happy endings ( 2011-2013 ) sentence starters
↪ taken from various episodes. alter as you see fit.
“if mary tyler moore married and then divorced steven tyler, then married and divorced michael moore, then got into a three way lesbian marriage with demi moore and mandy moore, would she go by the name mary tyler moore tyler moore moore moore?”
“you’re like kathy bates but fatter!“
“she has to read my energy in person. don’t you know how science works?”
“i’ve got to get my life together.”
“when you say it out loud like that it just really sinks in, like when i found out gossip girl was a guy.”
“[name], you’re acting extra nuts, and i’m not talking about ‘mistaking the teaspoon with tablespoon’ kinda nuts. i’m talking about ‘mel gibson downing a 5 hour energy and showing up at a bar kitzvah’ kinda nuts.”
"nobody solves things through tennis matches anymore bro; it’s not the 80s.”
"i wouldn’t say we spend that much time together, i mean just breakfast 4 or 5 times a week before work.”
"you are great together. jay and bey great.”
“tampa is not a place you go; it’s a place you end up.”
"well, as the author of several dozen cries for help, i know a good one when i hear one.”
"i don’t have to be in charge, even though it’s better when i am.”
“excuse me, i don’t normally do this. but you have the hair of a greek shipping magnate’s worthless son.”
"i got dumped by a girl in high school, licked my wounds, got way into anime and moved on.”
"she’s not even instagramming anymore. she hasn’t posted a picture of an appetizer all week.”
"hey forgetti and meatballs! jason bourne called and said he remembers more stuff than you.”
"could you bring me a dress that’s a little more affordable like maybe one from last season or one that somebody died in?”
"you need a dirtbag and luckily enough for you my middle name is herbert and i’m a dirtbag.”
"you look like an assistant manager at a jacksonville multiplex.”
"i mean, you practically begged me to do it by begging me not to do it. in fact sir, i would like an apology. i am hurt. i am deeply hurt that you do not know me well enough to know that i would screw this up for you.”
"you lightly bite one security guard and they act like you’re a criminal!”
“i can’t believe anyone voluntarily decided to marry [name]. i mean, she’s a disaster of a human woman, am i right?”
“[name] you son of a bitch, you’re as innocent as you are stunning.”
“we’re not even. and when it comes, my revenge will be served like the tennis serve of a seventh grade girl. slow, out of bounds, and i will pull balls out of my skirt.”
"i’m rich! i’m no longer the poor one! i’m not sharing this with any of you. you’re all dead to me.”
"imagine a world where your friends don’t exist … who would we hang out with?”
"it’s going to be an awesome night!”
“[name], you do not have disposable income when you owe us $11,000 and three cats.”
"the only orlando i like starts with tony or ends with bloom.”
"usually rebranding doesn’t work. look at kfc. i’m sorry guys but you will always been kitchen fresh chicken to me.”
“that’s right, i’m straight now. from this moment forward, it’s gonna be a steady diet of boobs and dudes, dammit. i am not longer interested in men, i am only interested in mankind. from this moment forward it will be a steady diet will be chicks with d…ammit. i love guys. my favorite thing to touch is va-penis.”
“honestly i haven’t been too into music since smashmouth left the game.”
"when did we all turn against mayer?”
“hat would kerry washington do in scandal? demand to see the president and then almost make out with him.”
"wow, that’s what 275 pounds of lonely looks like.”
"i once saw you put sunscreen on a grape because you didn’t want it to become a raisin.”
"easy breezy vibe? i thought you had more of a dead of winter, girl with the dragon tattoo, skarsgaard murderhouse vibe.”
“i was wrong about coldplay though, they’re still huge.”
“sShe’s like crazy stupid love crazy, not like people who loved crazy stupid love crazy, i mean she’s not a psycho.”
"i think it’s amazing, i want no part of it.”
"he could be your soul mate, your kindred spirit, your one tree hill.”
"a fist bump is a sacred contract between the fists of men.”
"we were still reeling from the events surrounding the film vanilla sky.”
"i need some hand sani for my face.”
"you look like the olsen twins’ brother larry kate olsen.”
"man, i love the workplace. fluorescent lighting, stale coffee, and the sweet sound of men quoting classic comedies.”
"it’s like a slinky with breasts.”
"my prom date was one of those murderball champions.”
"the guys wanted me, and the girls wanted to be me.”
"i’m ellen. i feel like if i’m gonna be a lesbian i might as well go straight to the top!”
“[name], why are you dressed like josh brolin from the goonies?”
“the pinot and the pants are flowing, the brie is a-baking, it’s time to stop waiting and start exhaling.”
“my skin is so dry it has a british accent.”
"i love to hear the sound of bones crunching.”
"the doctor said you’re lucky you’re still alive.”
"every choice you make in your life about everything is monumentally wrong.”
"you’ve been cooped up here way too long. you’re starting to ‘rear window’ and make stuff up.”
“[name], what was so important that you had to call me over here? i was right in the middle of doing nothing.”
"i can’t believe [name] is a better person than you.”
"i wouldn’t turn my nose up to dating a mugger, they’re entrepreneurs.”
"i’d rather be surprised by a disappointment than happy with what i expected. it’s why i never ask if a pool is heated.”
"give me that knife and like me more!”
"tv really is nature’s babysitter.”
"only you would spend hundreds of dollars to get a free 99 cent food item.”
“you’re sweating on my bruschetta.”