diary-x 050125 | 11:00 pm
on friendships & inconvenience;
Now and then, I think about all the times I convinced myself all the wrong people were the right ones just because I didnât want to be alone.
I consider history in my relationships, but it seems a lot of people don't. It's always been a tough pill for me to swallow. I know that history isn't an excuse to keep people around who mistreat you. I also know that life isn't so black and white. Though there may be things unspoken, resentment, or miscommunication, I know that most people stay past an expiration date because they care enough to want things to work out. You can love people who aren't healthy for you, but it doesn't mean you should.
I've been thrown away like garbage. I've thrown others away in the same regard. I'm not blameless. Who is? We're all responsible for the parts we play in our relationships. Me now? I don't think people are disposable. Or interchangeable. If that's the way you view people I feel sorry for you. At this stage in life, I know that when I need to remove myself from a situation, I have longstanding and good reason to. However, I have a hard time allowing others the same courtesy.
Sometimes, I think I'm bitter. Because if we were to quantify it, the ways I've been mistreated by certain people have been much worse than my worst moments. I've often felt imbalance in past friendships, and for the longest time I blamed myself. I somehow always wound up feeling like I gave too much and became resentful by the end. This isn't applicable to current friends, thankfully, because my current friendships either began on a solid foundation (where I never felt like they had anything to gain besides being my pal) or were made in adulthood as I began implementing healthier interpersonal skills. Or both. Over the years, concern from outside perspectives alongside years of building self trust, signaled to me that many people in my life wanted a best friend, but refused the inconvenience of being one.
Most people have some form of trauma, whether it's linked to family, friendships, or intimate partners. I'm not discrediting anyone's lived experience or agency to remove themselves from unsafe situations. But when you get to know people. And I mean, really, get to know them and see how nonchalant they are with their relationships, or habits, it's a painful experience. When the laziness, or defensiveness rear their ugly heads, it's hard not to notice. Are they leaving because it's what's best for both of us? Or are they leaving because it's the easy way out, because maybe we're too needy or asking for far too much (you're probably not)
It makes you wonder about how they've always felt about you. It makes you question everything. Off-hand comments, birthday cards, or any message they've ever sent about how *grateful* they are for you. Does gratitude entail abandoning people you care about in difficult moments? Knowing Iâve sat with you through your familial troubles, anxiety about college, fear of being perceived, body image issues... any of it? I've since learned: don't cross oceans for people who wouldn't cross a puddle for youâ let alone give you any room on the sidewalk, when walking in a group. I'm saying all of this as someone who's taken a flight and driven miles and miles for someone who couldn't bother to driving a couple to see me while we were still living in the same goddamn town. But lo and behold, a hot new bombshell enters the villa and suddenly they're Lightning *fucking* McQueen! The forgiveness comes and goes. The introspection helps. I'm working on it. I'll get there.
And yea, maybe I should've spoken up or asked for more reciprocity. Was I also not a child? Desperately wanting love and acknowledgement. Why is the onus never on those taking advantage to be a little more introspective and hold themselves partially responsible for these dynamics? I was willing to drive myself broke to win people over, to gain their trust and approval because I believed that when you loved someone, the little inconveniences along the way didn't fucking matter.
The kicker is, I never needed the approval. You'll never be enough for people who operate in lack, because all they will do is WANT. They're not enough for themselves, and you will never be for them. Your efforts are better spent mending yourself and building stronger relationships.
Giving away pieces of yourself won't make them stay.
I've driven countless people to the airport who wouldn't even consider ubering me there. Spent years lending an ear to their miseries over breakups, families, etc. only for them to never change a damn thing or better yet, intentionally seek out cycles of self-harm. Sometimes it feels like a constant battle between *no love was wasted* and *why couldnât they have offered me the same space?* I've been patient, and understanding beyond human capacity (even in moments I didn't think I was), but yet somehow still met with accusations of selfishness and entitlement. Lectures and put-downs. The narratives people run with to cope with their mistreatment of others... now I get why people become so bitter and jaded. Luckily that ainât me..
It's hard to raise issues with people you love and have known for so long. It's anxiety inducing to think about their reaction or our shifting dynamics. Especially when the reality of their reaction ends up being much worse than you ever anticipated. It shouldn't be difficult to bring things up with people you love, which is why I always try my best to listen and not react. When someone deflects and makes it about the way I reacted instead of the impact their actions, I know there's no conversation that can salvage the fractures
Saying youâre sorry but then immediately pointing out things the other person did is just another form of deflection. Bringing up fairness when addressing an already delicate situation is just another disguised tactic to shift blame and accountability onto the harmed.
So thank you to the people who've clued me into their true feelings. So much is said in patronization. So much is said in the unsaid. For a lot of people, the cruelty is the point. Maybe it's a getback for all of their own resentments and the things they've held back. I've had so much bullshit projected onto me by people who think I'm just going to take it. I've given the benefit of the doubt. I've bent over backwards. Contorted myself in ways no human being should ever have to. But still, I don't regret it. Because I've still grown and I'm somehow still me. The little, misunderstood chubby queer kid who just wanted friends, and for people to share, and be fucking honest with each other.
ââșââ + ââșâ â âïž
Set firm boundaries, set them early, but make sure they aren't walls. Choose your friends, and where your energy goes, wisely â„ïž
