Anxiety is fun, right guys?
When I ask simple questions I get hostile responses, like I'm asking a questions that shouldn't ever be asked. My parents always tell me they can't have an adult conversation with me, as though I'm going to need to be treated as a child forever. They are afraid of me getting upset, but they're the ones who make me upset. They say it's all in the way I say things. It seems the communication problem is always my fault, never the other way around. I think a lot of my anxiety comes from feeling as though I'm not good enough. Not good enough for them to talk to like a person, not good enough for someone to love, not good enough for friends to hold on to. When I told my mom all of this, she was surprised and said "that's a tough burden to have on yourself every day". No shit mom. Does she think it's easy being the one person who thinks everything that goes wrong is her fault? But back to communication. My dad and I don't get along very well. On the surface it all looks fine, but he's got a huge issue with me. I'm a picky eater. I have been since I could talk. It's just the way I am. And I've grown and learned to like new foods and try new things, but my dad is fixated on it as a problem. We can't eat dinner without me worrying if he's gonna get angry because I didn't have a vegetable with dinner because the only vegetable they made was something I didn't like. He also tends to pointedly offer me foods he knows I don't like, then get angry with me when I say no. He's been known to break me down to tears with a single sentence. And of course he can't handle that so there's a lot of telling me to grow up and yelling at me that they can't have an adult conversation with me. I feel like a child, I won't lie. Living here makes me slam my door more. It makes me more anxiety prone. We went to Disney and the whole time I knew that anything that would go wrong, would be my fault. It was my graduation trip! And still I had to be careful to say the right thing and not be "too sensitive" as my parents love to tell me I am. So I live like this every day, hoping maybe one day I won't be like this, won't blame myself for everything that goes wrong. But I have doubts about how great of a person I am, and that feeds the fire.
