our goodbye-hug lingering just one second too long. I found you quite attractive. Which was the reason I never really had the courage to talk to you. After we got closer and closer I notced things that should have grabbed my attention way sooner. You were great with Dylan, really liked being in contact with him whenever we had him with us at partys. You never had girls, or guys, flocking around you, despite your good looks, it seemed like you didn't really get that much attention. I was being totally superfical with you. And as I stopped and looked closer, I noticed way too late, that it was the only thing that kept me from falling for you. I love our discussions, even though we share the same opinions. I love our bickering. When I start swooning about your freckles and you get that look on your face, which tells me I'm in deep trouble. I love your smirk, your cockyness. I love how you pin me down and make me forget everything in the blink of an eye. I love you.

[polyodictable]

Alex

We met online. I was new to online dating entirely and I didn't like the idea of meeting a significant other online or even finding a date there. A hook up was all I planed you'd be. When I met you, I was stunned by your  way of walking, looking at me, talking and just being THERE. You took me in. In knew that I was in love with you, when you kissed me goodbye. It's almost been three and a half years and yet you still give off those same vibes when you enter the room. Your eyes still capture me. Make me feel at home. Your voice catches me. I love to listen to you explaining things. There's a spark between us every time you take my hand. Every time you ruffle my hair. I adore you, while you play with Dylan. You two are playing with his yellow toy car, the one he loves the most and he laughes, while he drives the car up your arm. You are a great dad and I love you even more, everytime I see you play with Dylan. You look up at me and I can't help smiling. Our connection doesn't have to be physical all the time. I like that. You're sweet, caring, loving... I love the way your fingernails dig into the skin of my back, gently but almost drawing blood.