On Non-Normative Kinship and Desire @ponderingsonlove - Tumblr Blog

Heart Broke

My mistake was staying after they broke my heart, because you only get one chance to break my heart. I should have gone far from them at that moment, yet I was naive, I was young, I was innocent. They acted clueless, like I was the bad one for enforcing my boundaries, yet at the end I enforced my boundaries. At the end I realized I wasn't really loved, I wasn't valued, I wasn't held in consideration and that means they will never have my heart again, they will never have access to my heart ever again, they will not have access to my presence, their decisions have made it so that I must protect myself from them, by staying away, and away I will stay.

#heartbreak #heartbroken

Life has been kinda crazy

So life has been kinda crazy, I had a a partner for the first time and now I have an ex-partner and an ex-friend. Ex-friend immature and a week within meeting my ex partner was like I want to marry you, and I was like I'm poly but I don't vibe with this. He decided to keep at it and I blocked him. Ex partner then is upset at me for blocking him and acts like it is the worst thing in the world, asks me to unblock him and like the fool I was I unblock him. Ex-partner is mad I don't want to be in community with this person who crossed my boundaries, they basically wanted me to ignore my boundaries so everyone could be happy, but that would have resulted in my unhappiness. Ex-partner deprioritized me to the maximum extent and broke my heart, and no ex partner and ex friend are partners. Good riddance to both of them, I deserved better. They both may have been unhinged and goofy, but ex partner taught me how much I can love, yet they set the bar so low for all the ways in which I don't want to be love. Life is better now though. That was one of the hardest things I have experienced, but no more. Now I read more about polyamory and live my life, and love uninhibitedly knowing I don't deserve whatever that BS was

#nonmonogamy #polyamory #polyamourous

To an Old Attraction

I still interact with her from time to time, my feelings are not the same, yet she holds a soft space in my heart. In the moment it occurred, there was intensity because she is sweet, because she is kind. I told her of my feelings and she did not feel the same way, and i was younger and didn't know myself as much. I know I am less traditional, I know the romantic is an interesting notion to me, I know I love to communicate how I feel for people. She still has my care, the other day I heard she stayed up until a later hour and I was sad. I did not engage because that is not the way things are, but I hoped she way okay and doing well. I don't see her much these days, maybe she is busier, I hope things are okay I keep repeating to myself. She is someone who deserves good things, as she is kind, and she is also laughs at my jokes, and I love anyone who finds me funny when I am not trying to be funny. I believe anyone who I have ever experienced an intensity of attraction towards will always hold a super soft place in my heart, where there will always be care, and affection even if distance is required. I say this having experienced an intensity of attraction for two individuals in my life, and I am the better for it. So yes, I worry about her and hope she is doing good. I don't desire to exist in relationship with her, yet I desire for her wellbeing, I desire for her joy, and I desire for her happiness.

#unrequited affection #unrequited feelings #unsent letters

letsbelonelytogetherr

— josé olivarez // natalie diaz

ponderingsonlove

I remember posting this when things were more uncertain, and my beloved didn't know of my feelings for them and I didn't know of theirs. I was scared the intensity of my love would be too much, I was scared I would be too much and scare them away. I cried tears at the notion, the notion of the chance that we might not exist in relationship with each other, at the fear of being too much, at the fear of not being able to show them my love for them. Yet when the time came, and I laid myself bare and told them of how I feel, I told them of my desires, and they told me of theirs, and they were not scared of my intensity, they were not scared of how I love, my words did not cause them to run away, they stayed and they witnessed and it was beautiful, and it is beautiful, and it will be beautiful. My love embraced me and I embraced my love, and we talk about how the intensity might change, but my love is the most adorable, my love makes me so happy, I look at my love and I am beaming with happiness because they are divine, they are divinity, they are beautiful, they are sacred, they are an embodiment of something unnamable. It is my duty to show them love, and show them love to the maximum extent, to let them know how loved they are, so there will not be a moment they do not feel loved by me. Love is something that will never be taken away, it is something that will always be. We are unique, we are sacred, we are our own thing and that is beautiful. My lover is intense, and I am intense, and our love is an intense thing. We say I love you so many times and it is not enough, every sentence is an admission of love, every sentence is an admission of care, every sentence is an admission of fondness that I cannot help but to express. Sometimes I feel the spoken word fails me when I bid them farewell, and then I write and I show them what I write, and I write to them how I feel, and write to them what I think, and they know, and they will always know, and this embodiment will grow, this sacred embodiment of our relationship, of our love, and it will be great.

#partnership #long distance love #lovers #relational

thoughtkick

“When I try to describe you, I never can. Not because I run out of things to say, but because I can’t say enough.”

— Unknown

ponderingsonlove

This is how it is when I tell people of my beloved, there is never enough things to say about them, or to them. I look at them, and think to myself what a wonderful human, I love you to the very depths and even that is not enough. I love words yet I realize how limited they are to express what I feel in this moment, and they will always be. I hope they can look at me, they can feel my presence, and just know how it is that i feel, to know of my love for them, my care for them, my adoration for them. When I am not with them, I think of them and I am wrapped in the warmth of what it is like to exist alongside them. We are far apart, but very soon we will be together, very soon we shall walk hand in hand, very soon I will kiss them on the cheek and look them in the eyes, and intertwine my fingers with theirs. Very soon we will be laughing hysterically at a late hour to things that are nonsensical to everyone else, but in that moment it makes complete sense to us. I cannot say about my beloved, so I will keep saying things to the world, and I will keep saying things to them.

#long distance love #longing #lovers #sappy #sappy post

My Love is Far

My love is far from me, and one of my goals is to be close to my love, to be near to my love, and not have this great expanse of distance separate us. I long to walk next to them my fingers intertwined with theirs swinging our arms from side to side. I long to once again go out to dinner with my love, sitting next to them enjoying the meal we are having. I long to hold my love in my arms, and in that moment all time stands still and it is just us. I long to lay next to my love once again and talk about random things in the wee hours of the night. I think of these things and sigh, a sigh because these goals are so close yet it feels so far, they are things I am working to make a reality because my love and I belong by each other's sides.

I long to read them things as they sit next to me once again, or lay next to me, their beautiful brown eyes gazing at me. To read them the poetry I love so as they listen intently. I want to do life with them and not from a distance, but up close, in spatial proximity, and when that happens, it will be glorious. I long to reunite with my lover, and I will one day reunite with them. I am not built for long distance relationships, and I will make this one a short distance relationship. I long to pour into relationality, and have them pour into it, and to be changed by love, to be changed by intimacy, to be changed through the leaning in of something that is greater than the sum of it's parts, it is indeed something beautiful, and it will continue to be, and be and be.

Breathe in, soon, breathe out, love.

#lovers #love #long distance love #long distance relationship #yearning

angeldevil11

nixscriptum

ponderingsonlove

No I will not love in small and quiet though there comes a time for a small and quiet love, they shall know of my love in all of its depths, in all of its fullness and never will they feel unloved by me. There is no need for repentance, this love is wonderful, this love feels good, this love is intense, and it is not tame or quiet but all consuming and life giving.

#love quotes #love #lovers #musings

The Meet

I met a human in this city, it was random. I saw them standing and I said hi. I felt the need to say hi, though I was feeling quite social at this event. As soon as they said hi back, something within me, something within my bones told me, not literally, but sort of a consequentiality or firm conviction, that this was a human I must follow up with, that this moment was significant. I liked their voice, but it wasn't just their voice, it was their energy and it made me go woahh within myself, it felt charged in a way that moments of significance are charged. It was as if my ancestors consulted with each other and led me to this exact moment. I was infused with a social intentionality that would usually escape me. They felt familiar in a way people don't feel, and it made me so interested in figuring out why, figuring out why there was a magnetism that I don't tend to experience generally, though I have experienced it for all my good friends.

I asked this human a question, and then they were on the other side of the room looking at shirts. I wandered around with them and I asked them if they were going to an event, and they said yes, but that was all. I followed them wondering what they were looking at. We were back on the other side of the room, and I asked them if they were going with anyone, they said no. I asked them if they would go with me and they said yes. They then asked, how will I know where to meet you, and we exchanged contact information, and I was truly delighted. We would meet up on Saturday, and I was quite excited, I wondered how they would be, what it would feel like, would we become friends! Leaving the event, I saw them walking home in the distance and I wanted to go up to them and walk with them wherever they were going. I didn't because they were too far, but this would be foreshadowing.

I don't think I have had a moment of my life that has felt this way. I would later come to understand that my meeting with this human was meant to be, and while the knowing and presence aspect are temporal due to the nature of my stay here, my life would be changed forever. I will be writing more about this human and the other humans I have been graced with meeting in this wonderful city.

#ancestors #synchronicity #intensity #queer

lelif

On hope

night walk, franz wright// hope in the dark, rebecca solnit// ? // ? // just give me a reason, pink// shake it off, taylor swift// @ hiddengemm_ on x // @mounaks // to be made whole, ada limon// @garcavisconde // jane massey// orange juice, noah kahan// why why why, shawn mendes// ?// august, taylor swift

hopelessvalentines

“Everything is more beautiful because we are doomed.”

lelif

On Love and Community

@princes-heels // ? // @inkskinned // mitski, my love mine all mine//@littlespoonsokka // @boymiffy // @2aminhouston // ? // @theviralwitch // @noodle // @criterioncollectiongirl // @fatsoupy // ? // @mjalti // george saunders, congratulations, by the way// @jb-blunk // @ponchopeligroso // @headspace-hotel // everything, everywhere, all at once(2022) //@cheruib // ? // ? // @tordenvejr

fromdarzaitoleeza

{Words by José Olivarez from Citizen Illegal /@fatimaamerbilal , from even flesh eaters don't want me.}

lucidloving

Girlpool—Before the World Was Big // memorial bench quoting Toni Morrison's Sula // @inanotherunivrse // Iain S. Thomas, I Wrote This For You // Zadie Smith, Swing Time // Fall Out Boy—The Kids Aren't Alright // Audrey Emmett // Mikko Harvey, "For M" // Mahmoud Darwish, Memory for Forgetfulness: August, Beirut, 1982 (tr. Ibrahim Muhawi) // Langston Hughes, "Poem"