Perambulations and Ponderings

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Final days in Kamala Beach, Phuket

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Vietnam? Not for now!

I've never been so popular! After all, I am a man who went a number of years receiving only one birthday card (Direct Line Motor Insurance I thank you) and eating a Christmas lunch of scrambled egg and misery alone; so it has been a huge surprise to be the recipient of lots of texts, emails, FB messages and tweets in the last couple of days. The messages have all asked me to be careful because of the storm which hit The Philippines over the weekend and the fact it is due to hit Vietnam today. Well I was due to be flying to Hanoi today, but my flight has been cancelled yesterday; I'd already decided I was prepared to sacrifice my £35 ticket anyway and go elsewhere until I'm sure all is well. But it was lovely to see the concern people showed, with the exception of Princess Jessica whose attitude was 'I went to New York and sat out a hurricane, man up!' So I leave Phuket and my daily regimen of eat, swim, sunbathe, read, eat, swim, sunbathe and fly back to Bangkok, where I'll stay a couple of nights whilst deciding on next move.

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Bugs! I have eaten one! (at Aussie Pub Kamala)

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The Many Faces Of Patong

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Easy Riding and Patong Beach

I bottled the moped hire yesterday, after reading the hire agreement at my hotel which basically left me hugely financially liable for any loss, damage or theft. A quick internet search this morning said that a local 'posh' five star resort hired them with insurance policies but only to residents. Well if ten days with our kid in Dubai taught me anything, it's that if you put on the expat strut and boss people around you get what you want! And I did! A day's hire with full cover for £6! So after a crash course in starting and riding from the reception girl, I was off! Exploring beaches further up the coast. They were super. Clouds gathered mid afternoon so I decided to head to Patong Beach. I had a rant ready to go, about how the place is disgusting and the Thai people should be ashamed .... But as I walked around avoiding being grabbed by masseuses, bar girls, tailors or men offering photo ops with doped up monkeys or iguanas I realised that it's no worse than Blackpool and the Thais aren't to blame. Patong attracts the same tribe of people who flock to Benidorm, Marmarais and Blackpool. To borrow a phrase from someone else 'the first thing they look for is an English breakfast, then a pint of Guinness and a roast dinner; the only thing they accept which is different is the sun.' The upshot is that the Thais give the masses what they want! The result is a beautiful bay with masses and masses of gaudy overdevelopment and neon lighting. But even worse is the hardening of the Thai people out there. Seemingly everyone wants something from you and will physically block your way it try to drag you into their premises. But just when you're feeling mega negative about a place, you stubble down a side street and find a lovely street food market which restores hope! Anyway as the storm closed in the air was so humid I decided I couldn't walk round it anymore so opted to take in some Thai culture by watching Thor at the multiplex in the shopping centre! It was good, Loki was excellent! Then whiz zed back to my nice beach on the moped, even overtaking! I looked mega cool!

[ponderer8]

Bangkok traffic

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Banks, Bird's Nest and Bosh

Written entry number 2 for you, covering the second half of my time in Bangkok and my arrival in Phuket. My time in Bangkok got off to a disastrous start, though I only realised a few days in. I was brought up with the "6P" mantra drilled into me by the old boy (perfect preparation prevents piss poor performance), but in an act of midlife rebellion I decided not to prepare for my trip and failed to order any currency in advance. So on arrival at Bangkok's Airport I fed my card into the machine and took out a satisfying Harry Enfield style wodge of Baht! However in my eagerness to wave my wad at fellow travellers I omitted to take my card back. Apparently in Thailand money comes out first, then card! ! I didn't realise until 3 days later when I was taking my friend out for dinner and popped to a cash point. Thankfully Auralie paid for dinner and also gave me some spending money to see me through to when my card arrives from Natwest. After my initial couple of days in Bangkok it was becoming clear I was a creature of habit. I'd do some walking during the day, hopping on and off the Skytrain to explore different areas of the city, but would always endeavour to dine at Hai on Soi Convent for lunch, and return again for my evening meal. This struck me as a bad thing, though I loved the food, there were a myriad of other places and dishes to eat. So I decided to go to town on street food! At about 50p a dish it's cheap enough to try everything! With my new agenda in mind I headed to Chinatown, despite Auralie warning me against it! Lonely Planet said it was 'an amazing bustling market place with great street food' ; having been there Rich Jones says 'it's a massive godforsaken maze of tat and rubbish from which escape is near impossible'. Imagine Tesco's on Christmas Eve except covering six city blocks and with narrower aisles which have people on mopeds riding down them! I decided after 20 mins it wasn't for me, but couldn't find my way out! On my way round I did have some food: birds nest soup (not for me), pomegranate juice (tres bien) and some bugs with honey on them (just ate them out of bravado in front of two beautiful Spanish ladies, who did not swoon at my bravery much to my disappointment) About two hours later I was pleased to hit a main road and escape the maze. After consulting the map it seemed I needed to cross the road, traffic was heavy but The Jones fears nothing. It was a one way street, so when traffic came to a stop I set off to weave my way across. As I stepped from behind a truck I heard the squeal of brakes, and turned to see a moped heading towards me. With no time to go back, instinct honed through years of catching rugby kick offs took over: feet were planted wide and shoulder dropped.......... And BOOOOM! A Thai teenager was knocked clean off his moped! I've still got some bosh. I picked him and his bike up, both OK. Though a taxi driver whose car the moped scratched was shouting, I made a swift exit! In my defence he was riding the wrong way up the street! I decided to get out of Bangkok and headed for Phuket. It wasn't my favourite place when Jess and I came last summer, but the flight down was cheaper than other destinations and it's still beautiful! So I'm here on Kamala beach for a week before returning to Bangkok, collect my cards and then head to Vietnam. Life here is good, I wake around 8.30 and stroll to Kokosnuss Restaurant for pumpernickel and ham for breakfast which I attempt to order in German or Thai depending on whether owner or wife serves me! Then I head to the beach and work on my tan and reading! 2 hours at a time is all I can stand so then head back to my room and watch an episode of Breaking Bad ( complete box set £3 from stall in Patpong night market) before heading back. Hired a moped for tomorrow and am going to check out some other beaches.

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Life's good! (at Kamala beach)

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Oh dear! Alright for Hitler......

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The Skytrain. Chariot of the Gods!

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Papaya Salad at Hai on Soi Convent

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Rule abider!

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Planes, Trains and ......One Ball Massage

Well after 10 days in the searing desert heat of Dubai, I boarded the plane for Bangkok. Landing in the Thai capital filled me with excitement as it’s a city whose bustle I have grown to love on previous visits. To add to my excitement the Skytrian rail link to the airport had been opened (those of you who are unaware of my love of the Skytrain need to know it is second in my affections only to my love of Dyson Airblade handdryers!) So I headed straight through customs and hopped onto a lovely air conditioned carriage to the city centre; therefore avoiding the usual difficulties of explaining to a Thai taxi driver where you want to go and sitting in Bangkok gridlocked traffic for two hours. Just three quarters of an hour after I stepped off the plane, I stepped into my home for the next few nights, The Smile Society hostel. It's nice and at a fiver a night, cheap! Though I do miss the five star luxury i enjoyed on my previous visits!

My hostel is just next to Bangkok’s original den of inequity, Patpong. I arrived at about 9pm and, after dining on some delicious Papaya Salad and noodle soup on Soi Convent, decided to take a walk around the neighbourhood. Well I must have the face of somebody who would appreciate viewing a ‘ping pong’ show as every Thai man or woman on the street seemed convinced that I would be an excellent fit for their establishment. After being harassed by one particularly vociferous ‘lady of indiscriminate gender’ I took refuge in the music of Van Morrison, as the words of Brown Eyed Girl drew me towards an Irish bar which offered sanctuary in the form of air conditioning and a strict ‘no bar girls’ policy. Once inside all was not as it seemed; England were playing Ireland at rugby union on the big screen ‘live’ except the game was from 2003. But more importantly; where Van should have been singing there was a wild haired Russian with a limited grasp of the words belting out karaoke.

The place provided an oasis of calm from the madness outside and I settled in with a cold beer and got chatting to some other Brits in there; also hiding from the predators outside! Pretty uneventful first night; the walk back was fine but the Thais on the street seemed less convinced I was a ping pong show kind of guy, now figuring me for a man who would like to purchase some knuckle dusters or ninja throwing stars………..

Thursday saw me up early, and off to the Vietnamese embassy to get my visa sorted for when I travel there. Well, the Thai people are warm and welcoming by and large; the Vietnamese consular staff were without exception complete miserable bastards! I hope this is not a portent of things to come!

On my way back to the hostel, I decided to get my hair cut; so I popped into the salon across the road from my frugal lodgings. The lady on reception shouted to someone in the back and then out came a flamboyant ladyboy to cut my hair; stuff like that never happens in Hull! She told me I would look fabulous with some copper highlights, so………… I informed her I’m a man, and the only thing more heinous than highlights on a man is a ponytail (What’s at the end of every ponytail? An arsehole!)

After the relative success of my haircut; I thought a massage might be nice, I obviously forgot what area of the city i was in until I saw the sign outside…….

800baht for just one testicle? Ludicrous! So I decided to save massages until I am in the reputable areas!

In the evening, I met up with Auralie, a friend from uni who lives out here and helped paint decorations for her dance groups Halloween Party on Saturday! I know how to have a good time!

You’ll have to look above for pics as having difficulties integrating them on my iPhone.

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The fountains at Dubai Mall

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Pre Cricket Selfie! it's come out upside down, which would have been a nice touch if in Oz, but I'm not.

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Malls, Penguins, Dates and Dancing Fountains

I've been here a week now and my darling brother has ensured I have packed lots in! Everything is new here; buildings seem to fly up at an unbelievable rate; I swear one skyscraper in the Marina area we've been driving past has gone up two floors in height during my time.

Some of the most amazing buildings are the malls; obviously the residents of the UAE love to shop, think Meadowhall yet four times as big and you're almost there.

We went for spot of food at the Apres ski cafe at the Mall of Emirates; overlooking the huge snowdome; think Xscape times four (as a rule everything here is four times as big and covered in fancy tiles and with a massive parking garage!). The snowdome even has its own penguins who perform for the crowds of shoppers in the mall. I was a little disconcerted by this until Phil, a fountain of all knowledge regarding Dubai, informed me that penguins have resided here in the Mall of Emiratessince the time of the dinosaurs and have always been well known for diving through hula hoops. I didn't have the heart to point out that the mall was only built in 2001.

  Wednesday night saw us visit the Dubai Mall at the bottom of the Burj Khalifa, the world's tallest building and eat with Phil's father in law who took us to an amazing restaurant where we could see the spectacular fountain show and the building itself. The real revelation of the evening came after the meal when Phil's father n law took us to Bateel where he ordered us dates (as in fruit, mum.Stop worrying.....). Well I am a man who bows to nobody in my Christmas enjoyment of those sticky things in the 'Eat Me' box; so was excited anyway. These dates however were on a whole different level; if you ever get chance try chilled Kholas, don't hesitate!

On Thursday, in order to give our kid some respite, I took myself to the Pakistan v South Africa Test Match at the Dubai Cricket Stadium. A wonderful stadium where I and about 100 others took advantage of the free entry to watch Smith and De Villiers smash some woeful Pakistani bowling round the park. The crowd was sparse and very well behaved; not at all like the Western Concourse at Headingley; I tried to get a beer snake going but was hampered by there being no beer and no glasses!