SUNGHOON LOVE BOT

me from the moon you from the stars

[pprodsuga]

𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐩𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐬𝐮𝐠𝐚

josephine ✩ she/her

here’s where you can find all the good stuff:

#𝐦𝐚𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 ✩ #𝐟𝐚𝐪 ✩ #𝐚𝐬𝐤

happy reading!

I’m over at @paarksunghoon now :)

divider by @/cafekitsune

[paarksunghoon]

KISS IT BETTER — JONGSEONG

SUMMARY: park jongseong is the kind of guy who likes to put his back against the wall to observe everybody before him and he likes the calm high only marijuana can provide when jake forces him out of his bedroom to socialize. enter you: a beautiful enigma in a black mini skirt and the only person who could get him higher than his favorite drug.

NOTES: a purely self indulgent fic. happy birthday jongseong 🖤

WORD COUNT: 23.8K

WARNINGS: marijuana use, extensive dry humping, jay being equally obsessed with ass and tits, reader having a rack and a big ass, oral (m & f receiving), mild ass play if you squint, confident & slightly bratty mc, unprotected sex, mating press, solo masturbation (m), jay is a walking green flag. I wrote most of this while stoned so maybe that should be a warning in itself...

🎧 kiss it better — the playlist

Jay doesn't have to announce that he smokes; his clothes smell earthy with the faint scene of leaf and smoke that lingers on all of his shirts and jackets. He always keeps a lighter on him in case there's an opportunity to get high or help someone else achieve that euphoria. Most times, Jay smells of vanilla and sandalwood from his favorite cologne that he intentionally sprays on his body for the longest lasting effect. It masks the scent or marijuana and wafts through his jet black hair, which has been cut short as of a week ago. He keeps to himself mostly, often preferring not to mingle with people who don't know how to carry a conversation. Jay hates unnecessary small talk. He'd rather people call him recluse than subject himself to people who only talk to him out of obligation.

Despite his quiet and introverted tendencies, he's friends with Jake, who is almost always the loudest person in the room. Jake is the type of person who can crack a smile and start a conversation with anybody. He doesn't mind if the small talk is bland and boring, unlike Jay, who counts the seconds until it's over. Jake loves it when the attention is on him like any other twenty-year-old something who's just gotten used to leaving home for the first time.

Their apartment on the outskirts of Seoul is less of an apartment and more like a small house, courtesy of Jay's exceptionally rich parents who dropped an unprecedented amount of money into his bank account despite the fact that he has a job. They don't particularly love that he works at a guitar repair shop or that he occasionally teaches people how to play the instrument when he has a free weekend, but Jay's never been the kind of person to care about what other people think of him as long as he's doing what he loves.

Well, that's how he's been ever since he started smoking.

Some time back in high school during the summer before his third year, he'd somehow met a freshly graduated student looking to sell off the rest of his marijuana before moving away for college. No way he could pack that shit in his luggage and fly halfway across the world with it in his possession. The plug was a friend of a friend. On a hot Thursday summer night, Jay smoked from a bong for the first time. He coughed and coughed, grateful that neither his friend nor the plug laughed at him for too long. The high didn't kick in until the third try when Jay had learned how to properly inhale.

If he could describe that first taste of euphoria, Jay would probably say it felt like walking on cloud nine with his head feeling heavier than a rock while the rest of his body felt as light as a feather. He could finally focus on one thing at a time instead of his brain running with a million thoughts. This was what it meant to let loose and be in the present moment. His friends thought he spent too much time worrying about the future instead of basking in the here and now. Jay finally understood what they were talking about.

When you first catch his eye, it's in the basement of his apartment. You arrived forty minutes prior along with your friends, some of whom he knows from around campus, and he looks at your exceptionally short black skirt that hugs your curves. The weather is starting to warm up with summer approaching beyond the horizon, even during the nighttime. Jay's red, bloodshot eyes rake over the expanse of your exposed legs and stop at the hem of the fabric before he peeks at your top, which is surely too small to properly cover your chest. It's a wonder how you haven't noticed him blatantly checking you out, but then again, the music is loud and there's far too many people in this room to make him stand out.

You look at Jay when the rest of your friends start to gather around the couch he's sitting on. Jake, who has migrated towards the coffee table with bottles of beer and soju, puts the drinks on the surface and starts pouring shots like the alcohol will give everybody enough courage to fly if they tried hard enough. He watches as you take a look at him too. Jay wears loose fitting black jeans and an old grey t-shirt he's worn one too many times. He's ditched his signature leather jacket because the apartment is warm with all the bodies that move before him and because it's his place. There's no use putting one on when he can walk upstairs to his bedroom if he gets cold. He never does. Several silver necklaces adorn his neck accompanied with matching silver jewelry that somehow makes his fingers look much longer than when his hands are completely bare. The callouses on his fingertips wrap around the joint in his hands—which is halfway finished—by the time you walk around the coffee table and look down at him.

"Is this seat taken?" Jay shakes his head.

"All yours."

He hears your polite thank you amidst noise. There's far too much for him to focus on, namely the chatter of multiple conversations and Jake's twenty-seven hour long playlist he puts on shuffle every time he hosts a party. Now he has to add in your perfume into the mix, which smells something like almond and cherries. Jay doesn't mean to inhale your scent, but it's kind of hard not to when you're sitting so close to him. The couch is only so big, anyway. Your thigh might as well be pushing against his if you weren't so polite.

"I like you what you did with your hair," you say, turning your body to look at him.

"Hm?" Jay hums.

"You hair. I like what you did with it," you repeat, using your index finger to point at his gelled hair, which he styled last minute thanks to Jake's suggestion. "It looks good on you."

"You think so?" You nod a few times. Jay can tell you're drunk from pregaming and the drinks his roommate and your friends have been passing around for the last hour or so.

"You look…edgy."

"Edgy?"

"Like, way too cool to be here."

Jay nearly scoffs at that. Too cool. Nobody's ever used that phrase to describe him before. Most people think he's too quiet for his own good or that he's a bit of a snob because he refuses to be part of the crowd that goes along with anything for the sake of looking like he has friends. Jay is the kind of person who keeps to himself until he feels comfortable enough to open up. Being vulnerable is not his forte. He'd rather keep everything to himself until he's given a reason to spill his guts. People tend to compare him to Jake and always wonder how the two of them are so close despite being so different. His best friend's loudness complements his quiet nature, even if it gets to be too overwhelming sometimes.

You, on the other hand, are the epitome of cool. Jay's never spoken to you in his life, but he's seen you around before. You never walk around campus without somebody trailing after you and on the rare occasions you're alone, he's seen you call out to somebody as they pass by. Jay doesn't know if you're a natural socializing magnet or if people seek you out on purpose. He doesn't know if there's much of a difference. Jay has never found the appeal of having a large friend group because he'd rather find a few people who he can trust than entertain people who don't really care about him. He doesn't know you well enough to make any assumptions beyond what he's witnessed, but you're friends with the girl Jake is talking to, which means he's been seeing you more than he ever has.

With his joint still lit, Jay laughs and the sound vibrates deep within him as the high continues making him feel like his head is much heavier than the rest of his body, just how he likes it. "You flatter me."

"You're Jay, right?" You ask. You tell him your name, which he already knows, but he chooses not to tell you that.

"Yeah, I am. Jake's roommate."

"I've heard a lot about you."

"Have you?"

"Good things, I promise," you tell him with a sweet smile. Jay's eyes barely flicker to your lips. You'd notice if you were sober, but you aren't. "Jake told me you play guitar. I think that's really cool."

"Do you play too?"

You shake your head. "Nope. I grew up playing piano. My parents never let me learn guitar because they wanted me to become a pianist."

"How's that going for you?"

"I can play Tchaikovsky without sheet music, but I really like learning about astronomy."

"You're either a disappointment or an exceptional daughter."

You giggle. Jay doesn't think he's made anyone make that sound before.

"Maybe a little bit of both. I crushed their dreams of seeing me in Carnegie Hall, but they're happy I chose a hard science as my major. I'm planning on going to grad school after taking a gap year."

"You're…very confident."

"Is that a bad thing?" You ask with the tilt of your head.

"Not at all. I'm just surprised."

"You are the cute guy with a joint and enough jewelry to last a lifetime. You look pretty confident to me." Your eyes rake over his hands, which are adorned with an assortment of silver rings before passing up his neck and to his ears, both of which are tastefully decorated. Jay looks at you and notices you're decked out in jewelry too. The gold tones complements you well.

"I think people shouldn't be afraid of accessorizing," Jay says.

"Fuck the clean girl aesthetic." You laugh. "I'm just kidding. People can do what they want. But I don't feel like myself unless my eyes are caked in eyeliner." Your makeup looks expertly put on. It's messy in a tasteful way, like you didn't try too hard even though you probably took your time getting ready.

"It looks nice on you."

"You think so?"

Jay nods. "Makes you look like a rock star."

"You're one to talk," you say, letting your eyes fall again.

The joint burns quicker than he'd like and in lieu of a response, Jay takes another puff and hopes he doesn't come off as socially awkward. He inhales and holds it in his lungs as casually as he can before turning his head away to blow the smoke anywhere but in your face. Jay can feel your eyes watching his lips as he brings the joint to his mouth and feels his neck start to warm up.

"Do you want to take a hit?" He asks, holding the joint out for you.

"Do you care if I get lip gloss on it?"

As if he'd pass up the chance to taste it.

He pushes the joint closer to you until your nimble fingers take it from him and he watches intently as your lips enclose around the opening. You've already got your lip gloss on it, something he can only describe as cherry cola, but he doesn't really care. Maybe he's high or maybe he knows a thing or two about pretty girls who like to make their lips look real kissable, but Jay takes note of your brown lip liner that makes you look even more delectable than when you were standing across the room from him.

Like the polite girl you are, you turn your head away to blow the smoke out of your mouth. You take it like a champ, too. You inhaled quite a bit and he was sure he'd have to get up from his spot on the couch to grab you a glass of water—or make Jake do it—but you cough only once to clear your throat before turning back around and inspecting the lip gloss that's managed to taint the paper. You smile and laugh when you notice it, flicking your eyes back towards Jay as you pass the joint back to him.

"Sorry," you apologize. "I really tried not to get any on there."

"S'okay. It happens," he mumbles, trying not to become too transfixed with the way you rub your lips together.

"Do you always offer your joints to strangers you see at parties?"

"Only if they're pretty."

Jesus. He's never this bold when he's sober. Jay sees a flicker of bashfulness in your expression when he says it, though. He isn't used to talking to girls like Jake is because he's got more things to worry about than wondering when he'll get his dick wet. He's the kind of guy that likes to take things slow and only jumps in on opportunities if they happen naturally. Jake's tried to introduce him to a few girls in the past but it never felt right.

Something about you smoking the joint he rolled twenty minutes before this party began is making him feel differently.

"Do you think I'm pretty, Jay?" Caught between embarrassment and bravado, he chooses the latter.

"Very pretty."

"I think you're pretty too."

"Do you?"

You nod. "Always have. I've seen you around campus before. You've got this mysterious thing going on. It works for you."

"Did Jake put you up to this?" He asks, shaking his head before inhaling a small puff.

"He didn't," you tell him. "I'm not really friends with Jake. Well, we know each other because we've shared a few classes and because he's talking to my best friend. No colluding here."

You move closer to him only slightly, but Jay's high and the only thing he can focus on is your exposed thigh inching closer towards his own. Your skirt has already ridden up so far because of the position you're sitting in and because it's hard to fix your clothes when you aren't standing up. If he looked down, Jay would see your tits practically shoving themselves in his face because of the tight, low cut. But even when he's inebriated, Jay is a gentleman, so he maintains his composure and keeps a respectful distance.

"Can I have another hit?" He gives the joint back to you and tries his best not to gawk at your lips again. "This isn't your scene, is it?"

"It is if Jake asks me to come," he answers, watching you tilt your head back to exhale. "I'm not a party guy, but it's my house and it'll be just as loud in my bedroom."

"I see," you say with a hum, looking at the group of people that have gathered near the table at the far end of the room. "It's not really my scene either."

"It's not?"

You shake your head. "I go to these things because my friends like to and I like them. Don't get me wrong, I like going out, but I think I'd rather smoke with a few people in my apartment instead."

"What would you rather be doing?"

"Depends on my mood. Right now I'd rather be high on my roof stargazing. I also like watching anime a lot. I'd rather be doing that alone in my bedroom."

"You must really like your friends to come out tonight." You laugh and Jay thinks it sounds like his favorite melody.

"I have my moments where I want to go out. I think my introversion comes out sometimes, but it's my last year of university and who knows when I'll be able to see all my friends in one place. What about you? What would you rather be doing?"

"Is it obvious that I'm bored?"

"Well, you look like you'd rather hide in your room than stay down here."

"I don't know anyone well enough," Jay tells you. "Not bad company, everyone's just a stranger tonight."

"But not me, right?" You ask, leaning in closer to him.

His eyes flicker down to your lips before looking back at you.

"No. Not you," he murmurs. "I know you now."

"Come play beer pong!" Jake shouts, interrupting the conversation from halfway across the room. When Jay turns his head to look, everyone has migrated to the table with red solo cups perfectly aligned on both sides. Your friends call out for you and Jay assumes you must be really good at this game if they're this adamant about you playing.

"Come with me?" You ask him, standing up while outstretching your hand to him. He only hesitates for a second before putting the joint in his mouth and putting his hand in yours.

Already, he notes how soft your palms are and the long, pointy shape of your nails that have been painted a dark shade of purple. Jay tries not to stare at your joined hands for too long because he doesn't want to seem like he's gawking, especially when he's surrounded by people you know. You lead him towards the crowd as Jake pours beer in the remaining empty cups.

You don't drop his hands immediately. Instead, you turn towards him and look up, batting your eyelashes. "Can I have another hit? For good luck?"

"Won't that make you loose focus?"

"I'm really good at beer pong."

Instead of giving you the joint, Jay holds it up to your mouth and watches you envelope the tip into your mouth. He doesn't hide the fact that he's staring, nor do you hide the fact that you're looking at him as he looks at you. He can hear your friend telling you to hurry up but you don't, instead choosing to inhale as much as you can before pulling away, holding it in your lungs, and blowing the smoke behind you.

"You know the rules," Jake says, standing across from you with a ping pong ball in his hand. "No pushing or blocking. I want a clean, fair game."

"Until the next round," your friend says.

Jake smirks. "Until the next round."

You finally let go of his hand to stand next to your friend and Jay can't help but trail his eyes until he looks at your ass. Fuck. You look exceptional in that skirt. He pulls his gaze away to avoid looking like a creep checking you out while you're bending over, but can anyone blame him? With every move and every stop, your skirt rides up your incredible thighs and he almost wishes he could push the fabric up just to see what you look like underneath it.

True to your word, you're really good at beer pong. Jake is far more drunk than you and your friend and his partner is barely carrying his weight. You, on the other hand, manage to sink the ping pong ball into the cup every single time you throw it. Jay relishes in Jake's defeated expression when he has to drink out of a cup, partially because his best friend wouldn't allow him to hole himself in his bedroom all night, and partially because Jay finds your hand-eye coordination really attractive. He finishes the remainder of the joint and finds a spare ash tray somewhere behind him.

The game ends eventually. Jay watches you and your best friend share a celebratory embrace and he can't help but let a ghost of a smile adorn his lips when he sees how happy you are now that you've won. Half of your drinks are still on the table while Jake's cups are nearly empty. Your friend walks to the other side of the table to console his best friend, who asks to team up for the next round as an excuse to be close to her, when you grab a two of the red cups and lift one to his mouth.

"Drink with me?"

He doesn't say no. Jay's knees nearly buckle when you maintain eye contact over the rim of the cup until you finish yours, which prompts him to finish his own. He doesn't particularly like the taste of warm, cheap beer, but he'd drink the rest of it if that meant staying by your side.

"Congratulations on the win. Jake's really bad at beer pong and hasn't improved in the four years I've known him," Jay says somewhat awkwardly, too high to find the confidence to act like he's sober enough to have a proper conversation with you. You're faring much better than he is, but he thinks it's probably because you're naturally good with people.

"I've played him a few times and you're right, he's terrible at it," you say with a short laugh. "What about you? Are you any good?"

"I'm decent, but I prefer staying on the sidelines instead of playing."

"That's okay." You smile up at him. "You can be my cheerleader from now on."

"Yeah?"

"Mhm," you hum. You hold your hand up in front of him. "Give me your phone."

"My phone?"

"I wanna give you my number, silly."

Jay nearly chokes. You're really pretty. He'd have to be an idiot to deny your request.

He fishes his phone from his pocket, grateful for his past self that decided to bring it downstairs instead of leaving it in his room like he usually does. After unlocking it, he hands the device to you and watches the way your fingers wrap around the case as you type your number. He's surprised when you take a picture of yourself in front of him to have as your contact photo before you hand it back. Your contact name is simple, spelled in all lowercase with a singular black heart right next to it.

God, you're something.

"Don't be a stranger, okay?"

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

It's been two weeks since then.

Sober Jay from the morning after somehow convinced himself that you weren't serious about him texting you. It must've been the weed, right? Or maybe it was the atmosphere at the party. Things like this happen to Jake, not him.

But here you are, walking towards him with a big smile on your face.

Lee Heeseung cocks his head and looks between the two of you. He watches Jay notice you from the corner of his eye, slowing his gait as if to check if it's really you, before looking ahead and taking another step forwards. Heeesung raises an eyebrow and pulls Jay by the arm.

"You shouldn't ignore a gorgeous girl who wants your attention," says Heeseung, clearly giving you a once over. You don't seem to notice because you're too busy trying to get Jay's to look at you. "Do you know her?"

"Barely," Jay mutters.

"It looks like she knows you."

"We met at a party a couple of weeks ago, is all. We barely know each other."

"I'll come over after work," Heeseung says, effectively patting Jay on the shoulder before he leaves.

"Heeseung—"

"Jay!" You say from beside him. He looks down at you, giving Heeseung the chance to slip away without saying a proper goodbye. "Who's your friend?"

"Nobody important," Jay mumbles. "What are you doing here?"

"In the public quad?" He tries not to let a blush form atop his cheeks. "You didn't text me."

There's no use in trying to come up with a cohesive answer. He opens his mouth like he's a fish out of water, but you keep looking at him like you're amused.

"I didn't think you were serious."

"I even added a contact picture."

It's a fucking good one too.

"Here," you say, pulling your phone out of your pocket. "Put your number in my phone."

"This feels like déjà vu."

"I thought about finding your Instagram or asking around for your number, but you could've ignored me there too. I figure I'd find you and ask you myself."

Jay's never had anybody this interested in him. He's had girlfriends in the past, but they always felt like placeholders. He's pretty sure his ex-girlfriends felt the same way about him too. You, on the other hand, have been bold and forward ever since the first time you laid your eyes on him. Ever since sharing that joint a couple of weeks ago, Jay's felt this strange sense of his heartstrings being pulled involuntarily.

The truth is, he hasn't stopped thinking about you since that night. In the evening, when Jake is asleep or gaming with his noise cancelling headphones, Jay would pull up your contact and stare at your image for hours. He'd fantasize about seeing you again before feeling embarrassment for conjuring such an image. There have been to many times where he'd draft a text message just to delete it altogether. Jay can't pinpoint why he refrained from reaching out to you, but deep down, he knows it's because he's scared of being rejected by you.

And yet, here you are, asking for his phone number.

you: hi jay!!

"Don't be a stranger. I mean it this time," you tell him as you pocket your phone and walk away.

"Fuck," he whispers. He's never felt such exhilaration in his entire life.

Jay does text you back. He texts back approximately four hours later (after conferring with Heeseung on what he should say) and settles on being just as direct as you. He figures dinner and a movie is a safe bet, especially since he doesn't know you well enough to know what you'd be interested in. Heeseung tells Jay he's overthinking and fuck, he knows that, but it's hard not to when he really wants to impress you and make you believe he's more than just some guy you got high with at one of Jake's parties.

Sometimes Jay wonders if he jumps off of the deep end too fast. He'd never purposely make you feel like you need to rush into anything with him right off the bat, but he can't deny that his feelings towards you compile into something that feels like a crush. Smoking with you didn't feel like a one-time thing, especially since you held his fucking hand and told him to join you during that beer pong match. You let everyone see you drag him to the group. You didn't drop his hand for the sake of not wanting to be seen with him, but because your teammate needed you to be laser focused to win against Jake and his partner.

He'd never admit that you're on his mind at every waking hour. Perhaps he's been such a loner for so long, but Jake and Heeseung both would argue that Jay isn't a loner per se. Rather, he's someone who takes his time and has impossibly high standards because he wants to be completely sure about a decision before he goes all in. He's always been a bit indecisive like that, even in childhood. But it's not his fault that he's a careful person. Jay's careful with his mind, body, and soul.

You came into his life like a fucking thunderstorm. You've unarmed all of Jay's senses and made him forget being cautious like he usually does despite having only spent a few hours with you a couple of weeks ago. There's no rhyme or reason for your existence in his life and all you've done is share a joint and talk to him like you've known him all your life. He loves people like that. Jay's first encounter with Jake was at orientation during their first year of university and the latter had struck up a conversation because he simply didn't know anybody at the time. It was alarming in the best kind of way and Jay decided to take a leap of faith to befriend Jake. The rest is history, as they say.

Is it pathetic that he's thinking about making space in his life for you when he barely knows who you are? He knows you're beautiful, you like to get high, and you're exceptional at beer pong. There's not much he can go off of when he allows himself to fantasize about what it would be like to call you his girlfriend. God, Jay must be truly fucked in the head to think that far ahead when he's only hung out with you once. He'd never call himself a hopeless romantic or the kind of guy who believes in love at first sight, but something about your wondrous self makes him think otherwise.

Eventually, the two of you sit across from one another in a late night diner after seeing The Drama.

"This whole movie was bullshit," you say, dipping french fries into a mixture of ketchup and hot sauce. "I mean, Emma didn't go through with her original plan. Her belief system was completely shaped after finding her friend group. Shouldn't that count for something? Everyone else at that table did some fucked up shit, but Emma was the only one who didn't."

"Rachel was a terrible friend," Jay says with a definite nod. "Her husband—what was his named again? Mike?—was useless the entire time. All of this could've been avoided if Emma and Charlie postponed the wedding to talk about it."

"I couldn't help but notice how everyone except for Emma showed their true personalities. Rachel locked that kid in a closet and didn't help him. She got spooked and let left him to the wolves, which is exactly how she treated her best friend. Mike was a pussy who used his ex-girlfriend as a human shield and he did that again by hiding behind Rachel, no? And Charlie…he didn't even know what happened to the kid he cyberbullied and wrestled with that until he got over it. All three of them repeated their mistakes but Emma was the only one who didn't."

Jay can't help but look at you in awe. Underneath the awful diner lighting, you look beautiful as you dive straight into your analysis and your late night dinner. He can get talkative too, something his parents used to scold him for, and part of him thinks they're the reason why he feels conditioned to keep his opinions and feelings to himself. There are a few people, like Jake and Heeseung, who naturally bring out his loquacious tendencies. Jay feels that way with you and he loves that you aren't afraid to tell him what you think, even if it isn't pleasant.

"How did you feel about the ending? When Charlie and Emma met up at the diner and pretended everything was okay?"

"I honestly don't even know," you say with an exasperated sigh. "If that were me, I would've advised both of them to postpone the wedding and get extensive couples therapy. You?"

"I would've done the same thing," he replies. "They didn't seem like a great fit to me from the start. I mean, why didn't Charlie just read the book before their first date?"

"Men are the worst," you say, rolling your eyes. Jay nods in agreement. Men really do suck.

"Hopefully our night will end better than theirs."

You raise an eyebrow. "With me in a wedding dress and you bloody and bruised?"

Picturing you in a wedding dress makes his heart skip a beat.

"No," he said with a slight blush. "I hope we enjoy our food and maybe you like me enough to want to do this again."

"Let's see how the night ends first," you say coyly. "But I'm having a great time, if that's any consolation. The movie might've been bad, but the company isn't."

Jay laughs and looks down at his plate. "You say things that make me think you're flirting with me."

"What if I am?"

He looks back up at you. "Aren't I the one supposed to make you blush?"

"We still have the whole night ahead of us, Jay. There's plenty of time for that."

"I was surprised when you came up to me at the party," Jay confesses. "I'm not the type of person to just…go up to people the way you do. I thought that was cool. I didn't want to fuck tonight up."

"You could've texted me sooner," you tease, grabbing a fry from his plate. "But it's fine. I'm the kind of person who believes in fate, or whatever you want to call it. Whatever happens is supposed to happen."

"That's a beautiful way of putting it."

"Do you remember what I said to you? I could've looked you up on Instagram or ask Jake but you could've ignored me there too." Jay blushes, shutting his eyes closed. You laugh when you see him and take a sip of your chocolate milkshake.

"God, I don't know why I convinced myself that you were joking."

"Well, I actually told myself that if I saw you in person, that would mean it's worth trying again."

"Really?" You shrug.

"Yup. Simple as that. I desire many things and let fate handle the rest."

"You are…extremely poetic."

"I'm not afraid to say what's on my mind," you tell him. "I think you could learn a thing or two from me."

"I think you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen," Jay says without missing a beat. He holds your gaze, which makes his fingers twitch, but he doesn't relent. It's your turn to be bashful now and he relishes in the sight of you breaking eye contact first.

"You really flatter me, Jay."

"I'm only saying what's on my mind. It's all I've been thinking about for the past two weeks, actually. I can't seem to get you out of my head and I can't tell if that's a good or bad thing."

"It's a good thing," you say. "Definitely a good thing."

Jay pays the entire bill. Your apartment isn't very far from here, just a short seven minute drive. With you sitting in his passenger seat, he has the itch to put his palm on your thigh as some kind of silent claim, but he doesn't because the two of you haven't even kissed.

The short drive ends quickly and you make a passing comment about how the night is still young because it's Friday and you don't have anywhere to be tomorrow morning. Jay decides to push his overthinking tendencies to the side, asking if you'd want to keep hanging out while he drives aimlessly all over down. You say yes and make a joke about how much gas he'd be wasting, but he tells you he doesn't mind it if you're the one he's driving with, and that makes you blush.

It's unfathomable how comfortable Jay is with you already. It's only been one date (two, if you count when you first met), but he's already falling in deep. You talk about life like you're excited to be alive and make him feel like there's something at the end of every tunnel. He learns so much about you by listening to all the things you aren't saying and asks question after question. You do the same, making him feel like he's part of the conversation instead of focusing solely on yourself and Jay gets the sense that you really want to get to know him too. Sometimes he thinks he can talk for hours without anyone interrupting and he feels like this habit of his annoys people around him. But not you, apparently. You hang onto every word and don't interrupt him.

After a near hour of driving, Jay finds himself back at your apartment and walks you to the front door like the gentleman he is.

"I had a really great time tonight," he says, looking down at you. It's unfair how beautiful you are underneath the moonlight.

"You surprised me, Jay."

"I did?"

"Mhm. I always thought you were the lonesome, brooding type. You're intimidating, you know that? Especially when you're smoking. You look…untouchable." He laughs at that.

"Is that a good thing?" Jay asks, looking at the way your eyes travel up and down his body. His neck feels warm all of the sudden.

"It's a really good thing," you say, pushing yourself closer to Jay. "You're too cool to be in most places."

"You're one to talk. You know exactly who you are. That's intimidating."

"I don't go out with just anyone, you know. I made an exception."

"For me?"

"For you."

His eyes flicker down to your lips. He can barely believe his life. Jay must look like he's fighting some invisible urge to remain the gentleman you deserve, but you aren't having that. "Kiss me, Jay."

He does.

God, your lips are so soft. The lip gloss rubbed off an while ago but he still tastes the remnants. Jay's already lost in the feeling of your mouth on his, carefully putting both of his hands on your hips. The feeling of pure adrenaline becomes more intense when he's kissing you with his eyes closed and Jay can only feel an exhilarated jolt in his body when he realizes you're kissing him back. The kiss is as polite as it can be for two semi-horny twenty-year-old-somethings making out in the dead of night, right where anyone could see the two of you. Jay doesn't care, though, and he doesn't think you do either.

It's short-lived because you drop your keys, startling the two of you until you both pull away.

"You taste incredible," Jay says without fully thinking.

"Come upstairs with me?" You ask him in a rush, bending over to pick up your fallen keys.

"Only if you want me to."

"I do, Jay. Come in."

Jay doesn't have time to look at the decor in the living room because you're hauling him past the dark kitchen and up the stairs. You drag him in such a haste that he stumbles as he takes his shoes off, unable to place them neatly by the door. For a second, Jay's worried that the two of you will wake up your roommate, but you open your door and pull him inside with brute force that he stops thinking with his brain and starts thinking with his cock.

Your room is cute. It's very you, dark with red and purple accents with posters and artwork covering every inch of you wall in a tasteful manner. Your desk is littered with makeup, your headphones, and other miscellaneous items Jay can't make out in the dark. The window by your bed provides a bit of moonlight for him to see and he's grateful for it because he's watching you take off your shirt. Your bra is midnight black. A push up, most likely, making your chest look like a cardinal sin. Jay can't help but let his eyes drop to your tits, his eyes watching you breathe heavily.

"Fuck me," Jay whispers. It cuts through the silence of the night and he's about to apologize when you pull him by his neck until his lips are back on yours.

The two of you tumble onto your queen sized bed, effectively pulling Jay's chest to fall flush against yours. He feels you try to push off his jacket, to which he pulls his arms out before tossing it somewhere behind him, while his lips chase after your plush ones. Your hands are all over his body and Jay's horny brain prevents him from holding back like he was when the two of you were outside your front door. You're kissing him just as enthusiastically, fingers clawing at his clothing as your hands explore his chest and abdomen, making Jay recoil at your sensitive touch.

He doesn't know what to focus on. Your voice is breathy and light and your mouth tastes like an invitation to sin underneath the moonlight. Jay can barely register your tits pressing up against his chest because his dick is starting to harden in his jeans with every second that passes. Your mouth leaves his own and he holds back a pathetic whine because he wants to keep kissing you while you're underneath him, but your wet lips attach to his hot neck. He almost forgot how good it feels to be touched by somebody he's actually excited about. Sex isn't always just sex to him and he thinks there must be something fundamentally wrong with him for being unable to truly live in the moment if he isn't completely attracted to the girl he's with. Hovering above your semi-naked body with your mouth sucking on his warm skin makes him feel like his soul is on fire burning with unashamed desire.

It's hard to keep still when you're kissing him like you're desperate for him too. His fingertips itch to move your bra and panties out of the way, but he doesn't want to ruin a good thing by acting out of haste. When you pull your head back, presumably from the discomfort of craning your head at an uncomfortable angle, Jay sees his opportunity to make you feel as good as you make him feel. His mouth presses long, wet kisses along your jawline until you're moaning straight into the air and right next to his eardrum.

God. You sound divine.

You sound like a siren luring him into the deep end. He's a sailor braving the storm when he hears your song echoing from the distance, turning his ship from the traveling course to sail wherever you are. Your breathy voice and rolling hips makes his dick impossibly hard and Jay never imagined he'd ever get like this over dry humping, but you seem to take him out of his element and reward him for it.

Jay has long since stopped asking for verbal permission because he keeps getting cut off by your eager lips. Your hands have found their way to the back of his head, tugging on his soft strands the more he travels down your neck. His mouth sucks on the spot just underneath your earlobe and the euphoric tension makes your legs wrap around his body, effectively trapping him right where he wants to be. Jay would never complain about you clinging onto him like this. In fact, he wants to be as close as he possibly can with you.

Tugging on his roots causes him to groan against your skin. Your silent room makes the combination of your moans sound like something out of an amateur lewd film and it makes Jay's senses go haywire. The more you tug on his hair, the more he pushes his covered dick against the fabric of your panties. He can feel you. Jay notices the way you push your lap straight into his like you're trying to feel his cock through his denim. He savors the way your body arches deeply when his tongue licks your earlobe, making your entire body shudder to the point where Jay's arm catches you before you roll over.

"Take your shirt off," you moan with an opened mouth, moving your hands from his head to underneath the hem. Jay grunts when your manicured nails scratch down his toned abdomen. Fuck, your touch might as well send him in a spiral.

The shirt comes off and it'll live on your bedroom floor for the foreseeable future because the only thing on Jay's mind is the pure desire that emanates from your gaze. You resemble that of a hungry feline ready to pounce on your prey and Jay doesn't care that your eyes are raking all over his body. In fact, he finds it incredibly sexy that you're objectifying him like this—is it objectification if he allows it?—because it turns him on. Knowing you want him as badly as he wants you is the very on top. When it comes to you, getting his dick wet means absolutely nothing if you aren't into him too.

He's caught off guard momentarily, allowing you to push him until his back hits your mattress. Jay follows your body, watching and feeling the way you climb onto his lap like you're its rightful owner. This moment is something out of his wildest wet dream—you in a black lace bra with panties pasted onto your pussy because of how wet you've made them. Jay could only guess how turned on you were but now that he has a clear view of you, he almost can't believe you're letting him see you like this.

Jay doesn't think when he brings his thumb to nudge at your wet center. You buck your hips at that and let out this soft, airy moan that makes his cock twitch. He's sure you can feel it but he doesn't particularly care, not when you're grinding again his thumb that's rubbing you right over your covered clit.

"You're so wet," Jay groans, pushing the pad of his thumb harder against your swollen bud. "Your panties are soaked."

"You turn me on," you confess unashamed, hands coming to the button of his jeans as you try to take them off. Your long nails prove to be troublesome, though. Jay chuckles at your frustration and unbuttons his pants as you lift off of him until he's able to push them down far enough to reveal his boxers and the hardened outline of his dick.

His jeans sit uncomfortably halfway down his legs but Jay can't bring himself to care when you're looking down at his lap like his cock is a piece of mean. Did you mean to lick your lips or was that a natural response? You marvel at it for a short moment before crawling your way back up until your clothed core drags along his boxers and for the first time in a while, he doesn't have to rely on his hand or a spare toy to get him off.

Feeling your warmth is enough to get Jay's blood pumping even harder. He feels the metronome that is his heartbeat pounding in his ears when your hands roam around his naked chest, feeling every ridge and dip his abdomen and pecs have to offer. You run your fingertips over his nipples and Jay visibly shudders at that, to which you smile wickedly and laugh like you find him amusing. Your hips don't stop moving either, slowly grinding your panties over his boxers as if you've decided to take your sweet time with him compared to when you latched your mouth onto his neck like a leech.

Every drag of your hips brings him closer to Heaven. Jay's grateful he's sober for two reasons: he'd probably cum in his pants the second he saw you in your bra and the feeling of your hand repositioning his dick in your boxers so that your clit can rub over his tip is sensational. Jay's never fucked a girl who was so intentional before. He's familiar with putting on this persona of the guy who wants to take care of every girl he sleeps with (that's true for the most part) but his heart isn't in it half the time. But you…you know exactly what you want and you aren't afraid to take it. It's what he's grown to like about you over the course of his date with you and Jay's experiencing what that's like right now.

"Drag your pussy over me like you mean it," he grunts, bringing his hands to your body as if to guide you in a steady rhythm.

"Fuck," you curse. "This feels so fucking good."

"Your body's phenomenal," he groans like it's a confession he wants you to hear. "Why have you been hiding these pretty tits from me?"

You laugh at him, arching your back to give his face a full view of your chest. "You like these?"

"I love them," he replies, digging his fingertips into your flesh. "Makes me wanna see them with your bra off."

You comply like the deviant you are, expertly unhooking your bra and tossing it somewhere onto your bed. Jay almost drools at the sight of your erect nipples, licking his lips involuntarily. You look like a beautiful, demonic succubus straight from the deepest pits of hell meant to seduce Jay. He'd gladly sell his soul if that means he gets to be the only one to experience you like this.

Watching you from below might as well be the last thing he sees before he dies. Your tits look phenomenal as they bounce the more you drag your covered pussy over his lap. The soiled fabric must feel so good against your bare, wet pussy because you're moaning like your life depends on it. Your vocal moans bring him closer and closer to the edge he's trying not to peer over, but you make it hard when you look and sound like that. Sexy beyond compare. Jay's pictured this exact moment every single night as his hands cup his dick without him realizing it most times. He finds that his body responds to yours in ways it's never responded to anyone before and at this rate, he's let his cock do the thinking for him. Every single rational thought he's had about being a gentleman tonight has been thrown out of your window, never to be seen again.

Jay yanks you down by your neck and pushes your lips with his own until your tongues collide and smash against one another. The wet spit makes the whole affair that much more erotic, especially when Jay's bending his legs and lifting them up and thrust his covered dick right against your panties, paying no mind to the fact that his jeans are technically caught at his ankles. You two must look like two desperate people rutting your laps against one another, if he had to guess. Fuck it. It feels so good. Grinding into you like this makes him feel like he's in a quick haste. He wishes he could do more, like peel your clothes off and kiss every inch of your skin until he memorizes what your body tastes like, but you're both too far gone to think about that right now. You moan hotly against his lips and push your tongue against him harder like you're trying to get underneath his skin. It's working and Jay grabs your ass cheeks, gripping onto your meaty flesh while he moans and thrusts his hips like a wild bull.

"I'm close, Jay. Fuck, keep doing that and you'll make me cum," you moan, grinding your ass back onto him. The way the tip of his cock hits your wet patch is indescribable. He wishes he could feel that with his raw cock instead.

"You feel me like that? The way my dick pushes against you?" Jay grunts, bucking his hips. "This is just a preview. I'm going to fuck your pussy until you crave me when I'm gone."

"Yes, fuck!"

"Gonna fuck that drooling pussy of yours." Something about one particular thrust makes you yelp, making you cling onto him like your life depends on it. "Cum for me," Jay moans, gripping your ass tighter until you're moaning louder. "That's so hot. You're so hot."

"Cumming, cumming!"

"I'm cumming too," he grunts in short breaths.

Your covered pussy pushed against him when you come and Jay follows soon after. He feels the way his hot seed shoots straight from his slit and onto his boxers, the sticky substance rubbing against his skin with every thrust. Jay feels like a teenager coming like this but it's worth it when he looks up to see your eyes closed shut, mouth hanging open as you catch your breath and relieve yourself from the incredible high. The sweat on his forehead starts to cool when his hips thrust haphazardly against you and Jay spills the last of his semen into his pants when you drop your head to his shoulder.

The sounds of your heavy breaths fill the quiet room. Jay strokes your back when you breathe against his neck in a silent attempt to calm you down from the dirty affair, readjusting himself to let you lay your head completely on his chest. He kisses the crown of your head as you curl your fist against him and the feeling of your mouth littering soft kisses on his naked body makes his heart flutter.

However, the moment is cut short when you receive a call on your phone, startling the both of you. You yelp in his arms and his heart rate skyrockets until you're both looking at each other and laughing at the absurd juxtaposition having made each other come to an orgasm before your phone rang. Jay reluctantly lets you go, but he watches the way you turn back to look at him before answering.

"Now?" He hears you say. "What? I'm not out of breath. I just ran up the stairs, though. Okay sue, fried rice is fine. I'll see you in fifteen. Drive safe."

"Who was that?" Jay asks when you hang up the phone.

"My roommate," you reply. "I thought she was gonna be out until tomorrow, but her plans changed and now she's coming home with takeout."

"Great roommate, awful timing."

You smile at him apologetically, walking towards him until you're standing in between his legs. He sits on the edge of your bed and places his hands on your hips to draw you in closer to him, neck craning to look up as you bend down to give him a kiss.

"I'm sorry, Jay," you apologize. "I don't want to kick you out, but she's going to question you like she's my mother. You remember the girl Jake's talking to, right? That's her."

"She seems nice, though."

"She's the best," you say with a smile against his mouth. "She's my best friend and she's really protective over me. I don't really want her first time meeting you to be like, well…this."

"We've met before, though?"

"Yeah, but not as the guy I'm seeing." Jay feels his heart bounce against his chest. He likes the sound of that.

"Don't worry about it," he says, rubbing the pads of his thumbs over your skin. "I had a great time tonight. The date and the sex."

"I can't believe we dry humped on my bed," you giggle, looking down at his naked torso. "You're really hot, Jay."

"You're hotter," he says, kissing you again. "I should probably get dressed, huh?"

You pout. "I don't want you to go."

"I don't want to go either, but your friend is coming back." Jay pecks your lips and pushes you to the side to grab his discarded clothes and to fix his pants. His come is sticky in his boxers but there's no time for him to clean himself up, so he decides he'll brace the uncomfortable drive home.

"Stop being such a green flag," you grumble cutely, eyebrows furrowing like you can't believe he has the audacity to be respectful.

"You're so cute," he admits without thinking, leaning down to kiss you again before kissing your temple.

The two of you put your clothes back on and he stumbles back down the stairs, pretending like his legs aren't jello from humping you ten minutes ago. Jay becomes a happier version of himself when you walk him to his car and he kisses you one last time, his hand cupping the back of your neck to keep you in place. He leaves soon after that, watching the way you touch your lips and smile to yourself in the rear view mirror.

You're so cute.

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

Despite that incredible night, exams get in the way of spending alone time together.

The two of you hang out on campus more than not after realizing the pathway to your classes overlap. Jay doesn't mind these innocent run ins (that have turned into intentional dates spending time with one another) because he learns more about you the more you talk. And the more you talk, the deeper he falls.

There's something about the way you carry yourself. You embody confidence that makes Jay want to kiss you all over and let everybody know you're with him. They probably do, since the two of you have graduated to holding hands in public (so much so that Heeseung and Jake have since started teasing him for it). Life feels better with you in it. Jay's never been the kind of person who lives for other people, but you're a welcome presence that feels like a steady addition to his life instead of a burden. He wakes up in the morning looking forward to hearing your every thought until your lungs burn from talking so much. He could listen to your voice forever. And you listen to him too, letting him drone on and on about everything and nothing at the same time. The conversations don't feel forced or make him feel like he's supposed to be interested for the sake of being polite.

Everything happens for a reason, right? People fall into place when the universe aligns or some shit like that. That's what Jay thinks when he's high out of his mind, sitting on his bed as he watches anime on his TV. He's been having more of these sentimental epiphanies lately. It's like his mind focuses on the positives instead of what obstacles he has in front of him. He used to think you were a welcomed distraction, but now he thinks you're actually a perfect complement.

There's no stress with you. Jay lets himself fall deeply through your intuitive nature and all the subtle things he picks up. He loves that you're more considerate than you give off, always taking the temperature of the room and thinking before you speak. You're loud, animated, and entirely too whimsical to ever peak in university. You've got a million stories to tell him and he learns so much about you with every anecdote that passes through your lips. Jay notices how guarded you are and can't help but feel so special that he's an exception to this condition. It almost feels like he's in the inner circle, but the payoff has less to do with access to you and more to do with the fact that he's watching you grow softer. It's as if you're allowing yourself to fall for him too.

He'd never rush or make you choose him when you aren't ready. Jay's the kind of person who adapts and takes things for what they are instead of trying to find the deeper meaning when there is none. You're so delicate in Jay's eyes. He's stopped overthinking with you and started taking initiative for things like holding your hand or suggesting things to do when the two of you aren't getting stoned or studying. He tries not to look at you when he sees you blushing, but it's hard to ignore how cute you look when you're trying (and failing) to pretend you aren't affected by Jay's ability to read your mind. He's developed this canny ability to read you like an open book. It's adorable to see you opening up to him in ways you don't with other people.

The four-day weekend is exactly what Jay needs.

Something about a student-led event followed by a national holiday. It doesn't matter. Jay has no interest in keeping up with student life nor did he care about it in the first place, but he's grateful for it this year because that means getting to spend more time with you. On Thursday, the two of you spent the entire day at the aquarium whilst high on edibles. On Friday morning, he paid for breakfast. Now it's Saturday evening and your excuse for knocking on his door at nine in the evening is because apparently, your best friend and Jake were planning on hooking up at your place and forgot to tell you.

You come to Jay's apartment naturally. You say this to him like it's a no-brainier before he could ask you why Jake hadn't invite your friend over instead because he hates making people feel like they have to go the extra mile to get what they want. But you laugh, already a bit high from an edible you had taken earlier, and ask him to roll a joint to share. Either way, the two of you will be alone and it doesn't really matter the location, your place or his. It starts to make sense the second Jay's high kicks in because he's noticing the fact that you're wearing a shirt that lets him know you aren't wearing a bra.

His mind wanders and he thinks about all the selfies you've sent him where your tits are clearly on display. Somewhere along the way, you've graduated from sending photos of yourself to pictures of your body like you're trying to entice him. It always works, especially when the photo is just shy of a proper nude. He thinks it's sexier that way and he's grown enough confidence to send you things as a thank you, including shirtless photos, dick prints, and pictures of himself after getting out of the shower. He'd like to think you're using these to get off, imagining what you'd look like shoving your fingers inside of your pussy. Jay pictures your toes curling and eyebrows pinching when that final thrust makes you come, your free hand scrolling through all of the suggestive photos he's sent you as you orgasm.

It comes to a head one night when he received a picture of your ass when he asks you about the color of your nails since you had mentioned an appointment earlier that day. God. It looks just as plush as it does in real life. One of your hands cups your ass cheek, your perfectly manicured nails on display right next to your perfect ass. Jay grows rock hard in record time, his dick swelling in his sweats until he pulled it down just enough to reveal himself. He sat in the middle of his bed with his back against the headboard, one hand stroking himself as the other holds his phone so that he could stare at the image. Tugging on himself wasn't enough. Jay wanted you to be the one to do it. Dry humping can't be how far the two of you go. Imagining himself burying his face in your ass is what compels him to record a video of himself finishing, angling his dick towards his chest as he comes everywhere as he moans your name. He sends it to you without thinking and you call a minute later. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize the two of you ended up having phone sex.

And well, Jay is a man after all. This is all he can think about as you're sitting next to him on the very couch you sat on when he first met you. It doesn't help that he's high, which is making him laser focused on the image of you grinding on top of him.

With the ceiling fan turned on and Jake out of the house, Jay doesn't bother stepping outside to light his joint. Not that Jake would mind. Matter of fact, it does something to Jay's psyche knowing you're smoking his stuff and getting high off of it too. It makes him feel like he has some invisible claim on you, even if you're getting high with other people. He'd rather not think about that.

"What do you wanna watch?" Jay asks after blowing out a puff of smoke. He passes the joint to you as you sift through the abundance of movies and television shows, aimlessly scrolling past them without giving it too much thought.

"I'm in the mood to watch something supernatural," you say. He watches you look at his TV intently. "Have you ever watched Castlevania?"

"Can't say I've ever heard of it."

You turn your head like what he's said is completely outrageous. "You're lying."

"Sorry to disappoint."

"I need a hit after hearing that." You laugh, making Jay want to physically melt into the couch as if his skin and bones are made of butter. You inhale the smoke like a professional and tuck your legs underneath your body to make yourself more comfortable on his couch.

"Is it that good?"

"Jay, it's like, the best show I've ever watched. It's about this guy named Trevor—who comes from a long line of monster hunters, fighting Dracula because his wife was accused of being a witch and burned at the stake. Everyone's a vampire. It's sexy."

"You like the dark and supernatural, don't you?"

"It's only the best genres ever, Jay." You take another hit from the joint. "What kind of things do you like to watch?"

"Sports, mostly. I could get into a thriller every now and then. I'm more of a music person, honestly. I don't watch a lot of movies or TV."

"Hm," you hum. "You'll have to show me what kind of music you listen to someday."

"Yeah," Jay replies with his eyelids focusing on your pretty lips. "You should come over when I'm not stoned out of my mind so I could show you my records. I feel like a limp noodle right now."

"I'd really like that. I have a few vinyls but I don't have a record player. I should bring some over."

"I'll bet you have great taste in music."

"Duh," you say playfully, smoking from the joint. "We don't have to watch Castlevania if you aren't into it. I'm sure I can find something else."

Jay shakes his head. "I'd love to see what kind of things you're into." You turn towards him and cock your head to the side.

"Yeah?" Jay nods and you smile at him like you're amused. Maybe the marijuana is making him lost his mind more than it usually does. In actuality, this is how Jay feels when he's with you, stoned or sober.

It's really hard to focus on the screen in front of him when you're sitting so close. It started at a respectable distance with his arm resting by his sides. The last thing Jay wants to do is make you uncomfortable in any way, especially because he knows you're high. It's the first time you're hanging out at his place without a bunch of other people here too. The two of you are alone with nothing but the sound of Castlevania echoing in his living room and the lingering scent of marijuana in the air despite an opened window and the fan above.

Halfway through the episode, you make a comment about how cold it's gotten since you first arrived and Jay's quick to get on his feet and retrieve a spare blanket from his room. He drapes it over you like you're something precious he wants to tuck into bed, which makes you laugh, and Jay swears he could listen to you make that sound every day without getting tired of it. Just as he's about to sit down, you open the blanket and tell him it's big enough to share, and Jay's smart enough not to tell you he's actually overheating like a furnace because his body runs warm. He'd gladly let trickles of sweat collect on his forehead if that means getting to be next to you without a barrier holding him back.

It's difficult to pretend he hasn't been half-hard ever since he watched you take your first puff. Jay was somewhat grateful that you got cold enough for him to throw a blanket over you and even more grateful that you insisted on sharing it with him. You must be doing this on purpose, right? Or is this all in Jay's mind?

It doesn't really matter. Not when you're sliding to the floor, kneeling in front of him.

Jay almost feels sorry for you. Your favorite show is playing but your back is turned to it in favor of staring at the tent that's forming in his pants. These cursed grey sweats. Yeah, maybe he chose to wear them because he knows girls go crazy for dick prints. His mind wandered to the night you bounced yourself on his clothed lap until you came and didn't seem to mind that he was rutting himself against your covered pussy. Driving home was pure torture for him but he didn't want to overstay his welcome, especially with your roommate coming home.

So, yeah. Sue him. Jay isn't so naive to think you wouldn't have paid any attention to him with these particular pair of sweatpants on. In fact, you seem to look at him like you're hungry, barely paying attention to the way he's staring down at you like he's nervous for what you'll say or do.

You catch him off guard when you nuzzle yourself straight into his lap. He nearly jumps at the contact of your nose against his dick, feeling the way you drag it up before using your lips to feel him beneath the sweats. You're slow with your movements, kissing your way from his base to the tip, feeling the way he twitches against your touch. He's caught halfway, somewhere between embarrassed and shameless as he watches you push your face right into his lap. Jay's imagined what you giving him a blowjob more times that he can count and he's had so many wet dreams of you jerking him off with your hands instead of his own. But he never quite pictured you to be the kind of girl who truly savors her time. Maybe it's because you're both high or maybe, just maybe, you like him, but Jay can hardly believe you're pushing your face into his cock without taking his pants off.

He's starting to think you're way freakier than he could've ever imagined. It's making him horny.

Eventually, your fingers hook on the band of his pants. Jay gets the hint and lifts himself off of the couch just enough for you to completely pull the fabric off of him, letting them pool to his ankles before helping him step out of them completely. He doesn't know what you do with them as he's far too excited, if that isn't completely evident by the way his dick starts to stand at attention. He's on his way to being the hardest he's ever been, he thinks. You eye him like you're hungry and you might as well be drooling because you're licking your lips at the sight of his flushed tip.

Jay doesn't know what to expect. It's been a while since he's been this turned on and watching you arch your back and pucker your lips just to press the softest kiss to his tip makes his entire body shiver. He's masturbated while high a million times before and knows what kinds of things make him tick and reach his orgasmic peak quickly. It's different with other people, though, and much different with you.

You've managed to catch Jay by surprise in more ways than one. He's confident when it comes to his music and walking through life without thinking everybody who remotely looks in his general direction has it out for him, but when it comes to girls, he doesn't think he's as experienced as Jake. Yes, he's had sex and short flings before, but they've never held any merit to what he wants in life. Jay doesn't see the use in wasting his time having mediocre hookups or entertaining people because they clearly think he's the hot loner who looks sexy when he's high (which was the case of his last hookup and the reason why he swore off of sleeping with random girls he meets at parties Jake forces him to go to).

You seem to be the complete opposite of anyone he's ever met before. You're like him in some ways—paying no mind to outside opinion. Even prior to meeting you, he's seen the way you carry yourself when you walk and how you treat people like they're a close friend even if you've just met them. He felt that way the night he properly met you for the first time and it caught him by surprise when you admitted to being serious about wanting him to text you. In a way, it's almost like you're pursuing him, even though you aren't. All you're doing is asking him to hang out and he's saying yes like a puppy who follows its owner wherever she goes. In fact, Jay wants you more than you could ever imagine. It's just that, well, you're very fucking beautiful and he's afraid he'll mess it up if you found out how often he imagines you laying in his bed stuffed full with his semen.

That, and he's scared of what you'll think if he ever admits that he'd like to take you out for breakfast after he fucks you.

"You're bigger than I thought," you say in a near whisper. Jay twitches at that and you let out a breathy laugh. It hits his skin and he tilts his head back as it teases him.

"You can't just say things like that," says Jay, looking back down at you. "You're going to kill me someday."

"Death by orgasm. Doesn't sound too bad."

"You don't know how good you look right now."

"Oh, I think I do," you say confidently, pushing your head forward to lick his slit, to which he hisses. "I know I look good sucking dick, Jay. I'm really good at it too. Do you want to see what I can do?"

"You're an evil person," he says without thinking. But you laugh like you enjoy seeing him in such agony, knowing your warm and wet mouth is almost where he needs you the most.

"Give me the joint." Jay hands it to you, watches as you inhale some of it, and feels his eyes nearly roll to the back of his head when you exhale right on his cock.

Your mouth follows soon after. Without using your hands, you dip your head until your mouth catches his tip to envelope it into your mouth, letting his velvety texture become familiar with your tongue. You're intentional with your movements as if you're really trying to savor the feeling of his hardening dick as you push him inside little by little. Because the apartment is empty, Jay can be a little louder with his moans than usually. When he knows Jake's home, Jay shoves a pillow over his face to drown the sound of his deep, breathy moans to avoid an awkward encounter with his best friend once he's finished. He should be embarrassed that he's already making all kinds of sounds the more you get his dick wet, but he doesn't care. Not when this feels so fucking divine.

Curse your shorts. When he looks down and past your mouth on his dick, he looks at your plush ass as you arch your back to fully grasp him. Jay wishes he could reach down and take that stupid fabric off of your body and he supposes he could if he really wanted to, but the tone you've set is far more sensual than how he'd like to have you. He isn't picky, though. He'd rather endure your slow, sensual torture than scare you off by putting his dick inside of you right off the bat.

Your tight mouth takes him inch by inch at a snail's pace, but there more be a method to your madness because you make him wetter with each push and pull of your head. You periodically remove yourself from him to smoke from the joint before the leaf completely burns until you become tired of not being able to use your hands. Jay takes it from you and inhales a long, satisfying puff. It settles into the depths of his lungs and when your free hand cups his balls, his head tilts back and the smoke rises as he blows it out.

You're the devil reincarnate. Or you're a demon who's wickedly good with her tongue. Maybe you're some kind of angel whose sole purpose is making him come. Jay doesn't really know what you are, but he knows you know exactly what you're doing with his mouth. He doesn't want to think about how many people have experienced this side of you before because he'd rather pretend he's the only person you've ever treated like this.

The high is pure ecstasy. Jay looks down to see your beautiful mouth wrapped up in his cock, head pushing yourself down on his long, girthy dick until your mouth stretches around it. He loves that you aren't neglecting his sack either, rolling them between your fingers until it makes his toes curl. You hum in pleasure when he moans after your index finger traces the seam, making something shoot up his spine when you do. His thighs flex underneath your touch and he sees himself glistening with how much drool is coming from your lips. It makes the glide easier and he feels the way your throat constricts around him every time you push yourself further down.

The sight of his dick completely disappearing inside of your throat is fucking sinful. You push your nose against his pelvis until your choking around him and the gagging sound makes his balls tense up. Jay tries not to drop the joint and considers finding a nearby ash tray to put it out just to avoid accidentally dropping it onto the couch or, God forbid, you. Spit completely falls from the corners of your mouth but you don't give up either. He groans loudly and uses his free hand to stroke your head as if he's using you as an anchor.

"Oh my God," Jay moans. "Your mouth is so fucking tight. Fuck, you like to deep throat?"

You pull yourself off of him, not bothering to wipe any of the drool from your mouth. He watches the way the spit connects from his tip to your tongue before you break the chain to stroke him some more and it nearly puts him into a coma.

"I can do a lot more than that," you tell him. It's like you're trying to remain playful while simultaneously wanting to show him just what you can do. And fuck, Jay's more than willing to let you do whatever you want to him.

"Oh yeah?" Jay asks coyly. "What else can that mouth of yours do?"

You don't answer him with words. Instead, you lift his cock with your hands and bow your head until you're spitting leftover drool from deep throating him right onto his balls. He hisses when the warmth hits his most sensitive area and his next moan comes somewhere from deep within him. The surface of your tongue licks it up until you're lapping at him like a kitten drinking milk. He feels the pass of your wet muscle over and over again while your hand has started to move in tandem with your mouth, stroking him while you work on his balls.

He doesn't think he's ever experienced a girl pleasing him like this. Jay's has blowjobs in the past, but it always felt like the girls he'd sleep with viewed blowjobs like it was a chore to thank him for going down on them first. With you, Jay gets the sense that you like giving blowjobs and playing with his dick because it turns you on, not because you think it turns him on. God, he's so attracted to the fact that you don't really care about anyone but yourself. That's not completely true, and he knows it, but your ability to chase after what you want without caring what other people thinks turns him on more than seeing you sucking him off (which is a lie, Jay is so fucking horny).

"Holy shit," Jay curses under his breath. He shoves the tip of the joint in his mouth and savors the feeling of that initial inhale. He groans when the smoke leaves his mouth. "You're so fucking good at this. Treating my dick so well. Fuck."

You moan against his balls, rewarding him by pushing against him even harder and squeezing his cock at the same time. Your hand is so wet and the sound that echos the room sound better than Jay could've ever imagined. His own hand doesn't do him justice, not even when he gathers enough spit to pretend his palm is your warmth mouth as he fucks into his fist like his life depends on it.

His moans seem to motivate you to make him come faster because your mouth trails from his wet and swollen sack right back to his cock. Your hand hold him by the base before angling your mouth right over him and pushing his dick past your lips. Unlike before, you aren't slow with it. Instead, your head's moving at a faster rate until he feels the gentle scrape of your teeth along his sensitive veins and the way your tongue moves in a circle every time your reach his hip. He grunts every single time it passes against his slit and feels the pressure building in his balls as if he could finish at any moment, but he tries his best to keep going steady because he wants to draw this out for as long as humanly possible.

It's beautiful how your throat accommodates his cock. With your mouth completely stuffed the more you push your head down onto his exceptionally hard dick, you choke and gag without stopping. Jay feels fucking invincible right now.

"What a good mouth," he moans, legs widening as he slouches from how good you're making him feel. "You feel so fucking good around me. Your mouth is so tight and wet, fuckkk. Squeeze my balls too—yes, just like that. Shit, you're gonna make me cum soon. I'm so fucking close."

You moan around him and renders Jay completely fucking useless because of how good that vibration feels. He bucks his hips until the tip hits the back of your throat involuntarily but you don't stop your ministrations. You keep your fast pace as you squeeze his sack in your hands, letting the drool coat them as you push him closer to his climax. He thinks about cumming straight down your throat but thinks that might be a little too much for the first time you're blowing him. Would finishing on your face be more appropriate? Every single open seems more lewd than the next, but he can't deny that he'd like to see what you look like with his semen splashed all over your pretty cheeks and lips.

"I wanna cum on your face," he moans, fighting the urge to fuck your throat like he'd fuck your pussy. "I want to drown you in my cum."

You pull off from his mouth and use both of your hands to jerk him off with his tip angled right at your beautiful face. "Cum for me. Make a mess on my face."

"Fuck, you'd let me?" You nod rapidly.

"Cum on my fucking face, Jay. I want it so bad."

You don't have to tell him twice. When he feels his balls twitch for the last time, Jay's cum shoots from his slip and hits your cheek first. His semen splashes everywhere—your lips and across your nose—as he moans, holding tightly onto the joint to prevent it from falling. It's a wonder he's able to preserve it as he comes, his hips jerking as a consequence to the intense high as he climaxes all of your face. You take it like a fucking champ, too, smiling with your eyes closed as you feel his warm come seep right onto your face. You truly are a freak if you love this feeling. You're even laughing. Jay's never seen anything hotter in his entire life.

"Fuck me," he curses as his cock softens. He takes a short drag from the joint and stares at the beautiful mess on your face, nearly choking on it when he sees your tongue dart out of your mouth to lick the cum that has landed on the corners of your mouth. "You're a fucking fein. A fein for my cum, or something." You laugh again, scooping what's on your cheek with your fingers before sucking on them. "Yeah, you really know how to make a guy feel good. Stay right there. Let me clean you up."

Jay feels terrible and leaving you in his living room on your knees with his come all over your face, but he'd rather soak a wash cloth in warm water than let it dry all over you. He comes back quickly after having cleaned himself up in a haste and gentle swipes the fabric until you're clean.

"I have face wash if you want to use it," Jay says as he wipes the corner of your eye. "I don't want my come staining your gorgeous face."

"You're so thoughtful, Jay," you reply. The sincerity in your voice is a complete turnaround from your lewd acts just a few minutes prior. It makes something swell within his soul because he's suddenly picturing his future looking like this domestic, wonderful bliss with moments of eroticism.

You take him up on his offer and make a comment about how this expensive the face wash is. Jay's mom got him an entire line of skincare for Christmas and he's a bit reluctant to admit that his skin looks so much better now that's he's actively taking care of it. You reassure him, letting him know that there's nothing hotting than people being self sufficient and caring for themselves before swiping the face wash all over your face. It takes you a good minute to completely rid yourself of his come. Jay leans against the door frame with his hands crossed over his chest, smiling like an idiot at how domestic this all feels.

Call him crazy, but Jay's the type of person to fall fast. He's learned lessons the hard way, which typically entails falling for people who don't feel the same way about him, but spending time with you makes him think otherwise. Jay realizes you enjoy getting to know him too and you never silence him when he apologizes for talking so much. There's an equal balance of talking and listening on both ends, something Jay wishes he could achieve with every person he meets. He hates getting his hopes up just for things to fall through. It doesn't matter if it's a friendship or a relationship because it's mostly the same to him. He hates people who aren't honest and deceptive. College is the time to experiment and figure out who you are, sure, but Jay has always known that he's the kind of guy who values loyalty and transparency above all else.

Despite his best efforts, Jay manages to fall for you every time he holds himself back. Vulnerability is a hard thing to come by and he's more scared of being honest about himself than he lets on. It's scary to open his heart and share parts of himself to people who aren't guaranteed to stay forever. That's part of life, but it gets to a point where being vulnerable means getting his heart stomped all over in the name of having "fun." But it's not fun for Jay and he's as honest as they come. He'd rather be alone for the rest of his life than entertain people who don't have his best interest in mind, especially when they tell him they care about him but don't mean it.

Perhaps his general nonchalance about what other people are doing intimidates those who have deep seeded insecurities that can only be fixed by pretending to be someone they aren't. Jay has this crazy theory that probably isn't true aside to feed his own ego, but his friends have said he's a mirror. He reflects every beautiful and ugly trait right back to others, forcing people to confront who they are in the midst of standing right next to Jay, who accepts himself for who he is, faults and all. He's learned that people don't typically like it when they're reminding of things they'd rather forget. Jay is as open as they come, willing to experience things for a good story to look back on or learn from past mistakes. Learning how other people aren't as keen on growing into a better version of themselves made the world look absolutely bleak and meeting new people makes Jay weary from the get go.

Despite his brain telling him to be extra cautious, he can't help but give all of himself to you. Every conversation pulls him deeper into dangerous territory but for the first time in a while, Jay isn't so scared of the unknown. Even if, God forbid, this ends in heartbreak, Jay doesn't think he'll crumble into a hollow version of himself. He'd be sad, but he'd be content knowing he gave it a shot. The act of trying is better than being held back by fear.

The two of you smoke some more and restart the first episode at Jay's request and when his hand inches towards your lap to return the favor, you intertwine your fingers with his and kiss him on the lips. We've got all the time in the world, but I really want you to watch this first. You can eat my out afterwards, you say, smiling against his mouth before kissing him again. How could Jay say no to that? Besides, his brain is short-circuiting after receiving the most mind bending blowjob he's ever had in his life. A guy needs to recover from such an experience. The fact that you, someone who refrains from physical touch, is actively clinging onto his arm and cuddling against his side is far better than anything he could've ever hoped for.

He becomes engrossed in Castlevania and the two of you end up watching another episode. Jay glances down at you every once in a while and can't help but play with your fingers the more he watches the television. All of this feels so incredibly domestic and Jay has to force himself to stop smiling because he thinks you'll view him like a lovesick idiot. Maybe he is.

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

"Do you want me to pick you guys up?" Jay asks on speakerphone as he fixes his hair with a little bit of styling gel.

"No, we're gonna split an Uber. No use coming when I'll see you anyway."

"You know I don't mind," he says casually.

"I know, baby. That's real sweet of you, but don't worry about it."

"You could spend the night and I can drive you back tomorrow morning, if you want. So you don't have to spend more money."

"Oh, Jongseong, do you want me to spend the night?"

"Of course I do," he says with a smile on his face as he hears you laugh. "I always want to spend time with you."

"You…Are such a little shit. Don't make me blush on the phone."

"Let me pick you up so I can make you blush in person."

"You two are disgustingly cute," your friend says from beside you. "Like, I've never seen her act so cutesy before."

"She's so cute when she's trying to be tough."

"That's true," says your friend. "But remember, she was mine first, okay?"

"Of course," Jay replies, "I'd never get in the way."

"Good! We'll be at your place in thirty."

"See you soon, Jay," you tell him before hanging up the phone.

You come in wearing the most gorgeous dress with golden accents all over your body. Jay can hear you before he sees you because your bracelets smack against one another every time you move and he thinks that's the sexiest thing a woman could ever do. Unlike the first time he met you, he isn't afraid to pull you by the waist and join your little parade as you walk around to greet every person you know, taking shot after shot along with the joint Jay's passing around to anyone who asks.

When you finally register Jay's presence beside you, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see the way you're eyeing him like a piece of meat. His biceps are on display along with a nasty stack of rings that make him look like walking sin. There's something about Jay tonight that makes him look extra delectable and you're looking at him like you'd pounce if there weren't so many people around. You almost parade him around like he's arm candy or another accessory for your outfit. Even Jake, who usually has to force Jay to put a little effort into coming out of his bedroom, nods in approval.

You only leave his side for ten minutes when a girl you know is asking you to help her redo her eyeliner in the bathroom, apologizing to Jay before skipping off to help her. He doesn't mind, though. In fact, he loves that you're eager to help others and make yourself available for people who politely ask for your help. You're considerate and generous like that.

"You guys look cozy," Jake says, bumping his elbow against Jay's forearm. "I can't believe you actually wanted to come out of your room tonight."

"I only come if the company's good," Jay retorts, bringing his cup to his mouth.

"Hey!" The two of them share a laugh. "She's good for you, Jay. You light up every time she walks in the room."

"That's the corniest thing you could've ever said to me."

"It's true though. I know you, man. You need to get to know somebody before you like them and you like her. You'd be crazy not to ask her out officially."

"I was planning out asking her to be my girlfriend on our next date," Jay confesses. "She loves mini golfing and she's extremely casual about a lot of things. Hates fancy dinners and making a big show of things. I wanted to ask her when we get food, or something."

"That doesn't sound super romantic."

"Trust me, it is," Jay says. "She's the kind of person who can appreciate big gestures, but I know she loves it even more when people pick up on the small thing. She hates being the center of attention even if that's where she ends up, so I know she'd appreciate if I asked her casually. I mean, it's not casual, but it's not over-the-top, you know?"

"I totally get it," Jake says with a nod. "What's meaningful to her is more important than looking 'romantic.'"

"Exactly. Don't get me wrong, though. I'll wine and dine her as long as she lets me."

"I'm sure she'd appreciate that."

"But for now, I know she's got a lot on her plate and the last thing she needs is something to stress her out even more. She'd probably say no if I made a whole show of it."

"You're so attentive and I think that's probably why we're friends," Jake says, patting his friend on the shoulder. "You'll be a great boyfriend."

"This is oddly mushy."

"Yeah, it feels weird not to bicker with you." Jay tilts his head back and laughs when he sees you walking out of the bathroom.

"Are you boys up to no good?" You ask, leaning against the wall to look at the both of them.

"Depends what you mean by 'no good,'" Jake teases, raising his eyebrows at Jay before snickering to himself.

"Does he know something I don't?"

"No."

"Yes."

"Okay…" You trail off, squinting your eyes before laughing. "Whatever it is, I don't want to know unless I need to know."

"You're in good hands," Jake says, nodding at you before making an excuse to leave. He winks at Jay when you aren't looking and leaves to find your friend.

"Jake Sim is a weird motherfucker," you say against your cup. "But he's harmless, right?"

"As harmless as they come. I think he likes riling me up."

"We all do."

Jay laughs too. "You look beautiful tonight.

"I look hot, don't I?"

"I'm trying to be respectful here."

You kiss his cheek. "You are such a gentleman, Jongseong. But you don't need to be like that thing me all the time. I think we've crossed that line ages ago."

Well, shit. His cock might as well be stirring in his pants now that you've given him the mental image of all the times he's seen you naked.

"You look hot and I'm going to fuck you when you're ready to leave," he says in a low murmur, his voice steady like it's something he's something he's been thinking about all day. You press a small kiss to his jawline.

"I can't wait."

The two of you could technically make a break for his bedroom, but you're clearly having a lot of fun drinking with your friends and sharing Jay's joint with everyone who wants a hit. Jay, too, is enjoying himself for the first time in a while now that he recognizes some of the party goers. It's easy to have fun when the people he's surrounded with seem to want to talk to him too. You clue him in on inside jokes and he has the time of his life playing bartender, mixing drinks for strangers with the very limited knowledge he has after one summer bartending because he was bored. He's a hit with everyone who wants alcohol and he gets extra bonus points for having a stack of joints readily available in his pocket when the one he smokes runs out. It pays to be a man with marijuana and a lighter.

Jay's newfound role has garnered a lot of attention. From girls specifically, since tonight there seems to be double the amount of people than usual. Jay doesn't really pay much attention since he's too busy peeking at you from the corner of his eye, sending a wink your way with every drink he serves. You, however, have gravitated closer towards the bar station every single time a girl comes up to him to strike up a conversation or worse—touching his arm while trying to play it off as something casual. He'd shrug it off, of course. The only girl he wants is you.

You make haste and appear by his side in record time, handing off drinks like you're being paid to do it. Jay doesn't miss the way you squeeze your way in between himself and a stranger trying to fish for attention. It's kind of hot that you've pushed her away with the touch of your hip, barely intruding while smiling politely like you've done nothing wrong. He would've said something before you got there. It's not like the two of you haven't been draped all over each other all evening, so really, everyone here should know he's off limits.

Jay isn't oblivious to the sudden switch of your mood every time a girl comes up to him.

It's funny to think that a month earlier, girls usually pursued Jake. Jay knows he comes off as this aloof, barely-there kind of guy, like someone too intimidating to pay attention to for the fear of failing. He's the embodiment of the classic rock star: wickedly good at guitar and an attitude that screams do not fuck with me. Jake is an easygoing, open kind of guy. He'd take any chance to make a new friend. It's part of him charm, but it's not one he shares with Jay.

You're a very sweet person. Blunt? Yes, but you always say it like it is and don't coddle people to make them feel better when there's no use. Jay loves that about you. He doesn't have to guess where your head is at or question your intentions because you're upfront and honest. He can count on you to tell him the truth, which is a skill most people lack. It's refreshing to meet somebody who can put her heart on the line while maintaining integrity. People tend to say one thing but disregard it's meaning until it becomes something new entirely, but not you. You're Jay's safe space whether you realize it or not.

This new emotion—jealousy?—is something new for Jay to see in you. You both have breached the threshold of being touchy the first time you dry humped in your bedroom. You've been much bolder now, but it's only escalated to grabbing his hand and letting him hold yours. There's an unspoken line that has yet to be crossed, never mind the fact that you gave him the best head of his life not too long ago.

But tonight, you're clinging onto his arm like a koala and pressing your body against his side. It's because you're wearing a tank top, you muttered in disgust as you watched yet another girl cower away underneath your gaze. They're looking at your fucking biceps. And you're letting them.

Jay is thoroughly amused. You have an edge to you, even if this is a side you don't show anybody else. From the beginning, he got the sense that you were the type of person to keep vulnerability at arm's length. But the way you're acting tonight tells him you're jealous. You, the independent and secure girl he's crushing on, feel protective of Jay and his body. Entitled, even. But it's so fucking sexy to be desired by you. It boosts his ego, sure. He's a man who thinks with his cock sometimes and you're no exception. Mostly, Jay's turned on by how much you desire him too. It isn't the attention. It's you.

He wouldn't stoop so low to exploit that. Jay would've told these girls to fuck off if you hadn't said it on his behalf. It's kind of cute, honestly. You resemble a baby lion trying to roar for the first time. To these other girls, you bark like a guard dog. He doesn't even think you know how intimidating you look when girls lower their gaze to the floor and back away from the two of you cautiously. Serves them right, honestly. Can't they see that he clearly isn't interested?

"Freaks," you mutter under your breath. "They're all freaks for coming up to you when I'm right here."

"I probably should've worn a different shirt." You shake your head, hands running from his bare shoulders down to his bicep. You give him a squeeze and he feels the tips of your nails digging into his skin.

"You look really fucking good, Jay," you all but moan.

"Did those girls bother you, baby?" Jay asks, turning to face you. He sets his drink down on the counter and cages you in between his hands.

"They should know better than to talk to you," you say without stuttering, your lips barely touching his own. "I hate that they had the audacity to think they have a chance when I'm the one you want."

"You're the one I want," Jay whispers against your lips, stealing a soft peck. The innocent sound of lip smacking makes his cock ache and he can't help but pull you closer to try and relieve even an ounce of friction.

"These freaks can go fuck themselves." God, you found so sexy when you're jealous.

"You know what I think?"

"What do you think, Jay?"

"I think that we should ditch this party and go back to my room," he says, caressing your covered ass. "We can light a joint and smoke a little. Get away from the crowd. How does that sound?"

Your eyes dart from his lips to his eyes. "Take me to your bedroom, Jay."

He's grabbing your hand without another word and hauling you off upstairs. Jake sees the two of you pass him by and gives his friend and encouraging two thumbs up, to which Jay can't help but roll his eyes but he laughs anyway. The noise from the party subsides but a little bit, but he can hear the music and the murmur of the crowd even with the door closed.

There you are, looking like absolutely devious in your short and tight dress all up in his bedroom. You've been up here a few times and take perch on his bed like you always do when Jay walks towards his nightstand and opens his drawer to pull out marijuana and rolling paper.

"I was going to do this on our mini golfing date," Jay says, busying his hands with preparing another joint. He hears you move across the bed after having kicked off your heels, knees padding until he feels you right behind him. It calms his nerves to feel your arms wrap themselves around his shoulders, mouth pressing against his ear as you little his skin in soft little kisses.

"What were you going to do?"

"Ask you out. Properly, I mean."

"Are we not already going out?"

He stills, dropping the materials from his hands to turn around and face you. God, you look so gorgeous like this. By now, he's already learned that the black makeup around your eyes make you look like a sexy feline and the scent of your almond and cherry perfume make his senses go crazy. Jay would be absolutely crazy to think you'd stick around forever if he never communicated his feelings to you. With his hands now free, Jay pulls you close by your waist.

"I wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend on our mini golfing date," he admits. "I know you're not into big gestures because it puts you on the spot and I know you hate being put on the spot. I wanted to do is casually. Maybe after the last round or whenever we left to get food. I don't want to make you feel like being with me is just sex or getting high. Or anything other than dating, really. I like you a lot. I think I have since the night we met and I don't want you to think I'm interested in other girls because I'm not. I want you."

For as much as Jay thinks he knows you, his heart pounds in his chest like a beating drum that refuses to stop. Part of being vulnerable and putting himself on the line means being honest about his feelings and to his delight, a beautiful smile graces your lips until you're leaning forward to put your mouth on his. It's a soft, simple kiss that makes his head spin and you pull away with his lovesick glint in your eyes he's never seen before.

"I'm not the best with affection but it's different when it's with you, Jay." Your arms come to wrap themselves around his neck, pulling his face impossibly close to yours. "Being with you feels right. Like I never saw you coming, you know?"

"I know," he murmurs, softly pecking your lips. "I'll make up for this shitty confession, I promise. Be my girlfriend?"

"You're so stupid, but I think you're really cute," you whisper with a smile you can't seem to contain before kissing him again. "You were right by assuming I'd want you to ask in the most casual way."

Jay lets out a strained sound from his throat. "Yeah, but a bunch of girls tried it with you tonight and basically ruined my entire plan."

"Mm okay, I'm still mad those girls clearly couldn't see we're together. But I think being honest is more important than how you ask, you know?"

"You are a fucking dream, baby," Jay says, pushing his lips harder against you until you giggle into him. "It's real cute how you got so jealous."

"I wasn't jealous."

"Territorial, then."

"Mhm," you confirm with a single nod, smiling against him. "People need to know what's mine. That's all."

"Yours?" He asks with an amused grin. "I like the sound of that. I'll be your trophy husband."

"Husband," you say, testing the word on your tongue. "Awfully sexy of you to imagine me as your wife."

"I've been imagining taking a wedding dress off of you since our first date," he confesses without shame. "I don't mind being your trophy husband."

What starts off as an innocent kiss turns into something erotic quickly with your back resting comfortably on Jay's mattress while his body's on top of yours, reminiscent of the time he first saw your apartment. The kiss grows hungrier with every moment that passes by and the inebriated haze has slightly worn off because of the stone cold, sober truth of Jay's confession. He doesn't spare you another pass at being a gentleman because he's learned that you trust enough to allow him to take whatever wants. Jay knows you'll tell him to stop if it comes to it. And in turn, he's learned that it's okay to desire someone so much that he loses control.

Jay pulls away to catch his breath and the whine that escapes your lips makes his cock jump in his pants. He laughs at your neediness and laughs again at your immediate silence when you realize he's grabbing the marijuana to roll a joint for you.

"I wanna roll one on your body," Jay says, eyelids growing heavy the more he visualizes it.

"Fuck," you moan. "I think that's the hottest thing you've ever said to me."

"Can you take your clothes off for me, baby? I want to see that gorgeous body of yours."

The music thumping from downstairs serves as the soundtrack for tonight. You make haste and get off of the bed as Jay sits on the edge with his legs open as you face him. Jay's dick hardens during his own personal strip tease and he watches the way your soft hands run all over your body like you're the devil trying to seduce him. Your fingers catch underneath the hem of your short dress but you don't take it off like he thinks you will. No, instead you reach underneath to pull off your black thong until you pull it down your legs at an agonizingly slow pace before tossing it in his lap.

What's a guy to do? Jay grabs your panties and hears that melodic laugh of yours he loves so much. He squeezes it in his hand—is that a wet patch?—while the other palms himself through his pants the more you twirl around for him, making a show out of jutting your ass out the more you sway your hips to the muffled bass from outside. When you do finally take your dress off, Jay intently watches the way you slowly expose yourself to him. His eyes rake over the first peek at your bare pussy, your torso, your tits, and finally your face as you toss the dress somewhere behind you.

"Come here," he beckons, throwing your panties to the side when you take a step closer to him. He makes room for you in between his legs, using his hands to spread your own apart until he has a view of you from the front. Jay lifts his finger to run a single digit over your folds and relishes in the way you moan from above. "Have you been wet this entire time?"

"I've been wet since our phone call."

"My poor baby," he tuts, letting his finger slowly glide against your wet lips, occasionally grazing over your clit. Jay doesn't want to miss a single thing and looks at the way you struggle to maintain eye contact with him. It's so cute and hot at the same time. He lifts his finger to show you the wet glisten before licking it clean, groaning at the first taste. "Delicious as always."

"Fuck," comes your whine. Jay feels you trembling between him.

"Come lay on the bed for me. I want your ass facing me so I can use it as a table, yeah?"

You make haste and Jay hums in satisfaction, standing to grab his materials before making his way over to you. He feels the way your eyes watch him and looks at the way you're laying comfortably on his mattress, arms tucked underneath your head like you're in some kind of blissful state of mind. You look delectable like this. Jay has half a mind to pull his cock out and push it inside of you right now since you're wet enough, but he holds himself back because in his opinion, there's nothing better that drawing out orgasm after orgasm while high.

He doesn't immediately put the paper and marijuana on your body. He lets curiosity get the better of him and allows his fingertips to drag along your upper back, tracing an invisible line down the curve of your spine before he reaches your ass. You part your legs instinctively and Jay mutters a quiet good girl that makes you clench against absolutely nothing. It's so hot. He bends down and presses a kiss to your slit and licks your arousal right off of his lips before pulling back to grab his materials, letting them rest on your back as he gets to work.

You crane your neck to watch as he focuses on rolling the joint without spilling. Jay's done this a million times, but he's never had the pleasure of fixing one on the prettiest girl he knows. It's clean and quick. He's managed not to spill any of the marijuana as he grinds it, expertly placed the leaf inside of the rolling paper, then uses his fingers to push it into place until it's snug. Jay folds the tip of the joint before pushing the excess paper down and presents you the most gorgeous, fat joint you've ever seen in your entire life.

"You can do whatever you want to me," you blurt out.

"Whatever I want?"

"If you fuck me within the next minute, yes." Jay laughs and grabs his lighter, holding it up to the end of the joint until it lights up. He takes the first hit to ensure the joint burns properly before passing it along to you, happily watching as you eagerly inhale.

"I'll fuck you real good," he promises, taking his shirt and pants off the longer you smoke. "I want to do it my way. I want you to feel that aching burn between your legs until you can't think of anything but cumming on my cock. I want you needy and desperate for me."

He takes his clothes off and feels his dick throbbing when he watches you smoke on his bed. It's a sight right out of a wet dream and he's probably thought about this exact moment a million times over, using this exact fantasy to get himself off more times than he can count. You've maneuvered onto your back and Jay marvels at your gorgeous tits when you bring the joint back up to your lips. He puts both of his knees on the bed and knocks your legs open to put his body right where it belongs, stealing the joint from your hands before smoking it again. Your mouth welcomes his exhale when he leans above you. Like clockwork, the smoke travels from his mouth right into yours and Jay feels your chest arch right against him just as your lips touch. He's careful not to drop the weed as he watches the way your eyes become more red by the second. Jay's positive his eyes look exactly the same.

"I'm gonna eat you real good," he mumbles as he drags his mouth along the column of your neck, trailing wet kisses down your skin.

The cool drag causes goosebumps to arise, making you gasp right into the open air. Jay takes his time, stealing another smoke when he makes his way to your chest and he makes a pit stop, handing you the joint before using both of his hands to cup your tits. They spill over just the way he's always pictured and he brushes his thumbs against your perky, sensitive nipples. Jay marvels at the sight the more he toys with them. He becomes entranced from the high, zeroing in on the way your tits move and spill from his fingertips. Jay pinches your nipples and relishes in the way you gasp at his touch, which makes him laugh and lean down to lick one of them.

"Perfect tits, perfect body," Jay moans, attaching his mouth to your hardened bud. His tongue rolls right over it as he makes himself comfortable between your legs, his own body relaxing with his cock sandwiched between his torso and his mattress. The sound of his lips sucking on your nipple and his hands squeezing on your chest like they're his own personal stress toys makes you moan in deep pleasure, letting the high consume you like never before.

He moves onto the neglected bud with his eyes closed, moaning around your most sensitive area. He loves how responsive you are with your quiet moans and your chest pushing against his face. Jay's mind is in a haze the longer he has his mouth on you, dick swelling with every breath he takes like his life's purpose is to kiss every inch of your skin.

Jay doesn't stick around your tits for very long, especially not with the way you're accommodating his body by spreading your legs open for him. He kisses down the valley of your breasts and reluctantly lets go of your chest to venture down your torso, dragging his lips and leaving messy wet kisses in his wake. He grabs the joint from your hands and inhales before tapping it hard against his ash tray to kill it before gripping your thighs and blowing the smoke right against your wet hole.

The sound you make is indescribable. It's somewhere between primal and desperate, especially when the forced air makes contact with your wet lips. Jay watches the way your hole twitches in anticipation and sees the way your hands grab onto your chest for stability from the corner of his eye. Your arousal drips from you like a waterfall and he hastily licks a strip up your slit. When he reaches your clit, he lets the surface drag slowly with the kind of pressure that makes your legs shake in their place, allowing his tip to flick over the sensitive bud. Jay witnesses you throwing your head back like you're starring in your very own pornography film and the view of from below makes you look like walking sex.

Jay descends with his tongue lapping at your eager pussy. He tastes every crevice and fold you hide while gripping onto your thighs to keep your legs open for him. He feels your resistance and laughs against you like this whole affair is for his entertainment only. But really, knowing he could get you to fall apart on him like this is the cherry on top. You're the most put together person he knows. Watching you lose your mind on his tongue feels like his greatest accomplishment.

"I love watching you fall apart," Jay moans against you, pushing his tongue inside of you. He hears you cry out his name and grip his hair as you tug in response to the sudden intrusion, keeping his tongue stretched out to thrust it in and out of your wet hole. It's a tight fit and he can only image what it would feel like to slide his engorged cock inside of you.

Your arousal slips and falls from the corner of his mouth along with his spit when Jay starts to grind his dick against the bedsheets. Your hips start to roll against his tongue like you're chasing your own high too. It's so hard for you to keep still and for your legs to remain on the bed, that much Jay can tell for sure. You're writhing underneath his touch despite his best efforts to keep you in place, but his pride swells with every cry and moan. Jay pushes his mouth harder against you, sucking and slurping on your folds like he's trying to eat you alive. He doesn't care if spit dribbles down his chin nor does he particularly care about keeping this ordeal clean and tidy. Unlike rolling a joint, Jay wants sex with you to be messy. He wants the nasty, filthy, horny affair to feel raw.

The high makes his skin buzz and his body feels like it's at an all time high. It feels so good to rub his bare dick against the bed, listing to the loud moans escaping from your mouth. Never mind the fact that his room isn't technically sound proof, but the music is going a great job at drowning out the sounds from his bedroom. Not that Jay would mind, of course. He doesn't think you'd care either. In fact, you'd be happy knowing other girls could hear the way Jay's making you feel.

"Fuck Jay, your tongue feels so good. How did you learn to eat pussy like this?"

He chuckles, dragging his tongue to kitten lick your clit. "You like it when I have my mouth on you?"

"Yes—fuck!"

"Mm yeah, love it when you make that sound," Jay says after he spits directly on your clit. He lets his digits trace your folds, dipping the tip of his pointer finger tip into your hole. You tense up against him but he tuts, shaking his head. "I won't have that. Open up for me, baby. Relax and let me feel you."

"S-So sensitive," you mutter.

"Already? How are you gonna take my cock?" Jay mocks, pushing his finger inside of you until you adjust around him. He can feel your pussy squeezing around him already. "I need to make sure you get a taste of what's to come. Need to watch you fall apart on my mouth and fingers."

"Fuck!"

"Yeahhh. That's right, honey. Make those pretty noises for me." The pet name makes our eyes roll to the back of your head and your grab a fistful of his blankets the faster he pumps his finger inside of you. Jay adds another finger and fucks you faster, relishing in the way you're moaning like your life depends on it. He bends his head down to lick at your clit at the same time and the sensation is overwhelmingly euphoric for the both of you. From here, Jay watches your mouth hang open and your hands clutching his bedsheets like that'll give you stability. It's so hot the way you're falling apart on him.

Your orgasm completely washes over you the longer Jay laps at your clit. He stares at you as best as he can while trying to keep you still before him, but your rolling hips make it difficult for him to focus on helping you feel out your high. He tries, though, removing his fingers from your pussy to grip your thighs so hard that you buck against his face and rut all over him.

"You taste so good," Jay moans when your body finally subsides. He keeps licking the remnants of your orgasm, catching every last drop on his tongue before it gets the chance to escape him.

"I don't think I've ever had anyone eat me out like that," you say, catching your breath. "You're eager."

"Eager for you, yeah."

"So cheesy." Jay watches you hide your face in your arm like you're too shy to admit how much that turns you on. He laughs at your bashful nature and kisses his way up your body, temporarily stopping at your breasts to lick around your nipple and tug at them with his teeth. You reach down to grip his cock in your hands after you've spit directly into your palm, twisting your writ to jerk him off when he removes himself from your chest.

Jay looks down and watches your smaller hand around his girthy, thick cock. He can barely register his reality because of the marijuana and remembers he still has half the joint left. With the flick of his lighter, he's smoking once again and pushes his head back to blow the excess smoke towards his ceiling, moaning when you squeeze him.

His attention resumes on your hand when he feels you press the underside of his cock against your wet slit, watching the way your hips grind against his bare dick. The tip is just shy of breaching your hole every time you grind yourself against the head and Jay bucks his own hips in response. He gets a preview like this, watching exactly how far he'll disappear inside of you. It makes him crazy to see you like this, too. Pre-cum leaks from his slit the drips down your onto your pussy to make an ever wetter mess, the sound of the splash ringing in his ears the more the two of you grind against each other. He passes the joint to you and you eagerly accept, inhaling a long puff and expertly holding it in before exhaling.

You nearly drop it when Jay angles his dick to press the entirety of his cock into you. He catches you by surprise as he's able to grab it from your fingers before it falls onto the bed. The stretch is already unimaginable and he takes his sweet time pushing himself into you, allowing his gaze to fall where the two of you connect. Jay witnesses as your tight, velvety walls make room for his thickness and you're taking him like the champion he knows you to be. Jay drags his cock out and thrusts shallowly to let you get comfortable with his impressive size. His eyes roam across your body until they land on your plush lips and he bends down to steal a kiss while keeping the joint steady in his hands.

You eagerly kiss him back as if his mouth distracts you from the initial pain of his dick. Jay keeps fucking into you little by little, letting the sound of your shared arousal echo within the room. "You hear that? Baby. That's all you. You made us this wet." You tense around him and clench at his words, lips chasing his own in a messy kiss the more he pushes himself inside of you. "Your pussy's been aching for me, hasn't she? All the times we've fooled around prepared you for this, honey. Feel my cock. Feel it go in and out."

"It feels so good."

"I know it does," he says, kissing the corner of your mouth. "Feels so good when you're high, doesn't it?"

"Yes," you moan. "I'm so fucking horny, Jay."

"I know you are, baby. You're so wet."

He kills the joint for the last time before tossing it on the ashtray to focus on you. The last push of his cock feels like pure heaven as his balls hit your ass cheeks the second he bottoms out, and his tip hits the deepest part of you. Maybe it's the high or maybe it's because sex with you is no longer a mere fantasy, but Jay can feel every movement from your twitching hips to the way you're constantly clenching around his dick.

Fucking you is insanely different than fucking his hand at the thought of you. Your walls enclose around him like a vice meant to keep him addicted to you forever. Every single drag and thrust of his hips makes Jay lose his fucking mind because his dream girl is underneath him with her legs spread wide open for him to fuck. Jay collapses right on top of you the second your arms pull him by his neck. He doesn't fight, his body already soaring through his high like he has the ability to fly. The combination of Jay's attraction and the his inebriated state contributes to how his arousal that seems to be never ending.

Your hole is so slippery. How can one person be this wet? Jay thanks whatever god is listening to him the more he ruts himself against your lap like a crazed sex addict. Or, he sure feels that way since you're gripping him with your pussy and your arms, pulling him impossibly close to you like you're trying to become one with him. Jay doesn't mind feeling your sharp nails down his back. He grunts at the mental image of the red lines decorating his skin when he gets the chance to look at himself in the mirror. He'd do anything to see you get off on his cock.

Jay buries his face inside of your neck and lets his warm breath fan over your skin. The entire room smells like weed and sex, two very important things to Jay. He can't remember the last time he was so horny that he thought his dick would fall off the longer he fucks himself into a tight hole, but your wetness paired with your angelic moans continue to push Jay closer and closer to his first orgasm. He's determined to keep himself from coming too quickly, though. He kisses along your neck and doesn't care that he's probably moaning too loudly against your ear.

"Harder," you croak, voice dry from the marijuana and from the constant moaning. "Fuck me harder."

You don't have to tell him twice.

Jay positions your legs on both of his shoulders, admiring the way your tits look. They're big and round and they jiggle every time he moves your body to put you in the exact spot he wants you. The way your nipples move at every slight movements makes Jay kiss the back of his teeth and slot his cock right back into you before he pushes his cock and his chest forward, effectively bending you in half.

His cock reaches a whole new angle the more he's able to push himself down. You cry out a broken moan when his dick pierces a new depth and he silences your cry with a kiss to your lips. Spit falls everywhere the more your mouths mash together, tongues fighting like the two of you are locked in an intense battle. Jay repositions himself until his legs are spread wide, the balls of his feet planted on his mattress before lifting his hips just thrust into you with a newfound strength that makes your eyes squeeze shut.

He drinks up your moans like it's liquor. Jay's abdomen tenses as he holds this position, feeling the burn in his legs the longer he uses his strength to push and pull himself in and out of your body. The drag is delicious. It's so good that he hisses and closes his eyes to focus on the feeling of your wet cunt gripping onto him like you're afraid he'll leave if you aren't tight enough. Sweat has formed along his forehead and your bodies are slippery from the sexual workout, but it adds to the intensity of it all. Jay has never felt enamored with a girl like he is with you and the sheer magnitude of his attraction outweighs any drug he's tried in his lifetime. He'd happily quit smoking marijuana if you asked him too. But lucky for him, you can keep up.

"Tightest pussy in the world," Jay groans, slamming his cock into you and holding your body underneath him until you're pinned between the mattress and his chest. His cock is lodged deep into your pussy with no signs of letting up and the way you squeeze him from the inside out is enough to make Jay feel like he's seeing stars. "Are you always like this? Do you always make people feel so fucking crazy?"

"Just you," you say, barely able to speak from the intensity of the position.

"Just me," he repeats, grunting through his nose. "Only me, baby. Only I can make you feel like this."

"Only you."

"Only I can get you high like this," he grunts, lifting his hips to slam them back down onto you. You cry and it sounds like a fucking hymn. "I want you to cum like this. Can you do that for me, honey? Cum right on my dick."

And you do. It's like a command, almost. He knows you've been holding out and waiting for him, but you deserve to come as many times as you want without asking for his permission. He loves knowing he can get you to feel as free as you do without worrying about other people. It's so sexy that you're as considerate as you are, but as far as Jay's concerned, you could come on his cock a million times over and he wouldn't care about getting off it you were satisfied.

He feels the tension in your body as you focus on your orgasm. Jay moves in tandem with you, letting his cock impale your pussy and pushing past your hole when you clench around him. The tightness squeezes him until his tip is hitting the very spot that makes you scream out his name like it's a prayer, and you come like you've never experienced such an orgasmic high before. He feels you come. Jay savors the way your body arches as you reach your peak and it takes everything in him to stay as still as he is, his abdomen aching and his legs burning from holding this position. But it's worth it to watch the way you fall apart on him completely.

"You're so hot when you cum," Jay mumbles against your lips, letting your legs fall from his shoulders and allowing himself to break from his previous hold. He kisses over your lips to soothe you as he slowly rocks his hard cock in and out of your pussy, using your orgasm as lubricant. "It makes me wanna fuck you within an inch of your life."

"Do it," you taunt, smiling up at him with a fucked out grin that makes Jay think you're a succubus. Your lack of a refractory period is pure insanity. He can barely believe your pussy doesn't ache from his mouth, fingers, and his cock. Or maybe it does but you aren't saying anything. You're taking it like a fucking champ.

"Bend over," he instructs, pulling his cock out to stand while you turn your body over. He strokes himself in the meantime, watching as you spread your legs and arch your back like a feline waiting for its reward. Your pussy is on full display in front of him and he can't resist getting on his knees to shove his face in your lap again.

There is no rhyme or reason to it anymore. Jay has turned into a dirtier, hornier version of himself the more his high climbs up an invisible mountain. His tongue licks over your delicious folds and licks up every drop of your come like it's syrup spilling from a maple tree. Jay makes a complete mess of his face and slurps at your wetness, drinking your sweet nectar like it's the only thing he could ever imagine in his mouth.

He lets go of his cock to grip your ass cheeks and moans straight into your pussy when he ruts his cock against the side of the bed, thrusting every single time he pushes his tongue deeper into your wet hole. You moan before him and push your ass right against his face, making him bury himself deeper into your hole as though he never wants to leave. He doesn't, really. He'd be perfectly happy if he died with your pussy on his tongue.

Jay removes himself from your pussy when he feels himself get closer and closer to the edge. The soft material of his bedsheets would be enough to throw him off the deep end if he isn't careful. He gets back on his feet after licking up a stripe and pushes his tongue up your slit until he licks your wrinkled hole. Your body tenses at the strange sensation but you aren't completely turned off by it. In fact, Jay notices your legs spreading even wider as your back arches deeper like you're in some kind of trance. He takes his chance and spits directly into your tightest hole with a slow drip, listening to a moan that comes deep within your chest the second it hits you. He brings his thumb to gently rub it in, temporarily neglecting your pussy to watch the way you're writhing as he brushes his finger over your asshole. It's incredible how responsive and trusting you are. If he was a worse person, Jay would put the very tip of his cock right against your hole. But he isn't and he figures if you liked it enough to endure his curiosity, you might let him try putting his dick in there one day.

He lines himself with your pussy again, flicking the head across your folds to gather enough slick. Jay lets his tip pass over and over again until you're whining like you'll die without his dick. The desperation in your voice turns him on so much that he feels his balls twitch when you let our a particularly high-pitched noise. It's enough to make him sink back into your pussy, hands gripping your hips for stability. He feels his own legs shaking from the new angle and the sight of your back arching in front of him.

Without a single warning, Jay fucks you. It's the kind of pace that only occurs when he's so horny that he can't think about anything other than finishing himself off. You claw at his bedsheets and manage to grab one of his pillows to hold against your chest. His blunt nails dig themselves right into your meaty flesh as he brings his right hand to smack your right ass cheek. The sting is incredible and he must assume you love this kind of pain because the long, drawn out moan rings in his ears like it's Christmas. He smacks your ass again while he bucks his cock into you like a madman, spanking you over and over again until he feels a bit sorry for the pain he's causing you.

Jay's sack bounces against your puffy clit with every thrust and he's positive you've started whining because you feel another orgasm approaching. He wishes he could hold himself out longer too, but the two of you are higher than a pair of kites in the sky and your incredible moans and tight pussy push him to his limits. He clenches his ass to prolong this feeling, hissing at the intensity of your walls gliding against him every time he drags his cock out of you just to push it back inside your hole.

"One last time," Jay grunts, reaching one hand to toy with your clit and making you moan into his pillow. "Come for me one last time, yeah?"

"C-Come together," you barely manage to say.

"Yeah, baby. Let's come together. Fuck, give it to me and I'll give you my cum too."

Lost in the chase for his own orgasm, Jay's knees nearly lock when he's about to come. He braces himself at the very last second and falls until his cheek hits your upper back, feeling the way you clench around him before finishing for the third time. Jay follows soon after, spilling his seed directly into your hole without ceasing his hips from fucking it back into you. He doesn't care that the mixed cum starts to seep from where you're both connected, nor does he care that it's starting to drip down onto your thighs. He keeps thrusting until he's managed to overcome the peak and ruts into your hole.

When all is said and done, the only thing that registers is his heart beat and your breaths. Jay kisses the back of your neck with such tenderness that it pulls a satisfied moan from your throat. He can't help but laugh and twitch inside of you as his cock grows soft. You eventually push him out with a single clench, feeling the way his dick falls to your thigh as leftover semen seeps from his slit and onto your skin. The room is hot, wet, and far too overwhelming to properly come down from the insanity of tonight.

"You did so good, honey," Jay murmurs against your shoulder, peppering sweet kisses as you close your eyes. "My good girl. My sweet, sweet baby."

"I'm your baby," you whisper in a fucked out bliss.

"That's right." He nods and brings his face to yours, kissing you once before turning your body over to face him. Jay brushes your hair out of your face and cups your face, his thumb caressing your cheek. "Are you okay? You sounded a little dehydrated."

"It was the weed," you say with a quiet giggle. "So worth it, though. But I could go for some water."

In record speed, he's able to clean the both of you up and fetch some water from the kitchen without making too much conversation. He avoids Jake, who looks at him and whistles as he walks back to his bedroom. To his surprise, you're up on your feet and digging through his closet with one of his shirts draped over your body.

"Aren't you beautiful," he says, bringing the water up to your lips. You laugh at the absurdity but drink from his hand anyway.

"I can drink by myself, you know. I'm a big girl."

"Yeah, but I like the idea of taking care of you."

"Are you still high?"

"Yeah." Jay laughs. "But I'd tell you that sober too."

He beckons you to climb into bed next to him after he's opened all of his windows. After the intensity of sex, the softness of your head resting on his chest pulls a smile out of Jay. Your leg rests atop his own like a needy koala, but he doesn't mind. He loves it, in fact. He's positive you can hear how fast his heart is beating.

"Breakfast tomorrow?" You whisper already half-asleep. Jay kisses the crown of your head and pulls you closer to him.

"Sleep. I'll be here in the morning."

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

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[paarksunghoon]

CHAPTER ONE: I DON'T LIKE MY MIND

SUMMARY: the only thing standing in the way of winning an olympic gold medal is park sunghoon, an arrogant, self-righteous athlete you’ve known since you were five. fortunately, you know how to handle him. unfortunately, your life is about to get much more complicated before you get the chance to wear that medal around your neck.

WORD COUNT: 13.5K

WARNINGS: rivalry in the form of bickering & arguing, self doubt, mentions of a physical injury, mentions of divorce & typos, probably.

THE PLAYLIST ⟡ SERIES MASTERLIST ⟡ INBOX

There is nothing that would bring you more satisfaction than permanently wiping the smile off of Park Sunghoon’s face. 

During the last twenty-three years of your life, people have described you as having a flair for the dramatics, oftentimes over exaggerating things by explaining everything like it’s a life or death situation. They say you’re loud and a little too sharp with that tongue of yours to the point where you’re incapable of being quiet, even when you’re told. The truth is, you hold back more than what races through your mind when you come across incompetent people who don’t know how to be considerate of others. There’s nothing you hate more than smug people who constantly get away with bad behavior because everybody loves them so much. Is it so wrong to have a sense of justice and morality when the world seems to overshadow good doings? 

It’s not like you walk through the world with an agenda or a chip on your shoulder. Not really, anyway. In fact, you’d argue that you keep to yourself most of the time and that your assertiveness only comes out when absolutely necessary. It’s not your fault that you’re opinionated and it’s certainly not a crime to speak your mind instead of holding your tongue like most people do. Maybe you come off a little blunt or a little too strong from time to time, but that’s more than people are ever willing to be. Nobody is honest nor loyal these days. Everybody would rather smile and stick up their noses instead of saying what they really mean. 

God forbid a girl speaks her mind. People hate you when you speak your truth but tell you to use your voice when you don't. There never seems to be any way for you to win in any capacity. It's bad enough that all of Korea had their eyes on you during the peak of your career back when you felt untouchable. There was no mountain too high and no valley too low for you, only great heights you'd yet to reach. And for the most part, it seemed like minding your own business did wonders for both your public image and personal life, but with budding fame comes opinions and entitlement you weren't ever prepared for. During your time competing, publicists and managers prepared you for press conferences and how to sweet talk your way out of answering difficult questions. Nobody ever prepared you to face tens of thousands of people who only cared about who you were off of the ice.

It's as if you live in your head all the time. The bubble you wrap yourself in is a protective layer, like an overcoat thrown on top of a thin cardigan in the winter time or sunglasses to prevent your eyes from burning during the summer months. It keeps you insulated, hidden away from anybody who only cares about the gossip and drama of the industry you find yourself in. Being perceived like some kind of fictional character who has no choice but to do as a script says startles the shit out of you, especially when journalists and strangers alike ask you personal questions you've never thought to address publicly.

It's been well over a year since the accident. When are you returning back to the ice?

You were spotted getting dinner with fellow Seoul division skater, Choi Soobin, just last week. Is there a budding romance we should know about?

Is there any hope for you and Park Sunghoon?

Ugh. You wish people would let this die. Can't a girl have dinner with one of her peers without people thinking it's a date? God forbid that Soobin's schedule was so jam packed that he could only meet you with the evening before he flew out to France for a competition. It was a welcome-back-to-the-division dinner anyway. Poor Soobin, who was so kind when he said he wanted to treat you to a meal as a warm gesture. He went relatively unscathed, though. It seems like people care more about your personal life than your career.

It doesn't stop there. Reporters hound your inbox for interviews (how did they get your personal email anyway?). After your managing team ceased activities with you because of the prolonged hiatus, the idea of facing publicity alone nearly made you lost your mind. The constant bombardment and harassment from journalists wanting an exclusive about your accident became too much. People didn't care about how you were doing; nobody ever really cared to ask you how you felt and how you were coping with a broken leg due to a stupid accident that could've been avoided had you been more careful and less cocky. But it's too late for that. Hiding always seemed like the best option, so you ignored emails from strangers and told yourself you'd come out of the shadows when the time felt right.

But my goodness. People seem to love talking about Sunghoon. In particular, they love talking about a once promising partnership that abruptly ended due to unknown circumstances. Nobody really knows what happened. Hell, you don't even know if you know what happened.

For the last decade that you’ve known Sunghoon, he’s been nothing but a prim and proper asshole who gets on your very last nerve. It didn’t always used to be this way, but ever since the two of you decided to take a leap of faith and become serious about your respective careers in figure skating, it’s been nothing but cold wars and silent battles between the two of you. He’s arrogant, standoffish, and a little too proud to be known as ‘Park Sunghoon: Ice Prince.’

He’s the type of person people naturally believe in. It doesn't take much for people to pour their unwavering support. Nobody ever questions the successful medalist that comes from a wealthy and affluent background full of relatives who are successful in all types of industries–athletics, medicine, law–while you struggle to get people to take you seriously. It doesn’t matter that you’ve got an entire backstory that makes your career look like the poster child for starting from the ground up; humble beginnings and hard work doesn't seem to matter if something shiny is overshadowing something honest. Sunghoon is the kind of person people want to believe in because he makes succeeding look easy. 

He’s the type of person who could lie straight through his teeth and everybody would still believe him. All he has to do is point a smile into the camera and people would fall over with that disgustingly charming grin of his that used to make you feel like you could fly if that’s what you really wanted to do. But that’s how conventionally attractive people make you feel, isn't it? They make you believe that you, too, could be as successful as him and make it look just as easy. Sunghoon is Korea’s golden boy, always parading around the media like he’s the most perfect person to have ever existed. No scandals, no career-ending rumors, and certainly no failures that would make people doubt his ability to be out on the ice. He's the kind of person who knows all the right things to say at the right times, and it doesn’t take much for people to believe him for all he’s worth. Well, that’s the Sunghoon he chooses to portray when he knows he’s in front of an audience while you have to work twice as hard for people to notice your efforts. A smile and the wink of an eye can only get you so far, but it could launch Sunghoon to the moon. 

He irritates you, especially when he’s watching you practice. 

“Do you have anything better to do than breathe down my neck?” 

“How can I do that when I’m all the way over here?”

Sunghoon leans against the rink, elbows plastered down onto the ledge as he leans forward to watch you skate. You can’t tell what he’s thinking, especially with that stoic look on his face that makes it hard to tell what’s racing through his mind at any given time. He’s always been your antithesis—calm under pressure with a great poker face. His ability to be calm under the tension after spending years at each other's throats drives you up the wall. Sunghoon might as well be inspecting your free practice with the way he’s watching you as intently as he comes off. There’s never any subtlety when it comes to him. Over the years, you’ve learned to read his body language more than what comes out of his mouth because while he might be able to bite his tongue, the way he uses his body to speak tells you more than he ever would. 

“I don’t appreciate you nitpicking my technique while I skate.” 

“I didn’t say anything.” 

“You thought it.”

“Oh really?”

“Yup. You look at me like I’m the worst figure skater in the world and try to burn me with your eyes. It's concerning.”

“I never implied such a thing," he says with a smirk that makes you want to scream in his face, "but if the shoe fits.” 

“You’re such an ass.” He really is.

Sunghoon's tongue prods against the inside of his cheek, poking at his flesh like he finds this whole exchange amusing instead of irritating like you do. It seems as though he finds absolute pleasure when it comes to digging himself under your skin and making sure you feel like he doesn't particularly like or care for you. It's a shame, really. The Sunghoon you knew from childhood would've looked at the version standing in front of him with shame and disgust.

“Don’t get it twisted," he says. "I’m here because I have a session on the books and it just so happens to be right after yours.”

You scoff. “Right. You 'just so happened' to book the rink after me. This is the third time this week. Say you’re obsessed with me and call it a day. How about that?”

“You don’t own the rink. Don't think I'm going out of my way to watch you skate."

"Yeah, right."

"I booked a practice because unlike you, I actually have a competition next weekend.” 

The inability to compete because you have yet to qualify since coming back from your accident is something that cuts you deeply and he knows this. Using it against you makes you want to do something you might regret.

Steam practically comes out of your nostrils when his deep voice cuts through the cold air, echoing inside the building like he isn’t afraid to let you know exactly how he feels about you. He talks with such arrogance and nonchalance that it makes you want to pick a fight with him out in the open, consequences (and potential police charge) be damned. Would it kill Sunghoon to match your anger instead of brush you off like a fly buzzing around in his personal space? Every time you see him, he acts like he doesn't know you. He acts like he never carpooled with you to skating practice or get boba afterwards, no matter if the session was a good or bad one. Whereas you remember all of the small details, Sunghoon seems to have forgotten them all. It pains you to admit just how awful it feels to be forgotten by somebody you once thought would be in your life until the very end.

The ice underneath your skates feels like it’ll melt and swallow you whole as you skate closer to where Sunghoon is standing, just beside the entrance. Even from up close, you can sense the disdain radiating from his body and it’s unfair that he still towers over you even when you’ve got extra support from the metal underneath your skates. Everything about him makes you want to close your eyes and think about a world where he doesn't exist to torment you every chance he gets. Hell, his presence is enough to make your skin crawl.

“Don’t push your luck," you say before you can stop. "I have every right to be here, just like you.”

“Oh yeah? You’re telling me you transferred from Busan to Seoul because you think you’re good enough to skate for us?”

“Watch your mouth, Park,” you mutter through your teeth, tongue pressed against the roof of our mouth for some kind of stability. “Don’t say things you’ll regret.” 

“There’s nothing to regret. You aren’t ready to compete and that's fact.” 

“Are you trying to piss me off?”

“Nope. You seem to do that on your own.”

Nobody makes your blood boil like he does. Sunghoon talks like he’s God’s gift to earth and believes it, too. Conceited people who get their confidence from the approval of other people will never cease to amaze you. Sunghoon has everything—looks, talent, money—and yet he still chooses to be a downright asshole who would love nothing more than to make sure you never set foot in this rink ever again. It’s bad enough that you’re coming back from an extended break that negatively affected your career and how you're perceived by the press. You don’t need Sunghoon, your sworn rival enemy, to witness you get back on your feet. You always dreamed of seeing the look on his face when he realizes you’re the most valuable skater not only in the club but in all of Korea. All of Asia, if you feel determined enough. Instead, he’s watching you practice basic combinations you both learned when you were juniors to get yourself reacquainted with the ice before jumping back into axels and perfecting your lutz jump.

“You’re an asshole,” you say, muttering under your breath. Sunghoon merely laughs at you like he’s brushing you off. Again.

He doesn’t spare you a glance as he steps foot onto the ice and skates as far away from you as possible. The huff you let out is enough to nearly knock the air out of your lungs because of how angry you are, and you don’t sit on the benches outside the drink to take your skates off like any sane person would. Instead, you chuck your skating bag over your shoulder and walk straight into the locker rooms to decompress. 

Who does Sunghoon think he is to be talking to you like that? Before everything that happened in the last year and a half, you two were on par for skill level and recognition. It didn’t matter that Sunghoon’s charm came effortlessly and fooled the media far better than you could’ve; your grit and determination was enough to sustain a positive relationship with your audience, and you’d argue that your tenacity is one of the reasons why people enjoyed keeping up with your career just as much as they loved Sunghoon. He could rely on status and money. Whereas he had a one way ticket into exclusive events that could boost his career, you were limited to whatever the Busan Club publicity team could secure for you. And if there’s anything you know about the skating elite, it’s that exclusion seems to be the name of the game. Bastards. These people wouldn’t know real talent even if a blade cut them across their cheek.

It’s not like you do this for money or fame either. Figure skating is your sanctuary and it always has been. The ice rink is where you go to clear your head and rid your body of negative energy that’s built up over the years from pent up stress and issues you’ve yet to work through. When the music blares through the speakers, your feet take you across the ice to the point where it feels like you’re flying right into the stars. The cold never bothers you, even when the self-made wind is whipping through your face and making your lips feel that much more dry and cracked. The fame that comes with this career is only a byproduct of where you eventually want to go–the Olympics. It comes with fame and notoriety, and it’s unfortunate that you have to play the delicate game of who can be the most famous one in the room, but you’re willing to sacrifice your dignity if that means making sure you reach all of your dreams. 

There’s nothing that could touch you while you’re on the ice. Nothing but Park Sunghoon, apparently, because now that you transferred back to the Seoul division after returning to figure skating. It wasn’t your call, not really, anyway. Busan no longer had a spot for you and the physical therapy facilities that your doctor had referred you to upon being cleared to compete again is in the epicenter of Korea’s skating community. You’d have to be a fool to pass up this opportunity, even if that means joining Sunghoon’s division and being in the same facilities. Running into him was a no-brainier, you just wish it wouldn't happen so often. 

The door to the locker room opens and you watch as Coach Kim Minjun walks towards where you’re sitting on the wooden bench. You stand up after you’ve finished tying the laces to your sneakers and start to pack up your belongings when he walks in front of you, leaning back onto the lockers with this lazy smile that looks too relaxed for how you’re feeling. 

"You and Sunghoon are still going at each other's throats, I see."

“Do you make a habit of walking into the girls locker room or should I be worried?” 

“We're in the gender neutral locker room.” You look at the door sign and see that he’s right. 

“Oh.”

"You remember what we talked about, right? You guys can't be bickering out in the open like this. Don't let him get to you."

"He started it."

"Oh yeah? What did he say?"

"He didn't need to say anything. I could tell he was judging by the way he was watching me."

"Or maybe he was waiting for you to be done with the rink so he could practice."

"Ugh. Are you taking his side?"

He shakes his head. "No. I'm looking out for your and that head of yours. Before you know it, you'll say something you'll regret and you won't be able to take it back."

"I don't care. He's so rude."

"He's a boy in his twenties."

"We're both twenty-three and even I know not to judge other people. I guess women mature faster than boys," you say sarcastically.

"You do throw verbal punches at Sunghoon whenever you can."

"That's because he deserves it."

Coach Kim sighs. "I’m not asking you to be his best friend. But maybe ease off of the steam. Play nice with him. He’s been part of the Seoul division longer than you have.”

“We joined at the same time.”

“True, but you transferred to Busan and skated with their division for eight years. Sunghoon has seniority throughout this club.” Whatever.

“Coach, you of all people know how much he loves to crawl under my skin and stay there for as long as possible. It’s like he doesn’t know how to leave me alone. He's been bugging me since we were preteens and hasn't let go of anything, even after I moved to the Busan division. I wasn't the one who completely stopped talking to my best friend after I chose another girl to be my doubles partner. I wasn't the one who was offended when I told the truth.” 

"You could always be the bigger person."

That's laughable. "Yeah, right. When has being the bigger person ever helped anyone? My feelings get swept under the rug and Sunghoon gets to keep all his trophies."

“I won’t stand here and deny that you're right,” he agrees, “but I’m not his coach. I’m your coach. I’m looking out for you in the best way I know how.”

“Oh yeah? How’s me being nice to Sunghoon gonna help me get back into competitions? What does he have to do with my career? Nothing, I'll tell you that more.”

“Well, for starters, you won’t be as angry to the point where you miss basic combinations.” Ouch. He’s right, but ouch. You sigh and sit back down, leaning forward to bury your head into your knees. "It's not about what Sunghoon can do for more your career. It's about how you view this path. You came back to Seoul to recover quicker instead of waiting another six months. You left Busan for the chance to compete at the Olympics. None of that has anything to do with Sunghoon, but in order for you to be laser focused, you need to stop letting him make you so angry. It clouds your judgment and it makes you the kind of skater who second guesses herself."

“I can’t help it. He makes me so mad for so many reasons and I can’t seem to tune any of it out. I hate that I get tunnel vision when it comes to him. I just want to rip his head off.” 

Coach Kim sits next to you and puts a firm but gentle hand on your back. He’s been calming you down from outbursts ever since you met him when you were seven and he was there when The Great Fallout of 2014 occurred. Your coach is one of those people who could talk you off of a ledge and you know the soothing hand on your back is his way of trying to get you to come back down to Earth. 

“I’m telling you this because I care about your career and because I care about you as a person. You can’t let things get to you. It’s no good for your mental psyche and it certainly isn’t good to store pent up frustration when you’re out on the ice. That’s what causes you to make mistakes. You’ve been in your own head for the last few months because this anger of yours is blocking you from succeeding. And it doesn’t need to look like an Olympic gold medal right now. It just needs to look like confidence back on the ice.” 

“You really think so?” 

“Look, I’ve watched you grow as a skater, both in and out of this rink. You’ve given so much of your childhood for the chance to be something great. I’ve seen you cry and throw tantrums. I was there when your father died. I know what resilience looks like and it looks a whole lot like you.” 

“Transferring to the Seoul division isn’t helping my anxiety,” you admit, pulling yourself upright to look at Coach Kim. “I feel like everybody here is judging me and my abilities, especially after what happened. I feel like a fucking outcast. I feel like I’m a child learning how to skate all over again. God, I probably look like a baby deer walking for the first time when I'm out there. Pathetic."

"You're not pathetic," he reassures. "You did amazing during out session today. It'll take some time for you to feel completely comfortable on the ice like before the fall, but that's just part of life; we have to get back on our feet after we've been knocked down. You need to focus on making the ice rink your home again instead of being afraid of it. I know you want to complete at the Olympics and you'll get there when you let go of things that don't deserve you anymore."

"You're making this out to be really philosophical. I'm not sure figure skating requires all this forethought."

"Ah, young one, now that's where you're wrong." Coach Kim laughs when you make a sour face. He's such a dad. "Figure skating is all about elegance and passion. It's sensual and energetic. There's something powerful about being on that ice in front of hundreds of spectators waiting for you to make a mistake. This sport is about our mental resilience, too. It's not always about who can do the fanciest jumps and who trains the longest. Being an athlete is an extension of yourself, and you can't be who you are if you're letting other people tell you how to be."

"That was…very profound. Which is weird for you."

"I have my moments."

"Your daughter must get tired of this real fast."

"Oh, I'm sure she does. I won't stop embarrassing her until I'm dead."

"And me, apparently."

Coach Kim smiles. "Especially you."

"I have to wonder if this is all worth it. My body aches and my brain is screaming at me when I'm not asleep. Everything hurts."

“You’re not the first person to stumble and fall, though. Take me, for example. I broke my leg in a skiing accident just before I was set to compete at the winter Olympics back in ‘99. It killed me when I had to forfeit my spot to another skater, but three years later, I managed to qualify my way back onto Team Korea. And how many Olympic medals do I have?” 

“Four.” 

“Four,” Coach Kim repeats with a smile. “Every career is different. I agreed to help train you because I think you can make it to the Olympics one day and because I know who you are. You’re the girl who kept getting up from the ice after falling from learning how to do a single axel, even though your knees were bleeding through your tights. You juggled school and practice at the same time and lost a lot of people in the process.” Your eyes drift away from him for a second to look down at your lap because yes, there are people you've lost that you wish you could have back in your life, even if you don't want to admit it. “You’re a tough kid and I don’t want you to lose yourself because some guy doesn’t think you have what it takes.” 

That makes you laugh. “You might be the only person who hates Sunghoon as much as I do.”

“I don’t hate him. I’ve known him for as long as I’ve known you.”

“But you said he’s just ‘some guy.’ You even emphasized it.” 

“My daughter tells me I need to be more ‘man hating’ and I think I’m inclined to agree, especially if you're the one I'm coaching. She takes after you like that.” 

“Sweet Ara,” you say with a pout. “I miss her.”

“She misses you too. She’d rather be at the rink watching your practice instead of going to class.”

“Can’t blame her. I always ditched class if I could." He grins at you when he knows he's successfully managed to get your mind off of Sunghoon. "This was a much needed conversation."

"I'm your coach. I always known what you need." Coach Kim laughs and helps you up from the bench. “Remember, you’re allowed to feel angry and frustrated, but don’t let that consume you to the point where it’s all you become. You started ice skating because you fell in love with it. Don’t let Sunghoon be the person who ruins your first love for you.” 

“You’re right. I’m sorry.”

“No need to be sorry, kid,” he says, pulling you in for a side hug. “We all get better with time and practice. Your body’s healing and so is your heart. Be gentle with yourself. Oh, and do you need a ride home today? I’ve got some paperwork I need to finish but I’ll be done in thirty minutes.”

You shake your head. “No, don’t worry about it. Jungwon’s picking me up.” 

"Tell him I'll text him because I need someone to babysit Ara next weekend. The wife and I have been trying to find some time for the two of us and our scheduled finally aligned."

"Sure thing. His ass probably doesn't have plans."

"Aw, don't be so mean to Jungwon."

"Ha. That will never happen."

"See you tomorrow!"

Coach Kim leaves the locker room and the sound of the heavy door swinging echoes in your ears like a distraction to your thoughts. There's some merit to what he's trying to tell you, but you've always been the kind of person to let your heart dictate how you feel. The stubbornness comes from your father, or so your mother would always tell you. There's no use trying to sway your opinion if you've got your heart dead set on something. For as great as this determination is, it's also what brings you great heartbreak.

Sometimes, it's hard to turn off negative feelings. Wallowing in depression and the accumulative pain from over the years is more familiar than putting on a brand new smile every time you get out of bed. Pretending like everything is fine started to wear you down the minute Korea became aware of your budding career in figure skating and dealing with public scruitinity as such a young age taught you to harden your exterior to prevent the wrong kind of people inside of your guarded walls. You can fake a smile when absolutely necessary, true. But you don't keep up the facade when you know you'll never get anything good out it. It's better to cut the conversation short than waste anyone's time.

It's so goddamn hard to feel like you belong here when Sunghoon makes you feel like you don't. He's never been the type of person to act irrationally. He sits back and watches you like a hawk as if you're the next person he's going to sink his talons into. Sunghoon is sharp and venomous, choosing his words carefully and arranging them in a sentence that almost always manages to leave you a fuming, angry mess. You hate that you can't do anything to dig your way underneath his skin in the way he's underneath yours. Sunghoon doesn't have to do much to make you seethe with fury. Looking at you and acknowledging your existence is enough. In a perfect world, the two of you would be mere acquaintances who can play nice when you're both in the same room and then call it a day. But Sunghoon can be as petty as they come when he really wants to be. A snide comment here and there lodges into your brain and it becomes the thing you obsess over. You hate that he makes you act this way. You hate that you think about him at all.

When you walk out of the locker room to the front door, Sunghoon stands in the middle of the ice rink with his back facing you, arms stretched on either side of him as if to mimic bird wings. Before you can think, you move behind the corner and conceal yourself from view just as the music starts to play on the overhead speakers. Onmyoji II Main Theme. The slow rise to crescendo sinks itself underneath your skin until the strings sink their teeth into your bones.

Sunghoon glides over the ice like a swan emerging from slumber. He's precise and graceful when he moves his arms above and beside him, outstretching himself as if to elongate his body. Sunghoon doesn't falter when his rotation around the rink morphs into glorious spins that resemble dancing atop of a frozen lake.

He moves like water, commanding attention of an empty arena like you'd be able to hear a pin drop if you listened closely. The smooth turns and the way his blade glides atop the ice makes Sunghoon look effortlessly poised. He dances like every chance might be his last, his body fluid with every stretch and coil, yet firm with a perfect posture and controlled balance. There is no doubt that Sunghoon is a skilled athlete who can adapt to anything. He possesses an otherworldly ability to look like he's prancing around the rink like this warm up is nothing, when in actuality, this routine is better than everything you have to show for during the last few months back on the ice.

You hate that you can't honestly admit that Sunghoon is beneath you as a figure skater. There's no denying his talent and hard work. Everybody believes he's the next generation of athletes bound for the Olympics with how he makes this sport look like a mere walk in the park. Sunghoon has always made everything look so easy. It's part of the reason why you work twice as hard and train like your life depends on it and it's a damn shame that he hasn't been the kindest ever since you returned to your home rink.

He's arrogant and thinks he's God's gift to Korea, but goddamn, is he a good skater. Part of your animosity is just how fucking unfair it was that you left Seoul to train in Busan with a whole new coaching team because of sports politics and Sunghoon's sudden distaste for your friendship. While you suffered this tremendous loss, he was able to practice in his own facilities with coaches who have been supporting his career since the very first time he signed up for classes. People pay attention to skaters as talented as him. It makes you jealous in ways that forbid you from ever acknowledging this truth, pushing this seed of insecurity so far back in your psyche that is disappears until you watch him out on the ice.

When the music ends, you can hear his coach slapping from the sidelines as Sunghoon holds his final pose. You watch his chest heave up and down, a clear sign of great exertion and physical effort, and yet he managed to make his routine look flawless and effortlessly beautiful. It leaves a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach. What if you'll never feel as talented as that?

Sunghoon, too busy talking with his coach, doesn't see you walk to the front door. He doesn't see you stealing glances at him as you walk outside either.

You'd never live it down if he did.

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･ﾟ

"Start the fucking car, Jungwon."

"No. You kept me waiting here without texting me for twenty-two minutes after you said you were done with practice. Do you know how important and valuable my time is?"

"Oh come on, It wasn't that long. I was talking to Coach."

"Sure felt an eternity," says Jungwon, turning the keys in the ignition. His black 2014 Lexus IS roars to life. "I'll be damned if you waste me and my baby's precious time."

"You're annoying."

"Takes one to know one."

"Can we please just get some food? My stomach lining will disappear by the time you drive out of this parking lot."

Much to your chagrin, your best-friend-slash-cousin laughs like your annoyance is the funniest thing he's witnessed all day, bearing his teeth the longer he smiles. He's a careful driver, looking at both rear view mirrors as he backs out of his parking spot, but that doesn't stop him from laughing at your impatience.

The music in Jungwon's car is far too happy for your liking. Bedroom pop blasts through his speakers when he turns right out of the parking lot and the low-fi beats make your ears ring like there's a drum stuck in each ear canal. You can feel the bass thumping from the passenger seat even though it isn't very loud–Jungwon loves to feel the music and has his settings adjusted accordingly, ensuring it rattles against the doors and underneath the seats. You don't know how he can stand it without getting so overstimulated. When you see Jungwon's phone sitting in the center console in one of the cup holders, you grab it and pause his music.

Jungwon turns to glance as you with a frown. "Why'd you turn it off? A drive needs music."

"The place is four minutes away."

"I need music during those four minutes. I don't want to deal with your ass," he says without any real venom.

"I've been listening to music for the last two hours. I need a break."

"Fine. But only if you agree to split pork skewers with me."

"Duh. Who do you think I am? I'll never say no to pork skewers."

The route is familiar enough to make both of you feel like the four minute journey took no time at all. Jungwon parks in the usual spot (in the corner by the trees because he wears nobody ever parks there) and the two of you usher yourselves into the small, unassuming restaurant that has seen better days. But it's your favorite and Jungwon has grown to love their fried seaweed balls because it's perfectly crispy and not too oily. No other restaurant or food stall could ever come as close to Corner Pocha.

"Are you gonna tell me why you look like you're about to stab that rice cake to death?"

"I can barely pick it up with my chopsticks. The sauce is too saucy."

"Mm, sure."

"It is. Maybe we caught them on a wrong day."

"You'd dare raise your tongue against our beloved Corner Pocha? Do you think this establishment would serve us well the next time we want to eat here past midnight?" The whine that comes from your throat betrays you.

"No. I'm sorry, Corner Pocha," you say, exasperated. "I didn't mean to blame you. You know I love coming here to get drunk off of soju and beer."

"Alright," says Jungwon, "now that we got that out of the way, do you want to tell me what's got you so bothered?"

"Nothing's bothering me."

"You just apologized to this restaurant like it could hear you, dude. Plus, you've gone this distant, crazy look in your eye that makes me think you want to burn down the ice rink."

"I don't look crazy."

"Keep telling yourself that." A groan from you can't be helped but Jungwon pays no attention to it. "Look, you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to, but it might help you feel better. I know what you get like when you're stuck and talking it out has always pulled you back into reality."

"Wow, spoken like a true cousin and best friend, or something."

"I also know that you use humor deflect," Jungwon points out, pointing a raised eyebrow at you. "Making jokes is all fun and games until you start internalizing it. You know that better than anyone."

"Talking about my feelings makes me so…bleh. I hate it. I wish I was a robot who only needs food and sleep to function. No feelings, no emotions, just my body on autopilot. Matter of fact, nobody look at me or perceive me. I don't want to exist as something people can think about."

The waiter comes by your table to bring the rest of the food, providing a needed break in the conversation. Truthfully, being open and vulnerable, even to your best friend who you've known since he was born, is scary beyond your wildest imagination. Being honest comes easily to you when you aren't directly involved. You always try to do your best and see things from an objective perspective until you're the one with rose colored glasses on. Thinking about what makes you frustrated makes you feel weak and incompetent, almost like a child begging for attention in the most unruly of ways. Why is it so hard for you to move on with your life? Why do you keep letting your insecurities get the better of you? And why are you the one who's expected to shoulder so many burdens while everybody else gets to smile for the camera?

Jungwon never makes you feel like that, though. The two of you have known each other since childhood, when his parents moved closer to the neighborhood you grew up in. Divulging feelings—the good, the bad, the ugly—has become second nature to you when it comes to Jungwon, but every so often, talking about the big feelings that weight on your soul becomes too unbearable, even with him. Why must your head tell you that your best friend will think less of you the more honest you are? Building up thick concrete walls around your heart has become natural to you over the last decade and a half. You hate being let down. Guarding your heart behind a steel cage keeps you in control of who can touch you. If other people don't have access to the deepest parts of you, the safer you are.

It's so hard to keep everything to yourself. Most days, you feel like a bubbling mess that's threatening to spill over at any second. The metaphorical water boiling in your metaphorical pot simmers aggressively to the point where the bubbles getting bigger and bigger with every minute that passes. Someone is surely bound to get hurt eventually and that person is most likely you.

Despite this, you know you'll always have Jungwon.

"Is Sunghoon messing with you again?"

"When isn't he? He looks at me like I'm still that little girl learning how to skate," you say in between bites with a scoff. "I don't know why he has it out for me, Won. He was the one who didn't want to be doubles partner with me back when we were junior skaters. Sunghoon chose Sooha over me, not the other way around."

"I mean, you did tell him that he looked like he snuck his way onto Earth when a magazine tabloid posted a photo of him with some acne. You said that to his face, might I add."

"He deserved it. That thing looked like a crater."

"It was a tiny zit."

"Semantics," you say, waving your hand in front of you. "Sunghoon deserves to be knocked down a peg or two."

"Do you think he still deserves that?"

"Yup. He's so full of himself. He walks around like he was put onto this planet for other to gawk at. I mean, what's so good looking about him anyway? He has a nose and he has two eyes. Oh, would you look at that! Sunghoon looks like every other guy walking the streets of Korea."

"You know damn well that motherfucker is attractive."

"I have no idea what you're talking about," you reply.

"Denial is all I hear."

"You're my best friend and you can't even back me up?"

"I'm an ethical hater. I'll nitpick people apart with the truth until they're nothing but ash and dust, but I refuse to insult people if it's not true and Sunghoon is objectively hot."

"You're objectively annoying."

"You only call me annoying when you know I'm right and don't want to admit it."

"You infuriate me."

"Yeah, yeah. That must be why we're having lunch together, hm?"

You sigh pinch the bridge of your nose. "I don't know how I'm going to continue training here if Sunghoon uses the rink too. Like, he couldn't find another time to book his practice sessions? Why does he have to be there when I'm there?"

"I'm on your side and you know that, but you have to admit that what you're saying is a bit ridiculous. You and Sunghoon are part of the same division whether you like it or not, which means sharing the rink. That means having overlapping practices and during free skate."

"Ugh. I know I sound ridiculous, but everything should go my way because I spent nearly a decade trying to get over the fact that Sunghoon stopped talking to me when we stopped training together. I don't know why he didn't want to be my doubles partner in the first place and maybe I never will. I just want him to stop acting like I fucked up his life since I never did that."

"Maybe he wanted to try something new?"

"Why couldn't he have told me the truth, then? Why did he start ignoring me unless we were in front of the cameras? I don't understand any of it. I'm usually good at keeping my composure but fuck, seeing Sunghoon multiple times a week and knowing he's competing while I'm stuck getting reacquainted with the ice makes me feel so fucking weak."

"You're not weak," Jungwon responds immediately, knocking your chopstick with his. "You're someone who's been through a lot in the twenty-three years you've been alive. You of all people know there's no quick fix to pain, only time and patience."

"Well, I'm an impatient person."

"Believe me, I know."

"It's really hard not to shove my fist down his throat. He's so fucking cocky and he smirks like he's trying to remind me that I'm beneath him. He makes me so angry. All I do is breathe and Sunghoon will have something to say about it. I wouldn't be surprised if he wanted me dead."

"He probably doesn't want that."

"Whatever. I hate that I have a chance of running into Sunghoon and I hate that I can't see when he's gonna be there just so I can avoid him. The system we use to book our slots is fucked up. I should talk to the board and make them release the schedule so I know when I can enter that goddamn building safely."

"You can't live your life avoiding him forever. What happened to my steadfast cousin who made men eat their words for breakfast?"

"Sunghoon is different," you tell him. "He isn't worth my time. I don't want to invest any energy into him than I already have. He doesn't deserve to hear another peep from me."

"What are you gonna do when you have to see him next?"

"I don't know. Try to look the other way, maybe? It's tempting to give him a piece of my mind when he looks so smug. I wish I could slap that permanent smirk off of his face."

Jungwon sighs. "There's no hope for you two, is there?"

"Nope. If Sunghoon wants to pretend I don't exist, I'll do the same thing. We can be be civil."

"It's not him I'm worried about." You make a face at Jungwon but he smiles at you, knowing well enough that you'll never really punish him for saying what he feels.

"It's not just Sunghoon. He's the reason why I'm stressed out every time I come into the rink but I'm also focusing about my recovery and getting back into competitions. What's the point of training if I'm never gonna get better?"

"You suffered a nasty fall and broke your leg, dude. That's not something you bounce back from quickly."

"Everyone keeps telling me to give myself some grace but nobody knows what I'm going through right now. I'm behind everyone, Jungwon. I know I have Coach Kim, but I don't have the coaches I've trained with for ten years since they're still in Busan. I don't know how he managed to convince the Seoul division to let me transfer back."

"You've only been back for a few months and your physical therapist said the recovery process would take longer because it wasn't just a broken leg. You suffered a fracture to your wrist and hip pain, too, not to mention the trauma of doing it in front of an audience."

"I know, I know," you say, sighing into your tea cup. The ice is a refreshing sensation compared your face and neck, which has warmed up significantly since the conversation began. "I was dealing with a lot. Breaking my leg was the cherry on top."

"It's not your fault."

"It is my fault that I couldn't land properly."

"Okay, well, everything leading up to that moment wasn't your fault. Sunghoon chose to end your friendship with you even though you tried really hard to make it work. Losing your dad wasn't your fault and moving to Busan wasn't your fault either. I know it was tough, but your mom made the right choice to move you somewhere away from all of this."

"Coming back here feels like a mistake most of the time," you admit to Jungwon. "I feel like I'm back at square one. I'm that little girl who didn't know how the world worked until I lost Sunghoon and then my dad. And now I'm just…supposed to get 'better'?"

"People expect too much of you."

"I think I expect too much of myself."

"That too."

"Ugh. Life should be easy for me and I shouldn't have any problems, like, ever. Don't even get me started on Sooha either. Did I tell you she's still competing with Seoul? I guess her and Sunghoon decided to take a break from being partners after a few year. She never looked to join another division. I haven't run into her yet and thank God for that."

"Yeah, I've been keeping up with the news. It's a little funny that the three of you ended up skating for the same club."

"It's my nightmare."

"No, it's your chance to one-up Sooha and rip her a new one."

"I'm not going to push her down just so I can get my career back to where it was."

"Mm, maybe. But we both know you'll do it if it comes down to a it."

A hint of a smile graces your lips. "Whatever happens to her by cosmic karma is not up to me." Jungwon's laughter echoes through the restaurant. It's nice to be laughing with him after the day you've had. It almost makes you forget about Sunghoon.

"There's a lot to unpack and I think your therapist should get a raise for all the stuff you're dealing with."

"I can never be too careful these days. I might not be famous like Sooha or Sunghoon, but I know how much the press love gossip whether it's true or not. Anything to run a story, I guess."

"Have you ever checked out those online skating forums? They gossip about the personal lives of athletes instead of the actual sport. It's entertaining."

"I used to," you say. "But it's draining now. You of all people know I was obsessed with how what people were saying about me online. I never want to get into that head space ever again."

"People are brutal, especially teenager girls on Twitter."

"I would know."

"Yeah, that's why I refuse to get into arguments with you over text because you know how to read me to filth."

"I'll be damned if I hear anybody talk about how hot and muscular Sunghoon is. I mean, don't people have more to say instead of talking about how attractive he is?"

"I've always known you had a thing for Sunghoon."

"I do not! I'm only telling you what people say about him."

"You wouldn't be mad if it wasn't true."

"T-That's not true! I'm mad any time people bring him up."

"Except when we shit talk him."

"Exactly."

"Honestly, I thought you two had a thing until you moved to Busan. Everyone did."

"I can't believe people believed such a thing."

Jungwon purses his lips and looks like he's about to say something else, but he doesn't. The waiter comes by with the bill and both of you split it right down the middle, signing each receipt before heading back into his car.

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

It feels like you can't catch a break these days. Your body’s still recovering from your fall and, quite frankly, so is your ego. All of the pent up rage stored in your ribcage echo like banging drumsticks against a concrete wall. Your thoughts are loud and abrasive, cutting away at the silence as you close your eyes to sleep. Every hour spent in the rink or at the gym is an hour you push yourself to the absolute limit, pushing the boundary like it's being held by a rubber band that refuses to break. The only time you think about what's troubling you is when you're alone underneath the shower head or when the moonlight spills into your bedroom from outside. If you had it your way, you wouldn't think about what's troubling at all.

Coming back to your hometown creates a mental blockage that you can't seem to get over. It's true that everything looks the same; your favorite restaurant still makes their infamous kalguksu and the shop you bought your first pair of skates has managed to survive two different owners over the last decade Even the dog park, where you had begged your parents for a puppy to no avail, looked the same. But it feels different now that you're an adult with too much baggage to explain in a single conversation. There's more weight on your shoulders now that you're back in Seoul to train and recover. Everything might how it did in the past, but now, it feels like you're living in some nostalgia that only makes you yearn for a time when things weren't so complicated.

Your future hangs in the balance in a way you've never been able to cope with before. Of course, making a career out of figure skating and betting on yourself as an athlete has its uncertainties. You used to believe in yourself to the point of no return, as if there was nothing too big or too difficult that could stand in your way. There wasn't anything anybody could have said to make you believe otherwise, not Sunghoon or your wretched teacher from the eleventh grade that never believed you could make a name for yourself after missing her classes to compete. None of that mattered when your grit was still in tact. Life is much different now; that fall abruptly ended your season and, with it, the media came and went. For the first time in your life, you didn't know how to get yourself back on the podium.

Deep down, you know you're being too hard on yourself with your recovery and getting back out on the ice. Your leg healed much slower than the doctors anticipated and they told you there was nothing to worry about, but your brain began to imagine what your future would look like if you could not longer compete. Coaching was out of the question (until you effectively retired on your own accord) and working in the industry as a stake holder or board member instead of an athlete seemed like a step towards Hell. There wasn't anything to do during your recovery period except rest. And overthink, apparently.

Coach Kim was right when he said most of your troubles are your mental blocks that you can't seem to get rid of. There's pressure on your shoulders now in ways you've never experienced before. Once upon a time ago, you would have prided yourself in performing under high pressure where everything was at stake. But now? The frustration eats you up inside and the fear of failure keeps you from truly feeling like yourself. You can do these combinations, jump in the air and spin around like a flying swan to impress the judges, but it's always rigid. The fluidity you've been known for has disappeared. Your knees and elbows lock a little too early and don't make you look like the elegant, graceful skater you were before the accident. And the worst part? You know it's in your head and yet you can't seem to get out of it.

But you still show up. The rink sees you practicing five days a week before it opens for the public. Waking up every day at 5 A.M. is the bane of your existence until you remember that there's nothing worse than being someone who quit because a dream felt too impossible. The gym in the physical rehabilitation center sees you more often than not because true maintenance and strength comes from treating your body with care and not seeing yourself as a mere tool. It's a mind game to constantly tell yourself that all of your efforts will be rewarded to you when the time is right. It's hard to keep yourself back on track and there are days where you want to quit and retire to the countryside, relying on fruits and vegetables to keep you afloat. It's honest work, is it not? Although, you know that'll never satisfy you, so you get your ass out of bed and march into that ice rink like you own the place, Sunghoon be damned.

You made a promise to yourself to do whatever it takes to succeed. The dreams you've had since childhood aren't fantasies or daydreams that seem too far fetched. In fact, you've achieved much more than other people could ever dream of, and the forced hiatus is just another road block you need to pass through to get to the other side. It's strange to wane between despair and hopelessness to determination and desire. It's a funny feeling that sneaks up on you when you're sitting at the bottom of an empty well, looking up to the top to see if anybody's going to pull you out or if you have to climb out of it yourself. This sport is more than accolades and being known as the best figure skater in Korea; putting yourself on the map and achieving your dreams sets the tone for the rest of your life. It's why you choose to keep living.

What's been keeping you on the ice nowadays is proving to everyone that you are the athlete you've always been. Countless hours have been put in every single week to get back to the place you were at before the fall; the chance to compete in front of an audience and winning first place are within your grasp. Being unable to get back on the podium and climb the ranks of this industry means your dreams are over before you get the chance to go the Olympics.

No way in hell you'll ever let that happen.

"That was amazing!" Coach Kim shouts from halfway down the ice rink after you've landed from a double axel. "Keep your arms extended—yes! Elbows bent, not too much tension there. Yes! Perfect! Well done!"

The wind whips across your face, ponytail dragging behind you with every jump. Your skates carry you as far as they'll go with every twist of your arm and nick of the ice with the toe of the blade. Being completely in the moment and within your own body as you dance across the stage is a feeling few and far in between. It's been a while since your confidence has led you to believe you are exactly where you belong.

Coach Kim's praise and excitement ignites an open-mouthed, all teeth smile. There are rare moments when gliding across the ice feels like home again. This is one of those times.

"You're killing it," he commends as you skate closer to him. "I haven't seen you like that in a very long time. What changed?"

"I thought about what you said the other week. I used to be able to leave everything off of the ice the second I stepped foot into the rink, but it's been hard lately. I don't want to feel that helpless again."

"That's my girl. I didn't agree to train you for nothing."

"This sport has always been a way for me to escape my life and I still to love it. I want to keep it that way."

"You're being very hopeful these days."

"I'm trying out something new. I spent so long being miserable on my ass because I couldn't skate. It would be a shame if I didn't give my all now that I can. And I know I have a long way to go before the division clears me for competing. I know I need to feel this comfortable on the ice at all times."

"You'll get there, kid. I've seen you go through hard times and become a better person because of it. Being an athlete comes with many great perks, as you know, but the best one of all is being able to think clearly and make something of yourself."

"This is an oddly profound conversation for eight in the morning."

"My daughter told me I talk too much during our drive to school before I came here," he says with a laugh as the two of you skate towards the exit. "You get whatever's swimming in my brain."

And yes, you do feel a deep sense of gratitude for being able to complete a session without wanting to immediately get off of the ice and pour fresh, hot tears all over your cheeks. The locker room has seen you at your worst more times than you can count. It'll always be overwhelming to envision yourself jumping every hurdle to compete again, but it's days like this that make you believe it'll all be worth it. When you have that gold metal slung around your neck, you'll know you're one step closer to becoming the athlete you've always wanted to be.

When you step off of the ice, Coach Kim calls your name. "Could you come to my office after you freshen up? There are some things I need to talk to you about."

"Good things?" He maintains that father-like smile he always gives you when he's trying not to say too much.

"That depends."

"You're scaring me now."

"Nothing to be scared about. Cool off for a bit with a free skate and then go freshen up. You know where to find me."

His office is a few doors next to the boys locker room, just past the water station with fountains far fancier than you're used to back in Busan. In fact, everything in Seoul's facilities changed so much since you last used to call this rink your home. It took a bit getting used to, with walls that seemed familiar but different at the same time, but it still had that same sense of nostalgia that seeped deep into your fingertips.

A million things run through your mind. What could Coach Kim possible want to talk to you about? Today's practice was by far the best session you've had in the last couple of weeks, so you rule out the possibility of being dropped from the division. But maybe he was being extra nice so as to not hurt your ego if he really was giving you that kind of news… he wouldn't do that, would he?

"You're overthinking," you say aloud.

Hearing your voice echo in the empty locker room makes you feel like a damn sitcom character. Sitting alone with your head in your hands as your thoughts echo too loudly in your mind won't do you any good nor will it lessen the curiosity you have about what Coach Kim needs to say. With your bag in hand and hair freshly washed, you make your way to his office and knock on the door when you see that it's closed.

"Come in," he says from the other side.

When you open it, you're expecting Coach Kim to be sitting behind his desk, clicking away at his mouse while he checks every email he's ignored since the start of the week. He's notoriously bad at getting back to people in a timely manner (he says that physical training is more important than answering emails) to the point that you've learned that texting him yields much better results than keeping it professional by sending him an email.

Instead, you see him leaning on the front of his desk with Sunghoon sitting in the chair in front of him.

"What is he doing here?"

Coach Kim can only offer you a smile.

"Come in. Have a seat."

Reluctantly, you step inside and close the door behind you when he gestures for you to do so. Sunghoon barely looks at you, sparing one singular glance like he's trying to assess if you pose a threat to his very existence or not. Coach Kim leans back with his arms crossed in front of his chest and from the atmosphere of the room, you have a sinking feeling.

"What's going on? What is he doing here?" you ask again. Sunghoon's jaw ticks and he has to physically stop himself from rolling his eyes at you. You see it in the way his fingers clench around the arm chair and how he purses his lips like he'd trying to avoid making a scene in front of his senior. What good reason does Sunghoon have to be in here when Coach Kim is trying to have a conversation with you?

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," your coach says, averting your attention onto him. "I don't know how to put this delicately and you know I've never been one for subtlety."

"You're scaring me."

"We, as the board and myself, think it would benefit your chances of competing if you spent some one-on-one time training with Sunghoon for the next month or so."

What?!

"You want me to be trained by him?" you ask, pointing an accusatory finger at Sunghoon as he sits pathetically in the chair. Your feet carry you closer to the two of them and you drop your bag onto the floor, the loud thud deafening your ear drums. "I don't understand this at all. He isn't a coach and he's certainly not qualified to train me."

"Now hang on—"

"Sunghoon is training too," you argue. "We're both on the same level and we've been training for the same amount of time. I don't understand why anyone would think he's qualified to train me like he's my coach instead of my peer."

"For one, you took a year and a half off," Sunghoon says, looking up at you like he's got you by the throat.

"I had a reason."

"I'm sure you did."

"I broke my fucking leg."

"I wouldn't have lost my balance and fall from a double axel."

"You're a fucking asshole," you say, chest rising and falling with how hard your breathing has become.

"So you like to keep reminding me." Sunghoon barely lifts so much as his eyebrow at you. He looks bored with the conversation and that makes you even angrier.

"Let's keep it civil," Coach Kim interrupts, standing from his spot on the desk. You turn to face him, feeling Sunghoon's eyes burning right through your back.

"No dice. I'm not doing it."

"You have to."

"Like hell I can."

"That's no way to talk to your coach," Sunghoon says underneath his breath, causing you to turn your head around to glare before facing Coach Kim again.

If there's anyone who understands you better than yourself, it's Coach Kim, who saw your unbridled passion for the sport. When your life had begun to fall apart at the tender age of seven, figure skating had become a solid fixture in your life with a set routine and a set practice schedule. From Monday through Thursday at four-thirty in the afternoon, the ice rink saw remnants of your blade cutting through the solid ice, toe pick catching the floor as you learned combinations and how to grow your skills as an athlete. You never complained about bruised knees or cold hands when your mom forgot to pack your gloves from time to time. Coach Kim, who was always in his office after finishing the lesson prior, emerged from his cave just to watch you practice.

There had never been any real dream when ice skating exceeded basic training on how to start and stop. The rink became a second home to escape the one place you couldn't relax no matter how hard you tried and the chill of the building awoke your senses, forcing you to become acutely aware of your surroundings every time you step foot on the ice. Practice was discipline and structure juxtaposed to the chaos and unruly nature of your household, coupled with the dwindling relationship between your parents as the end of the wintertime approached. Lacing up your shoes and warming up your skates saw your better days and replaced bad memories with fond ones you will always treasure.

Coach Kim had eventually taken you under his wing when you graduated levels. He was blunt and honest and never liked to sugarcoat his feedback. He spoke with such finality that his voice always made you stand up a little bit taller because you wanted him to take you seriously as an athlete. You wanted to prove to him that you belonged out on the ice. The expectation to learn well with every lesson grew a tenfold with each session because something about how hard he was pushing you made you dream about a life greater than your hometown and performing for nobody but these four walls. Coach Kim helped foster your love for the sport with every hour spent in the rink, correcting your form or congratulating you on your jumps and spins. Your time with him made you think about what you wanted for your future beyond the messy, complicated life you'd inadvertently been thrust into when your parents had made the decision to divorce one another. You didn't want your future to make you feel as helpless as you did.

Naturally, winning a gold medal at the Olympics became your dream. It's what pushed you to work harder and set strict goals for yourself. Every hour, every competition, and every travel day meant you were one step closer to standing on that podium with Olympic grand prize hanging from your neck.

So really, you know you shouldn't be talking to Coach Kim like so disrespectfully. But just like he knows every part of you childhood like the back of his hand, he also knows the pain Sunghoon caused you.

"I know you aren't happy about it, but it wasn't my decision alone," says Coach Kim. "There are a few people on the committee who remember when you and Sunghoon used to train together back in the day. They see how much you've improved on your own and want to see if you can be qualified to compete."

"I'm not doing it," you say stubbornly.

"You don't have a choice."

"I always have a choice. Isn't that what you taught me?"

Coach Kim sighs audibly. "You do have a choice. But you won't like what the alternative is."

"What, are they gonna hold me from competing for another three months? It's happened already. I don't mind waiting."

"No, it's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"You'll be cut from this division effective immediately if you don't agree to these terms."

This entire conversation is making your head spin.

Cut? What do you mean you'll be cut from the division? It's true that you haven't earned them any accolades since you transferred back, but that's only because they won't sign off on your ability to compete. Do the years training and leaving the rink at ungodly hours not mean anything to them? Do the accolades you garnered before you moved away mean nothing to them? If there are people on the board who have been here long enough to remember the kind of athlete you were, why did they lose faith in you now?

It's not like you're incompetent. Busan's division climbed the ranks within Asia's competing guild and your wins contributed to the club's sudden success. Transferring back to Seoul was a disservice to your old troupe who gave everything they had to see you win. That must count for something, right?

"That's not fair," you say, shaking your head aggressively as the truth begins to sink in. "They can't do that."

"They can," he replies, somewhere between exasperated and defeated. "I tried to push back. I really did."

"I'm ready. I've been ready since the day I stepped back into this rink! I've been ready since I was cleared to train again and ever since you told me you've never seen someone get back on the ice the way I did."

"I still mean all of it. But they're holding firm on this and there's nothing I can do to convince them to let you stay if you don't let him train you."

"Why are you okay with this?" you ask Sunghoon, finally turning around to face him. "How come you're not fighting this? How the fuck can you be okay with what's going on?"

"Do you think I want to waste my time by training you?" he asks with venom in his throat. "I'd rather watch paint dry than to watch you skate every single day. I have better things to do with my time, but the board is holding this over my head too and there's nothing I can do about it. I don't know about you, but I care about my career."

"So that's it? Are you too pussy to fight for what you want?"

"Guys," Coach Kim starts, sighing for the umpteenth time as he pinches the bridge of his nose while closing his eyes shut. "I'm going to step out and take a lap so the two of you can talk. Clean up your attitudes by the time I'm back." He walks out of the room without looking at either of you and closes the door shut behind him.

"You're so rude," Sunghoon says as he stares down at you.

"I'm not rude."

"Coach Kim is trying to save your career."

"He's throwing me to the wolves," you say with laugh of disbelief.

"You think I'm the wolf?"

"I think you're a neglected animal in a zoo."

"Is that so?

"If it looks like a neglected animal and acts like one too, then it's probably a fucking neglected zoo animal."

Sunghoon laughs incredulously like what you said is the most ridiculous thing he's heard all day. He scoffs and looks away, putting his hand on his hips as he paces around the office space. "You're one to talk. I don't have to do a thing and you'll still bare your teeth at me. You love to insult me every chance you get and you surely don't shy away of giving me a piece of your mind. You sound like the animal, not me."

"I only tell you what you need to hear. Everyone lives up your ass but nobody knows the real you."

"You don't know me."

"Yes I do," you say, crossing your arms over your chest and rolling your eyes. "You're a stuck up, conceited dick who can't handle when people don't have anything nice to say about you. All you care about is making sure you come out on top, even if that means pushing people down to get there. You don't care if people get hurt along the way. You only care about yourself."

"Fucking incredible. You really don't know me at all."

"I know enough."

"I'll do whatever it takes to win," he says lowly, deep voice nearly sounding raspy with how slow he says it. "I won't let someone pathetic enough to ruin her career over something like this ruin mine. I agreed to train you because I'm saving my own ass. I don't care if you succeed or fail. The condition wasn't to make you into a great skater—not that you could ever be one—but to be your teacher. Whatever happens to you when I'm not needed is not of my concern."

The apples of your cheeks become hot and your neck warms up when your throat starts to feel pressure at the base. Your frustration seeps from your pores like sweat and there's nothing you can do to stop your neck from feeling like it'll snap. The irritation seeps off of you and you know Sunghoon can tell how just much his words dig into your skin when he reminds you that you're someone he will never care about. But guess what? He's not someone you're particularly fond of either. There's nothing about him worth admiring anymore.

"You're an asshole."

"So you've told me," Sunghoon replies.

"And you're mean. Did you know that?"

"I learned it from the best," he says, looking you up and down like he's disgusted.

"I'm not mean. I'm blunt and honest."

"You can't possibly think I'll believe that, right? This is coming from the girl who once said she prays that I fail before all of my competition."

"You deserve to be knocked down a peg or two. Several, actually."

"I'm on these podiums because I deserve to be there. I can't say the same about you."

The hand holding onto your arm for support sees your nails digging into your skin, never mind the painful burn. You're too frustrated to register the pain.

"Don't forget that I was on those podiums too. I've worked my ass off to compete and win titles just like you. The only difference is I don't throw people under the bus for the sake of my fucking career. I keep my promises and win at the same time. You can't say the same."

The tension that hangs in the air is palpable. Sunghoon snaps his gaze over to you, dark eyes intently watching your every move while you stand, awkwardly balancing between two legs. You hope you come off as steadfast as you wish to look. It doesn't help that he's shooting daggers at you like you're the one who betrayed him in the first instead of the other way around.

This is somehow all Sunghoon's fault. Maybe the sting of choosing Sooha over you would've died down if it weren't for the fact that he stopped being your friend once they started practicing together. Sunghoon never made any time for you and seeing him outside of the rink dwindled until the only time the two of you spent any time with each other was when you both had to show your support by attending each other's competitions respectively. And even then, there was barely a greeting, just hurried photos from parents and news outlets that came to cover local sports. Sunghoon became a stranger despite all of your efforts to keep him as your friend.

It's not your fault that your resentment towards him grew over time. He could make time for his friends and for Sooha, but he never made any time for you. Moving to Busan was the best and worst decision of your life; moving away from Seoul meant distance was put between you and Sunghoon, which resulted in less anxiety and anger. But on the other hand, being far from him only emphasized the distance he put between you two, choosing other people to see and open up to instead of you, the person he had always considered a confidant. That same little boy who encouraged you to get up and try again after the first time you fell on your skates has grown into a petulant man who still acts like a spoiled child when he doesn't get what he wants.

Which, to a degree, you understand that you're acting that way too, but unlike Sunghoon, you have a reason to be angry.

However, you know he's right. Effectively choosing to end both your career and his by being stubborn and refusing to train with him means your pathway to the Olympics disappears. Who knows if another division would agree to sign you on when there are many successful and accomplished skaters who weren't forced to take an extended hiatus because of an injury. This is a cut throat industry that will chew you up and spit you out if you're not smart. You've gotten a taste of it after the media hounded you for the accident, writing scathing articles and discarding you from the public eye after you made the decision to stay behind the spotlight during your recovery process. The world may as well already have forgotten about you.

Ending Sunghoon's career sounds appealing, but not at the expense of yours. There's work left to be done and you'll be damned if you ever give Sunghoon something to hold over your head.

"What's it gonna be?" Coach Kim says as he returns to his office, breaking you out of your thoughts. You can feel your heartbeat thumping loudly in your ears, ringing like there's a loud bell bashing itself against your brain.

You know the call you need to make. It's difficult to set your pride aside for the sake of your career because you know the decision you make will effectively change your life for the worst. It would be embarrassing for your dream to end because you let Sunghoon anger you to the point of quitting, and you know there's only one option left if you want to wear that Olympic gold medal around your neck before you grow too old to compete.

This is so fucking unfair.

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

tell me what you thinkkk

✧･ﾟ─────────── ✧･

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[pprodsuga]

tides of regret | heeseung

summary: in the year since heeseung first rejected your love confession, you've tried everything to get over him. a trip to europe makes you realize you miss your former best friend more than anything, and it makes heeseung realize he's got it all wrong.

notes: aaand she's here! this is 24.4K words worth of my heart and soul. consider this a token of my appreciation for welcoming me on enhablr. i sincerely hope you enjoy it. <3

deep cuts: #1

warnings: angst/internal self doubt, playful banter, dirty talking, praise, slight degradation, oral (m and f receiving), dry humping, fingering, mentions of exhibitionism and face sitting, nipple sucking, spit, brief moment of anal (tongue only), condom removal, unprotected sex, creampie.

For @enha-stars – may this story rip you apart and stitch you back together.

masterlist

Incheon feels lonely at three in the morning. 

The overhead lights being turned off because of the lack of travelers at this hour makes the airport feel bigger than it actually is. It’s too quiet without the familiar sounds of luggage wheels on the linoleum or overhead speakers announcing flight changes every ten minutes. You don’t think you’ve ever been to an airport so early in your life. 

It’s quiet enough to leave you alone with your bothersome thoughts. In the years you’ve been away from home as you studied abroad, you can’t help but feel a gravitational pull towards life in Seoul and the people in it. The familiarity of your home outweighs the adventure you once yearned for in your youth, and now you’re left with the exciting notion that, this time, you’ll know when you’ll be coming back.

The terminal has an abundance of seating. Your backpack rests on the seat beside you as Jay double checks the gate number while the rest of your friends find a spot on the seats next to you, attempting to find an ounce of comfort in the dimly lit area.

“I know leaving early saved us hundreds of dollars, but I need sleep,” Sunghoon says from beside you. His usually well kept hair falls in all sorts of places like he woke up without a second thought and hailed a taxi the minute he opened his eyes. 

“You’ll thank me later,” Jay says. “We can sleep on the plane.”

“Our flight doesn’t leave for another two hours,” Jake whines from beside him as he yawns. “How am I supposed to sleep on these god forsakes chairs?” 

“Quit whining and try,” Jay retorts. He looks behind him to see the rest of your friend group approach before glancing over to you. “Doing okay?” 

“How come Y/N gets preferential treatment?” Jake beckons. 

“Because she isn’t a nuisance like you,” Jay immediately fires back before diverting his attention towards you again. 

“I’m alright,” you say, stifling a yawn behind your hand. “Just cold and sleepy.” 

“Hopefully they turn off the damn AC,” Sunghoon says as he pulls his sweatshirt over his head. “I feel like my veins are being injected with ice.”

“It’ll warm up when more people come,” Jay reasons. “I wish there was a coffee stand that was open. I need a cup.” 

“I could go for one,” you agree. “I’m trying to stay awake for the next couple of hours so I can sleep on the plane.” 

The rest of your friend group appear behind Jay and you look down to check your phone for any notifications when Heeseung catches your eye. It takes you by surprise and you abruptly look back at your screen and busy yourself by aimlessly scrolling through social media as he attempts to occupy the empty seat beside you, but Jake beats him to it.

“I’m gonna freeze to death and then all of you are gonna have to deal with my frozen body.” Jake dramatically slouches down onto the seat until his head finds your shoulder, nuzzling his cheek as if trying to find comfort in you. “Jesus, Y/N, you’re so warm.”

You laugh. “I wore layers.” 

“You’re gonna regret that when we get on the plane,” Jake mumbles. 

Heeseung, from the corner of your eyes, opts to move to the seats in front of you. You try not to pay him any mind.

You snort. “Yeah, well I can take these layers off while you freeze until you become an icicle.” Jake hums when you let your head fall onto his. 

“You know I’m not built for the cold. Australia’s my home.”

“And yet you moved to Korea,” Sunghoon provokes. 

Jungwon and Riki are rummaging through the bag of snacks you’d brought for an early breakfast until the restaurants and coffee stands around you open up. Jake’s right, it’s far too cold to stop shivering, but you suppose you’re grateful that the discomfort distracts you from sleeping too early. 

“I can’t believe we’re finally going on this trip,” Sunoo says from above you. With your head still on Jake’s, you turn to look at the boy speaking. “I’m really excited for you to show us where you’ve been for the past four years.”

A tiny smile graces your lips. “I’m excited to show you around London and Paris. The latter is a two hour train ride. My friends and I would go every few weekends or so to explore the city. Pictures and videos don’t do them justice.” You sigh as you reminisce. “I really did think that I’d end up living there when I graduated.” 

“Why didn’t you?” 

“Missed home too much, I guess.” You shrug. “Though, I can’t believe Riki went through a growth spurt in the last two years that I was gone.”

“You went back to Okayama before Y/N came back for holiday break, right?” Jungwon asks, looking between the both of you.

“That’s right,” Riki says. “I was sad that I couldn’t see you before you went back to school.”

“Now he’s twice my height.” You gesture at the younger boy. He’s too shy with the sudden affection and chooses to bury his head in Jungwon’s shoulder. “You were so little.”

“Shut up,” he mumbles. 

“I can’t believe you’re fluent in English now.” Jungwon pushes Riki off of his arm. “You, Jake, and Jay are kind of scary when you speak English.”

“It was a little hard at first. I used to watch a lot of American cinema so I could understand it better than I could speak it. But I can’t lie, it’s fun being able to talk to them in English.”

“You were so cute trying to string phrases together during your first summer back,” Jay coos. “Texting her in English was funny because she couldn’t understand the difference between spelling.”

“Poor Jake.” You pull your head from his and look down at him. “You probably had aneurysms looking at my grammar.” 

You lift your head to see that the aforementioned has fallen asleep amongst the conversation with his mouth slightly ajar and soft snores echoing past your ear. You don’t move when Jay asks if you want Jake off of your shoulder, but you shake your head.

Conversation falls flat when the group unanimously decides that sleepiness is overtaking the need to socialize. Jay keeps checking his watch to look out for the time while your eyes try to look anywhere but at Heeseung. 

It’s odd, the way two people can lose a friendship overnight. The heartbreak that came with romantic rejection wasn’t nearly as bad as realizing texts and phone calls were far fewer in between the moment you had arrived back in Europe to finish your studies. It hurt to know that neither one of you felt comfortable enough to see each other when you were back in your hometown unless the two of you were invited to hang out with mutual friends. 

Still, seeing Heeseung after he had rejected your confession felt like a punch to the gut. 

Long gone were the days of being able to send him unimportant updates about your life abroad or what you were doing at any given summer day back home. You couldn’t ask him to go to the restaurants you used to frequent near his house or yours. You certainly couldn’t call him at random hours because you were bored and missed his voice. 

It wasn’t for the lack of trying. It felt like things might've gone back to normal after a short period of not talking, but your texts going unanswered and your calls going to voicemail was all you needed to know. 

Perhaps it’s why you’re comfortable spearheading this vacation with Jay, who had made it a point to visit you in London when you’d chosen to stay behind instead of going home for the holiday break. The two of you had never spent time alone prior to then, but it touched you that he’d go out of his way to dedicate an entire day to visit you when he was there for a family vacation. 

Coming back to Korea the summer after graduating felt like you were making the right choice, even if your head was telling you to find a home in Europe. Still fresh from your unresolved rejection, stepping off of the plane and knowing you wouldn’t be returning back to your university’s town made the uncomfortable reality of coming face-to-face with Heeseung sink in. You’d have to live with the consequences. 

But it’s been eight months since you returned, six months since Jay’s dad was gracious enough to offer you a position on his marketing team, and five months since he encouraged your entire friend group to take a trip to your old stomping grounds. 

The proposition felt too sudden, especially with how little experience you had working with his team, but you’d spend an evening with the Park family for him to consider you an honorary member. Though, you’re sure Jay might’ve told him something happened between you and Heeseung, especially after telling everyone you wouldn’t be coming home for the holidays. 

To this day, you haven’t uttered a single word to your friends about what happened the night Heeseung rejected your love confession. If you know him as well as you think you do, you don’t think he's told anyone either. 

“Cafes are opening up,” Jay notes. Sunghoon’s ears perk up. “Three of us should go get food and drinks while the rest save our seats.” 

The airport overhead lights must’ve turned on while you were deep in thought. Jay’s right, the coffee stands have opened and it’s likely due to the new influx of travelers who’ve arrived at the airport. Foot traffic is still light and you know Jay wants to get ahead of the crowd. 

Jake has woken up because of the growing murmur around him and lifts himself off of your head to wipe the sleep out of his eyes. He yawns once more but tries his best not to fall asleep again.

“How long was I out?”

“Twenty minutes, give or take,” Sunghoon answers.

“Sorry for sleeping on you,” Jake apologizes. 

“It’s okay. You needed it.” He scrunches his face, not used to the new lighting. “Jay, I’ll come with you to get coffee. I need to stretch my legs.” 

“I’ll help as well.” Heeseung speaks for the first time in a while and his voice nearly catches you off guard. 

“Sure.” Jay gathers everybody’s orders before the two of you follow him around the terminal. 

The line isn’t unbearably long, but with Heeseung towering behind you, it feels like you’ve been standing for hours. You shift from one foot to the other in order to find a happy medium to no avail. Jay orders for the group and you pay attention to him more than you care to when you realize Heeseung is now standing beside you to make room for more people to wait in line. He’s considerate like that and you hate it. 

When the baristas are finished with your order, you reach for the bag of sandwiches in your haste to escape Heeseung. But your fingers touch the steam and you drop the bag into the counter with a hiss.

“Careful,” Heeseung says. “Don’t get hurt, please.” 

Your clumsy nature was always something he teased you for. Heeseung sounds so sincere about his worry that you think you’d rather him pour all of the hot coffee on you instead. 

“Thanks.” You grab the bag with so much as a single moment of eye contact before realizing Jay has started walking back. 

Breakfast is eaten in silence. Everyone is too tired to speak, save for Jake whose twenty minute nap has rendered him a little more awake than the rest of you. You and Sunghoon share your egg sandwich and chocolate croissant respectively without a word spoken between the two of you. 

Meanwhile, Heeseung is staring at the way your thighs are close to Sunghoon’s. He had shifted his body closer to yours in order to form a makeshift table so that sharing pastries wouldn’t result in crumbs on the floor. You can feel Heeseung's gaze on your kneecap and it makes your face flush. 

Sunoo and Jake offer to throw everybody’s trash away when you’re all done eating. The airport is in full swing by now and everyone has said their graces and apologized to Jay for giving him a hard time with how early they arrived. 

It seems that sleep has threatened to overtake you. You’re waiting in line to scan your plane ticket and board the aircraft, but the sudden warmth of the airport has caused you to yawn a few too many times. Riki’s standing in front of you and his height makes for a perfect makeshift wall to lean on. Or, that’s what your tired brain is telling you, because you slouch forward and let your cheek rest against his back as you close your eyes. 

“Sleepy girl,” you hear him chuckle. You merely nod in acknowledgement. 

Your comfort is short lived when he softly nudges you because the line has moved. Soon, you scan your ticket and give the airline agent a smile as thanks before waiting to set foot on the aircraft. 

Sunghoon notices your dropped shoulders and wordlessly takes your backpack off of you. 

“You don’t need to do that,” you say with a frown when you see Sunghoon carrying your belongings with him. 

“Let me hold it,” says Sunghoon. “You look like you’re about to fall over with the extra weight.” 

“If you insist.”

“Let us take care of you, yeah?” Jay interrupts, bumps his shoulder with yours. “You’ve been running all over Europe these past four years and we’ve only seen you a handful of times. You deserve to relax on this trip.” 

“I can’t believe you guys are being so sweet on me. I know that’s ending the second we get back to Korea.” 

The two boys laugh. “Well, it’s only fair, I guess. You’re like, the mom friend.”

“Jay is the mom friend.” The aforementioned doesn’t argue. 

The squeeze of the aircraft is tight and you’re desperately trying to look for your seat. It seems that Sunghoon is sitting in your row, which excites you, but you’ve come to realize that you’ve obtained the ungodly middle seat. You make peace with it for a brief moment before Heeseung clears his throat awkwardly.

“Let’s switch seats,” he says from behind you. His ticket shows the window seat right next to yours. “I know you hate middle seats.” 

“No, I couldn’t ask that of you.” 

“You’re not asking.” He says it with a smile and it makes you cower into yourself. “You should move to your new seat so we don’t hold up the line.” 

Heeseung suggests it in a way that is reminiscent of the days where he’d give up his sweet treats because you wanted a taste. It tugs at your heartstrings but you don’t have time to think about that when you notice how the plane is starting to fill up. 

Reluctantly, you slide into the window seat while Heeseung and Sunghoon follow suit. Your seat belts are buckled and in no time, the aircraft takes flight. 

For the next hour, Heeseung looks like he wants to say something to you. The headphones you've brought do well to cancel out the noise, for the most part. You can see from the corner of your eye that he glances at you from time to time, but you ignore it and choose to get comfortable for the long haul. 

When you notice the flight attendants come with the beverage cart, you take it as a cue to get comfortable and try to get some sleep for the next few hours. Likely due to the lack of sleep from the night prior, you fall asleep as soon as your head rests against the plane.

You don’t hear Heeseung requesting an extra bottle of water for you.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

When you come to, you’re barely able to register that it’s time to eat the first meal on the flight. You take your headphones off and put it in your backpack as you blink the sleep out of your eyes. 

“Chicken or beef?” 

Heeseung looks at you, expecting an answer.

“Hm?”

He laughs softly. “Chicken or beef?” 

Your eyes dart between him and the flight attendants when you realize they’re about to approach.

“I heard them asking people which meal they want,” Heeseung explains. “So, chicken or beef?”

“Beef.” You clear your throat. 

“Beef it is.”

Sunghoon requests chicken when the flight attendant arrives. Heeseung orders beef for the both of you before you get the chance. If he notices you looking at him strangely, he doesn’t comment on it. 

The food comes quicker than expected and the meal tastes decent, though you’re trying your best not to elbow Heeseung as you cut away at your portion. He seems engrossed in the movie in front of him while you peek at what he’s watching—Iron Man, to no one’s shock. 

You soften a bit at the nostalgia that comes with Heeseung and Marvel, namely the rainy days in your youth spent marathoning the superhero movies. There had been one year in high school when he’d dressed up as Tony Stark and you as Pepper Potts despite a few girls your age whispering behind your back at the matching costumes out of jealousy. You don’t think you can think of the franchise without thinking of Heeseung. 

The memories almost bring a smile to your face. Heeseung seems to notice you glancing at his screen in between bites. You avoid eye contact when you realize he caught you staring and focus on cutting your meal, praying that Heeseung will stop looking at you and watch the movie instead. 

But he takes one earbud out and holds it to you. 

“Do you want to watch it with me?” He’s halfway through. You tell him such but he doesn’t care. 

“I don’t want to jump in halfway through.” 

“Come on, it’s not like you haven’t done that before.” 

Heeseung says it with such nonchalance that it makes your stomach drop. He sees the way your eyes falter for a moment and the way you glance between his hand and the screen. You try to come up with excuses to refuse his offer, but you’ve got eight more hours until you land.

“Sure,” you settle. Heeseung gives you one headphone and resumes watching.

Between the meals being picked up and tray tables being put away, you manage to fall asleep in your seat. Sunoo sits in front of you and upon coming back from a quick bathroom trip, sees your head resting on Heeseung’s shoulder with his cheek propped on your head. The two of you are fast asleep despite the credits rolling and he can’t help but snap a quick photo. 

You wake up some hours later when Sunghoon says your name. The cabin lights turning on temporarily blinds your vision as you wake up when you realize you’d managed to push yourself back enough to rest yourself against Heeseung’s arm. 

“Oh God,” you say in shock, pulling yourself and the seat upright. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”

“It’s okay,” he replies, like he means it. “Sleeping on planes is uncomfortable. But I know you know that.” 

You nod. “Yeah. It's too hard to get comfortable.”

“I can’t believe we’re spending two weeks in Europe. I’ve never been outside of Korea and Japan before. You’ll have to help me with my English.”

“Jay or Jake can also help with that.” You say it with a yawn and Heeseung’s eyes cast to the floor for a brief moment. You barely notice, gathering your own belongings as the flight descends. 

“Yeah, I guess they can.” 

When you land, the familiar disorientation of the time difference truly wakes you up. It’s eleven in the morning when the plane door finally opens and Jay’s moving a step ahead of you as he occupies space in the aisle way to grab his belongings. You follow suit and wait for your turn to exit amongst your friends and other travel goers.

Stepping out of the plane and into the familiar terrain of the Heathrow Airport reignites your attentiveness and you smile at the fond memories of being greeted by your university friends upon arriving. The familiar atmosphere of English travelers milling around the gate warms your chest with nostalgia. 

You wait for the boys to emerge before signaling Jay, who follows beside you as you walk towards the baggage claim area. You lead him with little trouble down the escalator as the rest of your friends follow suit, yawning in an attempt to wake themselves up. 

“It’s weird seeing you in your element,” Jay comments as he stands beside you, periodically checking the turnstile for his luggage. “A good kind of weird.” 

“This airport might as well be my second home,” you tell him. “It feels routine to wait for my luggage at this point.”

“I’m tempted to sleep when we get to the hotel but I don’t want to mess up my sleep schedule more than it already is.” Jay pulls his luggage. 

“Yeah, that’s smart. I think we should take an hour to freshen up and find a place to eat before we go exploring.”

“I can already hear Jake whining about it.” 

The two of you share a laugh. “He’ll just have to get used to it. We can have an early night and rest up before we explore tomorrow.” 

“He slept on the plane, for the most part,” Jay informs. “Surprisingly, he didn’t snore as loudly as he usually does.” He spots your luggage and takes it off of the belt for you. 

On the other side of the carousel, Heeseung and Sunoo are standing together to find their own luggages. 

“You guys looked pretty cozy,” Sunoo comments. “It was nice seeing you two like that again.”

“It felt nice,” he mutters. “I really missed her.” 

Heeseung doesn’t have to tell Sunoo what happened between the two of you for him to know that you two aren’t as close as you used to be. The older boy feels nearly ashamed that his own friends have caught up on his awkward demeanor.

“Well, she’s back for good and we’re here on vacation. Try not to dwell on whatever it is that’s making you think too hard.”

Heeeung laughs. “I’ll try, Sunoo. It’s just hard when we’re not as close. How can I compete when we’re in her college town and how will I talk to her in Paris?”

“Well, you never know,” Sunoo says as he picks up his luggage. “Anything can happen in the City of Love.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The hotel itself is modest in size. Quaint, old cobblestone surrounding the entryway like you remember it. The people are busy walking in and out of the meeting rooms in the lobby as you walk to the concierge to sort out the rooming situation. Jay stands beside to help distribute the keys and the employee behind the desk bids you a good stay. 

The view from the fifth floor is spectacular already. You catch glimpses of the streets of London below you, street lights decorating the sidewalk and flowers surrounding the city. This feels like the London you remember and it adds a slight pep in your step. 

“Alright, it’s decided that three of you are gonna share,” you say as you reach the first room. “The other four will be split into two rooms and I’ll get a room for myself.”

“That’s not fair,” Jake huffs. 

“I refuse to share a room with any of you.” You pocket the key to the single bedroom. “Plus, Jay’s mom helped me make the arrangements when we planned the trip.”

“Favoritism,” Jake coughs. You nudge his side.

“To make it fair, everyone will pick up a key card without knowing the room number and flip it. That’ll determine who you room with.”

“Alright,” Jungwon says. “Fair enough.”

One by one, your friends pick their key cards and discover their roommates. Jake, Sunoo, and Riki are the unlucky three who will be rooming together for the duration of the week. Jay and Sunghoon are in the room directly across from theirs while Heeseung and Jungwon share a room. 

“Let’s meet at the lobby in an hour,” Jay suggests. “We can get some lunch and do some exploring before deciding on dinner.”

“We can take it easy and sleep early tonight,” you add in. “I know that flying internationally is always a bitch and I try to time my sleep when I need to.”

The eight of you part ways. Your suite has a beautiful view of the sky and the room itself makes you feel like the main character of a romance film. The bed is just to your liking with pillows stacked to the nines. It feels nice to have a moment to yourself. With your friend Yunjin backing out of the trip at the last minute due to family conflicts, you hadn’t had time to think about anything other than arriving at the hotel safely. 

You busy yourself with a shower and freshen up, pulling out options for you to wear for the rest of the night. You settle with something stylish yet comfortable and put enough makeup on your face until you’re satisfied with the person staring back at you in the bathroom mirror. 

True to your word, you enter the lobby when you said you would. Jay and Sunghoon are already downstairs by the seats. Sunghoon stands to offer you the loveseat but you decline politely and sift through your phone until the rest of the guys arrive. 

When they do, it’s like all eight of you collectively agree that hunger has overtaken you. You know of a nearby cafe that serves sandwiches from your days in university. You lead them to the quaint restaurant that has your friends staring at the art on the walls as you greet the cashier and order. 

It’s a slow moment for the eight of you as you all eat in relative silence, the sound of quiet slurping audible from the coffees everyone has chosen to drink. 

“Did you spend a lot of time here?” Jungwon asks. 

“Around the area, yeah,” you say, looking around. The outdoor seating area is just towards the edge of the street with the weather being a cool, cloudy day. “I loved coming to cafe’s like these with my friends after class. We’d study until they kicked us out and then go for a drink or two.” 

“We should go to a pub while we’re here,” Jake suggests. “I’ve always wanted to see an English pub. We have a few back in Australia.” 

“I know just the place! My friend’s brother owns it and they know I’ll be in town for the next week. It would be nice to catch up with them.” 

“Hopefully your friends here kept you out of trouble,” Sunghoon teases. You flick him with your fingers. 

“I’m the most responsible one out of you seven and don’t you forget that.” 

“Do you miss being here now that you’re back?” Riki asks in between sandwich bites. “God, I love London already.” 

“You’re going to choke if you don’t slow down.” He apologies and takes a single bite. “Well, I think I miss my friends a lot. I don’t necessarily miss being in university, but I miss the freedoms that come with it.”

“I still can’t believe you spent four years of your life here,” Sunghoon says. “That’s insane when you think about how you cried when your aunt took you to Tokyo for a week when you were in middle school.”

The boys laugh and you frown. “I was twelve, okay? You wound me. But yeah, I think I grew out of my shell in high school and had this urge to travel but didn’t know how to do it. I was surprised when my parents encouraged me to apply to King’s College, even more so when I got accepted.”

“You’ve always been too good to stay in one place for too long,” Jake says. “We got close until halfway through our first year of high school, I think. I always got the sense that you wanted more than what our hometown could offer.” 

“I always wanted to move to the heart of Seoul eventually. But I think I needed to come here in order to figure that out.”

“Would you really have stayed in London if you had the chance?” 

You avoid looking at Heeseung, whose attention averted from his phone to you. 

“I don’t know,” you say honestly. “But what I do know is that I’m happy to be back in Korea and I’m happy to be traveling to Europe.” 

“You always did have that sense of adventure,” Heeseung says. “I remember you were the one who always got us in trouble when we explored a little too far.” 

“Your mom was pissed that time I walked a little too far down the shoreline when we went to Jeju.” The memory feels warm despite your discomfort at having Heeseung’s eyes on you. “I didn’t know who she wanted to kill more, me or you.”

“Definitely me. You could do no wrong in her eyes.”

“What happened?” Sunoo asks. 

“My family and Heeseung’s took a trip to Jeju Island when we were around seven, if I remember correctly. I’d taken swimming lessons and thought I could show off my new skills at the beach we were at, but there was a wave that was a bit too much for me to handle.”

“She was nearly swallowed by the ocean.” Heeseung hits his knee with his palm as he recalls the memory. “I mean, I was seven and it seemed like the wave was gigantic but to my mom, it must’ve been just tall enough that she could see over it.”

“She yelled at him for the rest of the night because she had to pull me out from under the water,” you add. “I was fine. My parents laughed it off but his mom was so pissed at him for not telling me to come back to the shore.”

Echoes of laughter fill the space. It feels nice to be able to laugh like this with Heeseung, temporarily forgetting why you were so awkward around him in the first place. 

When the check is paid, you lead the group around the area. Sunghoon takes out his camera and captures everything that inspires him while Sunoo and Riki are off to explore the shops around. It brings warmth to your chest to see your friends enthusiastically exploring the space you once called home. It had been a dream of yours since Jay came to visit and let you drag him around town for the day. Having them with you feels like you’re healing a part of yourself. 

You duck into the quiet bookstore you used to frequent while you were a student. Filled with novels and trinkets from floor to ceiling, it feels familiar to you. 

You get lost in thought when you glance at the books in front of you and you don’t notice Heeseung approaching. 

“Still love books?” 

“Jesus,” you gasp, clutching your chest. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he laughs. “Seems like you still scare easily.” You hate that he knows you so well. Clearing your throat, you put the book back. 

“Yes, to both. I used to come to this bookstore a lot when I had free time.” 

He looks around. “It looks like a nice place.”

“They have a reading nook in the back. The owner is this sweet older woman who was the first person to help me with my English when I first moved. I think she let me read books for free because I used to bring her sweets.”

“That sounds like something you’d do.” You cast your eyes to the floor. “It’s crazy that there’s parts of you that I don’t know.” 

“Yeah,” you mumble solemnly. Heeseung’s eyes bore into the side of your face as you pretend to look at the titles of the books. 

“Do you talk to your college friends often?” 

“All the time. My closest friends live all over the place. Two of them are from the area, one went to live in the States, and a few live in Busan.”

“I’ll bet it was nice to have some Korean friends when you moved. I remember you used call me to tell me about your first semester here.” 

You can’t help but think about the first few months after you moved when you would call Heeseung for a bit of comfort when things felt too overwhelming. With Korea being nine hours ahead, you always felt a little too bothersome phoning when it was the middle of the night for him, not used to the time difference. But he always answered you or called back when he had the chance. 

You’d spend hours on the phone, talking to him about how difficult it was to learn English and how making friends was not as easy as you thought it would be. Navigating the city felt lonely and isolating because you’d barely made friends in your classes in the first few weeks. Heeseung was there through all of it, reminding you that being eighteen years old in a new country made you brave despite feeling like you were a failure for not grasping a hold on life like you thought you would. 

Falling asleep on the phone with him became a routine, too. Whether it was you who fell asleep after a long day or Heeseung, who had stayed up listening to your worries, the sound of his breathing made it feel like you were back home in Korea instead of exploring a grand new world. 

Soon enough, you could talk your way around and piece together conversations with your classmates until you’d found friends who shared similar interests. Heeseung was the first person you told and the first person to tell you how proud he was that you extended your roots to learn about yourself away from home. You always thrived off of his praise as if making him proud was something you never sought out to do, but appreciated when it happened.

But that was four years ago. Whatever friendship you had with him then is not the one you have with him now. 

“It was nice,” you settle. “I miss my college friends. You might get to meet some later in the week.” 

“Nice,” he mutters to himself when you walk past him. “That’s really nice.” 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The rest of the week is spent in your old stomping grounds, from touring your campus, to shopping, to sightseeing. The eight of you split up more often than not to explore different areas based on mutual interest. You find that Heeseung tends to gravitate towards you and you aren’t sure if it’s because he feels guilty for rejecting you or because he genuinely wants to explore what you want to do. 

Still though, at least one other person joins you. It feels nice to have a buffer to avoid any awkward conversation or moments, especially when Heeseung trips over his words trying to talk to you. 

The week goes by too quickly for your liking. Spending time in London has felt like coming back home, in a way. You’ll always have your memories here and this city will remain the same when you return in the future. Now, it no longer feels like the place you escape too because things got too hard back home. 

Even with Heeseung next to you more often than not, you’ve found a happy medium The awkwardness dissipates when you set aside your indifference to show everybody your favorite places, watching them explore the city for themselves. 

As expected, Riki and Jake have spent a little too much on clothing with the hopes that they can fit it into their luggage on the way back. It fits miraculously. 

Your friend Leo, the one whose brother owns the pub you used to frequent, tells you he’s excited to see you after all these months. It’s a Friday night when you arrive, seeing it well populated. But it’s rather early in the evening before the rush hour, so you enjoy the relative quietness before people rush in. 

Heeseung, on the other hand, has been in a stupor for the latter half of the week. It began when he managed to talk to you in the bookstore, but blossomed when he watched you navigate your way around the city. You barely looked at your phone for directions and had no problem switching to English when you greeted shop owners. Hearing you speak fluently in a language you once struggled with in your childhood made him feel somewhat removed from your life. The two of you used to joke that he was always better with English. Now, the tables have turned. 

The fear that you’d told your school friends about what transpired between the two of you plants itself in the back of Heeseung’s mind. He worries that your friends won’t like him and that you’ve scorned his name, but he chides himself just as much as he worries because he knows you and how deeply you care about people. 

Heeseung wishes he could go back in time to change what happened. He wishes that he’d admit his mistake and confess to you before you left. It had taken him a long time to confront his own feelings, but seeing you back in Korea made him realize he didn’t care if the relationship was long distance or not. He didn’t care as long as you were in his life. 

The months spent apart without phone calls or texts were agony. He loathed hearing what you were up to from your mutual friends or when he accidentally watched your Instagram stories. Seeing you happy without him made his heart lurch, not out of possessiveness, but because he wished you were comfortable enough to share those moments with him. 

To boil it down, Heeseung hopes this trip can undo a year’s worth of his ignorance. 

But before he can think about that, your exclamation pulls him towards a strange man before you. 

“Leo!” 

The sheer volume of your voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Heeseung, who eyes the bloke the second you make a dash for him. His heart winces when your arms wrap around the stranger’s neck and as he spins you around, squeezing you for good measure. He isn’t pleased when Leo settles to let his arm rest around your waist instead of letting you go. He’s even less so when you don’t attempt to separate yourself from him. 

“Hey, pretty girl,” Leo says with a boyish grin, accent making Heeseung nearly roll his eyes. 

“This is Leo.” You let your head rest on his shoulder for a brief moment. “He’s one of my friends from university. I think we met in, what, second year?” 

“Second year, auditing class with Professor Donahue on Mondays and Wednesdays,” he says. “God, that class was so boring.” 

“He’s the friend whose brother owns the bar,” you explain to them. You introduce Leo to each friend respectively. “Jay and Jake are my friends who are fluent in English.” 

“You can speak it and understand it as well, right?” Leo asks as he shakes Heeseung’s hand.

He nods while giving him a tight smile. “Just a little. I’m practicing.” 

“Nah, you sound perfect already.”

Heeseung feels indifferent to see you in your element with people from your past. The bartender, who is Leo’s brother, tells you the first two rounds are on the house after he checks IDs. Riki and Jungwon are excited to have their first pub experience after you make them promise to take it slow and drink lots of water in between. 

“It’s a bit weird seeing her be like that,” Leo says to Jay with a laugh. “When we first got to know each other, it was me who had to tell her to watch how much she drank.”

“Y/N, drinking?” Jake asks. “No way. Back in Korea, she got drunk maybe twice a year.” 

“She and a mutual friend, Elizabeth, were as thick as thieves. They were like a package deal before we all graduated and until she moved to the States. They’d always go a little too hard after exam season was over or if people invited them out on a Saturday night.”

“Y/N’s always been the responsible one out of the bunch,” Jay adds. “In high school, there was one time she got so drunk that she nearly scaled the roof of my friend’s house. Heeseung nearly fell off trying to get her down. After that, she swore off alcohol.” 

Heeseung makes a few comments in the conversation as he watches you catch up with Leo’s brother and as you facilitate conversation between the rest of the guys. There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realizes there’s a lot he doesn’t know about you. 

The two of you talked less as you became more comfortable in your environment. At first, Heeseung took it to heart and made the assumption that you’d chosen your friends in England over him, but a stern conversation with his mother made him realize he was being juvenile. He could only comfort you so much when he was oceans away. It was probably a good thing that you were talking to him less because that must’ve meant you were as overwhelmed or scared like you were when you first moved to England. 

You’d still call him a few times a week before bed–when Heeseung was getting ready for the day–to update him on everything that happened in the past week. You two texted more frequently than you conversed, sending him pictures of new places you’d discovered or him sending photos of your mutual friends with sad faces at the notion of you not being able to be there with them. 

Heeseung had always felt a bit jealous of your time abroad. He loved Korea, but he yearned for the same sense of adventure you once had. Only, he hadn’t figured it out until halfway through university when it was too late to transfer or apply for a semester abroad. When Jay had proposed this trip and that his father would expense half of it, he jumped at the opportunity to go. 

Although, he didn’t know it would hurt him this much.

Hearing you talk about your life here made him feel like it was his fault that he barely knew your life in England. It was so easy when the two of you lived a few blocks from each other; he’d run into you with your other friends on the street or know exactly where you were likely to be at any given moment. He knew you felt the same way about him too, as you always knew where to find him if you really needed him. 

But it feels like this is the first time he’s seeing you for who you are as an adult, not the child that he grew up with. 

Surely, Heeseung always knew you had a good head on your shoulders. You were always the more outspoken one who stood up for what you believed in, no matter how big or small. You never backed down if someone was giving you a hard time and it was one of the reasons why Heeseung had struck up a conversation with you as you two played in the sandbox after a few kids had stolen the toys he was playing with. That sense of responsibility and gratuity followed you into your adolescent and teenage years, too. Not once had Heeseung heard anyone say a bad word about your character. He’d like to think he had something to do with it, but deep down, Heeseung knows it was all you. 

When you confessed nearly a year ago, Heeseung felt like his heart might’ve ceased to function properly. Truth be told, he’s never taken his daydreams about being your boyfriend too seriously. He always wondered if it was normal to develop small crushes on your girl-friends at a young age and wondered if those butterflies in his stomach was because of how often his other friends at school would playfully tease him until they stopped. Jake and Sunghoon had been people who teased him for having a girl as his best friend until they befriended you too, and Heeseung was satisfied when they stopped with their comments. They, too, could understand why Heeseung was so keen on keeping you around. 

But the butterflies never quite left him. Your smile was too bright. Your voice was too angelic. Everything about you and how you fit into his life felt a little too perfect; Heeseung hated cliches in his youth and this felt like one big cliche joke. He knew his mother didn’t approve of the girls she’d see him with, even in college when he got into his first serious relationship. She wasn’t as enthusiastic about her as she was with you. At the time, the frustration seemed too biased until it ended in a way that made Heeseung realize his mother truly knew what was best for him.

Heeseung never considered the possibility of dating you until you confessed your feelings for him. 

As much as he plays off being the spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of person, Heeseung gets scared when things go unplanned. He backs away from courage and from moments that make or break his character. He likes to play it safe unless he can make a calculated risk in his favor, choosing to let others fall flat on their face and learn from their mistakes. Heeseung had never considered the possibility of you having feelings for him either. That fateful summer night is one he will always remember, especially in the way the light in your eyes dimmed when he told you he didn’t feel the same. 

He remembers your quick apologies and the way you backed away too quickly for his liking. He had tried to reach for your hand to tell you it was okay and that he didn’t feel awkward about it, but you’d shook your head and merely told him you’d see him later. Heeseung had never seen you leave so abruptly. But he figured you’d get over it, as you typically do when things don’t go your way. You’re resilient like that.

Heeseung assumed you needed time to heal from the awkward encounter and hadn’t reached out to you for a week. He didn’t think much of it at the time and hadn’t made plans with you until he realized you’d be leaving for Europe the week following. By then, it had been too late, because he stopped by your house the morning after you left. 

Getting together with Seulgi after you left felt too easy. He knew she’d always had a thing for him but brushed her off for reasons he couldn’t fathom until he bumped into her a few weeks after you’d left without so much as a text or a voicemail. Feeling a bit irritated at your wordless departure, Heeseung took Seulgi out on a few days to take his mind off of you.

Except, it didn’t work. Heeseung found himself fantasizing about what it would be like to go out to dinner with you when she was sitting in front of him. When she’d texted him to thank him for his time, Heeseung imagined the kind of things you would say after your first date. When he kissed her for the first time underneath the twinkling lights of a local fair, Heeseung pictured you as he closed his eyes. The fantasy was ruined when Seulgi’s perfume touched his olfactory senses, pulling him back into reality. The guilt of kissing somebody who wasn’t you ate at his chest the moment he saw Seulgi smile at him from where he stood. 

He tried his best with her but broke it off when the unrest overtook his mental wellbeing. It was amicable, for the most part. All Heeseung knows is that his parents (along with all of his friends) were happy that he hadn’t continued with that relationship.

“Y/N used to talk a lot about you, Heeseung,” Leo says, bringing the aforementioned out of his thoughts. “We’d be out at dinner or something and she’d always run outside to answer your calls.”

“Really?” Heeseung says out of surprise. He didn’t know you did that. 

“You bet,” Leo replies. “She talked a lot about Korea when we’d hang out with our friends but she seemed to talk about you the most.” 

Heeseung wonders if you told him about what happened between the two of you the summer before you left. 

“I’m flattered.” Heeseung honestly doesn’t know what else to say. He chooses to tell the truth. “I missed her a lot. I grew up with her living a few blocks away. It felt weird not to be with her when I went to college.” 

“Y/N said the same thing. Every time she’d be homesick, she’d tell us she needed to call you.” Leo’s words bring a warm flush to Heeseung’s face but he chooses to blame it on the alcohol. 

“I heard my name,” you say as you walk to where they’re sitting. “Not talking shit about me, my dear Leo?”

“Never,” he teases. “Although, I’m sure I still have some pretty photos of you and Elizabeth at this very pub.”

“Oh God, please don’t.” You push his shoulder when he moves to reach his phone. “Those do not need to see the light of day and you definitely need to delete them.”

“How else am I going to blackmail you?” 

“You’re the worst.” You look cute when your nose is a bit red from drinking. You always did suffer from redness to the face when you drank. “I can’t believe Elizabeth and I let you into our friend group.”

“Hey! I was the one who introduced you to her in the first place.”

“I’ll bet if I texted her right now, I’d have it in writing that she’d choose me over you.”

“Okay, you don’t need to do that because she definitely would.” 

The group laughs and conversations flow nicely as a few other friends from your university days join you later in the evening. It feels like a reunion, of sorts. It feels especially wonderful to have most of your favorite people under one roof despite the slight language barrier. But everyone seems to get along well enough, especially Riki, who has taken a liking to your Japanese friend you met on your first day of orientation. 

When the room gets too hot, you make your way outside where you’re fenced in by a metal barricade. It’s cold outside, but the alcohol running through your veins keeps you warm enough that you decide not to go back to ask for a jacket. Heeseung wants to follow you but stays still in his seat when he sees Sunghoon exit the door after you leave. 

The wine in your hands is still halfway full. You’ve decided that you’ve taken the lead far too many times this week and that Jay can handle getting everyone home. It’s your fourth drink of the night, just enough to keep you buzzed for the duration of your time at the pub. 

You register the door sliding open and make room for Sunghoon when you spot him over your shoulder. 

“Your friends are really nice,” he comments, leaning on the railing next to you. 

“They’re the best,” you say with a fond smile. “I owe them a lot. I only started enjoying my time here when we became friends.” 

“You know, I was a little worried that you wouldn’t be happy when you moved to London for the first time.”

“What makes you say that?” 

“I think a lot of people would describe you as brave and as someone who will dive in head first to things that scare you, which is true for the most part. But I think people rarely pay attention to the vulnerable side of people like you because it looks like you have it all together.”

“I was a total wreck when I first moved,” you said. “I don’t know if you remember the few times I called you when Heeseung wasn’t able to pick up.”

“Oh, I remember. That was the first time you cried to me and now you have no issue getting your snot on my sweaters.” You swat his arm at the joke but he dodges you just in time. “I remember Yeji getting worried about you too. She was so young and always said she wanted to be brave like you.”

“Sweet girl,” you say. 

“The two of you are similar. I watch out for her a lot, you know? Our relatives always think she puts on a brave face and don’t think twice when she talks about her fears. They always tell her she’ll be fine, but it’s hard to actualize that when you don’t believe it.”

“I thought about coming home a few times when things got really hard,” you confess. “I was out of my depth because I couldn’t speak English very well. I could only speak fragments and getting my way around campus was so hard.” 

“I don’t know how you did it, if I’m being honest. But I’m glad that you stuck around long enough to see what your life would be like.”

“Me too. I’d really love to think I’ve become a better person now that I’ve gotten the chance to know myself beyond the comfort of my home, you know? I love you guys and I love my family, but sometimes being back in Korea felt like I was listening to what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.”

Sunghoon laughs. “Yeji said the same thing a few weeks before we left for London. Part of me thinks she’s considering studying abroad. I found a few college brochures in her room.”

“Don’t you know better than to snoop inside your sister’s bedroom?”

“Yah,” he says. “Yeji steals too many of my sweaters and she said I could get them back.”

“You’re just too easy to make fun of, Hoonie.” 

A comfortable silence passes over the both of you. The audible sound of people talking amongst themselves and the beautiful lights of the city illuminate what makes London so beautiful. It isn’t until Sunghoon speaks that you pull yourself out of your daydreams.

“I heard you that night,” Sunghoon confesses. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“The night of the bonfire.I know you told Heeseung you liked him.”

You turn your head to him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I figured you’d tell me whenever you felt ready,” he says with a shrug. “You went back to London a couple of weeks later and I wanted to spend time with my friend. There never seemed to be a right time.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and balances from one leg to another. “You looked really sad, Y/N. I’ve never seen you look that way before.” 

There’s a beat of silence. 

Sunghoon listens as you sigh and you push yourself from the railing. Your back touches the cold metal as you look beside yourself to see him. 

“I deluded myself into thinking Heeseung might’ve felt something for me too,” you admit. “It’s not that girls and boys can’t be friends, but towards the end of our friendship, it was like something shifted.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’d…touch me longer. Hugs, pulling me by my waist at parties, lingering near me at Riki’s bonfires, that kind of thing. He started playing with my fingers a lot more. Heeseung never used to touch me like that. He’d interrupt conversation with guys to pull me away. I always knew what he was doing but I liked him so much that I didn’t care if he interrupted a good thing between me and someone else.” 

Sunghoon purses his lips and watches as you look ahead at the glass doors to see your friends laughing. “I noticed that too.”

“When we were alone, it felt like he was one sentence away from telling me he loved me more than a friend. Not that platonic crap that the eight of us tell each other, but the deep shit where that kind of love comes from kindred souls.” 

“Heeseung’s too stupid to see what’s good for him anyway.” Sunghoon pulls a laugh out of you and he’s glad to hear it. 

“But then I confessed to him the night of that bonfire.” You bite your lip at the memory, willing yourself not to tear up. “I mean, you heard him. He told me he didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to ruin our friendship because it was perfect as it was.”

“And then you heard he’d gotten together with Seulgi.”

“Yeah.” You nod once and look down at your drink. 

“They weren’t together long,” Sunghoon says. “She wanted more but he didn’t want to give that to her. The boys were confused because he seemed to be really happy with her until he broke it off so sudden. I always thought it was because he felt too guilty after rejecting you.”

“What did the guys think?”

“Riki hated her. I have a feeling it was because she wasn’t you, though. I think Sunoo, Jungwon, and Jake were surprised when he’d gotten together with Seulgi after you left and were trying to be nice about it. Jay was indifferent, but then again, you two weren’t as close as you were with the rest of them until he visited you while you were away.”

“Did his opinion change?” 

“Definitely. Heeseung had a period of time in the new year where he went on a couple of dates with her, telling us he might’ve made a mistake by breaking things off too soon.” Sunghoon shakes his head as he tells the story. “Jay was unbelievably pissed.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know how he gets when he’s angry. He’s quiet and doesn’t talk until he’s calm. But it was like a volcano erupted, or something. Jay came back mid January to find out Heeseung had been seeing Seulgi for a couple of weeks and completely lost it on him. He said things about not knowing a good thing if it spat in his face and how he ruined every chance of happiness because of his own doing.” 

“Wow…I didn’t know Jay said that.”

“It was scary. Heeseung tried to fight back and say it was his life and that Jay didn’t have a right to say what he could and couldn’t do, but the poor guy never stood a chance. Jay asked him if he would be happy if you came back to see him dating Seulgi and that shut him up real quick.”

“What do I have to do with it?” you ask. “He rejected me before I left.” 

“I don’t know,” Sunghoon says truthfully. “I always thought that Heeseung was trying to redeem himself through Seulgi. But I guess we’ll never truly know.” 

“It’s been almost a year,” you reminisce. “You’d think I would’ve gotten over him by now after spending time in Europe with, well, other boys.”

“He’s not just any guy who rejected you,” Sunghoon says. He looks out at the street, finding the words to say. “You two had been best friends since before me or the guys got to know either of you. There’s a special kind of bond between people who grew up together, you know?

“I think a large part of you misses being friends with him. Sure, rejection always stings, but it’s knowing that you don’t have your best friend that hurts you more.”

“Jeez,” you chide. “You always know how I feel.”

Sunghoon laughs. “I’m just observant. I know that it’s hard to be on this trip because Heeseung’s trying to be that friend you once knew. He probably feels guilty for giving you the cold shoulder during your first few weeks back in Seoul.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, well he’s not doing a great job showing it. Life would be easier if he left me alone.”

“But do you want that?” 

You cast your eyes to the floor. “No, I don’t.” 

Satisfied with your answer, Sunghoon nods. 

“You know, I knew Heeseung had feelings for you the night we played spin the bottle just before we graduated high school.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Hoon. He never liked me.” 

Sunghoon shakes his head. “Do you remember what happened that night?” 

“Vaguely. I remember that being my first time trying alcohol and Jake having to cut me off when I couldn’t walk straight.”

He nods. “When you were sober enough to string a few sentences together, some girl suggested playing spin the bottle. When it was your turn to spin, it landed on me.” 

You make a face. “Ah. I do remember kissing you.” 

“Well you don’t have to look grossed out,” Sunghoon teases. “Everyone knew it was awkward because we’d been friends for like, five years at that point. We were both so flustered that the kiss lasted for maybe two seconds before everyone cheered.

“Heeseung was pissed. I saw him looking at me like I’d killed his family, or something. I swore I could see steam coming out of his ears. He wouldn’t talk to me for a week because I’d been your first kiss.”

“Seriously?” 

“Dead serious.” Sunghoon laughs at the memory. “He wouldn’t answer my texts. In the group chat we were in, he’d acknowledge everyone but me. It wasn’t until a week later when we were all hanging out that I told him there was nothing between us and it was awkward to kiss you in front of our friends.” 

You stand there, dumbfounded. “Huh.”

“I’ve never told anyone that,” he confesses. “I doubt anyone remembers us kissing except for him. I assumed this would be a story I’d tell you and the guys when you both eventually got together.” 

He murmurs an apology. “It’s okay, Hoon. I’m glad you told me. I guess I’m just…confused. Why did he reject me if he allegedly liked me?” 

“I wish I knew. He was miserable when you left and refused to talk about you moving back to Europe for your final year abroad. Heeseung was really sad when he found out you weren’t coming home for Christmas break.” 

“I couldn’t bear to see him. I was so heartbroken and the friends here tonight were consoling me in the way they knew how. I knew I’d be a depressed wreck if I came back home.”

“That makes sense,” Sunghoon affirms for you. “I’m glad you met up with Jay while he was here, though. You got some kind of Christmas gift from home.” 

“Me too. I feel like Jay and I got closer because of it. I knew he could tell something was off but he didn’t say anything about it. Something tells me he knows more than he cares to say.” 

“You know Jay.” You both nod. “More observant and caring than the rest of us. Part of me thinks Heeseung’s jealous of your new friendship with him since the two of you basically planned this whole trip on your own.” 

“Well, Jay has more international travel experience and his dad knows the right people,” you say with a shrug. “I spent four years of my life here. It makes sense.”

“To us, yes. To Heeseung? I think his feelings cloud his judgment.” 

“He never used to confuse me,” you admit. “We used to talk about how much we hated when people made us guess how they felt or what they were thinking. We always said it was unfair if you make people you love, make you guess their intentions. But he’s doing that to me and it’s been driving me insane.

“Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I watched him date girls in high school. I watched him with what I thought would be his first serious girlfriend during our first year of college before he went through that short hookup phase. God, that hurt me so bad and I couldn’t say anything because it wasn’t my life.” 

“For what it’s worth, I think it was brave of you to confess to him,” Sunghoon tells you. “I don’t say that as a cheap cop out to make you feel better either. You know me, I’m really sentimental about things even if I don’t come off that way. To confess your feelings to someone who you love…one can only hope to hear that someday.” 

You nudge your shoulder with his. “You say that like you didn’t have girls begging for a date.” 

Sunghoon laughs and you know what he means. 

“You’ve always been the bravest of all of us,” he continues. “I think the reason why I wanted to be friends with you when we were kids is because you didn’t take bullshit from people. I was too shy to stand up for myself between my career as a figure skater while trying to be a normal kid. You and Heeseung offered that kind of normalcy. I could see you two in the bleachers at my competitions and then we’d go out for ice cream like it was any other day.” 

“Well, now you’re going to make me cry.” 

“I mean it, Y/N. You’re a great friend and a great person. I hope Heeseung hasn’t fucked things up too bad that you leave his life for good.” 

You shiver. “Me too.” 

“Talk to him,” Sunghoon advises. “Do it before we leave. You’re removed from your life back home.” You open your mouth to refute but he beats you to the chase. “If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll know your answer when you go home and you can resume your life without Heeseung in it.” 

Sunghoon leaves you alone with your thoughts but makes you promise that you’ll join the group soon.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

When you walk back into the pub, Jake clouds your personal space before you can even think about ordering another drink.

“Jesus, Hoon. Couldn’t you have offered Y/N your jacket if you guys were gonna be out that long? Poor girl looks like she’s about to freeze to death.

Jake’s affinity for the dramatic never ceases. Your friends look at your goosebumps and the way you’re acclimating to the warmer temperature inside while Sunghoon merely rolls his eyes.

“I’m fine,” you say. “We only came in because I started to get cold.”

“Let me get my jacket for you,” Heeseung says as he rises from his seat. 

“No.” You’re sure you say it too abruptly, but you can’t bear the thought of wearing his clothes after the conversation you just had. “I’m fine, honestly.” 

“Stop being stubborn and wear a damn jacket,” Leo chides, wrapping his coat around your shoulders. “You have this habit of never bringing one when you need it and it drives me crazy.” 

“But that’s what I have you for, don’t I?” 

As you tug the material closer to your body, Sunghoon watches as Heeseung stares at Leo with a hard expression. 

“Not when you’re back in Seoul, you goof.” Leo takes your empty glass. “I’m glad you have these guys back at home. They seem really good for you.” 

“I love them a lot.” You say it so tenderly with your head tilted as you look at the boys you’d call family, only for them to coo at your clearly vulnerable, inebriated state.

“My mother, my older sister, and best friend,” Riki says with a hiccup as he engulfs you in a hug. “Seriously, I would be dead in a ditch without you.” 

“I don’t know a better person,” Sunoo chimes in from where he’s seated. 

“There was one time where Y/N had this lemon phase where she couldn’t stop drinking lemonade or eating lemon candy,” Jake tells the group. “Now I think of her every time I see something yellow.” 

“That’s kind of fitting though, isn’t it?” Leo asks. “Yellow for sunshine.” 

Everybody agrees and it makes your cheeks and neck warm up. You hide yourself in Leo’s jacket, but God, Heeseung wishes he could hide you in his arms instead. 

Still, he can’t help but agree with Leo. If there’s any truth to his words, it’s that you are made of pure, unfiltered sunshine.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, all eight of you board the train for a two-hour ride to Paris. For the next five days, you’ll be acting as a tourist rather than tour guide, for the most part. Jay volunteers to take the lead since you did most of the heavy lifting in London. You do, however, chime in to give him a few recommendations from your prior visits to the city. 

Sunghoon’s advice plagues your thoughts, so much so that Jungwon has had to guide you out of the hotel and into the cab before arriving at the train station. Both he and Sunoo look a bit worried about you, but you wave them off and tell them you had one too many to drink. You know they don’t believe you but you’re grateful they don’t press on. 

Paris is much more beautiful than you remember it, and it’s likely due to the fact that you’re here on vacation, not because you wanted a weekend getaway to escape the stress of midterms and exams. The people are just as indifferent as ever. You’re able to practice some of your basic French to order coffee and pastries for everyone. It’s a feat that leaves Heeseung impressed and you try not to acknowledge him when you see his jaw drop. 

The hotel itself is more beautiful than the last. You have the room with the balcony and double doors leading to a breathtaking view of the buildings and streets below. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen, even if the streets are littered with trash and the people are a bit too loud. It still feels charming. 

The rooming situation is the same as London, with you in the single room and the rest of the boys to fend for themselves. This time, Jungwon, Jay, and Sunghoon are sharing the three bedroom with Heeseung and Jake sharing another, and Sunoo and Riki in the other double. The hotel must’ve miscalculated the rooming situation and put your single room at the end of the hallway away from the others, but you aren’t complaining. 

The first few days are filled with happiness and dread, namely when you see Heeseung as you begin your day. He has a knack for making you laugh until you come to the notion that you really shouldn’t be finding his jokes very funny because he doesn’t deserve that kind of reaction from you. 

In fact, he doesn’t deserve your attention after ignoring you for as long as he has. Seeing Leo again brought up memories of crying in his flat with Elizabeth and drinking too much wine to forget the pain temporarily. Your friends invited you to a night spent in the pub after Leo begged his brother to close it for the night so that you could have a free space to drink and talk about Heeseung until your voice gave out. 

Your irritation carries over and Heeseung can tell when you move away from him when he tries to stand next to you. He’s hurt but he tries to understand that you have a right to be, even if he knows in his heart the reasons why he acted the way he did. He just needs to find time to talk to you, even if the conversation doesn’t end the way he hopes it will. 

With two days left on the trip, you’ve eaten your way through the streets of Paris and have done your fair share of shopping. Each of the boys had bought you a small token of their appreciation (Heeseung paid for your latte, Jay purchased a small wallet from Prada, Jake gifted you new sunglasses, Sunghoon a charm for your bracelet, Sunoo a bowl of pasta for lunch, Jungwon a pair of earrings, and Riki a new jacket that looks similar to his from back home). It warms your heart to know you have people who care about you enough to show and tell you. 

The Eiffel Tower calls your name one late afternoon and by the time you all manage to walk up, the sun is setting below the horizon. There are couples around Heeseung who are taking photos left and right, one of which asks him to take a few pictures for them. He can’t help but wish he was in their place, asking a stranger to take a photo of the two of you as he kisses the apple of your cheek. Heeseung snaps a few good ones before the couple thanks him. 

It doesn’t help that you look like a walking goddess. Truth be told, Heeseung wanted to buy you more than just coffee when the boys agreed to each give you something as a token of their gratitude. Heeseung had come up with a list of ideas he wanted advice for, but it was Sunghoon who’d told him to keep it simple for your sake. He was right, as always, because you thanked him with a pleasant smile instead of ignoring him like you had in the days prior. Heeseung gets the feeling that you wouldn’t appreciate a grand gesture from him right now.

He hates that he can’t read you like he used to. He hates that the other friends know you better than he does, and he hates that he’s in the City of Love and he can’t call you his girlfriend. 

Riki and Jungwon are more perceptive than they let on. Heeseung sees the way their eyes dart between the two of you and how they’ve been trying their best to navigate the new dynamic. Riki, especially, hadn’t been receptive of Seulgi the first time Heeseung invited her to a bonfire. Heeseung had overheard the younger boy telling Jungwon it wasn’t the same without you there and that he’d rather go home than spend another minute getting to know someone who wasn’t you. 

At the time, Heeseung was beyond irritated and refused to speak to Riki for the rest of the night. Now, however, he understands why Riki acted the way he did. 

You look so beautiful underneath a Parisian sunset. Heeseung knows he’s staring. He’s grateful that you’re too preoccupied with Sunghoon taking photos of you. But God, he wishes you’d laugh at him like that. 

“You should talk to her,” Jake says from beside him. Heeseung jumps at his sudden appearance. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“I want to.” Heeseung says it out loud for the first time. He wants to work it out with you and get his best friend back in whatever way you’ll allow. “I miss her, Jake. I miss being her friend and I fucked up when I rejected her.” 

Heeseung doesn’t notice Jake’s eyes widen at the sudden admission. Jake had his fair share of theories and considered Heeseung to be his best friend, but even he knew there was a limit about what he was willing to share and what he kept to himself. Heeseung’s friendship with you was something he stopped trying to learn a few years after he got to know you; Heeseung had a soft spot for you and had no problem letting people know that. It wasn’t until you mentioned to Jake that you hadn’t spoken to Heeseung in months that he knew something was up. 

“She clearly cares about you,” Jake says. “She wouldn’t be on this trip if she didn’t.”

“But she’s been ignoring me the past three days. And before you say it, yes, I know that she has a valid reason to, but I’m hurt and I want to make things better.”

“You have to let her take the reins and let her talk to you when she wants to,” Jake advises. “You know how she is. Y/N’s headstrong and she might not know how she feels right now, but she always knows what’s best for her. You’re good for her, Heeseung. Let her come to that conclusion on her own.”

Heeseung relinquishes his breath. “You’re right. I just…miss her. A lot. Things will never go back to the way they used to but I don’t think I want them to. I used to pray every night that I could somehow make everything like it was before that night but now I want more than that. She deserves better and I want to be better for her, not that coward who was too scared to try something new with the person he loves.” 

His friend’s words bring a smile to Jake’s lips. “Well I, for one, believe in you. I think the rest of the guys do too.” 

“I know,” Heeseung says softly with his eyes on you.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

You can’t believe you leave Europe in two days as you sip your wine. Jay’s father was gracious enough to reach out to his friend at the hotel’s restaurant to negotiate having this meal compensated. It’s a gesture you hold onto and make a mental note to write a thoughtful note when you settle back in Korea. Jay sits next to you and partakes in the wine activities with you, namely picking out two different bottles to share with the table. Talking to Jay like this makes you feel otherworldly, like you’ve gotten more experience out of life since you chose to study abroad. You feel lucky, in a sense, that your life has given you more than you expected it too. 

The younger boys head upstairs after dessert and bid you all a goodnight in case they don’t see you before falling asleep. For the next thirty minutes or so, it’s the five of you laughing away at the hotel bar like old times, reminiscing about embarrassing moments from high school or how difficult it was to hear Jake’s Korean when he first moved. 

The Australian leaves as soon as he yawns. Sunghoon, a little too tipsy upon standing from the bar table, presses a gentle kiss to your head when he says goodnight to the rest of you. Jay gives your arm a reassuring squeeze and you understand for the first time that he always knew you better than he let on. He says goodnight and tells the bartender to charge his room whenever you two close the tab. 

Now, you and Heeseung are sitting together, mere inches apart as the Parisian sky twinkles with stars above the two of you. 

Neither of you know what to say. You fidget with the glass and contemplate on whether you should head up as well. Heeseung can sense your awkwardness and wish he hadn’t messed things up so badly that you can’t stand to be alone with him without thinking of an escape plan. He misses when the two of you could sit in complete silence and still feel comfortable around one another. 

“Thank you for showing us around,” he speaks up before you can make the decision to leave. “I remember you talking about all of the places you showed us when you first moved here. I’ve always wanted to visit.” 

“Really?” 

Heeseung nods. “I used to be so jealous that you got the opportunity to travel abroad every time you talked about it. But I think I like it better this way, with you as the tour guide.” 

That brings a laugh out of you and Heeseung can’t help but smile. He doesn’t care if it’s the alcohol allowing your walls to come down. He’s grateful for the chance. 

“I used to write down places I wanted to show you,” you confess. “There were so many places that reminded me of where we’d used to hang out as kids. It always felt like there was a part of you with me.” 

His heart melts. “I wish I could’ve visited you while you were here. Your friends seem pretty cool.” 

“They are.” Heeseung watches you smile. “They’ve been with me through a lot and helped me get over this fear of failing in a different country. My friend Suki, who now lives in Tokyo, was the first person to really get me out of my shell and convinced me to go out. Awkward Y/N? Going to clubs?” 

“You know how to dance, though. I bet you killed it.” 

“A little too much, perhaps. I didn’t date or hook up much, but there were a few times that I did.” Heeseung’s heart begins to sink as does his hope. This is not where he wanted to lead the conversation but his ears perk up at your next point. “But I wasn’t happy doing that so I stopped making out with random guys on the dance floor.”

“If only thirteen-year-old you could see you then,” he teases. You bump his shoulders with yours and he feels electricity running down his arm. 

“I think I did a good job adjusting and learning. There were times where I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing with my life because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay in London or go back to Seoul. That burden felt too much.” 

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you came back home.” 

Your head whips to look at Heeseung, who can only sit and watch as your eyes begin to water. 

“Why didn’t you say anything when I texted and called you?” you ask meekly, your voice barely above a whisper. “Why didn’t you see me when I came back?” 

“I know.” He gulps. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so, so sorry.” 

You sniffle and Heeseung wants to cry too. “Everyone came to pick me up at the airport. I kept looking for you but you weren’t there. Jake had to pull me away from baggage claim because he said you weren’t coming but I didn’t listen. I told him he was wrong. You always come.” 

Heeseung’s soul breaks with every crack in your voice and with the way your lips quiver. He sees your mascara beginning to smudge and resists the urge to wipe it away so that your eyes may look fresh and dry. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I have no excuse.” 

“I wanted my best friend but you never showed up for me. You didn’t call or text me when you knew I was home and I had to wait until Riki’s bonfire to see you.”

“I was an idiot and stupid,” is the only answer Heeseung can come up with. “I used to be so scared of change. You left the country and I had to start thinking about what I wanted to do with my life but it was so hard without you in it.”

“Then why did you leave me?” 

His heart shatters. 

You’ve turned away from him in an attempt to walk back to your hotel room. However, Heeseung has learned his lesson. He doesn’t let you stray too far and gently tugs your wrist to pull you into his chest and is surprised when you don’t fight him off of you.

He doesn't care that your tears have stained his shirt or that you’re hiccupping into his clothes. All Heeseung wants to do is let you know he’s here for you now, despite his past mistakes and clouded judgment. Heeseung loves you for your bravery and vulnerability. He can only hope you understand that. 

“Let’s go to your room, yeah? I can help you take your makeup off.”

Whether from the alcohol or your need to be near Heeseung, you let him guide you to the elevator. He digs in your purse for your room key and coaxes you to sit in the bathroom while he locks the door. This routine feels a bit familiar; in his youth, he learned how you like to take your makeup off and get ready for bed after a particularly rough night drinking. He could never understand why he hadn’t minded taking the extra step and to keep himself sober when you were in the vicinity, but he understands it now. 

Heeseung meets you in the bathroom and washes his hands before putting your hair in a ponytail. He bites his lips when he sees your fresh tears and mutters another apology, forcing himself not to wipe away the tears with his fingers. Instead, he lets you blot them with a tissue before gathering makeup remover in his hands and gently smears it all over your skin. 

“I didn’t like change,” he says after a quiet beat. “I was too cowardly to take what I wanted, even if the person I wanted said they wanted me too. I don’t know why I didn’t chase after you that night or why I thought you needed space before you left. I don’t have an explanation for any of it except to say that I was a coward who never wanted anything to change between us.” 

Heeseung warms a wet cloth and wipes the balm away until he’s satisfied and moves on with your favorite cleanser, rubbing it between his hands until it foams. 

“I think, deep down, I’ve always loved you more than I led on. I can’t think of any moment in my life where you weren’t there or times that I didn’t want you around. Even when we were in elementary school and everyone kept saying we would get cooties from each other, I wanted you with me.” 

He lets you wash your face and applies the rest of your products on as you once taught him. 

“I’ve always had this sense of pride when it came to being your friend. Everyone always talked about how cool you were because you always knew what to say and when to say it. I love that about you, you know. You have a way of making people feel like they’re really special. I don’t know why I was so afraid of that.

“I love who you are and what you believe in. You make the world a better place for everyone around you. How you treated me was a small fraction of why I love you. I love your passions and that you aren’t afraid to chase after them. I love that you stick with the same boba order even though you tell yourself you’ll try something new. I love that you hate the beach but go with us every time we ask. I love when you get a little drunk because you don’t fight me when I want to take care of you.”

Heeseung swallows. “But mostly, I just really love you.”

You open your eyes for the first time. Heeseung can only stare. 

“You really hurt me.” 

He glances down. “I know. I’m sorry.” 

“What hurt the most was knowing you weren’t going to be there as my best friend, Heeseung. I could handle your rejection. I could find a way to get over you. But I could never get over losing our friendship. I never wanted you out of my life because it’s better with you in it.” 

“Please don’t get over me,” Heeseung croaks. His own eyes begin to swell and he forces a choked sob down his throat, aggressively wiping his eyes to rid himself of tears. He presses his forehead against yours. “I don’t want you to get over me.” 

You don’t say anything for a few moments. Heeseung swears he feels the blood rushing to his ears as he anticipates your response and he’s sure that even if what you say isn’t what he wants to hear, he’s happy to wear his feelings on his sleeve for once in his life.

“I don’t think I could even if I tried.” 

Heeseung’s heart stops beating. He doesn’t kiss you even though he wants to. He doesn’t take your hand and pull you into him like his heart tells him to. Instead, he whispers a quiet thanks and is surprised when he hears you laugh. 

“I can’t apologize enough. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to do or say anything.” 

“I know,” you whisper. Heeseung's hands are dangling awkwardly by his side. He feels like pushing his forehead against yours was too much. But your hands reach for him and you give him a squeeze.  

Heeseung throws caution out of the window and envelopes you in a hug. He feels your body melt against his and can’t help but look at the way you’ve folded into his chest in the bathroom mirror, with your head in his neck and his cheek on the crown of your head. Heeseung missed holding you like this–with your bodies intertwined as if you were two soulmates who were forced apart upon creation. 

He stroked your back with his hand and kept the other secured around your waist. Your soft breaths touch his skin and it feels like he’s got electricity running through his veins. 

“I’m sorry,” Heeseung whispers again. “I will keep apologizing until you know the depth of my regret.” 

The boy feels like he’s floating when you press a soft kiss to his exposed chest, mentally thanking Jake for forcing him to let loose and unbutton a few. 

“You could start by staying with me until I fall asleep,” you say. “Like old times.” 

He tries not to punch the air. “I can do that.” 

Heeseung waits in the bathroom until you’ve changed into comfortable clothing. He isn’t surprised when he sees you in shorts and an oversized shirt. It’s reminiscent of what you used to wear when you’d sleep in the guest bedroom in his house or vice versa, but now that he’s acknowledged his feelings for you, he can’t help but coo at how cute and sleepy you look. 

You tuck yourself in bed with the blankets to your chin and he completely melts to the floor. You pat the spot next to him and he sits on top of the blankets. 

“Under the covers, silly.” 

“I don’t want to rush it,” Heeseung says in a panic. 

“We aren’t rushing. We’re two best friends who got each other back.” 

Heeseung has never been more relieved. Though, he knows you’re a stickler for outside clothes in bed, so he makes the decision to take your key card and change.

“I’m not leaving you,” he says when he notices you rise from your spot on the bed. He holds two key cards to prove it and leans over to press a soft kiss to your cheek. “I’m going to change and then I’ll be right back. I promise.” 

He comes back ten minutes later. It warms your heart at the sight of him and you feel the comfort in your body when he slides underneath the covers. 

You surprise yourself when you move to lay your head on his chest with your arm around his body. Heeseung doesn’t seem to mind, though, and he pulls you closer to him like you’ve done it a million times before. The two of you have wanted this for too long to make it feel awkward. 

“What did Jake say when you came into the room?” you ask.

“He was half asleep until I turned the light on but he asked me if we resolved things. I told him yes and then he asked if I was staying the night with you when he saw me leaving.”

“Am I right to assume he was more excited about having the room to himself?”

Heeseung laughs. “That you are.”

“Deep down, I think Jake knew we’d find our way. I think they all did.” 

“I’m sorry,” Heeseung whispers once more. You quiet him with a kiss to his cheek. 

“I know, Hee. We can talk more tomorrow. For now, let’s sleep.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, Heeseung wakes up before you do and frowns when your body’s all the way on the other side of the bed. He leans over your sleeping frame and brushes strands of hair from your face, admiring how serene you look in your sleep. For a moment, Heeseung ponders if it’s too soon to wake you up the way he’d like to, but if last night was any indication about how you felt, he’d be willing to take the chance. 

He leans down to kiss your forehead and both of your cheeks repeatedly until your eyes flutter open. Heeseung thinks he could listen to your laugh every morning with the way you wince at the sunlight and how his lips touch your skin. Still, your gaze finds its way to Heeseung’s and you can’t help but smile. 

There was a brief moment before you fell asleep that you’d wondered if you’d been too quick to forgive him. But for as hurtful as the past year was, you can’t help but acknowledge the steps he took during the trip in an attempt to undo all of the contempt you had built for him. You owe it to yourself to be happy with Heeseung. 

“Good morning, pretty girl,” Heeseung says with his morning voice that sounds a little too good for seven in the A.M. “Did you sleep well?”

“Slept like a baby. I feel like one too.”

“That’s because you are a baby,” Heeseung teases, kissing your cheeks and then the tip of your nose. “My baby.” 

“I really want breakfast but I’m too lazy to get up from the bed.”

“We could always order in. I’ll pay.”

You shake your head. “I’ll be too tempted to stay in bed and it’s our last full day in Paris. Let’s just get ready and have breakfast at the hotel restaurant?” 

The both of you are halfway done eating breakfast when the rest of your friends trickle in, joining your table and the ones next to you. It takes them a while to wake up, but it’s Sunghoon who speaks up first. 

“I’m assuming you two talked?” 

“And made up,” you say with a tilt of your head. 

“That’s my girl,” Sunghoon says proudly, sipping on his coffee. 

“I’ll let that slide since we’re all friends,” Heeseung jokes. You laugh and, for the first time in a while, you don’t feel guilty about it. 

“I had the whole room to myself, too. I woke up and didn’t have to fight anyone for the bathroom,” says Jake. 

Riki nearly spits his juice out. “You guys slept together?” 

“Not like that!” you’re quick to exclaim. “He just slept over. Slept. As in, we closed our eyes and actually slept.” 

“Both of us knew we needed our beauty sleep before dealing with the six of you asking us questions,” Heeseung adds. “But for your information, we made up. We still have things to figure out, but we’re back to being friends.” 

“Hopefully more than that,” Jungwon coughs behind his coffee. He merely smiles when Heeseung looks in his direction.

“I think you two should spend the rest of the day by yourselves,” Jay suggests. “We can either meet up for dinner or whenever we have to check out.” 

“I second that,” Sunoo agrees. “You two clearly need to talk.” 

“I wanted to go shopping with Y/N again,” Riki says with a frown. Jake presumably knocks his shin with Riki’s, who clears his throat. “But you two should totally hang out without us.” 

“I think we might,” Heeseung says, holding his hand out for you to take. He stands from his seat and encourages you to stand as well, leading you away from the table. “Thanks for the breakfast, Jay!” 

“I’m choosing to be the bigger person because Y/N’s been through enough,” Jay mutters when Heeseung is out of hearshot, making the table laugh.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

“You know, I think the reason why I had such a hard time reaching out was because we’d never gotten into something that serious before,” Heeseung admits. The gelato in your hand isn’t as good as you remember it, but it does the job to cool you down on a particularly warm afternoon. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you remember when we were kids and how hard it was for me to talk to you about anything that was action movies or superheroes?” 

“God, you and your Superman cape from fourth grade,” you snort. “You wore that thing to school everyday. Your dad had to wash it every night otherwise you’d refuse to go to sleep.” Heeseung shuts his eyes at the memory. 

“You were the only person I felt comfortable pouring my heart out to, you know. You were always the first person I called when I needed someone to talk to, but then I was the reason why you got hurt…I think part of me didn’t know if I was allowed to reach out to you.

“It’s a stupid excuse, I know. But when I heard you were coming back to Seoul a few weeks before you did, I couldn’t help but think about how many times I could’ve texted you.”

“Yeah, you could’ve.” Heeseung merely nods at your agreement. “We’ve been through a lot over the years, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.” 

“I just wish I had come to this conclusion when it happened. I was so caught up in graduating and focusing on how I felt that I didn’t consider how you must’ve been dealing with all of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so selfish in my life.” 

“I think the time you refused to let me be friends with Jake because you said you needed friends aside from me was your second most selfish moment.” 

Heeseung rolls his eyes. “Quit it. I was thirteen, okay?” 

Neither of you particularly care to do any sightseeing today. It feels nice to walk side-by-side without the company of your other friends. The juxtaposition of how you felt towards the beginning of this trip compared to how relaxed you feel surprises you a tenfold, but you suppose that comes with genuine apologies and forgiveness. 

You’re willing to admit Heeseung looks criminally good in black jeans and a striped button down. He wears his clothes so effortlessly yet still looks like he could’ve taken his wardrobe from a magazine. You’ve always found it a bit unfair that Heeseung always manages to look so cool without trying too hard. 

“You’re staring,” he mutters, looking at you from the corner of his eye as the two of you walk down a cobblestone street. 

“I’m not,” you lie. You turn your head to avoid his gaze, but Heeseung thinks he likes seeing you this shy. It’s new territory for him, one that he wants to explore. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Go for it.” 

“Why did you forgive me so quickly?” Heeseung asks. “I appreciate it, I really do, but a big part of me feels like I don’t deserve that just yet.” 

It takes you a while to answer. Why did you forgive him as fast as you did? For a week and a half, being in close quarters with Heeseung made you feel nothing but anxious and on edge, so why were you able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him?

“I’ve always held onto the idea that you’re a good person,” you begin. “I’ve always admired that you intend to care for the people you love and make them feel like they have a place in your life. You’ve always made me feel safe, like I could run to you when things got too hard. 

“What you did was in poor taste, sure, but making bad decisions doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I know you, Hee. I know how you get when you’re faced with a difficult choice and how long it takes for you to come around. I was justifiably hurt but I think a part of me always knew you’d fix it somehow.” 

“I wish I could feel deserving of that kind of forgiveness.” 

“You know me. You know I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t feel like what I’m saying is true. I’ll admit that I shocked myself with how quickly I let my guard down with you…but you’re Heeseung. You've been my best friend since the first grade and you’re the boy I happen to have a really big crush on.” 

Heeseung bites his lips at your confession, willing himself not to be too forward as to kiss you in the middle of the street. He sees your bravery and the way you’ve put your heart directly in the palm of his hand, acting out of vulnerability even though the both of you knew he hurt you once before. 

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. Instead, Heeseung grabs your hands and locks his fingers with yours, squeezing three times to tell you he loves you.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The afternoon comes and goes with little to no plan. Heeseung’s a bit worried that he hasn’t heard anything from the boys and he’s rendered shocked that you’ve taken it upon yourself to let the day take you where it may instead of finding the next spot to visit. 

As if on cue, Jay texts him with plans for the evening. 

jjongcaprio: 20:00, Pétrelle. It’s a five minute walk from the hotel

jjongcaprio: I made reservations for you and Y/N tonight. Don’t worry about me and the boys, just take her out on a romantic date 

jjongcaprio: The bill’s covered. The reservation’s under your name btw

heeseung: bro i cannot ask you to do this 

jjongcaprio: You don’t have to. You and I both know Y/N deserves to be wined and dined 

jjongcaprio: Plus I saw you looking at a few restaurants when we were on the train. I managed to pull some strings for you and got a last minute reservation for tonight

heeseung: thank you jay…i really don’t know what i’d do without you

jjongcaprio: It’s really not a problem, bro. Promise me that you’ll try to be happy with her. The guys and I are rooting for you two

“So,” Heeseung clears his throat as he looks up from his phone, “I think you and I should go out for dinner.” 

“Where are you thinking of going? I can text the others and see if they’re done sightseeing, or whatever it is they’re doing.”

“I mean just us two.” He stands awkwardly when you’ve turned your attention to him, his feet planted on the sidewalk beneath him as if that’ll help steady his beating heart. 

“Like a date?” 

“Yes,” he says immediately. “Like a date. I, Heeseung, am asking you out on a date. Tonight. At eight.” 

“I, Y/N, would love to go on a date with you. At eight.” 

The twinkle in your eye and your coy nature makes him feel like a teenager again. He leads you into the hotel and walks you to your door before stepping back as you step inside. 

“We’ve got an hour and a half before we need to leave. I’ll come by and then we can walk together. The restaurant is only a five minute walk, so you can wear those new heels I know you feel guilty buying.” 

“They’re really pretty though,” you rationalize. 

Heeseung nods. “Gorgeous, actually. Maybe you’ll be as tall as me if you wear them.” 

“We’ll just have to see, won’t we?” 

Heeseung bites his bottom lip as you disappear behind the door, locking eyes with you until you’re completely out of sight. Flirting with you like this is a completely new phenomenon for him. He’s only daydreamed about what you might say if he said something a little too suggestive or how you might act if he dedicated a wink in your direction. Heeseung had never considered that he’d be the one flustered, cheeks reddening to the point where he starts to feel shy. 

His nerves are endless as he picks out an outfit for tonight. Heeseung sends a quick text to his parents, who had pressured him into bringing nice clothes for a fancy dinner, and spends a few minutes updating them on the events of the past few days. His mother is pleased, to put it lightly, and sends a handful of emoticons to display her happiness. His father tells him words of encouragement before making Heeseung promise to bring you for dinner as his girlfriend, not just his best friend. 

With the last touch of his cologne, Heeseung looks at himself in the mirror and tries not to think too hard about how he looks. You’re Y/N, his best friend since he can remember, and you’ve seen him with snot dripping from his nose. 

“I look fine,” he says to himself in the mirror. “Y/N will like the look because your mom picked it out and we know those two agree on everything. Absolutely nothing to worry about.” 

Heeseung’s only regret is he doesn’t have a bouquet of flowers to present you with as he makes his way to your hotel room. He wipes his palms on his trousers and takes a deep breath before knocking on your door. 

When it opens, he’s met with the sight of you in a short black dress that hugs your hips to accentuate your body. The dress itself is an elegant, spaghetti strap number with a flattering neckline paired with jewelry that makes your skin appear to be glowing. Your heels match well with the dress you’ve chosen, so much so that Heeseung’s jaw drops when his eyes rake over your body. 

“Wow,” he mutters. “Just…wow.” 

“I’m not used to you being speechless,” you say mildly, closing the door behind you. 

“You look gorgeous,” he sputters. “I shouldn’t be seen with you tonight.” 

“You’re dramatic, Hee.” You give him a once over and Heeseung thinks he wouldn’t mind you checking him out as you please. “You look handsome as ever.”

He beams at the compliment and holds his arm out for you. 

“Shall we?”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

Heeseung knows the type of person you are and what you value, yet he still renders himself shocked when you allow him to take control of the evening. He knows you don’t need to have the expensive consequences that come with a first date or to be sipping the most luxurious wine to be happy, but Heeseung can’t help but feel like you deserve to feel as elegant as you look every once in a while. 

The host leads the two of you to a table with the most gorgeous view of the Parisian scenery. The twinkling stars paired with the dimly lit restaurant adds a romantic touch to the evening. Heeseung mentally thanks Jay for preparing wine recommendations so neither of you have to think too much about it. 

For a moment, he’s worried that he’s reached too far out of his depth. The fanciest thing Heeseung has ever done with you is eat ramen after prom in your best outfits because you both came to the conclusion that prom should be spent with someone you actually like. It’s funny in hindsight when he thinks about it now. 

You look so beautiful like this, allowing yourself to be taken care of by him. Talking to you over the table feels like you’re back in Korea before all that transpired. The food is impeccable and Heeseung thanks his lucky stars that he and Jay got it right. You sing praises left and right. 

Dinner ends much quicker than he’d like as the two of you finish dessert. The waiter tells him the bill has been taken care of and Heeseung sits in his seat awkwardly as you look out the window to see the view from outside. But he hears the live band in the background and sees a few older couples slow dancing from where he sits and makes up his mind. 

“Do you want to dance?” 

You pull your attention to him. For a moment, he thinks he’s asked the most absurd question known to man when he recalls all the times you refused to make a home on the dance floor until you’ve gotten at least four drinks in your system. 

You surprise him. 

“I’d love to, Hee.” 

The room disappears when he leads you to the dance floor. He mimics the other dancers and takes the lead, swaying your bodies back and forth to the melody of the music. You smell of vanilla and cinnamon, a scent so distinctly you that it makes him grin like a man in love. 

“Thank you for tonight,” you say against his neck. “I won’t lie when I say I feel like a princess.”

“That’s because you are a princess,” Heeseung says, kissing the top of your head. “You deserve to be treated like one.”

“I can’t believe you pulled this off so quickly. Don’t restaurants like these require reservations?”

He chuckles nervously. “About that…Jay helped me with the details. I was looking up restaurants to take you to if I got the chance before our trip ended. I guess he saw the list and chose the most romantic one out of the bunch.”

“I owe Jay a thank you.”

“We both do.” 

“I feel lucky to have people in my life who care about me this much,” you say. “I’m so happy you’re back in my life.” 

“I’m happy to be in it.” Heeseung squeezes your waist. “Deep down, it’s always been you that I’ve loved. There’s not a single person who makes me feel the way you do.”

“Yeah?” 

You feel him nod. “I’ll say it until you believe me. I’ll even yell it in this restaurant right now.” 

“Please don’t,” you laugh. “I believe you.” 

The sound of the melody overtakes the conversation. You feel Heeseung’s steady heartbeat as he expertly moves your bodies together on the dance floor. When you close your eyes, you think of this moment and how badly you want to commit it to memory, no longer in anguish over the tribulations of the past year. It feels nice to let go of your worries, even better that you have Heeseung back. 

“I really want to kiss you,” he murmurs under his breath. You pull your head back.

“Then you should kiss me.” 

Heeseung wastes no time and pulls you into him, one arm around your waist and the other behind your neck. His mouth finds yours when he decides he loves the taste of red wine on your lips. It feels poetic to be kissing you for the first time as you’re both dressed to the nines in the middle of Paris. To him, kissing you feels like a breath of fresh air and the start of something new. For you, kissing him feels like coming home. 

When he pulls back, you search for his eyes. 

“Take me back to the hotel,” you whisper. 

Heeseung feels his heart drop. 

“I’m sorry. We can go back now.”

You grip the collar of his slightly unbuttoned dress shirt when he moves. It’s only then that Heeseung sees the want in your eyes and the pure lust that clouds your pupils. 

“Take me back to the hotel.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

By the time your elevator reaches your floor, Heeseung’s dress shirt is completely unbuttoned with his toned chest exposed. You’re barely able to detach yourself from his mouth when he pushes you out of the contraption. Your hand reaches for his as you pull him towards your room, digging through your purse when you feel Heeseung’s lips on the back of your neck. 

“You look sexy in my jacket,” he mumbles, pressing wet kisses to your skin. 

“L-Let me find the key.” 

“So sexy.” His hands slide up the side of your body until he grips your waist. 

When the door opens, you pull Heeseung inside with you and lock it shut before pushing his dress shirt off of his body, exposing his muscular build and broad shoulders. You aren’t shy about hiding your lust, gazing all over his chest and abdomen as you feel your core drip with arousal. 

“I like it when you look at me like that,” Heeseung says. He reaches for your hand and places it on his chest. You take the liberty to glide your nails down his abdomen, feeling the way he tenses underneath your touch. 

“I’m really wet,” you say as you eye the tent that has grown in Heeseung’s pants. 

“Are you?” he asks. “You won’t mind if I check?” 

You shake your head and Heeseung takes that as a green light, his hands finding the soft fabric of your dress before pushing his hand underneath it. He whimpers when his fingers come in contact with your wet lips. It’s adorable, the way you push yourself against him to chase his lips while he fingers smear your wetness across the fabric of your panties. 

“Bed,” you mumble against his lips. 

He follows where you pull him, loving the way you take control when you push him onto the mattress. Heeseung distracts himself to catch his breath from the overwhelming sense of pleasure to realize that you’ve started to undo his belt buckle and take his hard cock out of his pants. 

“You don’t have to—”

“I want your cock in my mouth,” you plead, looking him in the eye. “Please let me.” 

You sit politely on your knees as you unbuckle Heeseung’s pants. His chest rises and falls in anticipation and he looks down at you to see that your mouth is watering at the sight of him. 

He’s already fully hard; he has been since you started unbuttoning his shirt in the elevator. You spit directly onto the tip of his cock and he bites his lip at the sudden contact before watching as you swipe your hand up and down himself. 

Heeseung doesn’t want to think about how you learned to do what you’re doing to him. He doesn’t want to think about the boys you’ve kissed or the people who got to see you like this before. What he does know, however, is he’s the only person from here on out who will see you on your knees if he can help it. 

Your mouth envelopes the head and Heeseung emits a short grunt. The tension between you two begins to slowly dissipate as you fit more of his cock inside of your mouth. Your tongue expertly traces every ridge and vein as you push your throat down onto him, causing Heeseung to put his palms on the mattress and throw his head back. 

You hum around him when he moans. He’s itching to put his hand behind your head but refuses the idea, letting you set your own pace. Heeseung watches as you switch your angle, sitting up to rest on your knees to push your head further down on him. He witnessed as you spread your legs, a choked moan coming from his throat in conjunction with a particular gag from your mouth. 

There’s spit everywhere. It’s trailing down your lips and connecting to his cock when you pull yourself from his body. It’s seeping to his pants and he’s about to speak up when your motion attaches itself to his sensitive balls, licking at its warmth while your hand strokes him from atop. 

“That’s it. Fuuuuck.”

He bucks his hips once and curses. Heeseung feels your mouth envelop one of his balls, the pressure of your mouth around it making him feel a kind of euphoria he didn’t know was possible. Your mouth moves to the other to give it the same treatment before retreating back to his cock. This time, your hand massages him from below as you suck on him. 

When you look up at him and wink, he decides enough is enough. 

“Baby,” Heeseung pants, attempting to push your head off of him. He thinks it’s so sexy that you’re turned on while giving him a blowjob. “Baby, please stop. I don’t wanna come yet.” 

You oblige and take your mouth off of him with a popping sound. You sit back and Heeseung stares at you through drooping eyelids in pure shock and amazement at how you’ve managed to pull him to a near orgasm as quickly as you did.

“Come here,” he beckons with his fingers.

He attaches his mouth to yours and pushes his tongue inside of your mouth, exploring the warm, wet walls you have to offer. Heeseung decides that he loves the feeling of your tongue against his and lets you suck on the muscle. 

You take your dress off to reveal sheer panties with nothing else on. Heeseung’s jaw drops at your beauty, but he also cannot believe how sexy his best friend’s body is. To him, you were sculpted from the hands of Aphrodite herself with great love and care. And it’s all for him.

“You are so fucking sexy,” he murmurs, hovering over your body to press kisses to the valley of your chest. You let his hands roam and spread your legs to make room for him. 

Heeseung’s head travels back to your chest and you watch as he envelops your right nipple in his mouth. “Your tits are just perfect.” 

He makes a show out of it, hands cupping your breasts to massage them as his mouth works on you. He pushes your tits together and shoves his face between them, inhaling your scent while his tongue gathers whatever taste your body gives him. Heeseung moves to your left nipple and uses his tongue to flick the hardened bud over and over again until you’re arching your chest into his mouth. 

He grinds himself into your core with his pants still loose around his legs. It brings a moan out of your throat and he swallows it whole with his lips pressed firmly against yours. The friction feels delicious with the fabric of your panties against the hardness of Heeseung’s cock. He grinds against you with the help of your hips rolling into his, your natural wetness coating his cock in your essence. 

Heeseung moves his head to kiss your jawline, moving his mouth all over the expanse of your neck until he kisses right below your earlobe. You let out a particularly loud moan when he does, and Heeseung curses.

“Shit. Yeah baby, make those sounds for me. Let me hear your pretty moans.” 

His mouth attacks the area again and you aren’t shy about it. Your hands tangle in his hair as he kisses your neck and grinds his cock against the wet panties, which have by now molded to the shape of your pussy. 

Heeseung groans at the feeling of a particularly wet gush and lifts his hips enough to elicit a whimper out of your mouth. He experimentally lifts his hips again to align himself with you as he did before. The pressure must feel so good because your mouth hangs open with your eyes boring into his. 

“That’s it,” he encourages. “Does my baby feel good?” You can only nod and he doesn’t blame you. “That’s a good baby. Fuck, you’re so wet, it’s driving me crazy.” 

Heeseung feels your legs wrap around him and the way your heel pushes his lower back into your core. He takes the hint and quickens his pace, wanting nothing more than to see you come for him.

“You gotta come for me now, pretty girl,” he coaxed. “You deserve to come. Won’t you do that for me?” 

Heeseung is sure that he’s never seen or heard anything more erotic compared to the vision of watching you come. Your mouth opens with breathy moans as you focus on your pleasure and your eyes squeeze shut as if you’re trying to savor the moment in your mind.

“Atta girl,” Heeseung praises when your hips grind into his. He keeps himself still and lets your body take over. 

You eventually come down and realize Heeseung has yet to come, but that’s the last thing on his mind. He sinks his body down to come face-to-face with your crotch and licks the come off of the soiled fabric of your panties. The sheerness gives him a sneak peek at your pussy, and he groans when he licks a slow, fat strip up your slit.

“You taste so fucking delicious, baby.” He licks at you again, faster this time. “Tastes like milk and honey.” 

Heeseung kisses your wet panties over and over again, his soft lips providing jolts of pleasure. His hands roam around the soft flesh of your thighs and squeezes them as if he remembers you’re all his to touch. The feeling is one you want to commit to memory, but it seems like Heeseung knows your mind is working overtime because he reaches his hand to find yours and gives it a reassuring squeeze. 

You let his hand go when he pulls it from you to slide the useless barrier down your legs and to undo the straps of your heels. He takes great care to kiss your skin tenderly, starting by your ankle and making his way down just shy of where you need him the most. Heeseung repeats the process on the other leg until he comes face to face with your glistening core, licking his lips as if he doesn’t know where to start. 

“Such a pretty pussy,” he says before placing a soft kiss to your clit.

He repeats the motion, kissing your folds like they’re delicate antiquities that need to be handled with the utmost care. His lips become covered with your essence; he feels you squirm underneath him and uses the expanse of his palms to gently pry your legs open for him, soothing the soft skin of your inner thighs. 

Heeseung tentatively licks your slit and decides he loves the sound of your moans when he has his mouth on you. He does it again, dragging his tongue to feel every ridge and crevice that he’s yet to explore. His mouth feels like a warm comfort with the slow pace he sets, licking you as if he’s trying to tell you how much he loves you without saying it. 

“You taste divine.” 

You look down below to see his hair covering his eyes and brush it away with your hands. Heeseung looks right into your soul and you feel your heart clench, causing you to roll your hips into his face. He merely buries his nose close to you until he bumps your clit with the tip, pushing his wet muscle into you deeper. 

When your moans get lighter and your breathy sounds are the only audible thing in the room aside from his own moans. You open your eyes to see Heeseung humping the mattress below you. The sight is so erotic that you can’t help but let out a loud whine at the thought of Heeseung pleasuring himself while pleasuring you. 

He brings his fingers to your pussy and sways his fingers back and forth until he foregoes his slow pace, favoring a faster one. He abuses your swollen clit while you can only lay there and watch him play with you. Heeseung expertly inserts his middle finger into your seeping hole and bites his lip to concentrate on getting you to come again. 

“I need it,” he confesses, bringing his mouth to lick you as he adds another finger. “I need you to come for me again, baby. Can you do that for me?’

“Yes, Hee,” you pant. “I wanna come so badly.”

“You can do it, baby. You’ve been such a good girl tonight, giving me the best head and letting me make you come. I think you deserve to feel good.” 

“I do,” you nod rapidly. “Fuck, I think I’m coming.”

“That’s right,” he coos, hammering his digits into you while his tongue laps up the juices leaking from your pussy. “So good. You taste so fucking good. Give it to me.” 

He doesn't relent until he’s satisfied. Heeseung cleans the come from your lips as best he can while sneaking his hand to his cock, pumping himself as he tastes your orgasm on his tongue. 

“You’ve crazy,” you mutter as you settle from your high, loving the feeling of Heeseung’s mouth tenderly licking you clean. 

“For you.” He pulls his face away and wipes the back of his hand before pressing a kiss to your clit. 

When he rises to take his pants and boxers off, he sees you with your arm covering your face. 

“Are you doing okay?” 

“Perfect, actually,” you sigh. You remove your arm to see him with his cock in his hands and motion him to come towards the edge of the bed as you crawl on your knees before sitting upright to pull him into a searing kiss. 

“That might be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen you do,” Heeseung says against your mouth. “It’s better than porn, if I’m being honest.” 

You grab his cock and stroke him. “I’ll consider letting you take a video of me when we get back home if you fuck me right now.” 

“Turn around,” he says after an open-mouthed kiss.

You follow his instructions and he groans to himself as you present your perfect pussy to him again. Heeseung sinks to his knees and smacks your ass before shoving his tongue into your hole. He spreads your asscheeks apart and digs his nose against you, licking up the wetness and remnants of your orgasm like it’s his last meal. His tongue licks up your body until he finds your wrinkled muscle and presses a soft kiss to your tightest hole. 

The surprise comes to him when you moan softly. Your body doesn’t jerk away. Rather, you spread your legs further for him and Heeseung moans against your pussy before bringing his tongue to lick over the muscle again. 

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” he asks, dipping his tongue back in.

“Better than I imagined.” 

“You imagined my tongue in your ass, baby?” 

You nod. “I’ve always wanted to know what that feels like.” 

Heeseung doesn’t give you a verbal answer. Instead, he spits into your hole and watches it dribble down to your pussy, licking his way from your incredibly wet folds to your hole once again. He licks over the expanse with the surface of his tongue one, twice, three times before you’re whining for his cock. He wastes no time tearing open the condom and hurriedly places it on himself. 

The first stretch of his cock in your pussy makes him see Heaven. The sharp gasp that comes from your mouth is music to his ears and he’s careful to sink himself into you slowly, inch by inch until you’re telling him he can go further. 

His cock impales you at such a perfect angle that it has you falling to your elbows, your back arched so perfectly that he’s sure you’d be the most popular pornstar if you really wanted to be. He keeps half of his cock in you to allow you to adjust, but he underestimates just how cock hungry you are because you back yourself until he’s filling you to the brim.

“Baby’s such a slut, isn’t she?” Heeseung wonders out loud. He grins when you nod. “I love you like that. So dirty for me.” 

“Only for you,” you say, cheek pressed to the mattress when Heeseung thrusts in you. 

The sound of skin slapping echoes throughout the room. It doesn’t take long for your wet juices to glisten over the back of your thighs and onto Heeseung’s. His hands find purchase on your hips as he pulls your body close to him, loving the way your choked moans become muffled by the mattress below. 

“So. Fucking. Tight,” he moans with detailed thrusts. “So. Fucking. Wet.” 

He climbs on the bed and plants his feet on the blankets, holding your body in place as he pounds into you from above. The angle has you seeing stars and rips moan after moan from you. 

Heeseung grins wickedly. “Such a fuckable body. So perfect.” 

His degradation paired with praise ignites a fire inside of you. You can only moan louder to let Heeseung know exactly how he’s making you feel and you can’t help but think you deserved to be fucked exactly the way Heeseung is fucking you.

The pleasure feels like an explosion of a thousand suns. Your body is warm from the hours you’ve spent in the hotel room and your neighbors getting a good night’s sleep is the least of your concerns. Heeseung’s cock drills into you from above like he’s a sex god and it nearly brings you to tears. 

He turns you over carefully until you’re laying flat on your back with your head propped against the pillows. He steals one from you and puts it underneath the small of your back to create leverage before lining up his cock with your entrance and pushing himself in again.

Heeseung thrusts like he’s got to prove just how in love with you he is. Your wanton moans fill the room with his low grunts as his cock continually hits the one spot that makes you see stars, over and over again.

But you know he could do more to make you feel better. He must notice you in deep thought because he slows his hips. 

“What is it, baby?” Heeseung asks when he notices your eyebrows knit together. “Is this okay? Do you need me to stop so we can take a break?”

“Take it off,” you whisper. His hips have faltered and his pace stutters at your words.

“Take what off?”

“The condom.” Heeseung nearly chokes. “Take the condom off.” 

“Baby—”

“I just wanna feel you.” 

Heeseung curses and his hips automatically drill into yours at the request out of pure shock. He can’t lie to himself. He’s thought about it multiple times since you left for Europe and as he’s come to term with his feelings for you. The cute fantasies about taking you on dates to dinner or drive in theaters transform into daydreams about dirty affairs in his bedroom with his seed leaking out of your perfect hole. 

Still, he doesn’t believe it.

“Please, Hee,” you plead, arching your chest towards him. “Let me feel you. Don’t you want to come inside me?”

“Fuck,” he falters, his forehead on yours. “You can’t just say that…I can’t be risky with you.” 

“Yes you can.” He watches you bite your lip and feels your hands push him off of you. Heeseung doesn’t put up a fight when he slips out of your warm hole and feels your hands grip his cock, desperately trying to tug the condom off of him. 

Heeseung sees the pathetic rubber in your hands when you bring it up for him to see. It’s glistening and his mouth drools at the sight, lips parting enough as if he stares at it in disbelief. He groans lowly in your ear as he peppers a few wet kisses to your neck. 

You spread your legs wider in the air and grip his cock in your head, pumping him a few times before letting his bare tip rest against your hole. His sharp intake is enough to make you bite your lip. 

“Pussy’s so wet,” he says against your neck, pushing an inch inside of you. “God, I could come like this.”

“You can.” 

“No, baby. Gonna fuck you the way you deserve before I come.”

With that sentiment, Heeseung pushes himself inside of you until he’s fully sheathed within your walls. He relishes the way you gasp at the sudden movement and he uses this angle to his advantage, positioning his ear next to your mouth to hear your delicious sounds. 

He moves his hips at such a pace that it makes you feel like your body’s bouncing on top of the soft mattress below you. Heeseung presses his chest against yours to kiss you like his life depends on it, tongue invading the privacy of your mouth but you couldn’t care less where his mouth goes. He can feel your nipples on his skin and groans into your mouth when you clench at a particularly hard thrust. 

“S-So good,” you stutter against his mouth with a breathy moan. Heeseung feels your arm around his shoulders, scratching at his back. “Fuck, fuck!”

“Mhm,” he coaxed. “Such a good baby. You look so pretty underneath me.” 

With a new sense of purpose, Heeseung lifts himself to push himself into you at a deeper angle. He forces his hips into you harder, your hands coming to your chest to cup your tits to give you something to hold in the meantime.

“That’s right, beautiful. Squeeze your tits for me.” 

You do, pinching and twisting your nipples until you hear Heeseung moan above you. It sounds nearly animalistic, the way his throat emits a groan that sounds so primal. He sees the dirty smile you paint your mouth with and leans his head down to press a kiss to your forehead before his hand comes to your cheeks, squeezing them between my fingers.

“You like it when I fuck you like this?” Heeseung asks, hips rolling against your own pelvis. When you nod, he gives you a nasty smile of his own and gives you a few harsh thrusts for good measure before pulling himself off of your chest with his cock still inside of you. 

Heeseung sits on his knees and pulls out just far enough where his hot tip remains buried inside of you, relishing in the panty breaths you emit as he watches your chest rise and fall. You look so beautiful to him with your hair messed up against the pillow beneath you and with a few faint hickeys on your chest and neck. Heeseung thinks that all of his wildest dreams could never compare to how gorgeous you look when you’re positioned directly where he wants you. 

You don’t complain when he pulls out to rest his cock on your wet, bare pussy. You wince at the loss and let him slide himself up and down, biting your lip when he grazes your swollen clit over and over again. 

The man above you lifts your right leg so that he can grip you tighter. You relinquish any control left in your body as Heeseung curses and kisses the side of your ankle. He dips the head of his cock inside and thrusts shallowly as if to tease, but you know he’s exploring all the way his cock looks like against your own body. 

It feels euphoric. The whole affair is dirty, but it’s the kind of dirty that makes you want to do it again. It’s the kind of dirty that makes this night an event you’ll want to remember for the rest of your night because Heeseung had poured his entire heart and soul for you to take. 

For Heeseung, this pleasure is less about knowing you have him permission to put himself inside you. You’ve always been so sure of yourself and your body; it’s something Heeseung has always admired about you as a person. Growing up with your insecurities of relationships and dating might’ve made you feel like a late bloomer; to Heeseung, your tendency to keep your head straight has always been a testament to how knowledgeable you are about yourself and about others. You save yourself for people who are worthy of you, and god, does he want to be worthy of you.

“I love you,” Heeseung whispers from above you. His eyes are closed and he pays no mind to the feeling your pussy gives him. Flashes of your memories stitch together like a film reel with your laughter as the soundtrack. He doesn’t think he wants to hear anything else for the rest of his life. 

Just for good measure, he whispers it again. “I love you so much.” 

“And I love you.”

Heeseung opens his eyes to see your tender ones, cheeks flushed from the sudden compliment. He always liked that he knew how to get you to blush when no one else couldn’t. This time, a sense of pride blooms in his chest. 

“I’ll never let you down,” he confesses. “And if I do, I’ll make it up to you. I promise.” 

“I know, baby.” Heeseung’s hand cups your cheek and caresses it. “I trust you.” 

That’s enough for him to release your leg from his grip and pound himself into you like his life depends on bringing you to peak happiness. 

Heeseung’s palms are planted firmly on either side of your body as his hips roll gracefully against yours, the hot, wet mess between the two of you splashing on both of your thighs. He watches your eyes close shut and as your back arches to relieve some of the pressure, feeling somewhat proud of himself when he watches as your hands grab at the sheets for stability. 

There’s nothing that compares to watching you orgasm. Your eyebrows knit as if you’re concentrating while your mouth stands slightly ajar at the euphoric feeling of that single knot that’s threatening to come undone until it does. All of the girls he’s deluded into thinking he liked could never compare to the looks and sounds you’re making. 

“That’s it,” he coaxes softly. “Cream my cock, baby. That’s a good girl.” 

Heeseung feels you push and clench around him, gushing until there’s nowhere left for your come to go. He peeks down at where the two of you meet and groans when he sees his cock becoming painted in a sheer layer of white. It edges him on and the moment he locks his eyes with yours, his hips begin to stutter and he spills all he has to offer inside of you. 

He comes with short breaths as if he can’t believe you’ve allowed him to do so. Your hips move up and down as if to milk him for all he’s worth while Heeseung’s trying his best to balance his body on top of yours, grateful that some of his gym workouts prevent him from completely collapsing on top of you to.

His come seeps from your bodies and he pulls out, a few droplets splattering on your pussy lips. He nudges the tip against it, smearing his paint across your canvas and marveling at the sight. 

“My good girl,” he murmurs, eyes locked in at his handy work.

“I’ve never let anyone come inside of me,” you say with a fond expression. Your arm comes to brush Heeseung’s hair from his face before cradling his cheek when he looks at you in surprise. 

“Really?” 

You nod, biting your cheek. “Well, I always knew you were it for me. I didn’t want anyone else tainting what’s yours.” 

“Mine?” he asks, catching his breath. “You mean it? You’re mine.”

“I’m yours, Hee.” 

“All mine,” he mutters to himself in disbelief. 

You still feel his cock working itself against you. He’s still hard, a wonder after your hours locked away in your hotel room. It makes you laugh.

“No one has ever compared to you either,” Heeseung says. He doesn’t take his eyes off of you as he continues toying with your pussy. “Even when I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t like you.”

You laugh. “Well that’s good to hear. I realized all the guys I went after while I was abroad either looked like you or reminded me of you.” 

“I can confidently and stupidly say the same.” 

Your laughs echo through the room. Heeseung pulls your body upright, not caring that your mixed come is leaking on his cock and his bare lap. He kisses you with tender care, lips moving at a slow pace while his hands roam over the expanse of your back while your hands are on his broad shoulders. Heeseung could live like this everyday if you’d let him. 

You smile midway through when you feel his fully hardened cock against you. Heeseung apologizes quietly against your lips but feels you shake your head, pulling back to push him against the headboard until he’s comfortably seated. 

He looks at your pussy when you hover above him, the white cream still sticking to you as you grip his cock. Heeseung can’t believe his eyes when he understands what you’re about to do. Before he can even think, you align yourself with his cock and sink until you’re stuffed with him.

“Shit,” he curses through his teeth. 

“What good is coming inside of me if you don’t do it again and again, Hee?” 

“That might be the hottest thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

“Oh, yeah?”

You don’t move just yet, opting to press small kisses to Heeseung’s face. You kiss his forehead, both temples, his nose, both eyelids, and the apples of his cheeks before placing a kiss to his lips. 

“Before we leave, I want you to fuck me against that window,” you say, turning your head to the window that glimpses the city below. 

“But people can see,” is Heeseung’s first comment.

“So?” 

He chokes and when you feel his cock twitch inside of you, you can’t help but laugh at him.

“I’ve heard talk about your escapades, Lee. Why so shy with me?” 

He smacks your asscheek. “Naughty girl. Didn’t know you were nasty like that.” Heeseung gives you that kind of teasing smile that has you folding for him all over again. “Alright then, humor me. What else do you want to do before we leave?” 

“I’d love to give you a blowjob while we shower, too.” 

“That can certainly be arranged. Anything else?” 

You look around the room. “I kind of want to see you eat me out while I sit on the desk chair. Makes me think you’re some kind of secretary who’s desperate for my pussy.”

“I am desperate for your pussy,” Heeseung reminds you. “What if I’m the stone cold CEO and you’re the cute secretary whose ass I dream about?” 

You swat his chest. “This is my fantasy. You can have yours when we get home.” 

Heeseung raises his eyebrow. “Mm, you sure?”

“Positively,” you nod. Heeseung’s hands travel from your ass to your hips and guides you up and down his cock, letting you set the pace after the brutal first round from a few minutes prior. 

“Gonna fuck you in and on my car, since you like being watched so much,” Heeseung teases. His words seem to make your pussy clench and hips move faster. He forgoes any shyness when speaking about his fantasies and spills his every thought.

“I always thought you looked so cute in your old school uniform. I’ve always wanted to take you in that skirt they gave you.”

“I’ll buy one of those sexy schoolgirl costumes and surprise you for your birthday,” you say, locking your eyes with him. “Oh, professor! Is there anything I can do to raise my grade?”

Heeseung laughs at your antics, but the images of you in the costume aforementioned makes his grip on your body tighter. 

“I selfishly want to watch you suck me off while I play with the guys.” He says it in a way that makes him avert his gaze and you can see a faint blush on his face. “I-I saw this video on Twitter. It looks hot.”

“I can do that for you.” You kiss both of his burning cheeks.

“But mostly, I just want you to sit on my face. Mad at me? Sit on my face. Sad? Sit on my face. Happy to see me? Sit on my face.” 

“Simp,” you grunt, thighs burning from pushing yourself on and off of Heeseung’s cock. 

“And proud.” He smacks both ass cheeks again. “Now what do you say, baby? If you ride me until you come, you can blow me in the bathroom before I fuck you in front of the entirety of Paris. Can you do that for me?”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, you meet Heeseung and the rest of the guys in the lobby while Jay checks out on behalf of all of you. Jake’s the first to see you coming. 

“You’re glowing and I don’t know if I like that.” He raises his eyebrow at Heeseung, who has pulled you into him by your waist. 

“At least some of us are getting laid,” you retort. “I don’t recall seeing anyone do the walk of shame even though you had the room to yourself.” 

Riki and Sunoo don’t try to contain their laughter as Jake’s cheeks turn a shade of pink. He rolls his eyes when you look at him, but shakes his head and punches your arm with your first. 

“Nah, I’m really glad you two got that out of your system and worked it out.”

“You guys had major sexual tension,” Sunoo comments. 

“Thank God Y/N’s room was at the end of the hall,” says Sunghoon. “I don’t know how their neighbors felt but I can sleep peacefully knowing I didn’t have to hear all of that.” 

“Okay, enough,” Heeseung laughs. “We get it, we had a lot of sexual tension and now we’re fine.”

“So you guys are boyfriend-girlfriend?” Jungwon asks. 

“Y/N is my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend.” 

“I will key his car if he hurts you again,” Riki tells you, looking at Heeseung after he’s finished speaking. You detach yourself from his waist and bring your arms around Riki to give him a squeeze.

“Thanks, Riki.”

“Okay, we should call the cabs right now so we can get to the airport early,” Jay says from behind you. 

“Jay is such a dad,” Jungwon whispers. 

He pays no mind to Jungwon’s words, instead focusing on the way Heeseung pulls you into his chest. It warms his heart in ways he can’t explain.

“Congratulations, you two. Let’s go home.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

add yourself to my taglist !!

taglist: @baevsxii @lillotus17 @syzavxy @mrmld @nikilvrfvr.

[pprodsuga]

two years :’)

[paarksunghoon]

my baby is a bird (two)

SUMMARY: Is three years enough time to heal and move on? Just when you think you’ve got your life figured out, Sunghoon comes barging in and disrupting the peace you’ve built for yourself in the name of fixing his mistakes. It stirs up old feelings and dangerous habits, but Sunghoon is determined to show you that you’re the only one for him, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make you love him again.

WORD COUNT: 21.4K

PLAYLIST: the playlist + ego death at a bachelorette party

SERIES MASTERLIST

NOTES: sunghoon redemption incoming...!!! I've also decided that there's no rhyme or reason to this fic because I definitely thought this was just going to be two parts... surprise shawty there's gonna be another part

please reblog and leave a comment (or two!). If you’d like to be added to the taglist, let me know :) warnings under the cut x

WARNINGS: the use of 'yn' once (i don't like using this but unfortunately it had to be done), descriptions of past alcohol dependency, brief relapse, jay makes his return, sunghoon is a #simp but she doesn't know it yet. don't come @ for me for typos

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

I've come to terms My baby is a bird When you're in the sky I'm hoping you'll return

What can I say Knew it right away You are what you are And I feel like a cage

AUGUST 2012

“It’s kind of weird that she follows you around.” 

Zimo Zhao makes an off-handed observation during the lunch period in the tenth grade. He’s an international student from Shanghai, but he’s been living in Korea for the last three years because his parents think this academy will be crucial for his success in the family business. He goes back to China during holiday breaks and he prefers the warm weather over the frostbite, oftentimes updating Sunghoon and his new group of friends about his adventures and the welcomed trouble he finds himself in. To Sunghoon at the tender age of fifteen, Zimo seemed like the coolest person alive and he wanted nothing more than to be friends with him.

“You think so?” 

Zimo laughs like it’s obvious. “Yeah. She looks out of place, don’t you think? From what you’ve told me, she’s been forcing herself onto you since you guys were kids. That’s a little pathetic.”

Sunghoon frowns. “I mean, she’s my best friend.” 

“No, I’m your best friend,” Zimo says, grinning at Sunghoon. He puts his arm around his shoulders and pulls him closer. “Besides, it’s kind of weird that your best friend is a girl.”

“Why is that weird?”

“Guys aren’t supposed to be friends with chicks, Sunghoon. We’re supposed to chase them until we hook up with them or something. Guys and girls can’t be friends because it’ll never work out. Girls always develop feelings and it complicates too many things.” 

“She’s been my best friend since the second grade, though. She’s my longest friend.”

“Are you in love with her, or something?”

“What?!” Sunghoon exclaims like it’s a question that offends him. “No, I don’t like her. She’s just my friend.”

“You two are awfully close for just friends.”

“Our parents are really close and we’ve known each other since the second grade. So yeah, we’re kind of close.” 

Zimo shrugs. “All I’m saying is, chicks don’t like competition and that little friend of yours will ruin any chance you’ll have with girls.”

“I don’t know, Zimo. I still have to see her at events and stuff.”

“I’m not saying you need to cut her out of your life, bro. I’m just telling you the facts. You can make your own decisions. I just think she’s a little too desperate to be your friend. Who knows, maybe she’s using you for attention.”

“Her parents’ company is doing much better than ours, so I don’t think that’s true.” Zimo shakes his head. 

“That’s not what I meant. Let me put it this way. She’s just a little too…underdeveloped. A little nerdy but not in a cute way. She always has her nose stuck in a book and she keeps to herself. Zero social life. She probably doesn’t have social skills. You two aren’t on the same page like when you were kids. We’re practically adults, Hoon. You need to start making choices because you want to, not because you need to make her feel comfortable.” In some sick and twisted way, Sunghoon starts to understand what Zimo’s saying, even if he doesn’t completely agree. “Maybe it’s time you stopped. You don’t want girls to think you’re in a relationship, do you?” Sunghoon shakes his head. “That’s what I thought. Stick with me, Hoon. I’ll show you the ropes.” 

Sunghoon can’t pinpoint why he feels drawn to Zimo, but deep down, he knows it’s an accumulation of many things. For starters, high school is a different beast. Everything is changing, him included, and suddenly, Sunghoon has grown self conscious about who he is and how other people perceive him. 

He’s starting to grow into himself, especially now that he’s entered a new school with people he’s never met before. They’re all from the same high society Sunghoon and his family subscribe to,and he knows just how much outside approval means when the time comes for him to be taken seriously as a contender to take over his father’s company. Zimo’s right. Sunghoon has to take care of his image and be somebody people can take seriously. He wants to be dependable, but he also wants people to know that he doesn’t take life so seriously and can adapt to any situation he finds himself in. Change is a good thing and it brings new people and new opportunities. He doesn’t know where you fit into the equation. 

Is it really that weird for him to be best friends with a girl? You’ve always been so supportive of him. There’s nobody who makes him feel more himself than when he’s with you. It’s so easy to talk to you because you never expect anything from him. Sunghoon always hated when his family would make him speak his mind when he wasn’t ready and he loathed people who were loud and expected him to be just as talkative. Somehow, that peace offering in the form of a confectionary bun all those years ago is the sweetest memory he has. There’s never been a question as to who can pull Sunghoon out of his shell or who could get him to get on the dance floor even if he never felt like putting on a show. All roads led back to you. 

But high school is a whole new beast. Sunghoon’s never been the type of person to take charge unless the most opportune moment presented itself. He’s calm and calculated, unlike his rowdy and loud counterparts, and he feels like there are way too many voices for him to even think straight. Sunghoon doesn’t know why he’s so attached to Zimo or why his opinion matters so much. He’s not as wealthy nor as influential as his own family. But Zimo’s cool. He’s not afraid to take what he wants and makes other people respect him for it. He’s confident in all the ways Sunghoon isn’t. The way Zimo dresses makes him look like a trend setter; he’s always one step ahead of everybody else and isn’t afraid to make sure other people know it. He’s a bit like you in that way. The only exception is that Zimo is a boy, and maybe it would do him some good to be friends with people who he can relate to instead of sticking to a friendship that’s lasted as long as it did because your parents know his own. 

Sunghoon knows how everybody whispers about how close he is with you. Rumors spread like flying colors from people who knew the two of you from childhood and make up stories about how awful it must be to have some poor, sad duckling follow Sunghoon around because you didn’t know any better. He’s heard people call you mean names for the sake of trying to squeeze their way into his life like they’ll ever mean anything to him. And he knows he could shut this down if he had the courage to face the crowd to protect you. He could tell everybody that they’re wrong about you and the friendship he has with you. These rumors could’ve disappeared if Sunghoon had been strong enough to tell the truth and stop himself from caring so deeply about what other people thought of him. 

But he doesn’t. He lets Zimo get into his head and start to distance himself from you because he believes he’s right. 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

DECEMBER 2025

Incoming call: wonnie

“Are you gonna get that?” 

Jake’s been doing his best to distract you from thinking about Sunghoon. Amidst his busy schedule, he still finds time come over to your apartment and comfort you in the best way he knows how. You’ve completely thrown yourself into your studies to catch up from the lack of attention you’ve been giving your textbook and coursework, but you’ve been all over the place where concentrating has become difficult. Your living room has turned into a chaotic nightmare with papers and reference books all over the dining room and coffee table. Your kitchen sink looks cleaner than it has in the past two days because Jake took the initiative to wash your dishes and clean the counters while he forces you to eat a meal that isn’t ramen or takeout. How he hasn’t lost any sleep between work, school, and taking care of you is astounding. Meanwhile, it feels like a train is continuously bulldozing over your mind and body.

The two of you are sitting across from each other, laptops burning your retinas, when your brother calls you out of the blue. Jungwon’s become busier in the past couple of years because your parents are retiring from their positions in the company and he’s been working to a smooth transition of power. He’s been out of the country more times than you can keep up with and while you’re usually very happy to hear from him, the last thing you want to do is talk to anybody. But he’s your brother and he wouldn’t be calling you three times in a row if it wasn’t important.

“You’re on speakerphone,” you tell Jungwon as you answer the call. 

“Cool. Who’s with you?”

“Jake and I are studying together.” 

“Hey, man. It’s been a while. How’s it going?”

“My eyes are falling out of my sockets, if that tells you anything,” Jake says.

“Sorry to hear that.” Jungwon calls your name. “I called you because there’s something serious we need to talk about. Should I call you another time?”

“It’s fine if Jake’s here unless you need me to go somewhere else.”

“It’s about Sunghoon.”

“I met Sunghoon, alright,” Jake says as he rolls his eyes. “He’s a real piece of work.” 

You scoff. “That’s putting it lightly. The audacity of him to come here is truly disgusting." 

“About that.” Jungwon clears his throat. “I need to tell you that I’m the one who told Sunghoon where you live now and I’m really sorry.” 

“Jungwon, why the ever living fuck would you do that?” 

“I didn’t mean to.”

“So you basically violate my privacy by telling him where I live?” 

“I’m really sorry, Noona.” Jungwon’s voice cracks from the other end of the line. “I promise I didn’t mean to, but I accidentally told him where you worked earlier this year. I was so proud of you when you told me your boss wanted you to take over the company and I fucked up. I should’ve told you right away. I’m sorry that I didn’t.”

“Can you at least tell me why?” 

“Sunghoon has changed a lot since you left and he’s been doing a lot of work on himself. We’ve been in contact because of our parents and the business and I can tell how sorry he is for what he did to you.” 

“Why are you calling me now? After all this time?” 

“Sunghoon told me a few months ago that he wants to make things right with you and apologize. He said something about atoning for his sins and was really dramatic about it, but I thought he was full of shit and saying it just to make his point. He called me a few days ago and told me everything that happened and I wanted to check in on you.” 

“Jungwon, you can’t just tell my ex-husband where I live and where I work. You of all people know what he did to me and why I left. It hurts to know that you didn’t tell me any of this.” 

“I know, I know. I fucked up and I can’t take it back but I really am sorry. And I’m not calling you to ask for your forgiveness. I own up to it. I have a feeling I know how you reacted and I wanted to check in and see if there’s anything I can do to help you.”

“Thanks,” you tell your brother, even though you aren’t the happiest with him. “I know you had my best interest in mind, but please stop trying to meddle.” 

“I won’t. I swear. All I want is for you to be happy and I’m sorry for putting this stress on you.”

He sounds exactly the way he did when he broke the locket Sunghoon had given you back when the two of you were kids, remorseful and sincere. Your heart softens a bit despite your disdain for the situation. 

“To address the obvious elephant in the room, I’m not fine. Jake’s been over to manage my stress like the saint he is. Sunghoon tried to confront me a few days ago and I’ve been a mess ever since.”

“Thanks for taking care of her, Jake. And yeah, Sunghoon told me about that…I told him that wasn’t the best move and he should’ve left you alone after what happened when he shadowed the clinic with you.” 

Jake chimes in. “Do you think it would be worth it to talk to Sunghoon?” 

“I don’t see the value in that.” 

“For one, he'll stop bothering you if you hear him out, and maybe talking to him will give you closure, too.”

“I don’t want to hear what that sorry excuse of a man has to say.”

“I’m not saying you need to do it for his benefit,” Jake assures, “I’m just saying that maybe nipping it in the bud early might save you stress in the long run.”

“Jake’s right,” says Jungwon. “Maybe talking to him will get him off your case and maybe you can get some answers.”

“You’re both acting like sitting down with him would be easy.”

Jake shakes his head. “Nobody’s saying it’s easy. It’ll be tough considering your history with him. But you’ll be able to get this out of the way and focus on work and school. I’m worried about you, dude. You’ve been really upset this week. I’ve never seen you like this.” 

“I don't know…” 

“At least think about it? It’s better to face the truth than keep asking ‘what if.’ Sunghoon doesn’t deserve shit but you do. You can’t coop yourself up in your apartment forever.” 

But when you think about sitting in front of him, it puts you back in Vamfield when Sunghoon had dropped the marriage arrangement onto you. You were so naive and careless back then. It angers you to think about how so much of your time was wasted on someone who’d never love you back and someone who took advantage of your willingness to please everybody around you. You’re not that person anymore and you don’t want to go back to the past. 

“I’m not talking to Sunghoon.” You say it with such finality that neither Jake nor Jungwon say anything. “I don’t see the point in rehashing old wounds. I can be neutral. I can be peaceful. We don’t need to pretend this is anything more than a business transaction. You can tell Sunghoon that much.” 

“Okay,” says Jungwon, too tired to fight with you and too upset at himself to push you any further. “I’ll respect your wishes. Let me know if you change your mind?”

“Of course. Thank you for thinking about me.” 

“I love you, noona. I’m so sorry.”

You tell him that you love him too and Jungwon says goodbye and ends the phone call, leaving you and Jake to bask in temporary silence. Your head feels far too loud to even think and the bright lights that pour over the dining table are suddenly too bright. All of this makes you want to stuff your face into a pillow and scream until your lungs burn. 

“No one’s expecting you to be perfect,” Jake says after a minute of silence. “You don’t have to talk to him if you don’t want to, but I think being able to tell him how you’ve felt will do you some good. Maybe hearing things from his perspective will give you closure.”

“Or maybe it won’t.” 

He shrugs. “It might not, but you’ll never know unless you talk to him.”

“I can’t, Jake.” Your voice cracks and you wipe your nose with your sleeve. “I can’t face him again. I feel humiliated when I think about everything. I was so desperate for him to love me that I gave myself away. I don’t know who I was back then. I’m not making the same mistake twice. I can’t bend for him just to feel that way all over again.” 

“You can’t push aside how you feel and think that’s moving on. This will sit with you until you address it. Maybe it’ll bring you closure or maybe it won’t. I can’t tell you what’ll happen, but I do know that bottling up your feelings will make you miserable.” 

“It goes so much deeper than our arrangement. I lost my best friend. He left and now he’s back. I’ve mourned our friendship just for him to show up and pretend like nothing happened. I can’t ignore how angry I’ve been for the last decade.” You bite your cheek. “Thinking about Sunghoon makes me want to cry.” 

Jake looks like he wants to say more, but he doesn’t. “I’m sure you’ll figure it out. For now, I think you should call it a night and sleep it off. There’s no use in making a hard choice when your head’s not in the right place.”

He’s right, as per usual. He helps you clean up the takeout and leaves after pulling you into the kind of embrace that makes you feel like things might be okay, and you don’t think you’d be able to survive this without him by your side. In all your years navigating life and relationships, Jake has been one of the very few people you’ve learned to rely on in times of need because he’s never been as judgmental as the people you’re used to being around. Letting go of bad habits is difficult, even after all these years. You don’t dream of anything that night. 

Sunghoon shows up to the clinic the following week with a piping hot cup of peppermint tea in his hand. Sunoo greets him at the front door before you can even think of saying anything to him. He’s standing in the lobby like a fish out of water and while you can’t hear what they’re saying, you can see the two of them sneaking glances from your peripheral. But you keep your head down and focus on entering patient data on the monitor in front of you and pretend like you’re not bothered by his presence because the last thing you want to be doing is entertaining Sunghoon.

Although, that doesn’t seem to go as planned, because he’s awkwardly standing in front of the desk. 

“Can I help you?” 

Sunghoon nervously swallows. You don’t look up from the monitor and make a show of just how much you’re trying not to pay him any attention by pressing the letters on the keyboard with more emphasis. 

“I brought you peppermint tea.”

“I don’t drink tea.” 

“You don’t?” You look up at him and cease typing. 

“I’m in medical school. Tea does nothing for me.” He curls his fingers around the cup, unsure of what to do with it. 

“Sorry,” he says, clearing his throat. “I just thought I could bring you something warm since it’s cold outside.” 

“I don’t drink tea. But thanks.” 

Sunghoon seems to understand what you're trying to say and doesn’t press you further. Instead, he takes the cup and walks towards the back office, presumably to meet with Hayoon. 

“You didn’t have to turn down a free cup of tea from an absolute hunk, you know,” Sunoo says after populating beside you. “He’s hot. That poor man looked like he was about to start crying.”

“I think more men should be publicly shamed.”

“I’m the first person to agree with you on that. But don’t you think what you said was a little harsh? Unless you two have some secret past that makes you rivals, or something. I don’t know.”

You laugh bitterly. “Some things are meant to stay in the past.”

“Well, if he brings you things, just take it from him. I’m a poor soul who’s too broke to buy my own tea.” 

“How was your date with Riki?” 

Sunoo nearly stutters and whips his head back over to you. “We didn’t go on a date.” 

“Sure you didn’t.”

“We just ate lunch near the duck pond. That hardly counts as a date.” 

“He picked you up and made sandwiches, no? I think that counts as a date, since, you know, he kept injuring his wrist to come and see you here.” 

“T-That has nothing to do with whatever you’re trying to say.” 

“Ha, sure.” Sunoo scowls and grabs a pen while twiddling it in between his fingers.

“So what if we went on a date? Wait–how did you even know Riki and I hung out?” 

You smack the backside of his head. “Where do you think he got the idea from? It’s also my job to know everything that goes on in this clinic.”

“Even the love lives of the employees?!”

“Duh.”

“Well, spill. What else do you know?”

“I know you have the fattest crush on Riki–”

“Other people!” 

“Jake is married to his studies,” you say, stifling a laugh when you see Sunoo’s cheeks start to redden. “Hayoon and her husband are going pretty strong. She doesn’t even need to tell him what to do and he’s already doing it.” 

“Ugh. I need Riki to be like that.”

You roll your eyes. “He’s wrapped around your finger. Just admit you like bossing him around.”

“A magician never reveals his secrets.” 

“That doesn’t even make sense.” 

“I hope that fine ass man keeps coming in and bothering you,” Sunoo says with no real bite to change the topic. He jabs your side with his elbow. “Seriously, he’s hot as fuck and you looked like you wanted to rip his head off. Which, honestly, would be equally as hot.”

“His name’s Sunghoon and he’s an investor. Hayoon’s been meeting with him regularly to talk logistics and she really wants him to get to know Ganghwa before anything is set in stone.” 

“If I were her, I’d take the money and run. He seems loaded. His watch alone cost a year’s worth of my rent.”

“Yeah, well, Sunghoon’s persistent. He’ll do whatever it takes to get what he wants and he won’t stop until he’s satisfied.” 

“You seem to know a lot about him.” You shrug, focusing back on the task at hand and resume entering patient data. 

“We knew each other once upon a time ago.” 

“He must’ve been a real pain in the ass if you hate him.”

“My tolerance for unbearable people has shortened over the years. It comes with the job but it’s also because I don’t have the time to entertain people who don’t have my best interest in mind.”

“I guess so. But people can change.” 

He’s right, but you won’t admit that to yourself. 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

Like some sort of cosmic joke, you keep bumping into Sunghoon. 

He still makes it a point to drop off hot coffee for you when he comes to the clinic and ends up making daily coffee runs when the rest of the staff get wind of it. You don’t know if he’s trying to make himself look good by being the errand boy or if he’s doing it just to be kind, but it’s working on the rest of the staff (save for Jake), and it’s pissing you off. You find yourself begrudgingly sipping on your coffee every single time he comes in to talk logistics with Hayoon, who sings nothing but praises whenever she walks by with the cup of tea Sunghoon buys for her. He’s gone so far as to buy something for Riki if he knows the younger boy will be stopping by later in the week. Sunoo, who can usually find something to gossip about, doesn’t have many negative things to say about Sunghoon since he keeps buying the entire clinic beverages and breakfast when he’s in town. 

Speaking of which, you’re starting to wonder just how much time he’s going to be spending in Ganghwa. Hayoon hasn’t pressured you into taking him out on the town and introducing him to local spots like she had originally asked of you. You suspect she can sense your change in behavior and assume she’s letting you off the hook because of your commitment to your studies. You’ll never truly understand why she’s so keen on keeping Sunghoon on a leash and forcing him to discover what Ganghwa has to offer instead of taking up on his offer to help fund the clinic. He’s already been here for weeks, mingling with the residents and discovering hidden gems you wish you could’ve kept for yourself.  

Even when you aren’t at work, you see Sunghoon. Your local grocery store isn’t safe, as your shopping cart had bumped into his basket when a child had knocked into you accidentally. What was he doing there? You backed away as quickly as possible before he could say anything and resumed shopping while trying to avoid him in the aisleways. You run into him when you’re on your way to your classes and take the longer way to campus just to prevent him from seeing you. You even see him at your gym; this can’t be a coincidence and it’s making you feel like you’re slowly unraveling yourself until there’s nothing left but ash and dust.

It all comes to a head after a short shift at the clinic, one that you agreed to cover because Jake wasn’t feeling well halfway through the day. You’d made good enough progress on your studies to the point where it felt like you were getting back into the swing of things despite the thorn sticking in your ribcage. You leave work feeling like you’ve got your life back on track to a certain degree despite the setbacks and challenges these last few weeks have brought you, and you feel invincible until you see Sunghoon standing beside the duck pond by your apartment. So much for getting fresh air before bed. 

“I’m not doing this on purpose, I swear.” 

You let out an exasperated sigh, but you don’t turn around and walk away. There’s still a respectable distance between the two of you, close enough to seem familiar but far enough to keep your own space. Sunghoon doesn’t try to approach you like he did before. Instead, he keeps his head forward and stares at the moonlight reflecting in the water. Even now do you think Sunghoon looks unfairly handsome with his chiseled jawline and physique that could make the cheapest of garments look expensive. He doesn’t look like the guy forced into a binding agreement for the sake of his reputation. Instead, Sunghoon looks like any other person you could’ve bumped into on the street without any pretense. The guard you keep up with doesn't feel as strong at this moment. 

“It’s a small town. We’re bound to run into each other.”

“Not small enough, apparently. I’m sorry we keep bumping into each other like this.” 

The calmness of the pond and the twinkling stars above the two of you provide the kind of tranquil background that feels like an ocean wave pushing bad emotions out of your head. For the first time in years, you and Sunghoon are two people standing next to each other without being expected to. You can see the younger version of yourself reflected back to you underneath the moonlight and the faint glow of the yellow park lights from above. You feel like the version of yourself that believed in Sunghoon and you don’t feel as apprehensive about being near him like you used to. In a way, you almost feel like you’re tapping into your childhood emotions instead of keeping your grudge against him. 

“What are you still doing here anyway?”

Sunghoon finally turns his head to look at you. He must hear the casual tone in your voice because it lacks the usual bite and attitude, one that he’s never minded (not that he’d ever admit that to you). Even in the last month or so, he expected that much. 

“At the pond?” 

You shake your head. “Here. In Ganghwa.”

“The clinic–”

“Don’t bullshit me either, Sunghoon. We might not have seen each other in three years, but I still know you like the back of my hand, for better or for worse.” Sunghoon purses his lips before he speaks.

“I want to get away from Seoul,” he says, pushing his hands into his jean pockets. “I’ve just begun my leadership position and I can’t stop second guessing myself. Helping your clinic is the only decision I’m sure about. Half of my week is spent listening to men in suits who don’t know what they’re talking about and the other half is spent eating street food from people who know more about life than I do. I like it here a lot. 

“I’ve wanted to run away for so long. I hate listening to what other people think of me and I hate that my personal life has to be tied into my work. But when I’m in Ganghwa? I’m just a nobody passing through town. Nobody cares who I am because I’m just another person they see on the street. Nobody wants to know about my personal life and they aren’t interested in me because of my position at the company. I guess I like the anonymity. I’ve never known what it felt like until I came here.”

“How are your parents?” 

Sunghoon sighs. “I love them, I do, but sometimes I wonder if they expect me to keep things the way they’ve been. It’s hard to follow in their footsteps and I’m not sure that I want to anymore.” 

“Do they know you’re here?” 

“Sort of. They know I’m here for a business deal and they don’t ask too many questions. I’m a little nervous that they’ll keep asking me when I’ll be done visiting. I haven’t figured out what I should tell them yet.”

“Ganghwa has a way of showing you what’s worth it and what isn’t.”

“I can see why you moved here.” 

“It wasn’t my choice.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know if you know, but I was suffering from alcohol dependency during half of our marriage.” You spare a glance at Sunghoon. There’s a part of you that still fears judgment from him, even after all the time. But he doesn’t look at you like he’s disappointed like you always thought he would. Sunghoon merely listens. “It was a combination of a lot of things. Our arrangement, the position my parents wanted me to take over, feeling unsatisfied with the life I was living… It was a lot and I didn’t know how to cope with it until I turned to alcohol. Divorcing you was the accumulation of everything going on in my life and the company’s publicist suggested I move out of town for a year to get sober and maintain a good standing public image.

“I don’t think I had a choice, but I wasn’t upset that I had to leave. My parents practically packed my suitcase for me. I don’t remember why I ended up in Ganghwa, to be honest. It was far enough and I think my parents’ publicity team figured it would be best to stick me in a small town where I wouldn’t make a scene and even if I did, it wouldn’t reach corporate headlines in cities like Seoul and Busan. And I never left. The last time I spoke to my parents was when they said goodbye the night before I left. I was given my trust like it was severance pay to be able to afford to live, but I think it’s their version of hush money.” 

“I…I don’t know what to say. That’s tough shit.”

“That’s the most honest thing I’ve heard you say in a decade.” 

“I’ve never been good at lying to you.”

“Just bending the truth.” He nods, but only once. “I’ve been here ever since. I’m lucky that I fell in love with this place and found good people I can count on. I never liked those stuffy parties where everybody barely tolerated each other. Opulence means nothing when you don’t have class. I always hated being paraded around like a trophy and I was so good at pretending to be happy until I turned to alcohol. The mask slipped.”

“I think you came to that realization faster than I did,” Sunghoon admits. “It’s so easy to fall into routine when you’ve got rose colored glasses on. Everybody wants you to look at life a certain way and never holds themselves accountable for anything. We all pretend we care about each other and that family is forever, but that isn’t the case, is it? I don’t know what happened to snap me out of this daze. I’m getting irritated at business talk over dinner. I hate small talk about things that don’t matter. I feel numb inside. That’s why I keep coming here. I don’t want to keep entertaining a life where I’m not happy, even if that sounds really selfish.” 

“Even the most selfish people can be unhappy. I can’t imagine what I put Jungwon through during that time. I’m lucky he still calls me his sister.”

“Jungwon loves you. He’d do anything for you and I know you feel the same way about him.”

“I always felt bad leaving him there. We both knew it was for the better. He’s cut out for this business and knows how to separate himself from his work. Our parents are more lenient with him in this way. I know my parents resent me for not being the one to take interest in the business since I’m the oldest. I was the only one they had impossibly high expectations for. Jungwon lives for this business, you know. He sounds so happy when he talks about his work. We're polar opposites, really.” 

Sunghoon shakes his head. “I think you’re both incredibly passionate people who want to do what makes them happy, even if that means upsetting people who expect a lot from you.” You don’t say anything for a moment and Sunghoon bites his tongue. “I’m sorry. I think I overstepped.” 

“No, it’s fine. I guess I just needed a reminder that I made the right choice to stay here. You know, Jungwon called me the other week and told me he was the one to tell you about where I moved to. He told me you’ve been working on yourself and changed a lot.”

“I think I’ve changed as much as a person can in three years.” 

There’s a bench behind the both of you. You can tell Sunghoon thinks you’re going to walk away, but you don’t. Instead, you sit on one end and encourage him to sit on the other side. It surprises you, too. When you don’t talk, Sunghoon fills the silence. 

“I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self reflecting over the last few years and it would be dishonest of me to say it stemmed from when I asked you to marry me. It was never about obligation. It was about how I was too much of a coward to follow my own heart. I let people walk all over me. I let people influence my decisions and how I felt about people. How I felt about you.” He takes a quick glance at you, but you’re looking at the pond. “Zimo Zhao–you remember him, right? Loud, stupid, loaded. I had just announced my retirement from skating when we became friends. He told me all kinds of things and I got the idea in my head that you and I couldn’t be friends because of social rules. It was stupid.” 

“You could’ve ignored him.”

“I know,” he says with a voice filled with regret. “He made assumptions about our friendship and I never corrected him about any of it. I didn’t realize how much I was depending on you until we stopped talking. I was always with people but I never felt like I belonged as much as I did when we were together.” 

“You know how shitty that sounds, right?”

“Yeah, I do.” 

“I spent years wondering what I did wrong and asked myself what I could do to make things go back to the way they were. You abandoned me, Sunghoon. You were the only thing tying me together between my parents and everything they wanted me to achieve and you just left like I was some toy you were done playing with.”

“I never meant to make you feel like that.”

“Well you did, and now we’re two strangers sitting on a bench.” 

He doesn’t say anything for a moment and the sound of distant footsteps echo in the park. 

“Mostly, I’m sorry that I was too much of a coward to consider your feelings too. I’m sorry that I was such an ass to you all these years. It doesn’t matter if I still cared about you if I never treated you like you meant something to me. I’m sorry that I roped you into marrying me because it was unfair to take away your chance at happiness for the sake of sustaining mine. It was selfish of me. So undeniably selfish to ask that of you and I regret making you feel like you had to say yes.” 

For the last decade, you’ve imagined what hearing an apology from Sunghoon would sound like. You’ve run every scenario in your head–weeping on his knees or dismissive–over and over again until there was nothing left to imagine. You’d since accepted that closure looked like moving on. People don’t fall in line when you expect them to and there’s no amount of conversation that could ever convince someone they hurt you if they refuse to believe it. During your nights in Ganghwa when you first moved, you’d wake up in a cold sweat having dreamt of Sunghoon, and no matter if the dream was a good or bad one, you’d find yourself crying in the middle of your bed with an entire box of tissues by your bedside table. 

At first, you’d imagined yourself running into Sunghoon’s arms to finally understand what it felt like to have him wrapped around you like you were something worth keeping safe. He’d smile at you with that grin you love so much and kiss you on the lips, whispering sweet nothings about how he’d fallen for you too. Your heart would thump at the excitement and you’d feel his beating heart, too. Sunghoon would caress your arm before kneeling down onto one knee, saying something about how you deserve to have a proper proposal instead of an arrangement, and you’d be overwhelmed in the best possible way to register what he’s saying. You’d nod and say yes, a thousand times yes before Sunghoon slipped the wedding ring of your dreams onto the appropriate finger.

But as the years went by, your resentment built higher than you could’ve ever imagined. Knowing he was fooling around with Sooha despite the agreed arrangement did nothing but damage your broken heart. To be seen as someone who could be so easily cast aside and be reminded of the hardship you had to endure was enough to push you past the breaking point. You’d imagined hurting him just like he hurt you or turning him away when you know he wanted to make things right. You always thought you’d point and laugh at his feeble, pathetic attempt to come back into your life and absolve himself of any lingering guilt he had about the arrangement so that he could move on with his life and never think about you again. You stopped thinking about Sunghoon when you started getting into a new routine. Meeting Jake and subsequently Sunoo, Riki, and Heeseung (for the short seasons he’d be back home) felt like taking the next step towards building a new life for yourself. 

You never thought you could feel indifferent. Sunghoon’s apology doesn’t make you want to run into his arms or spit in his face. It feels like an incident that you’ve since left behind you. It still tugs at your heart strings, but you don’t feel like you’ve had the last laugh. Thinking about that time in your life will always hurt and despite your apprehension and defensiveness when Sunghoon first reentered your life, in this moment, you feel like two people who could move on from this. 

“Thank you for saying that,” you say after a long pause. “I’ve wanted to hear an apology from you for years.” 

“I’m not asking for forgiveness,” Sunghoon reassures you. “I just… I hate how things went down and I know it’s my fault. I want you to know that I’m sorry. We don’t have to be friends or anything you aren’t comfortable with. I really am passionate about giving back to the community and I’d like to help the clinic. I’ve come to love this town and I love the people. I want to make things right and this is the best way I know how.” 

You look at him and he looks like that young boy who was always trying to figure out what his next step was. He looks at you with a mixture of hope and acceptance like he’s trying to anticipate your next move. You’ve always loved how thoughtful Sunghoon was and how he’d put up with your spontaneous attitudes passed down from your parents. He was the only person who wouldn’t mind calming you down or taking your mind off of the bad things. The way Sunghoon’s looking at you reminds you of that version of him. You try not to get your hopes up, but old habits die hard. 

“I like my coffee with two sugars and a little bit of cream,” you say as you stand up from the bench. Sunghoon follows and nods. 

“I figured a plain, black coffee was a smart way to go. You could dress it how you like.” 

“Mm, there’s a lot you don’t know about me. But you made the right choice to play it safe.. If you’re planning on keeping this up, make sure you get my order right.” 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

JANUARY 2026

You don’t tell anyone you’ve talked to Sunghoon except for your diary, which you use sparingly because you often forget you have it until your thoughts become too loud. There’s never any time for therapy and the blank inked pages are the next best thing. You fill each page every single night before bed until your wrist grows tired. You dream vividly, some good but mostly nostalgic dreams like memories of the past coming to haunt you in your sleep. Your mind is consumed by Sunghoon’s apology and all of the things you’ve pushed aside for the sake of moving on. 

It always did hurt to think about never receiving any closure. The time you spent acclimating to a new town added another stressor on top of the grief of losing your best friend and your family. It wasn’t just Sunghoon who you were leaving behind. Moving out of Seoul and relinquishing everything from the family company was a virtue signal; your parents knew that you’d be giving up the life they afforded you and painted your actions as selfish and ungrateful. Your years with them were spent groveling for approval and the kind of validation that comes from unconditional love. But deep down, you knew that there was nothing you could do to make them happy if you didn't obey every order and achieve the highest marks in everything you did. 

The built up sadness and resentment seeped into something deeper when Sunghoon pulled himself away from you. He wasn’t somebody you could rely on anymore, instead becoming a stranger you knew in a past life. He looked the same yet so different and his laughter was a sound you could recognize, even in the busiest of rooms. It echoed like nostalgic memories piercing your fragile heart in the middle of the school day. Sunghoon’s happiness meant your melancholy and you could never understand why that was. He’d always been the person to make your days a little bit brighter when things at home were tense. Sunghoon was the escape you’ve always been looking for, and when he stopped talking to you, your days were filled with helplessness.

Losing both of your parents at the same time felt like a pseudo-death. They weren’t gone, only a mere phone call away, but you know they won’t pick up and there wasn’t any urge or motivation to talk to them. You were balanced between indifference and immense pain on any given day because the numbness of the truth keeps your feelings hidden more often than not. You’d already grieved any sort of traditional relationship you had with them long before moving to Ganghwa, only reveling in their praise when you were desperate enough to seek out their attention. The final cut off severed the final ties. Jungwon is the only person keeping you connected to them, and even then you know they won’t treat you as anything but a mere stranger. 

It’s weird. It’s all so fucking weird. 

Life seems like a messy mosaic that’s been smashed on the ground over and over again. You don’t know which way is up and which way is down because you feel like you’re having an out of body experience every single time you open your eyes. Days get the better of you. You walk around like a zombie with your brain moving on autopilot. Most days, your brian is slower than your movements, and you feel like you’re constantly playing catch up because you’re one one step behind everybody else. Jake noticed your lethargic habits and brushed it off at first because medical school doesn’t produce the happiest of people. You can tell that he’s keeping a watchful eye on you, acting a little more clingy than he usually would. He’d be serious about staying another hour of coming over when you’d text him at odd hours of the night. Jake would fall asleep right next to you on the couch and you’d awake in the middle of the night to see him sleeping soundly. You love him, but you aren't ready to talk about how you feel or where your mind is at. 

The listless days keep coming and so does Sunghoon and you get used to him being around. Sunoo comments about how you aren't as hostile towards him anymore and how you accept the coffee he buys for you without much of a fuss. Riki stops by with Heeseung, who's back home for the winter holiday break and life feels just a little bit normal when you’re hanging around the local pub, even though you know alcohol is the last thing you should be drinking. It makes you feel so normal, especially when your friends are cheering at you choosing to drink with them instead of remaining dry. The beer slips down your throat as Heeseung recounts his studies and the mischief he’s been caught up in since the semester started. The holidays come by and leave as quickly as they came but the work and the studies never stop. 

You don’t bump into Sunghoon as much though, as you’ve learned that he’s had to return to Seoul more frequently to attend to other matters. You overhear him telling Riki that he’d started renting a small, quaint apartment not too far from the city’s edge that takes you back to the city. How you feel is all over the place and trying to distinguish what’s running through your mind becomes harder to do the more you try to make things clear for yourself. Sunghoon comes by the clinic more often to talk to the patients and people he’s seen around town. It’s like he’s making a home for himself in Ganghwa. One part of you looks at him like a familiar stranger and the other part of you wonders if things could ever go back to how they were.

Hope is a dangerous thing. It’s what keeps you to the bottle. Alcohol feels like the elixir of life, giving you confidence to say what’s on your mind and tackle action for what’s meant for you. It’s helped you cope through difficult moments where you feel inferior compared to everybody around you. Slipping into old habits means you’re doing something familiar, and familiar is just what you need. 

It makes you question everything around you, planting seeds of doubt in your mind as you navigate through the weeks. Hanging out with your newer friends makes you feel like a fraud. You don’t fit in with them, not really. You’re the estranged daughter of a chaebol family who relinquished her title and fortune for personal reasons. The wealth you’ve accumulated isn’t because you earned it, and no matter how much time and energy you put into your shifts at the clinic, you can’t sit with yourself and present that what you’re doing matters. If it’s all been given to you, what work are you doing and who are you doing it for? 

Imposter syndrome creeps into your mind and you start to feel like everyone and everything might as well be foreign to you. Nothing feels real and nothing feels worthwhile. The people who abandoned you have since made you feel like the isolated black sheep who is doomed to never return to a place they can call home. You feel like you’re on the outside looking in, watching everybody around you achieve their dreams and goals while you run away from all of your problems. You don’t struggle in the way your neighbors do. You left because of your own selfish want to be happy, not because it no longer served you anymore. Everybody else fought to the present day while you walked towards the finish line. You don’t deserve to be here. 

Friends are hard to come by. They disappear from your grasp like sand falling through your fingertips and there’s nothing you can do to keep them all to yourself. Each goodbye makes room for more hurt and frustration as the years pass by, not evidently leaving you with anything but anguish about what could have been. Too many people only care about themselves and the role they play in life rather than maintaining meaningful relationships and learning what’s real. Not everybody is meant to grow up. People remain stagnant so long as they will themselves to stay below the surface. You, and what you imagine to be only a handful of other people, are the kind of person that people emotionally inconvenience. 

It looks easy to forget the feeling of constant dismay and humiliation when you have the money to fix your smile. Tabloids and press from Sunghoon’s company had a knack for highlighting how content you were with your new family until you disappeared from the public eye. You kept yourself hidden and made yourself out to be the smallest person in the room who could smile and bat her eyelashes at acquaintances. You looked more confident and courageous than you were, and you wonder if your ability to hold your feelings deep within you is what makes people think you’re capable of being thrown into negative emotions, one after the next. 

Retreating into Ganghwa is like a bubble to you where nothing could ever touch you if they stayed outside of it. In the first few months, reading about yourself on the Internet was pure torture born out of curiosity. There were salacious and negative rumors about you and your sudden disappearance from the public eye. Countless social media posts and news articles discussed your role in the Park family at length and what must have happened for you to retreat so suddenly and quietly. It was painful consuming all of these outside opinions when they never knew the truth and even more painful when you knew there would be no one to support your side of the story. You learned to fight the urge to keep up with old ghosts and look at Ganghwa as a fresh start to a life you could build for yourself instead of keeping up appearances and regret every choice you’ve made. 

It all comes to a head one Friday evening when you call Jake to ask him to meet you at his favorite bar. 

“When you said you wanted a drink, I didn’t think you meant you wanted to drink everything in the damn bar.”

You lift your head from looking at your phone when you hear Jake and watch him take a seat in front of you at one of the open booths. Because it’s Friday night, and because the bar is slightly more packed than it would be on a weekday, you don’t know how you managed to find an empty table amidst the busy crowd when you arrived forty minutes prior. But today feels like a good day as any other to drink your problems away. The familiar itch in your throat, one one that begs for alcoholic relief, revels in your mildly drunken state.

“It’s been one hell of a month,” you tell him. He sets his beer on the table, presumably having bought his drink before sitting down, and you make a soured face. “Next round’s on me. Put your next drink on my tab.”

“Are you sure?” 

“I’m rich. My family may have cut me off, but I was smart enough to prepare my finances before they threw me away. Think of it as paying you back for all the shit I’ve dragged you into.” 

“Okay, can’t argue with that logic.” You give him a smile that feels too animated. “I’m guessing this ‘hellish month’ has to do with Sunghoon?” 

“I don’t know what the fuck I did to deserve being so miserable. It feels like everything in my life always blows up in one way or another. My parents? Selfish. They only had kids to protect their company. I’m lucky that Jungwon wants to take over as CEO in the future because that burden was supposed to be for me. When they figured out I wanted to be a doctor instead, it was like I didn’t exist to them. Isn’t that funny, though? I still chose a respectable career but it still isn’t enough.” 

“It’s a little funny that your parents are upset that you wanted to become a doctor, of all things. I mean, isn’t that every parents’ dream for their children?”

“Apparently not. My parents were dropped on their heads as babies. Jungwon’s the one who communicates for the both of us, but that happens every once in a blue moon. The family’s publicist still emails me from time to time to check up on me but I don’t reply to her emails.” 

“She’s the one who suggested moving here, right?” 

“Yup. I can’t tell if she ruined my life or saved it.” 

“Maybe a little bit of both.”

“Well, she’s still working for my parents, so I don’t want anything to do with her for the time being.”

“Everything is so fucking confusing. Sunghoon walking back into my life was the last thing I expected from him. I thought we’d never see or talk to each other ever again. I was fine with that, you know. I accepted that I’d never heard his name except seeing him in the news, and now he’s buying the office coffee.” 

“Brownie points, at least?”

You glare at him. “Not helping.” 

“Sorry.”

“I feel helpless. I feel like a dog that’s stuck in a cage with a padlock on and nobody can find the keys. I’m stuck, Jake. I came to this town to find an escape and my past has caught up to me in the stupidest fucking way imaginable. I’m finally getting my life back on track and pursuing a career I care about just for life to fuck it all up.”

“You’ve had a really hard few months,” Jake says reassuringly. “I can’t imagine how you must feel, but you should give yourself some credit for dealing with all of this on top of work and school. I think the average person would’ve gone crazy if they were in your position.”

“I’m trying to remember that I’ve gone through worse. I pretended that he and I were a happy couple in front of millions of people before divorcing him. There was so much that I sacrificed just to make that arrangement work. I hate everything. I fucking hate everything. I hate feeling like I don’t know what my next step is and I hate knowing there’s nothing I can do to make myself stop feeling like this. It wouldn’t matter if Sunghoon’s deal with Hayoon fell through. I’d be stuck with all these memories and being so angry all the time.” 

“I’m sorry you’re going through this, though. It’s hard to balance everything you have on your plate.”

“I even started drinking again,” you say with a dry laugh. “I told myself I’d never touch a bottle when I left Seoul but here I am, drinking my sorrows away.”

“Wait, back up,” he says. “What do you mean?”

“What do you mean ‘what do I mean’?” 

“Why did you tell yourself you’d never drink again?” 

“There was a period of time where I used alcohol to cope, but I went to rehab and got better before I moved here.” You say it so casually before you take another swig of your drink, unaware of the alarms ringing in Jake’s head by the sudden and jarring news. You don’t comprehend the way he looks at you with concern, nor do you understand the consequence of telling him this while you’re too drunk to get home by yourself. “I’m pretty good at holding the fort down. I’ve had lots of time to practice. Isn’t it funny that I can talk like a normal person when I’m drunk? It’s a cool party trick.”

“I don’t think we should be here,” Jake says matter-of-factly. “I think I should get you home.”

“What? Why?”

Jake calls out your name sternly. “You just told me you were an alcoholic.”

“I wasn’t an alcoholic.”

“You used it to cope. Same difference. You’re…you’re relapsing.” 

“I’m fine, Jake,” you say, trying to convince him that you’ve got it under control. He stares at you for a beat. The bar is loud, but your own heartbeat is louder. 

“You’re not fine. This whole thing is making you turn back to alcohol, which is a sign that you should stop.”

“I’m not a kid anymore, Jake. I’m a big girl. I can handle myself and my decisions.”

“I’m not saying that you aren’t, dude. You started drinking after Sunghoon came back to town.” He wipes his face with his palm. “Oh, god. We’ve been so happy when you join us for a drink without realizing why you always said no to come with us. Fuck. I’m sorry for asking you in the first place.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. You didn’t know. But I’m fine now, I’m just enjoying some drinks on a Friday night like everybody else.”

“I’m not saying you’re out of control, but come on, do you really expect me to believe you’ll be able to handle yourself if you had to go to rehab?”

“What are you trying to say?” 

“You need to stop drinking and sober up.” 

“You’re acting like my mom.” 

“I’m not fucking around.” Jake pulls the bottle away from you and ignores the way you frown at him like you’re irritated. 

“It’s just beer.”

“You said you were an alcoholic. There’s no way I’m letting you drink anything after you told me that.”

“You’re being too dramatic. I can handle one more beer.” You reach out to grab it, but Jake is faster. He pulls it further away from you and the sound of the bottom rim sliding against the wooden table makes you wince. 

“This isn’t good for you. Drinking your problems away isn’t something you should be doing.”

“You’re one to talk,” you say with a scoff. “How many times have you called me to the bar because you wanted to get drunk?”

“That’s not the same thing.” 

“Seems like it.” 

“I didn’t depend on alcohol to get me through the day. I drink like that every once in a while.” 

“You’re not being fair right now.”

“I don’t care!” Jake exclaims. “I care about you too much to see you go down this path. It might not affect you tonight, but what about when you need something to help you through the day? Will you drink at work or at school? Are you going to ruin your life because you can’t stop?”

“Don’t talk to me like I’m weak and incapable of taking care of myself. I could stop if I wanted to.”

“Then why aren’t you letting me help you?”

“Because it’s Friday and I’ve had a shitty few months!” 

“Let me drive you home,” Jake says. “I’ll get you some water and then we can go.”

“No. I’m not going home with you.”

“You need to sleep this off and get some real food in you. I know you haven’t eaten since lunch and you can’t be doing this on an empty stomach.” 

“No.”

“Get your ass out of the bar and get in my fucking car.”

Pride keeps you in your seat. It’s harder to admit that you’re hurting your best friend by hurting yourself than it is to watch him leave. You know it’s selfish. Jake’s been nothing but supportive ever since you moved here and never asked too many questions. He’s the kind of friend who you could rely on in a pinch because he’s the type of person to see the good in everybody. It lands him in hot water from time to time when people take advantage of his openness and vulnerability. Remembering this makes the sting burn even more when you think about how you’re someone who’s been taking advantage of him ever since Sunghoon came back into town. It’s not like Jake knew about your past with alcohol and, naively, you thought you had it under control. 

Lashing out at people closest to you doesn't make you feel good and you don’t know why you bask in this discomfort. It’s almost as if disappointment is what you’re used to and being rewarded with good friendships feels undeserved. Your whole life has been categorized by your academic performance, appraisal for top marks one minute followed by a look of disdain from your parents the next. It’s safer for people to be disappointed in you from the start because it lowers any expectation people might’ve had of you. This means people stop paying any attention to you. With no eyes looking, you’d be free to do whatever you wanted without much consequence. 

“Fine,” Jake says through gritted teeth. “Have it your way.” 

Your chest feels heavy when you watch him exit the bar. You watch him walk past the window and he doesn’t spare you a last glance. You completely shatter in your seat until tears brim in your eyes. Jake has never been like this with you before and being at the receiving end of his disappointment is far worse than if he were to be angry with you. Right now, it feels like you’ve just lost your best friend because of something you could’ve stopped if you had just listened to him.

Moreover, it hurts that Jake left. He always makes sure you get home. Somehow, the hole in your chest makes the pain a hundred times worse. You don’t cry at the table, but you hold the glass in both hands and to keep your tears from spilling too fast over your cheeks. You feel pathetic, sitting alone in a bar as you cry. It takes you back to the old days where pain and misery kept you company while you drank your feelings away. Walking through the motions of day-to-day life left you thinking and moving on autopilot everyday. There wasn’t anything outstanding about you or your arrangement to Sunghoon except for the delusions and fantasies that kept you company during the harder times. What’s obviously for show will always remain a spectacle for your peers to use as gossip material. But at the end of the day, Sunghoon maintained an image powerful to his brand, and you played the part of a hopeless romantic caught up in the daydreams of what might be. These nostalgic feelings are unwanted guests that you can’t get out of your mind. 

Life has a funny way of humbling you. 

You don’t know how long you’ve been sitting at your table. When you look up at the sound of someone calling your name, you’re met with Sunghoon looking down at you like he’s too afraid to approach you. A mix of confused feelings rush to the forefront of your mind. You’re embarrassed to be seen by him like this weak, emotional mess. You’re also angry that you feel humiliated in the first place because you’re supposed to be showing Sunghoon that you’re doing better without him. But now he’s standing in front of you, watching the way your eyes gloss over with fresh tears when you look up at him. 

“Hey.”

To say you’re irritated is an understatement. Sunghoon’s unwanted presence reminds you of why you argued with Jake in the first place. He looks at you with concern, just like he used to when you were younger, and mixed feelings arise to the surface the more you look at him. You don’t love him and you haven’t for quite some time, yet these nostalgic memories bring a kind of warmth to your body that almost disgusts you. There was a time when all you wanted was Sunghoon’s undivided attention, and now that you have it, you feel like you’re being put underneath a microscope for him to inspect and judge you. 

You both know you’ve been avoiding him like the plague ever since it’s been made clear that he’s serious about investing in the clinic. Hayoon is as thorough as they come and keeps him around for the sake of vetting his motives and his intentions. Her willingness to follow through on her desires is what you admire the most about her and you’re learning that it comes with a price. Maybe you’re not cut out to run the clinic if you’re allowing Sunghoon to crawl under your skin like this. You’d argue that his kindness and patience is only making things worse because you’re used to his cold and dismissive attitude. Having his attention reminds you of all the times you wished he would look at you the way he’s looking at you now. Why is here in this bar and why did he come up to talk to you? Your mind is asking too many questions that you can’t answer.

“Are you okay?” he asks softly.

“Does it look like I’m okay?” you snap back at him. Sunghoon doesn’t react. Instead, he takes a seat and looks at you. 

“It looks like you’re ready to go to bed.”

“I’m a grown adult. I don’t need people telling me what to do, least of all you.” 

“I know and I’m sorry. I’m not here to make you upset. I just want to take you home safely.” 

“You haven’t cared about my wellbeing in a long time. Why now?” 

But the way you ask it comes with a crack in your voice that chips away at Sunghoon’s heart. There’s still so much that’s been left unsaid after the conversation with him all those weeks ago. He hasn’t been able to get it out of his mind because it was the first time you spoke to him without anger laced in your words. He knows he deserves to be reminded of all the pain and anguish he’s caused you in the name of trying to do what was right. You’re sitting in front of him with a mixture of disappointment and sadness in your eyes that makes Sunghoon feel even worse than he already does, but he knows he won’t stop trying to make things right even if you don’t see it right now. 

“I care about you too much to see you drink yourself to sleep,” he says. It sounds honest enough but his sincerity alarms you. It’s hard to tear down the walls you’ve built around yourself because of his previous nonchalance. Hearing that he cares about you enough to tangibly do something for you makes you panic because you’re used to being hyperindependent when it comes down to the bottom line. “It’s getting late and I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“That’s bullshit.” 

“I’ll stay here for as long as you need me to, but I really want to get you back home. Doesn’t your bed sound nice?”

“What are you, my mother?” you ask with a scoff. “You have a poor way of trying to comfort someone.”

“Forgive me,” he says. “It’s been a while since we’ve been like this.”

He’s right. You hate that he’s right. You hate that both of you know you’re the one making everything difficult between the two of you, but how can you be sure that Sunghoon is sincere? The moment you start to accept that Sunghoon would play a different role in your life, your brain reminds you of all the pain and hurt that he put you through. It’s so unfair to look at the man you fell in love with and to be reminded that he’s the reason why you’re patching yourself back together again.

“We should get you home,” Sunghoon says, interrupting you from your thoughts. You start to stand and you grab your purse, shoving it in his chest. He catches it and follows you outside where it’s far too cold for you to be walking around in that thin cardigan that barely blocks out the cold wind. Sunghoon tries to wrap his own coat around your shoulders, but you frown and shove it off of you. 

Something in your drunken brain clicks when you see his Supra. He loves this goddamn car. You hate being reminded of things he loved more than you.

“Why the fuck are you here, actually?”

“Let me get you home,” Sunghoon pleads. “It’s late and I’m really worried about you.”

You scoff. “Really? You’re worried about me? That’s hard to believe.”

“Please get in the car,” he says. “It’s really cold outside. I just want to get you home.” 

“No.” You start to walk away, but Sunghoon grabs onto your wrist to pull you back into him. You twist your arm and try to pull yourself away from him. “Get your hands off of me!”

“Only if you promise to let me take you home.”

“Why the fuck do you want me to take you home?!” 

“Jake called and asked me to,” he tells you. Your eyes soften at the mention of your best friend and you stop kicking the gravel underneath your feet in an attempt to walk away from Sunghoon. “He hated leaving you there and called me to see if I was in town or not. If I was in Seoul, he would’ve come back to drive you home after cooling down.” 

“Jake…” 

The sound of your voice cracking catching both you and Sunghoon off guard. This abrupt change in your life is far too much for you to handle. You don’t know why pushing people away is something that gives you comfort when all you want is for people to see you for who you really are. Jake has always been the type of person to dig deeper than the surface and know a person inside and out. He was the first person who saw you as somebody trying to heal instead of somebody who could handle pain. You hate that you argued with him over your wellbeing. You feel guilty that he still checked up on you. Most of all, you’re relieved to know Jake didn’t abandon you.

Sunghoon slowly lets go of your wrist when he’s sure you won’t walk away from him. “He cares about you a lot, okay? I don’t know what the two of you were arguing about, and you don’t have to tell me, but you need to know that Jake wouldn’t just leave you without making sure you got home safely.” 

“I thought he left me,” you whisper. 

“He’d never leave you. Now get in my car, please? Let me take you home and let Jake know you’re safe.” 

The sudden urge to cry is far too overwhelming. You’re far too embarrassed to humiliate yourself further in front of Sunghoon by weeping buckets of tears in his passenger seat. He opens the door for you and holds out his hand for you to hold if you need stability. You do and you try not to take much notice when you feel how soft his hands are. Sunghoon puts your jacket and purse in the trunk and slides into the driver’s seat, reaching over your own body to gently tug on the seatbelt, and secures the buckle into place. 

“Safety first,” Sunghoon whispers. He used to say that as kids in the back of his parents’ limousine. You want to cry again, but you don’t. Instead, you bite your bottom lip and force yourself to hold it in. “Where do you live?” 

“42 Hangang-daero.” 

He doesn’t say much else, instead letting the low rumble of his car do the talking. Sunghoon plugs his phone in and shuffles through a few playlists before settling on one that takes your mind off of this awkward experience. You’re grateful that Sunghoon doesn’t try to talk to you because you think you’d burst into tears if you opened your mouth. The drive isn’t very far, but with the combination of the gentle road and the warm air blowing in the car, you fall asleep.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

When you wake up, you’ve one thought: You must be in a nightmare because you don’t recognize anything. 

The bed is far too big and comfortable. The drapes are a neutral color that cover half of the window, allowing the bright morning light to seep into the room. There’s a decadent lamp on the bedside table instead of a generic one you’d purchased at a discount store when you first moved into your apartment. The walls are a different color, instead of the slightly yellow white paint all around your space, the walls in this room are white and pristine. There are giant photographs instead of local artwork and the ceiling itself is much higher than what you’re used to waking up to.

Everything looks and feels wrong. 

It takes you a minute to see the piece of paper on the nightstand. You pick it up and recognize Sunghoon’s handwriting. 

Took you back to my place because you fell asleep in my car and didn’t wake up. I have to attend to business, but I’ll be back by 1pm. Make yourself at home until I come back. There are spare clothes in the drawers and a fresh toothbrush by the sink. Call me if you need anything - xx-xxxx-xxxx.

That’s enough to wake you up. 

Like the note said, there are extra clothes in the closets. You settle on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt before going into the bathroom to brush your teeth. Your face looks far too tired with dry makeup caked right on top of it, making you wince at the sight of your unwashed skin. You look into the cabinets for anything that could help clean you up and find a plethora of products with his sister’s name labelled on each one, and you say a silent apology when you use them.

When you’re done, you exit the room and look around curiously. It becomes apparent that you don’t recognize this place at all. You’d become acquainted with Sunghoon’s home after moving in with him just a few weeks before the marriage and this isn’t the house you remember. He must have moved after you left. It’s much smaller than his previous one and it looks lived in. There’s furniture that seems as though it’s been put to good use, dish towels that are frayed at the edges, and fingerprints on the sliding glass doors that lead to the balcony. It’s unlike the home you shared with Sunghoon previously, which felt much too cold, grey, and sterile to ever be something you could happily live in. Fuck, you really shouldn’t be here. 

Where is my phone?

As you walk back into the room you slept in, you see it charging on one of the dressers and sigh in relief when you see the full battery capacity. 11:58 am. You have an hour until Sunghoon comes back. It’s at this moment when overwhelming dread consumes your body at the mere thought of having to look at Sunghoon after the night you had. There were mixed feelings, complicated emotions, and not to mention, you know for a fact you were anything but pleasant to deal with. It doesn’t matter if he’s been the last person you’ve wanted to see. Acting like that in front of somebody you’re supposed to dislike is embarrassing. 

“Shit.”

You quickly scroll through your next messages to see who you could call to come pick you up. Sunoo’s working today and Heeseung left his car for Riki when he left for university. The latter is in Okayama visiting family and you know find it highly inappropriate to call your boss to ask this of her. Jungwon is overseas and Jake…You can’t ask that of him right now. It’s too soon. 

You call the only other person you trust. Jay answers on the first ring. 

“Are you okay?”

“Define ‘okay.’”

“You’re safe and you aren’t hurt.”

“Not physically, that is,” you say with a humorless laugh. “Sorry, I don’t know why I called you. Well no, I know why I called you. What I’m trying to say is, I’m sorry for calling you on Saturday morning. I’m sorry for bothering.”

“You could never bother me. You know that.” Jay says it with such finality that you instantly believe him. 

“Thanks. I didn’t know who else to call.”

“Are you okay? Seriously, though. You never call me. It’s always a text or an audio message here and there. I think the last time you called me was on my birthday.” 

“On a scale of one to ten, how mad would you be if I asked you to pick me up?”

“I meant it when I said I’d be there if you needed my help. Where are you right now?” 

“How mad would you be if I said I was at Sunghoon’s place?”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

Jay’s sleek, black Porsche parks in front of the house by the time you manage to use the electronic key pad to lock the door. He looks at you from the window and you don’t know whether to feel grateful or full of shame. You feel a mix of both when you slide into the passenger seat after he unlocks the car for you. He notices that you’re in Sunghoon’s clothes, which smell like fresh detergent. Jay merely looks at you in confusion and you feel like a child who got caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar.

“It’s not what you think.”

“What am I thinking?” he asks. 

“You’re definitely wondering if Sunghoon and I slept together.”

“Did you?”

“No. Absolutely not.”

“Right. You just happened to be wearing his clothes.”

You smile awkwardly. “It’s a long story.”

“Most good ones are. Come on, let’s get breakfast.” 

Breakfast usually meant going to your favorite restaurant in between a bookstore and a laundromat at the edge of the city. The atmosphere is quieter than the heart of Seoul and the people who work on this block don’t particularly care about anything other than getting their work done and keeping their businesses open. Eating here tastes like home and you feel a sense of kinship when the owner makes a personal visit to your table upon hearing your voice. After a few chastises and warm welcomes once you explained the situation, the dust settled, and all that’s left is delicious food that makes you feel like you’re being engulfed in a warm hug. 

“I won’t make you talk about it if you don’t want to, but I think I’m entitled to a short explanation if you’re going to call me out of the blue on a weekend morning to pick you up from your ex-husband’s house.”

“Later,” you say, shoving banchan into your mouth. “Tell me about you. Last I heard you and Sooha called off the engagement.”

Jay knows better than to pry any further. He knows this dance and allows your apprehension to slide because he knows you’ll open up after you hear him do the same. 

“We called it off about a year ago.”

“Really?” 

“Mhm. I know I have a reputation for being the kind of guy that would rather travel for work than stay in one place for too long. I can’t say that’s a complete lie, though. We agreed to tell our parents we’d have a long engagement because I was busy with work, but I could only keep up that excuse for so long.”

“You’ve never been good at lying.”

Jay laughs. “No, I guess not. Sooha’s parents found out the truth about her and her girlfriend and disowned her. They cut her finances off and everything. It was really messy, but thankfully none of this ever hit the headlines. My parents had a change of heart because of this, I guess, and told us that we could call off the engagement since she was having a difficult time.” 

“And her girlfriend? Are they doing okay?”

“Much better now, actually. Sooha’s happier for sure. My parents agreed to keep this a secret and feel horrible about the position they put her in. We’ve been helping her here and there, but she’s pretty happy living a modest life.”

“I know the feeling,” you say. “Living a quiet life with nobody watching your every move is a blessing.” 

“I’m starting to understand why you don’t come to Seoul anymore.” 

“It’s not that I don’t want to.” Jay raises an eyebrow and you relent. “Okay, that’s exactly it. I guess I could stand to reach out to you more. Sorry that I don’t. I should call you more this year.” 

Jay nudges your shin with the tip of his shoe. “You know me. I don’t expect anything and I know we’ll catch up when we get together. I’m sure you’re busy, too, with med school and your job at the clinic. Don’t feel bad for not calling as much as you’d like to. Seriously. Even if you called just to ask me to pick you up from your ex-husband’s house.”

“I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.” 

“Preferrably laugh, but I’m sure this restaurant has tissues in the back if you shed a few tears.” 

You groan into your spoon. “Everything is so confusing. One minute, I’m living my life and the next, I’m transported back here and fighting my fucking demons every time I wake up. It’s bad, Jay. I feel like I’m going insane.”

“So you hit up your ex-husband and sleep with him?”

“I did not sleep with him.” 

“Sure.” You pinch the top of his hand and Jay yelps. 

“Ow!”

“Don’t be stupid,” you say, taking a sip of hot tea. “I didn’t sleep with him. I got drunk, he picked me up, and I crashed at his place.”

Jay’s face turns into something more serious. “You drank?”

“It wasn’t my proudest moment. I…I relapsed. It’s been a couple of months since I drank for the first time in years. I need to stop. I know.”

“Are you okay?” he asks, softening his tone. 

“No, but I’m trying to be. Waking up alone in his house gave me the wake up call I needed. Can’t say that I won’t have the urge again, but I’m going to stop. For real this time. I opened up to Jake about it.”

“I’m glad you have him. He seems like a good influence on you.”

“You’ve only met him once.”

“We keep up on Instagram. I know a good person when I see one.”

You squint. “You’ve got a lot of nice things to say about Jake. Is there something you aren’t telling me?”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you’re using humor to deflect and move on. As I was saying, I’m glad that you have Jake. Lean on him, okay? I know I said I’d come if you called, but sometimes you get too busy with life and forget that you have people who care about you. It seems like he values your friendship and doesn’t want to see you upset.”

“You’re right. I know I have him and my friends at the clinic to rely on. It’s hard to open up and be comfortable telling people my feelings. Doesn’t matter if they’re good or bad.” 

“Baby steps. You’re still learning how to live on your own terms and part of that means reaching out for help when you need it.”

You rub the back of your neck awkwardly. “Speaking of…Jake and I fought last night. Well, it wasn't so much of a fight as a really bad argument. He was really upset when he found out I had a drinking problem because I told him when I was drunk. I was so stubborn. I didn’t want to listen to him and pushed him away. The only reason why Sunghoon came to pick me up was because Jake called him and asked him to take care of me.”

“See? Sounds like a great friend.” 

“I thought that asshole left me.” 

“You need dramatic wake up calls.”

“You’re mean.” 

“No, I’m practical. Words can only get you so far. I know you need a startling reminder to get your life back on track. That tactic has been motivating you your entire life. You only started your studies and career in medicine because you planned to use this as a fail safe whenever you got the chance to divorce Sunghoon. That was always the plan, don’t act like it wasn’t. Jake showing you that actions have consequences means you have to change yourself in order to get better. He’s only asking this of you because he cares about your health and friendship.” 

“I hate it when you’re right.”

“I always am.”

“Ugh. Anyway, Sunghoon’s apparently in town because he wants to do business with the clinic I work at. And my boss is picky. She only wants to work with people who see this business as a community, not just an investment. It’s my favorite thing about her, but knowing Sunghoon is the one she’s working with is making me insane.”

“You’re dramatic is what you are. But you have every right to be. The love of your life waltzed back into your life after years of not having closure.”

“‘Love of my life’ is laying it on pretty thick.”

“I seem to recall you saying otherwise.”

You blush out of embarrassment. “Shut the fuck up.”

“You were in love. You hurt so badly because you loved Sunghoon and he didn’t reciprocate your feelings. It’s hard to bounce back just for him to make an appearance.” 

“I’m mad at him, but not in the way I was when I left. I think part of me always knew I wouldn’t get any answers. I stopped asking myself ‘why’ and ‘why me’ years ago because it drove me up the wall imagining all the reasons Sunghoon could string me along and throw me aside like that. I used to wish for explanations, but I’ve learned that asking those questions only keeps me in the past. I didn't want to be miserable anymore. I focused on myself and my studies instead of thinking about Sunghoon.

“I blew up at him, though. I was probably really loud and very ugly. Jake had to hold me back from hitting him, or something. I don’t know what I would’ve done but it’s not like I would’ve hurt Sunghoon. He’s like Adonis, or something. He could’ve pummeled me into the ground before I could get the chance to fight him back.”

“He’s definitely put on some muscle in the last year.” 

“Yelling at him felt like letting out a burst of anger. Years of pent up rage bubbled up and I just screamed at him. I don’t even remember what I said. It was hard seeing him at work and around town because I’d bump into him virtually everywhere I went. Sometimes he didn’t see me. I left before he could discover I was there too. It’s been months since he arrived and I only started to get accustomed to this new change because we finally had a conversation a few weeks ago.”

“You talked to him?” 

“Kind of. He talked for most of it. Shocker, right? Quiet, introverted Sunghoon stringing together sentences to make multiple paragraphs. Who knew.” 

“Sounds like he cares about fixing things with you.”

“I don’t know about that. But he apologized and explained some things to me. I can’t tell if he really means it or if he’s only saying sorry to save his ass. Rich people will do anything to not look guilty, including giving money to a medical clinic.”

“Sure, but he could’ve moved on from your boss if he thought it wasn’t worth it.”

“Did I mention that Jungwon’s the one who told Sunghoon where I was?”

“That definitely complicates things.” 

You sigh. “Tell me about it. He went through great lengths to do what, apologize? Make my life miserable? Make me confused? I don’t even know how I feel right now.”

“It kind of looks like he’s trying to apologize in the way he knows how.”

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you remember how he’d apologize when we were kids? His verbal apology was always weak. He was too shy to confront people before high school. But he always went out of his way to do something to show us how sorry he was. Like that one time he’d gone to see Halloween with you when it was playing at the local theater, and you know he hates horror movies.”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t either. It’s just a guess. I’m not saying you need to forgive him, but I think it’s worth realizing that Sunghoon has changed over the last few years and so have you. You’re not as angry as you were, but I think there’s some leftover hurt that you haven't worked through yet.”

“It’s hard not to see him as the person I was married to, but then he does things like buy me and my staff coffee or listen to my patients when he’s visiting the clinic, even when I’m not scheduled on the day he comes in. It feels warm and I hate that I don’t loathe his very existence.” 

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Aren’t you already?”

He laughs. “But I mean, like, honest.” 

“What the hell, sure. It’s not like I haven’t been hit with truth bombs these past few days.”

“I think you still have feelings for Sunghoon. They’re definitely not as intense as when you were younger, but I think part of you still holds out hope that he can be the person you want him to be. I think you’re frustrated at yourself because you feel like you’re supposed to hate him and remember all the bad shit that went down, but you’re thinking about the present and seeing how good he’s behaving. It’s like cognitive dissonance. I don’t think you were able to work through your feelings at all since he wasn’t around you anymore. You stored him in the back of your mind and these feelings came out when you talked to him.”

You’d be lying to yourself if you said Jay wasn’t telling a partial truth. You hate when your mind entertains the idea of getting back together with Sunghoon or torturing yourself by thinking about recycled fantasies about what life with him would look like. It’s been years since you’ve had these thoughts and you hate that they’re starting to make you feel just a little bit hopeful again. But it’s like Jay said, you’re a different person now with different feelings. You’ve done a lot of internal work to learn and grow out of the version of yourself that kept your true nature hidden for the sake of making other people happy. 

“That’s ridiculous,” you say without much fervor. 

“Possibly. But it's worth considering.”

“I don’t even know how I can face Sunghoon now,” you whine. “It’s going to be really fucking awkward seeing him when he comes into the clinic. Maybe I should quit and hide from him forever.”

“Dramatic ass,” Jay mumbles under his breath as he slurps the last of his soup. “Was he home when you woke up?”

“Nope. He left a note and said he had something to take care of and that he’d be back by 1pm.”

“It’s half past one now.”

“Oops?”

Jay stares blankly at you. “You should at least let him know you’re safe. You were drunk out of your mind last night.”

“I don’t have his number. And did I mention that I told Sunghoon I had a drinking problem too?”

“Jesus, woman,” Jay groans, fishing out his phone out of his pockets before unlocking the device and handing it to you. “Text him and let him know you’re with me. I know exactly what he’s feeling right now.” You smile awkwardly at Jay when you remember the few times you’d disappeared on him after a night of heavy drinking, only for him to frantically call you to make sure you hadn’t gone off the rails. 

Your thumb hovers over his text chain with Sunghoon, which admittedly isn’t long. In fact, the last time they texted was because Jay’s engagement had been called off, and he’d expressed his condolences. 

Jay: hey it’s yn, I’m with jay right now. thanks for picking me up and letting me stay over and sorry for disappearing on you

You turn the phone around to face Jay. “Is this okay?” 

“Maybe tell him I’ll be driving you back so he doesn’t worry about it.” 

You do as he tells you and his text message is read immediately, which makes your heart race. 

Sunghoon: You scared me. I’m glad you’re okay. You left your bag here, though. I think I should be the one to take you back.

Fuck. You were in such a rush to leave his house that you forgot to take your bag with you. You don’t think you remember his address either. You hope Jay won’t mind if you pay him back instead of splitting the bill. 

Jay: oh shit, sorry. I’ll have jay drop me off

Jay: could you send your address?

“I’m going to scream. I need to go back to his place because I left my bag and it has my wallet and ID badge in it.”

“I’ll drive you back,” Jay reassures. 

“Do you mind using your card to pay and I’ll pay you back?”

“Breakfast is on me.”

You frown. “I called you out of the blue to pick me up from my ex-husband’s house. This one is definitely on me.” Jay shakes his head and puts his credit card down when the bill comes. 

“You’ve had a rough night. Let me take care of you.” 

You don’t argue with him when the waiter takes the card away, instead choosing to send him a soft smile, once that you only reserve for when you feel vulnerable.

When you pull onto Sunghoon’s street, you can already see him standing in the driveway near his garage door. He looks as if he’s been standing outside since you texted him on Jay’s phone. Your bag is draped on his arm like he’s a coat rack that you’ve haphazardly thrown your purse onto, no ounce of disdain or irritation written on his face when you finally look at him.

Anxious feelings attach themselves to your skin when you come to the fact that the person you had been hooking up with towards the end of your arrangement with Sunghoon was the one dropping you off at his house. Your mind travels back in time to think about your heart latching onto the idea of Sunghoon while finding comfort in Jay’s arms. He’d whisper every sweet nothing in the book to make you orgasm while Sunghoon would barely pay attention to your absence a few nights a week. The house was big enough to operate separately and had never made an effort to seek you out. Of course, this proposition between you and Jay was purely beneficial for both of you to escape your respective arranged marriages, but even if the two of you have transitioned into strictly platonic friends, it still feels like you’ve done something wrong.

You feel messy. You don’t have a grip on reality like you usually do, with color-coded schedules and alarm clocks that never go off because you wake up before it rings. You like structure and you like to know what’s coming next because being caught off guard is the worst thing that could happen to the peace you’ve built for yourself since moving out of your hometown. Jay and Sunghoon are two anomalies that you would’ve never thought to imagine as a consequence, let alone having the two of them in such close proximity when all three of you know you and Jay used to hook up back in the day. 

You don’t know whether you’re the only one who feels this thick tension or not. Jay and Sunghoon are cordial. Familiar, even. You don’t hear much of their conversation because your ears are ringing and your brain is focusing on the sound of the wind rustling through the leaves to comprehend what they’re talking about. 

“Thanks for dropping her off,” Sunghoon says. You watch from behind him as Jay nods in silent understanding. 

“Take care of her.”

“Always.” 

They talk with such finality. This might as well be a business transaction. It’s weird to have multiple people care about you at one time. You watch Jay drive off after waving goodbye one final time and turn to look at Sunghoon, who hands you the bag you left. 

“Sorry for, um, running,” you say with an embarrassed smile. 

“I’m sorry to bring you here,” Sunghoon apologizes. “You fell asleep and wouldn’t wake up.”

“It’s fine.” 

He raises his eyebrow. “Are you sure?” 

“A little jarring, but I’ll live.” 

“Tell me about it on the way back to your place.” 

The Sunghoon that stands in front of you is a version of him your younger self used to dream about. His broad, muscular back faces you as he opens his garage door. The loud sound of the wooden door opening is an afterthought when you zero in on the way his shirt hugs his body. He really has put in some work to himself. 

You watch him walk towards the passenger door of his Supra. Sunghoon opens and turns to look at you, half expecting you to have been behind him, but patiently waits when he sees you’re still standing halfway down the driveway. Being in his car sober will put you in the kind of proximity you don’t think you’re ready for. The drive is almost an hour and you don't think music will ease the anxious tension you anticipate. But you need a ride home and you’d be stupid to reject Sunghoon’s offer, especially after he let you stay at his house and take care of you for the night. 

He seems pleased when you take a seat. He merely nods with a low hum. You always wondered what it would take for him to shout for joy in this day in age. Back when the two of you were kids, Sunghoon would beam at you every time you shared a piece of yourself with him like he was excited to learn everything he could about you. The adult version of him is somebody that seems familiar but isn’t. It feels strange when he asks you to put in your home address because there was once a time where he could walk to your house with a blindfold on. 

To his credit, Sunghoon is a fantastic driver. You’ve always been weirdly jealous of how he’s able to weave in and out of traffic without making the ride feel like bumper cars. He knows when to ease on the gas pedal and when to overtake a lane when there’s an opening big enough for his Supra. Sunghoon is a courteous driver, always using the appropriate indicator and letting people pass him if he knows there isn’t room to get ahead. The gentle hum of the freeway and the smooth melody of his playlist makes for a comfortable ride, even if you feel like your mind is running at lightning speed. 

“I’m sorry for bringing you back to Seoul,” Sunghoon says in the midst of a chorus. The music’s already turned down and his voice commands your attention. You whip your head when he talks but he doesn’t look at you, choosing to keep his eyes on the road instead. “I don’t want you to think I picked you up just to take you here. That wasn't my intention at all.”

“It’s okay,” you assure him. The discomfort has less to do with Sunghoon and everything to do with an influx of memories you weren’t prepared for, but you know it’s your fault for falling asleep, not his. It feels conflicting to be grateful for a warm bed instead of feeling cynical about having him back in your life. “I haven’t been back here in a long time. It brought up some memories, that’s all.” 

“Good ones or bad ones?” 

“Both, I think. Bad ones, mostly.” Sunghoon nods and doesn't say anything right away. “I don’t think about my past a lot, but sometimes a few memories sneak up on me. I haven’t experienced anything like this before. I’m overwhelmed being back here and that's why I called Jay.”

“I didn’t know you two were still close .”

“He’s the one who helped me when I was coping with, you know…I guess you could say that makes us pretty close.” 

“Jay’s always been the reliable one, hasn’t he?”

“I probably rely on him too much.”

“We both know he wouldn’t do things if he didn’t really want to.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s true.” 

“Do you want to talk about it?” 

“About what?”

Sunghoon turns his head to give you a look. “Last night. Or this morning. Or anything, really.” 

“Are you asking me to talk?” 

“I’m giving you the floor if you want to get things off of your chest.” 

“This feels kind of weird, I can’t lie.”

“What does?” he asks. 

“Talking to you like this. Talking to you at all. I’ve been used to being by myself for so long that I forgot we used to talk during all hours of the night.” 

“I know,” Sunghoon replies, his voice laced with remorse. It’s so subtle that you almost miss it. “There’s no harm in being a little friendly, is there? I don’t want to pressure you. It’s been nice seeing you after we’ve opened up.”

You hate that you agree. It feels like you’re betraying yourself by being content with the outcome of every conversation you’ve had with him since he apologized that night by the duck pond. 

“Thinking about being back here makes me think about my parents and how little they care about me, but what can I do? There’s nothing left except to move on. I like Gnaghwa because it’s far enough away that I don’t run into people I know or live that lifestyle anymore. I’m content with my life now. I don’t want it to change.”

Sunghoon chuckles. “You know, when we were kids, you always had to be in control of everything. I like that about you, though. You have a sense of direction in life and a general plan. Not many of us can say the same.” 

“You do?” 

“Mhm. I like people who can think for themselves. I’ve always liked how you take initiative and do your own thing.” 

“Sometimes I feel overbearing.”

“The wrong people will make you feel that way. You can’t help the way you are.” 

“I’m used to order and structure. I felt like I was living in a regime when I was growing up. I wasn’t allowed to have an opinion and speaking against my parents’ wishes felt like a death sentence. I’m more relaxed now, but I still feel some of that structure influences the way I do things. I can’t tell if I like it or hate it.”

“I think I’m the opposite. I hate structure because my work revolves around keeping my schedule busy from morning until night. There’s no breathing room. I want to be free with no responsibilities. People like you look put together.”

“Ha, now that’s funny." 

“People have always seen you as pretty headstrong and independent. I don’t think there was ever a time where you didn’t look like you had it together.” 

You sigh. “You’ve got to know what some of that is because of our arrangement, right? I had to smile in front of the camera and pretend we were a happy couple, even though we’d go weeks without speaking.”

“I know,” Sunghoon says, like he really does. 

“It was always hard but I never showed it. I was like Baek Ahjin, just as famous at the time, but less psychotic.” 

“Your poker face got better over the years.” 

You look at the hands in your lap. “I guess it has. There’s a lot you don’t know about what happened.” 

“I’ve blocked that time out of my life,” he tells you. “It felt like pressure after pressure. I can’t imagine how you were feeling. I know I was to blame for that.”

“Somewhat. Most of it, actually.” You laugh cynically, but it lacks any real bite. You’re so tired thinking about it. “But I was already fed up with that lifestyle. I hated being around my family and I wanted nothing more than to run away. I’d dreamt up fantasies about it. Leaving Seoul was bittersweet, but it was the best decision I made for myself. I didn’t want to be a doormat anymore and I wanted to live my life on my own terms instead of doing what other people thought would be best for me. Everyone wanted me to act in their best interest and pretended it would make me happy too. I’m tired of living up to people’s expectations. What a sad life.”

“I understand what you mean,” says Sunghoon. “I think our lives were planned out from the very start and it takes a lot of courage to do what you want with your own life.”

“I don’t know about that. I feel like a coward.”

He shakes his head. “The cowards are people who roll with the punches and never do anything to make things better. You’re the only person who spoke up for yourself. More people need to be like that.”

What surprises you more than Sunghoon offering to drive you home was him accompanying you to your front door. The old version of him would have reluctantly dropped you off at your house at the request of his parents or when your own, who hadn’t noticed the change in dynamic between the two of you, asked anything of him. Sunghoon was always too polite towards elders for his own good, but it amplified his reputation in his line of work. Maintaining this sense of normalcy when everything had changed was simultaneously a punch to the gut and something you’d gotten used to. 

“Thanks for driving me. You didn’t have to walk me to my door.”

“It’s no trouble," he says, putting his hands in his pockets. “Just making sure you’re safe.”

“I think I can make the walk from your car to the door.” Sunghoon laughs. 

“That’s probably true, but better safe than sorry.” He stares at you for a second before clearing his throat. “I don’t know if this is my place to say, but because of what happened last night, I think I’m allowed to say it.” Even if you hate what he says, Sunghoon spent the evening taking care of you and driving you back to Ganghwa. Pushing your complicated feelings aside, you let him have the floor. “I think you should talk to Jake. It’s not my place to tell you to apologize or not, but I hope you know he’s really worried and cares about you a lot. I know he’s not my biggest fan, so the fact that he asked me to take care of you means he does.” 

You’re not ready to face Jake. Not really. You don’t think you’ll ever be able to muster up the courage to be the kind of friend he deserves, but you know this train of thought is you slipping back into old, unhealthy habits. The truth is, you’re scared of losing people over something that’s hard to control. For some, opening up and being vulnerable is the easiest thing in the world. To you, it feels uncomfortable to put yourself under the microscope and allow other people to see parts of you that aren't perfect or polished. It doesn’t matter that Jake has been your best friend for the past three years; allowing yourself to be judged for your feelings and how you cope with your issues is still the most uncomfortable feeling in the world despite knowing that Jake has seen virtually every side of you there is to see, with the exception of how you act under the influence of alcohol. 

Sunghoon is right and you know he is. You’re agitated, but you know it’s because he’s telling you what you need to hear and you know the best solution is to talk to Jake and apologize. The logical part of your brain knows he cares for you, but that old, nagging feeling of being a burden to everybody around you seems to prevent any real progress from happening. You’ve built such a beautiful life for yourself in Ganghwa between work and your studies. It would be a shame to jeopardize all of that and start again in another city. 

“I’ll talk to Jake,” you tell him. 

“I think it'll be good. He’s a good guy and I’m sure he’ll come around.”

“We’ve never fought like this before. I don’t like fighting.” 

Sunghoon’s gaze softens. “I know you don’t. Text or call him when you feel ready. I’m sure he’s probably pacing and waiting for you.” 

“I don’t know if I’m important enough to wait around the phone for.”

“You are.” 

Your breath hitches. 

“I’ll take your word for it.” 

Sunghoon awkwardly bows his head and turns to leave. You don’t know what compels you to call out for him when he’s halfway back to his car, but he turns around just as you’ve jogged to meet him where he stands. You pull out your phone and unlock it, turning it towards him.

“I’ll tell you how it goes,” you say, pushing the device in his hands. He looks at the screen and then he looks back up at you. Meanwhile, your hands are shaking and your heart and mind are telling you two very different things. “I don’t have your number and I could ask Jungwon, but this is easier.” 

He saves his contact and hands you back your phone. “Here. I saved myself as something pretty easy to find.” 

Park Sunghoon. You chuckle at his dry humor. 

“I’m sure that’ll be easy to remember.” 

“Good luck with Jake,” he says before opening his car door. “Let me know if you need anything.” 

You nod and find yourself agreeing to text him even though you’re not completely sure that you ever would. He seems satisfied, pursing his lips to prevent a smile from peeking out and slipping into his car before driving off, leaving with you the feeling of confusion and an unfamiliar sense of hope. 

Hope for what? You don’t know, but you’re far too hungover to think about how you feel right now. 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The first time Sunghoon misses you is when he’s nine years old. Your family is on vacation in the States for the winter to escape the cold, snowy winter for a few weeks and he’s never gone this long without hearing from you. He’s a snot-ridden mess for the three weeks he doesn’t see you but tries to pretend like he isn’t affected by it. His parents are far more interested in ensuring their children are ready for every single charity and gala that falls around Christmas time to ask him why he’s been even quieter than usual. It’s only after one dramatic breakdown that Sunghoon cries into his mother’s arms and admits that he misses talking to you.  

Since then, there’s been a constant line of communication between the two of you. His parents would call yours and let you both talk on the phone until it was time to get ready for bed. The two of you were glued to each other’s hips in grade school, so much so that there was a running joke that nobody would ever see one without the other. 

Sunghoon worshiped the ground you walked on; your confident, open-minded way of thinking was something he wished he could be, but he was far too timid to speak up for himself or do anything he wanted to without you by his side. You were outspoken even in childhood and always stood your ground no matter if people didn’t agree with you. He watched the way you defended yourself against other children who were too snarky for their own good. It was always a good time watching you stare other people down in the eye until they backed off, especially when you defied your parents and talked back to adults who thought they knew you better than you knew yourself. 

If anyone were to ask Sunghoon about you, he’d beam with a smile so bright it would outshine the sun. There were endless things to say and admire about the kind of person you were, always willing to put other people first, even at your own detriment. He loved how passionate you were about the things you loved and never shied away from talking his ear off. Sunghoon loved to hear you talk and he loves listening to your made up stories about your stuffed animals or strangers you’d see, creating outrageous backstories just to pass the time. There was an endless sense of fun and adventure with you and it seemed like nothing could change. 

When people asked Sunghoon if there was anything going on between the two of you, he’d brush it off and deny those claims, but deep down, he knew he was lying. What wasn’t there to love about you? Aside from your beauty, he was drawn to how deeply you cared about things and how often you picked up on all of the things that were left unsaid. You were the kind of person to pay attention to the things people never talk about and pick up on his emotions quicker than anybody he’s ever met. You know how he felt before he did and you were always there for him no matter what. 

You cheered him on when he had started his career as a figure skater, sitting in the front row no matter if you were sick or not. You always had stuffed animals ready to throw on the ice and homemade posters that had cliché but motivational words written in bold colors. Seeing you behind the glass gave him the confidence to keep putting on his skates during early hours in the morning. Knowing you were there to support him made Sunghoon feel like the luckiest person in the world because having you stand behind him meant he could do anything he set his mind to. Even when he made the executive decision to end his career and focus on his education, you were still supportive and occasionally took him back to the rink so as to not let him forget that he can still love ice skating without dedicating himself to it. 

Sunghoon always wished he could be the kind of person to believe in people without being a complete cynic. He never understood how you could hold out so much hope when your parents were the first example of the kind of people to distrust. You reserved your sensitive and soft feelings for Sunghoon, weeping in his arms whenever your parents fought with you. His heart would break upon hearing all of the nasty things they’d say whenever you fell short from their expectations and he did the best he could to comfort you without truly knowing how. 

Somewhere along the way, this admiration conflated with envy. He doesn’t know why he wanted to be friends with Zimo Zhao. Not really, anyhow. When high school was on the horizon, Sunghoon had many people in his ear telling him it was weird that a girl was his best friend, but he never paid much attention and always brushed off these types of comments. When he thinks back to his childhood, he knows the real reason for wanting to be friends with Zimo is because he wasn’t able to withstand being in your shadow and wrestling with the idea that he could never be the kind of person you were. 

When he thinks about it, he thinks how incredibly stupid he was. All this time, this envy was a reflection of how he felt about himself and had absolutely nothing to do with your character. 

Feeling your absence throughout the years always hurt him more than he let on. He lost his best friend because of his own actions and never once owned up to it. Not to you, not to himself, and certainly not to his friends who he chose to keep around. Sunghoon thought of himself as pathetic for his mind drifting to thoughts of you and conversations you both shared in the past. He used to torture himself by looking at pictures and videos of all the times you two had hung out together before things got bad. He used to say that two people could grow apart, but really, he knew that was just an excuse to make himself feel better. 

And love? Sunghoon never thought he knew what that was, especially after countless confessions from girls who didn’t really know him. They never saw him the way you did. You looked at him like he was a person with feelings worth exploring instead of a piece of eye candy waiting to be snatched up. You always cared about him past his surface and loved everything about him, flaws and all, and he loved everything about you too. Admitting to himself that you were the one that got away was more damaging to his ego. 

What motivates him for the next decade is denial. He denies his feelings and he denies loving you beyond having a childhood companion. Sunghoon forces himself to forget the way your eyes shined underneath the sun or the way you looked so cute with braces at the tender age of eleven. He convinces himself that his heartbeat never sped up when you called him, and he certainly tried to forget that he’d always ask you to come over to his house so you could get a break from your parents. Sunghoon pushed his feelings aside for so long that he started to forget ever loving you in the first place. For a period of time, you were just a girl he was forced to be friends with because of your proximity and age, and nothing more. 

Taking the chance to come back into your life after all the hurt and pain he’s caused you was a gamble, but it was one last shot at redemption before he moved on from this. Sunghoon had expected you to be as angry as all hell; he’d never been on the receiving end of your wrath and expected you to have choice words with him, but the way your voice trembled and the apprehension on your face whenever he’d come near you was enough to show him just how awful he had been to you. 

Sunghoon stares at his ceiling with a blank stare, his voice becoming dry with all the talking he’s done all evening.

“And that’s pretty much it.” 

Jay looks over at him. “You fucked up.” 

“I know.” Sunghoon sits up and pours orange chicken from the Chinese takeout container onto his place. “I know I fucked up. There’s so much I haven’t unpacked yet and I don’t think I could ever truly explain to her what went through my mind and how much I regret treating her the way I did. I must be pretty fucking desperate if I called you to come over and listen to me bitch and whine.”

“You two really are similar,” he says, shoving a spoonful of fried rice in his mouth. “I’d never say no to takeout from Mr. Tao’s, though. Best late night delivery service in the game.” 

“I always did wish we were closer,” Sunghoon admits. “You were so cool and carefree.”

“I was a loser who hated everyone.”

“I wish I could’ve been like that.”

“There’s no use in reminiscing of what we wanted to be.”

“You’re like a wise owl.” 

Jay shrugs. “So I’ve been told.” 

“Everything is fucked up. I should've never asked her to marry me. I mean, it wasn’t a real marriage anyway, just an arrangement for the press. I should’ve never fooled around with Chloe either. I used her as an escape to pretend I had things under control. If I slept with her, I wouldn’t have to think about what the fuck was going on in my life.”

“Yeah, she told me about that when we started seeing each other too,” Jay says.

Sunghoon knows he had told you from the start that you could see anybody you wanted to because this arrangement was for show only, but knowing you’d started sleeping with Jay reopened old wounds and made things more confusing for his mind. He didn’t know how to wake up without picturing the two of you in bed together, and even though he knew he had no right to be jealous, he was. It still stings when Jay brings up the past, but Sunghoon knows he doesn’t have a right to feel any type of way about it. He knows there’s nothing going on between the two of you either, especially after Jay had made it clear that he was using sex to cope with his own predicament just as much as you were. 

“I’m not saying that people can’t make mistakes, but I’m telling you that the choices you made caused you to end up here. It was selfish of you to stop being friends with her and then ask her to come back into your life just for you to be cold to her.” 

“I know. Fuck, I know. 

“Why did you come back? Why now after all this time?” 

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t believe that.” Sunghoon bites his cheek.

“I miss her. I miss hearing her voice and I miss it when she’d bang on my door and tell me to get dressed because she was bored and wanted to hang out. I miss when she’d blow up my phone with text messages. I miss when she’d make playlists for me and I miss when she’d ask to grill when we were out at restaurants.” 

“It sounds like you miss what she does for you instead of who she is.”

“That isn’t it. I don’t miss when she did things for me. What I miss is being her friend. I miss being the person she could go to when she wanted to talk about everything and nothing. She always knew how to keep a conversation going and how to make it really interesting. I miss learning about her. The person I know is the person I knew when we were kids. It kills me to know there’s so much I have yet to know about her.” 

“Do you love her?”

“W-What?” 

Jay makes a face. “Don’t bullshit me, dude. You sound like you were in love with her.”

“W-Well I wasn’t in love–” 

“Sure you weren’t.”

“I was infatuated with her.” 

“Same difference.” 

“I’m aware that I’m deflecting because it’s hard for me to come to terms with my emotions. 

Jay chuckles. “You both have that in common.”

“I’m too scared to say that I love her because I don’t think I deserve to,” Sunghoon admits. “I haven’t atoned for my sins, or whatever. I’ve barely been in her life. It feels way too soon to say I love her.”

“Look, you can’t help how you feel and pushing your feelings aside will only lead you back to how things were.”

“But if I come on too strong and tell her I love her too quickly, she’ll definitely run for the hills.”

“No one’s saying anything about telling her you love her,” says Jay. “I’m just saying that you can’t deny how you feel because you’ll start to act like you don't care about her, and then she’ll be done with you for good. You don’t want that, don’t you?”

“No, I don’t.” 

“That’s what I thought. Don’t come on too strong and try to do everything for her. You’re already doing a lot by wanting to help her clinic whether you both see it or not. She’s the kind of person where actions mean a lot more than words. You need to put in effort behind what you say before she starts to believe in you. Baby steps, Sunghoon. Baby steps.”

“Hard thing to do when I’m pretty sure everyone she’s friends with hates me. Jake–you know Jake, right?–I’m pretty sure he hates my fucking guts and wouldn’t mind running me over with a bulldozer.”

“If he called you to make sure she was safe, I highly doubt he hates you.”

“Dislikes me, then.” Jay ponders it for a second but nods. 

“Okay, yeah. He dislikes you.” 

Sunghoon groans. “I don’t know where to start. I want her to forgive me and fuck, I want there to be a chance that we could give this a shot for real.”

“Manage your expectations, though. This isn’t going to happen overnight.”

“Of course. I don’t expect anything to change for a long time. There’s a lot we still need to talk about before we could get to a place where we can just be friends, or something. I know I’ll need to get Jake to like me before she even considers dating me.” 

“You really love her, don’t you?” 

Sunghoonnods rapidly. “More than I could ever say. I was stupid and selfish to ever think I could use her the way I did. I don’t know why I was such a fucking coward and why I couldn’t have been upfront with her. We could’ve been married for real if that were the case.” 

“Maybe you both needed some time apart before you could be strong together. Life has a funny way of working out like that.”

“What if this doesn’t work out? What if I crash and burn and she says she hates me forever?” Jay nudges his elbow against Sunghoon. 

“Then you accept reality and find a way to move on. She managed to do it, so I think the least you could do is do the same if it comes down to it.”

“I really hope it doesn’t.”

“I know, dude. I know.” 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

taglist: @toodeloosoo @liliinn @la-choiblog @tinyteezer @second-floors @yenienha @engene12z @vixensss @justpassingdontworry @randompocky @dontmindme-readingsmutsonly @seyeolbae @lexawoah13 @jakeswsh @blooqz @iamjusttryingtoreadapost @somuchdard.

[paarksunghoon]

my baby is a bird (one)

SUMMARY: Is three years enough time to heal and move on? Just when you think you’ve got your life figured out, Sunghoon comes barging in and disrupting the peace you’ve built for yourself in the name of fixing his mistakes. It stirs up old feelings and dangerous habits, but Sunghoon is determined to show you that you’re the only one for him, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make you love him again.

WORD COUNT: 33K

PLAYLIST: the playlist + ego death at a bachelorette party

NOTES: happy birthday, my sunghoon. I love u so bad but you will need to go through sum shit first <3

WARNINGS: use of alcohol and sex as a coping mechanism, infidelity but it's not really cheating, drunk sex, accidental voyeurism, oral (m & f receiving), jay drinks bourbon from reader's pussy, missionary, doggy, unprotected sex, shower sex, multiple rounds, jay and yn smoke cigarettes, sunghoon was an awful husband but there's miscommunication, very subtle mentions of homophobia, mild parental abuse and neglect, failing marriage, a whole lotta angst.

(there will be a part two eventually... i wanted to make this one part initially but i couldn't stop writing. sunghoon i'm gonna make things right for you i swear on it...)

OCTOBER 2025

The month of October never ceases to remind you that things change. 

The leaves outside of your apartment window are starting to turn into a darker shade of red and brown. They fall onto the cement sidewalk for pedestrians to experience the small joys of stepping on a particularly dry leaf as they take advantage of whatever the weather might be. There is so much happiness in the little things, and yet it’s the subtle changes that serve as a reminder that nothing will ever truly stay the same. 

In the small island countryside an hour outside of Seoul, Ganghwa is the complete opposite of the bustling city you grew up in. Instead of bright neon signs and late night tteokbokki carts outside of nightclubs, there are two movie theatres and a myriad of local advertisements on billboards on every highway. Restaurants and shops close around eight o’clock. There’s one outdoor shopping area at the edge of town right by the waterfront that everybody refers to as “the mall” even though it isn’t big enough to be considered one. 

You left the city that barely sleeps and traded it in for peace and silence. It’s the kind of quiet that would make any sane person go mad, but you’d rather spend the rest of your days sitting on the front porch of your one-bedroom apartment than maintain a penthouse suite at the La Terrasse. Overlooking Seoul from the very top of the building always had its charm, but it could never hold a candle to listening to the soothing sound of ocean waves pulling itself from the sandy shores nearby.

On your way to work, it's easy to take advantage of the fifteen minute walk down a scenic pathway. You pass by a local coffee shop and pick up a black coffee and a breakfast sandwich. If Minnie is behind the counter, you’ll stay and chat about her kids and the weather for a few minutes until you look at the clock behind her and head out. The town is just starting to wake up when you’re scheduled for the morning shifts and you find nothing better than watching everybody emerge from their cocoons at this time. 

Ganghwa Clinic is the only medical facility on the south side of the island with the private hospital on the northern end. It isn’t fancy or as busy like the ones in Seoul, but it’s enough to help the townsfolk get by. It’s owned by Kim Hayoon, who opened the clinic in 1987 with the purpose of bringing quality medical care to her hometown after witnessing the lack of proper treatment when she was a child. For thirty eight years, Hayoon has not only operated this facility, but she has gained the trust and a reputable status within this community. One can only hope to live up to her name someday. 

“Oh thank god you’re here.” 

Kim Sunoo stands before you in work pants and a polo shirt underneath light blue scrubs peeking out from below it. At this early hour, Sunoo looks like the epitome of a walking doll and you don’t know how he does it. 

“What, did the clinic catch on fire?”

“Haha, very funny. Everything’s fine. I’m just tired and bored, and Jake’s probably losing his mind because he’s been up for God knows how long.”

“You couldn’t wait until I clocked in to bother me, could you?”

He merely grins. “Nope. You know how much I like getting on your case.” Rolling your eyes has become second nature at this point.

“How’s Riki doing? Any minor injuries that I need to know about?”

“He’s eating out of the palm of my hand, as per usual,” Sunoo says with a playful laugh that makes his ears turn red. “He keeps making up excuses to come here. It’s completely bullshit, but I can’t help feeling sorry for the guy.”

Smiling, you wait for him to approach before walking towards the back area. “You’re endeared, Sun. I know that much for sure.”

“Ugh, as if. He’s an annoying pest that keeps coming in for minor ‘injuries’ that shouldn’t count as injuries.” 

“Maybe, but he’s definitely coming here because he wants to bother you. He gets so upset when you’re not around and he waits until you’re available to help him.” 

Sunoo revels in this information. It’s really cute watching your coworker trying (and failing) to deny his budding feelings for the boy. “Whatever. Don’t you need to clock in?” 

The clinic itself is small but spacious. It takes up an entire plot of land with an emergency landing area in the front, a special wing for patients that need extra care and overnight stays, a waiting area by the entrance, room for multiple hospital beds and curtains to separate, patient rooms, and a backroom that acts as a home away from home. As the town’s only medical center with equipment sustainable for serious injury just before a trip to the nearest hospital in Seoul, you have become well acquainted with the residents of Ganghwa in the three years you’ve lived on the island. 

Perhaps the calm and easy going atmosphere is what keeps you coming back to the clinic a few days a week. There’s little to complain about, even with the ever changing call times and the amount of hours on your timesheet. During flu season during late summer and into early winter, the clinic sees more foot traffic compared to the summertime, where patients typically come in for small work injuries. Children stop by for allergy check ups and the townspeople come by for their annual examinations. 

Really, it’s the people that keep you entertained. There are folks from all walks of life who live on this island. Ganghwa has its fair share of elderly neighbors who know about the town’s history by heart and young children who are just learning how to walk. There are fishermen who make humble work by shipping their catch to Seoul for profit and farmers at the northern part of town who help provide local, cheaper produce. It’s a self-sufficient town for the most part and the reason why you’ll never complain about an early or late call time is because you never know who will walk though the clinic doors. 

“Thank god you’re here.” 

“I’m starting to think this clinic would shut down if I quit.” 

Jake Sim looks at you with the kind of smile that would make any girl buckle at the knees. He looks like he hasn’t slept in a week, but he still greets you with a smile and stands up from his chair, discarding his half-eaten sandwich on the desk to pull you into the backroom with Sunoo trailing behind you. 

“We all know that’s true. It’s probably why Hayoon wants you to take her position when you’re ready,” Sunoo says as he leans on the desk and combs his hair with his fingers. 

“You guys having fun without me?” 

“If by fun, you mean tackling the paperwork before the clinic gets busy, then absolutely.” Jake settles back into his chair when you lean on the space next to him. He looks up at you and offers half of his sandwich, but you shake your head and tell him to finish it. “Do you think Hayoon would get mad if I took a quick nap?”

“Don’t be stupid, Sim,” Sunoo says with a short laugh. 

“My ass studied until the crack of dawn and forgot I had a shift today. Man, this cardiovascular shit is killing me.” He turns his chair to face you, clutching your hands dramatically. “I’m too young to die. Please, save me from my misery.” 

“You’re so stupid.”

“You love me like this,” Jake says with a grin. 

“Mhm.” 

“Anyway,” Sunoo interrupts, “the clinic’s opening soon so I’ll make my rounds and make sure we’re prepped for the day.” 

“Thanks, Sun. Can you make sure patient files are alphabetized when you get the chance? I think one of our interns forgot to put them in order last night.” 

“Yup!” 

Sunoo leaves the break room and the stopper shuts the door quietly behind him. Jake throws away the excess wrapper and opens his water bottle, chugging half of the container before wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

“Do you think you could come over and help me understand the cardio lesson? Please?”

“You’re literally the smartest person I know. You don’t need my help.” 

“And you’re the smartest person I know, which is why I need your help. I nearly failed the last exam and now I’m scared that I’ll fall out of med school.”

Jake watches you roll your eyes. “What was your percentage?”

“Eighty-nine.”

“You ass.” He winces when you smack his shoulder. “You didn’t fail, dumbass.”

“An eighty-nine is not an A, dude. You know that. And you also know that I want to be chief of medical staff at Seoul National Hospital, so I can’t afford to fuck up my final grades.”

“Okay, I get where you’re coming from. It’s fun to give you grief, you know?” 

“Very funny. My arms and shoulders always catch strays whenever you’re around.” You hold your hand up and smile when he winces. 

“Good. Have I pavloved you enough to be scared of me?” He fixes his posture and dramatically sits upright.

“Nope.” 

“Ha. Sure.” You retract your hand and use your time card to clock in by placing the barcode on the back of your ID badge near an electronic reader. “You know, you better savor being able to clock in and get ready after your shift instead of doing all this shit before you start getting paid.”

“Oh, I’m well aware that I’m living in Heaven. Trust me. I hear horror stories from my classmates at their rotations and internships. It makes me happy that Hayoon’s pretty lax on that.”

“Yeah, well, that’s because she runs a neighborhood clinic. When you make it big in Seoul, there’s less pay and more work.”

“Are you trying to say I can’t handle that pressure?” 

You smile softly. “No. I’m telling you how it is because making the switch from Ganghwa Clinic to SNH won’t be as smooth as your sweet talking.” 

“You flatter me.” 

“You know I support your dreams, right?” you ask him. “I think it’s cool. Seoul’s a big place. It’s scary when you don’t know anybody in the big city.” 

Jake’s eyes soften. “I know you’re just looking out for me. That's why you agreed to tutor me, right?” 

“Tsk. Believe what you want.” 

For the better half of three years, Jake’s been somewhere between your coworker and best friend. He was the first person who introduced himself to you when you first moved to Ganghwa with nothing but two large suitcases. Your apartment at the time hadn’t been far from his parents’ fishing port where they'd start work before the sun kissed the sky. When your wheel got stuck on some fishing line, Jake came to the rescue and used a pocket knife to cut and set your luggage free. You’d see him again the next morning when you let the delivery people take your mattress up to your room, and he had asked if you needed an extra pair of hands unpacking. 

At this time, the adrenaline that came with running from Seoul hadn’t worn off. You were anything but excited, instead wary of strangers and unable to truly appreciate a simple act of kindness because of the walls you maintained over the last two and a half decades of your life. His offer was met with a meek smile and a weak promise to tell him you’ll let him know if you need any help. He introduced himself and you timidly said your name before watching him walk into his parents’ place of business. 

It’s hard to think that so much time has passed since then. You were such a shy, empty shell of a woman compared to the version you see when you look into the mirror. It’s easy to run from your problems, but facing the lonely consequence of starting anew was something you thought you were ready for. Ganghwa was a challenge, though. There was no one to turn to and nothing to protect you from the lonely reality of moving to a new town, especially when you hadn’t known a single soul upon arrival. It was a stark juxtaposition from your life in Seoul. But even through the challenges and uphill battles, finding your way and carving out your own path seemed much more favorable than pretending to be someone you’re not. 

Still, the adjustment period took a while until you got used to it. Back home, you were too comfortable living in a large home as the only occupant. The house was grand and opulent, adorned with fine art from Europe and decor from Japan. Every room had a purpose and the household was just homelike enough to make you feel more inclined to keep up your end of the bargain. Seoul was a cushion you could always fall back on with resources and a network more than willing to point you in the right direction, but they never seemed to care enough to help you when you asked. Learning to keep to yourself was far easier than anyone gives you credit for. It must be why everybody was shocked when you had moved to Ganghwa. 

The weight of public opinion and familiar judgments follows you to the island. At the beginning, it seemed like the days were long and hard because it felt as though your past was just around every corner. Looking back at this time, you think of yourself as a bit too paranoid and conditioned to feel like you needed to care about what others thought of you. Bending yourself to the will of others was your fatal flaw, or so you’d like to think. 

Enter Jake. He’s the perfect boy next door who always seemed to have a smile on his face no matter what the season looked like outside. He was kind, sweet, and always willing to give you a helping hand even if you reached out to him at odd hours of the night. Jake was somebody completely new with no pretext as to who you were or why you came to Ganghwa in the first place. He was just a local citizen trying to get by while working to achieve his dreams on his own. He mirrored you in some way, too. The two of you were pursuing a degree in medicine at the same time, but mostly, you could see yourself in how he carried himself. You saw the way he was passionate about leaving Ganghwa to start a life in a brand new city where he had to prove himself worthy instead of being given opportunity upon opportunity without any real merit. 

There’s something about his grit and determination that resonated so deeply within you. Becoming close with him in a short period of time caught you off guard in every way imaginable. Jake was so kind and nonjudgmental, which was something you hadn’t experienced in a very long time, and although it took you a while to let your guard down, the reward was a blooming friendship that remained steady for three years. Unlike the chauvinistic personalities within Seoul’s elite group of families, Jake was down to earth and more than willing to help you let go of the past that haunted you so deeply. 

“Did you hear that the fall carnival is coming back to town?”

“Oh, is it?” you ask. 

“Mhm. Heard it from my mom a few days back. I guess the company was able to raise enough money to put it back on and make it better this year,”

“I remember when we went. That was a nice night.”

Jake laughs. “I don’t know if ‘nice’ is the right word. Everything looked like it was falling to pieces and the food was terrible. But sure, let’s go with ‘nice.’” ‘

“You’re such a pessimist.”

“Am not! Don’t slander my name.” Jake throws away his trash and clocks back into his shift with his card. “Anyway, I thought it would be cool to go together again. I know you had it pretty rough a few years ago, so I want to make new memories. That, and this carnival was so cool when I was a kid. I need you to experience that version.” 

“Okay, I might have to take you up on that offer. Are you still paying like you did the last time we went?"

Jake makes a displeased face. “That was different. But…sure. What the hell. You’re my best friend so of course I’d pay for you.” His mouth contorts into a soft smile when you beam at him.  

“You’re the best.” 

“Yeah, yeah. It’s the least I could do.”

You opt to join Sunoo in the front of the clinic while Jake works on some paperwork for Hayoon. He tells you he’ll be out in an hour or so, or whenever it starts to pick up. When you’re about to cross the threshold outside, Jake pulls your attention back to him when he calls out your name. 

“Yeah?” 

“Before I forget to ask, did Hayoon ever talk to you about a new investor?”

You shake your head. “Nope. Haven’t heard a thing about that.”

“Huh. Okay, ignore me.” 

“Why are you asking?” He shrugs casually, looking at the computer monitor before looking back at you.

“I think she’s been talking to somebody about bringing more money in for the clinic.”

“That's good, though. A new investor means more money.”

“I guess.” You lean on the door frame.

“Why do you seem so apprehensive about it?” 

“Well…I have a weird feeling. She knows more about this stuff than I do, obviously, but my gut’s telling me that something’s about to happen.” He waves himself off like he’s trying to convince you that he’s alright. “I’m probably overthinking it. I’m not privy to this stuff since Hayoon’s the main boss. I have a little bit of knowledge about investors because of my dad’s fishing business, but that’s pretty much it.”

“How do you know about this anyway? Did she talk to you about it?”

“Nope. I saw it in her email when I logged into work last week. Hayoon didn’t log out of her and I opened it by accident. Saw the correspondence and everything. Apparently, someone reached out to her out of the blue and said he was interested in investing.” 

“You snooped through her emails?!” 

“It was an accident!” Jake exclaims with his hands in the air. “I didn’t mean to read them but…it just kind of happened.”

“Okay so, what, some company reaches out to Hayoon out of the blue?”

“Seems like it. A bunch of people were copied that I don’t recognize. Legal teams and stuff. Don’t you think cold emailing somebody and being persistent on investing is a little shady?”

“Maybe not. Hayoon’s pretty well connected in Seoul, so it’s not that weird, I think. She’s been relying on investors since she started the clinic.”

“Yeah, you're right. Maybe it’s business from word of mouth?”

You shrug. “A blessing is a blessing.”

“They’ve been talking back and forth about setting up a meeting to discuss this in depth. He offered to pay the money upfront but she suggested sending somebody to check out the clinic before making any rash decisions.” 

“She should just take the money and run,” you say with a half laugh. 

“I think so too. But you know Hayoon. She’s painfully thorough and only accepts money from people who actually believe in this clinic.”

“It’s what I like about her the most.” 

“Me too. You know what’s weird? I did some digging into this company and they’re huge. I’m talking about investing in major stocks and partnering with Fortune 500 companies in America, huge. I don't know how Ganghwa Clinic got on their radar or why they want to invest in us. It makes me think this is some pro bono type shit.” 

There’s a brief pause. “Corporations have quotas they need to fill on an annual basis. A large part of the greater capital landscape includes giving back to the community and investing time and money into charitable businesses that do good in different areas of Korea. Maybe this is their objective.”

“You sound like you’re sure.”

“That’s because I am.”

“Another one of your weird backstories you refuse to talk about?” 

“You could say that.”

“Okay. Let’s say you’re right. It doesn’t seem like they’re doing this to be nice. A company as big as this would have a history of charitable work, but they don’t. I’ve never read anything about this company supporting any business that doesn’t directly tie into their own financial gain. I don’t understand why this company, or the guy who reached out for that matter, is so hellbent on investing in us.”

“What’s the name of the company?” 

“Park Financial Group.” 

What?

“I’m sorry, Park Financial Group is the company that wants to invest in us?”

“Yeah?” 

“Who’s the person Hayoon’s been emailing? Who’s coming to see the clinic?”

“Why does it matter?”

“It just does, Jake.” 

The way you look at him and the finality in your tone makes the hair on the back of Jake’s neck stand at attention. You’ve never talked to him like this. He’s used to playful banter or lulls in conversation where you look like you’re reminiscing about a past life from before you moved to Ganghwa, something Jake learned not to question in the early months of your friendship. But you’ve never talked to him like you’re afraid of what you might find out. It almost makes him scared to tell you what he knows.

“Tell me. Who’s coming to the clinic?”

“Some guy called Park Sunghoon.” 

Shit. 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

JANUARY 2004

There’s a sweet bun in your lunchbox. Again. 

Maybe other eight-year-olds love sweet buns filled with vanilla cream and powdered sugar on top, but you’re not one of those kids. It tastes like sugar packets were poured directly onto your tongue. That sweet sensation makes your teeth ache and you’d much rather eat the savory items in your lunchbox, but your mother has a knack for trying to make you into something you’re not. 

You don’t eat it, but you don’t throw it out because your mom has a way of making you feel guilty for not fully appreciating the things she gives you, even if you never asked for them in the first place. If it’s uneaten, you’re likely to hear her go on and on about how ungrateful you are and hear her compare you to your younger brother—Jungwon has a sweet tooth and will always finish what’s put on his plate—which leaves you exhausted and upset. She’d say that you’re wasting good, expensive food when you throw it away because some less fortunate soul could’ve gotten it instead, and berate you for choosing to toss it in the trash. It was always a lose-lose situation with her. 

That layer of complexity was too much for you at that young age. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to eat it as fast as you can to avoid tasting it. But you’d be really sick after, right? All that sugar makes your stomach hurt and your mouth feel so dry. You’re not allowed to have anything but your pencils and workbooks with you. Water breaks were only during recess and class time outs. Throwing the dessert in the trash wasn’t an option either. You’d feel bad for the poor, imaginary soul who you envisioned watching you throw away a perfectly good treat. 

On a Wednesday afternoon in January, your classmate Sunghoon laments over the fact that he forgot his lunch. His desk is right next to yours. It sits just a few feet apart and today’s a particularly rainy day, so lunch recess is held in the classrooms instead of outside on the playground. You look at him from the corner of your eyes and see his plush lips pouting like he’s about to cry. He stares at his empty desk and his quiet demeanor makes you feel bad for him. 

What if you gave your sweet bun to Sunghoon? 

“Here,” you offer, putting it on his desk. He looks at you but doesn’t say anything. “You can have it. Did you forget your lunchbox? I forget mine too sometimes. My mom says I’m forgetful.” 

Sunghoon looks at it curiously and you hide a smile when he picks it up to inspect it.  

“I hate sweets,” you assure him. “You can have it.”

He unwraps the bun and takes a slow bite. It takes him a second to chew and he glances sideways towards you while he does it. You think he must be a shy little thing with the way his eyes dart back to his hands when you look back at him.

“Vanilla. My favorite.” 

You smile. “I like chocolate. But not when it’s really sweet. White chocolate is too sweet. Makes my teeth hurt.”

“I like candy and cake. My dad says me and my sister eat too much of it.”

“Maybe you do.”

“Hey.” 

You giggle. “Just kidding. More dessert for you.” 

Sunghoon doesn’t look so sullen anymore and that little pink dust on the apples of his cheeks makes him look so precious. The younger version of yourself feels a sense of warmth in your chest when you watch him eat instead of sulk over having no lunch that day. You think of him like some sort of newborn fawn looking at the world for the first time. He’s always been a shy, quiet kid who never raises his hand unless your teacher asks him questions directly. He doesn’t have many friends either, just his younger sister who goes to school in the kindergarten class across campus.

In some ways, you take it upon yourself to befriend Sunghoon and coax him out of his shell. Your mother, pleased with the sweet bun having seemingly been eaten from your lunchbox, packs you another one the following morning. It’s the same one from the previous day and you give it away to Sunghoon, who remembered to bring his lunchbox. He looks at you quite stunned when you walk up to him by the sandbox and hand him the sweet bun without saying a word. Sunghoon’s little hand takes it from you and watches as you sit next to him and begin eating. 

This pattern repeats itself during your lunch breaks. It doesn’t matter the dessert—more sweet buns, pies, cakes, or anything with too much frosting—you give it to Sunghoon and tell him some long winded, elaborate story about how much you detest desserts and how these particular sweets came to be in your lunchbox. In due time, Sunghoon begins to accept the sweet treats like he’s expecting you to hand it to him every time he sees you. A natural balance is created and it’s a win-win for the both of you. Sunghoon gets his fair share of being a sweet tooth and you no longer have your mother on your back about not appreciating what she gives to you.

He doesn’t talk too much but that doesn’t bother you at all. You’re used to your younger brother letting you talk his ear off while he remains quiet. You’d force him to dress up in a princess dress and play pretend with him to his dismay, and you’d speak on behalf of all the plush animals in your collection until you were satisfied with how it went. Tea parties were always your favorite. You’d create elaborate stories and assign character traits to the stuffed animals sitting at the table from nefarious business scandals (the brown bear absolutely stole a heap's worth of candy from the polar bear) to love affairs (the rabbit loved both the horse and the giraffe). All of it was discussed over tea with the melody of your voice serving as the soundtrack. Your brother chimed in from time to time, but it was always you that carried each conversation.

Somewhere along the way, Sunghoon became a replacement for these make-believe conversations. He was a real, tangible person who was willing to listen to everything you had to say, and it was the first time somebody paid real attention to you without obligation. Your mother and father were always too busy to pick you up from school or to entertain childlike wonder when they were off running a multi-billion dollar company, but these nuances wouldn’t come to you until much later in life. At this moment, Sunghoon is your best friend.

It was quite the surprise to find out that his parents knew yours. Of course, at such a young age, understanding how integral your respective families were to the greater Korean society went far over your little head. To you, your parents were merely people who provided a roof and enough food to keep you from going hungry. It wasn’t until one fateful evening that your parents brought you to the Park residence, where Sunghoon was wearing a three piece suit. Even at such a young age did you think he looked a bit silly like that. It wasn’t like you were any better in your baby pink pleated dress, opaque white tights, and shoes that made you feel like a ballerina. You’d fussed about the shade of pink but relented after a screaming match with your mother. 

Everybody was delighted to know the two of you had become fast friends. While his parents were worried that Sunghoon’s introverted tendencies would prevent him from making friends, your parents were worried that your extroversion would scare people off. There was a nice balance both sets of parents foresaw as the two of you hid away in the playroom just around the corner from the private dining hall in his home. 

Sunghoon has always been a sweet, quiet child. His patience and temperament was unmatched at his young age and everybody noticed it too. He had those chubby cheeks that made him look exceptionally cuter than he already was, and the younger version of you couldn’t help but point them out every time you sat next to him during recess in grade school. He wasn’t without other friends, but nobody knew him quite like you did. Even without having to say a word or lift a finger, you always seemed to know that basking in his silence meant he hung onto every word you said. 

He knew so much about you throughout the years the two of you grew up together. It wasn’t just sandbox lunch dates. It was social luncheons where his dress shirt collar was too tight and when your outfit was too colorful for your liking. It was weddings and birthdays for mutual friends within your shared social circle. Sunghoon saw you past his classmate who gave him sweet desserts as an act of defiance against your mother, who he knew could be overbearing when she wanted to be. And it wasn’t like Sunghoon was silent. He always preferred to talk when he had something to say and keep to himself otherwise. His father had taught him the importance of keeping one’s mind clear and succinct in order to get his point across. Sunghoon, who had always been a natural introvert, could use the excuse that he had nothing to add to the conversation when he didn’t feel like talking.

You, on the other hand, had no issue striking up conversations. Your ability to pull something out of thin air made you seem like a natural conversationalist, even as young as the second grade. You’re intimidating in ways a child shouldn’t be and well spoken for a girl who was learning how to structure sentences during the school day. Your eagerness to give Sunghoon your sweet treats made him look forward to the lunch recess, but it was your lack of expectation from him that made him stay.  

Sunghoon had chosen to stick by your side throughout grade school. The new school year brought changes and uncertainties he wasn’t used to, especially when he’d started to miss class for ice skating competitions when he was younger. Relying you on for homework and to catch him up on the latest gossip was a rewarding end to his tiresome days. It wasn’t until he decided to quit figure skating that your friendship changed forever. 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

OCTOBER 2025

“I need a drink.” 

“It’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?”

Ganghwa’s best drive bar (or so Jake claims) is a dingy little hideout on the edge of town. It’s a short drive from the clinic and even closer to his apartment. He says he comes here a lot to unwind and catch up with old friends. The bartender knows him well enough to know what he's going to order, and that alone tells you just how often Jake stops by. 

It smells of stale liquor and dried beer. Soji bottles sit atop the shelves behind the bar and the yellow light illuminates them like they’re meant to be some sort of homemade decor. The lighting in the room is too low for you to properly see everything, including a foosball table in the back and pool table right next to it. There’s a bit of smoke coming from the back, where a few older men are smoking cigarettes and talking amongst themselves. It feels familiar in ways that light up your bones and make the blood rush right to your cheeks, although you’d like to blame it on the fact that you’re wearing a long sleeved shirt in a warm room. 

“This one’s on me,” Jake says so casually. The bartender looks at you expectantly and you struggle to say something, looking at Jake like he grew another head.

“You don’t have to do that.” He flashes you that charming smile, the kind that used to make your stomach erupt like a school girl. You suppose it still does, because you turn towards the bartender and tell him you’ll have a rum and coke. 

“Tell Jakey what’s wrong and maybe he’ll solve all your problems.” 

“First of all, never call yourself ‘Jakey’ ever again.”

“Why? You don’t like it?” He leans against the bar table and raises his eyebrows like he’s trying to get you to laugh. Unfortunately, it works.

“You’re too cool to be talking like that.”

“Like what?”

“Third person. It’s corny. And you’re making me feel embarrassed to be seen with you.” 

Jake smiles. “Got you to laugh, though.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” you say with a fond smile of your own. The bartender places both drinks on the table while Jake closes the tab. 

You take a sip and feel the carbonation and dark rum slide down your throat. The alcohol tastes like smoked vanilla and caramel and pairs well with the syrupy, sugary taste of Coca-Cola. The cocktail is so simple by design, but it tastes like nostalgia in a cup. 

The last time you drank was three and a half years ago and just before you moved to Ganghwa. You felt much like you do now—frustrated, anxious, and uncertain—and had found a bit of solace in the late hour accompanied by various cocktails and wines at your disposal. Life seemed much bigger than yourself back then. It felt like a never ending cycle of ego competitions and wondering if the next day would feel the same as the last. A good, strong liquor could make you feel like things were getting better, and it made you normal with your predicament. The familiar taste that graces your tongue brings you right back to that time in your life. 

“What’s up with you today?”

“Me?” You ask, feigning confusion. “Nothing’s wrong. Busy day as usual and I’m just tired.”

“You tell me that and yet we’re in a bar.” 

“So what?” 

“You never want to come to the bar with me,” Jake explains. “You decline every time I invite you out.” 

You feel yourself getting defensive. He watches you frown and straighten your posture. “And? I can choose to abstain from alcohol. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“That isn’t what I meant,” he says with a softer tone. It manages to diffuse how you feel just a little bit, but your fingers are still curled around your glass. That doesn’t go unnoticed by Jake, whose eyes dart to your grip. You manage to loosen it because his stare makes you a bit uncomfortable and you feel like you’re in the hot seat when he does press forward. 

You feel similarly to the way you did three years ago. The uncomfortable silence permeates as old feelings come back to the surface like the weight you had put on them suddenly vanished. The truth comes clawing at your throat with its sharp talons prodding at every spot that makes you want to cough. You feel helpless sitting next to him with 90s rock and roll floating in the air around you. It doesn’t help that the alcohol has started to hit on an empty stomach. You can’t remember the last time you ate today. Was it lunch?

Jake looks at you like he’s some sort of curious puppy trying to understand where your head is at. He’s never pushy nor aggressive with his approach. It makes you want to scream and hug him at the same time. Jake’s not one for being very direct when he knows sensitive topics are at play. Instead, he lets you come to him and waits patiently until you’re ready to talk. It’s how he won you over in the first place. While your neighbors and curious townsfolk were eager to get to know the new resident who moved to a small town from a big city, Jake was ready to lend a helping hand and make you feel more comfortable in your new living situation instead of prying for answers to questions they didn’t need to be asking. 

The thing is, the truth is sitting just underneath your threshold. It’s like there’s a gate that dictates what comes out of your mouth when you talk and chooses to close shut when it matters the most. You can talk anyone’s ear off about medicine or things you’re currently fascinated by, but the idea of opening up about your past with Sunghoon makes it feel like insects are crawling underneath your skin and making a permanent residence there. Your chest feels heavier now that you realize there’s nothing you can do about stopping him from coming here. Not when he’s that insistent on making it happen.

Everything you’ve been running from feels like they’re catching up to you. No matter how far you travel or how fast you’re going, it still manages to creep up on you like the cold autumn wind that follows hot summer air. It takes you by surprise. Just when you thought you’ve settled into your new life and manage to gather a routine that makes you feel excited about waking up the next morning, reality comes knocking on your door expecting to be let in. Life has a funny way of reminding you that these things never truly disappear. 

What would you even tell Jake? How could you explain the full truth to him and have it be coherent? Putting your emotions on the line is the last thing you want to do. You came to Ganghwa to forget about your past and you’ve made peace with the idea of things changing and forever evolving. But now it’s like you’ve been sent right back into the past where nothing and nobody could truly ever help nor understand you. How could you explain to Jake all that you’re running from? 

The apprehension across your face doesn’t go unnoticed. It’s hard to look at him when he can tell you’re holding yourself back. It’s been three years since Ganghwa became your permanent residence and you haven’t told a soul about why you moved here. Jake, for one, has been by your side since you first moved into your apartment. He’s been respectful and careful when conversation steers into uncharted territory. But what’s past is past and you can’t change anything from where you sit. Memories of late night rendezvous and managing to keep yourself awake for hours on end flash through your mind when you put yourself back in Seoul. The life you had in the past is nothing compared to the quiet but tedious one you live now. In fact, you’d take the peace and quiet that comes with a small town over loud chatter any day. 

There’s deep shame when you think about it. It’s the kind of feeling that keeps you up at night like an old haunt that refuses to leave you alone. Jake is so far removed from the person you once were and the life you lived; he’s the kind of person you can rely on when it counts and he’d never complain about an inconvenience if it means seeing you happy. He’ll answer the phone in the middle of the night without complaining and he’ll question everything just the right amount without prying too much. Jake is every bit of considerate in ways you aren’t and he’s the complete opposite of the people you knew back in Seoul. They would never dare to open doors they’re unwilling to shut behind them, but Jake is different. He’ll scope out the entire room and find every nook and cranny before piecing together the entire picture. He always knows the right questions to ask and will never leave any stone unturned, even if that means being patient and waiting for the right time to ask every question he harbors in his mind. 

“Is it because Hayoon didn’t tell us about the investor?” 

“No,” you say again with an exasperated sigh. “She doesn’t need to tell us who she’s doing business with. This clinic existed long before we were here. It’s not like I have the right to know everything going through her mind at any given moment.”

“You’re right, but we all know Hayoon wants you to run the clinic after you’ve gotten some experience when you graduate. That, and we all know it’s your dream to operate it whenever she decides to retire.” 

“It doesn’t bother me that she didn’t say anything about the new investor. Seriously.”

“You’re either lying to me or you’re not telling me the whole truth.” 

“Shut up.”

He grins. “Ah. I’m onto something.” 

“How she runs her business isn’t up to me,” you say as you settle back into your chair. “It’s not like I’m taking over the business any time soon. She can do whatever she wants and doesn't have to loop me in on it, or anything.”

“But?”

“But what?”

“Come on, dude. There’s something else you aren’t telling me. I respect it if you don’t want to talk about it right now, but you’ve been on edge ever since this morning. I’m only asking because I care about you. I’ve never seen you like this and it’s starting to worry me.” 

“It’s long and it’s complicated.” 

“I can do complicated.” He looks right at you. You, on the other hand, look down at your fingers and pick around your nails. Looking at Jake has become too much.

“Ha. Yeah, right. I’ve probably got enough trauma and terrible life experience to make you want to run for the hills.”

“Nah. You know me well enough to know there’s nothing that could scare me. I want to be a surgeon for a living, my dear.” 

“Do you want to stare at open bodies all day?”

“Don’t change the subject. Why are you so apprehensive about this Sunghoon guy?” 

Your mouth forms a thin smile. It irritates you to know that Jake’s right to call you out on your bullshit. He might be the only person in your life who might. 

“I used to be married to him.” 

The memory of his brown eyes avoiding your very own comes to mind when you think about him. Sunghoon had asked you to meet him at Vamfield Café on that fateful rainy Saturday morning five years ago. Senior year of undergrad tore you to pieces between the imminent expectation to begin the process of working at your family’s company with the goal of a transition of power by the time your parents wanted to retire. It was a time of reconciliation and considering the notion that the life you wanted was not the life you’d be living. 

Sunghoon called you out of the blue. After four years of watching his life on social media and barely hearing from him, your former friend had walked back into your life like he’d never left it. He still looked the same with his thick and dark eyebrows and lean, tall body. But he looks more mature now and much more beautiful than you remembered. When he sat across from you at that small restaurant tucked between a gas station and a dumpling house, you wondered if you were living in a dream or a nightmare. 

Will you marry me? He had asked while toying with a small black velvet box. 

He hadn’t talked to you since you both left for college. It felt like four years of solitude without him by your side in university. It was the first time in your life Sunghoon hadn’t been someone you could count on. Working on getting over your best friend and moving on felt like it was all for naught and your beating heart gave away the only ounce of dignity you had left. Sunghoon didn’t give you a chance to ask him why when he started to explain his reasoning for coming to you after all these years. 

I want to be upfront with you. My parents are only willing to consider me to take over the company if I show them commitment over the next five years. This marriage will only exist on paper and in the media. We’re free to do whatever we want as long as we hold up our contract for a few years.  

Sunghoon opens the box and you see a large cut diamond ring. It isn’t your taste at all. It’s expensive and flashy and catches the light from the ceiling, making it glisten right in front of your eyes. This isn’t how you imagined it going at all. Over the years, daydreaming about your best friend had become your favorite pastime and you’d always thought about waking up next to him every morning to help you fall asleep. Ideally, Sunghoon would ask you to marry him in the most casual yet intimate way without making it a grandiose occasion. He’d slip a ring onto your finger and tell you he loved you, and preferably, he’d look you in the eye when asking you to marry him. 

What do you say? Sunghoon asked as he looked up from the wooden dinner table. Are you in?

Like a hopefully, starry-eyed doe, you said yes. 

Jake spits some of his beer from his mouth. “I’m sorry, what?”

“I used to be married to Park Sunghoon.” 

“Yeah, I heard the first time. What do you mean you were married?” 

“When two people choose to spend the rest of their lives together, they hold a ceremony—”

“I’m serious,” Jake says with that tone of his that makes you shut your mouth. He’s usually the kind of guy that likes to joke around more often than not. He’s the first person to crack a joke in awkward silence and greet everybody before you could get a word in. The look he gives you tells you everything you need to know about how he might be feeling, and the guilt of keeping so much of your past in the dark weighs on you as you try to sit still.

“Please don’t be mad.” 

“I’m not mad.” Jake sighs and puts his beer back on the table. “I didn’t mean to make you upset. I didn’t expect you to say you were married.” 

“For two years.”

“Two years,” Jake says like he’s trying to measure the length of time. “Wow. That’s, uh, a decent amount of time to be married to someone.” 

“I was young and really in love.

“As most people would be.” 

“Too young to know what I was getting myself into, probably.”

“There are so many couples in this town that probably said the same thing.” 

That makes you laugh. “Probably.”

“So you and Sunghoon got married? And then what?” 

“Got married, lived together for two years, then divorced.” 

“You make it sound so simple.”

“It was.” 

“We both know you’re lying but I’ll skip past that for now. You’re telling me you didn’t live with him until after your wedding?”

“We had our own separate homes.”

“Where did you go on your honeymoon?” 

“We didn’t have one.”

“What?”

“We just weren’t that type of couple.” 

“He never took you on a vacation to celebrate being married? You guys jumped straight into domestic, married life and never looked back?” 

“You’re too much of a hopeless romantic.”

“And you aren’t romantic enough.” 

You check his shoulder with your own. “We were busy, okay? Sunghoon was being considered to take over his father’s company. It was a stressful time for him.”

“What about you?”

“Well, my parents really wanted me to take over their business too. I didn’t want to work for a bunch of financial executives and eventually become one myself, so I left.” 

“There are so many questions I have for you,” Jake says. “I don’t even know where to begin.”

“You can start anywhere, I guess.”

“You’re rich.” 

“That isn’t a question.”

He waves you off. “Semantics. You’re telling me I paid for both of our drinks and you’re rich?” 

“Don’t act like you refuse to let me pay.”

“Might let you foot the bill or two.” Your smile doesn’t quite reach your eyes. It isn’t because you might need to actually repay Jake fiscally. There’s some lingering thought in the back of your head that he, and the other people you care about in Ganghwa, will look and treat you differently when they know the truth. 

“I’ll pay whatever if that makes you don’t treat me differently.”

His eyes soften. “Hey, I won’t think of you like those rich chaebols who don’t give two shits about the working class. You’ve earned your keep. I just need a minute or two to digest the fact that you used to be married and that you’re an heiress.” 

“Ha. Heiress. That’s funny. I highly doubt my parents would give the company to me. Not that I want it, anyway. It’ll probably fall under the hands of my brother.”

“Ah, yes. Jungwon, who fell into the river the first time I took him fishing.”

“That’s the one. He’s way more into this accounting and finance stuff than I am. He’s a natural at it, too. I never cared much for investing or being on the board of some shitty company that turns profit for rich people. Jungwon will do some good.” 

“The more you talk, the less chaebol you seem.” 

“I don’t think I ever fit that side of the stereotype. I think my parents and everyone else knew it too. My head was always up in the clouds and I hated anything that had to do with fundraisers and public outings. Everyone made me feel like a zoo animal instead of a human being. I always wanted to do something bigger than myself. I was the problem child because I never did what I was told until it was time to step up to the plate and accept responsibility. I hated who I was before moving here. I felt like I was a puppet and everybody got to tug on my strings until they got bored.”

“What do you mean by stepping up to the plate? Did your parents pressure you into taking over the company?” You look down at your drink to see the ice floating in the alcohol. The glass is cool from the condensation, a drastic juxtaposition from how warm and sweaty your palms are becoming. 

“Sunghoon and I got married because it’s what our parents wanted. Our marriage would strengthen our family’s reputations and his father would let him take over the company if he started a family. My mom pressured me into it. She said there were rumors about me becoming a spinster. I never cared, but she was the pinnacle of society back then. We’d grown up together and it made sense.”

“Wait…You were in an arranged marriage?” 

“Pretty much.”

“You say that like it’s another Tuesday.” 

“I say that because it happened years ago and I’ve moved on from it.”

“Clearly,” Jake says sarcastically. “We’re sitting in a bar on a weeknight and you’re rehashing this like it’s just another story.”

“I’m over it, Jake. What’s past is past. I can’t go back and change things for how they are. Besides, I’m really happy now. I don’t have people in my ear telling me who to be or how to dress. I get to make my own path and do what I want with my life instead of following in the footsteps of people who think they know what’s best. Seoul always felt like it was choking the life out of me. I never got to do anything I wanted and had to listen to other people tell me who I was supposed to be and how to act. My family never cared about what I wanted and forced me to do things I wish I could undo. But I can’t change it. I can’t go back in time and tell myself to leave faster. I’ve grown a lot since then and I don’t want to think about the person I was before moving here.”

Jake doesn’t say anything for a little bit. The discomfort settles as he searches for the right thing to say. It’s the first time you’ve opened up to him about your life before Ganghwa. He’s heard bits and pieces, like stories with your brother and favorite childhood memories, but he can’t recall a single time where you’ve ever reminisced over your life if Jungwon wasn’t involved. It makes him wonder what other things you might be bottling up. 

He’s halfway finished with his beer. The condensation drips onto his fingers. “I kind of get it. It’s not the same, but that’s what living here feels like. I’ve spent my entire life doing what other people wanted until I decided to stop.”

“It never gets any easier, does it?”

Jake shakes his head. “I’m afraid not. Although, misery loves company so that’s probably why we’re friends.” 

“Ever the optimist.” 

“One of us has to be.” 

“Sunghoon and I were childhood friends first, you know. We met in the second grade when he forgot his lunch, so we shared mine. Our friendship kind of happened. We were really close until high school. Things changed and we drifted apart until we got married.”

“I feel like I’m missing something here.” 

With a deep sigh, the acid in your stomach feels like it might as well come up your throat. The chatter in the bar is low and you feel like everybody behind you is listening to every word you say, even though you know that isn’t true. Opening up like this feels as though you’re putting your heart right on the table in front of everyone to see. 

Most of all, you’re nervous for Jake’s reaction. He’s been such a pivotal role in your life for a while now and you’ve managed to keep him separate from your life back home. It’s been years since you got caught up in this mess. He’s been here for you through a lot and the person you were before meeting him is drastically different compared to who you are today. Talking about Sunghoon brings up old wounds that make you feel ashamed for loving so deeply. It makes you feel naive for thinking you could have it all. 

“I was in love,” you tell him despite the uncomfortable warmth creeping up your neck. “I was really in love with him. We grew up together and I learned so much about him that it felt so natural to me. And it made sense. I knew everything about him and he knew everything about me. But you never really know a person when they’re hiding things from you. Not really, anyway. I could always sense what Sunghoon was feeling and I knew he was pulling away from me when we got to high school. God, I was so naive and hopeful when I was younger. I thought he’d grow out of the phase of wanting nothing to do with me. But it never did. We got married for optics and then I divorced him because I was fed up.” 

“That sounds like a lot. I’m sorry things didn’t work out.” 

Laughing, you think about how funny it is that the younger version of you would’ve been jumping for joy about Sunghoon coming to visit. Now, it feels like a pain point. “In another life, I guess. I don’t love him anymore. I haven’t seen him or his family in three years and I intend to keep it that way.” 

The bartender interrupts your conversation to check in and you buy yourself another rum and coke. Jake pulls out his wallet to pay for you, but you put your card down instead. He doesn’t add anything to the tab because he’s responsible for driving you home, so you close it out and sign the receipt. 

As you drink your second cocktail, Jake starts the conversation once you’re both alone. “You were pretty shaken up when we first met. I guess now I know why.” 

“Sorry for not saying anything. I was…embarrassed. A lot of shit went down that I’m not proud of.” 

“Hey, you don’t need to apologize for everything. We’re friends, right? Friends help each other through good and bad. You don’t need to feel guilty for anything.” 

It’s uncomfortable to sit next to him after divulging your past. It doesn’t matter that you’ve known him for a while. It’s still weird. “I don’t want there to be secrets between us. I need some time.” 

Jake’s hand feels warm against your back. You bring the glass back up to your lips and finish your cocktail. It’s too warm in this bar and everything feels like it’s closing in around you. You know Jake’s more curious than he comes off but you also know he’s the type of person to let you come to him at your own pace. He’s learned that forcing you to open up will result in you shutting him out. 

“I’ll drive you home?” Jake asks tenderly, pulling his hand away from you. 

“Yeah, I think that’s a good idea. I have another early morning.”

“You sure you’ll be okay?”

He’s asking you like there’s an underlying meaning behind his question. You brush it off and stand from the barstool, grabbing the jacket you draped on the counter. “Yeah, I’ll be fine. I just need to shower and sleep.” 

The ride home isn’t a long one. Jake parks in front of your place ten minutes later and looks at you as you close his door behind you. “Get some sleep and don’t stay up too late, okay?”

“You care too much about me.”

“I’d like to think I care enough.” 

You laugh at that, bending down to see him smiling at you. “You’re something else, Jake Sim.”

He shrugs nonchalantly. “I know you better than you think. Take it easy tonight and sleep early. I mean it.”  

“Goodnight, Jake.” 

“Goodnight, Jabba the Hutt.” 

Groaning, he watches you roll your eyes and laughs when you do. “You always ruin the moment.” 

“I’m a comedian. You needed a laugh so I gave you one.”

“Yeah, yeah.” You wave him off and laugh at the same time. “Get home safe, yeah? Text me when you’re home.”

“You got it, Boss.” Jake’s car disappears from your sight when you walk to your front door. He doesn’t leave until he’s watched you enter your apartment and gives you one last smile when you look back.  

Being able to walk around your apartment without bumping into furniture or feeling dizzy catches you off guard. You haven’t eaten since lunch and drank on an empty stomach, and this bar has a reputation for pouring with a heavy hand. When you reach the refrigerator, you opt to grab a few snacks instead of cooking yourself a meal when you become too tired to do anything beyond brushing your teeth and washing your face. 

Jake texts you by the time you’re out of the bathroom to let you know he got home okay. He attaches a picture of himself and his dog Layla as if trying to convince you to smile one last time tonight. Jake doesn’t seem to ever think twice about reminding you that there are things and people you still love despite the hardship you’ve endured. He somehow always knows how to lift your spirits and make your problems feel minuscule. He’s considerate like that. 

You let him know you’re about to sleep when you’re underneath the covers. When social media barely distracts you from Sunghoon coming to Ganghwa, you set an alarm for the next morning and hope you’ll wake up without a headache.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, you find yourself starting your day at a decent time. With a fully sober mind and a chill running through your body because of the autumn air, you reflect on the night before and almost can’t believe Sunghoon’s name shocked you to the point of consuming two drinks. It had been a choice to abstain from alcohol for the time you were in Ganghwa and you told yourself you were too busy to go out drinking. But deep down you know that it takes more than self restraint to avoid slipping back into bad habits. Last night had just been a fluke. Two drinks doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve taken a step back. You’re much stronger than that, right? 

You see a few people that are due for minor check ups in the lobby waiting for available doctors and exams rooms. Saying hello distracts you temporarily from these thoughts that don’t seem to leave your mind. It feels nice to be taken seriously as if you're a real, practicing doctor instead of a medical attending in training. You can’t wear the pristine white coat just yet. Not really, anyway. For now, it’s scrubs and a stethoscope around your neck just to make you feel a bit more professional than you actually are. 

The people in the facility and those who stop by to check in on you resemble the kind of community you’ve been craving for your entire life. Ganghwa Clinic is everything you could’ve hoped for, and the townsfolk who entrust your ever evolving wisdom make it all worth it. To care for a town that cares for you right back feels like some kind of fair and just reciprocity system. There’s no competing and nothing obstructing you from truly helping those who need it. There’s just a pure, uninterrupted community that can lean on each other in times of need. 

Memories of Sunghoon came flooding back to you in that bar with Jake. Being alone in your apartment didn’t fare any better. Images of the two of you flashed across your closed eyelids when you tried to fall asleep and it seems the last time you saw him wasn’t too long ago. Sunghoon might as well be a figment of your imagination or somebody you met in your past life, not your ex-husband and a person you were once deeply and madly in love with. You already left him behind. Why is he coming to Ganghwa and attending to business here? What does he have to gain from it? Why does the world seem to want you to suffer and rehash all of the pain and trauma you’ve successfully escaped? Living on your own and navigating life without constant expectation on both of your shoulders was something freeing and liberating, and it feels like life wants to put you back where you were all those years ago. 

It’s easy to conflate love with escapism. Sunghoon acted as a distraction from your parents and future, but he was also somebody who you trusted. He’d never given you a reason to doubt him up until high school. He’d been your best friend and your everything through thick and thin, and you were always there for him when he needed you the most, too. You’d trade secrets and share everything behind your parents’ backs. It was easy to be his friend and even easier to fall in love with him. Sunghoon’s awkward and timid nature dissipated when he was with you. But it felt like a switch had flipped when high school came around, and the Sunghoon you knew was no longer. Even then, loving him wasn’t a choice. It took a great deal of heartbreak and reality to pull you out of your daydreams. In a way, the current version of you wonders if you’d been living in your head up until you had to leave your hometown. Everything left behind is a product of expectation. Everything you’ve built now is because you worked hard for it.

Love is a flawed construct. It’s built on societal assumption. You’ve been conditioned to view romance as simple as dating and marriage. Everything in between should be easy and simple, but it's not. The hard work to keep a peaceful marriage and control one’s feelings extends far beyond love. Love is cliché and nonexistent; it’s a cover for underlying hatred and it allows people closest to you to lie and get away with it. It harbors deep resentment for the unfixable and blinds people to the point of no return. Love is much more than marriage and schoolgirl feelings. Love means breaking your heart over and over again until there’s nothing left for others to take. And, apparently, it’s all you can think about since waking up. 

Hayoon greets you at the front door. “Good morning! How’d you sleep?”

Wary, you glance at her. Hayoon is the type of woman who starts her day as soon as she wakes up and expects everybody to be the same. Small talk isn’t her forte, nor is it yours, so her mundane question surprises you. But she looks delighted nonetheless and you play along. “Just fine. Why do you ask?” 

She smiles like she knows something you don’t. “How are your studies?”

You cock your head to the side. “Difficult, but what else should I expect from medical school?” 

“Yes, I suppose that’s true." Hayoon laughs and guides you towards the back room and into the lounge. “Well, I guess there’s no use beating around the bush. I actually wanted to talk to you about something important.” 

“Like what?” 

“Why don’t you clock in first. I’ll approve the extra time on your next paycheck.” When you put your bag away in a secure cupboard and start your time clock, you look behind you to see Hayoon learning on the table. She pats the spot next to her. “I think the work we do is really important and I know you do too. One of the reasons why I hired you and wanted to train you was because of your passion and determination to do good by society.”

“Thanks? I’m a little nervous. You’re not usually so…comforting.” 

“I give you tough love and that’s what you need to hear, huh?” Hayoon laughs and bumps her shoulder with yours. “I might be straightforward, but I care about you and your career. That’s why I wanted to talk to you, actually. As we’ve talked about before, if your goal is to take over the clinic by the time you’ve got some real experience in a hospital after you graduate, I want you to run this clinic and come back to Ganghwa.”

“Yes,” you say immediately. “That’s still my dream.” 

“I thought you’d say that. This clinic is built on investing funds to keep us up and running. We do business with people who care about us and don’t accept any handouts. That’s the level of care I expect from you when you eventually take over. In order for you to understand where I’m coming from, I’d like you to be involved in the initial process.” 

Your stomach sinks. Being involved with the “investor” means facing Sunghoon. Hayoon doesn’t know you know this, though. She looks so eager to jumpstart your career. Meanwhile, you don’t know how to feel. “What do you mean?” 

“I only do business with people who have the community’s best interest in mind. People can donate money and gloat to publicity, but I want to make sure the people we work with care about humanity. I usually have investors come to the clinic and see what our town is all about before we come to an agreement. I want the investor to shadow you for the morning and for you to show him what Ganghwa has to offer.” 

“Who is the investor?” 

You know the answer, but you hope Hayoon will tell you somebody with a completely different name is the person she’s been speaking with. Maybe this is one big nightmare and your conversation with Jake never happened. Hayoon’s phone chimes and she pulls it out. Looking at the text message, she grins and steps away from the table, urging you to follow her back towards the front of the clinic. The palms of your hands are sweating and your feet grow heavier with every step you take. Is it normal for your heart to feel like it’s making an indent in your chest? The medical student in you says no, but the irrational part of your brain remembers what it felt like to live day-to-day as the wife to a man who couldn’t truly love you like you wanted. 

Your worst nightmare becomes your reality when you see Sunghoon standing beside the double doors. He locks his eyes with you and the feeling of your stomach dropping nearly makes you trip over yourself. It takes a few seconds for you to truly understand what Hayoon is asking of you, and the more Sunghoon looks at you, the more you want to turn around and lock yourself in the staff lounge. The urge to run away from your fears isn’t something you’ve encountered in a long time and it’s as if your efforts to move past your traumas were all for nothing. Seeing him for the first time in three years brings out that immature, juvenile side of you that wants to shut everybody out until it’s safe to emerge back into the world. 

It’s unfair how well put together he looks. Sunghoon isn’t wearing his standard three piece suit or office attire like he did when you were married to him. He wears a dark black bomber jacket, a pair of nice slacks, durable sneakers, and a shirt underneath that looks like it came from the dry cleaners. He looks polished even when he isn’t trying to. You’re wearing jeans you haven’t washed in ages and a shirt that’s been worn so many times that the design is starting to fade. You’ve got eyebags and dry skin littering your face and your hair is far too greasy than you’d like it to be. It feel so fucking unfair that the first time you’re seeing Sunghoon after all these years has to be under this particular circumstance. At the very least, you wish you could’ve looked better to show him what he was always missing out on. Now, you feel like a laughing stock. 

“Meet Park Sunghoon,” Hayoon says as she brings you out of your own head. “He’s the potential investor.” 

The silence that follows is almost deafening. He’s much taller than you remember. Sunghoon looks so different, but somehow he looks exactly the same. He’s still got those moles on his face and it upsets you to think about how you once loved them so much. 

“Good morning.” Sunghoon doesn’t break eye contact when he speaks.

Your throat closes up and you have to force yourself to talk. “Hello.” 

Hayoon looks between the two of you but doesn’t say anything. Her smile doesn’t falter and you honestly can’t tell if she knows how awkward this is for you. If she notices, she chooses not to address it. 

Sunghoon breaks the silence again. “It’s nice to see you.”

You don’t know why you’re inherently caught off guard. That simple statement feels like he’s disregarding the entirety of your friendship and marriage to him, but you quickly reel it back in when you remember the circumstance. 

“Sorry to spring this up on you quickly,” Hayoon apologizes to you. “There was a last minute conflict and today was the only day he could come this week. But you should be able to handle overseeing him for the morning, right?” 

“Of course. It’s…fine.” It’s not fine.

“Let’s talk more in the lounge. I don’t anticipate that people will be coming so early and the receptionist can page me if we need to attend to someone.” 

Wordlessly, you follow Hayoon and turn your heel to avoid looking at Sunghoon. Maybe pretending he isn’t walking behind you will alleviate the anxiety and stress you find yourself under. Instead, Sunghoon’s presence lingers right over you when you both step into the lounge. 

“Thanks for coming on such short notice,” Hayoon says to Sunghoon, who bows his head, much to her pleasure. You hold yourself from rolling your eyes. “Make yourself at home for the time you’re here. There are snacks in the fridge and a water fountain around the corner. Feel free to leave your bag and keys in these cupboards.” 

You want to say something, but you don’t. Those pantry snacks were collectively purchased by Jake and yourself, and you don’t want Sunghoon’s hands touching them. But this is a business opportunity for Hayoon, so you don’t. You put your indifference aside and try to focus on learning from her instead of causing a scene and costing not only Hayoon an investment, but costing you a potential shot at taking over when she retires. 

“I know we spoke over email, but I wanted to say it again so you know what to expect. My girl here is the best doctor-in-training I have ever met,” says Hayoon, who beams at you like a proud mother would for her daughter. “She’s been working with me for almost three years and I think you’ll learn a lot about this clinic and the community around it if you learn from her.” 

“She spoke very highly of you.”

Nostalgia and familiar warmth embed in Sunghoon’s deep, honey-like voice. His deep timbre makes you think about your past with him, and it’s as if hearing his voice in person after three years started to undo all of the grieving you’ve accomplished since you left him behind. But when you look at him, that same boy who used to steal your colored pencils in grade school just to get your attention is not the person looking back at you. Hearing him talk doesn’t bring you the comfort it once did and seeing him brings you back to these nostalgic memories that make you sick to your stomach. Sunghoon reminds you just how much you loved and all you have since lost.

“Obviously, Sunghoon isn’t going to participate in our day-to-day functions. But I want him to sit in on consultations and watch you work. You’ll have to ask patients for their permission, of course, but I can’t imagine anyone here would say no. How does that sound?”

“To be clear, are you asking him to follow me around for the morning?” 

“Precisely,” she says with a firm nod. “There’s no better way for him to understand what we do here if he doesn’t see it first hand.” Well, this is the last thing you’d rather be doing. You want to keep your head down and work until you clock out. You had hoped today would be smooth sailing, but it seems like there’s no chance of that happening. “It’ll be less busy in the morning before lunch. We’ll reconvene before your break and talk about next steps, okay? For now, get Sunghoon acquainted with proper attire and have him wash up like we usually do.”

Hayoon doesn’t give you another second to think, nor does she give you any time to protest. It’s not like you would anyway, especially when your future might depend on how well you treat Sunghoon for the next few hours. You tune out Hayoon chatting with him about understanding the culture at this clinic and in this town, and focus on grabbing extra scrubs in his size to pretend like you’re busier than you actually are. She leaves a few minutes later and the tension in the back lounge grows tenfold.

“You look good.” 

You barely manage to look at Sunghoon. Instead, you thrust the scrubs in his hands and back away like you’ve been burned. “Put those on and change your pants. There’s a bathroom across the hall. Leave your shirt underneath. Cover your shoes with the shoe covers by the door. Let me know if you have any questions.” 

“It’s good to see you.” 

“Rotations start in ten minutes. Hurry and don’t be late.” Sunghoon calls out your name when you look away from him. 

Sparing a glance at him makes you feel like bile is piling up against your throat. Everything feels too loud in this quiet room and the blood rushes against your ears because of the deafening silence. Sunghoon just looks at you like he’s expecting you to say something. 

“Why are you here?” 

“I’m here to shadow you for today.”

“No. Why are you here? In Ganghwa? Why are you in my home?” 

He doesn’t look away but you think you see his shoulder drop. You haven’t been the center of his attention in nearly a decade and being in his direct line of sight makes your knees feel brittle and unstable. You’ve nearly forgotten what it’s like to look into his dark, warm eyes that were typically accompanied with a smile. That same look has since long been gone for as long as you remember and these nostalgic feelings make you feel sick. 

“I’m here on behalf of my company. I’d like to invest in this clinic and help you keep it afloat.” You scoff. Sunghoon seems to be taken aback by your coldness, just barely flinching when you look at him with disgust. 

“Your company?”

A beat of silence passes. “I’m the interim president until my father steps down in the new year.” 

The pace at which you tilt your head nearly makes your neck snap. You can barely manage a scoff. “You got what you wanted. I don’t know why you need to involve us. Leave this clinic alone. Leave me alone.” He swallows thickly. You don’t give him enough time to formulate a response because you’re already out the door, leaving him alone to change into more appropriate work attire. 

Being in that room with him was more than overwhelming. It was an attack on every sense you possess and nothing could’ve ever prepared you for coming face-to-face with somebody you’ve tried so hard to get over. It’s comical that you finally arrived at a place where Sunghoon was the last person on your mind only to be put in a situation where he’s the person you have to care for. Again. 

“This is bullshit,” you whisper to yourself underneath your breath. You wait by the door and hear Sunghoon shuffling from the other side. You close your eyes and let the back of your head hit the wall and squeeze them while they’re shut as if to wake yourself from a bad dream. 

You don’t wake up., Sunghoon opens the door and walks out, effectively bringing you back to reality. He has that look you know better than anyone else because you’d conditioned yourself to look out for the shy boy you knew in grade school; Sunghoon forces his introversion down and walks with his shoulders pushed back and his chin parallel to the ground like he knows what he’s doing. He walks with an air of confidence that always made you believe he held command and the attention of any room he walked into. 

But now? He looks out of place. Sunghoon is far too polished to be in a town like this and it reminds you of how you were when you first moved to Ganghwa. He looks like he doesn’t know a single thing about the town or the community, and his introversion makes him look like he’s here on business because he has to be, not because he wants to be. The rational part of you knows it’s always awkward seeing old faces, but the part of you that holds resentment for Sunghoon wants to take your anger out on him for having the audacity to not only step foot in your new home, but stake some ownership in the clinic you’ve worked so hard for. 

There’s persistent tension in this damn building. There’s an issue that needs to be addressed but you neither have the time nor patience to deal with it. You’re sitting in devastation and torment, asking yourself what kind of audacity Sunghoon possesses to walk into your place of work like he’d do everyone a favor by signing a check. To influential people like him, it’s just another tax write off and an excuse to make himself feel like a good person by doing the bare minimum. 

You hate how nonchalant he can be. You hate that it’s hard to read him now that you’ve spent three years apart. There used to be a time when you could take his emotional temperature solely by looking at him. Now you might as well be looking at a stone wall. And you’re hating yourself for thinking back to the past. 

“Ready,” Sunghoon says with a single nod. He keeps his hands to himself and looks at you expectantly. It takes a great deal to push yourself from the wall and start your day. 

“You could’ve warned me that you were coming,” you tell him. Sunghoon trails behind you and keeps a respectable distance. 

“I didn’t know you worked here.”  Your eyes roll towards the back of your head but keep looking forward. 

“You’re Park Sunghoon. Type A and as diligent as fucking ever. Don’t feed me that bullshit.” Sunghoon doesn’t say anything right away. Can he tell you aren’t the docile, naive girl he used to know? The version of you who was in love with him wouldn’t have dared to speak with such venom. 

Instead, he speaks quietly. “I just want to help.” 

“My ass,” you mutter under your breath, not caring if he hears or not. If he does, he doesn’t say anything.

It’s bright and early, and the sun shines through the big, glass windows along the front end of the clinic. It’s ironic how beautiful it is because you feel like the human embodiment of a silent storm encapsulated by rain and thunder. You wish it would start raining and snowing at the same time. Sunghoon hated it when it snowed. 

You take a deep breath and stop walking before abruptly turning around. Sunghoon nearly stumbles on his shoe laces because he’s caught off guard and stops himself from toppling over you. “You’re my assistant for today, so you’ll do what I tell you or else I’ll send you back to Hayoon. The patients you’ll meet today are real, hard-working people who get by through honest work and labor. These aren’t rich people who can afford top medicine like the people you associate yourself with. Do not treat yourself like you’re hot shit because nobody here will care about how much money you have in your bank account. Do I make myself clear?”

“Crystal.” 

“Do not question me and my choices. Do not touch anything. Do not argue with me when I tell you to do something. You are not allowed to leave my side unless I specifically give you permission. You will be sensitive and understanding towards the people you meet today.”

“Of course.”

“And do not, under any circumstance, tell anybody that we are divorced.” 

Sunghoon’s lips open slightly ajar as if he’s about to speak, but he just stares at you. He’s never looked at you with such perplexity before he visibly gulps. It makes your stomach turn for all the wrong reasons when you maintain eye contact to tell him you mean serious business. To his credit, Sunghoon looks genuinely afraid of what the consequences are if he were to break one of your rules, and that almost makes you smile. You turn on your heel and head out to start your work. 

He trails behind you like a lost puppy. You hate feeling his presence behind you. In your worst scenario, you always imagined Sunghoon rejecting your love confession and choosing to never see you again by his own will. You’d argue that having him in proximity after you’ve moved on is much, much worse.

“Good morning, Riki.” The tall blonde looks up from where he sits by the wall, patiently waiting to be examined. He looks at you and offers a smile before looking next to you to see Sunghoon, who looks much like a fish out of water and unsure of if he should say something or keep quiet. He chooses the latter. 

“Morning, Doc,” Riki says as he stands up. 

“Not a doctor.”

“Yet.” 

You both laugh. “Sunoo isn’t working today, if that’s why you’re here.” 

“Pfft, what?” Riki says, rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m not here for him.”

“Then why are you here?” 

He holds his arm up, showing his wrist that has been wrapped with gauze. “Sunoo wrapped me up yesterday. Though I’d show him how it’s almost healed.” You laugh because this is way too cute. 

“Go to Exam Room 3 and take a seat for me.” Riki walks towards the open and empty room and sits on the protective paper covering the seat. He looks like a walking giant compared to before his ridiculous growth spurt.

“Who’s that?” Riki asks when you step in the room after him.

“This is Sunghoon,” you introduce, stepping aside and allowing Sunghoon to come into the room too. “He’s a potential investor for the clinic and he’ll be shadowing me this morning. Would you mind if he stayed during your exam?” 

Riki shakes his head. “Nah, it’s cool.”

“Nice to meet you,” says Sunghoon, who bows his head awkwardly and steps closer to the two of you when you start to unravel the gauze around Riki’s wrist. 

“Are you from Seoul?” Riki asks. “I think I’ve seen you somewhere.” 

“I work with Park Financial Group, actually. Interim president.” The younger boy nods like he’s impressed. 

“Shit, the’s cool as fuck.” You quickly rip the protective aid last minute, which causes Riki to hiss and put his attention on his arm. “Ouch.” 

“Did you dye your hair?” you ask him with a saccharine sweet smile, ignoring the way he’s rubbing around his minor wound. You push your head a little closer to see his blonde hair just a bit lighter than it was the last time you saw him.”

“Yup. Got it dyed yesterday. Why, you like it?” 

“It looks so bleached.”

“It’s hair dye, Doc. My hair’s jet black, so of course it’s gonna look a little bleached." 

“You should dye your hair dark brown next. Give yourself a break from the bright colors or else all your hair’s gonna fall out.” 

Riki whines. “Aren’t you supposed to be my doctor and all sympathetic, and shit? Here I am, visiting this precious clinic again, and I’m being bullied by a healthcare professional who’s supposed to make me feel better.” 

“You wouldn’t be coming here so often if you stopped getting yourself hurt.” 

“It’s not on purpose.” 

“You wouldn’t be coming so often if Sunoo wasn’t working here.”

Riki shuts his mouth at that. It makes you laugh, the kind of laughter reserved for only the most ridiculous of conversations, and you temporarily forget that Sunghoon is in the room. You probably should’ve acted differently and stopped yourself from pulling the gauze from Riki’s wrist so hastily, but you couldn’t stand listening to him praise Sunghoon. You don’t glance at him. For how much you despise being around him, your performance is for Hayoon, and the money she could get from Sunghoon’s company could be life changing in the long run. 

“...Is Sunoo working today?” 

“You missed him by a day,” you tell him. Riki sulks and you watch the way his shoulders visibly drop. Sunghoon looks and you can tell he’s got a few questions circling in his mind. “I think it’s cute that you like him so much, but you don’t need to hurt yourself to make up an excuse to see him.” 

He stutters while he denies what you say. “You’re crazy, Doc. I’m prone to accidents and I’m super clumsy.” Riki looks at Sunghoon helplessly. “Wouldn’t you do crazy things for people you love?” 

“You love this Sunoo guy, huh?” 

“L-Love?! Aish. I guess I like Sunoo. He’s quirky. Kind of annoying, too.” 

You pat the cut with some cleaner.  “I’ll tell him you said that.” 

“Not annoying, annoying. He’s just…hard to get. He keeps me on my toes. I like that about him.” 

Sunghoon uncrosses his arm and leans on the desk behind him. “How’d you meet this Sunoo guy anyway?” 

A barely detectable smile appears on Riki’s face. “My brother, Heeseung, works at the game store a block away during the summer when he’s home from college. I visit him and keep him company when business is slow or whenever I’m not working. Sunoo used to come in a couple of times a week because the store sold manga and magazines, too. We started making small talk when we’d see each other and I found out that he works at the clinic.”

“So you purposely injure yourself as an excuse to visit Sunoo at work?” 

“No,” Riki says, even though the three of you know he’s clearly lying. “I’m accident prone.” 

“Sure, whatever you say,” Sunghoon responds with a knowing smile of his own. You wish you could knock it off of him.

“Does everyone believe this? What about Jake?” Riki asks. 

You laugh and put a band aid over the wound. “Oh yeah. Jake knows and he thinks it’s hilarious. Sunoo does too and he won’t admit that he thinks you’re cute, but he definitely does.” 

Riki whines and pushes his face into your arm. “Don’t get my hopes up. I’m fragile, Doc. Handle with care, or however the saying goes.”

“Why don’t you leave the medical talk to me, hm? Your wound is fine. Replace the bandage throughout the day if you plan on being out in the sun for a long period of time and disinfect it before you do. You should be fine by tomorrow morning. Don’t injure yourself anymore, okay? Just ask Sunoo out.” 

“You make it sound so simple.” 

“I work with him three days a week, Riki. I think I know how he feels just a little better than you do.” Riki rolls his eyes as he dives in for a hug, circling his arms around your waist. 

“I hate when you’re right,” he mutters against your side. “You remind me too much of Heeseung.” 

“Well, someone has to pick up his slack. You’re a wild child when he goes back to Seoul.”

Riki speaks with no real bite in his words. “I always wanted a sister, but now I’m starting to rethink that.” He stands from the medical table and opts to bow to you and Sunghoon, no doubt trying to make a good impression to the clinic’s potential investor. It’s a bit awkward, as you’ve told Riki to skip formalities with you, but you appreciate the gesture nonetheless. 

“Keep it simple and don’t overthink it,” you advise Riki as you walk him back towards the front of the building. “Sunoo cares about you more than you think. Take him out for a picnic and watch the ducks at the pond near the draw bridge. He’d love that.”

“And you’re sure?”

“I’m never wrong, aren’t I?” 

Riki laughs. “No, you really aren’t. Thanks for the advice and for patching me up.” He looks at Sunghoon and bows his head again before heading out. “It was nice meeting you. This clinic’s really something, you know. I hope you’re able to help them out.” 

You and Sunghoon watch him disappear from the parking lot when he speaks for the first time since leaving the exam room. “Riki seems to trust you a lot.” 

“He’s like a brother to me. He always gets into stupid accidents, but he’s a good kid.”

“He reminds me of Jungwon.” Your head snaps to Sunghoon. 

“Don’t say his name.” 

“I’m sorry.” To his credit, Sunghoon looks apologetic.  

You realize there’s no point in pretending like the two of you are strangers when all he does is remind you of the past. There’s no use bringing personal feelings into work today because you’re going to be stuck with him for a few more hours. After all, you’re the one who’s making a first impression on him. You represent the clinic and all of its glory. Even though you’d rather be anywhere but next to Sunghoon, you don’t want to jeopardize a business opportunity for Hayoon. She means so much to you and you couldn’t live with yourself if you screwed things up for her. 

You pull him by the wrist into an empty exam room without a word. “Look, I’m sorry for snapping at you.” Sunghoon seems surprised by your sudden apology. “I don’t know why you’re here or why I’m being assigned to show you around, so let’s start over and make peace for the morning, okay? We don’t need to make small talk about the past. Let’s focus on our work since that’s what you’re here for.” 

“I really do want to help this clinic out,” he says. “I wanted to write a check but Hayoon was the one who insisted I experience it for myself. I swear I didn’t ask Hayoon to assign you to work with me.” 

Quite frankly, you have too many questions you’d like to ask, but none of them seem like they’d be worth your time. “It’s fine. Let’s keep our heads down and work together. I love this clinic more than anything in the world and I don’t want you to think otherwise because of our history.”

Sunghoon shakes his head. “I would never. Please believe me. I’m trying to initiate a new sector to my company and help communities around us as a way to give back. That’s why I’m here today.” You don’t know if you believe him, but anybody could’ve given up the second a potential client refused a check right off the bat. Sunghoon seems truthful enough. Even if he’s not, you don’t have the time to think about it. 

Jake arrives at ten o’clock to cover a partial shift for somebody who called out sick but you don’t notice him like you usually would because you’re too busy trying to ignore Sunghoon. It’s hard to push down your feelings when they’ve resurfaced. It irritates you to see people fawning over Sunghoon like he’s some sort of deity, but you bite your tongue to avoid changing his mind about helping out the clinic. His charisma puts you right back to where you were three years ago and you start to ask yourself what you ever saw in him. Sunghoon’s charm and perfect smile make you want to rip your hair out. They don’t make you want to act like a school girl anymore. 

“Good morning!” Jake shouts to you when he’s finished assessing a patient. “Hayoon called me last minute. I’ll be here until closing.” He sees Sunghoon standing next to you and the twinge in his eye makes you think she hadn’t told him he’d be coming in today. He reluctantly bows. “I’m Jake.” 

“Sunghoon.” He reciprocates Jake’s bow, unaware that the latter knows about your marriage to him and how it ended. “It’s nice to meet you.”

Jake glances at you as you offer up an explanation. “He’s shadowing me this morning on Hayoon’s orders. He’ll be here until my lunch break.”

“Welcome to Ganghwa,” Jake says with a tight smile. Sunghoon beams at him and doesn’t catch the slight disdain on his face. Nowadays, he has a much better poker face than you. 

“Thank you, Jake. I haven’t spent much time here, but your town is very beautiful. I’m looking forward to getting acquainted with Ganghwa as I spend more time here.” Sunghoon’s rehearsed speech nearly makes you gag. 

The rest of the morning runs without a hitch. Sunghoon, true to his word, refrains from bringing up any mention of your past. You’re grateful that he keeps your life under wraps. Some of the townspeople likely know who you are and who your parents are, even though most choose to avoid tabloids and gossip blogs, but they’ve never brought it up so you don’t feel the need to either. And you hate that you feel grateful towards Sunghoon. It makes you feel indebted, and you don’t like owing people things, least of all your ex-husband. 

Hayoon comes back when it’s time to see Sunghoon off. It’s all a blur. She and Sunghoon talk in the back room while you’re finishing your rounds before you’re due for a lunch break. You move on autopilot, plastering a smile on your face and updating patient charts to fill the time and avoid running into Sunghoon on his way out. You aren’t so lucky, as Hayoon and Sunghoon walk towards you as she accompanies him to the exit. 

“Thank you again for visiting. Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?” 

“I’ve got a couple of things I’ve been told to check out while I’m in Ganghwa.”

“It’s best to see where your money’s going before you give it all away, eh?” Hayoon asks rhetorically in the same way she’d talk to you when you’re too hot headed. “Feel free to come back to the clinic. And do spend more time in this gorgeous town.” She points to you. “Maybe she can show you around.” 

Sunghoon just smiles at her. “I’ll be sure to stick around.” He looks at you one more time and leaves soon after.

“How was it?” Hayoon asks when Sunghoon is out of earshot. “He didn’t get in the way, did he?”

“No,” you answer truthfully, even though it pains you to admit it. “Sunghoon was fine and polite. I’m pretty sure our patients were very charmed by him.”

“With a face like that, who wouldn’t be.” 

“I’ll be taking my lunch now, if that’s okay.” 

“Sure thing, honey. Let’s talk about this in depth tomorrow. I’ve got a speaking opportunity at Seoul General in a few hours that I need to prepare for.”

“Break a leg.” 

“Well, let’s not hope for that.”

You laugh. “It’s a saying. It means ‘good luck.’”

“Ah,” Hayoon says thoughtfully. “In that case, I will break my leg.” You think she’s about to leave, but she turns around at the last minute and gives you a look that you can’t quite decipher. “Things might be difficult now, but you’re a tough kid. I’m proud of the work you do and I’m looking forward to handing my keys to you.” 

“Now you’re just kissing my ass.” 

She laughs. “That too. We’ll talk more about this tomorrow. But I want you to show Sunghoon around Ganghwa. Wine and dine him. Part of this business is, well, business. Unfortunately, running this clinic doesn’t always look like taking care of patients. It’s meetings, meetings, and more meetings.”

You agree reluctantly. “It’s all for the best.” She nods.

“That’s right. I know this place is your dream and I’m trying to build you up for success. I won’t tell you how to run the clinic when it’s time, but I’m still here to teach you a thing or two.” 

Hayoon says goodbye to you and the rest of the staff before she leaves. You tell the doctor in charge that you’ll be away for an hour before clocking out and relaxing on the bean bag chair in the corner of the back room. Jake walks in a few minutes later when he’s sent on his first break and you brace yourself for impact.

“That was Sunghoon.” You hum and nod. “As in, your ex-husband, Sunghoon.” 

“I’m aware.” 

Jake puts his hand on his hips. “I never thought I’d come close enough to punch his stupidly perfect face. You think I could take him in a fight and win?”

“Not a chance,” you say absentmindedly, pulling out a few grapes from your bag. “Have you seen his biceps? He’d crush you. I like you too much to see you hurt.” 

“I’m strong. I go to the gym four days a week. Don’t underestimate me.” He curls his arm to show off biceps covered by his scrubs. It pulls a laugh out of you and Jake smiles triumphantly. “How long is he gonna stay here anyway? Is he coming back to the clinic?”

“Why? Eager to start a fist fight in the parking lot?”

“You say the word and I’ll fight him.” 

“Don’t risk your career for me, Sim.” You roll your eyes and Jake brings a chair next to your bean bag. “To answer your question, I don’t know. Hayoon wants me to show him around. She says it takes more than being good at medicine to run a business like this. There’s politics involved and I get the feeling she wants me to butter him up.”

“That makes no sense, though. Sunghoon already wants to write her a check.” 

“I guess she figures he could be a test run for me to see what it’ll be like when I’m the one running the clinic. I don’t really know. I haven’t had the chance to properly talk to Hayoon yet, but you know how she is. She’s scatter-brained and all over the place, but everything always works out in the end.” 

“She reminds me of my mom,” Jake says with a fond smile. “I’ve learned to do as they say and question everything later. They’re always two steps ahead of everybody else, even if it doesn’t seem like it at first. Hayoon’s pretty unconventional like that, but I trust her. I wouldn’t be working here if I didn’t.” 

“I like that she gives us experience while we’re studying. Some of my classmates don’t know half the shit I’ve learned on the job.” 

He agrees. “Yeah. I can’t complain too much, even when your jerk of an ex-husband looks at me like we could be friends. No way in hell.” 

You pat him on the arm. “I appreciate your loyalty, Sim.” 

“I know where my loyalties lie and I’m only playing nice just because he could give us life-changing money.” 

“Hey, I’m not complaining. I’m trying to do the same thing, but it’s so hard when he’s breathing down my neck.”

Jake looks at you sympathetically. “I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. How was your morning before I came?”

“Awful.” You put your head in your knees and Jake’s palm comes to rub your back gently. His warmth provides a bit of comfort and you feel yourself start to relax. “I didn’t even know Sunghoon was coming today. Hayoon sprung this on me when I got here and I’ve been trying not to have a panic attack for the last four hours. He reminds me of everything I’ve run from.” 

“It’s hard to outrun the past.” 

“Fucking tell me about it. He waltzes in here like he’s some hotshot who has a lot of money to throw around. He charms our patients, people I see and treat on the daily, and acts like they’re people he cares about. Sunghoon doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was some ulterior motive.

“I just…I can’t go back to the person I was before we met, Jake. I was sad and depressed. I woke up every morning wanting to die because everybody expected me to support him without a second thought. My life revolved around him and I was supposed to be an obedient wife, but I fucked it all up and moved here to get away from all of that. Everyone gives a shit when it’s too late. I’m happy in Ganghwa and I don’t want my life to change. I’m scared that Sunghoon coming back to my life will put me back in that awful mental state.” 

Jake looks at you sympathetically. “You know, back when we first met, I always thought you were hiding more than what you were telling me. I never wanted to force you to talk about yourself since we didn’t know each other very well. You told me some things about running away from the past and made it seem like people were out to get you. I understand it now and I’m so sorry that I couldn’t do anything back then.” 

You pull your head from your knees. “You don’t have to apologize for anything.” Jake offers a warm smile.

“I know. But Sunghoon probably won’t apologize for what he did to you, so I hope you can accept mine.” 

“Ugh. You’re a great friend and I’m not good at feelings.” 

Jake laughs. “I know. You’re very cute when you’re trying to show gratitude.” This makes you frown, but he continues to smile. “I can’t imagine what you must be going through. But take it one day at a time, yeah? You know I’ll always be there for you and I know you care about me too. I don’t want to see my best friend upset by herself.” 

“Are you ready to see me on your doorstep at two in the morning?” 

He rolls his eyes. “You act like you’ve never done that before.”

“Okay, fair. But I like to ask for consent so I can use my words against you.” 

“There’s my girl.” Jake pats your back once more. “I need to go back to work. I’ll see you out there.”

Nightfall comes quickly. You push Sunghoon to the back of your mind to the best of your ability and the rest of your shift goes by without any hiccup. You’re mentally planning out the rest of your week between classes and work when you see Jake resting against the threshold of the door frame so that he can drive you home since it’s already dark outside. Jake doesn’t say anything when you finally sling your bag over your shoulder and walk out with him. He walks beside you like he always does and the both of you say goodbye to the attending resident before heading out to the parking lot. Your body feels like it’s supporting the weight of the world, but you know that thinking over the events of today will have to wait until after you study when you get home. Today’s the only day out of the week you worked a full shift, and because you spent yesterday at a bar with Jake instead of studying, today’s workload will be a heavy one. 

The last person you want to see before you leave is Sunghoon. 

“What are you doing here?” 

Sunghoon leans on his sleek black Supra, the same one he drove when you were married to him. He uncrosses his arms when he sees you and Jake approach him, not knowing that Jake’s car is parked just a little further down the lot. You watch him step away from his car and take a step towards you and feel yourself pull yourself back until Jake’s chest is right behind you. 

“I want to talk to you–”

“Why?” Sunghoon flinches when he hears our clipped tone. “Why do you want to talk to me?”

“I want to apologize–”

“For what?” You feel your face starting to heat up. You take a step with each word spoken and tighten your grip around your shoulder bag, “For showing up here unannounced? For having the audacity to act like you know me when you don’t? Is that why you’re sorry?” He says your name but it falls on deaf ears. “Don’t say my fucking name.”

“I want to apologize for everything,” Sunghoon says like a kicked puppy with its tail tucked between its legs.

“You have some nerve to come here and act like I won’t throw your bullshit back in your face. You’re not sorry. You just hate that I don’t give a shit about you anymore.” 

“That’s not true. Please, if you just–”

“You’re asking more of me?” 

Sunghoon hears the venom in your voice and stops walking towards you, especially when he sees Jake grab your arm to pull you closer towards him. Sunghoon merely stands there looking somewhere in between defeated and determined, and you aren’t sure what he’s going to do next. All you know is that you’re angry beyond compare and there’s nothing you want to do more than to rip out Sunghoon’s tongue and feed it back to him. 

“No, I could never ask more of you.” 

“Fuck off, Sunghoon. Out of all places, why’d you choose the one place that belongs to me?” He stops himself from calling your name and looks at the ground before looking back up at you. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Sorry doesn’t do shit now, does it? You waited three years to come find me when I’ve finally moved on, and for what? So you can feel like a good person? To get rid of whatever guilt you’re feeling? Are you saying ‘sorry’ so you can feel better about yourself?”

“No, I–”

“I devoted myself to you. I worshipped the ground you walked on and you threw me away like I was nothing.” Your body shakes. Jake feels your tremors when you walk up to Sunghoon until you’re mere inches away from him. You’re loud and out of breath. The pent up frustration and sadness come bursting out all at once. All of your hurt and the memories of your past play through your mind simultaneously like a sick and twisted film reel that reminds you of all the times Sunghoon made you feel worthless. It’s enough to make you scream at the top of your lungs and he stares at you with regret and longing that you no longer care for.

“Fuck you and fuck Chloe. Fuck your company. Fuck your family. You never gave two shits about whether I lived or died because you knew I’d be there for you even when you didn’t deserve me. You never showed up for me when it mattered the most. You just cared about getting your dick wet and making sure everybody thought you were the perfect husband when you weren’t. I might as well have married a fucking statue. I don’t owe you shit and I will never forgive you for what you put me through.”

“Please,” Sunghoon croaks with tears welling in his eyes. “Please believe me.” 

“I hate you.” 

The gentle breeze does nothing to cool you down. Jake gently tugs you away from Sunghoon, who can’t seem to take his eyes off of you. Knowing he’s looking at you makes your skin burn and bile feels like it’s climbing up your throat. Anxiety pounds away at your chest like a repetitive drum beat that refuses to stop and the world around you is too loud for you to think straight. Relying on Jake has become second nature and the familiar feeling of his hands guiding you away from danger puts you right back to where you were when you left Sunghoon behind. 

“Let’s go home,” Jake murmurs from behind you. You don’t spare Sunghoon a glance and get into Jake’s passenger seat. 

He lets you cry on the way home.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

FEBRUARY 2019

“Happy birthday, Yang Jangwon!” 

The banquet hall is much too formal for your younger brother's liking, but he knows there’s nothing that can be done when his mother is set on accomplishing something. Elaborate celebrations are her way of indirectly showcasing her wealth disguised as love for her children to her peers. She masquerades as a loving, doting mother who acts because she loves you deeply, but you and Jungwon both know she does it to boast about her opulence. Whether other people within her social group see this or not is practically unknown to the both of you. They’re just like her, too, always bragging about fiscal success or culture gossip before it hits the main headlines. Most women in this small society pretend to be friendly when in actuality, they’re all birds of prey waiting to unleash their sharp talons on the next person to slip up. 

The crowd cheers by clapping and tapping their utensils against champagne flutes when he finishes his speech. He smiles and maintains a perfect composure as he takes a single sip, hoisting the glass in the air and bowing before he walks off the makeshift stage. Judging by the look on his face, he’d much rather be drinking soju and cold, shitty beer with people he actually likes instead of playing the role of a perfect son for people he doesn’t care about. Your mother has a knack for keeping up appearances and she wholly disapproves of his friendship with “lesser-known status individuals” he met during his time in university. Jungwon prefers them over the peers he only sees during the holidays and other important events because they too are following in the footsteps of their overcompensating, snobby parents. Because the two of you always had this in common, it’s become the reason why the both of you get along so well. 

“I could’ve been doing a keg stand by now,” Jungwon laments as he walks to the table you’re learning against. He drinks the rest of the champagne in one gulp. 

“You’ll be doing that next week when our parents are in France.”

Jungwon smiles and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “I’m a college student. I deserve to have a normal life too, you know? Mom makes it so hard for me to be happy when she throws these things.”

“Tell me about it,” you reply with an exasperated sigh like you’ve just recalled what your own birthday felt like the year before. “I don’t think a single person in here really cares about celebrating your birthday.”

Jungwon swats your shoulder and feigns a broken heart. “Ouch. And here I thought you were the only person who’d support me. My dear, loving, older sister, who vowed to love and cherish me until the very end.”

“I never said I’d do any of that, dimwit. And who are you calling old?!”

Your younger brother laughs and gives you a hug. “I’m really happy that you’re here. I remember when we were small enough to fit underneath the tables and stuff our faces with hors d'oeuvres. The parties always seemed to go by so far.” 

“Me too, Wonnie.” You let your head rest against his shoulder. He’s so tall now, unlike the young boy who used to climb into your bed when a loud thunderbolt races through the sky. Now, Jungwon can rest his head on top of yours with ease. You realize how much time has passed and how much things have changed. “I don’t think anybody in this room even knew today was your birthday. Everyone’s just a kiss ass.” 

“I can’t look these people in the eye without wanting to gag. Everyone is probably drunk off of their asses anyway. I wish I could do the same.”

“Mom and dad are always the first to leave whenever they host. Maybe the open bar will supply you with two shots at a time.”

Jungwon groans when he imagines all the free alcohol. “Please. I’ll need to be drunk as fuck to talk to these people without laughing in their faces. Where’s Sunghoon, by the way? And don’t tell me he’s with her.” 

Where your husband might be is unbeknownst to you. Jungwon’s birthday and this party has been on his personal and work calendars since your mother told you about it ahead of time. The two of you have discussed arriving together to avoid having people asking questions, but Sunghoon never came home after he said he’d been out searching for a last minute present since he had forgotten to procure one ahead of time. After waiting for thirty minutes and being met with his voicemail along with your unanswered texts, your driver picked you up without your husband in sight. 

Back when Sunghoon had first asked you to marry him, the shimmering hope that you’d always held in the back of your mind made his words and intentions flow in one ear and out the other. Sunghoon was always truthful from the start and never once made you believe that this transaction was anything but a marriage for show. Somehow, your mind thought about the possibility of convincing Sunghoon he was right to ask you if you worked hard enough to be a perfect wife for him. Surely your best friend would wake up and realize the woman he’d been dreaming of was already standing next to him. 

You’d been fooling yourself by believing life could go back to normal after minimal contact. Your university years were nearly behind you when Sunghoon came back into your life and brought you into his fold like it was nothing. The version of you from the last two years believes you were an easy choice because the two of you were familiar and would eventually grow into your marriage vows. You’d stuck by him through thick and thin throughout the entirety of your friendship. It felt like a no-brainer to help Sunghoon when he asked. That’s what friends are for, right?

Except, Sunghoon lived up to his word. You knew this relationship was purely to save face for his parents and to fulfill their requirement of having a family before they’d consider training him to take over his father’s role as president of the company. Even if the result wasn’t what you’d hoped for, there was a part of you who believed that close proximity and spending time with one another would restore the friendship you had with him all those years ago. 

Instead, your marriage to him was nonexistent beyond the scope of the press. You two were more like roommates who operated on different schedules rather than a unit who worked together to keep the house afloat. He’d made it clear that this was just for formality’s sake and to avoid people wondering why neither of you lived together. Sunghoon made a point to off-handedly tell you that this marriage was for show and that you could see other people if you really wanted to as long as nobody found out. His insinuation chipped away at your heart and you’d swore you’d be devoted to Sunghoon until the very end, even if he made it clear that didn’t ask you to marry him out of love. The idea of Sunghoon finding somebody else when he’s married to you hadn’t crossed your mind because you never would have thought to look at anyone else but him.

Chloe Jung is somebody the two of you have known from childhood. She’s known Sunghoon longer than you’ve known him, as her parents have been friends since their university days. She’d split her time between Korea and America for a few months out of the year because of her parents’ work and travel schedules until eventually moving to America permanently when she was in high school. While you wouldn’t classify the two of you as friends, you’d argue that you two were friendly enough to hold a conversation if Sunghoon wasn’t there, but neither of you would reach out to the other if he wasn’t involved. She didn’t talk much to either of you when she moved and the only time the two of you would see glimpses of her life was through social media. 

As far as you knew, Chloe was still in America and living there permanently, but you found out that wasn’t the truth when you walked into your shared home to see his face between her legs in the guest bedroom. You don’t think either of them knew you’d stopped by the house. Your exit was swift and prompt, and you had shoved your tears down and promised yourself to wait until you were home and in your corner of the house to cry. He wasn’t cheating, not technically as the marriage agreement clearly stated that this was for legal and optics only, and yet the pain that tore your chest apart felt like it was never ending. So when Jungwon asks you where your husband is, your best assumption is with Chloe.

“I have no idea,” you tell Jungwon truthfully. Your eyes feel sunken in and you’d shed a few tears if you weren’t in public, do you drop your shoulders and give him a shrug as if to act nonchalant.

“Mind if I interrupt?” 

Park Jongseong, one of Jungwon’s friends, makes the two of you turn around at the sound of his voice. Your younger brother is beyond pleased to see him and skips the formal handshake for a familiar hug, to which he reciprocates. 

“Jay! I’m so glad you could make it. Sorry for inviting you at the last minute. I didn’t know you were back in Korea until your dad mentioned something to my mom the other week.”

“It’s not a problem at all. I transferred to the Seoul office this last week, actually. There was an opening at the firm and I managed to sweet talk my way into the gig.” 

“No shit,” Jungwon says with a big grin. “Glad to have you back! Man, these things are so fucking boring without you.”

“Let’s catch up for a drink sometime.” Jungwon smiles in kind and hears a group of people calling his name to open presents. He reluctantly excuses himself from the two of you to join them, apologizing before he disappears into the crowd.

Jay turns to you. He’s closer to Sunghoon than he is to you and out of everybody your husband has introduced you to, Jay is the one you’re not as close with. He’s been overseas for the duration of your marriage and has only visited a handful of times. Even then, your interactions have been short and polite. You don’t know that much about him, other than the basics and how Jungwon came to know him through your husband before he asked you to marry him. The two of you drifted on opposite ends of the social circle and have never been left alone until now. 

“Hey,” Jay says politely. “Long time no see. I think the last time was at your father’s birthday last summer. Sorry I couldn’t make it to Sunghoon’s.”

You wave him off. “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you have more important things to do than come to these things.”

“I do,” Jay says with a laugh. “They’re always stuffy, aren’t they? Everyone’s a fraud nowadays.” Hearing him say that makes you feel better. You let out an airy laugh and grab two champagne flutes from the waiter passing by and hand one to Jay after thanking the staff. 

“You know my mom, right? She has a thing for throwing these big parties to show herself off. She and her assistant work night and day to make sure everything is perfect but it’s never about the celebration and always about how much effort she puts into them. I don’t think she’s capable of humble bragging even if she tried.”

Jay laughs and brings the flute up to his lips. “My mom’s the same. She lives in America though, so I have a lot of excuses to stay in Asia.” 

“You’re so lucky. Jungwon begged our mom not to throw an elaborate party but she did it anyway.” The two of you are fast to finish your drinks and opt to go to the bar and order something different. He orders a glass of bourbon and you order a glass of chilled white wine. The alcohol tastes like a breath of fresh air on your tongue, especially as it makes you feel like you can be happy throughout the misery you find yourself enduring. 

“You’re back in Korea, huh? I don’t think I remember when you moved away.”

“Before you and Sunghoon were married, I think. But I was there at the wedding. It was very nice. Super elegant.” 

You unexpectedly laugh out loud and cover your mouth when you realize what you've done. “Apolpogies. Yeah, the wedding was super nice. Both parents pitched it. Very…extravagent.” 

“Is extravagant not good?” 

“Not my style.” You sip on your wine again and force a smile on your face. 

“What would you have wanted instead?" 

Maybe it was the alcohol talking or because you’d known Jay to be a generally easygoing, well-mannered guy, but your flood gates open before you can stop anything from coming out. “Something small and quaint with loved ones who care about me. I’d probably invite my biology teacher from middle school and a neighbor we used to have before she moved to Japan. I’d hire a DJ instead of a band and the catering would’ve been different. I’d wear a different dress, probably.”

“That sounds more like a party than a wedding.”

You look at him with a raised eyebrow. “And what about it, Jongseong?” 

He smiles and shakes his head. “Sounds more fun than a stuffy wedding nobody wants to be at.” You smile back at him and let yourself be at ease. “I understand how you feel. Kind of. Can’t say moving to Korea was just for a work opportunity, but I’d rather not tell you when these people can hear. Would you want to find a bar and drink our sorrows away, maybe? I’ll pay.”

“I don’t know. I can’t just leave my brother to fend for himself.” But when you look around, Jungwon is nowhere to be found. You check your phone and see him text you about leaving undetected and that he’s sorry he couldn’t say a proper goodbye, but that he’d still come over for dinner the following week. “Well, Jungwon just ditched his own party, so I think we’re safe to ditch it too.”

The dive bar Jay introduces you to is nothing like the high-class cocktail bars you’re used to. The air smells like expired beer and cheap alcohol. There are two pool tables by the edge of the room and the bar table is sticky like it hasn’t been wiped down in a few hours. Behind it, the wall is lined with a bunch of empty beer bottles of various colors and sizes. Jay rests his elbows against the table and flags down the bartender, who seems to be familiar with him, and he tells you that this is the kind of place that holds a million stories far better than the ones you’ll ever hear at cocktail bars that cater to the rich and elite. You’re a bit envious that he was able to find such a place on his own. He’s kind enough to put your drink on his tab and keeps it open for now. 

The two of you find a shallow booth to settle into. It’s one of those U-shaped areas that lets you sit next to somebody without everybody sitting so close to each other. The leather seats have been worn in and it smells like a mixture of vodka and stale air. The dust permeates around you and you’re sure that if you squint, you’d be able to see its particles floating in the air in front of you. You’ve never been to a place like this. Not really. You’ve stepped into bars and restaurants that weren’t as high end as the ones your parents take you to, but they lack personality, unlike the dive bar Jay takes you to. The bartender didn’t seem to care that Park Jongseong had opened a tab, nor did he care that you were with him. If this were any other cocktail bar, a rumor or two would’ve been spread by now. An eyebrow would have been raised, at the very least. 

“This is one of my favorite places in all of Korea,” Jay says to break the silence. “Found it by accident during undergrad. Nobody gave a fuck about me here so I kept coming back.” 

The two of you begin to drink in peace. It’s not as awkward as you thought it would be. Jay has a knack for overtaking the conversation when others fall short and he doesn’t seem to mind being the soundtrack, as long as someone’s listening. 

“Might need to find a hideaway like this.”

“You can always come here without me, you know.” 

“Careful, Jay. I might make this bar my place of solace now.” 

Jay laughs earnestly and you watch his shoulders rise and fall with each huff of his chest. “I always did wish we were closer back when we were younger.”

“Why’s that?” 

“Jungwon talked about how much you hated high society. The two of you were always on the same wavelength when it came to this stuff. I was the only person he talked about this with. Except for you, of course.” His confession lingers and he looks down at his drink. “I don’t mean it in a weird way. It seemed like everybody our age was caught up in the media and outperforming everyone else. Me? Never cared for it. I don’t have any siblings so there wasn’t a need to compete for my parents’ attention. I watched everyone make fools of themselves. But never you.” 

“Wow, I never knew you felt that way. I can’t lie, though. It’s always nice knowing someone else hates this bullshit just as much as I do.” 

Jay chuckles. “We’ve all got our grievances. I just think the three of us are the only ones willing to look past the surface level.”

“We were always orbiting around each other, weren’t we?” You ask him as you reminisce about the past. “I remember being introduced to you when we were still in grade school. You were the total opposite of Sunghoon and I couldn’t fathom how you two got along. Jungwon said it’s because we’re both talkative and Sunghoon likes it when people can talk to him easily.” 

Nodding, Jay laughs again. “He used to say the same thing about you. Said you were always talking his ear off but that he didn’t mind it too much because you seemed passionate enough to tell him.” Your smile falters and you hope Jay doesn’t notice.

“I wonder why our parents never forced us to become friends like the rest of our peers.”

“They probably knew pairing us up would result in the end of their lifestyle. We’d probably talk everyone’s ear off about how disgustingly wealthy everybody is, ourselves included.” 

You take a sip of your wine and let the alcohol warm your face. “I’d probably throw jabs at people if I knew I had you to back me up. Jungwon and I could only say so much.” 

“Fuck, I’d grab a microphone and tell everyone to go fuck themselves and then throw that mic on the floor to be dramatic. I probably would’ve been kicked out of my parents’ will but it would’ve been worth it.” 

It’s easy to feel relaxed around Jay. It’s been a long time since you’ve confided in someone about how you’re feeling and what goes through your mind more often than not. Those who call themselves your friend are merely people met through circumstance. You hardly think any of them know when your birthday is. 

“All these expectations are weighing down on me,” you say as you start to loosen up. You don’t remember how much you had to drink at Jungwon’s birthday party. All you know is that the wine in your glass isn’t helping you sober up and that your words keep tumbling out of your mouth whether you want them to or not. Something about Jay is trustworthy enough, and you might be drunk, but you know that Jay is somebody your little brother admires a lot, so you don’t see the harm in talking to him. “I think about what my life would’ve been like if I had just stuck to my original path. I went to university for business and biology, you know. I wanted to become a doctor. But my parents want me to take over the company when my father officially retires. I could only minor in biology if I made my primary focus in business and accounting. I always got good grades and never strayed from my path. But I fucked it all up just before I graduated. Isn’t that something?” 

“I get what you mean, I think. Expectations from people who don’t really give a shit about us are bullshit, aren’t they? They want to look good in the eyes of society. I don’t believe for a second that people care about us. I can’t blame them either. We’re a bunch of stuck up, rich fucks who only care about our status.” 

“Why’d you suggest coming to the bar?” You ask him before you can really think about it. “Shit, sorry. Don’t mean to overstop. You don’t have to say anything.” 

“It’s cool,” Jay says and brushes your words off as if to convince you that there’s nothing you need to apologize for, “I’ve, uh, had some things weighing on my mind recently. I was gonna come to this bar anyway.” 

“You can talk to me about it.” You take Jay’s hand in yours and squeeze it but you don’t let your fingers linger for too long. 

“What do I have to lose, right?” Jay asks himself more than he asks you. “What were we talking about before? Ah. Expectations. I’ve been all over the place for the last few months. I don’t think I can believe my life has come down to making a choice to save the reputation of someone I care about or ruining her happiness just to preserve mine.”

“What do you mean?”

“Sooha. You remember her, right? She grew up in the same neighborhood as you but went to a different private school.”

“Of course. She always has those plushies clipped to her backpack way before it was considered cool.” 

“Yeah, that’s her. Sooha’s a friend of mine. Wouldn’t say we’re super close, but she’s someone I care about. She was real about shit, too. Hated aristocracy and this social class bullshit. As we know, Sooha moved to the States for high school and university but moved back to Korea because of someone she met in college, who ended up moving here for work once they both graduated. Her parents have been pressuring her to marry into a family to submit her status because she’s been gone for so long. Her family’s been hinting at this marriage if she wants to have access to the family trust and continue benefiting from them.”

“They’re going to cut her off if she doesn’t get married?” 

Jay wipes his face. “Apparently so. Anyway, her parents have been talking to mine for the better half of this year. They wanted me to move back to Korea and marry Sooha.” 

“What about the person she met in college? Are they still in Seoul?” 

The smile on his face is a sad one. “Sooha has a girlfriend. Suzi. She’s from Tokyo and her father has a relatively successful cargo shipping business in Japan. You can imagine why Sooha’s parents can never find out she would consider marrying anyone other than me.” 

“Shit, Jay.” Your jaw might as well be hanging off of its hinges with the way you’re unable to keep your mouth closed. “You agreed to marry Sooha to cover for her, didn’t you? I’m so sorry.”

Jay shrugs like there’s nothing he can do to change what’s happening. “It’s not like I have any other choice. My parents had started asking questions about settling down. But I’m young, I want to travel the world and do much more than get married to someone I’m not in love with.” His admission causes the smallest fracture in your heart. It’s barely noticeable, but you feel the significant weight that has been left on your chest. “I can’t stand to see Sooha so upset, though. This way, at least, she’ll be able to see Suzi without too much pressure. We’re engaged but it’s more like a cover up until we can figure something out.” 

“You’re either the dumbest person I know or you have a heart of pure gold, Park Jongseong.” 

“Maybe a little bit of both?”

You laugh at that. “Maybe. Does anyone else know about this?”

“Just Suzi. Everyone who needs to know has some role in this.”

“And me.” 

Jay smiles. “And you.” 

“It’s crazy that you’re willing to change your life for Sooha, though. Even crazier that her parents aren’t letting her be single now that she’s back home.” 

“I think part of her wish was to stay back in America, but I know how much she loves her girlfriend. It’s disgustingly cute like a Hallmark romance movie. Almost makes you wanna gag but you just can’t.”

“Sooha is incredibly lucky to have you.” 

“I try to see it that way. I feel like a narcissistic asshole when I do, but protecting someone from our shitty way of life means something to me.”

“How does this arrangement work? Like, do you guys live together?” 

“Her parents own a penthouse up by the InterContinental. Extremely spacious and enough to keep up appearances. She technically lives with me, but she spends more time at her girlfriend’s apartment than at ours. We only act like we’re engaged if we need to be seen together, otherwise we live pretty separate lives and don’t see each other all that much.”

“The fact that you’re willing to do all of this and sacrifice your own happiness is amazing, Jay. You’re so noble-like. You’re genuinely the most selfless person I have ever met.” Jay blushes under the dim lighting and tries to downplay his selflessness. 

“I wish I could believe anyone would do it.” 

“You know they wouldn’t.” 

Jay chuckles and finishes the rest of his drink as you finish the rest of yours. “I’m just trying to figure out how I want to live the rest of my life. It’s kind of hard to settle into this new role as the groom-to-be when all I think about is running away.”

“Don’t think I’ve ever heard of a runaway groom,” you say to Jay to tease him. The jukebox in the back of the bar temporarily malfunctions as patrons are putting more coins in the machine. The laughter of drunk strangers makes you feel just a bit more settled and, for once, you feel like a normal girl catching up with an old friend. 

“Trust me, it’s tempting. But enough about me. How’s Sunghoon? I haven’t heard from him lately. Seems like there’s no time for any of us to catch up.” 

You smile at Jay, but it doesn’t reach your eyes. “Sunghoon’s great. He just finished a big project under his father’s name and onboarded a very powerful client from Busan. I think he’s just stressed out.” 

“Is that why he didn’t come to Jungwon’s party?” You try not to let that question irritate you because it’s not Jay’s fault that he’s curious. Sunghoon’s absence is a loud testament to his loyalty to you and it’s nonexistent, that much you know. Having to smile and save face by telling the guests he was caught up in his work rolled off your tongue like it always does. But you don’t know how many more excuses you have left in you.

“Sunghoon’s been working nonstop lately so he’s resting,” you lie. It startles you just how willingly you say it. The embarrassment of having other people know this marriage isn’t real and just for show isn’t what brings you to your knees because you’re sure more couples were paired together this way. But unlike the rest of your peers, you’re in love with somebody who you legally call a husband, but he does not love you back. 

Jay looks down at the empty glasses. “Let’s take a break in this depressing shit. Take a few shots with me?”

“I hope you know that you’re responsible for getting us home,” you tell him as you stand from your seat and follow him to the bar. 

“I’ve got my driver on speed dial. Don’t you worry about a thing.” 

You learn that Jay’s wild in ways you never expected. He doesn’t hesitate when he drinks three shots of tequila in a row and you do the same, ignoring the feeling of the liquor burning down your throat with no chaser. You try not to think about it too much and find that you’re starting to let loose and really enjoy the company you’re with. Jay’s attentive in ways you’d never guess from him. He’s so considerate and kind for someone who grew up an only child and he understands the world far better than you ever pegged him for. Jay’s always been that kid in the background of birthday parties and everything that requires an audience. You don’t know why you never struck up a conversation with him or why Sunghoon hadn’t made more of an effort to get the two of you to become friends. You both get along just fine and there’s not a lull in conversation. In fact, Jay brings out the talkative person in you, even though it’s someone you’ve tried to bury for a long time. 

It feels so good to talk to him. The floodgates open and they can’t be closed. There is something so honest about Jay that makes you want to open up to him and spill all of your secrets. Jungwon has always described him as trustworthy and dependable, and you trust your little brother more than anyone else in the world. It’s no wonder they’re so close. You can see the way Jay beams at your compliments and how he thrives off of being understood as well. In a society filled with people who will backstab each other if that means getting what they want, Jay’s the kind of guy who will hold his tongue and condemn them behind closed doors. 

Three shots later, your current drink of choice is sitting haphazardly on a stool while the two of you throw darts at the dart board. Your aim is terrible, whether it be from the alcohol or generally terrible hand-eye coordination. Jay, on the other hand, throws darts like a pro. He doesn’t hit the bullseye, but he’s pretty damn close. 

“This is so not fair,” you whine. “You’re not drunk enough.” 

“I’m plenty drunk,” Jay laughs. “I think you’re just bad at aiming.”

“So not fair,” you mutter under your breath again, albeit not as seriously.

“You owe me a story, you know,” Jay says when he throws another dart. It lands just outside bullseye territory. “I just revealed a pretty big secret that I probably shouldn’t have told you “ 

Your cocktail settles in your stomach when you take a sip and throw a dart at the same time. It manages to land in one of the sectors just below the dart Jay had previously thrown, and that seems like a win in your book. “I’ll go secret for secret.” 

“You don’t have to,” Jay says, “I was just joking about wanting you to tell me something.”

“It’s about time I get this off of my chest.” You say it, although you don’t think you can properly think it through. But Jay is trustworthy, right? If not because of Jungwon’s friendship with him, than because he divulged his whole fake marriage to Sooha, which doesn’t even begin to touch the arranged aspect of their union. There’s a whole other layer added to their mess, one that you can unfortunately relate to. 

“You could tell me what you had for breakfast, for all I care.” 

“You don’t care about what I have to say?” 

Jay’s eyes look like they’re in some kind of panic. You can’t hold in your laughter for longer than a second, and you end up bursting into a fit of giggles before inevitably holding yourself up by gripping his shoulder. You’ve gathered that Jay is the kind of guy to wear his heart on his sleeve and take everything at face value because he has no reason to believe otherwise. Despite having grown up in the same society as you, he seems like he’s always managed to listen to his heart instead of his brain. That’s what you like about him the most so far. 

“I’m just kidding, Jay. Don’t look so frightened." 

He scoffs, but hides a real smile. His shoulders relax and he throws another dart even though it’s supposed to be your turn. “You have a skill for giving people heart attacks.” 

“It’s my special talent." You’re drunk enough to disregard safety in every sense of the world. In this dive bar, the outside world doesn’t exist and your mind has made up such a lie that lets your guard down. “Sunghoon and I aren’t actually married.” 

“What?!” 

“Well, we are. Legally. But it’s just for the press and tax benefits. We don’t spend much time together unless we need to make an appearance. That sort of thing.” 

“You’ve been married for two years…” 

You shrug as nonchalantly as you can. “Yeah, it’s been this way ever since he asked me to marry him.”

“I guess it makes sense. The two of you were always super close. I can understand how you both ended up with each other.” You laugh like he’s telling a joke.

“You know the craziest part? I think he’s seeing another girl. I know he’s seeing another girl. Walked in on him eating her out and pretended I didn’t see anything.”

“That’s cheating, isn’t it?”

“Not when our marriage wasn’t real to begin with.” Your cocktail is gone by the time you finish your sentence. “We were best friends for a decade before he stopped talking to me completely. Then he came into my life and I was stupid enough to believe he actually cared about me. We’ve been in the public eye for a little over two years. Engaged for six months. My mom planned our wedding. There are photos online but I don’t look happy in a single one.” 

“You’re pretty good at faking a smile.” 

A genuine grin finds its way to your mouth. “Thank you. I take pride in how well I can compose myself.” 

“It’s a skill I wish I had.”

“Sunghoon’s probably screwing this girl as we speak. Couldn’t get ahold of him before Jungwon’s birthday. Pathetic, right?” 

The words coming out of your mouth feel foreign and unfamiliar against your tongue. For the majority of your life, you had nothing but sweet praises for Sunghoon and were the first person to give him the benefit of the doubt if he has made anyone upset. You were his ride or die and the girl who would stick up for him when nobody else would; you’d protect his introversion from his loud-mouthed family and risked being grounded by your parents for speaking harshly against those who insulted Sunghoon. Speaking ill about him brings out a nasty version of yourself, and you feel the slightest bit guilty for painting him in such a negative light. The alcohol tells you it’s okay to feel the way you do. It makes you feel like you’re justified and validated for being disappointed in him. 

At the beginning of your marriage to Sunghoon, perception was everything. You wore the perfect clothes with the perfect smile. Everything from living accommodations to vacation photos were immaculate, but only a handful of people knew each photograph was staged and rehearsed. You never did get used to the feeling of Sunghoon’s arm gently wrapped around your waist for photo opportunities because the moment the cameras turned away, he’d remove himself from your body like you burned him. 

It almost feels like you’re bad mouthing a friend. The guilt settles on the table and you’re positive you’re the only person who truly understands this type of torment. How could anyone have ever let you agree to this? Why hadn’t anyone tried to talk you out of marrying Sunghoon? You suspect everybody who knew about the nature of your marriage to him thought he’d fall in line and eventually fall in love with you too. It was never a secret as to how infatuated you were with him. Everyone knew you’d take the long way home if that meant walking Sunghoon to his house and spending extra time with him. You’d ditch piano lessons to get ice cream with him every other week. You had almost followed him to his dream university instead of choosing the one you had your heart set on. 

The words stumble right out of you. “It feels really weird saying this about him. I’ve spent my whole life chasing after Sunghoon and when I finally have him, I feel nothing.” 

“If I found out my wife was seeing another guy, I’d be pretty mad too.” 

“It’s not just about that. I always thought Sunghoon would be my forever, you know? He was so charming and effortlessly funny. I always thought he was a little corny in a sweet kind of way. We were glued to each other’s sides back then, but I couldn't tell you what changed. We had always been best friends and it didn’t matter if people had assumptions about us until high school. Sunghoon started pulling away and ditching me for his new friends. We stopped talking once we moved to university and he stopped answering all of my texts. We never really talked it out because he never wanted to.” 

“I never knew that,” Jay says apologetically. “I moved away at that point. I’m sorry, I always thought the two of you were close for all this time. Maybe it’s too out of place for me to say, but I was so happy when I heard the two of you were engaged. I thought it was about time. I guess not.”

You laugh humorlessly. “Everyone says that. Sunghoon hates it. I know because he puts his guard up. I know what his fake smile looks like and I know how he acts when he has to pretend to be somebody he’s not for the sake of keeping his family’s reputation. Our marriage was built on perception, not real love.” 

“And that’s what you want? True love?” Jay watches you groan and put your elbows on the table. You bury your face in your hands and feel how warm your cheeks have gotten. 

“I want to experience the kind of love that makes me feel like I’ve just burst into a million pieces. I want to feel butterflies in my stomach. It’s so stupid.” 

“It’s not stupid,” Jay says from beside you. “It really isn’t. We all deserve to feel happy and it’s unfair that people put pressure on us to act a certain way just to gain approval. Wanting to fall in love isn’t a bad thing.”

“I would never wish this feeling upon my worst enemy. I always feel like my needs are never met while Sunghoon gets more than he asks for. I’m just the trophy wife who looks pretty smiling next to Korea’s next big thing. I’m nothing but a pair of tits.” 

Jay tries not to laugh, but a faint snort escapes him. He manages to pull you from your hands and pushes his last remaining shot to you and watches as it disappears inside your throat. “He sounds like an ass.”

“He is an ass.” 

“I’ll take your word for it. We aren’t as close now. I wish he’d be a decent husband, at least. You seem like a pretty devoted wife.” 

“Pfft. I’m just a pawn. I’m sick and tired of being treated like a toy instead of a person. I had a future too, you know. I threw it all away for him. Sunghoon couldn’t even show up to my brother’s fucking birthday party.” 

Jay winces. “Yeah, there’s no getting out of that one. I wonder how your parents will take it.” 

“I’m not bailing him out this time. He can get his dick wet with this other girl but that doesn’t mean I’m gonna clean up his messes anymore. Sunghoon can’t expect me to be loyal to him if he doesn’t reciprocate.” 

“Atta girl.” 

His words settle. You’re both far too wasted to be out in public and when Jay offers to give you a ride back to your house, you tell him you’d rather go anywhere but your marital home and he takes you to his place instead. It’s much more cozy than you would’ve pictured for him. The house is gargantuan but his interior decorations somehow make his home look warm and approachable with ambient lighting because he “hates the bright overhead lights” but never got them reinstalled, instead choosing to source different lamps from all over the place. His living room looks like a cozy backdrop. It has a large conversation pit with decorative pillows and an acoustic guitar by the edge. 

With your shoes off, you walk towards it. “That’s right. I totally forgot you could play.” 

“It’s been a while, though.” 

“Stop being so humble. You were amazing when we were kids. I’m sure muscle memory comes back when you play.” 

“Why don’t I fix us a drink and we can watch a movie or something.” 

Jay leaves you in the conversation pit. He pushes a button behind one of the pillows and you watch as a projector propels down from the ceiling. It’s at a perfect height for you to watch it like you’re in a movie theater. He laughs at your awe and grabs two shot glasses and brings over two bottles of soju.

“Ladies first,” Jay says as he offers up the first shot. It doesn’t take much convincing for you to swallow the liquid in one go. Jay takes a shot too. “To forgetting Sooha and Sunghoon.”

“He makes me think about all the things I’ve been missing out on, you know? I’ve been holding out for him for so long when I could’ve been doing literally anything else with my life. Maybe I could’ve moved to America and started a life there or developed a crush on some other guy who wouldn’t have treated me the way he did. My god! My life’s a walking mess. It’s a nightmare, Jay. I miss out on good company, good friends…good sex, even.”

“You haven’t had sex since before marrying Sunghoon?” Jay asks in complete confusion.

“I’ve never been one to sleep around,” you reply with a tinge of embarrassment over your face. 

“There’s nothing wrong with you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I just can’t imagine a person going so long without sex.” You laugh at him and Jay takes another shot, wiping the corner of his mouth when a drop of soju falls. 

“I always thought it would be Sunghoon or nothing, you know? I thought he caught feelings for me too, way back when we were kids. I don’t know why I thought that. It wasn’t true, anyway. I ended up losing my virginity to some guy who couldn’t get me wet enough to stick it in the first time. It was awful, Jay. I feel like I’m cursed with a nonexistent sex life because I have to be the perfect wife and nobody knows that me and Sunghoon haven’t been intimate before.”

“I know.” Jay looks at you as he speaks. “And it must be hard being neglected, isn’t it?” 

A sound comes out from the back of your throat. You don’t know what it is or where it came from, but Jay seems to like it. And you hate that you feel the tension rise as the air shifts around the two of you because yes, you’ve been neglected throughout your entire life and you desperately crave for somebody to choose you with intent, not because of obligation. It isn’t just emotional neglect. He’s distant in a way that makes you feel like something is inherently wrong with your body, too. Sunghoon isn’t intimate with you. He doesn’t kiss you and he doesn’t touch you. The only time he’s put his lips on yours was during your wedding ceremony, and that was only for show. 

“Yes,” you say, as you can barely speak coherently. 

“It’s hard keeping secrets. You’re always thinking about everyone else instead of thinking about yourself. You need some attention too, don’t you think?” 

“Please.”   

Jay smiles. You don’t mean for your hand to touch his knee, but when you look down, you’re touching him. He doesn’t pull away from you or tell you to take your hand off of his body, though. In fact, you don’t even know what Jay’s thinking. He’s just looking at you with a lazy smile when your hand inches towards his lap and you can’t seem to stop yourself from putting your hand on him. 

It all happens so quickly. You don’t know who leans in first because your eyes are already closed. The next thing you know, you feel Jay’s soju-flavored lips settle against your own and you’re kissing him with such fervor that neither of you can think about the consequences a shared kiss could bring. He doesn’t pull you onto his lap. He doesn’t touch your body at all, in fact. Jay continues kissing you but sits still like he’s afraid to make a move and startle you, so you confidently find his hands with your own and allow his palms to rest on your hips. 

“That was the best kiss I’ve ever had,” you admit to him quietly with your forehead resting against his. 

“You’re really missing out if you think that was good,” Jay says with his eyes glossy and focused on yours. He pushes forward and captures your lips in another kiss before he pulls away just barely. You can feel his breath on your mouth as he talks. “Is this okay?”

“More than okay.” 

Your brain might as well be anywhere but in your head, but you don’t care. Jay’s resolve crumbles and his hands slide up your back until he’s gripping the back of your neck and pulling your body closer to him. Your mouths never stop moving against each other either. The movie plays quietly in the background but neither of you are paying much attention to the screen. Jay’s mouth is warm and inviting, and his tongue pushing up against yours makes you question why you’ve held yourself back for the sake of Sunghoon. 

His arm presses against your back and makes you arch into him like a cat stretching. You nearly lose your balance and grab onto his shoulders when your knees buckle on the couch and Jay doesn’t hesitate even for a second. His mouth moves down your jaw until he’s nipping at your neck like he’s trying to gauge your temperature, and when you tilt your head back and moan straight into the air, he pushes his teeth harder against your skin. He pushes your back until you’re flush against the couch cushions and you feel him digging into the side of your neck again.

“You sound incredible,” Jay praises from beneath you. He licks the area he’s just bitten in some sort of attempt to soothe your nerves. You can feel yourself shaking in his arms, especially when his warm breaths touch the shell of your ear. This kind of excitement ventures into unknown territory. It’s the kind of electric feeling you always thought you’d have with Sunghoon, but knowing Jay’s just as turned on as you keeps the illusion in tact. His hands touch the side of your leg, dipping his fingers underneath your dress to push it up to your upper thigh. It’s you who pushes his hand up your body and the warm air still allows goosebumps to form on your skin when you feel his fingers run over the lace of your panties. 

In fact, you find your arms encircling Jay’s neck and tug him back up to your lips. He obliges and removes himself from you to drag himself right back to your mouth, and his lips are close to being unforgiving. You can taste his spit and the soju on his tongue. He tastes like pure sin that you should stay away from, but that makes your body light up with excitement. You pull him closer to your body by gliding your leg up his body and Jay moans right into your mouth when he feels your desperation too. 

“This is cheating,” you mutter against him. Your body betrays you when your hips push off of the couch to meet Jay’s clothed lap. 

“No it’s not.” Jay’s hand grips at your naked thigh and he smiles into your shared kiss when you gasp for him. “You might be married and I might be engaged, but we both know it’s not real.”

Although Jay speaks the truth, the back of your head is reserved and unsure. The logical explanation is written in your shared premarital agreement in the event of a divorce and everything was laid out in the open from the very start. Your marriage to Sunghoon was always a means to an end. You’ve grown to despise the situation you find yourself in when everybody around you seems so happy while you aren’t. Sunghoon always gets his share of the bargain, but you’re left in the dust. 

Still, your body and your mind are at a dissonance. You’ve wrapped your legs around Jay’s waist and he cages you in his arms when you feel his hardening dick against your clothed core from where your dress has already ridden up your body from the constant friction between the two of you. Jay’s still fully clothed while you feel like you’re coming undone in ways you’ve never felt before. It’s not that sex is a completely unfamiliar territory for you. Rather, sex has always been transactional in the past. It might be considered that way with Jay, too, but you can sense that he wants you to feel just as good as you’re making him feel. You don’t think anybody has reacted to you like that. Jay is warm against your body and the combined friction ignites warmth that blooms in your chest. You’re growing wetter as the seconds tick by and he’s getting harder with every thrust of your hips. 

“I’m so drunk but I don’t care,” you moan against his mouth, pulling him closer to you. 

“I’ll take care of you,” Jay tells you like it’s something he could’ve told you in passing. His nonchalance turns you on because for the first time, you realize nothing needs to have labels. You can be an adult having fun with someone who wants to do it with you too. 

“Take a shot with me.” 

Jay pulls away from your body reluctantly and falls off of the couch to stand on his knees. He pulls the bottle and shot glasses closer and the two of you tilt your heads back and enjoy this shared moment. Jay pours you another drink and you’re about to ask him why he didn’t pour one for himself when he brings the rim up to your lips.

“Drink up.” 

It’s a simple command, but it sets your body aflame and you find yourself eager to do whatever he asks of you. Jay watches as you part your lips and tilt your head back just enough for the soju to pour into your mouth from the shot glass. He doesn’t force the liquid all at once. Jay maintains eye contact while you feel it hit your tongue and you struggle to swallow without choking on it from the intensity of his stare. It makes your panties incredibly wet and you don’t care that you might be leaking all over his floor. 

“So fuckin’ sexy,” Jay mutters to himself. He drags his eyes to look at your mouth glistening with the sweet alcohol. Jay leans down and steals a kiss from you as he sets the shot glass back down on the table beside you. 

“Jay.” 

“Sit back for me, pretty girl.” 

You do as you’re told and lay on the backrest when Jay stands in front of you. The movie he had put on is long forgotten as you stare at his stiffness concealed by his slacks. Jay’s more impressive than anybody you’ve ever been with and it’s evident in the way his pants have tightened a significant amount. You’re practically gobsmacked at how his dick is protruding in his lap and you’re just so eager to reach out and touch him, but you don’t. Instead, you take your dress off. Jay becomes mesmerized as your lace bra and panties come into his view. He can’t help staring at the way your tits fill each cup, nor the way your legs instinctively part to accommodate him standing between them. Jay breathes through his nostrils like he’s holding himself back to truly admire the view before he touches you. 

He unbuckles his slacks and pushes them down just enough for his boxers to come into view. The tight fit makes him look much bigger than before and a genuine shock of excitement shoots straight up your spine when you look at it. Your mouth waters and your pussy flutters at the same time. You don’t get much time to look at him, though, because he’s getting kneeling until he’s back on his knees, eye level with your covered cunt. There’s no doubt in your mind that he can see the darker, wet center. You don’t feel any ounce of shame. 

When he crawls back up your body, his mouth lands on your chest and he kisses your tits slowly. The way he strategically puts his mouth on you is antagonizing. You gather that Jay likes to be intentional with his movements and he’s more calculated than he is spontaneous. He litters kisses to your chest and collarbone despite your whines and ignores the way your hand has cupped the back of his head and tugged on his roots in an attempt to pull him closer to your mouth. I’m such a brat, you think to yourself. But it’s about time you stepped out of line. Two years of playing the role of a perfect, humble wife has taken more out of you than you previously knew. Maybe you can let go with Jay because there are no expectations here. You think he might feel the same way. 

His hot mouth reaches your jawline again and you’re practically mewling as you pull him closer to your chest by wrapping your arms and legs around his body. You keep him trapped between you like a spider stalking its prey and Jay is caught in the center of your ever-expanding web. He doesn’t seem to mind, though, because his hips rut against yours in a drunken haze to create friction in this position. Your mouths clash and it’s hot and wet, and everything about your bodies colliding feels natural and real. It’s the first time you’ve felt comfortable enough to let go and enjoy the present without worrying about the consequences in the future. 

Jay’s covered dick pressed against your own covered cunt in a way that pushes himself straight against you. It’s a feeling unlike no other and it makes you moan loudly into his mouth. “Pretty noises for a pretty girl. You sounds so fucking sexy right now.” 

“Y-You’re so big,” you stutter, earning a chuckle from him. 

“Yeah baby,” he grunts, thrusting his hips at a steady pace to grind against your panties. “I’m really big. You gonna let me make you feel good? Gonna let me be the first to make you come?” Your bioships buck at that. Jay’s teeth scrape alongside the skin of your jaw when you tilt your head back and moan towards the ceiling. “You like the sound of that, huh?” 

“You’re so good at this,” you tell him breathlessly. He laughs in your ear and lifts his hips before pushing most of his weight down onto you. Jay’s voice travels down your body until you’re practically meeting his dry thrusts with your own hips at a near-frantic pace.

“It’s like I said earlier. I can’t imagine my life without sex. Don’t know how you went years before letting somebody else touch you.” When you look up at him, he doesn’t look as though he’s trying to insinuate that you’ve been deprived by choice. Jay sounds almost pained on your behalf–how can someone go so long without being pleasured like this? And the thought of being involuntarily celibate is embarrassing when he’s staring at your chest with lust in his eyes. You’ve got experience, but Jay has enough passion to make you nervous and excited simultaneously. He pulls himself back and you whine at the loss of his body heat but he brushes his thumb against your clothes clit and watches you get used to the feeling. You’re incredibly wet at this point and there’s no use in trying to hide the way Jay’s making you feel. 

You wonder if Sunghoon talks to Chloe like this when they’re having sex. Is he as sultry as you imagined him to be? Does he whisper filthy, nasty things in her ear when his hands roam all over her body? You can only imagine what he looks like. You’ve spent years picturing Sunghoon hovering over your body the way Jay was, and pushing his lips against yours as he takes all of you without remorse. You’d always imagined him in your bedroom when he made himself unavailable. Maybe he’d sneak into your room and kiss you like he meant it. Would Sunghoon be as attentive as Jay is? 

His fingers dance across your covered pussy and he touches every part of you with his fingertips. Jay looks godly when he stares between your legs like it’s the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen. He moves his index finger over your clit and gulps when he feels how wet you’re becoming just from his hand. You don’t think you can accurately remember the last time anyone has ever spent more than a few minutes toying with you like this. It’s always over before you know it and pretending to be okay with not getting off was something you hated doing. You swore never to feel that way about sex again. Looking at Jay and knowing he wants to devour you whole keeps you interested. 

With his thumbs hooked on the fabric, Jay helps them slide down your thighs until they’re hanging off of his finger. “Do you always wear cute panties?” 

“Cute?” 

Jay chuckles and dangles them in front of your face. “Yeah, baby. So cute. I can’t believe a girl like you doesn’t have sex but wears panties like these. Nasty.” He sees the way you pulse beneath him and you see him lick his lips. He discards them to the side, somewhere on the far end of the conversation pit, probably. 

“You make me seem like such a loser, Jongseong.” 

He shakes his head and reaches behind you to unclasp your bra. Jay’s eerily good at this and you never would’ve thought to imagine the slightly introverted, awkward boy from your childhood is ridiculously good at getting you wet. You don’t even know where he’s tossed it. “You’re not a loser. It’s really hot that you’re letting me fuck you and talk you through it.”

“Why’s that?” 

“I know you won’t fuck just anyone,” Jay says as he bends down to lick one of your nipples. “You love Sunghoon too much to mess around with guys who won’t measure up. They’ll never make you come like I will.” 

“I don’t want to cheat on Sunghoon…”

He licks the other nipple and his mouth quirks when he feels it hardened on his tongue. Jay sits beside you and puts his hand on your naked sex, rubbing his fingers between your folds. “You’re not cheating on him, baby. Even if you were, he cheated first.” 

An indescribable pang hits your ribcage and bounces to the center of your chest. It’s unlike anything you have ever felt before. There’s a picture of shame, hurt, and yearning that overshadows feeling present and in the moment. Your mind flashes to Sunghoon’s aloof personality when he’s around you and how animated he seems to get when you’re nowhere near him. You watch from the sidelines as Sunghoon you know comes out with people who aren’t you. It always makes you feel insecure to know the person you love the most will not pretend to be happy with his childhood friend. Looking at Sunghoon is like waiting for a train that will never come. And you know this to be very true; deep down, you’ve always known Sunghoon would never truly love you the way you love him. This fear got pushed down and your infatuation for him became an overcompensating tactic to avoid being rejected by him. 

But still, you can’t deny how wet being humiliated like that makes you feel. 

“You hear me? Sunghoon doesn’t deserve your pussy,” Jay says, effectively bringing you back into the present. “He cheated, not you. He can keep fucking some girl but he’ll never see you like this.” You’re caught off guard when Jay slides his finger inside of you and you whine when he pushes deeper.

“Still feels like cheating.” 

“You wanna know what I think?” Jay asks rhetorically. “I think you like pretending you’re being unfaithful to Sunghoon. You want to take revenge on him and make him feel pathetic too, don’t you?” 

“Jay…”

“I think you want his heart to break when he finds out we’re fucking. Or do you want to know what he feels when he’s fucking other girls? Are you my little masochist?” It is unbelievable how wet you are. Jay speeds his thrusts and adds another finger when he sees you naturally spreading your legs for him. You’re barely able to talk when he’s plunging himself so deep into you with no remorse. 

Maybe part of you wants Sunghoon to feel threatened by Jay in the same way you feel threatened by Chloe. Thinking about him being utterly despondent brings some kind of glee. You’ve spent your whole life longing for Sunghoon and daydreaming about being his girlfriend. If only you could impose that burden on him and make him understand how the last few years have felt for you, only to top it off with the ultimate betrayal that is far worse than anything you’ve ever felt before. 

Another part of you wants to know why Sunghoon will never see you as a mere acquaintance. There was never an explanation as to why he started to pull away from you or why he stopped talking to you altogether. Sunghoon never made an effort to keep in touch during your university years and seeing him at social gatherings created enough tension to suffocate whatever room you found yourselves in. You don’t know how long he’s been seeing Chloe or why she’s interested in Sunghoon after all this time because as children, she’d be the one encouraging you to tell him about your romantic feelings towards him. Everything is so confusing when you think about it. Sunghoon is the biggest mystery in your life and marriage never fixed any problem the two of you had. How could he turn to another woman when you were right there? Why hadn’t he ever noticed you the way he notices other girls?  You want to know how it feels to betray someone you used to love. You need to understand what Sunghoon felt. 

“You’re such a slut and your husband doesn’t even know it.” Jay pulls his hand from you and steps away from the couch, leaving you naked and confused as you stare up at him. “I’ll be right back.” 

You watch him grab the near-empty soju buttles. He walks towards his kitchen when you see him quickly drink what’s left and throw them into the recycling bin. You aren’t sure where he’s going or why he left you high and dry until you watch him open his liquor cabinet and search for a bottle. Jay spots it pretty quickly and licks his lips as he walks back, his eyes darting between your naked sex and the bottle.

He kneels in front of you and opens it, pouring the liquid into one shot glass. “Did you know I’ve only opened this once? I bought it after I landed an important client. Took one shot then put it back in my cabinet.” He dips his finger inside of the glass and smears it over your clit. “I only said I’d take a shot if it was important. And fuck, with the way you’re looking at me?” 

He doesn’t need to finish his thought. All this time, you’ve been so selfish thinking about yourself and the situation you’re in with Sunghoon. You’ve been so selfish this entire night by drinking your sorrows and pushing them onto Jay when all he’s done is try to lend you a shoulder to cry on and a safe space to open up. In the time you’ve been in his apartment, and in the time his hands have been on your body, not once did you think he might be using you as an escape from his own arranged marriage. He spent the evening throwing darts and getting drunk for you. Jay, a relatively private man with a tight knit inner circle, invited you to his penthouse. He’s putting his hands on you and promises to give you something Sunghoon never will, even if it’s just for tonight. Realizing this makes you feel wanted. Chosen, even. You wonder if Jay feels the same way.

When he pushes your legs further apart and beckons you to slide down on the couch to present more of yourself to him, he pours a small amount of bourbon on your pussy. It isn’t ice cold like the soju from earlier, but it’s cool enough to make your hips jerk at the mere touch. He doesn’t waste any time and bends down to lick it up. Jay moans when his tongue glides over your wetness mixed with the liquor and the vibration makes your body buzz. You don’t know how he’s holding the shot glass steady while his mouth moves all over you. Jay must be some kind of sex god who’s mastered eating pussy if he’s able to be still enough to keep the alcohol from falling. He doesn’t immediately push himself between your folds like you think he will. Instead, Jay keeps a balanced rhythm of licking up your slit like he’s trying to clean every inch of you before pouring more bourbon straight onto your pussy. 

He puts the glass back down on the table somewhere behind him when the liquor’s gone. Jay’s hands grip your thighs when they start to close and force you to keep them somewhat open for him as his tongue plunges deep into you without warning. You grab onto the back of his head and tug at his hair, pushing your lap right into his face with a loud moan. It’s enough for his grip to tighten around you and lift your body before him like he’s a starving man who’s dead set on eating anything placed in front of him. 

“You’re so loud,” Jay comments from between your legs. You’re barely able to hear him because your thighs are suffocating him, but he doesn’t seem to mind. You’re just as shocked as him to hear the kind of sounds you’re capable of making. No amount of forcing yourself to like strangers touching you nor touching yourself could ever get you to sound the way you do when you’re with Jay. 

He releases one hand from you and pries you legs apart once more to slot his hand against your wet sex, gliding his digits against your folds. The tip of his fingers nudge against your clit every time he moves his hands and your hips buck like you’re a mechanical bull trying to throw off your rider. 

“You’re so fucking desperate for it,” Jay says to you in disbelief. “Never knew you could get like this. I always thought you were so independent.” 

You can barely choke out a response. “I could say the same for you.” He grins wickedly and sticks two of his fingers into your hole. 

“I’m just private, baby. There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” 

The more Jay pumps his hand against you, the more you wonder if this is what you’ve been missing out for so long. Swearing to stay celibate because other men could never live up to your standards has been for nothing now that Jay is making you feel things you’ve never felt before. It’s like you’re experiencing a new walk of life for the first time. Good sex is hard to come by. Incredible, mind-blowing sex is rare. You’ve always wondered how anybody could ever love hooking up if it always ended in disaster and being left unsatisfied. Now, you’re starting to think that this is definitely worth the wait. 

Everything is so warm. The sweat on your skin builds with anticipation as Jay licks you while his fingers thrust themselves in and out of your hole. You feel exposed when you realize that he’s still fully clothed while you’re completely naked before him, but you don’t feel shy. Everybody expects you to be put together and docile until being spoken to. You’re a mere toy in everybody’s eyes, the kind that can bend at every beck and will without complaint. But with Jay, you’re somebody who can think for herself for the very first time in a long while. There are no expectations in this room. There’s just pure, raw passion. 

You whine when Jay pulls his hand away from you but watch as it disappears underneath him when Jay shoves his tongue deep inside of you until his nose bumps your clit. You feel so emboldened with him so deep in your pussy that he refuses to get up until he’s nearly running out of oxygen. He moves his tongue inside of you and licks every inch of your walls when you see his lone shoulder move back and forth as he touches himself.

For a moment, you think about the first time you realized Sunghoon and Chloe were having an affair, if you could even call it that. It was early afternoon a mere two months ago when you came home before lunch because you had forgotten to bring a few documents for your afternoon meetings. It was supposed to be quick and seamless. They sat atop your desk in your home office, just past the guest bedroom, but the sound of a man and woman moaning stopped you in your tracks. 

You were able to make out Sunghoon and Chloe because the door was slightly open. It was enough to conceal where you stood, but even if the door had been wide open, you don’t think either of them would’ve noticed you standing at the threshold. Your husband’s face was stuck in between Chloe’s legs with him kneeling before her and her body on the guest bed. She was loud and her back was arching with her hand tightening its grip on Sunghoon’s hair when you heard the violently loud slurps coming from his mouth. His hands gripped her legs for dear life when your eyes locked onto his hips. Sunghoon used the side of the bed to rub his dick against his pants that were haphazardly pushed down just enough to feel the friction of rubbing his boxers against the bed. 

It was loud, messy, and frantic. Chloe reached her climax soon after and Sunghoon was still thrusting his dick against the bed, moaning deeply and right into her core. Your own heart shattered into a million pieces and it seemed like you were the only person who could hear it fall to the ground. Watching them felt like an invasion of privacy, but you wouldn’t look away. Your husband and childhood friend were hooking up underneath your roof. Betrayal hit you like a truck and it didn’t matter that Sunghoon had made it explicitly clear that his marriage to you was nothing short of convenient. It still hurt to realize the person you loved wanted absolutely nothing to do with you even after all you had done for him. 

You don’t know why this thought makes you come. Jay laps your orgasm up like a starved animal while you try to keep your legs open for him. The blinding, hot light is the first time any person has ever made you finish, and you’re too conflicted to focus on anything but finishing in his mouth. Maybe you’re built for shame and humiliation. You hate that you think of Sunghoon when you come. It’s not fair to Jay, whose knees are probably aching from the amount of time he’s spent on the carpet. 

“You taste so goddamn good,” Jay moans as he licks your folds to clean any remnants of your cum. “I like the idea of your cum tasting like bourbon. My favorite.” 

You don’t wait for Jay to sit up by the time you’re learning over to reach for the bottle. He stares at you and smirks when you take a swig of the liquor and wipe the stray droplets with the back of your hand. You finally turn to look at Jay and see how his lips glisten with your arousal and come as he wipes his chin dry while he sits back on the couch with his cock hanging out. His hair is damp and tousled from your grip on it. Even now does Jay look like walking sex. 

All of the alcohol in your system makes your adrenaline rush. He was right, his dick is big. Bigger than guys you’ve hooked up with in university and much bigger than you could’ve ever anticipated. Your cheeks might as well be warm to the touch with how much you’re blushing and Jay barely contains his entertained smirk. 

“Are you gonna just sit there and look?” He brings his hand around his cock, spits on himself, and slowly twists his wrist to spread it around. There’s something incredibly erotic about watching him jerk himself off with his watchband moving along with him. You merely sit back on your knees and look up at him before pulling his pants and boxers down with your hands while he takes his shirt off and throws it somewhere behind him. With both of your hands wrapped around him, he feels extremely warm to the touch and smells faintly of musk and sandalwood. It must be his cologne. It’s intoxicating and the scent has invaded your mind ever since you sat next to him in the dive bar.

Is Sunghoon as big as Jay? You can’t help but picture him in Jay’s place with his legs spread out as his dick stands tall and stiff in your hands. You try not to think about him as your thumb swipes over Jay’s slit, earning a short-lived grunt from the man in front of you. It’s been a while since you’ve felt completely in control like this. You don’t think you can recall a time when your choices were dictated by your own will and not the opinions of others. You’re done pretending like you aren’t hurting when your friends and family expect the world from you and give nothing in return. 

Jay’s tip is mildly salty from his precum and his deep moans give you the courage to continue. You don’t take him in all at once and ease your way down on him, inching your way as slowly as you can handle it. Jay doesn’t seem to mind. From above you, you can hear him breathing through his nose and struggling to keep himself composed by the feeling of your tongue rubbing the underside of his dick and your teeth gently scraping against his veins. He’s just big enough that he’s barely snug in your mouth and your spit gathers around the corners of your lips when you push yourself down on him another inch. 

“You’re so good at this.” He groans and caresses the back side of your head. His touch is a soft juxtaposition from the erotic scene before you. Jay’s palm moves from your hair to your cheek and he moves his thumb over your face as if to soothe you. “Let me feel my tip.” You maneuver his dick until it pokes at the inside of your cheek, allowing Jay’s thumb to gently touch your face and feel himself in your cheek as he rubs his cock head. “Fuck,” he swears under his breath. “You look gorgeous with my dick in your little mouth.” 

The praise gets to you. It climbs into your chest and buries itself into the part of you that desperately craves to be acknowledged for all your hard work. Maybe it’s the liquid that’s given you the courage to feel invincible or maybe it’s something else. You don’t know and you don’t care at this point. Jay moans deeply when you push your head down onto his cock until the tip hits the back of your throat. You gag around him and let spit pool around your mouth and let it drip down as natural lubricant, swallowing around him and making Jay hold onto your hair in a ponytail for dear life. 

“I need to fuck you,” Jay swears from above you. “I swear I don’t usually need to cum this fast.” 

You pull yourself off of him and jerk his dick with your hand, spreading your spit until they drip down to his balls. You maintain eye contact with Jay as you bend your head down to lick it up until there are no more droplets and you swear you see Jay’s eyes roll to the back of his head. But you do as you’re told and stand, grabbing the bourbon and bringing it with you as you straddle his lap. His wet dick rests against your bare pussy when you bring the bottle to Jay’s lips and he looks at you as the liquid pours down his mouth while your eyes are concentrated on his mouth. You replace the bottle with your own lips, tasting the liquor that spills between the two of you and pushing your tongue against his.

When you sink yourself down on him, the room echoes a cacophony of moans from the two of you. The feeling is indescribable. His dick makes you feel full to the brim and the stretch reminds you of the pleasures sex used to bring you, back when you yearned to be touched like this. The glide is easy and smooth from your spit mixed with your arousal and his precum. Jay’s hands roam all over your body as his mouth nips at your chest, no doubt leaving bruises all over your skin. 

Everything goes by in a blur after his point because of your shared intoxication; Jay drills into your pussy from below when your knees start to give out and you come around him when he hits that perfect spot; he pulls your body off of his until your knees are on the couch with your cunt right in his face as he licks you like there’s no tomorrow and touches himself when he hears your wanton moans ringing in his ears, not caring if you’re overly sensitive at this point; Jay comes so deep inside of you with his mouth trailing your spine and neither of you seem to care that your mixed orgasm drips from where you two connect onto the plush of his couch and this shared inhibition makes you feel like this is a scene from an erotic movie, one that you’ve longed to be part of to satisfy your craving of wanting to feel seen and yearned after, and Jay comes for the second time all over your chest when right after you finish on him too. 

He fucks you in the shower under the guise of cleaning yourselves up and you both stumble on the way to his bathroom, which smells so much like his cologne. Your chest presses against the cold tiles and you both let the steam of the hot water run as you kneel in front of Jay to take him in your mouth again before he fucks your mouth after your throat has gotten used to him being lodged right in there. He fingers you to the point where you squirt all over his arm and hear him laugh and praise you for being such a good slut for his eyes only. Jay fucks you in the shower in between washing your hair and body until the two of you decide to dry off and finish fucking in his bed, which feels somewhere between intimate and casual all at once, and you don’t know whether the dizziness in your head is from the alcohol or facing the fact that hooking up with Jay is impulsive. 

When all is said and done, your hair’s wrapped in a towel with your body adorned in clothes he hasn’t worn in a while, and you hold a cigarette between your fingers with Jay on his balcony. It’s cold out here and you can see the twinkling stars from where you stand. Seoul from high above the ground looks more beautiful than it is up close. Sober, you break the silence. 

“Do you think we made a mistake?”

“I don’t think so. Do you think we made a mistake?” You bring the cigarette up to your lips, inhale, and blow the smoke into the air, shaking your head, albeit unsure.

“No, I don’t think we did.”

Jay nods once. “This doesn’t have to be weird.” 

“I didn’t think it would be.” 

“With our circumstances…”

“Best not to tell anyone.”

Jay nods again. “I don’t want you getting hurt. I can handle myself, but I’m not the married one.” You manage a dry laugh. 

“I don’t think Sunghoon would care, if that’s what you’re saying. But you’re right. No one else can know about this.” A brief minute of silence passes. “Is it wrong that I want to keep seeing you?” 

He smokes from his cigarette. “Is it bad that I want that too?”

“I think we’re in agreement with many things tonight.” Jay coughs a few times through his laughter. He wants to tease you for how many times the two of you came, but he refrains. 

“We’re two adults having fun. I don’t think either of us need to think too deeply about it. Whenever you want to quit, you let me know, alright? No hard feelings. You’re my friend too, and I care about you.”

“Same goes for you. I love Jungwon and I wouldn’t want you to stop being his friend because of me.” 

“You have little faith in me,” Jay says, knocking your shoulder with his like he’s trying to let you know he’s joking. “People need something to cope in this fucked up world we live in. We aren’t an exception.” 

Jay tells you it’s far too late for you to call your driver and that he’s not sober enough to take you back to your house. The two of you agree that it’s too awkward to share a bed to sleep, even if the last few hours were spent tangled up in one another. Jay promises to drive you back home the next morning and offers to make you breakfast before you leave. You can’t remember the last time Sunghoon offered to cook for you and the thought makes you spiral and think about all of the things Jay’s willing to do for you as a friend that your husband won’t. 

A little fun has never hurt anybody, right? 

***

I feel so bad putting sunghoon through so much shit but on god there is a reason & he will be the best bf u will ever see… just be patient………

[paarksunghoon]

under the mistletoe (jake)

SUMMARY: Jake Sim is perfect in every way, except for the fact that he hates Christmas. The crush you harbor for your best friend’s roommate intensifies when the rest of your friends ditch you two at the annual holiday carnival and when the big day arrives, you learn that the best present of all has been hiding right under your nose.

WORD COUNT: 7.7K

NOTES: finally a fic that isn’t riddled with angst & betrayal… who’s surprised… I will only do this for blake #yup

for @moonstruck-muses, the love of my life and the only person i will ever tolerate this time of year for. merry christmas 🖤

“You don’t like Christmas?!”

When Jake Sim confesses this cardinal sin, you can’t wrap your head around the fact that he isn’t particularly fond of your favorite holiday. You nearly spill your cocktail but manage to catch yourself at the last minute. Jake merely shrugs like it’s not something that he really needs to consider. He acts like this season is nothing but another month to be forgotten about.

“It isn’t my thing. I’m not big on fanfare.”

“It’s not fanfare. It’s the snow. It’s the lights and decorations people put on their houses. It’s the cheesy holiday movies that are totally unrealistic but everybody gets their happy ending anyway. And I can’t forget about peppermint mocha.”

Jake laughs. “You really like Christmas that much?”

“She starts buying gifts early.” Heeseung chimes in and puts his elbows on the table, glancing at you and then back to Jake. “Last year, she designed t-shirts and bought a press to make them. The year before that, she made us holiday cards from scratch.”

Jake nods. “Wow, I’m impressed.”

“It’s so much more than being with your friends and family to me. Christmas goes way beyond whatever religious impositions people put on it. But for me, it’s another way of spending time with people I care about. How come you don’t like Christmas?”

He pauses for a moment as if to think about his answer, scratching the back of his neck when he looks at Heeseung. You sincerely hope you’re not putting Jake on the spot if he’d rather not talk about it, and you’re about to rescind your question when he begins talking.

“I don’t know if I have a specific reason. This time of year has never been super important to me and everybody I know is out of town by the time December comes around. I’ve never really spent Christmas with anybody since I moved to Korea, you know?”

“I think I understand. Everybody goes home for the holidays but a plane ticket to Brisbane is too expensive.”

“That’s right. It’s not that I hate Christmas. I’m just alone for most of it.”

That makes you frown. “I’m sorry for bringing Christmas up in the first place.”

“It’s okay,” he says with that charming smile that always makes you quiver in the knees. “I’m a big boy. I can handle it.”

“You remember how we met, right?” Heeseung asks. “We were neighbors at the time and I heard him playing video games on Christmas. I was going to ask him to turn it down, but ended up inviting him to my family’s party when he said he didn’t have any plans.”

“I don’t hate Christmas,” Jake repeats. “I really don’t, I just think there’s so much going on in my life that I don’t think about it until it’s here.”

You lean forward and put both of your elbows on the table. “Maybe you need to see it with a fresh pair of eyes.” He smiles.

“Maybe.”

Jake is your ridiculously hot friend that you met two months ago at Heeseung’s housewarming party. Friend might be a little bit of a stretch, though. The only time you see him is when you’re with Heeseung or your other mutual friends and neither of you talk outside of that. The first time you saw him was inside of their kitchen surrounded by your friends and his hair, which had been light brown at the time, might as well have been glistening under the god-awful overhead light. It was almost as if there was a singular spotlight on Jake and your friends were practically nonexistent when you realized just how attractive your best friend’s roommate actually was.

Heeseung broke you out of your spell to grab the dish from your hands (banana bread and tiramisu, because Heeseung loved former and Sunghoon had threatened to un-invite you to the party if you didn’t make him any, which made no sense because he didn’t live with Heeseung, but you love him anyway). It must’ve felt like an eternity for you to come back to your senses because you were thrown off kilter so much that you had neglected to take your jacket off until Heeseung pried it off of your body.

When he introduced you to Jake for the first time, it felt like thunder bursting in your heart until it challenged the strings keeping you together. You’ve never felt anything like it, least of all with one of Heeseung’s friends, but Jake smiled at you like you were a longtime friend and made room for you in their makeshift circle by the alcohol. Sunghoon’s girlfriend had joined the party just after you arrived and Jake had said you seem like the life of the party when you returned to the conversation, which made you feel incredibly shy because on most days, you’d rather be at home watching a movie in your pajamas. But Heeseung is your best friend and you’ll always show up for him.

You don’t remember what was handed to you, but you remember feeling a little bit more relaxed once you were able to focus on anything other than the ridiculously attractive man standing in front of you. Playing it cool was at the top of your list and you were sure that Heeseung and all of your other friends could hear how you stuttered over your words and how you’d lost all ability to talk like a normal person, but everyone ended up getting too drunk to pay attention to anything other than the conversation at hand, and as the party went on, you started to feel a little more comfortable around Jake.

Would it be weird if you followed Jake on Instagram? You had asked yourself that the day after the housewarming party (after stalking his social media and obsessing over pictures from when he was in Australia, no less), but you decided against it, thinking Heeseung would find it weird if you looked up his roommate on social media. But really, you didn’t want to come off as desperate and give Jake the wrong impression. He was cool and very normal compared to Heeseung’s last roommate, and you didn’t want to scare Jake and make him think Heeseung was friends with creepy girls who liked to stare at hot guys.

Maybe you can’t get Jake out of your head because you’ve been chronically single the last three years and hookups don’t seem to work out in your favor for whatever reason. Heeseung has seen his fair share of nights spent crying over hot pot or sleeping next to you on your couch because a date had gone so poorly that he picked you up as soon as you called him.

But unlike these people, Jake is considerate. He’s the kind of person who will bring you trinkets because it reminded him of you, and when you’d fuss and tell him he didn’t need to spend any money on you, he’d smile and tell you to keep it. He’s never late to group hangouts and he’ll never leave anybody walking behind if the group is big enough for nobody to notice someone has fallen behind. Jake will be the first person to offer up his credit card at dinner and wait patiently for people to pay him back. That’s the kind of person Jake is, and he makes it that much easier to fall in love with him.

When the weekend comes around, you find yourself standing in front of the carnival entrance with your friends and Jake. He’s wearing a brown jacket that makes him look stupidly handsome.

“I want hot chocolate,” Sunghoon says from behind you. “Can we stop there first?”

Jay rolls his eyes and nudges his side. “You’re gonna get a stomach ache if you eat and get on the rides.”

“Not if I drink it really slowly.”

“I hope it burns your tongue.”

“I think we should pay for our tickets and then go inside, hm?” you ask rhetorically.

Jake smiles and nods. “I think that’s a great idea.” He stretches his steps until he’d caught up with you, leaving the other two behind. Heeseung’s already reached the gate and waits impatiently for the rest of you to catch up. Soon enough, the five of you enter the fair grounds and choose to wander around the festival instead of guiding yourselves from a map.

“I haven’t been to a Christmas festival in a long time,” Jake says from beside you with his hands in his pockets. “I think the last time I went was a few years before I moved to Korea. It’s also summer in Australia during December, so it doesn’t feel like Christmas.”

“We go every year. They always say I’m the one forcing them to go, but they always end up having a fun time.” You look to your left and see Sunghoon and Jay arguing about whether or not to stop for candied apples and laugh. “Yeah, they’re a bit of a handful, but they always have fun.”

“Are you the resident Christmas expert?”

“I wouldn’t say I’m an expert, but I’m the one who loves this time of year more than them, for sure. I go all out.”

“Oh yeah? How so?”

“I love decorating my apartment with lights and winter decorations. Elf of the Shelf and things like that, you know? My space is a little too small for a big Christmas tree, but I make do with a small one that sits in the corner of my living room. My coworker’s brother runs a Christmas tree farm and gives me discounts, so it’s a win-win situation for me.”

“Wow, that’s really cool. Do you buy decorations often?”

“I have a lot that my parents used to use when I was younger and I took them with me because they know how much I love it. I try to buy a few things every year so I can spice it up, but I don’t throw away old decor, if that’s what you’re asking. I like when things have a bit of history to them. I like buying one ornament and decorating my tree with the ones I’ve collected in the past. Shiny, brand new things aren’t always the best.”

“I get what you mean, I think. This jacket used to be my brother’s but I stole it before I moved. I used to hate getting his hand-me-downs, but his clothes are the ones I treasure the most.”

“Do you miss Brisbane?”

“All the time,” Jake says with a fond smile. “I miss my family and I miss my dog. I miss this late night convenience store a block from my house because the owner used to give me free snacks from time to time. When I told him I was moving overseas, he gave me a minute to grab anything I wanted, free of charge.”

“That’s so sweet.”

“Australia’s cool and all, but it’s nothing like Seoul.” Jake glances at you and looks back in front of him. “I’m starting to like the colder weather and I love the people I’ve met here. I thought about going back once I graduated from university, but I loved the life I built here.”

“I feel the same way. I mean, I didn’t move from another country or anything, but my family doesn’t live close by. They’re close enough to where I can get to them in a day if I really needed to, but far enough where I can be my own person.”

“Exactly. I love Brisbane and it’ll always be my home, but…Seoul is where I’m supposed to be.”

"You're studying to become a physicist, right?” you ask him.

“Can’t decide if I’m making the right choice by devoting my life to being in school for god knows how long,” he says with a laugh that makes you smile. “But yeah, I want to work in research. Not sure which field yet, but I fell in love with physics during college and I can’t see myself doing anything else. And you want to be a writer, don’t you? I think you said that during the housewarming party, but I can’t remember.” The fact that Jake could remember such a small detail about you warms your heart.

“Mhm,” you mumble, trying to get your blushing cheeks to cool down.

“That’s really cool. What kind of things do you write?”

“TV shows, mostly. I loved TV growing up–still do–but I never saw anything that felt like me, you know? There’s nostalgia and guilty pleasures, but I’ve never watched anything that felt uniquely me. I’ve been writing since I was a kid but started taking it seriously when I was in university, and I’ve been trying to make that into my career ever since.”

“That’s really cool. I’ve never met anybody who wanted to do that. You’re so ambitious.” He looks so cute when he tilts his head and smiles at you. God, you need to get a grip.

“Thank you.” Your reply is a bit shy and the sudden praise makes your cheeks warm. “Life is too short to not even try to reach our dreams, you know? I can’t imagine a world where I’m not writing. I don’t even want to think about what the me of a parallel universe is doing.”

“I’m probably surfing somewhere. It’s summer in Australia right now.”

“Might even have a sun burn.”

Jake laughs. “I do need to get better at remembering to put on sunscreen.”

“Hey, we’re thinking of going on The Zipper,” Heeseung says from beside the both of you. “Does that sound cool to you guys?”

“Are you wishing for a death sentence?!” Jake exclaims a bit louder than he’d like.

“It’s not that bad, bro.” Sunghoon wears a shit eating grin and jabs Heeseung in the ribs. Jake gulps loud enough for you to hear but the other three focus their attention onto you.

“It’s my favorite ride. It’s not as bad as you think.”

“…Okay.”

You miss your friends’ short-lived cheers because you’re too busy trying to hide a smile from Jake when he looks down at you. The two of you manage to catch up with them eventually and follow them to the queue for the ride. You see him looking at the structure and part of you is enamored by the way he’s trying to push his fears down because of you. Jake falls a step behind when you turn around to look at him. He watches the zipcarts tumble over themselves in the air and looks temporarily frozen when you call out his name. Jake doesn’t hear you, and you make the executive decision to grab his wrist and pull him forward. He immediately looks at where your hand is and stumbles on himself as you pull him to stand behind your friends before anybody else could get in between. You drop his wrist when he looks back at you and turn away to hide your blush.

“You don’t have to go on it if you don’t want to.” Sunghoon would argue against you if he’d heard, but he’s too busy talking to Jay and Heeseung to notice.

“I don’t want to be the odd one out. It’s about time I conquer this fear.”

“You don’t want Sunghoon calling you a pussy later, huh?”

Jake grins sheepishly. “That too.”

“It’ll be fine no matter what you choose.”

“I guess I’m nervous about being up there. I’m gonna be thrashing around until my body hits another person.”

“It’s probably less scary if we go in separate carts—”

“Hey, they’re only letting up to three people in a cart,” Heeseung interrupts. “Is it cool if you guys get on your own since the three of us can fit into one?”

“Yeah, she and I can ride together,” Jake replies without missing a beat.

“What? Are you sure? We’re gonna bump into each other and that'll hurt more if we go separately.”

“I’ll be safer with you.”

His comment flusters you more than you’d like to admit. Jake doesn’t make a big deal of it and simply walks beside you until you reach the front of the line. You try not to think too deeply into it either because surely he just wants to be comforted and not because he might actually like you. No, that’s probably not what he meant. The attendant snaps both of you into the machine’s buckles and before you know it, you and Jake are floating through the air and crushing into one another.

His screams make you laugh so hard that you feel like you might be running out of breath. Jake laughs too and you both look at each other the entire time. He tries to tell you that looking at you is much better than staring at the ground far below beneath him, but he doesn’t fare much better than you and laughs until he’s trying to hold back several coughs.

By the time everybody’s back on the ground, you feel dizzy in more ways than one. Jake stepped off of the zipper cart faster than a lightning bolt but waited for you to walk off of the platform to let somebody else in line have a turn. The ride itself distorted your sense of reality and Jake looked like he was about to fall over until he held the edge of the railing and waited until you were next to him to fully exit the ride.

“See, not so bad, right?” You ask, laughing so hard that you can barely finish asking your question.

“Worst ride ever,” he replies with a laugh of his own, “but you helped me through it, so it wasn’t all that bad.”

“You’re just a wuss.”

He gasps and gently shoves your arm. “Am not!”

“Are too!”

“You’re an insane person who loves rollercoasters too much.”

“Oh yeah? And what about it?"

You both catch up with the rest of your friends who fare just as badly as the two of you. Sunghoon’s hunched over himself and you think he might actually throw up if he stands up too quickly.

“Sunghoon’s out of commission for a little bit,” Heeseung explains. “We’re gonna take it easy and look at some shops and maybe get food. Do you guys wanna join?”

“Nah.” Jake waves them off with his hand. “You guys go ahead. We’re gonna go on a few more rides.”

“Should we find a spot to meet up for lunch?”

“My stomach is empty,” Sunghoon announces. “I think I need to eat something or else I’ll throw up for real this time.”

Jake shakes his head. “Go ahead without us. We’ll meet up with you later.”

Nobody makes a fuss as Heeseung and Jay lead Sunghoon to an empty table near a handful of food stalls selling sweet and savory foods. But you’re freaking out on the inside because this is the first time you’ve been alone with Jake. It’s just the two of you walking around the carnival without the company of your other friends, who usually act as a buffer when you’ve become too shy around Jake to say anything that won’t make you sound like a complete idiot. The jacket you’re wearing feels far too warm and you’re hyper aware of the fact that Jake was the one who chose to separate the two of you from the rest of the group.

He did that because he knows you like rollercoasters, right? He probably did it to be nice. Sunghoon can be a bit dramatic when his vertigo kicks in and Jake probably wanted an excuse to stay away if he knew Heeseung and Jay would take care of him. It’s not like the two of you have ever expressed interest in wanting to hang out alone. He’s never given you an indication that you were anything more than just a friend he sees in passing or whenever Heeseung invites you over to their apartment. You’ve both become more friendly as the months have passed by, but it hardly breaches the territory of being anything remotely close to being friends. But, my goodness, you’re so nervous and excited that you almost forget how to walk. Jake waits for you after he’s taken a few steps and notices that you’ve lagged behind.

“Hope you don’t mind that I stole you from them,” Jake says in that casual tone of his that makes you feel like you’re going crazy. “I love them and all, but I’ve been around those three way too much in the past week.”

“Oh, um, not at all!”

“Are you sure? You don’t seem sure.”

“Totally sure.” You nod once for emphasis but Jake quirks an eyebrow at you and, somehow, your mouth runs faster than your brain. “We’ve never hung out just the two of us, have we? I don’t know, sometimes I feel like I’m this awkward mess who can’t say anything right. I’ve known those three long enough to know they’ll say things more idiotic than I ever will. But we’ve never spent time, just us two, you know? ”

Jake laughs. He pushes his head back and laughs in the air like someone’s forcing all of his laughter out of his body and you make a fact because you’re not really sure what he’s laughing at. God, you just feel a little stupid, like you’re overthinking everything. Which you probably are, because Jake hasn’t said anything bad. Yet.

“You’re hilarious, you know that?”

“I’d like to think I’m brave and opening up my heart and soul to someone I haven’t known for very long,” you say as a way of defending yourself. It’s all in good fun when you see Jake stand back to his height and smile at you.

“You’re funny.”

“And you’re funny looking.”

“Resulting to middle school insults, are we?”

“I can turn back around and hang out with our friends,” you threaten with the upturn of your mouth. Jake raises his eyebrow again like he’s challenging you to do it and you stop walking to look back at them. “I can walk away right now and leave you to face the rollercoasters alone.” Jake’s smile morphs from something mischievous to something much softer.

“I was laughing because you are funny. You’re not awkward at all. I’ve always thought you were confident and you always know the right things to say when you’re around people.”

“Really?”

“Really. You have this ability to make people open up and talk about themselves without knowing it.” You look up at him like you’re in disbelief and he must be able to tell because he keeps talking. “Do you remember when we first met at the housewarming party? You fit in with everyone in our group so well and included me into your conversation, even if I had no idea what you were talking about. I felt like we’d been friends for years at that point. I’ve never met anybody who explained a bunch of inside jokes to a stranger. Normal people wouldn’t do that.”

“I guess I’m not normal, then.” He shakes his head and continues walking.

“No, you’re not. But normal’s overrated.”

Jake sees another rollercoaster (a single loop ride) before you can formulate a response. He leads you to the back of the line while you feel like a fish out of water. It seems like you can’t think of anything to say back to him, but Jake looks preoccupied with weaving his way through the people around you, so you shut your mouth and follow him.

This line is a bit longer than the one for the previous ride. Part of you is quite nervous to be standing alone with Jake because he’s this incredibly good-looking guy who happens to be someone you’re friends with, and because, well, it’s been a while since you’ve felt this way about someone. First dates and casual hookups are a thing of the past because they’ve always left you feeling dissatisfied and incomplete. Jake checks off all of your boxes in ways that scare you half to death. Maybe you’re projecting your own qualities and standards onto him because he’s the first guy that’s actually managed to make you feel something in the last year or so.

“I can do this rollercoaster,” Jake says from beside you. “I think the other one was too much.”

“I told you it was okay to back out.”

He disagrees. “I conquered one fear today and got to make a new memory with you. Totally worth it.”

Damn Jake and his nonchalance. How he makes sentimental words seem so casual is something beyond what you can comprehend.

“So, Christmas.”

“Christmas.”

“Would it be too deep to ask you why you love it so much?” He asks. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. Heeseung’s talked about it so much in the past few weeks and I guess I’m just a little curious.”

“It’s not really about the holiday itself. It’s way more than that to me. I love that the sky gets darker just a little bit earlier. As much as I love summer, I get really excited when the weather gets colder and when I can see the trees start to lose their leaves. It’s like I’m preparing for hibernation, even though that’s kind of silly and humans don’t hibernate. I feel like I’m physically and emotionally slowing down. Sometimes I think about how nothing really matters. The year is gonna end one way or another and I might as well enjoy it.

“Everything feels so much more beautiful to me. I love the lights and the fact that people put up decorations in their lawns. I love seeing my apartment become more festive with decor and other things that remind me of winter. The food people make during Christmas is fucking delicious, too. Nobody cares about counting calories or anything like that because everything looks way too enticing to give a shit about being ‘perfect,’ you know?”

You barely notice it, but Jake guides you in the line as he’s listening to you speak.

“And don’t even get me started about Christmas movies. They’re awful, Jake. Like borderline dogshit, awful.”

“If they’re so awful, why do you watch them?”

“Becuase they’re so funny. All of them follow some kind of plot–a small town waitress down on her luck meets a crowned prince and doesn’t realize who he is or that same small town waitress finds out she’s the heir to a small European country nobody’s ever heard of–and they’re all the same. Maybe some things are different, but the meat and bones of these movies all have the same meaning. And they all have happy endings. Everybody’s happy and justice is served.”

You laugh as if recalling a distant memory. “My mom and I used to watch them all the time as kids. She’d let me stay up late on the weekends and we’d laugh about how ridiculous everybody was. It was our form of spending time together. She’s a single mom, you know, so time with her was always scarce. I think I loved these movies so much because I got to watch her laugh instead of worrying about bills. She always worked on Christmas, too, so I’d have a marathon by myself with popcorn and peppermint bark. Watching these shitty movies takes me back to when everything felt so simple.”

“I get it, I think. Escapism is really enticing. I think about all the things that make me feel a little better about reality,” says Jake.

“Exactly! You get it. I don’t know, I wasn’t the happiest kid because there was a lot of uncertainty about stuff. It was just my mom and I, and I love her so much, but sometimes it feels like I had to grow up because of our circumstances. It wasn’t her fault, though, and I know that. I was a huge introvert when I was a kid and it was hard for me to make friends because I was so shy and probably a little too grumpy.”

“You don’t seem shy to me. I always thought you were pretty confident and talkative.”

“I guess I got so comfortable overcompensating to push my shyness away that I started getting better at making friends. Heeseung and I met in college. We sat next to each other in our last year of university and I was kind of awkward at first because he wouldn’t stop talking. My God, if he saw me on campus, he’d join me for lunch or walk with me until we needed to go in separate directions. I started talking with him more and the rest is quite literally history.”

“You two never…dated, right?”

You shake your head. “Oh, absolutely not. Heeseung and I are really close, but we’ve never had any interest in each other. He’s like my brother.”

“Oh, good. Good to know.”

“So anyway, movies were my biggest escape to forget about the bad days. We weren’t the richest, but we’d make do. She baked cookies ahead of time and when Christmas evening came, she and I would eat them until our stomachs got too full. And then moving here with virtually no friends made me feel like I was that small child who was always alone, even if I did have some friends here and there. Looking forward to doing all of these festive things felt like I could disassociate without feeling guilty about it. Pulling myself back to reality didn’t hit me as hard because I could always slip back into the fantasy and pretend everything’s alright. Like nothing bad can touch me.”

You come to your senses when you don’t hear much from Jake. He’s been silent beside you for the entire conversation and looking him in the eye makes you want to curl in on yourself. Jake doesn’t say anything right away and you’re silently begging him to. Did you talk too much? Did you overshare? Was he just being polite when he said nothing was off limits?

“You have a profound way of looking at the world.”

You nearly choke.

“People look at us and think we’ve got everything figured out just because we look like we’re doing well for ourselves. But they don’t see what we’ve overcome and how much effort it took us to get here, do they?”

You shake your head. “No, I suppose they don’t.”

“Sometimes I think living in delusion gives us hope. We can imagine what it feels like to have a big family or to live a life without stressing out about the past and try to imagine that for ourselves. I’ve never met anyone who’s thought that way.”

“I’m too scared to depend on people,” you admit. “I think it’s really hard to trust people fully. But I want to and I so badly wish I could be the type of person to trust freely. I think I might be a little too careful with my heart, or something. I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing. Although, I’m sorry about your childhood being rough. I can kind of relate to that. I was born here, actually and my family relocated to Brisbane for my dad’s work and it took me a long time to learn English. Everyone made fun of me for that. I’m pretty sure my classmates were laughing behind my back.”

“I’m sorry, Jake. That’s horrible.”

“Nah, what’s past is past. I can see why Christmas is your favorite holiday now.”

Your other friends text you both in the group chat after the ride. Sunghoon is ready to go on more rollercoasters, but you and Jake decide that it’s time for some food and drinks after he hears your stomach grumbling. You’re more than surprised when Jake tells you he’ll pay for everything, going so far as to snatch your wallet out of his hands so he could hand the cashier his card instead. Jake sees you blushing every single time and never fails to bring it up, making you even more flustered. You give up and he keeps smiling triumphantly.

“Do you want to get something warm and look around the shops?” Jake asks once he’s returned from throwing the dirty plates.

“I could go for something chocolate-y.”

There’s a stall not too far away. Jake orders first and before you’re able to get a word in, he orders a hot peppermint mocha with whipped cream.

“You said you were craving it on the way here,” he explains. Meanwhile, you’re too stunned to answer him.

“I think I’ve made you speechless multiple times today.”

You scoff and look away from him. “You just like being mean to me.”

“Mm, I can’t say that I don’t.” You laugh because this is all so unserious, and because Jake keeps smiling at you like he never wants to look anywhere else.

“I guess opening up to you wasn’t so bad.” A single sip of your peppermint mocha tastes like absolute heaven. “Sorry for dumping a bunch of shit on you.”

“There’s no need to apologize. I’m the one who asked. I like that you don’t see the world in black and white. There’s so much people miss because they’re too narrow-minded. It’s hard for me to find people I actually like because everyone’s either way too shallow or way too contrarian.”

“I wouldn’t say I don’t have any friends, but it’s so hard to find people who aren't pretending to be someone they’re not.”

“I totally get it. Heeseung and everyone else is like a breath of fresh air. My old roommate is one of those social climbing influencer types. Not my speed at all.”

“It’s super rare that I click with people. Heeseung was kind of fast. He was so persistent in the first month and I knew nothing I did could shake him off.”

Jake laughs. “He’s annoying like that, isn’t he?”

“The worst.”

“I’m the same way, too. I’d say I know lots of people but I think I could count my best friends on one hand. I’m not complaining. I just think about how many people I consider an acquaintance.”

“Sometimes it feels hopeless to make new friends when all of them are gonna leave anyway. I don’t remember the last time I felt something click.”

“We’re doing just fine, aren’t we?”

Jake surprises you with that question.

“Yes,” you say in a tone softer than you intended, “we are.”

***

You don’t get to see anybody for the next two weeks because work makes you feel like you’re drowning. Between your full time job and trying to finish everybody’s presents in time, you hardly have the capacity to see your friends. Heeseung and Jake are hosting a Christmas party since most of your group and their significant others are staying in town. And while you pride yourself as somebody who plans and budgets gifts ahead of time, Jake’s present is still unfinished.

A large scarf has been sitting on your couch for two months now. Ever since Jake started complaining about how cold the weather is back in mid-October, you picked up soft yarn in his favorite color and started crocheting him a scarf that you hope looks professional and wearable. You’ve been hunched over the project and turn Netflix on in the background to distract yourself as you crochet.

In the meantime, Jake texts you more often than before. Feeling like you embarrassed yourself by opening up too much was all for nothing because Jake texts you throughout the day and it’s never about anything that’s inherently important. He saw a video on TikTok that reminded him of you? He’d download or screen record the video and send it to you because you refuse to get on that demonic app. He just ate lunch? Jake sends you a picture of the meal beforehand. He stopped by a novelty store to find a present for his cousin who’s visiting town? He texts you a picture of a small hedgehog and Snoopy figurine where they’re both wearing Santa hats and buys it for you.

They’re such small gestures and yet they mean so much.

You haven’t had the time to think about why he’s been reaching out to you more often than not. Work keeps you busy, as does the homemade scarf, but in the back of your mind, you feel as though you’re going crazy when you start to wonder if Jake might feel the same way as you. But that’s crazy, right? How could someone like him be into someone like you? Heeseung always tells you to stop doubting yourself and to be more confident. And you are, to a certain extent, but Jake is the definition of the boy-next-door and you feel like the secondary character who was never meant to be picked.

Even still, Jake makes an effort to call you as you’re winding down for the night and ask you about your day. He tells you that he wants to hear everything with no detail unsaid. You ask him about his day too, and he manages to make a monologue out of everything, even the most minute details. Jake makes you laugh in ways you’ve never laughed before and these phone calls are starting to feel like the two of you have been building a routine. You know that if it were to stop, part of you would feel very empty for a while.

You carry a few bags with presents and Jay helps you put them by the Christmas tree in the corner of the living room. Everybody greets you and you act as secondary host when Heeseung asks for help passing out homemade eggnog. He spikes it with an incredible amount of bourbon and cognac, and even though you pride yourself in holding your liquor, you’re pretty sure you’ll be tipsy by the first drink.

Jake looks so beautiful in dark wash jeans and a t-shirt. It’s hard not to stare at him or the way his hair looks perfectly sat atop of his head. He immediately sought you out once heard your voice from the hallway and hasn’t left your side since you arrived. You can feel his body heat the entire time. Sunghoon and his girlfriend keep making weird faces at you throughout the night and you have half a mind to ask them what their problem is, but Jake always pulls you out of your stupor and back into the conversation.

When everybody is tipsy and barely able to speak without laughing, Jake pulls the entire group together to open the gifts. Heeseung gives an incredibly corny speech about how the meaning of Christmas is love and friendship, and Jay threatens to puke in the bowl of eggnog if he doesn’t stop.

One by one, everybody opens their gifts. There’s a lot of oh’s and ah’s from the collective group because, somehow, everybody has given thoughtful gifts that don’t feel cheap or half assed. Heeseung receives a small scrapbook filled with photos and memories from your friendship with him (he swore he wasn’t crying but you knew better than to believe him). Jay received a custom notebook for him to use for writing songs because he’s been looking for the perfect one. Sunghoon received a month’s worth of new rolls of film. And everyone gets individualized gifts and presents because you love these people more than you love yourself.

When it’s time for Jake to open your present, you’re too anxious to hear the paper ripping. He pulls out your handmade scarf and holds it in front of him to admire the stitching.

“Did you make this?”

“Yes. I crocheted it every day after work for two months, I think?”

“This looks unreal. It’s so beautiful.”

“I didn’t know what to get you at first,” you admit sheepishly. “I know you’re not used to the cold even after all this time, so I wanted to make you something to keep you warm. I’m…also hoping that we'll get to know each other more so I can get you something you’ll really love.”

He puts the scarf in his lap and shakes his head. “This was perfect. I’m so touched that you thought about me. You made this!”

“Fuck, this is so warm,” Sunghoon says, touching the fabric until Jake swats his hand away.

He gives you your gift next and everyone watches you open a small box to reveal a silver charm bracelet with a single Christmas ornament on it. For once, Jake looks like he’s trying not to blush.

“I was trying to think of the perfect gift because I don’t think anything I get you could be enough since you love Christmas, and all. I was with my cousins and thought of you when I saw it. I didn’t know whether I should deck it out in charms but saw the ornament and remembered that you buy a new one every year to add to your collection. I thought you’d like it.”

“Are you kidding?!” you exclaim as Heeseung peers over your shoulder to look at it. “This is perfect, Jake. This is so thoughtful and I’m touched that you remembered.”

The next round of presents comes and goes. Everybody is far too drunk to function, so Jay turns the stereo back on and everybody goes back to talking and stuffing their faces with cookies. It isn’t until Jake asks if he can talk to you in private, and until Heeseung practically forces the two of you into the kitchen that you follow him.

“I haven’t been totally honest with you and it’s been eating me alive,” Jake says as he turns to look at you.

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve been keeping a secret from you for a long time and I think it’s time I come clean. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I kept this up after tonight?”

“Should I be worried?”

He shakes his head. “No, it’s nothing serious, but I don’t like keeping things from you.”

A million thoughts run across your mind. Is he moving away from Korea? Does he have to go back to Australia? Was he lying about liking the scarf you made him?

And, well, nothing quite compares to what he tells you next.

“I love Christmas,” Jake blurts out. “I love the holidays and I’ve never hated Christmas. I lied because I didn’t know how else to talk to you.”

“I….I don’t understand.”

He rubs the back of his neck and looks at the floor before looking back up to you. “When we first met back at the housewarming party, I felt like the room had slowed down or some cheesy shit like that. I was tongue tied. You looked so beautiful that night and I thought I fucked it all up because I never asked for your number and thought it would be weird to ask Heeseung for it. But he found out I thought you were cute and started dropping hints about how much you love Christmas. I didn’t get what he was trying to say until the time he told you I hated it.”

Jake says it all in one breath and you think he might choke.

“So you lied about liking Christmas because you liked me…?”

“When you say it like that, it seems kind of stupid, doesn’t it?” Jake says with a laugh. “I wanted to get to know you but didn’t know how. Heeseung said it was better this way and kept suggesting I let you try to convince me how great of a holiday it was. It didn’t go according to his plan since we were both busy with work. But he kept trying to separate us from the group at the carnival so I could make a move.”

You choke on your cocktail. “Make a move?”

“I feel like I’m making you uncomfortable," he says quickly, eyes darting around the kitchen. “I’m so sorry for lying to you. I never meant to hurt you, I’m just very awkward around pretty girls.”

“Okay, three things.” Jake closes his mouth and nods. “Firstly, Heeseung is a stupid idiot and you should’ve just asked him for my number. Secondly, you need to learn that trusting him when it comes to romance is never a good idea because his girlfriend is his gaming console.”

“And the third?”

You bite your lip and look away for just a second. Fuck it.

"I think you’re really pretty too.”

Jake opens his mouth, closes it, and repeats this process again.

“You think I’m pretty…”

“Yeah,” you say with a laugh. “So much so that I’ve also had this stupid crush on you since we met.”

“Hey, love birds,” Heeseung interrupts from the threshold of the kitchen. “Look up. Didn’t you notice the mistletoe I put up there?”

When you and Jake look towards the ceiling, a green mistletoe is haphazardly hanging from string taped to the wall above. Your best friend grins at both of you before he disappears around the corner and the only thing left is two heartbeats that, somehow, are starting to beat as one.

“Merry Christmas,” Jake whispers as his eyes flicker down to your lips.

He pushes his mouth against your own softly like he’s testing the waters until he feels you push back. Kissing him feels so right. Jake’s lips feel like an overbearing weight has been lifted off of your shoulders with every push and pull. His hands keep you caged in front of him with his palms on your waist as he moves you until your back hits the counter behind you. Jake’s kiss is nothing short of breathtaking. The wind has been effectively knocked out of your lungs and the world might as well be nonexistent with the way he kisses you.

When he does eventually pull away, Jake pushes his forehead onto your own and intertwines both of his hands with yours as if he’s afraid you’re a figment of his imagination who might slip away if he lets go.

“I’m going to ask you to be my girlfriend tomorrow,” he says as you both catch your breaths.

“Why tomorrow?”

“I’ll let you have Christmas. But the twenty-sixth is all about us. I’m selfish when it comes to you”

Jake gives you a short, sweet kiss while you smile through it.

“Tomorrow it is.”

And when you two walk out hand in hand, everybody smiles.

***

[paarksunghoon]

best friends (heeseung)

SUMMARY: heeseung has been your best friend for as long as you can remember. so begs the question: is there anything wrong with giving your best friend a blowjob on New Year’s Day?

PAIRING: best friend!heeseung x fem!reader

WORD COUNT: 3.6K

NOTES: happy new year, enjoy this short drabble 🖤 please consider reblogging and leaving a comment (or two!)

I’m also thinking about finally opening up a taglist for all future work, so let me know if you’d like to be added :)

WARNINGS: dom x sub dynamics, big dick heeseung, blowjob & deep throating, doggy, spanking, slight masochism & sadomasochism elements, choking, teasing & dirty talk, heeseung controls the speed with a belt around reader’s head, cumming in your mouth, mentions of heeseung eating pussy, unresolved feelings.

Nothing compares to fucking your best friend. 

There isn’t a drug that comes close to how horny you get at the anticipation of Heeseung pushing himself inside of you. It’s hot, it’s messy, and it’s the kind of sex that has you clawing at the bedsheets while he’s demolishing you at record speed. Seldom has anyone made you as wet as Heeseung does to the point where hookups and flings don’t live up to your standards anymore. Getting off is fun, but compared to the unspoken chemistry that lingers between you and your best friend, having sex with other people feels like a pathetic attempt to pretend there’s nothing going on between you two. 

It doesn’t happen often. You’re pretty sure your mutual friends don’t even know the two of you have been fucking on and off for the last six months. You’ll call him to your apartment when your friend-turned-roommate is out of town. If the two of you are the last ones to go home, Heeseung will touch you in the car and pull into an empty parking lot to release pent up sexual tension. These intoxication sessions leave you dazed and satisfied when it’s all over, hooking up every other month or so has felt like hooking up every other week because sex with Heeseung is never just a single round. There’s foreplay, heavy petting, dirty talk, and multiple rounds before the two of you think of parting ways and saying goodbye. The two of you are naked for hours by the time you’ve orgasmed for the nth time and when Heeseung can’t stay hard any longer. You’ve both managed to act normal under these circumstances, giving the appropriate amount of physical touch and keeping verbal affection to a minimum when you’re with other people. Everyone else thinks it’s normal–they either have hope for this potential relationship or had let the thought go after years of remaining friends–for you and Heeseung to be in each other’s orbits as much as you already are. 

It all started that one night back in April, the heat in Heeseung’s room making sleeping unbearable, especially since you had to deal with Heeseung pressed so close to your body. It’s a bit funny thinking about how hot you were since your neighborhood’s power went out just a few hours before. Multiple blankets and sweaters couldn’t block out the frigid cold that seeped into your apartment no matter if you shut your windows or put on all the clothes you own. Heeseung had offered his place for you to sleep at, and when you took your sweater off of your body with the fabric catching on your shirt until your chest was bare, you realized he was awake because he moaned. 

There he was, leaning on his elbow while he looked at your nipples. You hurried to take off the sweater and fix your shirt, pulling it back over your chest, your cheeks heating up at the embarrassment because while he’s seen you in bikinis and short dresses over the years, not once has Heeseung ever seen you naked. You’d thrown the sweater somewhere on the floor next to you and your best friend, presumably more alert at this point, looked from your covered tits to your eyes with the kind of expression that made you both nervous and excited. You’d be stupid to deny that you’ve thought about Heeseung looking at you like this. When he moves his hand towards the hem of your shirt, pulling it up your chest to expose you to him once again, you don’t tell him to stop. His warm mouth was a euphoric sensation. He was still tired, that was for sure, as he lazily sucked around your bud while flicking it with his wet tongue. The affair was soft at first, as Heeseung gradually awoke and your inevitable arousal overtook your senses because the next thing you know, the two of you fucked each other until you both passed out. 

One thing you’ve learned is how much you love teasing him. He’s normally easy-going and doesn’t have much to say unless he’s comfortable enough to say what’s on his mind. Heeseung is shy by nature, but he has his confident moments where it seems like nothing in the world can touch him. Sex with you is one of those times, because for as docile as he is when he’s sober-minded, you’re just as bratty and as loud-mouthed when you’re horny and turned on. There’s nothing he loves more than to put you in your place when he’s alone with you.

“You talk big for a girl with a small mouth.”

“Why don’t you put it to use and find out?” 

It’s technically New Year’s Day, but neither of you are keeping track of the time. He’s buzzed and so are you. You know testing him is the wrong thing to do, but seeing Heeseung’s patience run thin thrills you like no other. Your body’s already completely naked on his bed with your tits pressed underneath you and against his mattress, Heeseung’s dick lodged deep into your pussy while your legs lay on either side of him. The angle allows him to stay inside of you and present our ass to him, which has undoubtedly turned multiple shades of red as he spanked you. It began with his hands after he saw just how sexy you looked with your body bent before him. He raised his right hand and slapped each ass cheek, continuing as he heard you moan out for him and realized you love being used more than you lead on. Heeseung repeatedly slapped both asscheeks and the sting of his palm felt wild and tantalizing in conjunction with how hard he was thrusting. You could feel both his dick and his hands, and you weren't sure which one you liked more. 

Then came the belt. He was obsessed with that goddamn black leather belt he wouldn’t have bought if not for his cowboy costume for the New Year’s Party with a dress code that screamed Halloween. The two of you hadn’t meant to match, with you dressed as a sexy cowgirl fit with a garter and a prop gun that shot tequila out of the barrel. You weren’t supposed to be in town in the first place. Heeseung didn’t know that your plans had been cancelled and that your friends convinced you to show up to this party instead. The two of you looked like you planned a couple’s costume and by the time you were tired of drinking and dancing, you both decided to sleep it off at Heeseung’s place since it was much closer to the party. And now your ass is red from your best friend folding the belt in half and whipping your flesh to watch it jiggle for his enjoyment. He thrusts his cock into you a few times before pulling himself out completely, leaving you to whine at the loss of delicious friction. 

“Get up,” Heeseung commands in that deep voice he uses when he’s scolding you, grabbing a sweater from his chair to provide cushion against his hardwood. “Get on your knees and open your mouth. You’re too horny to argue, instead choosing to obey and crawl to the edge of the bed before properly kneeling before him. Heeseung’s cock stands with his tip pointed directly at your face. When you stick your tongue out to lick him, your best friend grips your hair from the scalp and tilts your heat back until you’re looking up at him with your neck straining. “Don’t touch me. I didn’t say you could do anything other than getting on your knees and opening your mouth.”

“I did what you asked,” you bark back with a devilish smile on your mouth. 

“I don’t recall telling you to lick my cock. Tsk. You’re so fucking impatient. It’s a turn off.”

You laugh at his bluff. “Sure. Must be why you’re rock hard whether you’re in my pussy or in my mouth.” Heeseung grips your hair tighter and relishes in the way you wince, eyes shutting for a brief second while he uses his other hand to grip the tip of his dick, slapping it on the left side of your face repeatedly before letting go of your hair. He uses a bit of force to push you backwards but you don’t mind that at all. In fact, you were hoping he’d do what he usually does–shove his dick in your mouth until he’s effectively fucking your throat at the speed of light, but he doesn’t.

“Stick your tongue out.” 

You do as he says and present him the flat surface of your pink tongue. Heeseung guides the head until he’s sliding it against your wet muscle. You can taste remnants of yourself and past orgasms on him, it’s salty and warm and you're tempted to swallow him whole. But you know there’s a limit that you can push before Heeseung would actually leave you high and dry just to punish you. He’s never done it, but there’s this voice in the back of your mind that tells you to stop when you think of pushing him even further, and you can’t think of a worse fate than not having Heeseung make you come. 

His cockhead is so smooth and savory to the taste. You look up at him but he doesn’t spare you a glance, instead choosing to focus on the wet mess his dick and your tongue are making. Heeseung lifts himself just to slap himself against you, using his hand to move in repeated motions until you can hear your spit and his precum splashing all over the place. It isn’t enough to cause a big commotion, but you can feel the way it’s starting to seep towards the corners of your mouth and fall down your bottom lip. 

“You always want my cock when I pull it out,” Heeseung groans, pulling himself out to smear your spit over your cheeks. You keep your tongue out as he moves the underside of him over your mouth, gliding his dick until your tongue has reached the seam of his balls and then back over again and again. “You look so fucking good when you’re waiting for me to stick it in. Your mouth and pussy are so greedy for me, but right now I want to see your face stuffed with my cock. I want spit drooling from your mouth until it’s spilling into your tits. I want a messy blowjob, you hear me? If you don’t choke and gag, it’s not what I want.” 

Heeseung pulls away and grips himself by the base to align his tip with your mouth, pushing the head in. Your mouth encloses around him but you don’t dare to push your head forward to deepthroat him like you normally would. Your best friend looks so determined to use your mouth like a toy and you make yourself look like something that can’t talk or fight back. Heeseung looks the sexiest when he uses your body until he’s satisfied because you know this means he’ll return the favor until your pussy is absolutely spent. Giving him a blowjob is a joy in itself, but you’re equally as excited knowing he’ll fuck you however you want once he’s satisfied. 

He keeps his dick just barely in your mouth with two or three inches lodged inside you. You watch him grab the belt from the bed with one hand as he toys with it above you, snapping the leather to make you squirm. It makes you clench around absolutely nothing and the cold draft in his room does nothing to soothe your wet pussy and the goosebumps that have formed all along your body. Heeseung doesn’t do anything except put the belt around you until you can feel it pressing against the back of your head. 

You don’t get a chance to prepare. Heeseung pulls your head towards his pelvis with the belt, impaling your throat with the entirety of his length and girthy cock, which makes you gag at the sudden intrusion. His tip nudges against the back of your throat like it’s trying to convince you to choke around him, and you do. You try to swallow by constricting your throat but all of the spit that has procured in the last few seconds starts to seep out of your mouth the longer Heeseung keeps his dick inside of you.

“You look so sexy with my cock in your mouth. I like it when you can’t talk back to me. You have such a loud fucking mouth.” Heeseung looks down at you and listens to the way you gag around him, and like the good girl you are, your hands are down by your side and not clawing at his thighs for stability. You have the most perfect posture when you’re trying to focus on breathing. It drives him insane to see you fighting with yourself because he knows that one part of you loves it when your mouth is stuffed. “It’s cute when we’re with our friends. You’re polite and funny. You always make me laugh.  But when it’s just us two? Goddamn, baby. You run your mouth like a fucking train and don’t listen to a single thing I say until I’m hurting you.” He loosens the grip he has on his belt, allowing you to pull away from him to take a small breather, spit flowing out of your mouth until it drips down the side of your face and onto your chest. You suck around the first couple of inches while the belt’s only loosely wrapped around your head. “I don’t want to see you in pain, but you keep testing my patience. It’s like you want me to hurt you.” 

Of course, you can’t say anything. All that’s left is the slurping sound of your wet mouth against his wet dick, sucking on whatever you can reach. Heeseung laughs at your desperation and pulls you closer to him again until your nose hits his smooth and defined pelvis. You choke again and it’s like your pain is something that makes Heeseung laugh. “I know you love my cock in you like this. You can be such a sweet girl when you want to be. Where is she tonight, hm? What happened to the girl who let me fuck her pussy for hours a few weeks ago? You were so obedient for me. Did you get tired of waiting for me to fuck do? Is that why you’re acting up?” 

Heeseung keeps his hips still for the most part as to not reward you by fucking your face while he does all the work. Instead, your best friend pulls and pushes your head until you move in tandem, feeling the belt against you with every movement of your head. It’s hard not to choke when Heeseung’s dick is repeatedly jamming the back of your throat, the quiet of his room providing an erotic backdrop as you gag around him with even more spit oozing from your mouth. The whole ordeal looks and sounds obscene. Heeseung’s dick stretches your mouth out like nobody has before to the point where you’re sure this session has permanently imprinted him on your body, and you’re sure nobody will ever fuck you the way your best friend does. 

His heavy balls swung underneath him, and when he quickens the pace, they hit your chin and jawline. There are too many sensations for you to focus on–his balls, his big dick, the spit, being unable to breathe, and the feeling of being watched–for you to choose which one turns you on the most. Heeseung’s capable of making you go crazy because he’s able to fuck you mentally and physically at the same time. His cock makes you drool and restricts how much you’re able to breathe until he’s feeling generous enough to allow you to catch your breath while his eyes glare down at you like you’re in some evil, revengeful plot to get you to look pathetic for him. It doesn’t matter to you because it’s all the same–Heeseung will make you lose your mind because of how much pleasure he brings to your body and because you always feel desired by him no matter how he’s looking at you.

“Your tears are turning me on,” Heeseung tells you while he uses his belt to control your movements. It’s true, tears have since emerged around your eyes with a single tear threatening to fall to your cheek. But it’s so hot. You’d let him make you cry as many times as he wanted. “You play neutral when we’re in public. Not too sexy but not too innocent. Fuck, you’re so confident that it’s scary. You don’t take shit from anybody. I love seeing you like this because it’s the only time you’d ever submit to me. That’s fucking sexy. Wish all our friends could see you like this. You’re a whore. But so am I, right? A whore for your pussy and mouth, just like you’re a whore for my dick.” 

You moan around him, but it sounds a bit chopped with the speed you’re impaling yourself around him. There’s a surprising layer of vulnerability in his words. Heeseung is incredibly good at dirty talk and has his fair share of moments that makes your head spin because he’ll go from threatening to pound you into the mattress to slow, soft thrusts while he kisses your neck like you’re made of something delicate. He’s never been so forward and open during sex like he is now, but maybe it’s because he knows you can’t physically talk to tease him for his vulnerability. If you’re being honest, too, the reward for fighting against him has less to do with painful punishments than it does with allowing yourself to act out and throw a tantrum, one that you know Heeseung is more than willing to put up with. He’ll laugh and encourage your bratty behavior under the guise of trying to make you obey, too entertained by the difference in how you act when you’re naked versus fully clothed. You push his buttons the way people push yours, bite back at him in the same way people say harsh things to you, and defy him like he knows you want to when you’re not having sex with him. This side of you is something that’s been dormant for years and, apparently, Heeseung is the one to bring it out of you. 

Fucking your throat feels like granting your silent wish of being used like you’re absolutely nothing because everybody always needs you. Everybody assumes you will inconvenient yourself to make other people happy and this unfair weight on your shoulders is released when Heeseung fucks you so long and hard that you forget all of your problems exist. They become easier to manage when you stop thinking before you act. Your best friend’s more than willing to indulge you, but you never thought he might feel the same way about having sex with you. 

“Oh fuck,” Heeseung says between moans. “I’m cumming. Gonna cum in your little mouth. Fuck, here it comes.” 

With his belt, Heeseung keeps your face pressed right against his lap when you feel his hot cum spurt at the back of your throat. His cum is warm and you try to swallow around him to prevent his massive load from truly choking you, but some of it still ends up pushing from between your tongue and his dick until it spills to your chin and the corners of your mouth. You can feel Heeseung throbbing against you while he finishes cumming, his cock so warm against your mouth that you don’t mind the fact that he’s stuffing himself down your small hole. He lets go of one side of the belt and allows you to pull your head off of him. You use the pad of your thumb to scoop the cum that’s fallen out of your mouth, sucking on your finger while Heeseung’s dick hangs in the air with a single bead of cum latched onto the tip. You lean forward to lick the slit and only the slit, to which Heeseung laughs and shudders. 

“Happy New Year,” he says in a whisper as he tries to catch his own breath before pushing a kiss to your lips with the kind of tenderness you can’t seem to read. Heeseung pulls you up by the elbows and helps you back on the bed after you’ve spent a long period of time with your knees on his floor, this time letting your back lay against the mattress while he hovers over you with his still-hardened dick touching your leg. “Let me eat you out as a thank you for that incredible mouth of yours.” He descends, making you forget about the pain on your kneecaps until you're moaning out for him, cumming into his mouth so many times that you can barely keep track. 

Heeseung fucks you with just as much passion and vigor as he usually does and it makes you wonder when the two of you will finally address what’s been left unsaid. 

ijbol at me saying i might leave this blog in 2026 but having some steam left 😭

[paarksunghoon]

you plus me | heeseung

SUMMARY: it's been six years since heeseung stopped being your friend and the thought of him tagging along an annual camping tradition makes you feel like the world is crashing around you. one misunderstanding and one trip later makes heeseung re-evaluate all he knows, and it makes you believe there might be life after love.

NOTES: first full length fic!!!!!!! enjoy :) x

PAIRING: heeseung x fem!reader (featuring enhypen)

PLAYLIST: added march 17 - find it here

WORD COUNT: 34.1K

WARNINGS: fluff, angst, mentions of poor relationships with parental figures, mentions of infidelity, bad friendships, smut in the form of: fingering, oral (f. receiving), creampie.

***

“Please don’t make me go.”

“Y/N, you already said yes. We’re only gonna be gone for a week.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Jungwon. You just said that Heeseung is gonna be there.” 

Your best friend sighs and sits down on your bed, inspecting the duffle bag you have that’s half-packed. Your clothes are haphazardly strewn all over your bedding while you plead with him to no avail. You’re so desperate that you consider getting on your knees to beg.

“I’m sorry for telling you now, but he was able to get people to cover his shift last minute and paid for a spot on the kayaking rental.” 

“If he’s going, I’d rather save us all the trouble and stay at home.” Jungwon watches you cross your arms over your chest. “Every time we’re in the same room, it’s just a matter of time before things become awkward.” 

“We’ll be outside in the suuuun,” Jungwon says, tilting his head to the side and giving you those amused eyes that he always gives you when he’s trying to convince you to do something with him. You scoff and look away. It almost works. 

“I bet that it’ll be worse since we have a few things planned with the guys already.”

“So what? You two don’t get along. Big deal. We’ve already made reservations to secure a spot on the campsite and set a deposit for kayak rentals.”

“Won, I think you and I view Heeseung very differently. He doesn’t just not like me. He hates me.” 

“Hate is a wrong word.” 

You huff. “I don’t think you grasp just how weird it is every time we’re together. You could cut the tension with a knife.”

“Seriously, Y/N. It’s one week. I’m sure you can survive that. You’ve never missed a camping trip and it’s the first time all of our friends are coming.” Jungwon deadpans and throws a shirt towards your chest, which you hastily grab after being startled by his sudden movement. You know better than to argue with him when he gets like this. “Just help me pack your clothes, dude. Jay’s gonna be here to pick us up tomorrow morning, and you don’t want to be under-packed.” 

You relent and grumble. “Are you still staying over?”

He nods. “My apartment’s in the opposite of where we’re going, and I didn’t want to make him drive an extra twenty minutes since he needs to pick Riki up. Just need to drop Maeumi off at my mom’s before coming back here. ” Your eyes fall for a flat second before you squash that feeling down.

“I didn’t invite you over, you know.” 

“No, but don’t pretend like you’re not excited,” Jungwon says with a laugh as he pulls your clothes out of the bag and starts to readjust the clothing you’ve folded poorly. Seeing your best friend smile tugs a bit at your heartstrings and you can’t say that you aren’t happy to have him with you. “We should get you packed now so you don’t stress out later.” 

Begrudgingly, you allow Jungwon to sort out your clothes for you and pull last minute items you’ve yet to pack. It annoys you watching him be so calm when you’re simmering with worry. But you know he’s right—you’ve invested some money into this getaway, and it’ll be the last big outing before you move away from Korea for a year-long job opportunity in Okayama before pursuing your Master’s degree. Jungwon knows you a little too well, and sometimes it irks you. 

The end-of-summer camping trip is always one for the books. For as long as you can remember, the two of you have been going camping just before everyone goes back to school to celebrate the beginning of a new academic year with your families. But this time, the trip wasn’t just about continuing an annual tradition. It was also to commemorate a new chapter in your life. 

You’re a year older than Jungwon. He’s known you since you were obsessed with learning how to double dutch, and you’ve known him since he first learnt how to ride a bike. The two of you started out as neighbors when you moved into the house next to his, and his family had adopted your own like old friends, eventually inviting you and your parents into their annual camping tradition. Even when dynamics changed and people left, the tradition was the only thing that remained a constant for you.

This is the first summer that your loved ones announced they wouldn’t be coming along. They all thought it was time for you to embark on new traditions with new people, and nobody seemed to mind the change that much except for you. Jungwon had been ecstatic about it since he invited his friend, Jake, to the camping trip last year. You’d been wary at first since Jake is friends with Heeseung, but he never brought up your confusing arch-nemesis and chose to have a great trip before you all started university again.  

Sure, you had a lot of fun. You might even consider last year’s trip as one for the books. But your mom pulling out of the camping trip and everyone around you agreeing that it was for the best made you feel like your world was crumbling around you.

When you graduated university three months ago (Jungwon swears he didn’t cry, but you know better than to believe him), the weight of leaving your home started to sink in. In the blink of an eye, Jungwon wouldn’t be a twenty minute drive, and hanging out with all of your friends wouldn’t be as easy as it once was. You’d be in Japan all alone.

This past summer has been a whirlwind as you tried to do everything under the sun, savoring each moment until you wouldn’t be able to anymore. Jungwon’s been a good sport about it, never once complaining when you drag him to your latest adventure. He deals with your sudden shift in mood from happy to sad, letting you cry on his shoulder and braving the cliche words you say when telling him you’ll miss him a lot. 

Unlike past seasons, this is the first summer you haven’t seen Heeseung very often. Lee Heeseung, who usually keeps his head down and minds his business, always seems to have a bone to pick whenever his eyes settle on you. It confuses you to no end, and he keeps his quips to a minimum when your mutual friends are around, but it doesn’t stop you from wondering what you must’ve done to make him act like that towards you. It’s a shame because that small childhood crush you always had on him was squashed the first time he ignored your presence. 

None of your friends comment on it much. They’re used to the dynamic between the both of you because it's been years of this. Elementary school saw the two of you become friends for the first time and middle school brought more friends into the group. It was in high school that things changed and Heeseung started ignoring you out of nowhere until one Thursday afternoon when he’d told you to leave him alone after pestering him about his change in behavior. 

The odd tension followed you into university and continued to seep into your life. You don’t think you’ve ever been in a room with Heeseung where he’s been anything but nonchalant towards you, often acting like you aren’t there to begin with. You do your best to put up with it and plaster a smile on your face, but six years have gone by, and you don’t think you can handle a seventh. All of your friends seemed to have moved past it. You don’t know why you can’t.

“Don’t think about Heeseung,” Jungwon says with a sigh. “In fact, don’t think at all. Let me handle everything and enjoy this trip before you move to Okayama, okay?”

“Okay, fine. But I want to see Maeumi.”

Jungwon snorts. “She’s gonna be real pissed when she doesn’t see you for a year, you know.”

“Don’t remind me.”

Jungwon knows you like the back of your hand and has seen what you bring on these trips enough to know what you like to have in your duffle. He packs things you neglected to pull out because your mind has been elsewhere. As much as he wants to flick your head and tell you to quit overthinking so you can help him, he did tell you to let him handle everything. 

Your best friend makes you triple check that the two of you didn’t miss anything before heading back to his apartment to fetch Maeumi. She jumps into your arms when you squat to pick her up and won’t allow Jungwon to pet her white fur body while she’s nestled against you. This fondness and the familiar jab of Jungwon’s elbow to your ribcage make your heart ache despite the sweet moment. You’re really going to miss home. 

Ever the concerned mothers your mom and Jungwon’s are, they send you with a tray full of sweets for the road. They make you tell them exactly when you’ll be picked up and by who (“Jongseong, Eomma,” Jungwon says for the umpteenth time) and when you plan to come back. His dad gives you a spare bucket hat for when you’re on the water and an old sweater from his college days when Jungwon complains about how you never pack enough layers. The gesture feels warm since you consider his father to be somewhat of your own.

Leaving them to go back to your house feels a bit bittersweet. A lot of your belongings sit in storage boxes in the garage from when you moved out of your campus apartment upon graduating. Jungwon decided to get an apartment for himself with the money he saved from his part-time job as a busboy at a local chain restaurant. Staying over with you makes it seem silly when you remember he used to live next door. 

It’s nine in the evening when the two of you get ready for bed. Jungwon puts your bags by the front door so neither of you would forget while you finish brushing your teeth. He grabs extra blankets from the linen closet and settles onto your L-shaped couch, pulling the fabric just underneath his chin. Your heart feels like it’s sinking in on itself when you think about how this might be the last time you’re able to be so casual around him. 

“Stop overthinking,” he says in the quiet of the night, as if he can hear the thoughts in your head. The living room lights are off and the moonlight is what’s responsible for illuminating the space. 

You refrain from throwing your pillow at him. “I’m not overthinking. You’re overthinking.” 

Jungwon snorts. “We both know that’s not true. I know you’re scared about Okayama and I know that’s why you’ve been on edge about Heeseung. You’re usually never this loud about it.” Like always, your best friend is right. 

“It’s hard not to.” Your meek voice makes Jungwon’s heart lurch. “Everything’s changed so fast. I feel like I didn’t get enough time to properly say goodbye to everyone.”

“You’ll be in Japan, not America. It’s not like we’ll never see you.” 

“Yeah, but I won’t be able to annoy you for boba and you won’t be coming over to have dinner with my mom and me." Jungwon frowns. Too caught up in making sure you were happy this summer, he hadn’t given it that much thought. “I know I won’t be far, but I’m scared that things will change too much.” 

For the first time today, Jungwon doesn’t know what to say to make you feel better. “I’ll miss you a lot.” 

“I know that, dummy. I guess…I feel like I’ve been dealing with a lifetime of shittiness and the universe wanted to throw another curveball at me.” Jungwon’s heart softens at your confession. He’s used to your quick jabs and sarcastic humor. Knowing you’ve more afraid than excited makes him upset. 

“The universe sucks,” he says, happy that it pulled a laugh out of you. “I’ll always be a phone call away and you’ll never have to worry about me ignoring you because we both know I’m gonna blow up your texts anyway.” 

“I can always count on you to annoy the hell out of me.” You can’t see his face, but no you already assume Jungwon’s sporting a shit-eating grin. Even if you both know the main reason why you’re afraid of living in Okayama, neither of you say it. You’re grateful that Jungwon doesn’t bring it up. “Still, though. You know how I am with change. I’m really scared that I’m going to hate it there and not have you to keep me company.”

“Life is crazy and unpredictable but that doesn’t mean you’re going to be miserable. I mean, you did a pretty good job of making sure both of us had happy childhoods even though I know you were hurting when we were younger.” 

“It’s really hard not to have expectations or think badly about the future when I feel like I took everything for granted.” 

“I know, Bug,” Jungwon says, using a nickname from your childhood he reserves for when he thinks you need an extra bit of comfort. “But you’re the best person I know. You didn’t do anything wrong. Life just…gets in the way.” 

“Yeah, I know.”

Jungwon is quiet for a moment. “Just please promise me you’ll try to have fun, okay?”

“I know I’ll have fun, Wonnie. I’m scared that I’ll have too much fun and be a sobbing wreck when we get back.” 

The two of you share a laugh. “Alright, fair. Promise me you won’t let Heeseung get under your skin.”

You groan. “If he doesn’t like me, that’s fine. I don’t need everyone to like me. But why go out of his way to act like I’m scum of the Earth?”

“Just ignore him, okay?” Jungwon pleads. “I know it’s uncomfortable but he paid for a last minute spot. I’ll tell him to be mature about it too.” 

And, well, part of you believes Heeseung will listen to Jungwon. Despite being on the younger side in your shared friend group, everyone seemed to listen to your best friend most of the time. Jungwon has an authoritative aspect to himself when he’s refrained from being the silly, happy-go-lucky guy you all know him to be. 

It’s quiet for a brief moment with the wind gently tapping on the windows behind you. “I don’t know why he doesn’t like me.” 

Truthfully, neither does Jungwon. “I’m sorry he’s putting you in a tough spot.” 

“Won, sometimes I really wonder if he hates my guts. He doesn’t talk to me and he never replies to my messages in the group chat. It’s like I don’t exist to him.”

“I think that might be a little extreme.” 

“It’s not and you know it.” 

Jungwon hums. “Well, at least you’ll get away from him when you move to Okayama.” Just like that, all of your worries come flooding right back.

“Yeah,” you say meekly. “I’ll have Okayama.”

You don’t see him, but you know Jungwon’s smiling since you agreed with him for the first time tonight. “That’s more like it. You have your whole future ahead of yourself, dude. Heeseung is just a blimp. In three weeks, he won’t matter because you’ll be having fun in Japan. Just think about that.” 

You try not to think about the fears and hesitations you have about starting anew. This time, you wouldn’t be going back to university after the camping trip. You’ll have a week and a half back home before you’re boarding your flight and saying goodbye to the place you’ve called home for the past two decades. Thinking about the future keeps you up until you hear Jungwon’s snores from the other side of the couch. 

Unsure of when your mom will be coming home, you snuggle further into the cushions and curl yourself into a ball before falling asleep. 

***

The next morning, Jungwon wakes up just before you do and you see him and your mom talking before they see you sit up. Barely noticing their hushed tones, you find yourself yawning more than normal and force the blankets off of your body. Your mom fixes you a cup of tea while Jungwon finishes packing, leaving you to freshen up and do the same. 

“You know, this trip will be good for you. I can feel it,” your mom says when you sip on your tea. It’s hot and nearly burns your tongue, but you don’t mind. Somehow, that sharp pain makes you feel even more alert than the strong brew. 

“You say that every year.” 

“Yeah, but this time I won’t be with you.” 

She laughs when she hears you huff. “Baby, I know you love it when I come on these trips but we’ll always have other ones. We’ll have next year too.” 

“I just don’t get why you and Jungwon’s parents don’t want to come on this one.” 

“Like we said all those months ago–it’s time for you guys to break tradition and spend some time with your friends before you move to Okayama. Next year, we can rent out the whole campsite if it means we can accommodate us, the Yangs, and your friends.” 

Frustration bubbles within you but you’re quick to shut that feeling. “I guess. It won’t be the same.”

“Jake’s going this year, right? You guys had a lot of fun last summer.” 

Well, she isn’t wrong. “Sure, yeah. I had fun with him.” Motherly instincts kick in and she bumps your hip with hers. 

“I know you’re scared about moving and seeing Heeseung. But you’re much braver than you give yourself credit for. Sometimes people are meant to be lessons and maybe Heeseung is the biggest one of all.”

You throw a fake-disgusted look at her. “Did Jungwon put you up to this?” She laughs and shakes her head, bringing you into her arms. Her lips on the crown of your head feel warm and you don’t shy away from her embrace. 

“No, but I carried you in my stomach and brought you to term. I like to think I know you pretty well.” 

You chuckle. “Yeah, I guess you do. I’ll try not to let Heeseung bother me too much.” 

“Jungwon’s pretty worried, even if he won’t say it. I told him to relax a little. This trip isn’t supposed to stress anyone out. It’s supposed to be a nice getaway before you go back to your normal life.” 

“I feel guilty for making Jungwon worry about me. I know he’s still friends with Heeseung, somewhat, even though nobody can figure out why he doesn’t like me so much.” 

“That old saying about boys being mean to their crushes is bullshit.” 

You pull away and gasp when you hear her swear. “Eomma!”  

“I used to swear like a sailor before I became a mom, you know.” Her eyes light up when she watches you giggle and from the corner of her eye, she can see Jungwon walking back into the living room. 

“Jay’s almost here,” he says, shoving his phone into his back pocket. 

“Does he want a cup of tea?” 

Jungwon shakes his head. “I think it’s better if we head out as soon as possible. We still have to pick up Riki and then we have a four hour drive to the campsite.” 

She looks at the two of you like she has stars in her eyes. Wordlessly, your mom pulls Jungwon underneath her other arm and kisses his forehead before kissing yours. “When did you two become so grown up, huh? It feels like just yesterday that Y/N stopped crying whenever she got papercuts.” 

Jungwon snickers. “She still does.”

“Hey!”

“And it feels like just yesterday that Jungwon stopped needing to sleep with a nightlight.” Jungwon’s cheeks turn pink and you snicker at him. 

“Time flew by fast,” says Jungwon. She lets the two of you go and the doorbell rings. “That must be Jay.” 

Indeed, Jay is standing behind the door and bows at your mom before she offers to help you both carry things to his car. They make small talk while the two of you put them into the trunk (he loves to cook while she loves to bake. Likewise, they enjoy talking about this with each other). Jay’s Jeep is far too expensive for you to wrap your head around, but you don’t complain when he offers to drive you in it. A yellow rubber duck sits on his dashboard and it never fails to bring a smile to your face whenever you see it. You wave goodbye to your mom and stick your body halfway out the window until you’re restricted by the seat belt.

“Can we get coffee on the way?” you ask, yawning into your palm. It’s eight o’clock and everyone’s agreed to arrive around noon for lunch and to relax before sleeping. 

“Yeah, good idea. Let’s pick up Riki and then stop somewhere.” 

Jay plugs his phone into the aux cord at a red light and turns on some music. You like driving with him because you always discover new songs you obsess over for the next few days. It brings a pang in your heart when you think about how this will have to stop when you move to Japan. The two of you have created many playlist blends and he’s curated a few for you. While you’re not as musically inclined like your friends may be, Jay is the only person who’s willing to break things down for you in depth so that you can understand them too. It’s nice, especially when he talks about his own musical talents. You can see why he loves music so much and you don’t mind if he sends you a million songs to listen to. He turns onto the freeway and you know you’re about to see Riki soon.

He’s about to be a first-year in the university you graduated from. He moved to Korea from Japan a few weeks prior to get a lay of the land and become more comfortable in his surroundings. Originally planning on enjoying your summer until he reached out to you, your mother chided your decision and told you to help Riki move into his new dormitory. 

It was the least you could do for your half-brother. 

Begrudgingly, you spent a lot of time making sure Riki felt comfortable and settled in when you could’ve been soaking up the sun. Maybe that’s why you were so adamant about hanging out with Jungwon whenever you could. Being around Riki made you feel drained because his mere presence was enough to remind you of why you started losing faith in people. 

The dorms aren’t too far from your house. The drive there is silent, save for the music coming from Jay’s stereo. It gives you plenty of time to think about what the next week or so might look like. Avoiding Heeseung is out of the question since there will be eight of you participating in the same activities together. You’re not worried about having to watch over Riki too much either. Before moving to Korea, he met Jungwon the first summer he spent a few weeks vacationing here and they instantly became friends. He introduced Riki to the people you’d be camping with too. Without fail, the seven of them were always up to no good when he was in town. 

Spending three weeks with him in your neighborhood felt like someone was trying to set your life ablaze. He was so young back then, barely speaking Korean until you had to translate conversations into Japanese for him. You tried to mask disdain for having to help him, but even then, Riki understood why you were hesitant to have him in your life. If he were in your position, he’d probably feel the same way about you. 

He didn’t come to Korea very often but started to when he had school recess for the holidays and summer breaks. Since he expressed an interest in attending university in Korea, it felt like the right decision to send Riki whenever school wasn’t in session. He’d stay with his paternal grandparents and saw you every so often when you were both invited to the same place. Neither of you made a real effort to keep up with each other on social media or over the phone. At this time, Riki followed you on Instagram and you hadn’t bothered to follow him back. In all honesty, you didn’t see the point. 

You held a lot of resentment over Riki for things you know you can’t blame him for. But with new life changes that came your way, Riki seemed like the perfect scapegoat. He feels it sometimes, the way you pull him in just to push him away when the moment gets too familiar. He shoves down his feelings, choosing to treasure when you laugh with him. 

The two of you are doing somewhat better nowadays. You followed him back on Instagram the night after you dropped him off at the airport at the behest of your grandparents. They insisted Riki arrive at the airport four hours early despite the flight’s duration equating to two and a half hours. You suspected they wanted to force you into spending a little bit of alone time with your half-brother and get to know each other. 

To your surprise, the two of you got along pretty well. Riki was a dweeb trying to mask himself as cool. You bought him ice cream (pretending like you didn’t see him smiling so hard that he forced it off of his face) and sat in your car for two hours to talk. He found out you were a genius when it came to mathematics, a subject he did not excel in, and you found out he’s in a hip hop dance crew and wants to study dancing in Korea. Riki showed you a few clips of him dancing and from the corner of your eye, you could see how happy he was to be sharing this moment with you. It made your heart twinge and guilt crept up your spine when you think of all the times you’ve blown him off. You said goodbye to him at the gate and he surprised you with the first hug he’s ever given you. 

Still, it’s a bit awkward when the two of you spend any time together without your friends acting as buffers. It irks you that Riki and Heeseung get along so well because they share similar interests and are often awake at the same time, especially during the midnight hour. Part of you wondered if Heeseung would tell you all about your “rivalry” and how the two of you didn’t get along. If he did, Riki never let you know it because he’s been the same Riki you’ve known since you first met him three years ago. 

You can tell Heeseung is a bit irritated, too, that your half-brother still chooses to be nice to you. In fact, you realize he’s annoyed at everyone about this, especially Jungwon. You don’t call him out on it because you know it’ll spark a useless argument that makes you and everyone else feel upset. How Heeseung has the energy and stamina to avoid you for hours on end is strange to you. 

You and Jungwon meet Riki at the front door while Jay gets out of the car to make room for his belongings and the lawn chairs his grandparents dropped off for this specific trip. There’s exactly eight of them and they somehow all fit into the rear with all of the other cooking gear he’s packed. You assume the other car has everything needed for pitching tents and fishing.

“Hi,” Riki says before you can acknowledge him. He steps forward like he’s about to throw his arms around you but stops himself. “Good morning.” 

“Morning, Riki,” you say while grabbing the duffle bag from his shoulder. “Let me put this in the car. You and Wonnie can load the chairs.” 

“Aye, aye, captain.” 

It’s Riki’s first time on the camping trip and you find yourself a bit more nervous with him coming. He’s not someone who’s been camping before and you wonder if any of the other guys are going to look out for him. Jungwon, for as responsible as he is, tends to turn into a younger version of himself when he’s with your half-brother. You furrow your eyebrows when you put his duffle bag in Jay’s trunk as he rearranges and waits for the two boys to load everything in before settling back into the car. 

Riki and Jungwon immediately hop in the backseat and you’re quite pleased that you don’t have to call shotgun. They talk about things you don’t understand while Jay starts the car and resumes manning the aux cord. That strange feeling of nervousness creeps back into your stomach. You turn around and startle Riki when you look at him. 

“Do you have everything you need?” you ask him. 

“Yes,” Riki says with a nod. “I have my water bottle, my Swiss army knife, and sunblock.” 

“Bug spray?” 

“Jungwon says he’s bringing a few bottles.”

“Swimming trunks?”

“C’Mon, Y/N. We’re gonna be camping by a lake. That’s the first thing I packed.”

“Toothbrush?”

“Second thing I packed.”

“Enough shirts and socks?”

“Okay,” Jay says, pulling your wrist to get you to look at the road. “Riki’s got everything he needs and if he doesn’t, I’m sure someone else would let him use or borrow it.”

“I’m just making sure he’s got everything so we don’t need to stop somewhere,” you mutter, slinking into your seat while Jay sighs. You don’t catch it, but Riki sits behind you with a happy smile on his face. 

“Relax. We’re trying to make the most before summer ends. You deserve that too.” You know Jay’s right. He smiles when you fix your posture and hands you his phone. “You know my passcode. Queue up whatever you want.” 

You do just that, especially since Jungwon and Riki are engrossed in a conversation about God knows what. You think of interrupting them to ask what they want to listen to but ultimately decide to play a few songs you and Jay could jam out to and some from Jungwon’s playlists. You also try to remember the songs Riki has danced to in his Instagram videos and the musicians he posts on his stories and add them to the queue too. 

“Thanks for letting us come on this trip,” Jay tells you with chatter in the background, not once taking his eyes off of the road. “I know it’s a thing you and Jungwon do with your families.” 

“Eh, it was bound to happen anyway. Jake was the only one here last summer and I knew it was a matter of time.” 

“Still, I know how you’ve been feeling lately and it must be overwhelming to have so many people around you right now.” Damn. Jay is almost as receptive as Jungwon is. 

You don’t bother lying to him. “Yeah, I think I’m just scared about starting my life in Okayama. I know a few people but it’s not like here. I thought it was what I wanted to do when I accepted the position but now I can’t help but feel like I made a mistake.” 

“It’s not a mistake if you believed in it enough to do it all those months ago. I mean, there’s a reason why you’re moving.” 

“I guess.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit, dude. You’re like, a fucking wizard when it comes to numbers and even Jake is speechless. You know how he feels about math and physics.” 

That makes you laugh. “It feels kinda nerdy to love math so much but fuck it. It got me a paid year’s worth of employment before I earn my Master’s.”

“See? Not so bad, isn’t it?” You suppose it’s not. “Junwon, can you please tell the others that we’re about to stop for coffee then be on our way?” You see the notifications on your phone. 

wonton: we just picked up riki

jaeyunnie: who’s we

wonton: me jay and yn

jaeyunnie: AYOOOOOOO YN

you: JAEYUNIE :DD

jaeyunnie: idk why i thought jay was driving alone. whatever this is about to be the best camping trip of my Life. even better than last year

sun sun: is it just me or is jake always really fucking dramatic. also i’m lowkey offended i wasn’t invited last year …

jaeyunnie: shut Up u know nothing about me sunoo. and u were in bejing how tf could you have gone with us

sun sun: so much attitude 🙄

fanghoon: yn save me PLEASE. i’m in a car filled with animals

sun sun: HEY

jaeyunnie: who are you calling an animal big guy ?

you: sunghoon what makes you think i can do that 

you: jk come over here ~i will protect you~

fanghoon: Thank You. It’s Literally 8am

jaeyunnie: u guys need to become morning people

you: pass

sun sun: PASS 

sun sun: noona we are the same 🙂‍↕️

you: i know that’s right

wonton: we’re gonna stop for coffee before heading to the campsite 

jaeyunnie: oh shit we should make heeseung stop for coffee too

wonton: jay says to stop blowing up his phone in the group chat. we’ll text you when we stop for gas and when we’ve arrived. bye!!!

***

After one stop to fill up Jay’s gas tank (you paid for him as a thank you) and a snack run (Jungwon and Riki split the cost), the four of you are at the campsite in no time. You’re all somewhat grateful that it’s a little bit cloudy outside because the sun was killing you on the two-hour mark of your road trip. The weather is a little cooler and you tug on the sweater that Jungwon’s dad gave you.  

You see your other friends park just after you do. Jungwon and Riki are first to get out of the car and greet them like they haven’t seen the group in years while you and Jay take your time getting out of your seats. Since when did your joints become so stiff? You blame it on the fact that you woke up from a nap just a few minutes before you arrived. 

“This place was hard to find,” you hear Heeseung say from a distance. You try not to let it dampen your mood. 

“Where’s Y/N?” You’re sure that was Jake. 

“Waking up, probably,” says Jungwon. “She took a nap in the car and we just woke her up.” 

“The drive wasn’t even that long.” You assume your best friend gives Heeseung some kind of reaction before the latter apologizes quickly. 

Jake is by the passenger door as you open it and looks at you like a dog who wants to be taken out on a walk. He holds the handle to the door and bounces in his shoes until you push yourself out of the car. The loud slamming of the door behind you makes you wince. Jake pulls you into a hug faster than you can process. 

“I missed you dude,” Jake says. He puts his arm over your shoulder and slowly leads you to the group. “Did you have a good summer?”

“You know, despite the incredibly hot weather that made me feel like I would sweat to death, summer wasn’t so bad. How was Brisbane?”

“I missed the heat,” Jake says with a pout. “But it was pretty good to be back home for a month. I really missed my parents and my brother.” 

“I’m sure they missed you too.”

Jungwon spots you. “Your eyes are so puffy.” He takes his thumbs and tries to put more color underneath your eyes and onto your cheeks. Riki, Sunoo, and Jay have slipped away to start setting up camp.

Jake laughs beside you when you swat Jungwon’s hands away and lets his own arms fall when you lurch forward to give him a taste of his own medicine. He always liked that Jungwon was able to bring out a childish side to you because he’s always seen you carry yourself like you had to shoulder the weight of the world. Watching you chase Jungwon as he tried to escape your pinching fingers made him a bit more happier knowing you’d have friends like him to return to when you came back from Japan. 

Heeseung, however, rolls his eyes and speaks low. “She’s so childish.” 

“Dude,” Sunghoon sighs in exasperation. “We’re gonna be with her for a week. You need to quit making those comments.” 

Heeseung shrugs. “What? It’s not like she can hear what I’m saying.” 

“Yeah, but we can. We’re friends with her too, Heeseung.” 

The eldest tries to hold in his disdain. “Yeah, whatever. I’ll keep shit to myself.” 

“Just for now,” Jake encourages. “Y/N never starts anything with you but sometimes you say something that goes a little too far. No one is asking you to be her best friend.”

“Just remember it was Y/N’s mom and Jungwon’s parents who invited all of us,” Sunghoon reminds his friend. “We wouldn’t be here without them and if I recall correctly, you really wanted to come when you found out we were all planning to go.” Heeseung wants to argue and justify why he’s annoyed but can’t find a good enough reason. 

“You’re right,” he relents. “I’ll make nice but do not expect me to do shit for her.”

“We aren’t.” Sunghoon pats Heeseung’s back. “You’ve got this. It’s supposed to be a fun trip before we all go back to reality. All we want is one week where you two don’t create tension.” 

“I can do that.” Jake and Sunghoon share a look between the two of them when Heeseung isn’t looking and pray that he means it.

When Jungwon decides he’s out of breath, he accepts his fate and runs into Sunghoon’s arms when you outstretch your arms to pinch his cheeks and pull them apart like he’s made out of dough. The broken laughter coming from your best friend makes you laugh too. Everyone, save for Heeseung, laughs when Jungwon’s face becomes distorted due to your fingers. 

Eventually, you pull away from him and he starts to grab his duffle bag and the lawn chairs. The three of you follow suit once you realize you’re missing a few people. You lift your duffle over your shoulder and put on your hiking backpack while trying to hold more lawnshairs than you can carry. 

“Woah,” Sunghoon says as he catches a falling chair. “Let me help.”

“Thanks, Hoon. I don’t know why I thought I could carry two chairs at once.” 

“You’re strong but you’re also carrying a fuck ton of things.” 

He smiles at you and it makes you laugh. You haven’t seen much of Sunghoon over the summer because he’s been working nonstop at a local ice rink, teaching kids how to skate in back to back summer classes. Sunghoon is sometimes too tired to hang out after work or falls asleep on your couch whenever he hangs out with you to watch movies. Your mom thinks it’s a bit endearing and never has the heart to wake him up. Between Sunghoon’s impromptu sleepovers, Jungwon and Sunoo’s unannounced visits, Jay’s cooking and baking sessions in your kitchen, and Jake appearing out of nowhere every few nights for dinner, you’re starting to think your house might have an unspoken open door policy. 

Heeseung is the only one who doesn’t frequent your house if you don’t count Riki, who doesn’t spend enough time in Korea to become a permanent fixture. The only time Heeseung has been to your house is when he dropped Jungwon off after he had one too many to drink and he’d been adamant about going to your place because it was closer to the bar in comparison to your apartment. One awkward conversation later and Heeseung was out of your driveway. Jungwon woke up with a hangover the next morning and you were grateful your mother chose that weekend to take a girl’s trip with her best friends.

You don’t invite Heeseung over like you do with the others. The only reason why you haven’t deleted his phone number is because of the big group chat you’re in to discuss plans. He never responds to your texts in it and you don’t respond to him unless absolutely necessary. Sometimes you catch him laughing at your messages only to retract it when he realizes it’s you who sent it. It’s been six years of dealing with this and as much as it confuses you, part of you has learned to tune out this behavior and focus on the other friends you do share. 

Sunghoon must know you’re thinking about his friend because he looks at you like he’s been trying to get your attention. “Sorry,” you apologize. “What did you say?” 

“I said thanks for letting us crash your trip. I know this is something you and Jungwon do with your families every year. Can’t help but feel a little special that we get to come along.” 

You coo at him. “Do you remember when you could barely look me in the eye, let alone tell me something as sweet as that?” Sunghoon rolls his eyes. 

“Oh, shut up. You know I’m an introvert.” You bump your hip with his. 

“I’m just messing with you. But in all seriousness, it’ll be fun having you guys around.”

“I’m excited to see what you and Jungwon do every year.” 

“Nothing too out of the ordinary. Swim, eat a lot of food, kayak, hike, the usual. But there’s one spot we usually go to, just he and I, that’s away from the main spot on the lake.” 

“How’d you find it?”

“Jungwon found it by accident when we were younger. He said it was gonna be our secret spot and told me not to tell our parents. I think the whole campground panicked for an hour or so until somebody found us in the clearing.” 

Sunghoon snorts. “Yeah, that sounds like you two.” 

“They told us to tell them where we’d be and promised to leave us alone if we gave them a heads up. It’s not really noticeable if you don’t know where to look, but it’s so beautiful. It leads to another part of the lake and it’s always so peaceful and quiet.” 

“In that case, I’m honored that you’re showing us.” 

“Eh, it’s about time we add new members to the club.”

“Oh?” He raises his eyebrow. “There’s a club now?”

“Mhm. Gotta pay me two fish to join.” 

“Like you know how to fish.” You bump your hip with his again.

“There are things you guys don’t know about me, Park. Just wait and see.” 

Sunghoon lets the conversation end when he finds himself at the campsite where Jay and Riki have started to organize things and make spots for tents. It’ll take a few trips for all of the supplies and camping gear to be fully unloaded so you each take turns until everything is sitting in a big pile, waiting to be sorted. 

“Okay, I’m a bit out of my depth,” says Sunoo, who kicks around a rock as he speaks. “I, for one, will need help pitching a tent.”

“I’ll help you,” you say, nodding for him to come over. 

“You can pitch a tent?” Heeseung asks like he doesn’t believe you. 

You nod and pick up a bag. “Yeah. I do this every year.” You don’t say it with any bite in your tone but Heeseung, who forgot this fact, feels like an idiot for making a fool of himself in front of his friends. He chooses to look away from you for now. 

“We have three tents we need to put up,” Jay says. “I’m thinking we pitch those now, have a snack and water break, and then start to organize before we eat lunch.” 

“Sounds good.” You agree. “I’d rather have everything set up so we can enjoy our evening. Besides, we should do this before it gets dark.” 

“Right.” Jungwon clears his throat and hands out each bag, assigning your friends based on the size of the tent. Everybody gets to work, clearing the flat ground of rocks and debris before deciding where your tents will go. You all hammer the groundsheet into the dirt before assembling the poles.

You teach Sunoo the basics and give him pointers when he struggles to connect the joints. He’s learning much faster than he gives himself credit for because in no time, he’s jumping for joy when he finally manages to grasp what he’s supposed to be doing. It’s nice to watch him be so happy over this, as Sunoo originally declined the invitation to go camping since he isn't a huge fan of the outdoors. But now it’s like you would’ve never guessed that because he’s pretty quick to pick up your lessons.

Your tent is pitched up in no time. You roam around like a camp counselor to see if anybody needs help. Jake, Heeseung, Jay, and Jungwon seem to know what they’re doing and have the biggest tent halfway set up. Sunghoon and Riki look like they need a bit of assistance. Sunghoon’s figuring it out quickly while Riki fumbles with his fingers. 

“You have to do it slowly,” you say from beside him. Riki hands you the attachments when you beckon him to hand it over and show him slowly. “Like this. See? If you do it slowly, they’ll catch easier and it’ll be smoother when we feed them into the tent.” 

“Oh.” Riki nods when your trick works. “Thanks, Y/N.” 

The three of you pitch up your tent too, with Riki handing you the pegs to hammer them into the ground after zipping the door. Sunghoon dusts off his hands on his shorts and takes a big gulp from his water bottle. Sunoo’s mom packed enough fruit and onigiri for a midday snack, and all eight of you feast quietly after exerting more power than anyone anticipated. You really need to start working out again. 

“Before we clear out and organize everything else, we should probably figure out who sleeps where,” Jungwon says. “That way, we can put our stuff in our respective tents and have that out of the way.” 

“Good idea,” Jake says. “How should we do this? Rock, paper, scissors?” 

“Sure, but I think Y/N and I should share a tent.” Heeseung rolls his eyes at Jungwon and you see it from the corner of your vision.

“What?” Riki asks. “Why?” 

“Because all of you get too comfortable around her and forget she doesn’t want to hear you snore or see your boxers in the morning.” Jungwon laughs. “It’ll be easier since we’ve been camping together anyway. She’s used to rooming with me and I’m used to waking up next to a Zombie.” 

“I hate you.” Jungwon merely smiles at you.  

“You just want to get out of sharing a tent with three people,” says Sunghoon. Jungwon nods. 

“That too.” 

“Rock, paper, scissors it is,” Sunoo says, getting his hands ready. 

They all battle one another until the rooming situation is sorted. You and Jungwon will share a tent while Sunoo and Jay share the other smaller one. That leaves Jake, Sunghoon, Riki, and Heeseung sharing the big one. You all throw your belongings in before helping Jay organize the portable stove, chairs, and other things that need to be stored properly. 

When all is said and done an hour later, Jay and Sunghoon start a barbecue. All of you are spent, sagging your bodies in the camping chairs that are positioned around the campfire. You know you’ll need to fetch some wood from the outpost if you all want to have a bonfire. But that can be a task for later.

“Your mom makes the best onigiri,” Riki groans as he shoves another bite in his mouth. “It reminds me so much of home.” 

Sunoo smiles proudly. “She’s the best, isn’t she?” Jake, who is busy stuffing his face with sliced watermelons, agrees. They pick at the leftovers from snack time and Jay chides them for it.

“Don’t spoil yourselves too much or you won’t have an appetite for lunch.” 

“He’s so bossy,” Riki says as he leans over towards you. “But it’s kinda nice having someone who does shit and takes charge.” 

You nod. “Mhm. Usually Jungwon and I are the ones spearheading everything but Jay’s got some camping experience. I’m fine taking the backseat.” 

“Do you camp a lot? Besides this tradition, I mean.” Riki watches you shake your head. 

“No, not really. This is as much as I can handle. It’s more like a gigantic lake house with hot showers and a few convenience stores miles away to replenish food if we run out of anything.”

“It looks like you know what you’re doing.”

“That’s because I do, Riki.” 

He blushes. “Right. Thanks for helping me with my tent earlier.” 

“Don’t sweat it. You’ll be able to do it without my help in no time.” That brings a shimmer of hope to the younger boy sitting next to you. 

Heeseung avoids looking at you when Riki purposefully sits beside you on the empty lawn chair. He doesn’t completely understand why the younger boy likes you so much. Heeseng thinks you’re a nuisance and that you overstay your welcome at hangouts. But Riki clings to you like you’re his lifeline and he gets that you’re his half-sister and all, but you weren’t the most welcoming to him when he started hanging out in Korea more often. Riki would never tell Heeseung the details about his past and he never tried to pry past what the youngest would reveal. Six years of avoiding you made him forget every single detail he once knew about you when you’d both been somewhat friendly towards one another. 

There were some days when you wouldn’t make room in your schedule to see Riki as often as he’d wanted you to and he lamented that to Heeseung. But every time he’d start to talk about how unfair it was for you to pick and choose when you got to see our younger brother, Riki would defend you every time. He didn’t get it, feeling the frustration bubble to the surface before realizing that it wasn’t his place to question why Riki acted the way he did. Sure, he was younger than Heeseung, but he respected family matters and didn’t care about you enough to figure you out anyway. 

He keeps these feelings to himself mostly. The friends you share don’t really understand why he has a distaste for you and he refuses to elaborate because the memory is too painful, and instead chooses to bury these feelings. It’s nobody’s business anyway. He certainly doesn’t want to start anything with Riki involved because he would feel guilty for putting him in an uncomfortable position, and because he knows he’d defend you regardless. Even though you’ve made progress to open up yourself to Riki, Heeseung still scoffs whenever he sees the two of you together. 

By the time lunch is done, all eight of you are crowded around a table built into the ground, feasting on meat and vegetables. Everybody thanks Jay for cooking and the seven of you agree to clean up after every meal so Jay doesn’t have to work twice as hard. You’re not sitting too far from Heeseung (to both of your dismay). Sunghoon purposely sat in between you both when he realized the other empty spots were filling up and didn’t want to chance an uproar during mealtime. 

“So,” Sunoo starts to say after closing the bottle cap on his cola. “What’s on the agenda for today? Personally, I think we should take it easy until tomorrow.” 

“I agree.” Jungwon nods. “We’ve done a lot and drove for a while. I say we relax and do whatever until dinner.” 

“I’m going to nap, that’s for sure.” You all snicker at Jay. Typical. 

“Me too,” says Riki. 

“Is anyone up for walking around the lake?” Jake asks. 

“I could go,” Sunghoon says from next to you. 

“Sure,” you finally say, “why not.” 

“I think I’ll hang back here.” Heeseung says it almost immediately and it stings a bit. “I’ll probably nap too.” 

“I want to read.” Sunoo changes the direction of the conversation before anyone can pick up on the awkwardness and you throw him a smile. 

“I think I’ll join you.” Jungwon pulls a book from his backpack and the pair begin to brainstorm where they should sit. Natural chatter falls back into place and you focus on eating, as your stomach has been grumbling pretty loud. 

Heeseung breaks the silence. “Can someone pass me the pineapple?” You don’t register that your arm has moved on its own accord and pass the container to him. Heeseung gives you a look you can’t decipher and it’s only then you realize what you’ve done. Sunghoon gulps. 

“Thanks,” Heeseung mutters, taking the pineapple from your hands. You’re pleasantly surprised he doesn’t make a comment about how he isn’t craving it anymore and watch him eat some from the corner or your eye. 

By nightfall, all of you are too exhausted to sit around the campfire. The hot shower stalls provide the kind of warmth you would go crazy without and you find yourself contemplating underneath the water longer than you’d like to admit. A plethora of thoughts run across your mind and they drift from the events of today, Riki, Heeseung, and moving to Okayama. Your friends don’t bring up the move and you’re grateful for that. 

When you return from the shower and from brushing your teeth, Jungwon asks if you’re okay. You lie and say you’re fine but exhausted and he lets it go, too tired himself to pry the truth out of you. The last thing you think about is Heeseung. You send a silent prayer out into the universe and ask that the two of you are able to make nice during this camping trip. Then, you fall asleep.

***

Everybody is up bright and early after a good night’s sleep. All of you agree today’s the best day for a short hike to get used to the terrain before you explore harder trails. You and Jungwon know the hike like the back of your hand and lead the group expertly through trees and dirt pathways. All of you have a backpack for your essentials, and each of you has packed a portable lunch for when you reach the top of the peak at the end of the trail. 

Halfway into the hike is not as uphill as you recalled it to be. The scenery is still breathtaking and you temporarily forget that Heeseung is burning eyes in the back of your skull. Last night’s prayer seems to be working, as he hasn’t said a word to you or argued with you when you started leading everybody towards the start of the hiking path. You’re not sure whether his feelings about you changed or if he knows you’re the literal expert since you grew up here, but you don’t think you care either way. 

Heeseung makes a false step and twists his ankle. You hear the commotion behind you and turn around. He stumbles and a sharp edge of a branch catches his thigh, creating a gash that starts to bleed. Everyone crowds around him when they realize it and make him sit on a large rock and he feels like shouting at you to back away when you start to walk towards him.

“Guys, I’m fine. It’s not that bad.” He feels more embarrassed than hurt. 

Jake looks concerned. “Dude, your leg is bleeding.” 

“It’s just a cut.” 

“Let me inspect it.” 

You pull your backpack off of you and take out your water bottle and first aid kit. You drop to your knees to inspect the wound and Heeseung refrains from coughing at the awkward position from where he’s sitting. You don’t seem phased by it, however, as you push up the fabric of his shorts and use your water bottle to clean the dirt from his wound. 

Your face is somewhat close to his leg and he jumps when your hand touches his thigh. The guys mistake his sudden movements as pain and rush to help stabilize him. Heeseung insists that he’s fine and brushes them off of him. He won’t admit that his fidgeting is because the last thing he expected you to do was patch him up. He figures Jungwon would be good at that kind of stuff, not you. 

Heeseung winces at the sudden contact of water in his wound. “Okay, maybe it hurts a little.”

“You won’t need stitches or anything, but I should get you cleaned up and put a bandage on it.”

Heeseung watches as you do your best to clean it with the wipes you have and ointment that will keep any debris out. The wound isn’t too gnarly but it’s no small papercut either. He watches as you expertly deal with the wound and keeps quiet, even though he feels uncomfortable and wishes he could turn back time to avoid any of this. It’s awkward to know your hands are on him because he feels like ants are crawling up his leg.

“I think we should probably go back and rest a little,” says Jungwon. “We can eat lunch there and maybe hang out for a bit.”

“Good idea,” Heeseung mutters when you’ve stepped away from him. Sunghoon and Riki each help him up and allow the eldest to use them as crutches as he limps back to the base. He mutters a quiet ‘thank you’ in your direction and doesn’t pay attention to see your reaction. You feel like you got your hopes up for nothing because he turns his back towards you before you can smile at him. Defeated, you try to put your best self on display and follow everybody back to your tents. 

Heeseung decides to rest on the chairs and eat his lunch there. You aren’t particularly eager to spend any time with him and figure he’d appreciate it if you weren’t around while he recovered. You take your sack of lunch and tell Jungwon you’ll be walking around the lake like you did yesterday. He tells you to be safe and then you’re on your way. 

“Hey, wait up!” You turn around to see Jake running until he’s caught up with you. It’s a bit unfair how he barely runs out of breath when he jogs. It’s definitely because he’s an athlete, but it’s still unfair. 

“Care to join?” 

“Can’t a guy accompany his friend on a nice, brisk walk?” 

That makes you laugh. “Yeah, sure.” You fall in a quiet tandem enjoying the silence and the environment for a while. “I had a lot of fun camping last year. I think my favorite part was kayaking or when Jungwon accidentally dropped his entire s’more in the fire.” 

You snicker at the memory. “His mom was so mad that he kept eating the marshmallows.” 

“Yeah, it was pretty funny. I still feel kind of embarrassed that I managed to flip over in my kayak somehow.” 

“Eh, it makes for a good story.”

“It’s not my fault Jungwon slammed into me!” Jake defends when you begin to laugh. “Seriously, Y/N. How the fuck do you put up with that menace?” 

“The same way you do, dummy.”

Jake bites into his sandwich. “I love Jungwon.”

“Me too.” 

“Our parents loved having you come too. Jungwon’s dad loves fishing with people.”

“I still can’t believe how many we were able to catch. I’m sad the guys weren’t there because they keep shitting on me for not being able to catch any when we go together.” 

You bump your shoulder against his. “They don’t know what I know. I’m sure my mom has pictures somewhere.” 

“How is she, by the way?” Jake asks. 

“Eomma’s doing alright. She just got a huge bonus at work for managing a really difficult client and completing this campaign she’s been working on. It stressed her out for months but I’m happy if she’s happy.” 

“That’s awesome. I’m happy for her.” 

“How are things with your family? How’s Layla?” 

“My parents are actually on a trip to the States to see some family and my brother just got promoted at his job. I’m super proud of him. He worked really hard for it. Layla’s doing okay too. She’s staying with my cousin until I come back.” 

“I miss her.”

“She probably misses you too.” 

The two of you settle into a comfortable pace and eat your lunches. There are no awkward moments with Jake. Something about his personality makes everyone around him divulge their deepest secrets and he always seems to know what to say, too. You haven’t been close to him for very long but you know him well enough to know that he’ll keep anything you say between the two of you. 

“I know you probably feel a little awkward with Heeseung around but you’ve been handling it really well.” Jake’s tone softens and he looks straight ahead as he talks, breaking the temporary silence. “I don’t know what goes on in his head half the time.” 

“I just wish I knew what I did so I can apologize and fix it. He gets mad every time I ask and accuses me of bringing up bad memories for him. I don’t know what to do, Jake. It feels like he gets along with everybody in my life but me.” 

“We all know Heeseung’s been through a lot and has trouble talking about them sometimes. He’s been in therapy but we had to really convince him to set an appointment.” 

You scoff. “Sounds like him.’ Jake doesn’t disagree. 

“I guess I understand that having to deal with shitty cards makes a person go insane.”

“Sure. I just wish I wasn’t the scapegoat.” Jake winces but tries not to let you see. 

“Sorry you’re going through this. Sunghoon and I made him swear to be on his best behavior.” 

“It’s a little awkward still but at least he isn’t picking a fight with me. Although, who knows how long that’ll last.”

“Have a little more faith in him, Y/N.” You deadpan and he holds his hand up in mock surrender. “Okay, next topic. How are you feeling about Japan?” 

Your shoulders slump. ”Awful.” 

Jake’s head quirks like he doesn’t understand. “What do you mean? You were really excited when you got the job offer.” 

“I know but…it doesn’t feel right anymore. My whole life is about to change and I don’t know how I feel about that.”

“You don’t have to know anything. In fact, I’d be a little worried if you had your shit figured out.” You punch his arm. “It’s really cool that you’re leaving Korea to pursue your dream. I know how hard it is to leave everything behind for a better opportunity.”

You look at him softly and nod because you know he empathizes with you. Back when you first met him, he’d moved from Australia to Korea because your university had one of the best physics programs in the world. He knew how to speak your native Korean but wasn’t confident in conversing back then, and you had your fair share of mentoring him in formal greeting and the basics when it came to interacting with people. Jake definitely understands where you’re coming from and doesn’t want you to feel alone. 

“We’ll always be here for you too,” he reassures. “We won’t be too far away and you can come home whenever you have the time and aren’t working.” 

“I know, but it feels like everything in my life is changing at the same time and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. I wish I was a freshman again. I wish I could turn back time and really enjoy my life before I make a life changing decision.” 

“You’re really torn up about this, aren’t you?”

Nodding, you look at the ground beneath you. “There are so many things I’ve been dealing with over the past few years or so and it feels like I’m giving up on things if I just leave. Everything feels so scary, you know? I feel like I’m being suffocated every time I open my eyes. 

“On top of starting a new job in a place I’m not that familiar with, I’m leaving my mom behind. I’ve never lived farther than an hour away from her and I hate knowing that I won’t be able to see her whenever I want. Not to mention Riki studying in Korea means I’ll be spending even more time with him.”

Jake chooses not to comment and nods with his lips pressed into a thin line. He doesn’t know what’s going on between the two of you but has his suspicions after hearing your hushed conversations with Jungwon. Even before the two of you became as close as you are, Jake has always looked out for you because he knows Jungwon loves you like a sister. It was easy to tell that you’d fallen into some sort of depression as you graduated high school and barely managed to pull yourself out of it before graduating university. 

Riki has always been a sore subject for you. Jake doesn’t bring him up unless you do, no matter how much he adores the younger boy. The relationship you have with him is complicated but it tears him up inside to see Riki longing for you when the two of you are together. Jake knows there’s a great deal of tension that follows both of you too. He could feel it the first time you brought up having a half-brother and started to put the pieces together. 

“I love that Riki’s more comfortable in Korea. I really do,” you confess. “I love that my friends get along with him too, but part of me is scared that you’ll all forget about me since he’ll be here to take my place.” 

“You are not replaceable.” Jake looks at you when he says it. “You’re about to chase your dream, Y/N. None of us will throw our friendship down the drain just because we won’t be able to see you everyday. Riki is great but he’s not you.”

He’s pleased when you lift the corners of your mouth into a small smile. “Thanks, Jake. I don’t know where this fear came from.” 

“You’re dealing with a lot. It’s understandable. I don’t know much about what’s going on between you and Riki, and you don’t have to tell me, but you should know that he loves you a lot and would never think about dishonoring you while you’re gone.” 

“I know. I have a lot of pent up emotions and therapy feels like it isn’t working. I guess I should give myself some more time. But with the move, it’s been hard to focus on anything. I don’t want Riki to feel like I don’t want him in my life but it’s hard to make room for somebody you didn’t know existed until a few years ago.” 

Jake nods. “Yeah, I get that. It feels a bit weird making space for someone who calls himself your brother, isn’t it?” 

“He has every right to. I mean, he’s my half-brother. But I don’t know…I want to be at a place where I can look at him and not see how much my life has changed for the worst. He’s such a talented kid with a bright future and I hate that I project my feelings onto him.” 

“Baby steps,” Jake reassures. “You’ve been through a lot of shit. Both you and your mom have and you've both handled it really well.” 

“I’m glad it looks that way because I feel like I’m hanging on by a thread.” 

“Well, that’s what it means to be in your early twenties.”   

The two of you decide to head back to the campsite when it starts to get warmer. You throw your trash in garbage bins before trotting back and see that Sunoo and Jay have left to go back hiking on the trail that you were on earlier in the day. Heeseung seems to fare better with his wound, which you see he’s managed to replace (thanks to Jungwon, no doubt). But his mood seems to worsen when he sees you and Jake walking side by side towards the group. 

“How was the lake?” Jungwon asks, sipping on a cola.

“Pretty,” Jake replies. “There weren’t that many people there so it was a little empty.” 

“We should probably discuss what we want to do for the rest of the day and plan some stuff for later this week. It’ll be a little warmer later in the week so I think we should save that. There’s a great spot where Y/N and I go fishing. We could do that later in the morning.”

“Y/N, fishing?” Heeseung laughs. “I’d pay to see that.”

“What, you don’t think I can fish?” 

He shrugs. “I didn’t know you were a fan of the outdoors. You always had a nose in your textbooks so I thought that was it for you.” 

“Well, Heeseung, it’s not like the two of us know each other well enough to know these types of things.” He doesn’t seem to like that answer. 

“Fishing tomorrow it is!” Jake interjects. 

“I haven’t gone fishing in a long time,” Riki laments. “It’ll be nice to have trout for dinner.” 

“I think Jay brought a lot of seasoning and sides,” Jungwon says to the group. “We can always go to the market a few miles down for anything else.” 

You tune out the rest of the conversation, feeling a bit tired from the walk and the heat that’s starting to make you sweat. You’re eternally grateful that your tent is covered in shade and contemplate on taking a nap when Jungwon waves at you.

“You good, Y/N? You seem a little out of it.” You nod at Jungwon and take a seat next to the closest camp chair. You can feel Heeseung watching you and try not to slip as you sink down into the seat, crossing one of your legs over the other. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just have a lot going on in my head. I think I’m a little tired, too”

Heeseung scoffs quietly. “We’re camping. What could you possibly be thinking about that’s making Jungwon worried?” You curl into yourself as Jungwon chides his friend. 

“I’m moving to Japan soon,” you tell him. You’re not even sure that he knows this about you, figuring that one of your friends would tell him to you at some point. Neither of you communicate with one another unless you absolutely have to. You didn’t see the point in telling him. “I’ve been thinking a lot about that, I guess.”

An array of emotions seems to wash over him and, as always, you have a hard time trying to figure out what he’s feeling and thinking. “Oh. So you’ll be out of Korea?”

“Yup.” 

“When are you leaving?” 

“Don’t seem too excited,” Sunghoon says underneath a cough.

“In a couple of weeks. I leave a little after we get back home.” Heeseung merely nods. He doesn’t ask you why you’re moving or what part of Japan you’ll be living in and you don’t offer that information, feeling awkward with the tension ever since you and Jake arrived back at the campsite. Riki finishes eating and stands up to throw his trash away, providing something to look at in order to forget that Heeseung keeps trying to look away from you. 

“Y/N’s gonna be an engineer,” Jungwon brags on your behalf. “She’s taking a year off to work before getting her master’s degree.” 

“Damn,” Riki whistles. “You’re so smart.” You try to hide a smile. 

“What are you gonna be working on?” Sunghoon asks. 

“I’ll be assisting other researchers in software development, particularly for space and aeronautics.” You nod once, feeling tense underneath everyone’s stare. “I don’t know what I’ll be doing specifically but that’s why I’m moving to Okayama.” 

“That’s so cool!” Jake exclaims. Heseung rolls his eyes at his excited outburst and tries to avoid your eye. “You’re gonna be amazing.” 

“I hope so. It’s a great opportunity to work in my chosen field before I decide to continue in this career when I go back to school. I have so many interests within mathematics but this seems like the right place to start.”

“Shit,” Sunghoon says as he slowly claps for dramatic effect. “I knew you were smart but you’re a fucking genius.”

“I wouldn’t say genius–”

“You are, though.” Jungwon smiles at you and gives two thumbs up. “You’re the smartest person I know, dude. This company is lucky to have you.”

“So cool,” Jake says again. He bumps Heeseung’s shoulder with the back of his hand. “Isn’t that right, Heseung?” 

“Yeah, totally,” he says carelessly, giving you a half-hearted smile. His mouth doesn’t quite reach his eyes and you refrain from audibly sighing. 

“Don’t you think Y/N was always the smartest person in our year?” Heeseung nods. Jake nudges his friend again. 

“Yes,” Heeseung says with a great amount of venom in his tone. He shakes off Jake’s hand from his body abruptly, causing the younger boy to take a step back in shock. He looks at you and musters an insincere smile when he notices the rest of your friends watching. “Y/N is so smart.” 

His sarcasm deafens your ears and makes your blood feel like it could be boiling beneath your skin. The atmosphere around you changes. Riki and Jungwon try to pretend like everything is normal while Jake and Sunghoon give Heeseung wide eyes as if to tell him to knock it off. You look at your lap, uncomfortable with the silence that washes over. 

“Why’s it so quiet?” Sunoo asks from behind you. The group collectively sighs and you’re all thankful that he and Jay returned from their hike to cut the tension. 

“We were just talking about what we wanted to do for the rest of the day,” Jungwon says before anyone can speak. “Let’s take it easy tonight and go fishing tomorrow.” 

“Sounds good to me.” Jay takes a seat and takes a big gulp of water. “Let’s heat up some kimchi jjigae for dinner because I don't feel like cooking. Jake’s mom made enough for all of us to have seconds.” 

None of you disagree. Feeling yourself grow more tired the more your friends converse with one another, you manage to catch Jungwon’s eye and nod at him before heading inside the tent. 

***

It’s not unusual for you to wake up with what feels like a heavy heart but you’re having a hard time pushing yourself off of the uncomfortable ground to get ready for the day. Jungwon is asleep beside you with his knee digging into your side but even that isn’t enough to motivate you to leave the tent. 

You mourn the loss of your mom and his parents accompanying you  on this trip. As fun as hanging out with your friends are, having Heeseung constantly avoiding eye contact and muttering things underneath your breath has you feeling more on edge than you anticipated. It always feels like he’s waiting for you to mess up so he can get a word in or wait for the perfect moment to drop a subtle insult that only you can catch. Sunghoon and Jake in particular try their best to restrain him but that doesn’t do much. Eating dinner was awkward and you blamed your quiet nature on sleeping too deeply. 

Finally, you sit up in your spot and rub the sleep out of your eyes. It doesn’t seem like any of the other guys are up and you pull a clock out to read the time. It’s still early and the people around you are still waking up as well. Your movements seem to have woken up Jungwon, who yawns when he opens his eyes.

“Morning,” he croaks. “Did you sleep okay?”

“It was fine. Woke up a few times because of people stepping on twigs, though.”

“Yeah, same. I think Jake got up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom. Woke up to him walking by the tent.” Jungwon sits up and brushes the hair out of his eyes. “I’m so hungry thinking about all the trout we’re about to eat tonight.” 

“If you catch any.” He swats your arm. 

“I alway catch more than you.”

“Nuh-uh. Last year I beat you by two fish.”

“Y/N, I’ve caught more fish than you every year before that.” 

“Shut up.” 

You hear Jungwon laughing as you exit the tent to freshen up at the bathhouse. There are a few people milling about when you walk towards the structure. Your mouth feels a bit grimey from your morning breath and the cold water that hits your face wakes you up immediately. When you turn around after you’ve finished your morning routine, you collide right into Heeseung.

“Watch it.” 

“I didn’t see you. Geez.” Your heart continues thumping as you grip your toiletry bag. Heeseung rolls his eyes and slips past you. Anger rises within you but you decide that it’s not worth getting so worked up over at this hour. 

As time ticks by, the rest of your friend group emerge from their tents and gather around the campfire. You all wait for everyone to wake up and prepare themselves for the day, enjoying a nice breakfast with a cool breeze until you’re all ready to go fishing. You secure the bucket hat Jungwon’s dad gave you until it fits snugly over your head and forego a jacket, only packing the necessities while you wait for everybody else to gather their belongings before you’re all walking to the boathouse. 

The instructors are the same from last year. You and Jungwon make small talk and explain that neither of your parents are here on this trip and you tell them about Japan when they ask you about life after college. Each of your friends introduce themselves and after a quick introduction, they’re leading all eight of you out onto the dock. 

There are enough boats for two pairs of three and one for two people. It seems as though you were too preoccupied talking to the employees because you realize the only boat left is one shared with Heeseung and Riki. 

“Oh,” comes your meek voice in realization as you watch the two step onto the boat.

“You should man the engine,” the employee says as the two men get on before you. “You’re more familiar.”

“I can steer,” Heeseung says. “I’ve done it before.” 

“I’ve watched Y/N steer these boats for a decade, son. You’ll definitely want her to do it.” 

Heeseung relents. It’s a small victory, but a victory nonetheless, 

You step onto the boat. Heeseung sits at the far end while Riki sits in the middle, holding onto the seat as you get your bearings. The three of you wave goodbye to the employees at the dock and you start to drive the boat out into the lake to catch up with the rest of your friends.

The open clearing away from the port is more beautiful than you can describe. With open waters and enough room to roam around, there’s an array of directions to catch the most fish. The water is fairly calm with the exception of the ripples your boat makes. Riki and Heeseung don’t say a word as you steer them towards a clear path with minimal boats and see the other guys scattered around the large body of water. 

Neither of them argue with you about where to go, even though Heeseung is holding himself back. Bitter over having you steer, he knows it’s the logical answer since you know this place like the back of your hand. He instead chooses to bask in the sunlight and welcomes the spray of water on his face and body. The cool splashes are a nice contrast to the warm sunlight. 

When you start to slow the boat down, the water around you becomes still as well. You turn the engine off and wait for the contraption to settle beneath you. The sound of water rippling against itself is enough to make you feel more at ease and you don’t mind it when you see Heeseung start to assemble bait on the fishing poles.

“Why’d you pick this place?” Riki asks.

“I caught a lot of fish here last year. I hope we can catch more this year.”

“More than Jungwon?”

You smile. “Yeah. He and I have this unspoken competition.”

“What’s the prize?”

“There’s not really a prize. It’s just something we do.”

“What’s the point of competing if there’s no prize?” Heeseung interjects. You shrug.

“Dunno. It’s fun for us.” He doesn’t say anything after that. 

It’s quiet for a while. The sound of birds chirping and faint chatter in the background fill the atmosphere but the three of you silently agree to refrain from talking once you’ve all casted your reels. Riki, who is a bit excited to catch some fish, anxiously peers at the water below him every few minutes or so. He pulls back with a pout when he doesn’t feel a tug on his line. The awkward tension somewhat dissipates and you’re able to forget that Heeseung is a few feet away from you. He angles his face towards the water and seems to be in his own bubble as you hold your fishing rod. 

Growing up on this campsite means learning the virtue of patience and willing yourself to become more in tune with your surroundings. It was your father that first taught you that the most important rule to fishing was patience. He’d tell you the fishes could sense urgency and impatience from underneath the water, and therefore they knew not to take your bait. It made sense to you at a young age. Every time you’d be on the water with him, you’d force yourself to slow down and calm your thoughts until the silence felt like a welcomed embrace. 

That mantra of practicing patience seeps into your life now that your dad isn’t in it anymore. Jungwon’s father had volunteered to go fishing with you the first year your own chose not to go on the annual camping trip. Everyone could tell how difficult it was for you and your mother to attend, but despite hardship and the change in dynamics, she didn’t want either of you to lose any semblance of normalcy. You’d argue that was the hardest week of your life. Jungwon, who is usually very organized and detail oriented, chose to let you lead the trip activities between the two of you and didn’t complain once.

The two of you were in high school when your father left and Jungwon swears it was like somebody stole the sun from your eyes. Your studies became the sole focus of your life and even Heeseung was barely at the forefront of your mind anymore. He’d watch you become detached from everything that didn’t have to do with academics and extracurriculars. Focusing on college applications was the most important thing for you back then. 

Of course, Jungwon and all of your friends gave you a bit of space to process new feelings and the change in household. Your father moved away and wasn't living in the house anymore. It started to become an empty shell, where neither you nor your mother could stand eating at the dining table because it brought up unwanted memories. Your dad wasn’t here to help you with homework anymore and you could no longer hear your parents talk outside of your door until you fell asleep. The complete silence startled you. It still does sometimes, but you’ve learned that grief is about facing your hardships until it isn’t so scary anymore. 

These trips are bittersweet every year. Fishing is a reminder of everything you’ve lost. But lately, you’re starting to think about it as everything you could gain and then some.  

“The more you look down, the more the fish are gonna be scared,” you say, breaking the quiet atmosphere. Riki looks at you quizzically. 

“Really?”

“No, but you’re not gonna catch anything faster just by looking down.” His shoulders sag. 

“We’ve been here for so long and nothing has tugged on my line.” 

“Fishing is a game of chance. The fish choose to take your bait if it feels enticed enough.” As if on cue, your fishing rod starts to move. Riki watches you latch onto it while Heeseung turns back when he feels the boat rock underneath him and observes you too. You wrestle with it for a short while before reeling the fish above water and proudly hold it beside you. “Patience is the most important part of fishing. The fish finds you when you least expect it.” Heeseung snorts when you put the fish in the bucket. It takes a great deal out of you not to roll your eyes. 

“You’re so wise,” Riki mutters. 

“I don’t think I’m wise, per se. I just think there’s nothing else you can do when you’re in open water with nothing to distract you.” 

“I’m working on my patience. Moving to Korea made that pretty difficult for me.” 

“Well, you’re moving to a new country. It’s something you’ve never done before, you know? I bet packing was stressful.” 

“I hated every second of it,” he says as he rolls his eyes like you’ve brought out an irritating memory. “I triple checked everything before leaving. I hope I didn’t forget anything back home.” 

“Are you scared to start the semester?”

Riki thinks about it for a second. “Kind of. My Korean is okay, but I still have trouble saying certain words. The culture is different, too. I need to get used to that more. I guess I’m a bit sad that I had to leave my friends and family behind but it’s for the best, isn’t it? I wanted this.” 

You find yourself nodding in agreement. “Yeah. It’s hard to leave everything you know behind.” 

“I cried when I said goodbye to my dance teachers,” Riki admits with a laugh. “I think it was the first time I did that in front of them. We kept bowing to each other until I had to go. It’ll be weird finding a new studio in Seoul but I’m excited about it.” 

“You’re an incredible dancer, Riki. There’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll thrive here.” 

He tries to hide his blush. “Thanks. I’m happy that I know some people already but it’s not the same, you know?” 

“That’s how I feel about moving to Okayama. I know it’ll only be a year, but it feels like I’ll be there for a lifetime.” 

“Do you ever get scared that everything back home will change?” Heeseung, too, is curious about your answer. 

“Honestly? Yeah. Sometimes it feels like everything’s gonna change completely the second I step on that plane. I feel like everyone will forget me and move on.”

Riki looks back at the water. “I wonder if people back home think of me.” 

“They do.” He looks back at you.

“Everyone here will think about you too.” 

A beat passes between the two of you and you start to see Riki for what he is: a smart, sensitive person who disguises himself as somebody who can mask his feelings. What you learn is that your half-brother wears his heart on his sleeve but is careful about who he gives himself too. It’s something you’ve noticed in the time you’ve known him, but this trip is starting to make you think you two are more alike than not. 

“What about you, Heeseung?” Riki asks, turning to look at the eldest. “What are you gonna be doing now that you graduated?” 

“I, uh, start working at a record label pretty soon.” He clears his throat. Knowing you’re looking at him makes this boat feel smaller all of the sudden. 

“You majored in music production, right?” Heeseung nods. 

“Yeah. I’ve always had an interest in music so I learned how to produce during freshman year and started taking it seriously.”

“I’ll bet your perfect pitch helps you a lot.” Heeseung whips his gaze over to you when you speak and you feel your skin burn. You don’t know if you should’ve contributed to the conversation or not. 

“Sure does,” he says awkwardly, looking at the fishing rod between his legs. Heeseung remains quiet when Riki doesn’t prod him further and looks back at the water in front of him. Even in the forced proximity, you still can’t figure out why he chooses to be avoidant. 

Heeseung, on the other hand, finds that there’s much to contemplate about. His life has barely begun and yet he feels the weight of his future hanging in the balance. He’s just moved into his first apartment and will need to furnish it when he gets back from the camping trip. He’s got a mattress with no bed frame and a single loveseat his parents gave him. Aside from his gaming setup, Heeseung’s one bedroom apartment is completely bare. 

Looking at it makes him worry for his future and being around you. You, someone he’s always assumed had it easy because you were academically gifted, makes Heeseung feel like he’s got to step up his game. He hasn’t liked you ever since high school for reasons he justifies as perfectly valid. But high school was years ago and some of his anger has subsided. All that’s left is a faint annoyance and he'd rather be anywhere than next to you. He only said yes to this trip because of the other people who were going as well. 

He’s kept his feelings simmering beneath the surface and chooses to focus on anything but you when he hears you talk. It’s frustrating enough knowing you share a lot of mutual friends, even worse when some of his best friends are people you consider family. He hates that Jake is comfortable enough to hang out with you without anyone else present and loathes that Sunghoon actively wants to become closer to you after he realized the two of you share the same taste in cinema. He especially despises the fact that Riki looks up to you even though, in Heeseung’s eyes, you’ve done nothing to earn it. 

The young teenager met the eldest of the bunch at a bonfire the third time he came to Korea after your mom had forced you to bring him along. You told him absolutely no alcohol no matter if anyone else was going to be drinking and to say no if your friends offered him a beer. He watched you that night, the way you periodically looked at your half-brother but made a lame attempt to include him in conversation. Riki found fast friends in Sunoo and Jungwon after messing around in the shallow waters of the ocean. Heeseung decided that you didn’t deserve that type of respect from Riki at that moment. 

It’s been years since then and he’s seen the two of you grow, albeit slowly. Even in his blind hatred for your existence, Heeseung has always wondered why Riki vies for your attention. In fact, what is it about you that makes everybody fawn over you? Why do you always seem to be the center of attention? Does nobody care about what you did to him all those years ago?

It keeps him up at night to know that nobody around him understands why he’s so angry at you. Above the root cause, you have everything you could ever want. You were the smartest girl in high school and university, and it was no question about what your future would look like. You’d accepted a job opportunity right after graduating and it seemed as though things were merely handed to you without you working that hard for it. You didn’t have to ask for anything. It always seemed as though people could read your mind and always gave you what you wanted. 

Maybe coming to the camping trip was a mistake. He’s been walking on eggshells around you this entire time and feels like he’s suffocating every time his friends laugh at your jokes. Heeseung bites his tongue when he feels himself getting worked up and finds that nothing can get his mind off of you no matter how hard he tries. 

He wonders if you remember that day all those years ago. He wonders if you know just how hurtful words can be and how awful it is to be on the receiving end of utter despair and desperation. Heeseung has always known you to be somebody who knows exactly what you want, too. Teenage angst never stopped you from pursuing higher education. It seemed like you threw everything you had into academics and everyone rewarding you for it made Heeseung want to crumble. Nobody else thought of you the way he did. 

But this is something he’d rather keep to himself. For as much as he refuses to be your friend, he knows nothing good will ever come out of trying to convince everyone you aren’t someone who they should be friends with. After all, you’ll be working in Okayama and with any luck, you’ll make a permanent residence out of Japan. 

Heeseung is distracted from his thoughts when Riki manages to catch a rather large fish. With your help, he’s able to reel it in and watches the younger boy become awestruck at its sheer size. Heeseung watches you congratulating Riki and celebrates this excitement with him as you put the fish in the bucket for safe keeping. It should warm his heart to see a friend of his so happy, but seeing you smiling next to him makes Heeseung feel all the more irritated. The three of you head back to the dock after another couple of hours and a few more dishes later.

Jungwon catches more fish than you do. All eight of you manage to acquire enough for dinner and breakfast in the morning. Jay and Jake have volunteered to help with cooking while the rest of you prepare side dishes and talk about fishing adventures from your time apart. You smile at the group halfway through the conversation, fondness blooming in your chest when everybody is laughing after having eaten dinner. 

“God, I swear I almost fell into the water trying to wrestle with the trout!” Jake shouts amongst the chaotic laughter. “It felt like I was about to become one with the fish.” 

“I almost pushed his ass into the lake,” Jay snorts. “It was so fucking funny.”

“I’m surprised Sunoo caught the most fish out of all of us.” Jungwon shrugs and bites into his s’more. 

“You’re telling me,” Sunoo replies as he wipes chocolate from his lip. “That’s my quota for this trip, though. Don’t expect me to go fishing again.” 

“I’m not ready for this trip to end,” Riki says with a mixed sigh. “We’ve already been here for a couple of days and it feels like time is going by so fast.” 

“I start that consulting job the Monday we go back and I’m excited for it, but I’m also nervous. It hit me on the way back from the lake.” Jay rubs his face with his hands. “This adult shit is scary, man.”

“Do you guys remember when we were all freshmen and had that awful orientation leader?” Heeseung asks. Those who were in the same year as him nod. “That felt like just yesterday and now we’re about to be real adults.”

“Jay’s going to become a financial consultant, you’re working at a record label, Sunghoon’s going to open up his own cafe someday, and I’m about to start a fellowship at a research lab.” Jake shakes his head like he can’t believe it. “Not to mention Y/N’s moving to Japan for work. If you told me four years ago we would talk about the future like this, I would’ve laughed.” 

“It feels a bit weird knowing we aren’t going back to school.” Sunghoon looks at the younger boys and laughs. “Well, sorry to you guys.” 

Sunoo speaks up with a pout. “It’ll be weird not seeing you guys around campus. I’ll miss running into you on my way to class.” 

“Sometimes I wish we could stay in college forever.” Jay reaches over and picks out another marshmallow to put on his stick. “It sucked ass but it was nice living close to you guys.”

“I’m scared to go out there alone.” You tug at the zipper on your jacket and stare at your hands. “I feel like I’m going to mess everything up and fail. I’ll come home and have nothing to show for myself.” 

“Couldn’t have said it any better.” Sunghoon finishes off his s’more and wipes the crumbs off of his lap. “I wish everything was simple and easy. We really had it good back then, didn’t we?”

“Don’t get too caught up in growing up too fast,” Jake says as he pinches Riki’s cheeks for dramatic effect. The latter tries to dodge his touch but fails. He points to Jungwon and Sunoo. “You guys need to make every minute count.”

Jungwon laughs. “You sound like a Hallmark card.”

“Yeah, but one day you’ll be saying the same thing. You’ll go back to campus and you won’t see us walking around.” Jungwon remains quiet after that. 

“You’ll all be fine.” Sunoo nods once and it feels like he’s smiling at everyone individually through the fire. “Life is scary but there’s a reason why we believe in you.”

Jay nudges Sunoo with his knee. “Since when did you get so wise?”

“You could learn a thing or two from me.”

The tension dissipates. Everyone finishes up their desserts and helps tidy up the campsite. Jake and Sunghoon put out the fire while the rest of you put the chairs away and throw out any leftover trash in the nearby garbage bin. One by one, the eight of you start to grow sleepier as time ticks by. You all let your younger friends wash up first as you stifle yawns and prepare your makeshift bedding while you wait. 

It feels like forever to wait with Heeseung close to you. Everybody else bids you goodnight as you brush your teeth in the wash station and rinse your face of dirt and debris from earlier in the day. Heeseung is standing just a few feet away as he waits for you to finish up but knowing he’s watching you makes your heart rate increase. Your hands tremble as you turn the faucet off and it’s just your luck that you trip over yourself and hold onto Heeseung when you turn around to exit the washroom. 

“Watch where you’re going, Y/N,” Heeseung snaps. He shrugs your hands off of him and pushes you away from his body. 

“What the fuck is your problem with me?” If Heeseung is surprised by your sudden outburst, he doesn’t show it. Your typically calm, non-confrontational demeanor is nowhere to be seen. 

“Why can’t you walk properly?” he mocks. 

“You have been so passive aggressive towards me this entire trip. Hell, you’ve been that way since we were in high school. What the fuck is your deal and why can’t you man up and tell me why you hate me so much?” 

His expression sours. “You have some nerve asking me that.” 

“Why?! You won’t tell me what your deal is and I can’t fix it if you don’t communicate that with me. We have so many mutual friends who want us to get along and it’s fine if we’ll never be friends, but really, Heeseung, you’re acting like a child.” 

Heeseung’s nostrils flare and it feels demeaning the way he has to look you down in order to meet your eyes. The twinge in your heart flares when he makes no effort to talk to you further. The tension in his shoulders rises and falls with every second that passes by and you’re starting to wonder if there’s any way you can leave the trip early. 

He doesn’t say anything, though. Heeseung pulls away from you and enters the washroom, leaving you alone with your thoughts and the sound of water running. Years of pushing aside your feelings for the greater good of preserving the peace feels like they’re suffocating you with every step you take as you talk back to your tent. The cold chill of the night bristles through your hair and your watery eyes make you stumble before unzipping your makeshift bedroom. 

“Y/N?” Jungwon asks, half-asleep. He sees you wipe your eyes as you turn away from him and put away your dirty clothes and toiletries. “What’s wrong?” 

“Nothing.” 

He pushes himself up and hears the clip in your tone. With his eyes softening, Jungwon gently touches your shoulder and realizes that your eyes are red before you shut your flashlight off. “Come here.” 

It’s somewhere between a command and a plea. Jungwon doesn’t force you to speak as he pulls your body into his. He doesn’t care that your tears are falling onto his arm and he doesn’t mind that you’ve settled your weight onto his chest. Your silent hiccups make his heart lurch and the best he can do is let you cling onto him in your time of need. 

You don’t get like this often. The last time he remembers you letting him hold you like this was a few days after your parents’ divorce had been finalized. The tangerine-shaped pillow you had was the only thing keeping Jungwon’s back from aching as you spent what felt like hours sobbing between his arms, dirtying his shirt with your hot tears. His heart broke back then, too. He’s not used to seeing you without a smile on your face and every crack in your demeanor lets him know you’re a dam that’s about to burst. 

It can’t be easy to live knowing your father willingly left and chose to leave you behind. Nearly two decades of saying ‘I love you’ and championing his only daughter to be the best version of herself felt like it was all for naught the night he told you he wouldn’t be living with you anymore. You could barely stand watching him pack his belongings and take everything valuable with him. You were unusually quiet during this period of time, too scared to make a sound and make things worse than they already were. 

Jungwon knows you keep your heart locked away in a cage these days. Your friends know you like the back of their hands but it’s been getting harder and harder to coax you out of your shell. He knows it hasn’t been easy with Heeseung within your main friend group and wishes he could do more to quell your anxieties about spending time with him, even if your other friends are there to shield you from his silent torment. 

Your best friend softens a bit when you cling onto his arm, holding him like he’s your lifeline. He pushes his fingers through your hair the way he’s seen your mom do countless times and rocks your body back and forth until you’ve started to calm down. He hears your shallow breaths and holds onto you for the fear that you’ll think he doesn’t want to comfort you if he lets you go. 

“Sorry.” Your voice is brittle and it makes his heart break. 

“You never have to be sorry, Bug. Are you okay?” You shake your head. “Is it something one of us did?” You nod. “Was it Heeseung?” He hates that you start to tear up again. “I’m sorry, Bug. I’m so sorry.”

“I don’t understand why he doesn’t like me,” you hiccup. “I don’t know what I did. How can I apologize when I don’t know what I’ve done?” 

Jungwon sighs. He’s with you on this one. “You’re right. I don’t know what’s gotten into him recently but I’m fed up with it too.” 

“We don’t need to be friends but I want him to stop pretending like I ruined his life.” Your best friend nods against you and pushes his cheek against the crown of your head. “Sorry that I woke you up. I feel like a mess.”

“You’re not a mess, Bug. You’ve been tied together with a smile for so long. It’s only natural that you break down every once in a while.”

“You’re very smart, Wonnie.” 

He laughs. “I know. Do you want to cry some more or go to sleep?” Jungwon’s tone lacks any humor tonight. He’s concerned about you in a way that makes you feel like a porcelain doll and while you appreciate it when he pokes fun at you to show how comfortable he is with you, this feels just as nice. 

“I’m ready to sleep.” 

You pull away from him and settle in your sleeping bag, welcoming the calmness that washes over you. Jungwon chooses to stay up just a smidge longer until he’s certain that you’re asleep before he closes his eyes, wishing for better days ahead of you.

***

The trees always seemed taller when you were younger. They stretched for miles and touched the sky from your point of view, almost as if they  could reach the heavens above. You always wondered what it must be like to have lived as long as nature around you. The leaves and branches see all walks of life, from humans to animals, and keep many secrets hidden underneath its shaded areas. It almost feels like they whisper stories back to you when the wind shakes the weakest branches. You always try to listen. 

When you find yourself hiking on another path around the lake, it becomes easier for you to clear your mind and think about all that lies before you. The sounds of birds chirping amongst the blue sky make the environment around you seem picturesque. In all of your ears camping here, you don’t think you’ve ever appreciated it the way you are at this very moment. 

Your friends are scattered in front and behind you, each of them wrapped up in their own conversations. You can feel Jungwon look at you periodically but you silently let him know that you’re doing alright. He worries about you a lot and he has every reason to. Sometimes, you wonder if any part of you is holding him back because he spends so much time looking after you. It used to be the other way around with you watching after him at playgrounds and on your walk home from school. But with your father leaving as soon as you started trying to figure out who you were, it was like a switch had flipped. 

Your best friend has had a few girlfriends here and there but none of them ever lasted long. He reminds you that he’s young and isn’t looking for a life partner at this stage in his life, but you know he worries about you ever since the news of your dad leaving and Riki entering your life turned your world upside down. You wonder if you’re causing him too much stress. 

He always reminds you that you’re the reason he has so many people that he loves. You introduced him to the majority of your friends on this camping trip. You were the one who introduced him to his first girlfriend and why he finds so much hope in all of the small things. Jungwon admires your resilience and ability to stand on your feet after you’ve been knocked to the ground by an unseen force. Your tenacity pushes him to be a better person towards others and to himself, and he’ll remind you every chance he gets. Jungwon believes that you’re okay for now. You know he’ll be there to pick up the pieces if you need him to.

It brings you back to your future and how Jungwon won’t be physically present when you move to Japan. You’ve spent so much time with him and it made you happy when he was accepted into his bachelor program at your university. The two of you have always been close, whether it was because neither of you had siblings and found solace in each another or because of forced proximity from being neighbors, you don’t know. It feels like you’ll be saying goodbye to somebody who you’ve always leaned on. It feels like you’re leaving him the way your dad left you. 

Dealing with the overwhelming guilt of moving to Okayama, the city your father moved to when he left you and your mom, digs a hole deep inside of your chest every time you think about it. It’s probably why you push off discussions about moving whenever you can and change the subject when other people bring it up. You try not to get too irritated whenever your mom talks to you about packing and everything else that’s important when settling in a new country, like a work visa or financial burdens. But every conversation with her about your eventual move feels like a million needles are slowly pricking your skin. Every step feels heavier than the next. 

There’s Heeseung, too, who has been plaguing your mind ever since you awoke. It’s not unlike him to be cold towards you. In fact, you’ve dealt with tuning him out and learned to ignore his quiet scoffs, paying attention to anyone who would give you some of their attention. The accumulation of life stress and the inevitable move has made it so your heart rate can’t seem to be still at any time in the day. Heeseung doesn’t make it any better by snapping at you for treading carefully. This feeling reminds you of the time you tiptoed around your father when you found out about his infidelity being the reason why he chose to leave you and your mother for Okayama. It feels like anticipating a bomb going off. It’s never a matter of if, but when. 

You don’t remember when things changed but you remember it was abrupt and unannounced. One day, the two of you were laughing with bologna sandwiches for lunch and the next, Heeseung was ignoring you like the two of you had never been friends. His stare was just as cold as his tone when speaking. You could never catch his eye when you were with your group of friends and he refused to be alone with you. The hurt that came with his actions felt like a punch in the gut with all you were dealing with back home. 

The reason why it was easy to tune out his friendship was purely because of prioritization. Dealing with empty rooms and the house feeling like a ghost was haunting the walls was by far a greater sadness than losing a friend. But even so, seeing Heeseung laugh with your friends and watching him excel in everything you used to support him in made you feel like you were being left behind. It hurt to attend his basketball games because he no longer looked for your eyes in the stands. He didn’t acknowledge you when your group of friends would head to the nearby diner for a celebratory meal, and he didn’t call you to say goodnight and to thank you for coming to his games and open practices anymore. 

The ghost of your friendship lingered over you like an unwanted guest. It followed you into university after you committed to the same one and it seemed like neither of you could escape one another. Seeing him live a life that you weren’t a part of made your reality sink in–the few years he spent distancing himself from you wasn’t merely a fluke or teenage angst. Heeseung wanted nothing to do with you. You had to learn how to be okay with that. 

Still, you wish you were as tall as the trees around you. Maybe then Heeseung would tell you why he didn’t like you anymore. 

“Y/N, watch out!” 

The warning nearly comes too late. You don’t register a hissing sound until you see a reflection of scales and stumble backwards into somebody who seems to be caught off guard as much as you are. Jake’s warning saved you from a nasty bite from a snake that has slithered away back between the trees but your heart stammers in your chest as you curl yourself further deeper into the person behind you. 

You hate snakes. You’re petrified of them 

Heeseung, to his misfortune, is the person you’ve bumped into. He saw the snake just before Jake said his warning and felt his body freeze in the way yours didn’t. He didn’t have time to move aside and let Sunoo, who he was talking to, move to grab your body and pull you out of harm’s way. He feels your beating chest against his and looks down at you. Heeseung doesn’t think he’s ever seen you like this before. It makes his stomach fall. 

“Y/N is really scared of snakes,” Jungwon says as he walks up to the two of you, offering a quick explanation before Heeseung could say anything about you clinging onto him. “She got bit by one as a kid and it scared her pretty bad.” Heeseung doesn’t push you away. Instead, he lets Jungwon pry you off of his body until you’re able to blink and come to your senses. 

“Sorry.” You throw an apology his way when Jungwon rubs your back. The rest of your friends, who seem to know about your fear, try to give you some space instead of crowding around you. A part of him wants to scoff. The other part of him feels bad for you. It almost makes him feel guilty for being so short with you last night.

“We’re almost at the end of the trail anyway,” Jungwon says. “Let’s finish it and get some lunch.” 

When you all arrive back at the campsite, Jake pulls your water bottle out of your backpack and stands with you while Jungwon lets you stand right beside him in an attempt to calm yourself down. Jay and Sunghoon, not wanting to impede and make things uncomfortable, decide to go on another short hike and let you rest. The sight is a bit unnerving for Heeseung, who has generally only ever thought of you as this self righteous, confident person, to see you in such a state of shock that you could barely look him in the eye like you did the night before. He’s used to you avoiding and ignoring him but he isn’t accustomed to you scurrying away from anything or anyone. 

He’s a bit confused as to why he feels a little guilty for how he spoke to you last night. You were his friend before he decided you weren’t and that feeling of concern is starting to creep back in. Heeseung watches the way you flinch when Jake tries to rub your shoulder and how Jungwon is the only person who seems to know how to get you to relax after the snake incident. 

“Is she really that scared of snakes?” Heeseung asks Sunoo, who stands away from you to give you space. He pretends to be busy picking at his nails to let you have peace and not make you feel overcrowded with two of your friends already by your side. 

“If I tell you, are you going to use that against her?” Sunoo doesn’t typically question Heeseung like this. It startles him but he shakes his head anyway. 

“No,” says Heeseung. “I’m not. I’ve never seen her act like that.”

Sunoo must think the elder is telling the truth. “When Y/N was very young, a snake bit her ankle when her parents weren’t looking. She got scared and tripped over a rock or something, and her entire leg started to bleed and got a pretty bad gash from it. They rushed her to the emergency room and panicked because her leg was covered in blood.”

“That’s it?”

Sunoo glares at Heeseung. “It might not seem like a big deal to you, but that kind of stuff leaves an impression on you when you’re a kid, Heeseung. She’s been pretty terrified of snakes and blood ever since.” 

“Huh. I never knew that.”

“Don’t go barking up that tree. It’s bad enough that you hate her for no good reason.” 

Heeseung looks at Sunoo quizzically when he hears his friend’s harsh tone. “What’s the matter with you?” 

Sunoo scoffs. “Me? What’s the matter with you? I heard you and Y/N last night. You were an ass to her. She’s right, too. How can she apologize for hurting you if you never talk about what she did? 

“Sunoo–”

“Save it, Heeseung.” He straightens his posture. “You’re my friend and I love you, but you’ve been really harsh on Y/N for the past few years. I thought the two of you drifted apart but you clearly have a vendetta against her.”

“I do not have a vendetta against Y/N.”  

“Sure. Whatever you say. Just remember that Y/N’s the reason why you’re on this trip. One veto from her and Jungwon would’ve kicked your ass to the curb. You’re lucky she doesn’t say this shit to anyone.” 

Heeseung looks at his shoes, feeling the heat in his body creep up his neck. He knows Sunoo’s somewhat right. You’re half the reason why this trip exists at all. Even if Jungwon brought the friend group along, it’s you who this campaign tradition belongs to as well. Heeseung bites his tongue and tries his best not to argue with Sunoo. Deep down, the elder knows that he’s been a bit harsh to you and sometimes finds himself regretting the venom he aims directly at you. But then he remembers that incident from all those years ago and feels his anger bubble up inside of him. He pulls his friend away so that none of you hear him. 

“I have a reason not to like her okay?” Heeseung whispers through his teeth. 

“What reason could you possibly have that justifies how shitty you’ve been?”

Heeseung looks around like he’s afraid someone’s listening in. “Second semester, sophomore year of high school. You and Jake were with me doing homework right outside the front gate. We were waiting for my brother to pick us up from school when Y/N told Kim Chaewon that I would never amount to anything because I didn’t have any talent and had to flirt with girls to get them to listen to my music.”

Sunoo looks at Heeseung like he’s sprouted a second head, who looks at the younger boy like he’s waiting for confirmation or validation of sorts with his eyebrows raised as if expecting a certain outcome. Instead, Sunoo slaps him on the back of his head with his palm and scowls. 

“You are so stupid, Heeseung.”

“What the fuck did I do?!” Heeseung soothes the spot where Sunoo hit him. “It was messed up for her to say that. Why are you calling me stupid?”

“Y/N didn’t say that about you. Chaewon did.” 

Heeseung’s eyes grow comically wide. “I know what I heard.” 

“No, you don’t. I remember the moment you’re talking about. You left so fast and didn’t stop when Jake and I called out for you. Chaewon couldn't get another word out because Y/N tore her a new one. Why do you think they aren’t friends anymore?” 

“Well…Because Y/N said that about me. Chaewon was my friend, too.” 

Sunoo shakes his head. “Chaewon said that about you. Not Y/N.”

“That’s not possible…”

“How would you know? You weren’t there. You left before you could hear the full argument.” 

“Sunoo,” Heeseung says, voice quivering from a mixture of guilt and embarrassment. “Please tell me that’s not true.” 

“Do you know how stupid you look knowing you blew off Y/N, the person who defended you, and still talked to Chaewon?” Sunoo shakes his head at Heeseung. “You ended your longest friendship over a misunderstanding and then got closer with the person who actually said those things about you. Imagine how Y/N must’ve felt.” 

Heeseung’s mind starts to recount the days after your argument with Chaewon and how he’d gone out of his way to ignore you in the aftermath. He never gave you an explanation about his absence and why he pulled away, citing that incident as the reason why you didn’t deserve to know in the first place. He thinks about Chaewon and how he didn’t think twice about it because his mind had already been made up. He was still friends with Chaewon, taking pictures with her at parties and talking to her whenever their friend groups hung out together. Not once did he spare a glance to you. 

As his mind starts to wander into nostalgic territory, Heeseung feels his stomach plummet. The sudden urge to rectify his actions overwhelms him and he’s fighting tooth and nail not to cry on the spot. 

When he looks at you now, quiet and hidden within your shared friends, Heeseung can’t help but feel a bit guilty. He suddenly remembers the few moments where you showed a vulnerable side of yourself and allowed him to see you cry after a bad grade or when your middle school friends were being mean towards you. Heeseung recalls all the times he’s ever thought of you as somebody who puts on a brave face and stands back up after feeling the weight of the world crush you to the ground. He thinks about all of the times he’s ever made you feel insignificant to him and feels pins and needles in his footsteps. Heeseung finds himself walking towards you as he’s contemplating his feelings and Jungwon guards you, pushing you behind him. 

“Hey,” Heeseung says awkwardly. He tries to peek at you but doesn’t like seeing you look so helpless. Pathetically, he offers a meek apology. “Sorry about the snake.” 

“It’s fine. Sorry I grabbed you.” For the first time in a long time, Heeseung doesn’t feel annoyed by the thought of you latching onto him. 

“It’s okay. I, uh…wanted to know if you were fine.” Heeseung clears his throat. “Is there anything I can do?” His unfamiliar kindness confuses you and it confuses Jungwon too.

“You know, maybe it would be a good idea if you left the campsite for a while,” Jake suggests from beside Heeseung. “You’re a bit shaken up and you could probably use a change of scenery.” 

“That’s not a bad idea, actually,” Jungwon agrees. “You could leave for a few hours and come back once you’ve calmed down, Bug.” 

You pick at your fingernails. “I feel so stupid for being so scared.”

“It’s not stupid, Y/N.” Jake tilts his head and looks at you with a pout. “It’s something you’re scared of and with good reason. I would’ve been scared shitless if it was closer to me.”

“You could go into town and get some ice cream,” says Jungwon. “You should go to the beach by the highway for a little bit and get your mind off of it.” 

“I-I don’t really want to go alone.”

Heeseung speaks before he can even think about what he’s saying.

“I’ll go with you.” Jungwon and Jake whip their head to their friend. 

“Heeseung–”

“I can drive us,” he says, mouth moving faster than his brain. “I won’t say anything, I swear. I’ll take her to the beach and ice cream if she wants to.” 

Jungwon hesitantly looks at Heeseung. “Are…Are you sure?” 

“Yeah.” He lies straight through his teeth. He doesn’t know if he can sit with you when his whole life has been turned upside down. But it’s too late to backtrack. “I’ve been feeling a little restless here anyway.” 

“I don’t know…”

“Jay isn’t here and he has his keys.” Jake looks at you and nudges your shoulder. “What do you want to do, Y/N?” 

You look up at Heeseung for the first time and he sucks in a breath. It’s like you’re devoid of yourself, fear and anxiety clouding your eyes like you’re petrified to even speak. He watches you lick your lips slowly as if contemplating carefully. “I want to go.”

“Bug, you don’t have to.”

“I know, Wonnie.” You touch his arm and he relents. “I think I need to leave for a little bit and calm down. I should walk on the beach, or something.”

“I can come with you guys.” Riki, who has been silent during this ordeal, speaks up and appears to the other side of Heeseung. “I saw the beach just before we got here. It looks pretty.” 

“That’s a good idea,” Jake nods, looking at you. He softens his tone. “Would that be alright with you?” 

You hum .”Mhm. Yeah, that’s fine. Let me get my wallet.” 

When you leave for your tent, Jungwon looks at Heeseung and stares at him with an expression he can’t read. The silence is deafening and he awkwardly coughs, looking away from his younger friend. 

“Don’t fuck this up,” says Jungwon with a clipped tone. “You’ve been a dipshit and she’s been putting up with it for the sake of everybody else. The last thing she needs is for you to make fun of her and make her feel even worse than she already does.” 

“I won’t, Jungwon. I swear.” 

“I’m choosing to trust you because you’re my friend too, despite everything you feel towards Y/N.” He nods at Riki. “You, keep an eye out for them.”

“I won’t do or say anything,” Heeseung promises for a second time. You come back a moment later, oblivious to the tension. 

“Be safe, yeah?” Heeseung hears the change in Jungwon’s tone when talking to you. “Call me if you need anything. Your phone’s charged from the portable, right?”

“Yeah.” You hold up your phone to show him. “I’ll let you know when we’re coming back.” 

The beach itself is nestled towards the end of the highway where the sand meets the trees. The small shops around it bring a sense of nostalgia, especially when Heeseung parks in front of a large, tattered orange sign that says “ICE CREAM SOLD HERE.” The three of you walk inside and Heeseung watches you look over the flavors. 

“They change the flavors all the time based on the season,” you say absentmindedly. The three of you are the only customers and he figures the employee must be in the back. 

It’s a bit strange to be spending time with you apart from everybody else. Even though Riki’s accompanying the two of you, he hasn't been alone with you like this in years. You seem to be doing a little better with distance put between you and the campsite. Heeseung hopes the drive wasn’t too terrible. His knuckles turned white with the grip he had on the steering wheel, too afraid to look into the rearview mirror for the fear of catching your eye. He wonders if you’d be able to read his mind in the way you once did. 

You make small talk with the owner of the shop who recognizes you before ordering. Riki and Heeseung follow too, the youngest trying a few flavors before settling on one. You go to pay for your own until Riki pulls out his wallet and pays for the both of you. Heeseung watches the two of you argue before the owner accepts Riki’s card. He’s pulled out of his thoughts before paying for his own cup. 

The beach is right next door and the three of you leave your shoes inside Heeseung’s trunk before stepping onto the warm sand. The sun’s high in the sky and Heeseung’s grateful that he chose to put on extra sunblock before leaving his tent. Riki follows you towards the water. He chooses to stay behind and give you both space even though his heart is telling him not to. 

Heeseung has always believed in telling the truth because it’ll always see the light at the end of the day. He’s a fan of honesty and it’s something he values in all of his friends. He thought he’d found that in you ever since the day the two of you started becoming friends and felt his world shatter around him when he thought you were making fun of his aspirations to become a music producer. You’d spent countless hours in his bedroom with him as he learned how to use proper equipment and went so far as to buy him a few things here and there disguised as birthday and Christmas gifts. You spent so much time listening to him grow as a musician in the comfort of his bedroom. The thought that you were pretending to care about him made Heeseung feel sick to his stomach. It wasn't hard for him to cut you off when he thought you betrayed him.

But now, life feels like it’s at a stand still. You stand before him and Heeseung’s throat closes up like he’s lost the ability to breathe. You might not even know that you’re the reason for his inner turmoil. You probably don’t care. Why would you when he’s pushed you so far from arm’s length? Heeseung sighs to himself and replays every single interaction he’s ever had with you after deciding to cut you out of his life. The guilt piles up on him before he can stop it from stacking until it eventually makes his skin feel like it’s been set on fire. He’ll have to sit with the fact that he’s made you out to be a cruel, terrible friend instead of the person who would defend him to hell and back.

What must you think of him now? For a long time, it took Heeseung great strength to push you into the far corners of his mind and stop seeking you out whenever you were near him. He trained himself to look away from you, the weight of your alleged words playing in the back of his mind whenever he felt the urge to talk to you like old times. Heeseung stopped communicating with you altogether, unfollowing you on all of your social media and physically removing you out of his life so he wouldn’t have to see your face when he least expected it. 

But now it feels like the last six years of his life have been a lie. He’s been living in his own world, wrapped up in a delusion that only he was able to clearly see. The memory was too painful to say out loud let alone tell a soul. Heeseung kept his heart guarded and offered a brief explanation whenever your mutual friends asked why the two of you weren’t close anymore and he’d shut you down if you tried to talk to him until your efforts ceased. 

When he looks at you now, all he feels is regret. 

Riki walks back towards Heeseung, who’s perched on a bench right on the sand. His ice cream is discarded in the nearby trash can and Riki eats whatever’s left in his cup before tossing it away. The two of them sit in silence. Riki basks in the salt air and relishes in the sound of birds chirping and waves crashing onto the shore. Heeseung can only hear his heart beating in his ears. 

“She’s doing okay,” Riki says, breaking the silence. “I think her shock and adrenaline are wearing off.” 

“Good,” Heeseung nods. “That’s really good.” 

“I could tell she wanted to be left alone after a little while. I hope she’ll be fine when we go back.” 

“I’m sure she will be.” 

Riki nods and looks back at you. “Have you ever seen her get like that?” 

“Maybe once or twice. We stopped being close in high school.” 

“Oh, yeah. Right.” 

“But she always bounced back,” Heeseung adds quickly. “Like you said, she’ll be fine.”

“I didn’t even know she was scared of snakes.” 

Heeseung laughs. “Me either.” The silence permeates until Heeseung speaks again. “Can I ask you a question?” 

“Since when have you ever asked me if you could ask me something?” 

“Fair point.” Heeseung rubs his palms against his thighs. “I don’t really know where to start.”

“The beginning is usually the best place.” 

“You know how I feel about Y/N. How I felt about her. I told you so many times to stop expecting people to treat you the way you want to be treated if they didn’t put in the effort to make you feel welcomed.” Heeseung looks at the younger boy. “Why did you keep defending?” 

“Are you asking me because you’re worried about Y/N or because you have some weird thing with her?” 

“I’m asking because I’m starting to think I was wrong about her.” Riki must think Heeseung is telling the truth because he nods after a moment. 

“How much do you know about Y/N’s family life?”

“I know she has a mom and that Jungwon’s parents are like her own. I also know her parents got divorced and that her dad left just before she graduated high school.” 

“Right.” Riki coughs nervously. “How much do you know about our relationship?” 

“You two are half-siblings.” 

“That’s all?” 

Heeseung shrugs. “I never questioned it.” 

“Okay, yeah. That makes sense.” Riki looks down at his lap like he’s trying to figure out what to say. “I don’t really know if this is my place to say it but I want you to know so you can stop thinking Y/N’s the Devil.” 

“I don’t think she’s the Devil.” 

Riki chuckles. “Sure. To put it simply, she's my half-sister because her dad cheated on her mom with mine. He’d go on business trips to Japan a few times a year and they hit it off after they met. One thing led to another and they started meeting up whenever he was back in town. 

“They had me a year after they first started their affair and I guess he was able to keep his life in Japan a secret until Y/N found pictures on her dad’s laptop. She saw pictures of us on vacations when her dad was supposed to be on work trips. I think she told her mom about it and that’s around the time I found out he had another family too.” 

“What was going through your head back then?” 

“Well, my mom told me my dad had to live in Korea for work. I believed it until I was seven, maybe? I’d always ask her questions as I got older but she either brushed me off or told me things that didn’t add up. He’d come more frequently the older I got. We didn’t talk on the phone much when he was over in Korea, though, so seeing him in person used to be extra special. 

“Then I found out that he had an affair because he came to live with us full time when I was twelve. My mom told me everything when he moved in and I felt like my entire life was a lie. I couldn’t look at either of them the same.” 

“Wow…I can’t imagine going through that.” Heeseung’s words hang in the air. 

“Yeah. It was hard. I hated Y/N for a while. I hated that she got to see my dad more than I did when I found out. My friends used to make fun of me because he wasn’t around for my dance competitions and showcases. I always defended him and said he was working in Korea to make a better life for us. It’s what I believed at the time.” 

“And your mom let you believe all of that?”

Riki shrugs. “I guess so. She hated Y/N and her mom. She always talked down on them when my dad moved in and I felt that my anger was justified too. My mom hated the fact that my dad still wanted to keep Y/N in his life and wouldn’t fully abandon her the way he did hid with his ex-wife. Some of his paycheck would go towards Y/N’s college fund and my mom tried everything in her power to stop him from giving her money but he gave her an ultimatum, so she stopped complaining. 

“He took me to Korea once. I was fourteen, I think. I met my dad’s parents and we stayed with them for a while. I don’t know why he took me there since I could barely speak the language but he said he wanted me to get to know where he grew up and integrate myself in the culture since he was trying to be a present father. That was the first time I met Y/N. I had my mind made up and decided I hated her the first time I saw her. She couldn’t have been older than seventeen. I hated that she looked just like me. 

“When we met for the first time, we didn’t really get along. Both of us didn’t talk and our dad tried so hard to form a bond between us but it didn’t work. I didn’t want anything to do with her because all I could think about was how she got to spend so much time with him while I only got to see him for a week or so a few times a year.” 

“What made you change your mind?” Heeseung asks. 

“When we got back to Japan, my mom kept saying all of these mean things about Y/N and her family,” Riki continues. “I wasn’t her biggest fan but the stuff she was saying was cruel and untrue. I knew it was pure jealousy and realized that my mom helped break up a perfectly good family. I mean, I knew it was my dad’s fault for cheating on his wife and leaving Y/N also, but coming to that realization made me think about how Y/N must’ve felt when she found out.”

“Wow…I didn’t know any of this.”

“As far as I can tell, Jungwon’s the only person she’s told.” Riki sighs and pushes his fingers through his hair. “Anyway, at that point, neither one of us cared to keep the relationship going. I didn’t call her and she didn’t call me. But the more my parents started living their lives like they hadn’t made two people fall apart, the more I started to feel sorry for Y/N. I can’t imagine finding out your dad cheated on your mom and then willingly left you for another family. Our dad brought me back to Korea a few times after that for winter and summer breaks to stay with his parents. He said he wanted me to experience life abroad. He’d bring me to family events and I always felt so out of place.”

“Wait, seriously?” Heeseung asks in disbelief. 

“Yeah, if you can believe it. I felt so guilty coming to these things. It was actually Y/N’s mom who told her to start being more open to me. I can’t explain how awful I felt when I realized she was making an effort to include me even though I was someone from her ex-husband’s affair. When my dad was trying to get back in everyone’s good graces, Y/N’s mom was making sure I had enough food and water.

“I slowly started to realize that Y/N was hurting too. She had everything I wanted but it felt like I was the one who took that away from her. I thought, maybe if my mom wasn’t pregnant with me, her dad would’ve never continued the affair and she would’ve never found out he cheated.”

“That’s why you defend her, isn’t it? Even when I thought she was being unfair?” 

Riki laughs. “Yeah, man. I’ve known about her longer than she’s known me and I’ve known about the affair longer than she has. I’ve had more time to get used to it. I don’t blame her for pushing me away. If I found out I had a half-sibling because my dad cheated on my mom, I think I’d react the same way.” Heeseung’s heart feels much heavier than it did prior to this conversation. “We’ve been getting better. She texts me first every now and then and she keeps up with my dancing stuff. It’s not like we’re total strangers anymore. I mean, she likes me enough to let me be friends with you guys. It’ll just take some time.”

“Do you want her to be in your life? And do you want to be in hers?” 

Heeseung watches Riki nod without a second doubt. “Absolutely. I love Y/N now. She’s my sister even if she only thinks of me as her half-brother. I know we’ve had it rough in the past but she looks out for me. Y/N’s smart and confident in all the ways I wish I could be. I love listening to her talk and I love learning new things about her. I always wished for a sibling and even though this isn’t how I imagined it going, I’m happy.” 

The two of them sit in another round of silence. Heeseung does his best to process everything Riki has just told him but it feels like there’s too much information for him to digest all at once. He never knew any of this about you, too caught up in his own feelings about the misunderstanding. While he was giving you the cold shoulder, you were crumbling apart because your dad left for another family. If he knew any of this back then, Heeseung thinks he would be sympathetic. But he can’t turn back the clock. He watches you stand by the water with your empty ice cream up in your hands and wonders what you’re thinking about. 

“Wait,” Heeseung says, cutting the silence for the umpteenth time. “You’re from Okayama.” Riki nods. “You’ve lived in Okayama until you moved here.” 

“Yeah, that’s right.” 

“And Y/N’s moving to Okayama for work.” Riki nods solemnly. “You’re telling me Y/N’s moving to the city your dad moved to when he left her?” The younger boy nods again. “Shit.”

“With everything going on in her life, I don’t expect her to have it all figured out. Sure, it hurt when she didn’t want to spend time with me but I don’t think I can really be mad at her when this is how her life is. Okayama is a big city but the world is pretty small.”

“That’s fucked up. That’s really, really fucked up.” 

“I’m pretty sure she’s scared about running into our dad. Lord knows I came to study in Korea because I didn’t want to be around him anymore,” Riki scoffs. “I know that I have my own shit to deal with and that I’ll probably need to find a therapist when I start school but for now, I’ll focus on Y/N. I’m happy she let me come on this trip because I know how much camping with Jungwon means to her. I can somewhat empathize with her about moving to a place that didn’t feel like home because of your dad.” 

Heeseung looks at Riki and doesn’t expect him to look as tranquil as he does, but he looks at you like you’re the person giving him this grace and maturity. “Fuck, Riki. I’m really sorry that you had to deal with this. Do the other guys besides Jungwon know?”

“Not as much as you do, they just know something happened with my parents and that’s why I don’t want to go back to Okayama. I don’t think Y/N’s told anybody else, so please don’t tell her you know.”

“I won’t,” Heeseung promises. “I swear on it.” 

“Good. I trust you and you’ve been a good friend to me.” 

“Sorry for giving you a hard time about her too.” 

“It’s fine now. Just…promise me you won’t be so harsh on her. She’s been through a lot and I can tell she’s really not happy about the move even though the job opportunity is really good for her career.” 

“Of course.” 

You walk back towards them and the two boys stand up and pretend as if they weren’t speaking in depth about you. Heeseung, for the first time, smiles at you without restraint and it makes you feel confused as you shake off the sand and head back into his car. 

On the entire drive back to the campsite, Heeseung lets Riki control the music and thinks about their previous conversation. He had no idea this is what you were dealing with and always thought you stopped talking to him because you didn’t think it was worth being friends either. He doesn’t remember much about the last few years of high school, apart from avoiding you when you were around, but now he wishes he would’ve paid more attention. Even though what’s past is past, Heeseung wishes he could turn back time and stop himself from making a false assumption. 

He parks the car sooner than he realizes and Riki hands Heeseung back his phone. You step out of the car and look far better than you did before the impromptu trip. Heeseung can’t help but jog after you. 

“Hey,” he calls out. You’re pulled out of your thoughts when you hear his voice and look at him, perplexed. “Are you feeling better now?” 

“Um, yeah.” You look at Heeseung like you don’t know what he wants from you and he’s starting to hate that he’s made you feel this way for so long. 

“Good. That’s good.” Heeseung clears his throat. “I, uh, wanted to apologize for what I said to you last night. That was out of line. I’m really sorry.” The gears turn in your head and he can see you processing his apology slowly. 

“Yeah, well, if you have a problem with me then you should either tell me why or leave me alone.” Your words lack any venom like they did last night but they’re replaced with something more raw and callous. He almost wishes you would yell at him. 

“I know.” He really does. “But I really am sorry. For everything.” Heeseung can’t find the words to elaborate how he feels, not when he sees your shared friends in front of him. 

You look at him and he feels like you might as well be looking into his soul. Without another word, you leave him with his thoughts and rejoin the rest of the group. 

***

It’s nearing the end of the trip and Heeseung feels like he needs to get you alone to apologize for a million things. Guilt courses through his body when he’s awake and it only ceases when he’s asleep. He does his best to keep a straight face when he’s around everybody else and he’s sure they’re all picking up on the fact that he hasn’t been avoiding you like he did when you all first arrived. 

But it’s hard to get you alone. He knows you likely wouldn’t hear him out if he asked you to talk. Even so, he doesn’t know if he knows everything he wants to say. Heeseung is sure everyone else will want to know why he asked to talk to you and make a big deal out of it too, but he can’t say he blames them when he’s the one who has put so much tension between the two of you. Being nicer towards you with intention is not normal for Heeseung. He wishes that weren’t the case. 

It’s a warm day outside and everybody’s agreed to go kayaking in the lake. The water is calm and there are a few families and groups who’ve decided to do the same thing. Everybody fastens life vests and hops into their own kayak before setting out on the water. 

Heeseung wants to enjoy being out on the water but his mind keeps coming back to you. He wonders deeply about the past he shares with you and what would’ve been if he hadn’t made those assumptions all those years ago. He knows he’s always been a bit too prideful for his own good, putting himself above the opinions of others without thinking twice. He’s got tough skin and likes that he’s developed a sense of confidence and identity, especially because he wants to pursue a career in music, but now he wonders if he’s too confident. 

The reason why your words hurt more than he’d care to admit is because he harbored a pathetic crush on you ever since you wrote him a letter for his thirteenth birthday. He’d just gotten the hang of making music on GarageBand and by the time his birthday rolled around, Heeseung wanted to show some of his friends what he’d been learning after school. October came quickly and he invited his closest friends to his house for some cake and to jump in the large bouncy house his parents rented for him. The warm afternoon is forever etched into his memory because everyone Heeseung cared about in his first year being a teenager was there to support the beginning of his music interest. 

Heeseung remembers the gift he unwrapped from you and your parents. It was a CD of his favorite album and one of those plastic statues with an award title etched into the base. It read “BEST MUSIC PRODUCER” on it and Heeseung thought it was the best gift he received that year. What made that warm afternoon even more special was when you pulled him aside to give him a handwritten note. He remembers your shy voice telling him not to open it until everybody was gone and said you wanted to give the letter to him in private when nobody else was looking because your parents didn’t know you’d done this. He kept that card on his desk until everybody left, promising to read it as soon as he was alone. 

You wrote to his yearning heart, the side of him that wanted to make music so badly that he’d sit in his room until the late hour with a lamp shining over his desk to write songs until his hand hurt from holding his pen. Heeseung would hunch over his desk during school and scribble down lyrics in the margins of his assignments. It always felt like he was the only person who felt this way most times and felt like his peers couldn’t understand why he loved making music so much. Reading your letter made Heeseung feel less alone, as if you were always watching over him and seeing his passion when he thought nobody else could. 

That note alone solidified his blooming crush and suddenly, every love song he wrote was dedicated to you. Details about you were weaved into his songs–the sound you made when you laughed, the stickers you used to collect, and the number on your childhood home–it all became important to him. It was almost like Heeseung could talk to you through his music without saying a single word. He could let his songs do the talking for him. 

Of course, thinking you were the one who said he didn’t have any real talent made his hopes and dreams shatter into a million pieces. He always felt like your champion and that pursuing his passion wasn’t so scary if he had you by his side. The world felt like it was crashing all around him to the point where he considered giving up on making music altogether. For that, he would never forgive you. But it’s different now. Heeseung knows you’re not to blame. The culpability doesn’t lie on your shoulders, even if that’s what Heeseung thought for all these years. 

Heeseung roams around the lake in silence, letting the birds chirp uninterrupted. The sound of his boat sailing against the water beneath him does something to soothe his aching heart for the time being. He sees you not too far ahead with Sunghoon a bit behind you when he sees you reach for the paddle that fell from your grip. His heart stops when your kayak tips over when you've reached too far. 

He wastes no time and rows his boat with all his might after hearing your yelp. His arms burn as he pushes through the water but before he can get any closer to you, Sunghoon has jumped out of his kayak to help you back to the surface. He’s able to drag you to the shore nearby and takes off your life jacket when the two of you are sitting on the edge of dry land. Heeseung manages to haul your kayak and paddle while Jay, who also saw the incident, grabs Sunghoon’s. The two of them wordlessly make their way to you and Sunghoon.

Heeseung sees and hears you coughing but he’s also aware of the fact that you’re situated between Sunghoon’s arms. He’s got you securely wrapped between him as you regain your breath. It’s selfish to even consider the idea that he might be jealous but he can’t help it, especially since you’re gripping onto his arms like he’s your lifeline. 

“Shit, Y/N,” Jay says as he takes his life jacket off. Heeseung does the same and parks his boat to get out of the water. “Are you okay?”

“Mhm,” you mutter, catching your breath from the water that’s still lodged in your throat. “Jesus, I didn’t think that would happen.”

“You gave me a heart attack.” Sunhoon laughs from behind you but doesn’t push you away just yet. Heeseung watches you.

“I got your boat and paddle,” he says pathetically, feeling awkward when the three of you look at him. “I’m glad you’re okay.” 

“Thanks.” You cough when you speak and Sunghoon rubs your back gently. “Why does this shit keep happening to me?” 

“Maybe Heeseung’s bad luck,” Sunghoon snickers. There’s no real animosity in his tone but Heeseung feels upset nonetheless. 

“Sorry,” he finds himself apologizing. 

“It wasn’t your fault,” you tell him, leaning back against Sunghoon as you catch your breath. “I think that’s enough kayaking for today, though.”

Jay laughs. “Yeah, you can say that again. I’m getting hungry anyway. Sunoo and Riki are probably complaining about that too.” 

At dinner, the eight of you sit around the fire as Jay, with the help of Riki and Sunoo, prepare and serve the food. The warm food satisfies everyone and everybody takes turns swapping stories about kayaking, and everybody laughs when Sunghoon recounts the story of you tipping over your boat. Riki keeps your plate full and tries to give you more meat but you shake your head. He pouts and you eventually relent, and that makes Heeseung smile.

He can feel Jungwon looking at him. The younger boy sits next to Heeseung and looks at him every so often, especially when you start talking or when the topic of discussion falls onto you. He ignores it to the best of his ability because he’s sure his friend has picked up on the fact that he’s not acting like he’s not interested anymore. When Jungwon pulls him aside when everybody leaves to get ready for bed, he isn’t surprised. 

“What’s up with you?” Jungwon asks quizzically. “Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean either, Heeseung. You were acting weird at dinner.” 

“To make a long story short, the reason why I didn’t like Y/N all this time was because I thought she was the one who said I would never make it in music. Sunoo told me it was Chaewon, not Y/N.” 

Jungwon’s eyes open comically. “That’s the reason you didn’t like Y/N?!” Heeseung smacks his shoulder and shushes him. “You know if you just, like, told any of us why you were so mad at her, we could’ve solved this and you wouldn’t have lost a friend.” Ouch. 

“Yeah,” Heeseung replies, looking at the ground below him, “I know. I feel like an idiot and I feel guilty. I want to make it right with her but I’ve acted like such an ass. I told myself it was for the better.”

“You really were an ass,” Jungwon agrees. “Did you know she almost pulled out of this trip when she found out you were going?”

Heeseung’s shoulders slump. “I fucked up, Won. You’re her best friend and I put you in an uncomfortable position too. I’m sorry. I want to make things right but we haven’t had a real conversation in years.” 

“You’re going to have to do a lot more than apologize.” Jungwon sighs and beckons Heeseung to sit down on a log next to him. “She doesn’t hate you, Heeseung. Y/N’s sensitive, you know? She’s sensitive in the way that she feels things pretty deeply and doesn’t push things aside anymore. Back in high school, she went through something pretty life changing that forced her to shut down and all she wanted was to reach out to you but you iced her out.” 

“I feel awful. She has every right to hate me.”

“That’s the thing, Heeseung. Y/N doesn’t hate you. She doesn’t understand what she did that made you pull away and she’s hurt that you won’t talk to her about it. She’s done all she can trying to get through to you but she’s given up because that didn’t seem like it was going anywhere.”

“Can I ask you something?” Jungwon nods. “If…If I talked to her, apologized and tried to tell her what was going on at the time, do you think she’d forgive me?” 

Heeseung waits for his friend to answer. “I think she would appreciate that you put in the effort to be there for her. She still cares about you even if she says she doesn’t.”

“I don’t know about that.” 

“I do. I’m her best friend, Heeseung.” The elder nods. “What I’m saying is this: All Y/N has ever wanted was for you to make an effort for her. When you stopped being her friend, she wondered for months if she was a bad person because you didn’t talk to her about why you pulled away so suddenly. Apologizing doesn’t mean the two of you will go back to the way you used to, but she’ll appreciate that over distancing yourself because you feel guilty.” 

That last part hurts to hear but he understands. “Do you think Y/N and I could ever be friends?” 

Jungown nods. “Yeah, actually. I can tell that you’re being upfront with me right now. You know how she is. She values honesty and loyalty. Of everyone in our friend group, Y/N is the one who’s really good at communicating and giving advice about that kind of stuff. She doesn’t need you to go above and beyond for her. It might take time but I know she’d appreciate it if you at least made an effort to talk to her and clear up some stuff.” 

Heeseung is lost in thought and barely hears Jungwon tell him he’ll try his best to let the two of you talk tomorrow night after dinner. He doesn’t know how to thank him other than to pull him into a tight embrace and cling onto the younger boy like he’s got something to lose. Jungwon seems to understand where Heeseung is coming from–he, too, has had his fair share of arguments with you–so he hugs him back as if to say everything will be alright. 

When you wake up the next morning, a weird feeling settles in your chest. Jungwon is fast asleep when you leave the tent to get ready for the day after failing to fall asleep. The sun is already up and you don’t know what time it is, but the morning is cold and the sweater you have on protects you from the chill nicely. 

You see Heeseung at the wash station and grip your toiletry bag when he spots you. Awkwardly, you step into the bath house and turn the faucet on as he brushes his teeth, motioning yourself to do the same thing. He watches you from the mirror as you keep your eyeline straight in front of you. He wants to say something to you, perhaps “good morning” or “how did you sleep?” but nothing seems good enough. You, on the other hand, feel like Heeseung may as well put you under a microscope. 

“Can I help you?” 

He looks at you as if he’s been caught with his hand down the cookie jar. “N-No. Sorry.” You sigh and resume brushing your teeth when he spits and rinses his mouth of the toothpaste. “I mean what I said I was sorry. I really am.”

“For which part? Cussing me out or avoiding me since high school?” You sound tired. 

“All of it,” he says quietly. You keep your head straight while he looks at you. “I have no excuse. I’ve been acting like a dick towards you and I feel awful.” You don’t say anything. “I…I thought you were the one who said I wouldn’t make it as a producer. I didn’t know it was Chaewon who said it and that you were the one who defended me. I was stupid and angry, and I took it out on you without knowing the whole truth. 

“I didn’t find out until Sunoo told me yesterday. I didn’t talk about that with anyone since we were friends, you know? I was so hurt but I didn’t know that it was my fault for making myself feel like that…And in turn, I made you feel like you didn’t have a place in my life. I’m so, so sorry that I treated you like you didn’t mean anything to me when you did.” 

You don’t look at him as you finish your morning routine. He stands there awkwardly, waiting for you to say something. 

“I went through a lot of shit back then,” you say, turning to face him. “My dad left just after you stopped talking to me and all I wanted to do was talk to you about it. You always knew what to say to make me feel better but then you started ignoring me like I never mattered to you. Do you know how badly that hurt to have one of my best friends stop giving a shit about me? 

“I watched you hang out with our mutual friends. I watched you do really cool things with music but I did all of that on the sidelines because you never included me, even though I was the only person who really supported you., I don’t think you really get that there were so many people back then who just wanted to be your friend because a few of your songs blew up on the internet. I watched you keep them close while you pushed me aside without giving me the chance to make up for whatever I did to make you upset. 

“I’ve spent the last few years trying to be okay with the fact that you didn’t want to be friends anymore. I tried so hard to accept that you and I would only be people who saw each other in passing. But that hurt. It hurt so much to think you didn’t care about me for one second and didn’t care that I was upset too.” 

Your confession hangs in the air and Heeseung feels like crying when he sees that you’ve started to tear up. You wipe them away aggressively, too embarrassed to be seen weeping in front of him. 

“I’m sorry.” Heeseung’s voice cracks. “I am, Y/N. You were so good to me and I took that for granted.”

“Yeah, you could say that.” 

“I can’t make excuses for myself back then but I want you to know I own up to everything. I’m sorry that I let you feel like that and wasn’t mature enough to talk to you. I know I’m too late, but you deserve an apology. You deserve more than that.” 

Heeseung thinks you’re going to storm past him like he did a few nights prior. He thinks you might spit in his face and tell him to go to hell. But all you do is stare at him in silence. 

“I’ve wanted to hear you say that for a long time,” you tell him. “So thanks for that. I feel beyond hurt by everything you did and everything you’ve ever said since we stopped being friends. All I have ever wanted was to be in the same room and not worry about if you wanted me there or not. This entire trip has felt like walking on eggshells around you.” He lets you step around him and out of the bath house. 

“I don’t hate you either, Heeseung. I know you probably think that I do but I don't.” 

***

The rest of your friends can tell something’s going on between the two of you but choose not to comment on it. Everybody is off doing their own thing, as today is the last day of camping, and nobody wants to accidentally spoil it. You and Jungwon decide to head over to your “secret spot,” just the two of you, for old time’s sake.

“I’ll miss you when I leave Korea,” you say as the two of you sit on the ground. “I don’t know how I’m gonna do any of this without you, Wonnie.”

“I know you’re scared of the future and about your dad asking to see you, but you’ve got to know that you’re stronger than any of us. You’re like, a superhero, or something.” 

“Now you’re just being corny.” 

Jungwon laughs. “Yeah, maybe I am. But seriously, Y/N, I’ve always liked that you were able to find some of your optimism again. You make me feel like things will get better for me too. I can’t sit here and pretend I know what you’re going through, but I’ll always be here for you. My parents will too.”

“I still remember the look on their faces when my mom broke the news,” you snort. “They looked like they were ready to go to prison for murder.” 

“I’ve never seen them so angry. I felt like castrating your dad.” 

“Didn’t we all?” 

“But at least we got Riki out of it.” You smile fondly. Jungwon wants to tell you he’s proud of how far you’ve come, but decides to keep that to himself for now.

“I love him, you know. Even if I don’t really say it. I think it was hard for me to be able to say I loved him without feeling guilty. I thought I was betraying my mom if I gave Riki a chance and seeing her step up to be a parental figure when my dad was too busy mingling with our side of the family was hard. We’ve never talked about it but I know she doesn’t hate Riki. She wouldn’t have forced me to spend time with him if she did.

“He’s such a bright kid and he’s so talented. It makes me happy when people recognize that too. He taught me a lot about prioritizing my feelings. Learning to re-evaluate my life when Riki showed up made me feel, I don’t know, more mature? Like, I can be upset and still care about people because we all make mistakes and none of us asked to be here.” 

Jungwon lets a beat of silence pass before speaking. “Did Heeseung talk to you?”

“This morning. Why do you ask?”

“Well, I saw him acting a bit different at the bonfire last night and asked him if anything happened. He told me why he was so mad at you for so long and said he wanted to apologize.”

“Men are so fucking stupid,” you sigh, bringing your knees to your chest. “I don’t understand why he didn’t talk to me in the first place.”

“Me either, honestly. But at least he’s making an effort. Isn’t that what you said you wanted?” 

You nod. “Yeah. Feelings are complicated. I’ve been angry for so long. I always thought I’d yell at him and give him a piece of my mind, or something. I thought I would hate him and tell him to forget about me. But when he apologized, he said it in a way that made me believe he meant it. It didn’t feel like he was bullshitting me. I felt stuck.” 

“What did you end up saying?” 

“I told him how hurt I was during that time and said I wished he was there for me like I was for him when I was dealing with my dad. I told him how I wished we could’ve talked it out.” 

“That’s a good start.” 

“I don’t think we’ll ever go back to the way we were but I also know Heeseung. I know it took a lot out of him to set aside his pride and put somebody else first. I don’t really know what I’m gonna do now. All I know is I’m tired of being upset and I want to feel okay.”

Jungwon nudges your shoulder with his. “You’ll be just fine. The universe moves for you, Y/N. There’s no way you won’t have a happy ending.” He watches you hide a smile. 

“You are such a sap.” 

“It’s what you love about me.” 

“Unfortunately.” You’ll really miss him. “I gotta take it one day at a time, right? Heeseung is going to be in my life for a long time since we share so many friends. Riki loves him too, and I guess I can’t hate Heeseung too much for looking out for him. I don’t think I have any room to think about it when I get back because I’ll be doing some last minute packing and getting ready to move.” 

“It’ll be over before you know it. But even then, you’re going to have the best time in Okayama. Fuck your dad and all of the bad shit.”

“Yeah,” you laugh. “Fuck my dad.” 

The end of the trip is bittersweet. You start to tear up when you see the campsite completely empty and move slowly to pack everything in the cars. Heeseung notices but doesn’t say anything, offering to grab whatever’s in your hands when he sees you looking out into the clearing for extended periods of time. He doesn’t pretend to know what you’re feeling but he knows he doesn’t like it when you cry.

He watches you get into Jay’s car and wishes that you could be comfortable sitting alone with him. While Jake mans the aux, Heeseung thinks about what might happen when you move away. Will the two of you remain how you are or will you grow apart? Is there any room for him in your life now that you’re off to explore a different part of the world? Will he ever be able to push past the gnawing feeling of pushing his pathetic crush on you down until he no longer thinks of you like that?

He’s never admitted it, but those feelings he had towards you all those years ago never really went away. Heeseung doubled down on his irritation because doing otherwise would allow all of those romantic feelings to overwhelm him. He kept his head down around you because he knew one look at you would be enough to throw his inhibitions away and he was afraid he would risk everything he’s ever wanted just for you to tell him you love him too. Now that he knows everything was a misunderstanding, the grave loss weighs on him. He’s got a million thoughts running through his mind and none of them seem to make any sense. These romantic feelings didn’t lie dormant for all of these years, right? 

The next week and a half feels like it passes by too quickly for the both of you. You finish packing the morning of your going away party that everyone helped set up and plan. Your mom, along with Jungwon’s parents, all of your friends and their parents, and Maeumi, presentes you with the kind of happiness you never want to forget. Even Heeseung, who shows up and gives you a letter when no one else is looking, makes you feel like you would be dearly missed. You’re not sure that you enjoy being the center of attention, but everybody’s kindness makes you feel like you deserve to be. 

It’s late when they leave and socializing makes you feel far more exhausted than you anticipated. Your flight is midday tomorrow but you try not to think about that. Heeseung’s letter sits on the edge of your bed and the green envelope–your favorite color–stares at you like it’s begging you to open it. And open it you do. 

Y/N–

I don’t know where to start. I’m sorry, first of all, for treating you the way I did. I was a sorry excuse for a friend. I should’ve talked to you instead of jumping to conclusions and it doesn’t matter that we were both young. Friends annoy each other but they don’t disrespect one another. I’m so sorry that I made you doubt yourself. 

I’ll miss you a lot when you’re in Japan. We didn’t get the chance to talk it out and I understand if you don’t want anything to do with me after you leave. You deserve people who will be there for you. But please know I’ll always be rooting for you. 

Lastly…I don’t know if this is my place to say this but here goes nothing. Back when we were close, the one thing I loved about you was how passionate you were about life. You loved to learn and explore new things, and you always made me feel like I could feel that way too. I know you’re scared about Okayama for a number of reasons but you’re the strongest person I know. You’ll be just fine, even if you don’t feel like you will be. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me. I mean it.

- Heeseung

For the first time in a while, you allow yourself to cry over Lee Heeseung and surprise yourself when you realize that you want him back. 

***

At the airport, your mom helps you check in your luggage and asks if you’ve got everything you need and makes you double check everything. It’s reminiscent of the way you did with Riki before the camping trip. You’re happy despite feeling a bit annoyed that she’s making you take off your backpack. You don’t totally mind it, though. She gives you a hug that feels like it could last a lifetime and letting her go is the hardest thing you’ve ever done. 

Everybody else gives you love, too. Sunoo is the first to hug you and makes you promise to bring him back some skincare and souvenirs the next time you’re able to get back to Korea. Jake embraces you next and gives you some words of encouragement while Jay does his best to pretend like he isn’t sad by complaining about how there will be one less cook in the kitchen. You throw your arms around him anyway and pretend not to hear him sniffle. Sunghoon traps you in a bear hug and makes you promise to take as many photos as possible and says he’ll look forward to seeing them. He, too, pretends like he’s not about to cry. You push your head onto his shoulder and give his hand a squeeze before he lets a few teardrops fall. 

Jungwon is the most emotional of them all. He wipes away his free falling tears and crushes you in a hug, burying his head in your neck. “You better come back, asshole. I can’t believe you’re gonna leave me to chase your dreams. That’s so selfish of you.” You think you might cry too but laugh anyway. 

“I love you so much, Wonnie.” He squeezes you like he’s afraid he’ll forget what it feels like to be in your embrace until Jake pries him off of your body. 

Riki stands awkwardly with his eyes to the floor and his hands in front of him. The taller boy feels as though his shoes are glued down but you see the way his gaze flickers as if he’s trying to figure out what to do next. It doesn’t take much out of you to throw your arms around him and push yourself into his chest. 

“I’m going to miss you a lot, Riki,” you tell him.

“Really?” You nod. 

“I know I haven’t been the best towards you but you need to know that I’m so proud of you, okay? I loved getting to know you. I loved that you came on the trip and I’m so fucking happy that you’re my brother. Out of everybody who could’ve popped into my life, I’m so glad it was you.” 

Everybody watches Riki melt in front of them as he envelopes you right into him. You feel the weight of his shoulders relax and for the first time, you feel like you’re starting to wonder if this is what it feels like to have everything figured out. 

“I’ll come visit you,” he promises. “I’ll come home for winter break.”

“Stay with me. We can do all of the corny shit siblings do. I’ll even pay for everything.” 

Riki laughs but doesn’t let you go. “You’re the best, you know that? Even though it took you some time, I always thought of you like my sister. I’m really happy to be around you.” 

The waterworks begin and Riki does his best to comfort you when he feels tears on his shirt. He feels somewhere in between empty and fulfilled knowing the two of you have made amends, but knowing you want to work towards the future is enough to make him confident that everything will be alright. He lets you go when he feels your arms loosen around him and aggressively wipes his own tears away. 

When you look at Heeseung, the last thing he expects you to do is acknowledge him. He came to the airport because he wants you to know he meant everything in the letter he wrote. He stayed up all night to check for your texts but you hadn’t said anything, and while he knew it was an emotional day for you because of all you were dealing with, a selfish part of him wanted to know what you thought about it. 

You surprise Heeseung and yourself by engulfing him in a hug. The familiarity of his embrace makes you feel nostalgic and you can’t help but cry right into his chest. Heeseung doesn’t hesitate and brings his arms to wrap around your fragile body as you silently weep against him. He holds you tight and gently rocks your body like he used to all those years ago. You don’t fight back either. Instead, you push your head deeper into him and hold him until your tears have stopped. 

“I read your letter,” you say quietly. “We have a lot to talk about but I appreciate everything you said, Heeseung. I tried to hate you but I could never bring myself to feel that way about you.”

“I’m really going to miss you. Can I be selfish?” Heeseung asks with a sob in his throat. “I wish I apologized sooner and I wish we had more time. But please, promise me that you’re going to try to have fun in Japan, okay? You’re the best person I know, even if I didn’t make you feel like it. I’ll always live with that regret but knowing you’ll forget about me and make a life for yourself is enough.”

“I could never truly forget about you, Hee.” That nickname you used to call him makes Heeseung’s heart beat faster. “I don’t want you out of my life. All these years I felt like that’s what I wanted but I don’t want that now. Be happy without me too, okay? Forget about me and follow that dream of yours.” 

Heeseung laughs sadly. “I don’t think I could ever forget about you.” You step away from him and wipe your eyes for the umteenth time. 

“Write a song for me, then. And don’t be a stranger, okay?” 

“Okay.” Heeseung swears on it. “I won’t.” 

A beat of silence passes before all seven of your friends push you into the middle of their group hug. It brings another round of tears to your eyes and Jungwon’s the one who lets you cry into him until your mom tells you it’s time to start boarding. Everybody gets one final goodbye before you disappear into the plane. 

You smile at your phone when you settle into your seat. 

lee heeseung: I miss you already 

You miss him too.

***

Okayama is a dream until it isn’t. You settled into your apartment and had one month before you started your job and went to all the places Riki recommended. You started to understand him a little better after moving and both of you find it hilarious that you two ended up living in each others’ hometowns. You can’t choose your siblings but you’d choose Riki in every lifetime. 

You call your mom every so often and update her on life. Your friends keep you in the loop and FaceTime you when they’re out together. It makes you feel like you’re back in Korea and while it isn’t the same, you appreciate the effort anyway. You’ve made friends with your neighbors and a few girls you met when you went out drinking with your cousin the week you moved and it made braving a whole new country feel less daunting. Jungwon calls you everyday and you tease him for being such a clingy friend, but you both know you love it. You inform him about everything from the boring details to juicy work drama, and it feels like you’re sitting in his bedroom wearing face masks and eating junk food. 

Heeseung has been a constant fixture in your life, too. You texted him the moment you landed and he kept the conversation going. You talk about everything, the past especially, and start to feel like things might be okay. Those butterflies that you had for him in high school made an appearance after three months in Japan and part of you wondered if you were a fool for bringing him back into your life after everything. All of your friends back in Korea tell you Heeseung is miserable without you and when they tease him in the big group chat, he doesn’t deny it.

The friends you made seemed divided–one half thought you should leave him in the dark while the other half swooned over his dedication to making things right. You don’t really know what to think or how to feel, but you know you’re happy. Between phone calls and late night texts, you were always left with a smile on your face before bed.

Riki came back to Okayama for winter break and spent two weeks in your apartment. When the two of you weren’t bickering as siblings do, you both stayed up way too late watching anime and watched him dance at his home studio. Riki even got you to attend a few classes (he tried not to laugh at your poor coordination skills but appreciated the effort anyway). You prefer to be in the audience. 

Life seemed great until your dad made an appearance just before Christmas. He knew you were here from a single text message he never responded to before you moved to Okayama. The weight of his silence prepared you to be in Japan without him but his sudden appearance made you feel like everything changed for the worse. Riki went back to his childhood home to see his family and asked you to come with him after your dad had forced him. Your brother knows the intricate dynamic and you don’t blame him for anything. Seeing your dad with his new family after sparse texts since he left felt like a punch in the gut. It soured your holidays and Riki spent the rest of his trip apologizing even though you told him there was no reason for him to be sorry. You dropped him off at the airport and told him you’d see him in the summertime. 

The holidays came and went but the feelings you’ve carried since then haven’t disappeared, which brings you to the present. Heeseung is standing in the doorway of your apartment in Okayama, looking at you with those big, round doe eyes you always loved. 

“Hi,” he says breathlessly. 

“Heeseung…What are you doing here?” He scratches the back of his neck. 

“You’ve been going through a lot, you know? Every time we talked on the phone, you sounded like you were a thousand miles away and it killed me to know I couldn’t do anything to make you feel better after the holidays with your dad. Jungwon and I have been talking about how much of an ass he is and how much we wish we could be here for you and the next thing I knew, he was encouraging me to buy the next flight out to see you,” Heeseung says in a single breath. “But honestly? I just really, really fucking missed you.”

“You flew all this way here? For me?”

“Yeah.” Heeseung says it like it’s a no-brainer. “Although, now I feel kinda stupid. I realize I’m putting you in a tough spot. But you know what? I think it’s worth it to know that you’re okay.” 

He looks at you but you don’t say anything. Heeseung can see the gears turning inside of your head while you process his arrival. You look so cute in your sleep shorts and oversized shirt. He loves it when you call him via FaceTime because he gets to see all parts of you–getting ready for work and winding down as you are now. It makes him feel like you’re pulling him right back into you. 

You don’t really need to say anything. You lurch yourself onto him and press your lips against his like it’s something you’ve been waiting to do for the longest time. You probably have. Heeseung wraps his arms around you and lets his mouth melt against yours and doesn’t complain about your boldness either. He welcomes it, even. 

“You’re so stupid,” you mutter against him, pulling him into your apartment and locking the door behind you. You kiss him repeatedly and he puts his hands on your waist as if to let you know he’s right there with you. 

“Why am I stupid, baby?” Heeseung’s voice paired with that nickname makes your knees buckle.  

“You can stay with me.” He feels you smile against your lips. “Please just…stay here and don’t go.” 

“I’m not going anywhere.” 

Heeseung drops his backpack onto the floor and lets you capture his mouth again. You taste so fresh with your cherry lip balm. He moans right into your mouth when you push him against your countertop and the feeling of his hands on your body makes you grow hotter as the seconds pass by. The ache between your legs starts to overwhelm you as his plump lips kiss you over and over again before he pushes them against your neck. It’s too much in all of the right ways and you’re too aroused to even think straight. You start to pull yourself away from Heeseung and he’s about to ask if he’s going too fast when you grab your hand and lead him to your bedroom. 

“Y/N, wait,” Heeseung tries to say in between kisses. He loves the feeling of your warm mouth against him and feels himself starting to get worked up but he doesn’t know if you’re thinking straight. Even though the two of you have talked nearly everyday, Heeseung doesn’t know if this is moving too fast. 

“I’m done waiting.” You pull away from him and reach for his hand, pushing his lengthy fingers past your shorts and underwear until he feels the wet slick starting to pool at your folds. Your hand moves his back and forth as he looks at you like you’ve stunned him with a laser gun. Heeseung’s dick jumps in his pants and it takes him a second to move his fingers on his own accord. “I want you, Heeseung. Don’t you want me too?”

His resolve crumbles. Heeseung nods with his mouth parted as he pushes his fingers inside you, your wetness allowing him to reach your depths immediately. You push yourself on your toes and put your hands on his chest, clinging onto him like you’re afraid he’d let you go if you don’t. He thrusts his fingers with intention and hears your quiet whimpers when he leans his head down next to your mouth.

“Yeah,” Heeseung says, lips touching the shell of your ear as his voice ripples through your body. “I want you.”

He pulls his hand away from you and smiles at the short whine from the loss of his touch. Heeseung loves how much you need him and he’s sure you can see how much he needs you too. A surge of confidence jolts within you as Heeseung looks down at your body like he’s ready to eat you alive. You peel off your shirt and shorts, leaving you in your underwear as Heeseung pulls his shirt over his head with a single hand. 

“Lie down,” Heeseung beckons. You do as he says and he sinks down to his knees and pries your legs apart, looking directly at you as he speaks. “Good girl.” He pulls your garments down your legs and the cool air hits your center as Heeseung looks down at you. 

You don’t have time to think about anything when he peppers soft kisses on your skin. His lips journey from the inside of your knee and he presses one small kiss to your slit before repeating the process on your other leg. Heeseung allows himself to get lost in the way your body reacts to his feather-like touches before descending down onto your folds. 

Heeseung’s tongue feels like the closest thing to magic. He takes his time when licking you with his warm and wet muscle, canvassing every ridge with expert movements. You rake your fingers through his hair and tug gently at his soft roots, pulling a moan out of him that delivers a delicious shock up your spine. He puts your feet on his shoulders and plunges his tongue inside of you and grips your flesh with his fingertips until you’re coming undone on his mouth. 

“So fucking good,” he mutters to himself more than he does to you. He laps up your release and you find yourself a bit embarrassed that you were able to come so quickly, but the way he touches you makes it seem as though he already knew how to push your buttons. “You’re so sweet, Y/N. I could eat you all day if you’d let me.” 

Heeseung trails his lips up your stomach and kisses you so tenderly that you feel as though your body must be made out of soft cotton. His lips find your left nipple and lets his tongue swirl over the bud before sucking on it with a gentle motion. He repeats the process on the other nub and flicks it, enjoying the soft sounds that come from you. Heeseung buries himself right into your neck but he doesn’t kiss the skin like you think he will. Instead, he kisses you twice on your open neck before moving his body so that he can look down at you. 

He bites his lip. It makes you feel exposed but somehow, it makes you feel all that more confident. It’s like Heeseung is looking right through you with all of your worries and faults laid out for him to reject. But he doesn’t. Likewise, Heeseung allows you to see him in his vulnerability and he’s ready to pack up his things and leave if you tell him you don’t want this anymore. But you don’t. 

He descends on you once again, this time his lips pushing against you in a slow and sensual kiss. You feel the way he moves against you and savor the sounds your mouths make together. Heeseung brings his hand to brush strands of your hair away from your face as he kisses you and the gentle touch of his fingertips feels like it was always meant to be there. 

“I need you.” Your back arches right into his chest as you speak. “Don’t make me wait, Heeseung. Please, I just…I need you.” 

“I’ll never make you wait. Never again,” he promises. Heeseung manages to rid himself of his pants and boxers and pushes himself between your legs until his dick is situated between your folds. Your arousal, paired with the precum oozing from his slit, provides the perfect balance of wetness that coats the entirety of his cock as he glides himself against you. 

When his tip catches your hole, the sounds of your moans overpowers his refrain. He pushes inside of you slowly inch by inch, savoring the way you feel for the fear that he might never be able to do this again. You look so beautiful underneath him with his dick completely sheathed inside of you and when your legs wrap around his body to encourage him to move, Heeseung doesn’t deny you of your pleasure. 

Neither of you have ever had sex like this–the feeling of pure rawness echoes throughout the room between your breathy moans and the sound of skin pushing against one another. Your body is warm in the way he always imagined and his hands touch every inch of you as if to commit your silhouette to memory. In this moment, Heeseung feels as though the two of you are kindred spirits who found each other.

“You’re so good for me,” Heeseung whispers into your neck as he thrusts into you. “So fucking tight and wet.” He feels your arms wrap around his shoulders to keep him trapped between you but he can’t say he minds all that much. 

“I-I’m so close,” you say in a broken moan. 

“Already, baby?” Heeseung says to tease you as he brings his head up to look down at you again. He pushes his hips against you faster and that surprised gasp you let out makes his balls clench. 

“S-Shut up.” 

Your arms fall to the mattress as you claw at your sheets. Heeseung plans his elbows on either side of your head as he focuses all of his willpower towards fucking you with fast deep strokes, loving the way your mouth parts slightly and how your eyes are closed shut. His muscles flex as he pushes himself until you’re coming with a loud moan, and finds himself releasing inside of you the moment he feels you gushing around him. 

You feel Heeseung press his tender lips against your forehead as you come down from your high while he continues to rock you through your release. Your cheeks are hot from the pleasure and the room is suddenly too warm with Heeseung on top of you. When you open your eyes, he’s looking at you like he’s seen a halo above your head. He can’t really help it. Heeseung leans down to press a soft, gentle kiss against your lips to convey a job well down. 

“I came so fast,” you whisper bashfully. You bite your lip but Heeseung tugs it away from your teeth to kiss you again. 

“Me too.” Heeseung kisses your nose and relishes in the way you scrunch your face. “But it’s okay. You deserve to feel good. I don’t care how long or short it takes.” He places his hand on your face and rubs the apple of your cheek with his thumb. 

“I really missed you.” 

“I missed you too, dummy,” Heeseung says before flicking your nose. He holds your jaw in place before kissing you again. 

“We’re gonna have to do a lot of making up, you know,” you mumble against his lips with a smile. 

“Oh yeah?” 

“Mhm.” You push against his lips. Heeseung pushes his half-hard dick inside of you as your back arches right into him. He’s there to catch you this time, his arm supporting your spine underneath you. “Fuck!” 

“My baby,” he whispers into you. “Let me make it up to you.” 

You let him.

***

EPILOGUE: THE FOLLOWING SPRING

“For fuck’s sake, get your big ass head out of the way.”

Jay smacks Jake’s shoulder. “You can see just fine, stupid.” Sunghoon hits both of their shoulders. 

“Both of you, stop moving so much. You guys almost knocked my camera.” They mumble a quick apology before finding another thing to discuss. 

“I feel like I’m surrounded by children.” You sigh as Heeseung wraps his arms around your waist and lets his chin sit atop the crown of your head. He feels your body relax against him and smiles. 

“Well you are, technically. Riki just stopped wearing diapers.” 

“I hate you so much, Heeseung,” the younger boy whines without any true malice. You laugh and squeeze Riki’s hand. He can’t find it in himself to be too mad at either of you. 

“Do you guys see Jungwon and Sunoo?” Sunghoon asks with his camera at the ready. “I want to make sure I take as many pictures as possible.” 

“I don’t think they’re coming out yet,” says Jay. 

“Duh.” Jake provokes him in a way you missed while you were in Okayama. It brings warmth to your heart when you see them bicker. 

Jay turns to you. “Y/N, have you given a second thought about moving in with Jake when you come back? I think you’d be better off if you kicked him to the streets.”

“Hey!” Jake tackles Jay until he’s got his older friend’s neck between his arms. None of you pay too much attention and choose to wait for Jungwon and Sunoo. 

“Our friends are another breed,” Heeseung mumbles against you as he kisses your cheek. “Are you sure you want to move back and be roommates with Jake and Jungwon?” 

“Mhm. I miss you guys so much.” 

“But you miss me the most, right?” 

“Yes, baby.” You bring his hand up to your lips and kiss the back of it. “I missed you the most.” 

“There they are!” Riki shouts. 

Jungwon and Sunoo, clad in their caps and gowns, saunter their way out of the stadium before spotting your group. They make a run for it and push past the onlookers who search for their loved ones as well. Sunoo clings onto Jake while Jungwon finds his perch in Riki’s arms as Sunghoon captures the beautiful moment on his digital camera. 

“We fucking did it!” Jungwon shouts as he pulls away. “Sunoo, we did it!” 

“About damn time,” Sunoo replies as he rolls his eyes with a smile. “I felt like I’d be there forever.” 

“We’re so proud of you both.” Jay smiles and moves to hug each of them. “You guys are amazing, seriously.” 

“I can’t believe you’re leaving me.” Riki bumps hips with Sunoo. “That seems unfair.” 

“Life is unfair.” There’s no real bite to his tone, just a bittersweet future. Sunoo hugs the taller boy. 

“Oh my God,” Jungwon says with his hand pressed to his mouth. “Y/N is crying.” 

“No I’m not,” you say, even though you definitely are. Heeseung squeezes you tighter against him. “Shut up, Jungwon. I’m not crying.” 

“You so are!” Riki shouts. 

“I’m not crying. Seeing my best friends graduate college is not a good reason to cry, okay?!” 

Jungwon and Sunoo sport shit-eating grins. Heeseung lets you go as they engulf you in a hug while the younger of the two feels your hot tears on his cheek. He laughs and this moment starts to feel a bit nostalgic to him, as he acted the same way you did upon seeing you in your cap and gown. 

“Hey,” he says in a softer tone, pulling away from the two of you. “Thanks for being here. I know taking time off was a little hard but we’re so happy you could come.”

“Yeah,” Sunoo agrees. “Talking to you over the phone isn’t enough. We missed you, you know?” 

You tear up again and wipe your nose before falling into them again. “I missed you too.”

“Oh God,” Sunghoon laughs. “If Y/N’s crying then I know we’re in for it.” 

“Hey!” Heeseung jokes, nudging his friend with his shoulder. “Don’t talk about my girlfriend like that.” Although, he can’t really disagree with Sunghoon. 

“You’re all so stupid for making me cry in public,” you say as you wipe your tears from your eyes. “I’m gonna look back at these pictures and my eyes will be all red and puffy.” 

“I feel like you and Heeseung might as well be our parents,” Sunoo says as Heeseung pulls him into a hug.

“Wait, you guys should totally take a family photo.” Jake steps forward to arrange the four of you like a family portrait with Jungwon and Sunoo between you and Heeseung. “There. Sunghoon, take a picture. This is so going on the fridge when we move in together.” 

Heeseung moves back next to you as the rest of your friends look at the photos on Sunghoon’s camera and take turns taking pictures of him with the graduates. He kisses your cheek and pulls you back into him. 

“You ready to come back to all this chaos?”

“More than ready,” you affirm. “I loved Okayama, even though I had to deal with my dad and all of that stuff. But I missed my life here and the masters program over in Seoul is a good fit for me, you know? Plus, your apartment isn’t too far from mine.” 

“I can’t wait for you to move back.” Heeseung kisses your cheek again. “Your mom and I talked logistics about helping you move into the new apartment. Knowing you, I’m sure you’ll have another suitcase coming back with you.” 

“Shut up.” 

“You know I’m right.” 

You blush and mumble. “Yeah…You’re right.” 

“Your mom and Jungwon’s parents talked about renting a bigger camp space this year, too. I think they’re planning on having one huge trip this year now that most of us have graduated.” 

“I can’t believe our last trip was almost a year ago. That’s insane because it feels like I moved to Japan just yesterday.” 

“I solemnly swear I will never be as stupid or dense as I was back then.” When you turn around to look at Heeseung, you know he’s telling the truth. You don’t answer him verbally and choose to silence him with a pretty kiss. It’s enough for the two of you. 

“Oi, love birds,” Jake calls, looking at you. “We should find their parents. Your mom called me and I think she was crying.” 

You frown. “Why didn’t she call me?”  

“She said you were probably crying too,” Jake snickers. 

“Is it too late to back out of being roommates?” 

“Nope. You’re stuck with me.” 

Heeseung squeezes your hand. 

“And me.” 

As you look around, you can’t help but feel as though this was always how it was meant to be.

“I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

***

comments and reblogs are appreciated! xx

[pprodsuga]

posting this here for prosperity: I will be posting some of my works from this blog onto @paarksunghoon. please don’t be alarmed if you see the same fic twice & recognize it. thanks!

[pprodsuga]

omg you're paarksunghoon😭😭 hi pooks. i'm happy i found you on that account bc i was worried when this one hasn't been updated in months. i'm glad you're doing okay and was able to start fresh!!

-🦅 (from paarksunghoon acct)

love you so bad

[pprodsuga]

IVE BEEN MISSING YOIR WRITING AND I JUST FOUND OUT YOU HAVE MORE ON YOUR OTHER BLOG….BEST DAY OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

hi!! felt like I needed a fresh start. thank you for your enthusiasm :D

I’ll make it easy for ya:

• deep honey - sunghoon

• fixed comfort - sunghoon

• grocery store receipts - sunghoon

• you plus me - heeseung

[pprodsuga]

if you love Sunghoon you neeedd to check out @paarksunghoon

hilarious that you recommend that blog because that’s me :)

[pprodsuga]

tides of regret | heeseung

summary: in the year since heeseung first rejected your love confession, you've tried everything to get over him. a trip to europe makes you realize you miss your former best friend more than anything, and it makes heeseung realize he's got it all wrong.

notes: aaand she's here! this is 24.4K words worth of my heart and soul. consider this a token of my appreciation for welcoming me on enhablr. i sincerely hope you enjoy it. <3

deep cuts: #1

warnings: angst/internal self doubt, playful banter, dirty talking, praise, slight degradation, oral (m and f receiving), dry humping, fingering, mentions of exhibitionism and face sitting, nipple sucking, spit, brief moment of anal (tongue only), condom removal, unprotected sex, creampie.

For @enha-stars – may this story rip you apart and stitch you back together.

masterlist

Incheon feels lonely at three in the morning. 

The overhead lights being turned off because of the lack of travelers at this hour makes the airport feel bigger than it actually is. It’s too quiet without the familiar sounds of luggage wheels on the linoleum or overhead speakers announcing flight changes every ten minutes. You don’t think you’ve ever been to an airport so early in your life. 

It’s quiet enough to leave you alone with your bothersome thoughts. In the years you’ve been away from home as you studied abroad, you can’t help but feel a gravitational pull towards life in Seoul and the people in it. The familiarity of your home outweighs the adventure you once yearned for in your youth, and now you’re left with the exciting notion that, this time, you’ll know when you’ll be coming back.

The terminal has an abundance of seating. Your backpack rests on the seat beside you as Jay double checks the gate number while the rest of your friends find a spot on the seats next to you, attempting to find an ounce of comfort in the dimly lit area.

“I know leaving early saved us hundreds of dollars, but I need sleep,” Sunghoon says from beside you. His usually well kept hair falls in all sorts of places like he woke up without a second thought and hailed a taxi the minute he opened his eyes. 

“You’ll thank me later,” Jay says. “We can sleep on the plane.”

“Our flight doesn’t leave for another two hours,” Jake whines from beside him as he yawns. “How am I supposed to sleep on these god forsakes chairs?” 

“Quit whining and try,” Jay retorts. He looks behind him to see the rest of your friend group approach before glancing over to you. “Doing okay?” 

“How come Y/N gets preferential treatment?” Jake beckons. 

“Because she isn’t a nuisance like you,” Jay immediately fires back before diverting his attention towards you again. 

“I’m alright,” you say, stifling a yawn behind your hand. “Just cold and sleepy.” 

“Hopefully they turn off the damn AC,” Sunghoon says as he pulls his sweatshirt over his head. “I feel like my veins are being injected with ice.”

“It’ll warm up when more people come,” Jay reasons. “I wish there was a coffee stand that was open. I need a cup.” 

“I could go for one,” you agree. “I’m trying to stay awake for the next couple of hours so I can sleep on the plane.” 

The rest of your friend group appear behind Jay and you look down to check your phone for any notifications when Heeseung catches your eye. It takes you by surprise and you abruptly look back at your screen and busy yourself by aimlessly scrolling through social media as he attempts to occupy the empty seat beside you, but Jake beats him to it.

“I’m gonna freeze to death and then all of you are gonna have to deal with my frozen body.” Jake dramatically slouches down onto the seat until his head finds your shoulder, nuzzling his cheek as if trying to find comfort in you. “Jesus, Y/N, you’re so warm.”

You laugh. “I wore layers.” 

“You’re gonna regret that when we get on the plane,” Jake mumbles. 

Heeseung, from the corner of your eyes, opts to move to the seats in front of you. You try not to pay him any mind.

You snort. “Yeah, well I can take these layers off while you freeze until you become an icicle.” Jake hums when you let your head fall onto his. 

“You know I’m not built for the cold. Australia’s my home.”

“And yet you moved to Korea,” Sunghoon provokes. 

Jungwon and Riki are rummaging through the bag of snacks you’d brought for an early breakfast until the restaurants and coffee stands around you open up. Jake’s right, it’s far too cold to stop shivering, but you suppose you’re grateful that the discomfort distracts you from sleeping too early. 

“I can’t believe we’re finally going on this trip,” Sunoo says from above you. With your head still on Jake’s, you turn to look at the boy speaking. “I’m really excited for you to show us where you’ve been for the past four years.”

A tiny smile graces your lips. “I’m excited to show you around London and Paris. The latter is a two hour train ride. My friends and I would go every few weekends or so to explore the city. Pictures and videos don’t do them justice.” You sigh as you reminisce. “I really did think that I’d end up living there when I graduated.” 

“Why didn’t you?” 

“Missed home too much, I guess.” You shrug. “Though, I can’t believe Riki went through a growth spurt in the last two years that I was gone.”

“You went back to Okayama before Y/N came back for holiday break, right?” Jungwon asks, looking between the both of you.

“That’s right,” Riki says. “I was sad that I couldn’t see you before you went back to school.”

“Now he’s twice my height.” You gesture at the younger boy. He’s too shy with the sudden affection and chooses to bury his head in Jungwon’s shoulder. “You were so little.”

“Shut up,” he mumbles. 

“I can’t believe you’re fluent in English now.” Jungwon pushes Riki off of his arm. “You, Jake, and Jay are kind of scary when you speak English.”

“It was a little hard at first. I used to watch a lot of American cinema so I could understand it better than I could speak it. But I can’t lie, it’s fun being able to talk to them in English.”

“You were so cute trying to string phrases together during your first summer back,” Jay coos. “Texting her in English was funny because she couldn’t understand the difference between spelling.”

“Poor Jake.” You pull your head from his and look down at him. “You probably had aneurysms looking at my grammar.” 

You lift your head to see that the aforementioned has fallen asleep amongst the conversation with his mouth slightly ajar and soft snores echoing past your ear. You don’t move when Jay asks if you want Jake off of your shoulder, but you shake your head.

Conversation falls flat when the group unanimously decides that sleepiness is overtaking the need to socialize. Jay keeps checking his watch to look out for the time while your eyes try to look anywhere but at Heeseung. 

It’s odd, the way two people can lose a friendship overnight. The heartbreak that came with romantic rejection wasn’t nearly as bad as realizing texts and phone calls were far fewer in between the moment you had arrived back in Europe to finish your studies. It hurt to know that neither one of you felt comfortable enough to see each other when you were back in your hometown unless the two of you were invited to hang out with mutual friends. 

Still, seeing Heeseung after he had rejected your confession felt like a punch to the gut. 

Long gone were the days of being able to send him unimportant updates about your life abroad or what you were doing at any given summer day back home. You couldn’t ask him to go to the restaurants you used to frequent near his house or yours. You certainly couldn’t call him at random hours because you were bored and missed his voice. 

It wasn’t for the lack of trying. It felt like things might've gone back to normal after a short period of not talking, but your texts going unanswered and your calls going to voicemail was all you needed to know. 

Perhaps it’s why you’re comfortable spearheading this vacation with Jay, who had made it a point to visit you in London when you’d chosen to stay behind instead of going home for the holiday break. The two of you had never spent time alone prior to then, but it touched you that he’d go out of his way to dedicate an entire day to visit you when he was there for a family vacation. 

Coming back to Korea the summer after graduating felt like you were making the right choice, even if your head was telling you to find a home in Europe. Still fresh from your unresolved rejection, stepping off of the plane and knowing you wouldn’t be returning back to your university’s town made the uncomfortable reality of coming face-to-face with Heeseung sink in. You’d have to live with the consequences. 

But it’s been eight months since you returned, six months since Jay’s dad was gracious enough to offer you a position on his marketing team, and five months since he encouraged your entire friend group to take a trip to your old stomping grounds. 

The proposition felt too sudden, especially with how little experience you had working with his team, but you’d spend an evening with the Park family for him to consider you an honorary member. Though, you’re sure Jay might’ve told him something happened between you and Heeseung, especially after telling everyone you wouldn’t be coming home for the holidays. 

To this day, you haven’t uttered a single word to your friends about what happened the night Heeseung rejected your love confession. If you know him as well as you think you do, you don’t think he's told anyone either. 

“Cafes are opening up,” Jay notes. Sunghoon’s ears perk up. “Three of us should go get food and drinks while the rest save our seats.” 

The airport overhead lights must’ve turned on while you were deep in thought. Jay’s right, the coffee stands have opened and it’s likely due to the new influx of travelers who’ve arrived at the airport. Foot traffic is still light and you know Jay wants to get ahead of the crowd. 

Jake has woken up because of the growing murmur around him and lifts himself off of your head to wipe the sleep out of his eyes. He yawns once more but tries his best not to fall asleep again.

“How long was I out?”

“Twenty minutes, give or take,” Sunghoon answers.

“Sorry for sleeping on you,” Jake apologizes. 

“It’s okay. You needed it.” He scrunches his face, not used to the new lighting. “Jay, I’ll come with you to get coffee. I need to stretch my legs.” 

“I’ll help as well.” Heeseung speaks for the first time in a while and his voice nearly catches you off guard. 

“Sure.” Jay gathers everybody’s orders before the two of you follow him around the terminal. 

The line isn’t unbearably long, but with Heeseung towering behind you, it feels like you’ve been standing for hours. You shift from one foot to the other in order to find a happy medium to no avail. Jay orders for the group and you pay attention to him more than you care to when you realize Heeseung is now standing beside you to make room for more people to wait in line. He’s considerate like that and you hate it. 

When the baristas are finished with your order, you reach for the bag of sandwiches in your haste to escape Heeseung. But your fingers touch the steam and you drop the bag into the counter with a hiss.

“Careful,” Heeseung says. “Don’t get hurt, please.” 

Your clumsy nature was always something he teased you for. Heeseung sounds so sincere about his worry that you think you’d rather him pour all of the hot coffee on you instead. 

“Thanks.” You grab the bag with so much as a single moment of eye contact before realizing Jay has started walking back. 

Breakfast is eaten in silence. Everyone is too tired to speak, save for Jake whose twenty minute nap has rendered him a little more awake than the rest of you. You and Sunghoon share your egg sandwich and chocolate croissant respectively without a word spoken between the two of you. 

Meanwhile, Heeseung is staring at the way your thighs are close to Sunghoon’s. He had shifted his body closer to yours in order to form a makeshift table so that sharing pastries wouldn’t result in crumbs on the floor. You can feel Heeseung's gaze on your kneecap and it makes your face flush. 

Sunoo and Jake offer to throw everybody’s trash away when you’re all done eating. The airport is in full swing by now and everyone has said their graces and apologized to Jay for giving him a hard time with how early they arrived. 

It seems that sleep has threatened to overtake you. You’re waiting in line to scan your plane ticket and board the aircraft, but the sudden warmth of the airport has caused you to yawn a few too many times. Riki’s standing in front of you and his height makes for a perfect makeshift wall to lean on. Or, that’s what your tired brain is telling you, because you slouch forward and let your cheek rest against his back as you close your eyes. 

“Sleepy girl,” you hear him chuckle. You merely nod in acknowledgement. 

Your comfort is short lived when he softly nudges you because the line has moved. Soon, you scan your ticket and give the airline agent a smile as thanks before waiting to set foot on the aircraft. 

Sunghoon notices your dropped shoulders and wordlessly takes your backpack off of you. 

“You don’t need to do that,” you say with a frown when you see Sunghoon carrying your belongings with him. 

“Let me hold it,” says Sunghoon. “You look like you’re about to fall over with the extra weight.” 

“If you insist.”

“Let us take care of you, yeah?” Jay interrupts, bumps his shoulder with yours. “You’ve been running all over Europe these past four years and we’ve only seen you a handful of times. You deserve to relax on this trip.” 

“I can’t believe you guys are being so sweet on me. I know that’s ending the second we get back to Korea.” 

The two boys laugh. “Well, it’s only fair, I guess. You’re like, the mom friend.”

“Jay is the mom friend.” The aforementioned doesn’t argue. 

The squeeze of the aircraft is tight and you’re desperately trying to look for your seat. It seems that Sunghoon is sitting in your row, which excites you, but you’ve come to realize that you’ve obtained the ungodly middle seat. You make peace with it for a brief moment before Heeseung clears his throat awkwardly.

“Let’s switch seats,” he says from behind you. His ticket shows the window seat right next to yours. “I know you hate middle seats.” 

“No, I couldn’t ask that of you.” 

“You’re not asking.” He says it with a smile and it makes you cower into yourself. “You should move to your new seat so we don’t hold up the line.” 

Heeseung suggests it in a way that is reminiscent of the days where he’d give up his sweet treats because you wanted a taste. It tugs at your heartstrings but you don’t have time to think about that when you notice how the plane is starting to fill up. 

Reluctantly, you slide into the window seat while Heeseung and Sunghoon follow suit. Your seat belts are buckled and in no time, the aircraft takes flight. 

For the next hour, Heeseung looks like he wants to say something to you. The headphones you've brought do well to cancel out the noise, for the most part. You can see from the corner of your eye that he glances at you from time to time, but you ignore it and choose to get comfortable for the long haul. 

When you notice the flight attendants come with the beverage cart, you take it as a cue to get comfortable and try to get some sleep for the next few hours. Likely due to the lack of sleep from the night prior, you fall asleep as soon as your head rests against the plane.

You don’t hear Heeseung requesting an extra bottle of water for you.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

When you come to, you’re barely able to register that it’s time to eat the first meal on the flight. You take your headphones off and put it in your backpack as you blink the sleep out of your eyes. 

“Chicken or beef?” 

Heeseung looks at you, expecting an answer.

“Hm?”

He laughs softly. “Chicken or beef?” 

Your eyes dart between him and the flight attendants when you realize they’re about to approach.

“I heard them asking people which meal they want,” Heeseung explains. “So, chicken or beef?”

“Beef.” You clear your throat. 

“Beef it is.”

Sunghoon requests chicken when the flight attendant arrives. Heeseung orders beef for the both of you before you get the chance. If he notices you looking at him strangely, he doesn’t comment on it. 

The food comes quicker than expected and the meal tastes decent, though you’re trying your best not to elbow Heeseung as you cut away at your portion. He seems engrossed in the movie in front of him while you peek at what he’s watching—Iron Man, to no one’s shock. 

You soften a bit at the nostalgia that comes with Heeseung and Marvel, namely the rainy days in your youth spent marathoning the superhero movies. There had been one year in high school when he’d dressed up as Tony Stark and you as Pepper Potts despite a few girls your age whispering behind your back at the matching costumes out of jealousy. You don’t think you can think of the franchise without thinking of Heeseung. 

The memories almost bring a smile to your face. Heeseung seems to notice you glancing at his screen in between bites. You avoid eye contact when you realize he caught you staring and focus on cutting your meal, praying that Heeseung will stop looking at you and watch the movie instead. 

But he takes one earbud out and holds it to you. 

“Do you want to watch it with me?” He’s halfway through. You tell him such but he doesn’t care. 

“I don’t want to jump in halfway through.” 

“Come on, it’s not like you haven’t done that before.” 

Heeseung says it with such nonchalance that it makes your stomach drop. He sees the way your eyes falter for a moment and the way you glance between his hand and the screen. You try to come up with excuses to refuse his offer, but you’ve got eight more hours until you land.

“Sure,” you settle. Heeseung gives you one headphone and resumes watching.

Between the meals being picked up and tray tables being put away, you manage to fall asleep in your seat. Sunoo sits in front of you and upon coming back from a quick bathroom trip, sees your head resting on Heeseung’s shoulder with his cheek propped on your head. The two of you are fast asleep despite the credits rolling and he can’t help but snap a quick photo. 

You wake up some hours later when Sunghoon says your name. The cabin lights turning on temporarily blinds your vision as you wake up when you realize you’d managed to push yourself back enough to rest yourself against Heeseung’s arm. 

“Oh God,” you say in shock, pulling yourself and the seat upright. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to fall asleep on you.”

“It’s okay,” he replies, like he means it. “Sleeping on planes is uncomfortable. But I know you know that.” 

You nod. “Yeah. It's too hard to get comfortable.”

“I can’t believe we’re spending two weeks in Europe. I’ve never been outside of Korea and Japan before. You’ll have to help me with my English.”

“Jay or Jake can also help with that.” You say it with a yawn and Heeseung’s eyes cast to the floor for a brief moment. You barely notice, gathering your own belongings as the flight descends. 

“Yeah, I guess they can.” 

When you land, the familiar disorientation of the time difference truly wakes you up. It’s eleven in the morning when the plane door finally opens and Jay’s moving a step ahead of you as he occupies space in the aisle way to grab his belongings. You follow suit and wait for your turn to exit amongst your friends and other travel goers.

Stepping out of the plane and into the familiar terrain of the Heathrow Airport reignites your attentiveness and you smile at the fond memories of being greeted by your university friends upon arriving. The familiar atmosphere of English travelers milling around the gate warms your chest with nostalgia. 

You wait for the boys to emerge before signaling Jay, who follows beside you as you walk towards the baggage claim area. You lead him with little trouble down the escalator as the rest of your friends follow suit, yawning in an attempt to wake themselves up. 

“It’s weird seeing you in your element,” Jay comments as he stands beside you, periodically checking the turnstile for his luggage. “A good kind of weird.” 

“This airport might as well be my second home,” you tell him. “It feels routine to wait for my luggage at this point.”

“I’m tempted to sleep when we get to the hotel but I don’t want to mess up my sleep schedule more than it already is.” Jay pulls his luggage. 

“Yeah, that’s smart. I think we should take an hour to freshen up and find a place to eat before we go exploring.”

“I can already hear Jake whining about it.” 

The two of you share a laugh. “He’ll just have to get used to it. We can have an early night and rest up before we explore tomorrow.” 

“He slept on the plane, for the most part,” Jay informs. “Surprisingly, he didn’t snore as loudly as he usually does.” He spots your luggage and takes it off of the belt for you. 

On the other side of the carousel, Heeseung and Sunoo are standing together to find their own luggages. 

“You guys looked pretty cozy,” Sunoo comments. “It was nice seeing you two like that again.”

“It felt nice,” he mutters. “I really missed her.” 

Heeseung doesn’t have to tell Sunoo what happened between the two of you for him to know that you two aren’t as close as you used to be. The older boy feels nearly ashamed that his own friends have caught up on his awkward demeanor.

“Well, she’s back for good and we’re here on vacation. Try not to dwell on whatever it is that’s making you think too hard.”

Heeeung laughs. “I’ll try, Sunoo. It’s just hard when we’re not as close. How can I compete when we’re in her college town and how will I talk to her in Paris?”

“Well, you never know,” Sunoo says as he picks up his luggage. “Anything can happen in the City of Love.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The hotel itself is modest in size. Quaint, old cobblestone surrounding the entryway like you remember it. The people are busy walking in and out of the meeting rooms in the lobby as you walk to the concierge to sort out the rooming situation. Jay stands beside to help distribute the keys and the employee behind the desk bids you a good stay. 

The view from the fifth floor is spectacular already. You catch glimpses of the streets of London below you, street lights decorating the sidewalk and flowers surrounding the city. This feels like the London you remember and it adds a slight pep in your step. 

“Alright, it’s decided that three of you are gonna share,” you say as you reach the first room. “The other four will be split into two rooms and I’ll get a room for myself.”

“That’s not fair,” Jake huffs. 

“I refuse to share a room with any of you.” You pocket the key to the single bedroom. “Plus, Jay’s mom helped me make the arrangements when we planned the trip.”

“Favoritism,” Jake coughs. You nudge his side.

“To make it fair, everyone will pick up a key card without knowing the room number and flip it. That’ll determine who you room with.”

“Alright,” Jungwon says. “Fair enough.”

One by one, your friends pick their key cards and discover their roommates. Jake, Sunoo, and Riki are the unlucky three who will be rooming together for the duration of the week. Jay and Sunghoon are in the room directly across from theirs while Heeseung and Jungwon share a room. 

“Let’s meet at the lobby in an hour,” Jay suggests. “We can get some lunch and do some exploring before deciding on dinner.”

“We can take it easy and sleep early tonight,” you add in. “I know that flying internationally is always a bitch and I try to time my sleep when I need to.”

The eight of you part ways. Your suite has a beautiful view of the sky and the room itself makes you feel like the main character of a romance film. The bed is just to your liking with pillows stacked to the nines. It feels nice to have a moment to yourself. With your friend Yunjin backing out of the trip at the last minute due to family conflicts, you hadn’t had time to think about anything other than arriving at the hotel safely. 

You busy yourself with a shower and freshen up, pulling out options for you to wear for the rest of the night. You settle with something stylish yet comfortable and put enough makeup on your face until you’re satisfied with the person staring back at you in the bathroom mirror. 

True to your word, you enter the lobby when you said you would. Jay and Sunghoon are already downstairs by the seats. Sunghoon stands to offer you the loveseat but you decline politely and sift through your phone until the rest of the guys arrive. 

When they do, it’s like all eight of you collectively agree that hunger has overtaken you. You know of a nearby cafe that serves sandwiches from your days in university. You lead them to the quaint restaurant that has your friends staring at the art on the walls as you greet the cashier and order. 

It’s a slow moment for the eight of you as you all eat in relative silence, the sound of quiet slurping audible from the coffees everyone has chosen to drink. 

“Did you spend a lot of time here?” Jungwon asks. 

“Around the area, yeah,” you say, looking around. The outdoor seating area is just towards the edge of the street with the weather being a cool, cloudy day. “I loved coming to cafe’s like these with my friends after class. We’d study until they kicked us out and then go for a drink or two.” 

“We should go to a pub while we’re here,” Jake suggests. “I’ve always wanted to see an English pub. We have a few back in Australia.” 

“I know just the place! My friend’s brother owns it and they know I’ll be in town for the next week. It would be nice to catch up with them.” 

“Hopefully your friends here kept you out of trouble,” Sunghoon teases. You flick him with your fingers. 

“I’m the most responsible one out of you seven and don’t you forget that.” 

“Do you miss being here now that you’re back?” Riki asks in between sandwich bites. “God, I love London already.” 

“You’re going to choke if you don’t slow down.” He apologies and takes a single bite. “Well, I think I miss my friends a lot. I don’t necessarily miss being in university, but I miss the freedoms that come with it.”

“I still can’t believe you spent four years of your life here,” Sunghoon says. “That’s insane when you think about how you cried when your aunt took you to Tokyo for a week when you were in middle school.”

The boys laugh and you frown. “I was twelve, okay? You wound me. But yeah, I think I grew out of my shell in high school and had this urge to travel but didn’t know how to do it. I was surprised when my parents encouraged me to apply to King’s College, even more so when I got accepted.”

“You’ve always been too good to stay in one place for too long,” Jake says. “We got close until halfway through our first year of high school, I think. I always got the sense that you wanted more than what our hometown could offer.” 

“I always wanted to move to the heart of Seoul eventually. But I think I needed to come here in order to figure that out.”

“Would you really have stayed in London if you had the chance?” 

You avoid looking at Heeseung, whose attention averted from his phone to you. 

“I don’t know,” you say honestly. “But what I do know is that I’m happy to be back in Korea and I’m happy to be traveling to Europe.” 

“You always did have that sense of adventure,” Heeseung says. “I remember you were the one who always got us in trouble when we explored a little too far.” 

“Your mom was pissed that time I walked a little too far down the shoreline when we went to Jeju.” The memory feels warm despite your discomfort at having Heeseung’s eyes on you. “I didn’t know who she wanted to kill more, me or you.”

“Definitely me. You could do no wrong in her eyes.”

“What happened?” Sunoo asks. 

“My family and Heeseung’s took a trip to Jeju Island when we were around seven, if I remember correctly. I’d taken swimming lessons and thought I could show off my new skills at the beach we were at, but there was a wave that was a bit too much for me to handle.”

“She was nearly swallowed by the ocean.” Heeseung hits his knee with his palm as he recalls the memory. “I mean, I was seven and it seemed like the wave was gigantic but to my mom, it must’ve been just tall enough that she could see over it.”

“She yelled at him for the rest of the night because she had to pull me out from under the water,” you add. “I was fine. My parents laughed it off but his mom was so pissed at him for not telling me to come back to the shore.”

Echoes of laughter fill the space. It feels nice to be able to laugh like this with Heeseung, temporarily forgetting why you were so awkward around him in the first place. 

When the check is paid, you lead the group around the area. Sunghoon takes out his camera and captures everything that inspires him while Sunoo and Riki are off to explore the shops around. It brings warmth to your chest to see your friends enthusiastically exploring the space you once called home. It had been a dream of yours since Jay came to visit and let you drag him around town for the day. Having them with you feels like you’re healing a part of yourself. 

You duck into the quiet bookstore you used to frequent while you were a student. Filled with novels and trinkets from floor to ceiling, it feels familiar to you. 

You get lost in thought when you glance at the books in front of you and you don’t notice Heeseung approaching. 

“Still love books?” 

“Jesus,” you gasp, clutching your chest. “You scared me.”

“Sorry,” he laughs. “Seems like you still scare easily.” You hate that he knows you so well. Clearing your throat, you put the book back. 

“Yes, to both. I used to come to this bookstore a lot when I had free time.” 

He looks around. “It looks like a nice place.”

“They have a reading nook in the back. The owner is this sweet older woman who was the first person to help me with my English when I first moved. I think she let me read books for free because I used to bring her sweets.”

“That sounds like something you’d do.” You cast your eyes to the floor. “It’s crazy that there’s parts of you that I don’t know.” 

“Yeah,” you mumble solemnly. Heeseung’s eyes bore into the side of your face as you pretend to look at the titles of the books. 

“Do you talk to your college friends often?” 

“All the time. My closest friends live all over the place. Two of them are from the area, one went to live in the States, and a few live in Busan.”

“I’ll bet it was nice to have some Korean friends when you moved. I remember you used call me to tell me about your first semester here.” 

You can’t help but think about the first few months after you moved when you would call Heeseung for a bit of comfort when things felt too overwhelming. With Korea being nine hours ahead, you always felt a little too bothersome phoning when it was the middle of the night for him, not used to the time difference. But he always answered you or called back when he had the chance. 

You’d spend hours on the phone, talking to him about how difficult it was to learn English and how making friends was not as easy as you thought it would be. Navigating the city felt lonely and isolating because you’d barely made friends in your classes in the first few weeks. Heeseung was there through all of it, reminding you that being eighteen years old in a new country made you brave despite feeling like you were a failure for not grasping a hold on life like you thought you would. 

Falling asleep on the phone with him became a routine, too. Whether it was you who fell asleep after a long day or Heeseung, who had stayed up listening to your worries, the sound of his breathing made it feel like you were back home in Korea instead of exploring a grand new world. 

Soon enough, you could talk your way around and piece together conversations with your classmates until you’d found friends who shared similar interests. Heeseung was the first person you told and the first person to tell you how proud he was that you extended your roots to learn about yourself away from home. You always thrived off of his praise as if making him proud was something you never sought out to do, but appreciated when it happened.

But that was four years ago. Whatever friendship you had with him then is not the one you have with him now. 

“It was nice,” you settle. “I miss my college friends. You might get to meet some later in the week.” 

“Nice,” he mutters to himself when you walk past him. “That’s really nice.” 

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The rest of the week is spent in your old stomping grounds, from touring your campus, to shopping, to sightseeing. The eight of you split up more often than not to explore different areas based on mutual interest. You find that Heeseung tends to gravitate towards you and you aren’t sure if it’s because he feels guilty for rejecting you or because he genuinely wants to explore what you want to do. 

Still though, at least one other person joins you. It feels nice to have a buffer to avoid any awkward conversation or moments, especially when Heeseung trips over his words trying to talk to you. 

The week goes by too quickly for your liking. Spending time in London has felt like coming back home, in a way. You’ll always have your memories here and this city will remain the same when you return in the future. Now, it no longer feels like the place you escape too because things got too hard back home. 

Even with Heeseung next to you more often than not, you’ve found a happy medium The awkwardness dissipates when you set aside your indifference to show everybody your favorite places, watching them explore the city for themselves. 

As expected, Riki and Jake have spent a little too much on clothing with the hopes that they can fit it into their luggage on the way back. It fits miraculously. 

Your friend Leo, the one whose brother owns the pub you used to frequent, tells you he’s excited to see you after all these months. It’s a Friday night when you arrive, seeing it well populated. But it’s rather early in the evening before the rush hour, so you enjoy the relative quietness before people rush in. 

Heeseung, on the other hand, has been in a stupor for the latter half of the week. It began when he managed to talk to you in the bookstore, but blossomed when he watched you navigate your way around the city. You barely looked at your phone for directions and had no problem switching to English when you greeted shop owners. Hearing you speak fluently in a language you once struggled with in your childhood made him feel somewhat removed from your life. The two of you used to joke that he was always better with English. Now, the tables have turned. 

The fear that you’d told your school friends about what transpired between the two of you plants itself in the back of Heeseung’s mind. He worries that your friends won’t like him and that you’ve scorned his name, but he chides himself just as much as he worries because he knows you and how deeply you care about people. 

Heeseung wishes he could go back in time to change what happened. He wishes that he’d admit his mistake and confess to you before you left. It had taken him a long time to confront his own feelings, but seeing you back in Korea made him realize he didn’t care if the relationship was long distance or not. He didn’t care as long as you were in his life. 

The months spent apart without phone calls or texts were agony. He loathed hearing what you were up to from your mutual friends or when he accidentally watched your Instagram stories. Seeing you happy without him made his heart lurch, not out of possessiveness, but because he wished you were comfortable enough to share those moments with him. 

To boil it down, Heeseung hopes this trip can undo a year’s worth of his ignorance. 

But before he can think about that, your exclamation pulls him towards a strange man before you. 

“Leo!” 

The sheer volume of your voice doesn’t go unnoticed by Heeseung, who eyes the bloke the second you make a dash for him. His heart winces when your arms wrap around the stranger’s neck and as he spins you around, squeezing you for good measure. He isn’t pleased when Leo settles to let his arm rest around your waist instead of letting you go. He’s even less so when you don’t attempt to separate yourself from him. 

“Hey, pretty girl,” Leo says with a boyish grin, accent making Heeseung nearly roll his eyes. 

“This is Leo.” You let your head rest on his shoulder for a brief moment. “He’s one of my friends from university. I think we met in, what, second year?” 

“Second year, auditing class with Professor Donahue on Mondays and Wednesdays,” he says. “God, that class was so boring.” 

“He’s the friend whose brother owns the bar,” you explain to them. You introduce Leo to each friend respectively. “Jay and Jake are my friends who are fluent in English.” 

“You can speak it and understand it as well, right?” Leo asks as he shakes Heeseung’s hand.

He nods while giving him a tight smile. “Just a little. I’m practicing.” 

“Nah, you sound perfect already.”

Heeseung feels indifferent to see you in your element with people from your past. The bartender, who is Leo’s brother, tells you the first two rounds are on the house after he checks IDs. Riki and Jungwon are excited to have their first pub experience after you make them promise to take it slow and drink lots of water in between. 

“It’s a bit weird seeing her be like that,” Leo says to Jay with a laugh. “When we first got to know each other, it was me who had to tell her to watch how much she drank.”

“Y/N, drinking?” Jake asks. “No way. Back in Korea, she got drunk maybe twice a year.” 

“She and a mutual friend, Elizabeth, were as thick as thieves. They were like a package deal before we all graduated and until she moved to the States. They’d always go a little too hard after exam season was over or if people invited them out on a Saturday night.”

“Y/N’s always been the responsible one out of the bunch,” Jay adds. “In high school, there was one time she got so drunk that she nearly scaled the roof of my friend’s house. Heeseung nearly fell off trying to get her down. After that, she swore off alcohol.” 

Heeseung makes a few comments in the conversation as he watches you catch up with Leo’s brother and as you facilitate conversation between the rest of the guys. There’s a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realizes there’s a lot he doesn’t know about you. 

The two of you talked less as you became more comfortable in your environment. At first, Heeseung took it to heart and made the assumption that you’d chosen your friends in England over him, but a stern conversation with his mother made him realize he was being juvenile. He could only comfort you so much when he was oceans away. It was probably a good thing that you were talking to him less because that must’ve meant you were as overwhelmed or scared like you were when you first moved to England. 

You’d still call him a few times a week before bed–when Heeseung was getting ready for the day–to update him on everything that happened in the past week. You two texted more frequently than you conversed, sending him pictures of new places you’d discovered or him sending photos of your mutual friends with sad faces at the notion of you not being able to be there with them. 

Heeseung had always felt a bit jealous of your time abroad. He loved Korea, but he yearned for the same sense of adventure you once had. Only, he hadn’t figured it out until halfway through university when it was too late to transfer or apply for a semester abroad. When Jay had proposed this trip and that his father would expense half of it, he jumped at the opportunity to go. 

Although, he didn’t know it would hurt him this much.

Hearing you talk about your life here made him feel like it was his fault that he barely knew your life in England. It was so easy when the two of you lived a few blocks from each other; he’d run into you with your other friends on the street or know exactly where you were likely to be at any given moment. He knew you felt the same way about him too, as you always knew where to find him if you really needed him. 

But it feels like this is the first time he’s seeing you for who you are as an adult, not the child that he grew up with. 

Surely, Heeseung always knew you had a good head on your shoulders. You were always the more outspoken one who stood up for what you believed in, no matter how big or small. You never backed down if someone was giving you a hard time and it was one of the reasons why Heeseung had struck up a conversation with you as you two played in the sandbox after a few kids had stolen the toys he was playing with. That sense of responsibility and gratuity followed you into your adolescent and teenage years, too. Not once had Heeseung heard anyone say a bad word about your character. He’d like to think he had something to do with it, but deep down, Heeseung knows it was all you. 

When you confessed nearly a year ago, Heeseung felt like his heart might’ve ceased to function properly. Truth be told, he’s never taken his daydreams about being your boyfriend too seriously. He always wondered if it was normal to develop small crushes on your girl-friends at a young age and wondered if those butterflies in his stomach was because of how often his other friends at school would playfully tease him until they stopped. Jake and Sunghoon had been people who teased him for having a girl as his best friend until they befriended you too, and Heeseung was satisfied when they stopped with their comments. They, too, could understand why Heeseung was so keen on keeping you around. 

But the butterflies never quite left him. Your smile was too bright. Your voice was too angelic. Everything about you and how you fit into his life felt a little too perfect; Heeseung hated cliches in his youth and this felt like one big cliche joke. He knew his mother didn’t approve of the girls she’d see him with, even in college when he got into his first serious relationship. She wasn’t as enthusiastic about her as she was with you. At the time, the frustration seemed too biased until it ended in a way that made Heeseung realize his mother truly knew what was best for him.

Heeseung never considered the possibility of dating you until you confessed your feelings for him. 

As much as he plays off being the spontaneous, go-with-the-flow type of person, Heeseung gets scared when things go unplanned. He backs away from courage and from moments that make or break his character. He likes to play it safe unless he can make a calculated risk in his favor, choosing to let others fall flat on their face and learn from their mistakes. Heeseung had never considered the possibility of you having feelings for him either. That fateful summer night is one he will always remember, especially in the way the light in your eyes dimmed when he told you he didn’t feel the same. 

He remembers your quick apologies and the way you backed away too quickly for his liking. He had tried to reach for your hand to tell you it was okay and that he didn’t feel awkward about it, but you’d shook your head and merely told him you’d see him later. Heeseung had never seen you leave so abruptly. But he figured you’d get over it, as you typically do when things don’t go your way. You’re resilient like that.

Heeseung assumed you needed time to heal from the awkward encounter and hadn’t reached out to you for a week. He didn’t think much of it at the time and hadn’t made plans with you until he realized you’d be leaving for Europe the week following. By then, it had been too late, because he stopped by your house the morning after you left. 

Getting together with Seulgi after you left felt too easy. He knew she’d always had a thing for him but brushed her off for reasons he couldn’t fathom until he bumped into her a few weeks after you’d left without so much as a text or a voicemail. Feeling a bit irritated at your wordless departure, Heeseung took Seulgi out on a few days to take his mind off of you.

Except, it didn’t work. Heeseung found himself fantasizing about what it would be like to go out to dinner with you when she was sitting in front of him. When she’d texted him to thank him for his time, Heeseung imagined the kind of things you would say after your first date. When he kissed her for the first time underneath the twinkling lights of a local fair, Heeseung pictured you as he closed his eyes. The fantasy was ruined when Seulgi’s perfume touched his olfactory senses, pulling him back into reality. The guilt of kissing somebody who wasn’t you ate at his chest the moment he saw Seulgi smile at him from where he stood. 

He tried his best with her but broke it off when the unrest overtook his mental wellbeing. It was amicable, for the most part. All Heeseung knows is that his parents (along with all of his friends) were happy that he hadn’t continued with that relationship.

“Y/N used to talk a lot about you, Heeseung,” Leo says, bringing the aforementioned out of his thoughts. “We’d be out at dinner or something and she’d always run outside to answer your calls.”

“Really?” Heeseung says out of surprise. He didn’t know you did that. 

“You bet,” Leo replies. “She talked a lot about Korea when we’d hang out with our friends but she seemed to talk about you the most.” 

Heeseung wonders if you told him about what happened between the two of you the summer before you left. 

“I’m flattered.” Heeseung honestly doesn’t know what else to say. He chooses to tell the truth. “I missed her a lot. I grew up with her living a few blocks away. It felt weird not to be with her when I went to college.” 

“Y/N said the same thing. Every time she’d be homesick, she’d tell us she needed to call you.” Leo’s words bring a warm flush to Heeseung’s face but he chooses to blame it on the alcohol. 

“I heard my name,” you say as you walk to where they’re sitting. “Not talking shit about me, my dear Leo?”

“Never,” he teases. “Although, I’m sure I still have some pretty photos of you and Elizabeth at this very pub.”

“Oh God, please don’t.” You push his shoulder when he moves to reach his phone. “Those do not need to see the light of day and you definitely need to delete them.”

“How else am I going to blackmail you?” 

“You’re the worst.” You look cute when your nose is a bit red from drinking. You always did suffer from redness to the face when you drank. “I can’t believe Elizabeth and I let you into our friend group.”

“Hey! I was the one who introduced you to her in the first place.”

“I’ll bet if I texted her right now, I’d have it in writing that she’d choose me over you.”

“Okay, you don’t need to do that because she definitely would.” 

The group laughs and conversations flow nicely as a few other friends from your university days join you later in the evening. It feels like a reunion, of sorts. It feels especially wonderful to have most of your favorite people under one roof despite the slight language barrier. But everyone seems to get along well enough, especially Riki, who has taken a liking to your Japanese friend you met on your first day of orientation. 

When the room gets too hot, you make your way outside where you’re fenced in by a metal barricade. It’s cold outside, but the alcohol running through your veins keeps you warm enough that you decide not to go back to ask for a jacket. Heeseung wants to follow you but stays still in his seat when he sees Sunghoon exit the door after you leave. 

The wine in your hands is still halfway full. You’ve decided that you’ve taken the lead far too many times this week and that Jay can handle getting everyone home. It’s your fourth drink of the night, just enough to keep you buzzed for the duration of your time at the pub. 

You register the door sliding open and make room for Sunghoon when you spot him over your shoulder. 

“Your friends are really nice,” he comments, leaning on the railing next to you. 

“They’re the best,” you say with a fond smile. “I owe them a lot. I only started enjoying my time here when we became friends.” 

“You know, I was a little worried that you wouldn’t be happy when you moved to London for the first time.”

“What makes you say that?” 

“I think a lot of people would describe you as brave and as someone who will dive in head first to things that scare you, which is true for the most part. But I think people rarely pay attention to the vulnerable side of people like you because it looks like you have it all together.”

“I was a total wreck when I first moved,” you said. “I don’t know if you remember the few times I called you when Heeseung wasn’t able to pick up.”

“Oh, I remember. That was the first time you cried to me and now you have no issue getting your snot on my sweaters.” You swat his arm at the joke but he dodges you just in time. “I remember Yeji getting worried about you too. She was so young and always said she wanted to be brave like you.”

“Sweet girl,” you say. 

“The two of you are similar. I watch out for her a lot, you know? Our relatives always think she puts on a brave face and don’t think twice when she talks about her fears. They always tell her she’ll be fine, but it’s hard to actualize that when you don’t believe it.”

“I thought about coming home a few times when things got really hard,” you confess. “I was out of my depth because I couldn’t speak English very well. I could only speak fragments and getting my way around campus was so hard.” 

“I don’t know how you did it, if I’m being honest. But I’m glad that you stuck around long enough to see what your life would be like.”

“Me too. I’d really love to think I’ve become a better person now that I’ve gotten the chance to know myself beyond the comfort of my home, you know? I love you guys and I love my family, but sometimes being back in Korea felt like I was listening to what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.”

Sunghoon laughs. “Yeji said the same thing a few weeks before we left for London. Part of me thinks she’s considering studying abroad. I found a few college brochures in her room.”

“Don’t you know better than to snoop inside your sister’s bedroom?”

“Yah,” he says. “Yeji steals too many of my sweaters and she said I could get them back.”

“You’re just too easy to make fun of, Hoonie.” 

A comfortable silence passes over the both of you. The audible sound of people talking amongst themselves and the beautiful lights of the city illuminate what makes London so beautiful. It isn’t until Sunghoon speaks that you pull yourself out of your daydreams.

“I heard you that night,” Sunghoon confesses. 

“What are you talking about?” 

“The night of the bonfire.I know you told Heeseung you liked him.”

You turn your head to him. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I figured you’d tell me whenever you felt ready,” he says with a shrug. “You went back to London a couple of weeks later and I wanted to spend time with my friend. There never seemed to be a right time.” He shoves his hands in his pockets and balances from one leg to another. “You looked really sad, Y/N. I’ve never seen you look that way before.” 

There’s a beat of silence. 

Sunghoon listens as you sigh and you push yourself from the railing. Your back touches the cold metal as you look beside yourself to see him. 

“I deluded myself into thinking Heeseung might’ve felt something for me too,” you admit. “It’s not that girls and boys can’t be friends, but towards the end of our friendship, it was like something shifted.”

“What do you mean?”

“He’d…touch me longer. Hugs, pulling me by my waist at parties, lingering near me at Riki’s bonfires, that kind of thing. He started playing with my fingers a lot more. Heeseung never used to touch me like that. He’d interrupt conversation with guys to pull me away. I always knew what he was doing but I liked him so much that I didn’t care if he interrupted a good thing between me and someone else.” 

Sunghoon purses his lips and watches as you look ahead at the glass doors to see your friends laughing. “I noticed that too.”

“When we were alone, it felt like he was one sentence away from telling me he loved me more than a friend. Not that platonic crap that the eight of us tell each other, but the deep shit where that kind of love comes from kindred souls.” 

“Heeseung’s too stupid to see what’s good for him anyway.” Sunghoon pulls a laugh out of you and he’s glad to hear it. 

“But then I confessed to him the night of that bonfire.” You bite your lip at the memory, willing yourself not to tear up. “I mean, you heard him. He told me he didn’t feel the same way and didn’t want to ruin our friendship because it was perfect as it was.”

“And then you heard he’d gotten together with Seulgi.”

“Yeah.” You nod once and look down at your drink. 

“They weren’t together long,” Sunghoon says. “She wanted more but he didn’t want to give that to her. The boys were confused because he seemed to be really happy with her until he broke it off so sudden. I always thought it was because he felt too guilty after rejecting you.”

“What did the guys think?”

“Riki hated her. I have a feeling it was because she wasn’t you, though. I think Sunoo, Jungwon, and Jake were surprised when he’d gotten together with Seulgi after you left and were trying to be nice about it. Jay was indifferent, but then again, you two weren’t as close as you were with the rest of them until he visited you while you were away.”

“Did his opinion change?” 

“Definitely. Heeseung had a period of time in the new year where he went on a couple of dates with her, telling us he might’ve made a mistake by breaking things off too soon.” Sunghoon shakes his head as he tells the story. “Jay was unbelievably pissed.”

“What do you mean?”

“You know how he gets when he’s angry. He’s quiet and doesn’t talk until he’s calm. But it was like a volcano erupted, or something. Jay came back mid January to find out Heeseung had been seeing Seulgi for a couple of weeks and completely lost it on him. He said things about not knowing a good thing if it spat in his face and how he ruined every chance of happiness because of his own doing.” 

“Wow…I didn’t know Jay said that.”

“It was scary. Heeseung tried to fight back and say it was his life and that Jay didn’t have a right to say what he could and couldn’t do, but the poor guy never stood a chance. Jay asked him if he would be happy if you came back to see him dating Seulgi and that shut him up real quick.”

“What do I have to do with it?” you ask. “He rejected me before I left.” 

“I don’t know,” Sunghoon says truthfully. “I always thought that Heeseung was trying to redeem himself through Seulgi. But I guess we’ll never truly know.” 

“It’s been almost a year,” you reminisce. “You’d think I would’ve gotten over him by now after spending time in Europe with, well, other boys.”

“He’s not just any guy who rejected you,” Sunghoon says. He looks out at the street, finding the words to say. “You two had been best friends since before me or the guys got to know either of you. There’s a special kind of bond between people who grew up together, you know?

“I think a large part of you misses being friends with him. Sure, rejection always stings, but it’s knowing that you don’t have your best friend that hurts you more.”

“Jeez,” you chide. “You always know how I feel.”

Sunghoon laughs. “I’m just observant. I know that it’s hard to be on this trip because Heeseung’s trying to be that friend you once knew. He probably feels guilty for giving you the cold shoulder during your first few weeks back in Seoul.”

You roll your eyes. “Yeah, well he’s not doing a great job showing it. Life would be easier if he left me alone.”

“But do you want that?” 

You cast your eyes to the floor. “No, I don’t.” 

Satisfied with your answer, Sunghoon nods. 

“You know, I knew Heeseung had feelings for you the night we played spin the bottle just before we graduated high school.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, Hoon. He never liked me.” 

Sunghoon shakes his head. “Do you remember what happened that night?” 

“Vaguely. I remember that being my first time trying alcohol and Jake having to cut me off when I couldn’t walk straight.”

He nods. “When you were sober enough to string a few sentences together, some girl suggested playing spin the bottle. When it was your turn to spin, it landed on me.” 

You make a face. “Ah. I do remember kissing you.” 

“Well you don’t have to look grossed out,” Sunghoon teases. “Everyone knew it was awkward because we’d been friends for like, five years at that point. We were both so flustered that the kiss lasted for maybe two seconds before everyone cheered.

“Heeseung was pissed. I saw him looking at me like I’d killed his family, or something. I swore I could see steam coming out of his ears. He wouldn’t talk to me for a week because I’d been your first kiss.”

“Seriously?” 

“Dead serious.” Sunghoon laughs at the memory. “He wouldn’t answer my texts. In the group chat we were in, he’d acknowledge everyone but me. It wasn’t until a week later when we were all hanging out that I told him there was nothing between us and it was awkward to kiss you in front of our friends.” 

You stand there, dumbfounded. “Huh.”

“I’ve never told anyone that,” he confesses. “I doubt anyone remembers us kissing except for him. I assumed this would be a story I’d tell you and the guys when you both eventually got together.” 

He murmurs an apology. “It’s okay, Hoon. I’m glad you told me. I guess I’m just…confused. Why did he reject me if he allegedly liked me?” 

“I wish I knew. He was miserable when you left and refused to talk about you moving back to Europe for your final year abroad. Heeseung was really sad when he found out you weren’t coming home for Christmas break.” 

“I couldn’t bear to see him. I was so heartbroken and the friends here tonight were consoling me in the way they knew how. I knew I’d be a depressed wreck if I came back home.”

“That makes sense,” Sunghoon affirms for you. “I’m glad you met up with Jay while he was here, though. You got some kind of Christmas gift from home.” 

“Me too. I feel like Jay and I got closer because of it. I knew he could tell something was off but he didn’t say anything about it. Something tells me he knows more than he cares to say.” 

“You know Jay.” You both nod. “More observant and caring than the rest of us. Part of me thinks Heeseung’s jealous of your new friendship with him since the two of you basically planned this whole trip on your own.” 

“Well, Jay has more international travel experience and his dad knows the right people,” you say with a shrug. “I spent four years of my life here. It makes sense.”

“To us, yes. To Heeseung? I think his feelings cloud his judgment.” 

“He never used to confuse me,” you admit. “We used to talk about how much we hated when people made us guess how they felt or what they were thinking. We always said it was unfair if you make people you love, make you guess their intentions. But he’s doing that to me and it’s been driving me insane.

“Sometimes I wonder if I should’ve kept my mouth shut. I watched him date girls in high school. I watched him with what I thought would be his first serious girlfriend during our first year of college before he went through that short hookup phase. God, that hurt me so bad and I couldn’t say anything because it wasn’t my life.” 

“For what it’s worth, I think it was brave of you to confess to him,” Sunghoon tells you. “I don’t say that as a cheap cop out to make you feel better either. You know me, I’m really sentimental about things even if I don’t come off that way. To confess your feelings to someone who you love…one can only hope to hear that someday.” 

You nudge your shoulder with his. “You say that like you didn’t have girls begging for a date.” 

Sunghoon laughs and you know what he means. 

“You’ve always been the bravest of all of us,” he continues. “I think the reason why I wanted to be friends with you when we were kids is because you didn’t take bullshit from people. I was too shy to stand up for myself between my career as a figure skater while trying to be a normal kid. You and Heeseung offered that kind of normalcy. I could see you two in the bleachers at my competitions and then we’d go out for ice cream like it was any other day.” 

“Well, now you’re going to make me cry.” 

“I mean it, Y/N. You’re a great friend and a great person. I hope Heeseung hasn’t fucked things up too bad that you leave his life for good.” 

You shiver. “Me too.” 

“Talk to him,” Sunghoon advises. “Do it before we leave. You’re removed from your life back home.” You open your mouth to refute but he beats you to the chase. “If it doesn’t work out, then you’ll know your answer when you go home and you can resume your life without Heeseung in it.” 

Sunghoon leaves you alone with your thoughts but makes you promise that you’ll join the group soon.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

When you walk back into the pub, Jake clouds your personal space before you can even think about ordering another drink.

“Jesus, Hoon. Couldn’t you have offered Y/N your jacket if you guys were gonna be out that long? Poor girl looks like she’s about to freeze to death.

Jake’s affinity for the dramatic never ceases. Your friends look at your goosebumps and the way you’re acclimating to the warmer temperature inside while Sunghoon merely rolls his eyes.

“I’m fine,” you say. “We only came in because I started to get cold.”

“Let me get my jacket for you,” Heeseung says as he rises from his seat. 

“No.” You’re sure you say it too abruptly, but you can’t bear the thought of wearing his clothes after the conversation you just had. “I’m fine, honestly.” 

“Stop being stubborn and wear a damn jacket,” Leo chides, wrapping his coat around your shoulders. “You have this habit of never bringing one when you need it and it drives me crazy.” 

“But that’s what I have you for, don’t I?” 

As you tug the material closer to your body, Sunghoon watches as Heeseung stares at Leo with a hard expression. 

“Not when you’re back in Seoul, you goof.” Leo takes your empty glass. “I’m glad you have these guys back at home. They seem really good for you.” 

“I love them a lot.” You say it so tenderly with your head tilted as you look at the boys you’d call family, only for them to coo at your clearly vulnerable, inebriated state.

“My mother, my older sister, and best friend,” Riki says with a hiccup as he engulfs you in a hug. “Seriously, I would be dead in a ditch without you.” 

“I don’t know a better person,” Sunoo chimes in from where he’s seated. 

“There was one time where Y/N had this lemon phase where she couldn’t stop drinking lemonade or eating lemon candy,” Jake tells the group. “Now I think of her every time I see something yellow.” 

“That’s kind of fitting though, isn’t it?” Leo asks. “Yellow for sunshine.” 

Everybody agrees and it makes your cheeks and neck warm up. You hide yourself in Leo’s jacket, but God, Heeseung wishes he could hide you in his arms instead. 

Still, he can’t help but agree with Leo. If there’s any truth to his words, it’s that you are made of pure, unfiltered sunshine.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, all eight of you board the train for a two-hour ride to Paris. For the next five days, you’ll be acting as a tourist rather than tour guide, for the most part. Jay volunteers to take the lead since you did most of the heavy lifting in London. You do, however, chime in to give him a few recommendations from your prior visits to the city. 

Sunghoon’s advice plagues your thoughts, so much so that Jungwon has had to guide you out of the hotel and into the cab before arriving at the train station. Both he and Sunoo look a bit worried about you, but you wave them off and tell them you had one too many to drink. You know they don’t believe you but you’re grateful they don’t press on. 

Paris is much more beautiful than you remember it, and it’s likely due to the fact that you’re here on vacation, not because you wanted a weekend getaway to escape the stress of midterms and exams. The people are just as indifferent as ever. You’re able to practice some of your basic French to order coffee and pastries for everyone. It’s a feat that leaves Heeseung impressed and you try not to acknowledge him when you see his jaw drop. 

The hotel itself is more beautiful than the last. You have the room with the balcony and double doors leading to a breathtaking view of the buildings and streets below. It’s unlike anything you’ve ever seen, even if the streets are littered with trash and the people are a bit too loud. It still feels charming. 

The rooming situation is the same as London, with you in the single room and the rest of the boys to fend for themselves. This time, Jungwon, Jay, and Sunghoon are sharing the three bedroom with Heeseung and Jake sharing another, and Sunoo and Riki in the other double. The hotel must’ve miscalculated the rooming situation and put your single room at the end of the hallway away from the others, but you aren’t complaining. 

The first few days are filled with happiness and dread, namely when you see Heeseung as you begin your day. He has a knack for making you laugh until you come to the notion that you really shouldn’t be finding his jokes very funny because he doesn’t deserve that kind of reaction from you. 

In fact, he doesn’t deserve your attention after ignoring you for as long as he has. Seeing Leo again brought up memories of crying in his flat with Elizabeth and drinking too much wine to forget the pain temporarily. Your friends invited you to a night spent in the pub after Leo begged his brother to close it for the night so that you could have a free space to drink and talk about Heeseung until your voice gave out. 

Your irritation carries over and Heeseung can tell when you move away from him when he tries to stand next to you. He’s hurt but he tries to understand that you have a right to be, even if he knows in his heart the reasons why he acted the way he did. He just needs to find time to talk to you, even if the conversation doesn’t end the way he hopes it will. 

With two days left on the trip, you’ve eaten your way through the streets of Paris and have done your fair share of shopping. Each of the boys had bought you a small token of their appreciation (Heeseung paid for your latte, Jay purchased a small wallet from Prada, Jake gifted you new sunglasses, Sunghoon a charm for your bracelet, Sunoo a bowl of pasta for lunch, Jungwon a pair of earrings, and Riki a new jacket that looks similar to his from back home). It warms your heart to know you have people who care about you enough to show and tell you. 

The Eiffel Tower calls your name one late afternoon and by the time you all manage to walk up, the sun is setting below the horizon. There are couples around Heeseung who are taking photos left and right, one of which asks him to take a few pictures for them. He can’t help but wish he was in their place, asking a stranger to take a photo of the two of you as he kisses the apple of your cheek. Heeseung snaps a few good ones before the couple thanks him. 

It doesn’t help that you look like a walking goddess. Truth be told, Heeseung wanted to buy you more than just coffee when the boys agreed to each give you something as a token of their gratitude. Heeseung had come up with a list of ideas he wanted advice for, but it was Sunghoon who’d told him to keep it simple for your sake. He was right, as always, because you thanked him with a pleasant smile instead of ignoring him like you had in the days prior. Heeseung gets the feeling that you wouldn’t appreciate a grand gesture from him right now.

He hates that he can’t read you like he used to. He hates that the other friends know you better than he does, and he hates that he’s in the City of Love and he can’t call you his girlfriend. 

Riki and Jungwon are more perceptive than they let on. Heeseung sees the way their eyes dart between the two of you and how they’ve been trying their best to navigate the new dynamic. Riki, especially, hadn’t been receptive of Seulgi the first time Heeseung invited her to a bonfire. Heeseung had overheard the younger boy telling Jungwon it wasn’t the same without you there and that he’d rather go home than spend another minute getting to know someone who wasn’t you. 

At the time, Heeseung was beyond irritated and refused to speak to Riki for the rest of the night. Now, however, he understands why Riki acted the way he did. 

You look so beautiful underneath a Parisian sunset. Heeseung knows he’s staring. He’s grateful that you’re too preoccupied with Sunghoon taking photos of you. But God, he wishes you’d laugh at him like that. 

“You should talk to her,” Jake says from beside him. Heeseung jumps at his sudden appearance. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.” 

“I want to.” Heeseung says it out loud for the first time. He wants to work it out with you and get his best friend back in whatever way you’ll allow. “I miss her, Jake. I miss being her friend and I fucked up when I rejected her.” 

Heeseung doesn’t notice Jake’s eyes widen at the sudden admission. Jake had his fair share of theories and considered Heeseung to be his best friend, but even he knew there was a limit about what he was willing to share and what he kept to himself. Heeseung’s friendship with you was something he stopped trying to learn a few years after he got to know you; Heeseung had a soft spot for you and had no problem letting people know that. It wasn’t until you mentioned to Jake that you hadn’t spoken to Heeseung in months that he knew something was up. 

“She clearly cares about you,” Jake says. “She wouldn’t be on this trip if she didn’t.”

“But she’s been ignoring me the past three days. And before you say it, yes, I know that she has a valid reason to, but I’m hurt and I want to make things better.”

“You have to let her take the reins and let her talk to you when she wants to,” Jake advises. “You know how she is. Y/N’s headstrong and she might not know how she feels right now, but she always knows what’s best for her. You’re good for her, Heeseung. Let her come to that conclusion on her own.”

Heeseung relinquishes his breath. “You’re right. I just…miss her. A lot. Things will never go back to the way they used to but I don’t think I want them to. I used to pray every night that I could somehow make everything like it was before that night but now I want more than that. She deserves better and I want to be better for her, not that coward who was too scared to try something new with the person he loves.” 

His friend’s words bring a smile to Jake’s lips. “Well I, for one, believe in you. I think the rest of the guys do too.” 

“I know,” Heeseung says softly with his eyes on you.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

You can’t believe you leave Europe in two days as you sip your wine. Jay’s father was gracious enough to reach out to his friend at the hotel’s restaurant to negotiate having this meal compensated. It’s a gesture you hold onto and make a mental note to write a thoughtful note when you settle back in Korea. Jay sits next to you and partakes in the wine activities with you, namely picking out two different bottles to share with the table. Talking to Jay like this makes you feel otherworldly, like you’ve gotten more experience out of life since you chose to study abroad. You feel lucky, in a sense, that your life has given you more than you expected it too. 

The younger boys head upstairs after dessert and bid you all a goodnight in case they don’t see you before falling asleep. For the next thirty minutes or so, it’s the five of you laughing away at the hotel bar like old times, reminiscing about embarrassing moments from high school or how difficult it was to hear Jake’s Korean when he first moved. 

The Australian leaves as soon as he yawns. Sunghoon, a little too tipsy upon standing from the bar table, presses a gentle kiss to your head when he says goodnight to the rest of you. Jay gives your arm a reassuring squeeze and you understand for the first time that he always knew you better than he let on. He says goodnight and tells the bartender to charge his room whenever you two close the tab. 

Now, you and Heeseung are sitting together, mere inches apart as the Parisian sky twinkles with stars above the two of you. 

Neither of you know what to say. You fidget with the glass and contemplate on whether you should head up as well. Heeseung can sense your awkwardness and wish he hadn’t messed things up so badly that you can’t stand to be alone with him without thinking of an escape plan. He misses when the two of you could sit in complete silence and still feel comfortable around one another. 

“Thank you for showing us around,” he speaks up before you can make the decision to leave. “I remember you talking about all of the places you showed us when you first moved here. I’ve always wanted to visit.” 

“Really?” 

Heeseung nods. “I used to be so jealous that you got the opportunity to travel abroad every time you talked about it. But I think I like it better this way, with you as the tour guide.” 

That brings a laugh out of you and Heeseung can’t help but smile. He doesn’t care if it’s the alcohol allowing your walls to come down. He’s grateful for the chance. 

“I used to write down places I wanted to show you,” you confess. “There were so many places that reminded me of where we’d used to hang out as kids. It always felt like there was a part of you with me.” 

His heart melts. “I wish I could’ve visited you while you were here. Your friends seem pretty cool.” 

“They are.” Heeseung watches you smile. “They’ve been with me through a lot and helped me get over this fear of failing in a different country. My friend Suki, who now lives in Tokyo, was the first person to really get me out of my shell and convinced me to go out. Awkward Y/N? Going to clubs?” 

“You know how to dance, though. I bet you killed it.” 

“A little too much, perhaps. I didn’t date or hook up much, but there were a few times that I did.” Heeseung’s heart begins to sink as does his hope. This is not where he wanted to lead the conversation but his ears perk up at your next point. “But I wasn’t happy doing that so I stopped making out with random guys on the dance floor.”

“If only thirteen-year-old you could see you then,” he teases. You bump his shoulders with yours and he feels electricity running down his arm. 

“I think I did a good job adjusting and learning. There were times where I felt like I didn’t know what I was doing with my life because I couldn’t decide if I wanted to stay in London or go back to Seoul. That burden felt too much.” 

“For what it’s worth, I’m glad you came back home.” 

Your head whips to look at Heeseung, who can only sit and watch as your eyes begin to water. 

“Why didn’t you say anything when I texted and called you?” you ask meekly, your voice barely above a whisper. “Why didn’t you see me when I came back?” 

“I know.” He gulps. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so, so sorry.” 

You sniffle and Heeseung wants to cry too. “Everyone came to pick me up at the airport. I kept looking for you but you weren’t there. Jake had to pull me away from baggage claim because he said you weren’t coming but I didn’t listen. I told him he was wrong. You always come.” 

Heeseung’s soul breaks with every crack in your voice and with the way your lips quiver. He sees your mascara beginning to smudge and resists the urge to wipe it away so that your eyes may look fresh and dry. 

“I’m sorry,” he repeats. “I have no excuse.” 

“I wanted my best friend but you never showed up for me. You didn’t call or text me when you knew I was home and I had to wait until Riki’s bonfire to see you.”

“I was an idiot and stupid,” is the only answer Heeseung can come up with. “I used to be so scared of change. You left the country and I had to start thinking about what I wanted to do with my life but it was so hard without you in it.”

“Then why did you leave me?” 

His heart shatters. 

You’ve turned away from him in an attempt to walk back to your hotel room. However, Heeseung has learned his lesson. He doesn’t let you stray too far and gently tugs your wrist to pull you into his chest and is surprised when you don’t fight him off of you.

He doesn't care that your tears have stained his shirt or that you’re hiccupping into his clothes. All Heeseung wants to do is let you know he’s here for you now, despite his past mistakes and clouded judgment. Heeseung loves you for your bravery and vulnerability. He can only hope you understand that. 

“Let’s go to your room, yeah? I can help you take your makeup off.”

Whether from the alcohol or your need to be near Heeseung, you let him guide you to the elevator. He digs in your purse for your room key and coaxes you to sit in the bathroom while he locks the door. This routine feels a bit familiar; in his youth, he learned how you like to take your makeup off and get ready for bed after a particularly rough night drinking. He could never understand why he hadn’t minded taking the extra step and to keep himself sober when you were in the vicinity, but he understands it now. 

Heeseung meets you in the bathroom and washes his hands before putting your hair in a ponytail. He bites his lips when he sees your fresh tears and mutters another apology, forcing himself not to wipe away the tears with his fingers. Instead, he lets you blot them with a tissue before gathering makeup remover in his hands and gently smears it all over your skin. 

“I didn’t like change,” he says after a quiet beat. “I was too cowardly to take what I wanted, even if the person I wanted said they wanted me too. I don’t know why I didn’t chase after you that night or why I thought you needed space before you left. I don’t have an explanation for any of it except to say that I was a coward who never wanted anything to change between us.” 

Heeseung warms a wet cloth and wipes the balm away until he’s satisfied and moves on with your favorite cleanser, rubbing it between his hands until it foams. 

“I think, deep down, I’ve always loved you more than I led on. I can’t think of any moment in my life where you weren’t there or times that I didn’t want you around. Even when we were in elementary school and everyone kept saying we would get cooties from each other, I wanted you with me.” 

He lets you wash your face and applies the rest of your products on as you once taught him. 

“I’ve always had this sense of pride when it came to being your friend. Everyone always talked about how cool you were because you always knew what to say and when to say it. I love that about you, you know. You have a way of making people feel like they’re really special. I don’t know why I was so afraid of that.

“I love who you are and what you believe in. You make the world a better place for everyone around you. How you treated me was a small fraction of why I love you. I love your passions and that you aren’t afraid to chase after them. I love that you stick with the same boba order even though you tell yourself you’ll try something new. I love that you hate the beach but go with us every time we ask. I love when you get a little drunk because you don’t fight me when I want to take care of you.”

Heeseung swallows. “But mostly, I just really love you.”

You open your eyes for the first time. Heeseung can only stare. 

“You really hurt me.” 

He glances down. “I know. I’m sorry.” 

“What hurt the most was knowing you weren’t going to be there as my best friend, Heeseung. I could handle your rejection. I could find a way to get over you. But I could never get over losing our friendship. I never wanted you out of my life because it’s better with you in it.” 

“Please don’t get over me,” Heeseung croaks. His own eyes begin to swell and he forces a choked sob down his throat, aggressively wiping his eyes to rid himself of tears. He presses his forehead against yours. “I don’t want you to get over me.” 

You don’t say anything for a few moments. Heeseung swears he feels the blood rushing to his ears as he anticipates your response and he’s sure that even if what you say isn’t what he wants to hear, he’s happy to wear his feelings on his sleeve for once in his life.

“I don’t think I could even if I tried.” 

Heeseung’s heart stops beating. He doesn’t kiss you even though he wants to. He doesn’t take your hand and pull you into him like his heart tells him to. Instead, he whispers a quiet thanks and is surprised when he hears you laugh. 

“I can’t apologize enough. I don’t want to make you feel like you have to do or say anything.” 

“I know,” you whisper. Heeseung's hands are dangling awkwardly by his side. He feels like pushing his forehead against yours was too much. But your hands reach for him and you give him a squeeze.  

Heeseung throws caution out of the window and envelopes you in a hug. He feels your body melt against his and can’t help but look at the way you’ve folded into his chest in the bathroom mirror, with your head in his neck and his cheek on the crown of your head. Heeseung missed holding you like this–with your bodies intertwined as if you were two soulmates who were forced apart upon creation. 

He stroked your back with his hand and kept the other secured around your waist. Your soft breaths touch his skin and it feels like he’s got electricity running through his veins. 

“I’m sorry,” Heeseung whispers again. “I will keep apologizing until you know the depth of my regret.” 

The boy feels like he’s floating when you press a soft kiss to his exposed chest, mentally thanking Jake for forcing him to let loose and unbutton a few. 

“You could start by staying with me until I fall asleep,” you say. “Like old times.” 

He tries not to punch the air. “I can do that.” 

Heeseung waits in the bathroom until you’ve changed into comfortable clothing. He isn’t surprised when he sees you in shorts and an oversized shirt. It’s reminiscent of what you used to wear when you’d sleep in the guest bedroom in his house or vice versa, but now that he’s acknowledged his feelings for you, he can’t help but coo at how cute and sleepy you look. 

You tuck yourself in bed with the blankets to your chin and he completely melts to the floor. You pat the spot next to him and he sits on top of the blankets. 

“Under the covers, silly.” 

“I don’t want to rush it,” Heeseung says in a panic. 

“We aren’t rushing. We’re two best friends who got each other back.” 

Heeseung has never been more relieved. Though, he knows you’re a stickler for outside clothes in bed, so he makes the decision to take your key card and change.

“I’m not leaving you,” he says when he notices you rise from your spot on the bed. He holds two key cards to prove it and leans over to press a soft kiss to your cheek. “I’m going to change and then I’ll be right back. I promise.” 

He comes back ten minutes later. It warms your heart at the sight of him and you feel the comfort in your body when he slides underneath the covers. 

You surprise yourself when you move to lay your head on his chest with your arm around his body. Heeseung doesn’t seem to mind, though, and he pulls you closer to him like you’ve done it a million times before. The two of you have wanted this for too long to make it feel awkward. 

“What did Jake say when you came into the room?” you ask.

“He was half asleep until I turned the light on but he asked me if we resolved things. I told him yes and then he asked if I was staying the night with you when he saw me leaving.”

“Am I right to assume he was more excited about having the room to himself?”

Heeseung laughs. “That you are.”

“Deep down, I think Jake knew we’d find our way. I think they all did.” 

“I’m sorry,” Heeseung whispers once more. You quiet him with a kiss to his cheek. 

“I know, Hee. We can talk more tomorrow. For now, let’s sleep.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, Heeseung wakes up before you do and frowns when your body’s all the way on the other side of the bed. He leans over your sleeping frame and brushes strands of hair from your face, admiring how serene you look in your sleep. For a moment, Heeseung ponders if it’s too soon to wake you up the way he’d like to, but if last night was any indication about how you felt, he’d be willing to take the chance. 

He leans down to kiss your forehead and both of your cheeks repeatedly until your eyes flutter open. Heeseung thinks he could listen to your laugh every morning with the way you wince at the sunlight and how his lips touch your skin. Still, your gaze finds its way to Heeseung’s and you can’t help but smile. 

There was a brief moment before you fell asleep that you’d wondered if you’d been too quick to forgive him. But for as hurtful as the past year was, you can’t help but acknowledge the steps he took during the trip in an attempt to undo all of the contempt you had built for him. You owe it to yourself to be happy with Heeseung. 

“Good morning, pretty girl,” Heeseung says with his morning voice that sounds a little too good for seven in the A.M. “Did you sleep well?”

“Slept like a baby. I feel like one too.”

“That’s because you are a baby,” Heeseung teases, kissing your cheeks and then the tip of your nose. “My baby.” 

“I really want breakfast but I’m too lazy to get up from the bed.”

“We could always order in. I’ll pay.”

You shake your head. “I’ll be too tempted to stay in bed and it’s our last full day in Paris. Let’s just get ready and have breakfast at the hotel restaurant?” 

The both of you are halfway done eating breakfast when the rest of your friends trickle in, joining your table and the ones next to you. It takes them a while to wake up, but it’s Sunghoon who speaks up first. 

“I’m assuming you two talked?” 

“And made up,” you say with a tilt of your head. 

“That’s my girl,” Sunghoon says proudly, sipping on his coffee. 

“I’ll let that slide since we’re all friends,” Heeseung jokes. You laugh and, for the first time in a while, you don’t feel guilty about it. 

“I had the whole room to myself, too. I woke up and didn’t have to fight anyone for the bathroom,” says Jake. 

Riki nearly spits his juice out. “You guys slept together?” 

“Not like that!” you’re quick to exclaim. “He just slept over. Slept. As in, we closed our eyes and actually slept.” 

“Both of us knew we needed our beauty sleep before dealing with the six of you asking us questions,” Heeseung adds. “But for your information, we made up. We still have things to figure out, but we’re back to being friends.” 

“Hopefully more than that,” Jungwon coughs behind his coffee. He merely smiles when Heeseung looks in his direction.

“I think you two should spend the rest of the day by yourselves,” Jay suggests. “We can either meet up for dinner or whenever we have to check out.” 

“I second that,” Sunoo agrees. “You two clearly need to talk.” 

“I wanted to go shopping with Y/N again,” Riki says with a frown. Jake presumably knocks his shin with Riki’s, who clears his throat. “But you two should totally hang out without us.” 

“I think we might,” Heeseung says, holding his hand out for you to take. He stands from his seat and encourages you to stand as well, leading you away from the table. “Thanks for the breakfast, Jay!” 

“I’m choosing to be the bigger person because Y/N’s been through enough,” Jay mutters when Heeseung is out of hearshot, making the table laugh.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

“You know, I think the reason why I had such a hard time reaching out was because we’d never gotten into something that serious before,” Heeseung admits. The gelato in your hand isn’t as good as you remember it, but it does the job to cool you down on a particularly warm afternoon. 

“What do you mean?” 

“Do you remember when we were kids and how hard it was for me to talk to you about anything that was action movies or superheroes?” 

“God, you and your Superman cape from fourth grade,” you snort. “You wore that thing to school everyday. Your dad had to wash it every night otherwise you’d refuse to go to sleep.” Heeseung shuts his eyes at the memory. 

“You were the only person I felt comfortable pouring my heart out to, you know. You were always the first person I called when I needed someone to talk to, but then I was the reason why you got hurt…I think part of me didn’t know if I was allowed to reach out to you.

“It’s a stupid excuse, I know. But when I heard you were coming back to Seoul a few weeks before you did, I couldn’t help but think about how many times I could’ve texted you.”

“Yeah, you could’ve.” Heeseung merely nods at your agreement. “We’ve been through a lot over the years, but I guess there’s a first time for everything.” 

“I just wish I had come to this conclusion when it happened. I was so caught up in graduating and focusing on how I felt that I didn’t consider how you must’ve been dealing with all of it. I don’t think I’ve ever been so selfish in my life.” 

“I think the time you refused to let me be friends with Jake because you said you needed friends aside from me was your second most selfish moment.” 

Heeseung rolls his eyes. “Quit it. I was thirteen, okay?” 

Neither of you particularly care to do any sightseeing today. It feels nice to walk side-by-side without the company of your other friends. The juxtaposition of how you felt towards the beginning of this trip compared to how relaxed you feel surprises you a tenfold, but you suppose that comes with genuine apologies and forgiveness. 

You’re willing to admit Heeseung looks criminally good in black jeans and a striped button down. He wears his clothes so effortlessly yet still looks like he could’ve taken his wardrobe from a magazine. You’ve always found it a bit unfair that Heeseung always manages to look so cool without trying too hard. 

“You’re staring,” he mutters, looking at you from the corner of his eye as the two of you walk down a cobblestone street. 

“I’m not,” you lie. You turn your head to avoid his gaze, but Heeseung thinks he likes seeing you this shy. It’s new territory for him, one that he wants to explore. 

“Can I ask you a question?” 

“Go for it.” 

“Why did you forgive me so quickly?” Heeseung asks. “I appreciate it, I really do, but a big part of me feels like I don’t deserve that just yet.” 

It takes you a while to answer. Why did you forgive him as fast as you did? For a week and a half, being in close quarters with Heeseung made you feel nothing but anxious and on edge, so why were you able to allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of him?

“I’ve always held onto the idea that you’re a good person,” you begin. “I’ve always admired that you intend to care for the people you love and make them feel like they have a place in your life. You’ve always made me feel safe, like I could run to you when things got too hard. 

“What you did was in poor taste, sure, but making bad decisions doesn’t mean you’re a bad person. I know you, Hee. I know how you get when you’re faced with a difficult choice and how long it takes for you to come around. I was justifiably hurt but I think a part of me always knew you’d fix it somehow.” 

“I wish I could feel deserving of that kind of forgiveness.” 

“You know me. You know I wouldn’t tell you that if I didn’t feel like what I’m saying is true. I’ll admit that I shocked myself with how quickly I let my guard down with you…but you’re Heeseung. You've been my best friend since the first grade and you’re the boy I happen to have a really big crush on.” 

Heeseung bites his lips at your confession, willing himself not to be too forward as to kiss you in the middle of the street. He sees your bravery and the way you’ve put your heart directly in the palm of his hand, acting out of vulnerability even though the both of you knew he hurt you once before. 

He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. Instead, Heeseung grabs your hands and locks his fingers with yours, squeezing three times to tell you he loves you.

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The afternoon comes and goes with little to no plan. Heeseung’s a bit worried that he hasn’t heard anything from the boys and he’s rendered shocked that you’ve taken it upon yourself to let the day take you where it may instead of finding the next spot to visit. 

As if on cue, Jay texts him with plans for the evening. 

jjongcaprio: 20:00, Pétrelle. It’s a five minute walk from the hotel

jjongcaprio: I made reservations for you and Y/N tonight. Don’t worry about me and the boys, just take her out on a romantic date 

jjongcaprio: The bill’s covered. The reservation’s under your name btw

heeseung: bro i cannot ask you to do this 

jjongcaprio: You don’t have to. You and I both know Y/N deserves to be wined and dined 

jjongcaprio: Plus I saw you looking at a few restaurants when we were on the train. I managed to pull some strings for you and got a last minute reservation for tonight

heeseung: thank you jay…i really don’t know what i’d do without you

jjongcaprio: It’s really not a problem, bro. Promise me that you’ll try to be happy with her. The guys and I are rooting for you two

“So,” Heeseung clears his throat as he looks up from his phone, “I think you and I should go out for dinner.” 

“Where are you thinking of going? I can text the others and see if they’re done sightseeing, or whatever it is they’re doing.”

“I mean just us two.” He stands awkwardly when you’ve turned your attention to him, his feet planted on the sidewalk beneath him as if that’ll help steady his beating heart. 

“Like a date?” 

“Yes,” he says immediately. “Like a date. I, Heeseung, am asking you out on a date. Tonight. At eight.” 

“I, Y/N, would love to go on a date with you. At eight.” 

The twinkle in your eye and your coy nature makes him feel like a teenager again. He leads you into the hotel and walks you to your door before stepping back as you step inside. 

“We’ve got an hour and a half before we need to leave. I’ll come by and then we can walk together. The restaurant is only a five minute walk, so you can wear those new heels I know you feel guilty buying.” 

“They’re really pretty though,” you rationalize. 

Heeseung nods. “Gorgeous, actually. Maybe you’ll be as tall as me if you wear them.” 

“We’ll just have to see, won’t we?” 

Heeseung bites his bottom lip as you disappear behind the door, locking eyes with you until you’re completely out of sight. Flirting with you like this is a completely new phenomenon for him. He’s only daydreamed about what you might say if he said something a little too suggestive or how you might act if he dedicated a wink in your direction. Heeseung had never considered that he’d be the one flustered, cheeks reddening to the point where he starts to feel shy. 

His nerves are endless as he picks out an outfit for tonight. Heeseung sends a quick text to his parents, who had pressured him into bringing nice clothes for a fancy dinner, and spends a few minutes updating them on the events of the past few days. His mother is pleased, to put it lightly, and sends a handful of emoticons to display her happiness. His father tells him words of encouragement before making Heeseung promise to bring you for dinner as his girlfriend, not just his best friend. 

With the last touch of his cologne, Heeseung looks at himself in the mirror and tries not to think too hard about how he looks. You’re Y/N, his best friend since he can remember, and you’ve seen him with snot dripping from his nose. 

“I look fine,” he says to himself in the mirror. “Y/N will like the look because your mom picked it out and we know those two agree on everything. Absolutely nothing to worry about.” 

Heeseung’s only regret is he doesn’t have a bouquet of flowers to present you with as he makes his way to your hotel room. He wipes his palms on his trousers and takes a deep breath before knocking on your door. 

When it opens, he’s met with the sight of you in a short black dress that hugs your hips to accentuate your body. The dress itself is an elegant, spaghetti strap number with a flattering neckline paired with jewelry that makes your skin appear to be glowing. Your heels match well with the dress you’ve chosen, so much so that Heeseung’s jaw drops when his eyes rake over your body. 

“Wow,” he mutters. “Just…wow.” 

“I’m not used to you being speechless,” you say mildly, closing the door behind you. 

“You look gorgeous,” he sputters. “I shouldn’t be seen with you tonight.” 

“You’re dramatic, Hee.” You give him a once over and Heeseung thinks he wouldn’t mind you checking him out as you please. “You look handsome as ever.”

He beams at the compliment and holds his arm out for you. 

“Shall we?”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

Heeseung knows the type of person you are and what you value, yet he still renders himself shocked when you allow him to take control of the evening. He knows you don’t need to have the expensive consequences that come with a first date or to be sipping the most luxurious wine to be happy, but Heeseung can’t help but feel like you deserve to feel as elegant as you look every once in a while. 

The host leads the two of you to a table with the most gorgeous view of the Parisian scenery. The twinkling stars paired with the dimly lit restaurant adds a romantic touch to the evening. Heeseung mentally thanks Jay for preparing wine recommendations so neither of you have to think too much about it. 

For a moment, he’s worried that he’s reached too far out of his depth. The fanciest thing Heeseung has ever done with you is eat ramen after prom in your best outfits because you both came to the conclusion that prom should be spent with someone you actually like. It’s funny in hindsight when he thinks about it now. 

You look so beautiful like this, allowing yourself to be taken care of by him. Talking to you over the table feels like you’re back in Korea before all that transpired. The food is impeccable and Heeseung thanks his lucky stars that he and Jay got it right. You sing praises left and right. 

Dinner ends much quicker than he’d like as the two of you finish dessert. The waiter tells him the bill has been taken care of and Heeseung sits in his seat awkwardly as you look out the window to see the view from outside. But he hears the live band in the background and sees a few older couples slow dancing from where he sits and makes up his mind. 

“Do you want to dance?” 

You pull your attention to him. For a moment, he thinks he’s asked the most absurd question known to man when he recalls all the times you refused to make a home on the dance floor until you’ve gotten at least four drinks in your system. 

You surprise him. 

“I’d love to, Hee.” 

The room disappears when he leads you to the dance floor. He mimics the other dancers and takes the lead, swaying your bodies back and forth to the melody of the music. You smell of vanilla and cinnamon, a scent so distinctly you that it makes him grin like a man in love. 

“Thank you for tonight,” you say against his neck. “I won’t lie when I say I feel like a princess.”

“That’s because you are a princess,” Heeseung says, kissing the top of your head. “You deserve to be treated like one.”

“I can’t believe you pulled this off so quickly. Don’t restaurants like these require reservations?”

He chuckles nervously. “About that…Jay helped me with the details. I was looking up restaurants to take you to if I got the chance before our trip ended. I guess he saw the list and chose the most romantic one out of the bunch.”

“I owe Jay a thank you.”

“We both do.” 

“I feel lucky to have people in my life who care about me this much,” you say. “I’m so happy you’re back in my life.” 

“I’m happy to be in it.” Heeseung squeezes your waist. “Deep down, it’s always been you that I’ve loved. There’s not a single person who makes me feel the way you do.”

“Yeah?” 

You feel him nod. “I’ll say it until you believe me. I’ll even yell it in this restaurant right now.” 

“Please don’t,” you laugh. “I believe you.” 

The sound of the melody overtakes the conversation. You feel Heeseung’s steady heartbeat as he expertly moves your bodies together on the dance floor. When you close your eyes, you think of this moment and how badly you want to commit it to memory, no longer in anguish over the tribulations of the past year. It feels nice to let go of your worries, even better that you have Heeseung back. 

“I really want to kiss you,” he murmurs under his breath. You pull your head back.

“Then you should kiss me.” 

Heeseung wastes no time and pulls you into him, one arm around your waist and the other behind your neck. His mouth finds yours when he decides he loves the taste of red wine on your lips. It feels poetic to be kissing you for the first time as you’re both dressed to the nines in the middle of Paris. To him, kissing you feels like a breath of fresh air and the start of something new. For you, kissing him feels like coming home. 

When he pulls back, you search for his eyes. 

“Take me back to the hotel,” you whisper. 

Heeseung feels his heart drop. 

“I’m sorry. We can go back now.”

You grip the collar of his slightly unbuttoned dress shirt when he moves. It’s only then that Heeseung sees the want in your eyes and the pure lust that clouds your pupils. 

“Take me back to the hotel.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

By the time your elevator reaches your floor, Heeseung’s dress shirt is completely unbuttoned with his toned chest exposed. You’re barely able to detach yourself from his mouth when he pushes you out of the contraption. Your hand reaches for his as you pull him towards your room, digging through your purse when you feel Heeseung’s lips on the back of your neck. 

“You look sexy in my jacket,” he mumbles, pressing wet kisses to your skin. 

“L-Let me find the key.” 

“So sexy.” His hands slide up the side of your body until he grips your waist. 

When the door opens, you pull Heeseung inside with you and lock it shut before pushing his dress shirt off of his body, exposing his muscular build and broad shoulders. You aren’t shy about hiding your lust, gazing all over his chest and abdomen as you feel your core drip with arousal. 

“I like it when you look at me like that,” Heeseung says. He reaches for your hand and places it on his chest. You take the liberty to glide your nails down his abdomen, feeling the way he tenses underneath your touch. 

“I’m really wet,” you say as you eye the tent that has grown in Heeseung’s pants. 

“Are you?” he asks. “You won’t mind if I check?” 

You shake your head and Heeseung takes that as a green light, his hands finding the soft fabric of your dress before pushing his hand underneath it. He whimpers when his fingers come in contact with your wet lips. It’s adorable, the way you push yourself against him to chase his lips while he fingers smear your wetness across the fabric of your panties. 

“Bed,” you mumble against his lips. 

He follows where you pull him, loving the way you take control when you push him onto the mattress. Heeseung distracts himself to catch his breath from the overwhelming sense of pleasure to realize that you’ve started to undo his belt buckle and take his hard cock out of his pants. 

“You don’t have to—”

“I want your cock in my mouth,” you plead, looking him in the eye. “Please let me.” 

You sit politely on your knees as you unbuckle Heeseung’s pants. His chest rises and falls in anticipation and he looks down at you to see that your mouth is watering at the sight of him. 

He’s already fully hard; he has been since you started unbuttoning his shirt in the elevator. You spit directly onto the tip of his cock and he bites his lip at the sudden contact before watching as you swipe your hand up and down himself. 

Heeseung doesn’t want to think about how you learned to do what you’re doing to him. He doesn’t want to think about the boys you’ve kissed or the people who got to see you like this before. What he does know, however, is he’s the only person from here on out who will see you on your knees if he can help it. 

Your mouth envelopes the head and Heeseung emits a short grunt. The tension between you two begins to slowly dissipate as you fit more of his cock inside of your mouth. Your tongue expertly traces every ridge and vein as you push your throat down onto him, causing Heeseung to put his palms on the mattress and throw his head back. 

You hum around him when he moans. He’s itching to put his hand behind your head but refuses the idea, letting you set your own pace. Heeseung watches as you switch your angle, sitting up to rest on your knees to push your head further down on him. He witnessed as you spread your legs, a choked moan coming from his throat in conjunction with a particular gag from your mouth. 

There’s spit everywhere. It’s trailing down your lips and connecting to his cock when you pull yourself from his body. It’s seeping to his pants and he’s about to speak up when your motion attaches itself to his sensitive balls, licking at its warmth while your hand strokes him from atop. 

“That’s it. Fuuuuck.”

He bucks his hips once and curses. Heeseung feels your mouth envelop one of his balls, the pressure of your mouth around it making him feel a kind of euphoria he didn’t know was possible. Your mouth moves to the other to give it the same treatment before retreating back to his cock. This time, your hand massages him from below as you suck on him. 

When you look up at him and wink, he decides enough is enough. 

“Baby,” Heeseung pants, attempting to push your head off of him. He thinks it’s so sexy that you’re turned on while giving him a blowjob. “Baby, please stop. I don’t wanna come yet.” 

You oblige and take your mouth off of him with a popping sound. You sit back and Heeseung stares at you through drooping eyelids in pure shock and amazement at how you’ve managed to pull him to a near orgasm as quickly as you did.

“Come here,” he beckons with his fingers.

He attaches his mouth to yours and pushes his tongue inside of your mouth, exploring the warm, wet walls you have to offer. Heeseung decides that he loves the feeling of your tongue against his and lets you suck on the muscle. 

You take your dress off to reveal sheer panties with nothing else on. Heeseung’s jaw drops at your beauty, but he also cannot believe how sexy his best friend’s body is. To him, you were sculpted from the hands of Aphrodite herself with great love and care. And it’s all for him.

“You are so fucking sexy,” he murmurs, hovering over your body to press kisses to the valley of your chest. You let his hands roam and spread your legs to make room for him. 

Heeseung’s head travels back to your chest and you watch as he envelops your right nipple in his mouth. “Your tits are just perfect.” 

He makes a show out of it, hands cupping your breasts to massage them as his mouth works on you. He pushes your tits together and shoves his face between them, inhaling your scent while his tongue gathers whatever taste your body gives him. Heeseung moves to your left nipple and uses his tongue to flick the hardened bud over and over again until you’re arching your chest into his mouth. 

He grinds himself into your core with his pants still loose around his legs. It brings a moan out of your throat and he swallows it whole with his lips pressed firmly against yours. The friction feels delicious with the fabric of your panties against the hardness of Heeseung’s cock. He grinds against you with the help of your hips rolling into his, your natural wetness coating his cock in your essence. 

Heeseung moves his head to kiss your jawline, moving his mouth all over the expanse of your neck until he kisses right below your earlobe. You let out a particularly loud moan when he does, and Heeseung curses.

“Shit. Yeah baby, make those sounds for me. Let me hear your pretty moans.” 

His mouth attacks the area again and you aren’t shy about it. Your hands tangle in his hair as he kisses your neck and grinds his cock against the wet panties, which have by now molded to the shape of your pussy. 

Heeseung groans at the feeling of a particularly wet gush and lifts his hips enough to elicit a whimper out of your mouth. He experimentally lifts his hips again to align himself with you as he did before. The pressure must feel so good because your mouth hangs open with your eyes boring into his. 

“That’s it,” he encourages. “Does my baby feel good?” You can only nod and he doesn’t blame you. “That’s a good baby. Fuck, you’re so wet, it’s driving me crazy.” 

Heeseung feels your legs wrap around him and the way your heel pushes his lower back into your core. He takes the hint and quickens his pace, wanting nothing more than to see you come for him.

“You gotta come for me now, pretty girl,” he coaxed. “You deserve to come. Won’t you do that for me?” 

Heeseung is sure that he’s never seen or heard anything more erotic compared to the vision of watching you come. Your mouth opens with breathy moans as you focus on your pleasure and your eyes squeeze shut as if you’re trying to savor the moment in your mind.

“Atta girl,” Heeseung praises when your hips grind into his. He keeps himself still and lets your body take over. 

You eventually come down and realize Heeseung has yet to come, but that’s the last thing on his mind. He sinks his body down to come face-to-face with your crotch and licks the come off of the soiled fabric of your panties. The sheerness gives him a sneak peek at your pussy, and he groans when he licks a slow, fat strip up your slit.

“You taste so fucking delicious, baby.” He licks at you again, faster this time. “Tastes like milk and honey.” 

Heeseung kisses your wet panties over and over again, his soft lips providing jolts of pleasure. His hands roam around the soft flesh of your thighs and squeezes them as if he remembers you’re all his to touch. The feeling is one you want to commit to memory, but it seems like Heeseung knows your mind is working overtime because he reaches his hand to find yours and gives it a reassuring squeeze. 

You let his hand go when he pulls it from you to slide the useless barrier down your legs and to undo the straps of your heels. He takes great care to kiss your skin tenderly, starting by your ankle and making his way down just shy of where you need him the most. Heeseung repeats the process on the other leg until he comes face to face with your glistening core, licking his lips as if he doesn’t know where to start. 

“Such a pretty pussy,” he says before placing a soft kiss to your clit.

He repeats the motion, kissing your folds like they’re delicate antiquities that need to be handled with the utmost care. His lips become covered with your essence; he feels you squirm underneath him and uses the expanse of his palms to gently pry your legs open for him, soothing the soft skin of your inner thighs. 

Heeseung tentatively licks your slit and decides he loves the sound of your moans when he has his mouth on you. He does it again, dragging his tongue to feel every ridge and crevice that he’s yet to explore. His mouth feels like a warm comfort with the slow pace he sets, licking you as if he’s trying to tell you how much he loves you without saying it. 

“You taste divine.” 

You look down below to see his hair covering his eyes and brush it away with your hands. Heeseung looks right into your soul and you feel your heart clench, causing you to roll your hips into his face. He merely buries his nose close to you until he bumps your clit with the tip, pushing his wet muscle into you deeper. 

When your moans get lighter and your breathy sounds are the only audible thing in the room aside from his own moans. You open your eyes to see Heeseung humping the mattress below you. The sight is so erotic that you can’t help but let out a loud whine at the thought of Heeseung pleasuring himself while pleasuring you. 

He brings his fingers to your pussy and sways his fingers back and forth until he foregoes his slow pace, favoring a faster one. He abuses your swollen clit while you can only lay there and watch him play with you. Heeseung expertly inserts his middle finger into your seeping hole and bites his lip to concentrate on getting you to come again. 

“I need it,” he confesses, bringing his mouth to lick you as he adds another finger. “I need you to come for me again, baby. Can you do that for me?’

“Yes, Hee,” you pant. “I wanna come so badly.”

“You can do it, baby. You’ve been such a good girl tonight, giving me the best head and letting me make you come. I think you deserve to feel good.” 

“I do,” you nod rapidly. “Fuck, I think I’m coming.”

“That’s right,” he coos, hammering his digits into you while his tongue laps up the juices leaking from your pussy. “So good. You taste so fucking good. Give it to me.” 

He doesn't relent until he’s satisfied. Heeseung cleans the come from your lips as best he can while sneaking his hand to his cock, pumping himself as he tastes your orgasm on his tongue. 

“You’ve crazy,” you mutter as you settle from your high, loving the feeling of Heeseung’s mouth tenderly licking you clean. 

“For you.” He pulls his face away and wipes the back of his hand before pressing a kiss to your clit. 

When he rises to take his pants and boxers off, he sees you with your arm covering your face. 

“Are you doing okay?” 

“Perfect, actually,” you sigh. You remove your arm to see him with his cock in his hands and motion him to come towards the edge of the bed as you crawl on your knees before sitting upright to pull him into a searing kiss. 

“That might be the hottest thing I’ve ever seen you do,” Heeseung says against your mouth. “It’s better than porn, if I’m being honest.” 

You grab his cock and stroke him. “I’ll consider letting you take a video of me when we get back home if you fuck me right now.” 

“Turn around,” he says after an open-mouthed kiss.

You follow his instructions and he groans to himself as you present your perfect pussy to him again. Heeseung sinks to his knees and smacks your ass before shoving his tongue into your hole. He spreads your asscheeks apart and digs his nose against you, licking up the wetness and remnants of your orgasm like it’s his last meal. His tongue licks up your body until he finds your wrinkled muscle and presses a soft kiss to your tightest hole. 

The surprise comes to him when you moan softly. Your body doesn’t jerk away. Rather, you spread your legs further for him and Heeseung moans against your pussy before bringing his tongue to lick over the muscle again. 

“Feels good, doesn’t it?” he asks, dipping his tongue back in.

“Better than I imagined.” 

“You imagined my tongue in your ass, baby?” 

You nod. “I’ve always wanted to know what that feels like.” 

Heeseung doesn’t give you a verbal answer. Instead, he spits into your hole and watches it dribble down to your pussy, licking his way from your incredibly wet folds to your hole once again. He licks over the expanse with the surface of his tongue one, twice, three times before you’re whining for his cock. He wastes no time tearing open the condom and hurriedly places it on himself. 

The first stretch of his cock in your pussy makes him see Heaven. The sharp gasp that comes from your mouth is music to his ears and he’s careful to sink himself into you slowly, inch by inch until you’re telling him he can go further. 

His cock impales you at such a perfect angle that it has you falling to your elbows, your back arched so perfectly that he’s sure you’d be the most popular pornstar if you really wanted to be. He keeps half of his cock in you to allow you to adjust, but he underestimates just how cock hungry you are because you back yourself until he’s filling you to the brim.

“Baby’s such a slut, isn’t she?” Heeseung wonders out loud. He grins when you nod. “I love you like that. So dirty for me.” 

“Only for you,” you say, cheek pressed to the mattress when Heeseung thrusts in you. 

The sound of skin slapping echoes throughout the room. It doesn’t take long for your wet juices to glisten over the back of your thighs and onto Heeseung’s. His hands find purchase on your hips as he pulls your body close to him, loving the way your choked moans become muffled by the mattress below. 

“So. Fucking. Tight,” he moans with detailed thrusts. “So. Fucking. Wet.” 

He climbs on the bed and plants his feet on the blankets, holding your body in place as he pounds into you from above. The angle has you seeing stars and rips moan after moan from you. 

Heeseung grins wickedly. “Such a fuckable body. So perfect.” 

His degradation paired with praise ignites a fire inside of you. You can only moan louder to let Heeseung know exactly how he’s making you feel and you can’t help but think you deserved to be fucked exactly the way Heeseung is fucking you.

The pleasure feels like an explosion of a thousand suns. Your body is warm from the hours you’ve spent in the hotel room and your neighbors getting a good night’s sleep is the least of your concerns. Heeseung’s cock drills into you from above like he’s a sex god and it nearly brings you to tears. 

He turns you over carefully until you’re laying flat on your back with your head propped against the pillows. He steals one from you and puts it underneath the small of your back to create leverage before lining up his cock with your entrance and pushing himself in again.

Heeseung thrusts like he’s got to prove just how in love with you he is. Your wanton moans fill the room with his low grunts as his cock continually hits the one spot that makes you see stars, over and over again.

But you know he could do more to make you feel better. He must notice you in deep thought because he slows his hips. 

“What is it, baby?” Heeseung asks when he notices your eyebrows knit together. “Is this okay? Do you need me to stop so we can take a break?”

“Take it off,” you whisper. His hips have faltered and his pace stutters at your words.

“Take what off?”

“The condom.” Heeseung nearly chokes. “Take the condom off.” 

“Baby—”

“I just wanna feel you.” 

Heeseung curses and his hips automatically drill into yours at the request out of pure shock. He can’t lie to himself. He’s thought about it multiple times since you left for Europe and as he’s come to term with his feelings for you. The cute fantasies about taking you on dates to dinner or drive in theaters transform into daydreams about dirty affairs in his bedroom with his seed leaking out of your perfect hole. 

Still, he doesn’t believe it.

“Please, Hee,” you plead, arching your chest towards him. “Let me feel you. Don’t you want to come inside me?”

“Fuck,” he falters, his forehead on yours. “You can’t just say that…I can’t be risky with you.” 

“Yes you can.” He watches you bite your lip and feels your hands push him off of you. Heeseung doesn’t put up a fight when he slips out of your warm hole and feels your hands grip his cock, desperately trying to tug the condom off of him. 

Heeseung sees the pathetic rubber in your hands when you bring it up for him to see. It’s glistening and his mouth drools at the sight, lips parting enough as if he stares at it in disbelief. He groans lowly in your ear as he peppers a few wet kisses to your neck. 

You spread your legs wider in the air and grip his cock in your head, pumping him a few times before letting his bare tip rest against your hole. His sharp intake is enough to make you bite your lip. 

“Pussy’s so wet,” he says against your neck, pushing an inch inside of you. “God, I could come like this.”

“You can.” 

“No, baby. Gonna fuck you the way you deserve before I come.”

With that sentiment, Heeseung pushes himself inside of you until he’s fully sheathed within your walls. He relishes the way you gasp at the sudden movement and he uses this angle to his advantage, positioning his ear next to your mouth to hear your delicious sounds. 

He moves his hips at such a pace that it makes you feel like your body’s bouncing on top of the soft mattress below you. Heeseung presses his chest against yours to kiss you like his life depends on it, tongue invading the privacy of your mouth but you couldn’t care less where his mouth goes. He can feel your nipples on his skin and groans into your mouth when you clench at a particularly hard thrust. 

“S-So good,” you stutter against his mouth with a breathy moan. Heeseung feels your arm around his shoulders, scratching at his back. “Fuck, fuck!”

“Mhm,” he coaxed. “Such a good baby. You look so pretty underneath me.” 

With a new sense of purpose, Heeseung lifts himself to push himself into you at a deeper angle. He forces his hips into you harder, your hands coming to your chest to cup your tits to give you something to hold in the meantime.

“That’s right, beautiful. Squeeze your tits for me.” 

You do, pinching and twisting your nipples until you hear Heeseung moan above you. It sounds nearly animalistic, the way his throat emits a groan that sounds so primal. He sees the dirty smile you paint your mouth with and leans his head down to press a kiss to your forehead before his hand comes to your cheeks, squeezing them between my fingers.

“You like it when I fuck you like this?” Heeseung asks, hips rolling against your own pelvis. When you nod, he gives you a nasty smile of his own and gives you a few harsh thrusts for good measure before pulling himself off of your chest with his cock still inside of you. 

Heeseung sits on his knees and pulls out just far enough where his hot tip remains buried inside of you, relishing in the panty breaths you emit as he watches your chest rise and fall. You look so beautiful to him with your hair messed up against the pillow beneath you and with a few faint hickeys on your chest and neck. Heeseung thinks that all of his wildest dreams could never compare to how gorgeous you look when you’re positioned directly where he wants you. 

You don’t complain when he pulls out to rest his cock on your wet, bare pussy. You wince at the loss and let him slide himself up and down, biting your lip when he grazes your swollen clit over and over again. 

The man above you lifts your right leg so that he can grip you tighter. You relinquish any control left in your body as Heeseung curses and kisses the side of your ankle. He dips the head of his cock inside and thrusts shallowly as if to tease, but you know he’s exploring all the way his cock looks like against your own body. 

It feels euphoric. The whole affair is dirty, but it’s the kind of dirty that makes you want to do it again. It’s the kind of dirty that makes this night an event you’ll want to remember for the rest of your night because Heeseung had poured his entire heart and soul for you to take. 

For Heeseung, this pleasure is less about knowing you have him permission to put himself inside you. You’ve always been so sure of yourself and your body; it’s something Heeseung has always admired about you as a person. Growing up with your insecurities of relationships and dating might’ve made you feel like a late bloomer; to Heeseung, your tendency to keep your head straight has always been a testament to how knowledgeable you are about yourself and about others. You save yourself for people who are worthy of you, and god, does he want to be worthy of you.

“I love you,” Heeseung whispers from above you. His eyes are closed and he pays no mind to the feeling your pussy gives him. Flashes of your memories stitch together like a film reel with your laughter as the soundtrack. He doesn’t think he wants to hear anything else for the rest of his life. 

Just for good measure, he whispers it again. “I love you so much.” 

“And I love you.”

Heeseung opens his eyes to see your tender ones, cheeks flushed from the sudden compliment. He always liked that he knew how to get you to blush when no one else couldn’t. This time, a sense of pride blooms in his chest. 

“I’ll never let you down,” he confesses. “And if I do, I’ll make it up to you. I promise.” 

“I know, baby.” Heeseung’s hand cups your cheek and caresses it. “I trust you.” 

That’s enough for him to release your leg from his grip and pound himself into you like his life depends on bringing you to peak happiness. 

Heeseung’s palms are planted firmly on either side of your body as his hips roll gracefully against yours, the hot, wet mess between the two of you splashing on both of your thighs. He watches your eyes close shut and as your back arches to relieve some of the pressure, feeling somewhat proud of himself when he watches as your hands grab at the sheets for stability. 

There’s nothing that compares to watching you orgasm. Your eyebrows knit as if you’re concentrating while your mouth stands slightly ajar at the euphoric feeling of that single knot that’s threatening to come undone until it does. All of the girls he’s deluded into thinking he liked could never compare to the looks and sounds you’re making. 

“That’s it,” he coaxes softly. “Cream my cock, baby. That’s a good girl.” 

Heeseung feels you push and clench around him, gushing until there’s nowhere left for your come to go. He peeks down at where the two of you meet and groans when he sees his cock becoming painted in a sheer layer of white. It edges him on and the moment he locks his eyes with yours, his hips begin to stutter and he spills all he has to offer inside of you. 

He comes with short breaths as if he can’t believe you’ve allowed him to do so. Your hips move up and down as if to milk him for all he’s worth while Heeseung’s trying his best to balance his body on top of yours, grateful that some of his gym workouts prevent him from completely collapsing on top of you to.

His come seeps from your bodies and he pulls out, a few droplets splattering on your pussy lips. He nudges the tip against it, smearing his paint across your canvas and marveling at the sight. 

“My good girl,” he murmurs, eyes locked in at his handy work.

“I’ve never let anyone come inside of me,” you say with a fond expression. Your arm comes to brush Heeseung’s hair from his face before cradling his cheek when he looks at you in surprise. 

“Really?” 

You nod, biting your cheek. “Well, I always knew you were it for me. I didn’t want anyone else tainting what’s yours.” 

“Mine?” he asks, catching his breath. “You mean it? You’re mine.”

“I’m yours, Hee.” 

“All mine,” he mutters to himself in disbelief. 

You still feel his cock working itself against you. He’s still hard, a wonder after your hours locked away in your hotel room. It makes you laugh.

“No one has ever compared to you either,” Heeseung says. He doesn’t take his eyes off of you as he continues toying with your pussy. “Even when I fooled myself into thinking I didn’t like you.”

You laugh. “Well that’s good to hear. I realized all the guys I went after while I was abroad either looked like you or reminded me of you.” 

“I can confidently and stupidly say the same.” 

Your laughs echo through the room. Heeseung pulls your body upright, not caring that your mixed come is leaking on his cock and his bare lap. He kisses you with tender care, lips moving at a slow pace while his hands roam over the expanse of your back while your hands are on his broad shoulders. Heeseung could live like this everyday if you’d let him. 

You smile midway through when you feel his fully hardened cock against you. Heeseung apologizes quietly against your lips but feels you shake your head, pulling back to push him against the headboard until he’s comfortably seated. 

He looks at your pussy when you hover above him, the white cream still sticking to you as you grip his cock. Heeseung can’t believe his eyes when he understands what you’re about to do. Before he can even think, you align yourself with his cock and sink until you’re stuffed with him.

“Shit,” he curses through his teeth. 

“What good is coming inside of me if you don’t do it again and again, Hee?” 

“That might be the hottest thing you’ve ever said to me.” 

“Oh, yeah?”

You don’t move just yet, opting to press small kisses to Heeseung’s face. You kiss his forehead, both temples, his nose, both eyelids, and the apples of his cheeks before placing a kiss to his lips. 

“Before we leave, I want you to fuck me against that window,” you say, turning your head to the window that glimpses the city below. 

“But people can see,” is Heeseung’s first comment.

“So?” 

He chokes and when you feel his cock twitch inside of you, you can’t help but laugh at him.

“I’ve heard talk about your escapades, Lee. Why so shy with me?” 

He smacks your asscheek. “Naughty girl. Didn’t know you were nasty like that.” Heeseung gives you that kind of teasing smile that has you folding for him all over again. “Alright then, humor me. What else do you want to do before we leave?” 

“I’d love to give you a blowjob while we shower, too.” 

“That can certainly be arranged. Anything else?” 

You look around the room. “I kind of want to see you eat me out while I sit on the desk chair. Makes me think you’re some kind of secretary who’s desperate for my pussy.”

“I am desperate for your pussy,” Heeseung reminds you. “What if I’m the stone cold CEO and you’re the cute secretary whose ass I dream about?” 

You swat his chest. “This is my fantasy. You can have yours when we get home.” 

Heeseung raises his eyebrow. “Mm, you sure?”

“Positively,” you nod. Heeseung’s hands travel from your ass to your hips and guides you up and down his cock, letting you set the pace after the brutal first round from a few minutes prior. 

“Gonna fuck you in and on my car, since you like being watched so much,” Heeseung teases. His words seem to make your pussy clench and hips move faster. He forgoes any shyness when speaking about his fantasies and spills his every thought.

“I always thought you looked so cute in your old school uniform. I’ve always wanted to take you in that skirt they gave you.”

“I’ll buy one of those sexy schoolgirl costumes and surprise you for your birthday,” you say, locking your eyes with him. “Oh, professor! Is there anything I can do to raise my grade?”

Heeseung laughs at your antics, but the images of you in the costume aforementioned makes his grip on your body tighter. 

“I selfishly want to watch you suck me off while I play with the guys.” He says it in a way that makes him avert his gaze and you can see a faint blush on his face. “I-I saw this video on Twitter. It looks hot.”

“I can do that for you.” You kiss both of his burning cheeks.

“But mostly, I just want you to sit on my face. Mad at me? Sit on my face. Sad? Sit on my face. Happy to see me? Sit on my face.” 

“Simp,” you grunt, thighs burning from pushing yourself on and off of Heeseung’s cock. 

“And proud.” He smacks both ass cheeks again. “Now what do you say, baby? If you ride me until you come, you can blow me in the bathroom before I fuck you in front of the entirety of Paris. Can you do that for me?”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

The next morning, you meet Heeseung and the rest of the guys in the lobby while Jay checks out on behalf of all of you. Jake’s the first to see you coming. 

“You’re glowing and I don’t know if I like that.” He raises his eyebrow at Heeseung, who has pulled you into him by your waist. 

“At least some of us are getting laid,” you retort. “I don’t recall seeing anyone do the walk of shame even though you had the room to yourself.” 

Riki and Sunoo don’t try to contain their laughter as Jake’s cheeks turn a shade of pink. He rolls his eyes when you look at him, but shakes his head and punches your arm with your first. 

“Nah, I’m really glad you two got that out of your system and worked it out.”

“You guys had major sexual tension,” Sunoo comments. 

“Thank God Y/N’s room was at the end of the hall,” says Sunghoon. “I don’t know how their neighbors felt but I can sleep peacefully knowing I didn’t have to hear all of that.” 

“Okay, enough,” Heeseung laughs. “We get it, we had a lot of sexual tension and now we’re fine.”

“So you guys are boyfriend-girlfriend?” Jungwon asks. 

“Y/N is my girlfriend and I am her boyfriend.” 

“I will key his car if he hurts you again,” Riki tells you, looking at Heeseung after he’s finished speaking. You detach yourself from his waist and bring your arms around Riki to give him a squeeze.

“Thanks, Riki.”

“Okay, we should call the cabs right now so we can get to the airport early,” Jay says from behind you. 

“Jay is such a dad,” Jungwon whispers. 

He pays no mind to Jungwon’s words, instead focusing on the way Heeseung pulls you into his chest. It warms his heart in ways he can’t explain.

“Congratulations, you two. Let’s go home.”

*✧･ﾟ─────────── *✧･ﾟ

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[pprodsuga]

this darling turned a year old last week…nearly 8,000 notes later and I’m still so touched that so many of you read it. 🖤

[pprodsuga]

i'm having thoughts about secrets untold again.. ik it's fiction but i was imagining what i would do if that situation happened to me irl. i do not think i could still be into someone after finding out they killed people even if they were young and it was what they had to do to survive... yikes! like brother what do you MEAN she has taken people's lives and you're still into her?? get a gripppp 😭 -you know who, i spam u too much 🧍‍♀️

this one got buried deep in my inbox but!!!! when I read back to the first part and think about the story, I feel like the me in the day to day would say absolutely not!!!! but the author in my is like pls give her a chance…there are so many feelings involved…..

as always, I love your feedback and am thankful for your grace 😚

[pprodsuga]

do u write nsfw?

I do!

[pprodsuga]

i was thinking abt you yesterday and i got a notification from tumblr from a blog i follow and i was like ??????? do i have a tumblr acc and the first post that showed up in my dashboard Was You so hi (me acting as if we didn’t have e/o’s socmed lol)

hello my beloved