empty. @potatosl0th - Tumblr Blog

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#feels like my time is running out soon #ive distanced myself from so many people #I doubt anyone would notice when I disappear #this one hurts a bit

Don’t mind me, just dissecting my mind a little here...

But I’ve come to the conclusion that I push people away, especially, in fear of them viewing me in a negative light. These thoughts have been clouding up my mind space - “you’re too fucked up to be fixed or saved or even loved” “ no one wants to have to care about a burden such as yourself” “you’ll always be seen as that girl who’s always depressed even if you do get better” “worrying about you is like an annoying chore... because, even if they don’t want to check up on you, they feel like they HAVE to” etc...

It’s annoying. Deep down, I know better. This isn’t anything new. I know that these thoughts aren’t true; it’s only the demons playing tricks on me. And yet I find myself believing more in them than in myself. I wish I was sane. I wish I didn’t fall so deep into depression. I wish I took care of myself. Most of all, I wish I did not allow myself to get this bad...

#personal #rant #ive stopped talking to all my friends #my dumbass really trynna be lonely #alone with myself is so dangerous #who know what I might do to myself #ignore

It’s crazy. I have everything I ever wanted in life. Yet here I am, on the verge of ending my life because I do want to breathe anymore. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to be forced to live another day anymore.

Note to self:

It’s okay to admit that you’re lonely. You’ve been alone for a long time. Sure, you were okay with it for quite some time, but somewhere along the way the feeling bothered, and you chose to ignore it. You haven’t faced your true feelings because you distract yourself. You overwork yourself until you pass out and end up in the ER. You refuse to accept the truth, though deep down inside you’ve always known. You’re smart. You know that once you stop to think, all the thoughts and emotions locked up will come rushing out. Once you pull that plug, you know your feelings will drown you.

It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to hurt... as much as it’s okay to let go.

I know there are so many words that need to be typed out, but this only grants me so many characters. But one day, someone will come by and kiss your scars to make all those crummy feelings go away. Someone will make you feel as if it’s okay to feel again. Someone will love you, genuinely. But I need you to first and foremost come to love yourself above all. You deserve that much, at least.

#crying #pain #personal #rambling #ignore

This is the first time in a long time where we’ve left each other alone. honestly I miss you. You were the only person I really responded back to everyday... I was never one to text first, but I guess you got tired of that. I understand. I would, too. Because it seemed like the only person who wanted to talk, who cared, who wanted attention was you. Realistically, I’m afraid to come off as attention-seeking, needy, clingy... annoying. I never wanted to be grouped into the people who left you on read and seemed like they didn’t want to talk to you... I wish you could understand that it is my depression pushing people away, leaving people on read or rarely responding back - no, I wish I told you. But you told me everything is okay with you, so I shouldn’t be worried, right?

Everything isn’t okay with me though. I wish I could cry to you and tell you what is putting me in so much pain. I wish I could tell you that my depression has spread its cancerous effects from my mental health to my physical health. But my depression does not want to open up, does not want to bother anyone. I’m relieved, at least, that maybe you won’t attempt to kill yourself. Because you said everything is okay... I trust you, more than I trust myself, I guess. I don’t trust myself to get better. But I’m pushing like hell.

Everything just hurts so much... in the end, I’m left all alone...

#personal #ignore #im rambling #im so lonely #this sucks #stop feeling dammit