Adventures In Polyamory

My secret blog about the goings on in my polyamorous life.

[polywogslovetales]

It’s been 6 months since we last spoke, and almost a year since we broke up, and it still hurts like yesterday.

[polywogslovetales]

He'll Never Know

He'll never understand how much his absence hurts, how much I wish he hurts as bad as I do. He'll never get to see me cry because he chose to leave and no longer gets access to my most intimate pains.

[polywogslovetales]

Limitations

Being polyamorous is just part of who I am and I wouldn't change that.

However.

In a lot of instances this broad term has been co-opted by people who want an excuse for their behavior in relationships. Polyamory is both more ubiquitous and more universally disliked and its a strange combination. As I begin the process of getting back out into the dating world in search of a nesting partner it is ever more obvious to me that I am not what most people are looking for due in large part to being polyamorous. This is further exacerbated by the fact that I live in Arkansas and the dating pool is maybe not the best. Being monogamous would be dishonest to myself and who I am, but I have to acknowledge that being polyamorous comes with certain limitations.

[polywogslovetales]

I can not overstate how huge of a difference a full day of physical affection that ended in amazingly hot sex makes on my overall sense of fulfillment and wellbeing. We’ve been together for over 6 years and I’m giggly like it’s our first time together. Every feeling of disconnect I had been experiencing was banished by your kisses, and hugs, and playful pinches.

[polywogslovetales]

And now he’s gone. Been gone. But lingering still in the quiet hours before sunrise

[polywogslovetales]

How many nights must I go to bed alone in a house I can’t keep clean after fortnight’s worth of work crammed into 7 days all the while pouring myself into others before I feel whole again? How many nights

[polywogslovetales]

I can not overstate how huge of a difference a full day of physical affection that ended in amazingly hot sex makes on my overall sense of fulfillment and wellbeing. We’ve been together for over 6 years and I’m giggly like it’s our first time together. Every feeling of disconnect I had been experiencing was banished by your kisses, and hugs, and playful pinches.

[polywogslovetales]

It always feels petulant to articulate this, but I often find myself wishing that someone in my life would just look at me and think “damn, I just want to tear their clothes off and make them squirm.,” in a powerfully sexual way. For all of the deep love I have for and feel from my partners, I don’t think any of them experience that. And I understand that it is not a reflection of me, how I am as a sexual partner, or whether I’m attractive or not. But it does make me just a little sad.

[polywogslovetales]

I’m in an odd place and I don’t know what to do about it. I am in a committed relationship with F, M and B. M is long distance, F is close but at least a 35 minute drive away and B lives about 15 minutes from my house. I changed jobs and altered my schedule to get as much time with all 3 as possible. I spend a comically small amount of time at home (spending most of my extra time visiting them). I picked my day off so that I could get extra time with B and F, and to give me a guaranteed opportunity to video chat with M. And yet, it still doesn’t feel like enough. B wishes she had more time with me, F isn’t even sure if they really are ok with polyamory anymore and M and I have both been so busy it’s been hard to chat. I feel like I am failing all 3 of them but I love them all dearly and don’t want any of them to leave my life. But I worry that they will because I can’t give them enough. I worry that I am in a game of chicken to see who leaves first. Or that no one will leave, and instead everyone will always feel slighted. I don’t feel like I am doing well despite my best efforts. I feel like I lost the minute I thought I could be with 3 people.

[kimchicuddles]

pet peeves TikvaWolf.com text reads: Lily: He’s in an ethical-consensually-monogamous relationship now. Billy: Why are you using the qualifiers “ethical” and “consensual”? Shouldn’t a romantic relationship be both of those things already? Lily: Yeah they should be, shouldn’t they? But until people stop using them to describe NON-monogamous relationships, I’m going to use them to refer to all MONOGAMOUS relationships as well!

[polywogslovetales]

There is something absolutely heart warming about that moment when you get out of bed and your partner immediately rolls over and takes the spot you left. I don’t know why but that moment always makes me smile and has in every relationship I have ever been in.

[polywogslovetales]

The follow-up to this is when your partner wakes up just enough to tell you that your outfit is cute.

[polywogslovetales]

There is something absolutely heart warming about that moment when you get out of bed and your partner immediately rolls over and takes the spot you left. I don’t know why but that moment always makes me smile and has in every relationship I have ever been in.

[kimchicuddles]

Thank you for supporting my work! <3 patreon.com/kimchicuddles [Image Description: Panel 1: (Image of kid screaming: “My best friend’s family says the virus isn’t even real and they’re having having lots of big sleepover parties. Why can’t I go? You’re so mean, mom!” and Vajra in the background shrugging: “Yeah I mean she’s gotta have friends!”, while Kim looks exhausted). Panel 2: (Vajra, condescendingly: “My girlfriend says masks cause more harm than good, and we’ve broken safety agreements with you before, but I’m sure she’s not exposing me so why are you stressed about me having the kids over there?” Kim looks worried.). Panel 3: “Just like in all the zombie apocalypse movies, the part that’s most stressful is just dealing with the decisions of the people in your own bunker.” Kim looks annoyed and overwhelmed.)]

[kimchicuddles]

A surprising abundance of love <3 TikvaWolf.com [Image Description: Panel 1: “A hug is an immediate expression of love that I can’t share with most people right now… unless perhaps awkwardly with pool noodles duct taped to my arms”… (image of Kim wearing a mask and attempting to distance-hug someone with pool noodles duct taped to arms). Panel 2: (“But lately I’ve been experiencing a quieter sort of body connection between loved ones in the refrain! They are deeply cherishing my body through doing all they can to keep me safe.”) Panel 3: (“I’m still sad about the lack of touch. But I’m also experiencing a surprising abundance of love in this space we keep between our bodies.” (image of two arms outstretched and hearts flowing between them from a distance across the whole page).]

[kimchicuddles]

Being responsible in the ways I know how. TikvaWolf.com [Image Description: Panel 1: (Marco asking Kim: “How does it feel for your co-parent to be moving in with his girlfriend’s family during a global pandemic?”, Kim responding: “Well, it’s been kind of a struggle to empathize with them because I’m not prioritizing seeing my own partners right now.”). Panel 2: (Kim: “Part of me feels like I’m losing community, but the solo-poly in me feels like I’m gaining back important pieces of myself! It was never ideal for me to be housemates with a co-parent.”). Panel 3: (Marco: “I suppose we’re all just doing our best to be responsible in whatever situation we’re in during these strange times.”, Kim responds: “Yeah, I’m doing my best to accept the things I can’t change, so that I can funnel more energy into changing the things I CAN, while cultivating the wisdom to know the difference.”).]

[polywogslovetales]

F and I are no longer partners

[polywogslovetales]

How is that I want from casual to dispair, to hope for the first time in days, to a hopelessness worse than the despair in a single day and it’s not even lunch.

[polywogslovetales]

You ever just think “I’m tired of laying in bed and feeling sad” so you get out of bed so you can walk around and feel sad?