I am a devout Christian, and I am bisexual. I have been told these two identities cannot coexist, but how can I reject a part of myself that feels so fundamentally, authentically me? Will I ever be free? Will I ever be able to stop choosing between the people I love and the God I serve?
Guilt consumes my every waking second; it even follows me into my dreams, offering no reprieve. In class, I feel a sickening dread when my friends voice their opinions: that people like me are mentally ill, demon-possessed, "choosing" to be gay or are just straight up evil. One of my friends even says that if she found out someone she knew was gay she’d kill them.
I’ve come to realize that parental love is not always unconditional. I love my mother deeply—I am forever in her debt for the sacrifices she has made for me. But I know her love has a limit. She would sooner see me as a teen mother than as a homosexual. If I ever came out, I know she would disown me instantly. My greatest fear is her finding the truth.
Sometimes I think I’m "lucky" that I still feel attraction to men—maybe I can just pretend for the rest of my life. But the thought is sobering. My worst fear is falling in love with a woman, because then the choice becomes impossible: my religion and family, or my heart.
None of my friends know the truth, and I’m already planning my escape. I am seriously considering ghosting everyone when I head to university, just so I can a little more free than I am here. I never wanted this. My life would be so much easier if I were straight. I’ve tried to "pray the gay away," even though I know that isn't how it works. It is a cruel irony that my mother hates bisexuals even more than lesbians, she says we "must just pick one."
I am ashamed to say that to survive, I’ve had to pretend to be homophobic. I’ve said things that make me feel like a hypocrite and a coward, the worst kind of human. But where I live, homophobia isn't just the norm; it's an expectation. Anything less than hatred is seen as a confession.
I wish I were straight. I wish I didn't have to choose.
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