I am back home now. I was under a 48 hour psychiatric watch after being taken to the ER. I am still recovering so my activity online will likely be fairly limited.
First of all, what happened. From the messages I got and the asks in my inbox, my notes were either not understood at all or people derived (incorrect) assumptions from them. Which is understandable as I was not fully coherent and that’s just something that can happen during major depressive episodes and panic attacks.
What happened Friday to cause it was my mom came home from work saying her co-worker was harassing her about me again. This coworker has been bothering my mom for awhile, trying to convince her to kick me out of the house because I am a) too young to be disabled and b) the only “true” disability is a coma and therefore I am just lazy.
This was followed by a documentary about conjoined twins (who were separated successfully and are living very happy lives now) in which nearly every doctor or nurse they worked with suggested terminating the pregnancy, and after they were born, euthanizing them. Clearly not the best thing to see after your mother just got harassed for you being disabled.
Okay, where does Evie come in? Well, I’ve been hate anons ever since she apparently posted my URL. I wasn’t sure where they came from initially or what they were going on about but someone let me know about Evie’s recent posts.
Now, I’ve spoken to Evie maybe 5 or 6 times. Twice it was one on one and I was trying to resolve whatever issues she had with the league (as it was called then.) The first one was just her being vague and evasive and giving me no issue to solve, and then turning around and calling me manipulative for trying to fix things. The second time was me calling her out on breaking the division truce rules that she, along with the rest of the society, agreed to. The next two times we spoke were in discussions mediated by a 3rd party. In both I tried to figure out the issue, she refused to give one, she promised to stop posting hate, and then never followed through. The last 1 or 2 times were just the division group chat where we were just both present in the same conversations.
So this is someone who I’d never heard of until they one day she (falsely) accused me of a felony, spoke with 5 or 6 times after, who has been harassing me and many others for months now. Even going so far as to harass both league and society members to give up some way for her to contact me since I have her blocked on Tumblr. (And discord, so her asking for my discord code was pointless.) Having absolutely no reason for this, and already being in the middle of a major depressive episode due to a build-up of disability-related incidents, I returned to something my grandmother said.
My grandmother (my mom’s adoptive mom) is excessively religious. Like, spends $40 on a 1 inch square of fabric because it’s blessed by some super popular TV pastor excessive. The point being, my whole life she has told me I’m cursed by God for “the sins of my father.” Now if you take major depressive episode + panic attack + hatred towards disabled persons + months harassment from Evie + anons from Evie’s followers, you are going to wind up with some nonsensical beliefs like “The reason I am disabled and for all this harassment is because she works for god and is a part of this curse. And god wants me to die from the said curse.”
I know it doesn’t make sense. But conclusions drawn episodes of any mental illness (depression, anxiety, etc) tend to not connect right once you look at it in the aftermath. But no I was not saying Evie hated me because of my disability. Just that her hate was fueled by god and god sent both her AND the disability as part of “The Curse” my grandmother talked about constantly. Yes, it’s still not a fully thought out conclusion. And I definitely didn’t properly explain it in one paragraph, but I don’t think I could have.
I am sorry if I scared anyone. For now, I am back but I do intend to leave permanently. I will be finishing out the year of 2017 here on tumblr. I am giving this time to myself to dismantle blogs but save photos and memories to my computer that I want to keep. Leaving time to take care of final business and set up contact with anyone who wishes to remain in touch. It’s become quite clear that my mental health has declined increasingly both due to my health and the constant harassment.
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