i saw him today. Fuck! he was so beautiful. Butterflies tore through my stomach as i knocked on that door. i wanted to turn around and run home. i was so scared, why was i scared? i haven't the slightest clue. what if i walked inside and he told me things were over for good? how would i have handled that, how WILL i handle that? a simple question with a simple answer. i wouldn’t handle it. I know its distastefully melodramatic to say you will end your own life because someone you love doesn’t want to be with you. But what else is there to do? what other reason is there for me to exist? before i met him, the thought of death loomed over me like a quilt of pure comfort. living every day thinking about how easily all this pain could come to an end, it isn’t really living. while we were together, the voices urging me to take my life remained dormant. they still tried, they still criticized me at every turn. but nothing they could say would effect me. i knew things were good. i had a gorgeous man who treated me good, and who loved me with all his heart, and i loved him back just the same. but as i watch all of this fall apart, what am i to do other than to give in to the voices. after all, no matter who leaves me, they still stand by my side. perhaps the time is coming where i should start listening to them. a life without him isn’t a life at all. there is nothing around me that doesn’t remind me of him, of how happy i was with him. i know we can still be happy together. why cant he see how special what we have is? how can i make him see how much we belong together. when you try to fuck with destiny's plan, someone always gets hurt. although, surely theres a way i can do this painlessly. though ive endured a fair share of pain, whats a little bit more?
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