Praw Tran

A black cat that falls in love with the rain

[prawtran]

He’s the type of guy that could make you feel like you are his whole world. Caring, and loving. But when the fire burns too hard, it will eventually burn out. At least, it did with me.

Our love was too much too soon. And it died young.

So sad, yet I can’t forget.

Not him, of course. I look at him now and feel nothing but wish him the best. But something in me has changed. I cannot love the way I did anymore. With everything I have. No anymore.

That love was perfect, amazing, that love was straight out of a movie scene, and it ended. If the most beautiful thing couldn’t last, then what could?

The broken version of me now, how can I love again? How can I be happy again?

[prawtran]

Moved on

I have moved on from you. But I can’t seem to move on from the love I have for you. It’s complicated, but it’s the truth.

Need to get myself out of the endless loop of sadness. Somehow. Someway. Someday.

[prawtran]

Drowning

I hate drowning in the memories. I no longer care for you or want you, why did the memories trap me in its linger touches?

[prawtran]

Choked

I miss it. The feeling of madly in love, of trusting someone enough to let them do anything.

Funny how I love it when he has his hand wrapped around my neck, and yet I can barely breathe now.

[prawtran]

Lovely

There will always be a reason for you to depress, but beautiful things happen everyday. I meant it. Every little thing, everyday. Just take a careful look around, the sound, the color, the people. It’s beautiful.

I have decided that I own my emotions, I’m in control of it. And being happy doesn’t sound so bad. Sure, sadness is my forever inspiration, but a sprinkle of happiness here and there is also awesome ;)

A control-freak finally knows how to control her own emotions. Lovely.

[prawtran]

RIP

Dear Heart,

I’m sorry for all the pain and sadness I put you through, it’s too late to do anything now, but still I just want to say I’m so sorry, it was my naivety that did this to you.

May you rest in peace, little one.

You have fought brave and strong.

[prawtran]

Fucked up

Recieve a life threat today, one day after my birthday. So much for a good beginning and all that shit.

He talked about making me pay, about being the karma I deserved to get.

Bitch please. I can’t love anyone else, I’m a fucking mess, that’s enough karma :)

Don’t think that you are the only one that got fucked, and going so far as to threatening me too, wanna see who’s crazier?

Game on, fucker.

[prawtran]

Habit

I think of you less and less, only in the morning when I wake up and at night before I go to sleep. No more in betweens. I guess that’s for the best.

Trying to pick myself up piece by piece.

[prawtran]

Rest

It’s almost my birthday.

I think I will get the “Rest” tattoo that I used to plan to have with you. I think you will never tat the number 7 on you, what for anyway, but well, I’m the one of my word, and I will have that tattoo. It also makes perfect sense, though.

Put a rest on my heart, may it rest in peace.

Lovely, and couldn’t be anymore right.

It will be the last time I will ever think of you, with that mark on me, it would be the end, of everything. I wonder would it make you sad to know that someone that loves you more than life itself, decide to give up on those feelings.

Well, in my case, I didn’t. So maybe you won’t lol. I have stood on both sides of this case so I understand. As the stalker, and the one being stalked. I get how you feel, you feel nothing, like I did before. Sometimes it feels like karma, an endless circle, what goes around, comes around.

Rest.

[prawtran]

Panic

I want to set my mind on fire. Let it explodes like fireworks and disappear along with all my fears.

[prawtran]

Toxic

When I’m all alone, I could get really toxic. My whole brain is one fucked up toxic thing.

I cornered myself with questions I don’t want to know the answer, or ones that I already knew the answer but refuse to believe.

Why didn’t you ever public our photos on your instagram when we were dating?

Why didn’t you ever change your avatar as our pictures?

Why didn’t you change your profile captions about me?

Why?

Why?

Why didn’t you?

Yet you did those things for her.

Her.

Shit, I hate that word.

Such a big mess of toxicity I am.

I thought that you weren’t the type to public those things. Because so am I. But you are, just not for me. I should have known better, the first avatar I saw was you kissing you ex ex.

That was a sign I chose to ignore. To be honest, I fell for you on the first time we met, then I looked you up and saw that picture, I just want to run away. You keeping that as you avatar, means you haven’t over her yet, and I don’t want to get tangle into that mess. I want to protect myself.

But then, at some point, I don’t care about myself anymore, I just want to take care of you, I just want to make you happy.

I trusted that you would take care of me too. How silly of me.

Let go, let go, let go.

The memories were beautiful, but let them go.

[prawtran]

Happy

I wanted to text you to ask how are you doing. I have been thinking about you a lot and it feels like be it night or noon, with no one or even among a sea of people, I still miss you dearly. I want to tell you that I miss your happy smile.

But when I try to text you that, I saw your avatar. You are smiling, happily. With her. And I couldn’t bring myself to say any of that.

I feel like I will only bring you down with my feelings, yet all I ever wanted is for you to be happy. So I won’t say anything.

I’m trying to hold myself in check each day. Working until I’m too tired to think of anything else, of you, of the old memories.

At least I’m trying my best to.

[prawtran]

I miss you

Shit.

[prawtran]

Maybe

I know that I’m already over you. I just can’t move on from the memories, but they are pretty lovely ones so I’m alright with it. It just that I wonder if it took me this long to get over you, how can you over me so fast?

Was the love we had means so little to you? Maybe.

So yeah I sometimes miss kissing you, miss hugging you, so much. But I know that it’s just the memories that I miss, not you anymore, so I’m okay with it.

To be honest, I couldn’t regconise you anymore. You look different, and your smile doesn’t make me fall for you anymore. But looking at your old photos I took, I still fall right back in love with that moment. That’s when I realize I no longer in love with you, the one I’m in love with is already gone.

[prawtran]

Slowly, but surely

I’m doing better. I think at least 30% better.

I like my work, I enjoy my days, the tv series I watch are the best, so yea, I’m doing good. I’m not even sad when I see you stories or post, that’s the very sign saying that I’m good.

Good days and bad days, some of this, some of that, I guess that’s just how life is.

A smiling rainbow flower.

[prawtran]

What is insanity?

“Insanity is doing the exact same thing, over and over and over again, and expecting shit to change.

That is insanity.”

[prawtran]

Nothing, No one

Today is one of those days, days that I feel like writing, a lot. Like all these emotions need to be converted into something or I will lay down and cry my eyes out. I need words to act like an anchor and hold me in my place, or I will be swept away by the waves and never able to find my shore again.

So, you. I don’t know why I’m so hung up on you and our memories. I am out of my mind, I really am. And all my friends are sick of it. They are sick of hearing me talk about you. They are done with my bullshits. It’s been more than 2 months, even more than the time we dated, and yet I can’t move on from my own feelings. I can see myself going crazy every passing day. I hate this feeling. I can’t control it. And being a control freak, this is killing me.

I never knew love could make that happy, and I also never knew love could make me this sad.