Madison shut her eyes tight, trying to shake the memories of out of her head. She could feel the tears drying on her face, though she knew new ones would follow soon enough. Just the memory brought her back into what she’d gone through. She had never hurt this bad, she could psychically feel her emotional pain and while she knew that a heart couldn’t literally break she knew that this is what it would feel like if it could. She had taken pregnancy tests over and over again, feeling more and more like a failure every time she saw that they were negative. She wanted a baby more than anything, but her chances were continuously looking more slim. She had finally taken herself to the maternity floor of the hospital and when they delivered the news she’d dissolved into tears. They were forced to call her husband, who had to leave work to pick her up. They’d granted her the rest of the week off, most of which she spent curled up in their bed. He came home to find her sobbing all week, and he’d sat on the floor with her, stroking her hair until she could calm down. He’d been so supportive- what happened? Weeks passed, she’d started to come to terms with the fact that she’d never be able to carry her own child, and then she came home to him packing up his things. He told her that he just couldn’t look at her the same way anymore, that she was somehow broken and that he needed a woman who could provide children for him. He was out the door before she could lose it, and now here she was, once again on the floor, but this time by herself. She stared down at her left hand, tearing off her rings and throwing them across the floor. She couldn’t look at them, she couldn’t even look around the apartment, there were too many pictures. Too many memories that she wished she could get rid of. She broke down again, hugging her knees and letting all the sobs out. She’d gotten a text from Mason, asking if she was alright. He could feel that she wasn’t, there was no use lying. She told him she needed him and he promised to be on the next flight. There was no use, nothing could make this right- nothing could fix her. The term “damaged goods” had never flashed through her mind before, but that’s how she now felt. Like she was somehow incomplete, like this was it for her. The next month was a blur. Mason had talked the hospital into giving her paid time off, and without work to distract her all she could think about was her, now, ex-husband. She’d signed the divorce papers in a daze, hardly hearing anything that anyone was saying. Mason was her rock, and she’d leaned on him to help her with everything until she could somehow work out what she was feeling. She’d woken him up with her sobs late at night, and she started to wonder when he would get sick of her, too. Eventually, when she started to feel like a burden, she kicked him out, sending him home to his own family and promising that she’d take care of herself. She’d picked herself up, forced herself to go back to work, and attended therapy weekly. Nights like this one were rare, but when they occurred she knew to just let the memories overtake her. She took a deep breath and let the tears flow, once again hitting the floor. Once again alone.
