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saw a very good movie. very frustrating to not be able to talk with him about it

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i miss the way he soothed me.

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i miss him

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remembering when he showed me a short story he wrote and it was pretty good but it had a distinct tonal quality and i told him “this kind of reads like a creepypasta..” and he was like “yeah.” and that’s when i knew he was not. Talented.

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remembering when i confided in him that i was self harming again and he tried to use it as a segue to initiate cyber sex.

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remembering when he told me about all his past FP and when i asked to see pictures it was all slightly sweet nerdy looking curly haired girls with glasses and it was like i was in Get Out i swear to god they all looked exactly like me it was batshit.

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remembering the way he made me suspicious of all of my friends by implying they all wanted to have sex with me when he knew that i was sexually assaulted by a close friend of mine and when i asked him to please stop implying that stuff around me he asked me how i knew i was right to trust my friends and told me that since i was on meds and not mentally well and should probably be more cautious about my perception of things…

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remembering when i woke up on christmas day and went to send him a lil heartfelt ‘thank you for being a good friend’ text and he had already texted me and the general gist of it was that we were eventually going to have sex so why did i keep putting it off and that he didn’t want to rape me but if that’s what it took then that’s what he would have to do. ON CHRISTMAS. CHRISTMAS MORNING. and by the time i’d woken up he’d sent that and got into a fight with his sister and was already confiding in me about the fight and completely brushed past the “i’m going to rape you” threat. …. … z z z

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he’s young.

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birthday boy…

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most people have nothing meaningful to say to me

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my words & his. oof.

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rapidly alternating between im free and im going to kill my whole entire self

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he doesn’t exist and my life is better and freer 🥰

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the i give up makes me mad though. what does that mean.

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i feel so much guilt when i feel bad for myself or my circumstances. i feel like he’s going to be mad at me and i can’t even think it. 😞 i feel bad for him, too, but sometimes he interprets it as pity and gets mad at me. if i don’t feel bad it’s “i won’t just let you paint me as your abuser.”

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looking back and feeling my heart breaking for the girl that i was. i really do feel like i’m coming out of it. i’ve never looked at myself and what i’ve been through and felt anything remotely sympathetic towards myself, just guilt and shame. and i am grateful i went through it with him. he was self aware and tried to let me know everything that was going on. i’m not sure what the timeline is for someone that went through abuse. and i don’t know if being grateful towards him and missing him means that i’m not out of it. i do miss him. i miss loving him. he had so many unique traits i rarely see in other people and i felt my heart swell every time he let me appreciate them. he appreciated me too in a way i l wasn’t used to. but he did not deserve to right now. at the stage he is in. i have to remember that. i’m really hopeful for his growth but i don’t think that i have a place in his future. he deserves to love and be loved. how could he not be?? i’m just mad no one ever taught him how to do either of those things properly.