Untitled

[portland79]

Alone

I've decided no one gets to know the real me. I choose to be alone in my mind. I enjoy the company of many and truly utterly trust not one. I am never alone, yet I'm never honest, so I'm always alone. My thoughts my actions they are mine. I share a little with most, much with a few and all with none. Reality is... Trust is a figment of our imaginations, it is created to be destroyed.

[portland79]

Sometimes I really just hate myself... I question every decision, contemplate all my transgressions... I ponder over choices in my life, those made by others, or me. I have lost the ability to control my own destiny, I have forgotten how to care for myself. I'm too worried about everyone else to c how far I continue to slide... Yet the hands that reach for me belong to no one

[portland79]

Halloween or not ;)

[portland79]

Life is a choice, Death is a decision...

[portland79]

My life revolves, it turns and twists in all different directions. I have to determine who it is I am… I am forced to decide, between the good inside of me and evil bubbling to the surface. I cannot continue this charade, mother, wife, caretaker of all… The irresponsibility of my partner has been revealed, the pure and utter disregard of my needs and my feelings evident in every look I receive.. I see him differently, I can’t look in his eyes with love, only mistrust and disrespect.. I need someone to love me unconditionally, to lust purely for me! I am tired of feeling 2nd in his eyes… His lust is for another as he touches me, holds me, fucks me… How can I live with that, how am I expected to survive with the knowledge that I can never measure up in his eyes???? I want to move forward but all I feel is resignation that this is my future, so shall I too lust after another, teach him the ways of pleasure and lust? Is it ethical,moral? Hell no.. But it’s fun, and I may not resist temptation, I may succumb to my new desires, how will I know what I want? I know what is right, but the true question is do I really even give a fuck?

[portland79]

Angel

There were times when u were the sweetness in my life… Your smile lit me from the inside out…your touch made my mind quiver, my spine shiver… A look, a glance, the smile from the twitch of your mouth… Lord help me, I am overwhelmed

[portland79]

Zero dependency

Today I’ve decided to take back my life…. I am going to make the decisions I feel are necessary in my life, and be damned the person who stands in my way! I am tired of being a marionette on someone else’s string… It needs to be known that I will do the fuck what I want when I want… My future is MY fate, my choices are my consequences, only I can fulfill or deny the path previously chosen for me by the young inexperienced little girl that I was.. So before me is a fork in the road… Do I continue on in this charade as expected or do I stray from the path? Taste the forbidden fruit? Only time will tell….. ;)

[portland79]

Decisions

My stomach is clinched, my head throbbing… I know decisions must be made, consequences to whatever conclusion I decide to be my fate… Where do I go, who do I become, why am I questioning what has always just been “me”? Demands from everyone, must I always be the answer? Did this life overtake me or is it just the life I’ve chosen? Confounded by the uncertainty of my selfishness and selflessness I don’t know how to live in between….

[portland79]

Forgiven

Indecision rips through my soul… He tries so hard but is there enough left even try for? He killed my trust, maimed my love, destroyed my self worth…. Now I just forgive?

[portland79]

As I sit alone I contemplate my life,my decisions, my wants, my dreams. I am surrounded by indecision and restlessness. In my mind confusion abounds. Do I forgive, can I trust again? Do I let someone back into my heart? Will he lie? Does he want another? Will I ever be enough? Is he?

[portland79]

So many questions so few answers... Shall I be good or naughty? Do I want lust or love? If I drop my disguise what lies beneath? What drives me, fantasy or reality? Who can I turn to, the one for a flutter, the one for support, the one for love, or the one who'd lay their life down for me?

[portland79]

Quiet

Closed are my eyes, my heart, my soul. Darkness surrounds my life, engulfs me in its blackness, its emptiness, and slithering it embraces me. My mind can quiet, my soul can take a breath, I am at peace with my inability to fight any longer. As I succumb I feel only relief, from the pain, the rage, the sadness.

[portland79]

Rage

The sadness of the nothingness of our relationship has past. The inner demons are now screaming, clawing their way to the surface. All the secrets, all the anguish, pointless.. In my veins now boils an all consuming rage, a fire so hot that I want to let it overtake me. Yet I am too afraid... Too afraid that it will become the beginning of the end. I suppress my feelings, I lock them away, in this, a time when the most destruction calls my name.. I am alone. No one I trust with all of me. Not one understands, for I will not let them. They all play their role in my life, but I've lost the ability to give unconditional faith, trust, or honesty. Maybe because I think they will all leave me, maybe because I want to leave them.

[animalsnaps]

[portland79]

Little white lines dance in my head, haunting me, teasing my will to suppress any longer… Shall we dance my sweet lovely

[portland79]

Perfection

Rules, regulations, morality, all plague me... Perfection is not an option. My only hope is to survive. Controlling thoughts twist in my head, pulling me, changing me, making me question all I know. Everyone whispers behind their smiles, their scorn obvious as I walk away. Who have I become, is this the only part left of me? Can even I find redeeming qualities in myself? Doubtful.

[portland79]

Control

Words are meaningless, yet they cut you to the core.. Actions are more accurate, but manipulations create false realities. I'm sorry replaces I love you. Control becomes the only binding factor between u. Your mind screams and your body aches... You become a hollow shadow of the you that you remember. This is my reality.