What a ride it has been. Crazy highs and rock bottom lows. I’m stuck in between where there is no energy. The eye of the storm - fake security. But it gives me time to breathe. To reflect. To regret.
I don’t even know where to start. My perspective on life has changed significantly. For better? I cannot say. Irreversible? For sure. Is it over yet? I really hope and fear so at the same time.
It’s like my mirror shattered and behind it there’s a new one, that was covered. And now I see for real where my flaws, where my annoyances, where my wounds are. It’s not as shiny and not as stable. It has cracks here and there and the glass is blurry. I try to recognize myself, but I’m ugly, tired, and a shadow of myself. I take the shards as if to glue them back. My old me looks at me with pity and contempt, am I now the incarnation of nothing I ever was. A worse me.
I motivate myself by affirmation, some things need to break to heal, but in the end, I don’t believe myself.
I’ve been in those emotional states before, but without power. Now I have too much at hand and don’t know what to do with this rifle of emotional load, mean thoughts, and destructive energy.
What do I have to prove? Where is all this ballast from? And how do I get rid of it for good?
When I was younger, I didn’t speak, I swalloed everything and lied to myself, by convincing myself I knew all the answers. By being the fucking samariter. Not gossiping, smiling, and giving without wanting anything in return. But inside I was so detached until I decided to write, insult, and destroy. And I made other like-wise decisions just now. I decide to be mean, to feel empowered. I decide to hurt to see my worth. I let myself be provoked and accuse others for my emotional state. I’m self-centered. What kept me in balance these last years?
I thought I had life figured out. I had all the answers. And now? I have nothing but unresolved questions, efforts, circles of thoughts, path endings, doubts, and despair of ever finding back or anything comparable.
How though? Was I really out of love? Have I decided wrong? Did I convince myself again? Was I blinded by hormones, love, or past emptiness?
What exactly does this translate to?
Honesty - I want to will talk about my emotions, thoughts, behavior. I want to will tell when I’m not okay, when I don’t feel like going. I want to will speak up to my friends, make myself visible with my flaws and imperfections. I will have difficult conversations and share my doubts.
Fairness - Once I’m honest with me and my life, others have the chance to see me as I am, turn away or stay. Just as I don’t want to be fooled, I won’t fool anybody about my intentions, thoughts, and motivations.
Warmth - I will give my heart to the world (we live in a beautiful world), I will love others (show them their worth), I will love myself (’cause I’m pretty awesome), and I will care and show up.
Tenderness - I will be gentle with people around me. I know life can be hard, and I won’t be adding to that stress. I am tender and will make the world a better place.
Humor - This world is absurd. I will remind everyone how absurd. And I will create laughter and ease. Life is hard enough. I will be remembered by making it a bit lighter.