hello. my digital diary @ponderingfloorgirl - Tumblr Blog

I reject the thought of intimacy with the wrong person which causes a lack of romantic connection in my life which causes me to crave intimacy that I have yet to experience which is the result of my own doing because I chose to put this wall up in the first place so I cannot complain about the loneliness since I was the one who welcomed it in with open arms

#intimacy #love #islovereal

FUCK LOOKING GOOD JUST BE HAPPY

My birthday has always been a sensitive topic for me. No it doesn’t have anything to do with ageing (although scary, I would consider it a different problem) but moreso an insight on how many of your dear friends value you; a test of friendship.

My birthday feels like posting on Instagram and waiting to see how many comments you get because you turned off your likes. It’s the anxiety of finding out who really cares enough about you to remember that this was the day you were born.

My birthday is a 24 hour timeframe where once the clock strikes twelve you check your phone to see if anyone messaged you or wait to see if your family will come into your room and wish you happy birthday. And then turn your phone off because you got no messages and it’s ten past twelve so you’d rather pretend that you don’t care about birthday messages and ignore that heavy feeling in your chest.

But then you get a text. And the world seems a brighter place. And then heaviness subsides - but not forever, only for the next 15 minutes or so until you realize only one of your many friends wished you happy birthday.

As the friend who wants people to feel as valued as I value them, I write birthdays down in my calendar and set reminders so I can send that message to them and celebrate even just for a moment of the day that they were brought into the world how many years ago. It is strange, valuing birthdays so much for people who dont seem to put the same value towards them. Well, maybe they do, just not for you.

I have tried to detach from this idea of how birthday texts = my perceived worth depending on how many of my friends wish me a good day and maybe even get me a little gift, but it is quite hard after being celebrated once and feeling loved and appreciated, to just, pretend like nothing ever happened and that those moments were just a blip in time. The tears I shed out of love were not for nothing. It was meaningful. Birthdays are meaningful.

I think it hurts even more when you are in group chats that have wished everyone else happy birthday as soon as they could, but when it comes to you they leave it until the very last minute.

Perhaps I just struggle with self-worth and wish that everyone automatically loved me as much as I loved them (yet instead I deal with the constant feeling that they do not care as much as I do, that I am the one who loves harder and they just think I’m nice but not anything special) but I don’t think I will stop loving. It is in my human nature.

As Ethan hawke once said, “The sun doesn’t care whether the grass appreciates its rays, it just keeps on shining,” so, yes, I will keep on shining.

#birthday #thoughts

Oh how sentimental it is when you return to your grandmas house and realize life could be oh so simple

#grandmas house #china

True eroticism and sexiness is crying while making love and the delicacy of skin to skin contact

#love #facts #eroticism of the machine

Digital girl digital wrld

#digital moodboard

terrorignitis

Juansen Dizon, i am the architect of my own destruction

zegalba

Glass Sculpture By Hennie Elzinga.

Oh, but what is love if not constant thinking of another - the desire to be with them when you close your eyes. When the sky turns to night and all one should see is darkness, yet their face appears in front of you. Although only brief encounters, you play them over and over, hoping that they are doing the same - holding these small moments dear to them, smiling at just the thought of such interactions.

I do not wish to feel like this as it occupies my mind so much that I find it difficult to not wonder what it would be like to be with them - it is senseless to think such things, especially since there is not enough evidence to back such feelings. Nonetheless the feeling still stands. The constant thinking. The wondering how their day was. The scanning of the room to see if they are present. The slight nervousness felt before going to a place they could possibly be at.

Alas, this is feeling not real, and I am detached from reality. It is a made-up thing in my head; I must assume they do not think of me as such because they have never proven so. How does one survive off of just the potential longing one could have for another?

This may not be a perfect romance novel where two lovers meet and can never be separated, but there is hope. Hope for a mutuality in feelings, and prayers of appearing in each others dreams.

#poems and poetry #love

lamignonette

#it will be okay #affirmations

I truly do crave something deeper than life, something to love more than my own selfishness, something that will shake the bounds of existence and create whirlpools of emotion running through my bloodstream; a love of such that pains me to think about - not because it hurts but because it means so much more than what it can be described as; no words or thoughts or complicated diagrams can translate the essence of the feeling, as it is so deeply embedded into my self that it is like a magician pulling a handkerchief from their mouth: endless and forever flowing, little by little, pull by pull.

#thoughts #thinking #life #poetry