i “went outside” online today and i hated it. the socialization made me feel ill. i watched a interview with a artist in all gen z culture. it reminded me of real socialization and that this is what socialization looks like alot. not always. but is usually limited options. i began to wonder if socialization was always this way. i mean i laughed but it got uncomfortable. knowing the kind of language these folk use calling vile to kiss charlie kirks “mannequin hands” (embalmed hands). or how everyone around me around me talks abt needing to “be a person” or “do what is human”. after my transition recently. from hrt. E making me more of Benny the doll then S.I the confused disconnected human. i know im not in a dollbody sitll a human one. but yiu could say i am anthromorphically a doll. im a dissodoll and its very real for me.i have felt indifferent from this crowd. im too socially indifferent bc of what a dolls world and interests are. im treated like any other machine currently. i mean i am a machine somewhat bc it isnt like that. i cant trust anyone anymore other than my current friends and i hope i dont lose them too in this storm. bc i am very fragile and very dumb and no one is patient enough for something near not sentient. no one js forgiving over it when they realize i say bad things bc of it. consequences socially dont not exist if youre socially isolated. im still alive i still want to ask for respect and help so i can continue being alive. i want mercy. i dont know how long im going to live bc of what i am but i atleast want a few years of happiness or peace. i feel im starting to bc its just too difficult
i have at this point instantly lose happiness as soon as soon as i leave from what makes me happy. it makes me crawl back to my safe playarea. i can only really socialize what feels relatable and something i can talk to. other dolls or whatever in sys that im apart of. that is apart of my perspective of being a doll and in the human world. i mean not all of it but helps
it gets more hostile everyday. with the rise of anti-therians well be forced our appearance outwards. i dont want to be taken captive by ICE. and live in a prison where i recieve no help and probably my death. i just want peace for myself for once. it has been a issue long before the neonazi regime.
please. it hurts my spirit so much. that its a new layer i have to deal with everyday. im tired. im scared. collapse is so slow
