porridge for breakfast

[porridgetales]

Balans, Old Brompton Road

A return to Balans, and another porridge, of which I can remember nothing. It was nice.

On leaving, we went to unlock bikes and noticed that there had been a bike/vehicle incident.

I guess moral of the story is not to leave your bike locked up well away from traffic, like on a pavement at a bike stand, because how are the poor drivers meant to know not to drive there and over your wheel?

Goldilocks factor: Three

Porridge price: I need to start making a note of these things

Bike locking: I’d say good, as there are bike stands. But obviously not ACTUALLY good, as have you seen what happened to the poor bike?!

[porridgetales]

Patisserie Valerie, Knightsbridge

After being dumped by my horrible boyfriend, going back to Patisserie Valerie seemed like a good idea. I really liked P-V on the last visit, disappointing coffee notwithstanding.

The porridge didn’t disappoint, though I suppose it didn’t reach the heady highs of the first visit. Again I managed to resist the urge to eat lots of cakes and pastries, like the model of restraint that I am.

I may, or may not, have cried so much that I flooded the table.

Clearly the P-V staff wanted to distract me from all the crying so they decided not to bring over the bill and then fanny around for ages not letting me pay and not then being rude to people and all round being RUBBISH. Not impressed, Patisserie Valerie, not impressed. Probably won’t be back, to this branch at least.

Goldilocks factor: None, Goldilocks wouldn’t stand for pisspoor customer service like this

Porridge price: I have no idea

Bike locking: A lamppost around the corner

Number of minutes late: I was late for everything during these dark days, blame the horrible ex

[porridgetales]

Balans, Old Brompton Road

Some research had revealed that there are many many porridge options scattered throughout London, if only one looks hard enough. And so we ventured to Balans on Old Brompton Road.

The porridge had a homemade feel to it, and came with no toppings at all, but instead a pot of honey to pour over the top. I tried to write my name with the honey, like the child that I am. A skin formed on the porridge. I don't know whether this is a good thing or a bad thing. I quite enjoyed trying to peel it off. I don't think I should be allowed to eat in public.

Unfortunately for Balans, the most memorable thing about this porridge trip is that before I left the house, I discovered that the cat had decided to arrange his own breakfast...

I suppose it's a testament to Balans that I was able to eat at all after that.

Goldilocks factor: Four

Porridge price: £4.40 - I remembered to check this time!

Bike locking: Bike stands outside, what a treat!

Number of minutes I was late: 25, see severed mouse above...

[porridgetales]

The Breakfast Club, Battersea Rise

Feeling that we had exhausted South Kensington, we decided to branch out and try elsewhere. And where else for breakfast but the Breakfast Club?

The last time I went to the Breakfast Club I had to queue for ages and it was full of hipsters - this time, happily, there was no queue and only a smattering of hipsters, usually accessorising with hipster children. Actually, thinking about the last time I went to the Breakfast Club is interesting as so much has happened since then. Let's just say that last time I started off happy and ended up sad, whereas this time it was the inverse.

This is a new branch of the Breakfast Club and their first south London location. It's very airy and bright, with typically retro decor. There's an outside space at the front that I can't imagine ever being nice, as it's Battersea Rise and there appeared to be rubbish strewn everywhere - clearly bin collection day coincides with fox scavenging day, WHO WOULD HAVE THOUGHT?

Anyway, the porridge was nice. My more knowledgeable porridge companion informs me of suspicions that the porridge was made with water and had cream added afterwards. I don't have a clue about these sorts of things, I'm all about the toppings as if there's one thing I will always have, it'll be a sweet tooth.

Goldilocks factor: Four

Porridge price: No idea. Around £4.50 I think

Bike locking: Chained to a lamp post almost directly outside, this is probably as good as it gets in Battersea

Number of minutes I was late: 25 due to impending mental and physical breakdown

[porridgetales]

Patisserie Valerie, Knightsbridge

For some time now I have been refusing to go to Patisserie Valerie as I’ve never been able to go in and eat fewer than two pastries. Yeah I know. BIG FAT PIG. But mmm delicious flaky pastry and tasty fruit fillings and mmm cheesecake and mmm cake wonderful cake.

As it turns out, P-V does awesome porridge too! This came with raspberries, blackberries, honey roasted almond flakes and honey. Oh my. And the porridge texture was great, it tasted like a lovely warming flapjack. So good. I genuinely could have eaten it all day.

I managed to resist the urge to eat any pastries and washed my porridge down with an ever-so-slightly disappointing coffee, while having a fairly hilarious discussion about dubious employment practices, passive aggression and stalkers. An all-round top breakfast, would do again.

Goldilocks factor: Five

Porridge price: No idea. Again!! With coffee it came to £7

Bike locking: This was the one flaw, there’s nowhere to lock up on Brompton Road. I bitch locked on a side street, but it’s not ideal. I bet if I was trying to park an inappropriately large 4x4 I wouldn’t have had a problem…

Number of minutes I was late: 10, and this is because the cat was sneezing in my face

[porridgetales]

Le Pain Quotidien, Exhibition Road

Next place to try was Le Pain Quotidien, just a couple of doors up from Greenfields. I had porridge with honey and banana, although I’m still not entirely sure how I feel about honey on porridge. I think it’s the honey run-off that I’m not convinced by.

The porridge was nice, and had a homemade feel to it – if by homemade, you mean a little inconsistent, with a weird lumpy bit in the middle. I quite liked the lumpy bit as it proved (or at least seemed to prove) that it wasn’t made by a machine. Aside from the lump, it was fairly uneventful porridge. I wolfed it down but I didn’t finish the bowl thinking “ooh, I’d like more of that”, other than the usual greed taking over.

I have a possibly unwarranted soft spot for LPQ as there is one in St Pancras station that my parents are mad keen on visiting. Pretty much every time they come to London, we go there. So it reminds me of family get-togethers, with coffee in bowls and irregularly sized sugar lumps (some of my favourite things).

Goldilocks factor: Four

Porridge price: about a fiver I think? I should start taking note of these things

Bike locking: Across Thurloe Road again

Number of minutes I was late: 15

[porridgetales]

First ever homemade porridge! I went for Scottish oats, water (no milk), allspice and sultanas. At the end I added a spoonful of ikea's finest lingonberry jam. It was hella rad, I felt like I'd really achieved something for cooking breakfast.

I used my housemate's fancy Le Creuset saucepan, with the proviso that if I fucked it up, she'd fuck me up. Seems fair.

Goldilocks factor: Five, of course

Porridge price: free, from out of my cupboard. Obvioulsy there must  have been a cost at some point but I bought the oats for making flapjacks, the sultanas for making something else, and the Ikea jam because I was at Ikea and I get sucked in by all the consumerism.

Bike locking: we have an entire room dedicated to bikes, it's all good.

Number of minutes I was late: about 90. I slept through my alarm thanks to a dream where I'd been called up to the England cricket team and was suddenly a massive sports sensation. I wasn't going to give up on that dream.

[porridgetales]

Greenfields, Exhibition Road

This morning’s offering came courtesy of Greenfields on Exhibition Road. We’d read reviews on the internet and hoped not to be disappointed.

There was only one porridge option: honey, cinnamon and bananas.

It arrived quickly but it was (and I steal these phrases from one who knows more about porridge than I) a bit oatmealy and there was a suspicion that they’d added linseed. Toppings were nice though, especially as it was the first thing I’d eaten since a ride up some hills the night before. But then I have a horrendous sweet tooth so anything covered in honey and banana is a win in my books.

The cafe is pretty handily placed near South Kensington tube station, and I imagine they make a good trade from all the passing tourists. USELESS FACT: I went to this cafe before my last job interview and got the job, clearly it’s got good vibes.

Goldilocks factor: Three

Porridge price: £2.50 takeaway, more for eating in

Bike locking: stands on the island just across Thurloe Road

Number of minutes I was late: 15

[porridgetales]

Pret, Pelham Street

Our first visit was Pret A Manger on Pelham Street.

My first ever porridge! How exciting! I went for the fruit compote topping, and liked it - a little pot of stewed fruit. I didn't mix it into the porridge because I am extremely fussy like this. I was very pleased to find that porridge is like hot flapjacks, and devoured the entire thing. I have nothing to compare this to, so all I can say is BRING IT ON.

Pret... well, you all know Pret. It's a chain. It's alright. We sat outside, facing South Ken station and pointed out bad cyclists wobbling past.

Goldilocks factor: Four

Porridge price: £2 I think? I wasn't paying attention.

Bike locking : stands outside the tube (all full), or you can lock in the middle of the traffic island and spend the entire time worrying that someone will crash into your bike and pringle your wheel

Number of minutes I was late: 25