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im fine

Have you ever caught yourself from texting someone or reaching out to someone? You say it’s for their sake. They had such a good day, you shouldn’t be dragging them down with your existential thought of the day. They don’t need to be burdened with my stupid inner voices. And you know that when you mention that you didn’t reach out for their sake, they say that’s silly. That they would always be…

Say Anything

An old friend reached out with an unexpected Happy Birthday Facebook message last year and it sent me down a spiral. Chatting about our lives, our kids, our worries. I’ve been trying to pinpoint why I’ve been excited to talk to someone and I realized I’ve been truly starved of conversation. Conversation of grieving all past lives of ourselves, all the anxiety of the future with our kids, and how…

Merry Holidays

There’s something about the holidays that make me long for someplace I’ve never been. I long for a Home and for a feeling I can’t place a name to. The desire to run away and carve out a life for myself in solitude gets stronger every day. I’ve been having to physically pry myself up from this heavy desire to force myself to live in the present. To enjoy the family, to make memories and be…

The Constant Din

There is a constant din both in my head and in my environment. Whether its the kids or the parents or work colleagues.. there’s always someone needing something, talking about something,.. always someone chatting away in the background. All I want is some silence. Prolonged silence. It’s starting to get heavy again; the exhaustion of keeping up with every day life. The nuances of relationships to…

Let go, revise, and dream

I came to the realization that I used to dream big. I dreamed of cotton candy clouds and ideal world dreams. As I grew up and became more and more saddled with responsibilities and expectations, I dreamed higher. I dreamt of what could-bes. What could be if I didn’t have anyone to care after. What could be if I wasn’t saddled with obligations and expectations. I always went with the flow, always…

Over it

Do you ever get to the point of realizing there’s no hope? You’ve shouted and screamed your piece time and time again. Every few months… Pay attention to me. Talk to me. Listen to me. Love me. What’s the point of it if you have to keep asking for it?

Always so fucking angry

I wane between rage and apathy lately. Utter rage at not being heard, not being cared for, not being thought of. In my 35 years on this earth, I’ve been an advocate for my parents. I’ve been the translator, their sounding board, and their stand-in parent for years. I was the “good” daughter. Until I wasn’t. Made good grades, pushed myself to try to succeed. Avoided my personal feelings, my…

New Year, New Me

Can we change? Anyone else have an intense longing to become someone new, but stuck in the same old rut? Like you’re stuck in the skin you’re trying to shed. Same environment, same people. How do you become a whole new person when the people around you don’t want to change with you?

It's okay to need

My heart has been aching lately. Aching over previous lives lived. Aching over my current life. Aching over my frustrations and heartbreak of meeting my broken soul. Do you think this aching is because I’m fighting the path I’m meant to be taking? Do you think this brokenness I keep finding myself in is because I just haven’t accepted who I’m actually meant to be? The thought of who I want to be…

Just a Little While Longer

I just keep telling myself, “just a little while longer”.Just a little while longer and I’ll be free to do the things I want to do. Do you think that day will ever come? Do you think it’s just empty promises you dangle in front of yourself so you just keep putting one foot in front of another? In the moment of needing to survive, you don’t focus on the nuances of what is real and what isn’t or…

Generational Legacies

How are you supposed to break away from the ingrained notion of internalizing everything? Growing up, we were taught that emotions didn’t do anything. They didn’t get you better grades, they didn’t make you do better in life. They had no purpose. If you did have emotions, it was a you thing. You handled it and figured it out so you could move on with getting to that next level in life. Getting…

Oh, to live..

Who let me slip from the busy chaos of the world to “rest” and sit with myself in my head? Because this is a mess. I knew I wasn’t a perfect person and I had a lot to sort through. I knew I had a lot to unravel and figure out within myself to fill these gaps of childhood memory I’m sure are stashed away in the dark recesses of my mind for my own protection. But why? Why now? Why at the age of 34…

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swiftie

i don’t know what is going on right now or what my soul is going through right now, but i’ve been listening to taylor swift exclusively for weeks on end and her songs are still making me weep. 2024 will be the year i figure out my triggers and deactivate them. this is the year i learn to be good to myself. this is the year i can say i’m proud of myself. this is the year i don’t give a shit about…

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Writing Prompt Day 7

The Rocket-ship: Write about a rocket-ship on its way to the moon or a distant galaxy far, far, away. The air is cold. Little puffs of my breath float out in a string as I look out the window. The deep blue of the planet shimmers and sparkles like diamonds as we grow closer. The planet almost blends into the surrounding blackness of space – the only thing setting it apart being its deep blue…

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Writing Prompt Day 6

Eye Contact: Write about two people seeing each other for the first time. I look over at the boy sitting next to me in the car. He tells me about how excited he is for me to have finally taken him up on his offer to take me out for the night. He weaves in and out of the traffic, blending into the growing congestion that begins to build down K street. He stops at a light and looks over at me. He…

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Nails

Filing nails, buffing nails, cuticle clean up.. These are the things keeping me from the brink of insanity. When work is spiraling and overwhelming, when another thing gets added to my to-do list, when I hear the kids fighting over yet another toy they haven’t played with in months.. I’ve been tidying my nails, painting them, then taking them off immediately after. I need to find time to clear…

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Writing Prompt 5

Food: What’s for breakfast? Dinner? Lunch? Or maybe you could write a poem about that time you met a friend at a cafe. Life is really getting in the way of my writing practice. The last time I met a friend at a cafe. I can’t remember, but I can tell you about the time I dream about being at a cafe with an old friend. A small bell jingled when I opened the door. I see him across the cafe…

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