Sometimes I Need To Vent @primalscreamtherapy - Tumblr Blog

Found somewhere in the deep dark depths of the internet.

All of us of the female gender can relate to this.

#my uterus needs a hobby #my uterus needs a hanky #heh like a hanky is gonna cut it #TFW you sneeze on your period #this is truth #blood #yeah I know the comment is gender essentialist #just look at the meme

Language is power-ish?

Things the passive voice is good for: Carefully not taking the fall for a mistake I did not make while not throwing a co-worker under the bus.

#be kind to your co-workers #solidarity

Naw, ‘s fine. I needed a laugh.

So this customer contacts us and he's all you suck and everything you do sucks and I'm not going to pay you anymore. And we're like, well we're sorry you feel that way, but you gotta do you, so there's that. And he comes back with, oh btw, everything you do sucks, but I still want you to send a copy if everything you did for me. And we're like, sure, you are totally entitled to that, so here you go.

And you'd think that would be the end of it, right?

But no, he comes back to us a while later and wants to know if we can make just a few little tweaks for him (that's customer speak for nearly a total overhaul.) And we're like, you mean on the stuff you're not paying us for anymore? And yeah, that's what he meant. And we're like, yeah no, you're not our customer anymore. Didn't you hire someone else for this after quitting us? And he says that yeah but it turns out the guy who said he could do everything we do only better and cheaper is kind of incompetent. And we're like, that is a super shame, but like we said, you are not our customer anymore, so you really gotta go to the person who you're actually paying.

Or, well, you could sign back up to be our customer.

And he's like but you suck and everything you do sucks and I don't want to pay you anymore. At which the sympathy meter has passed through the red zone and is edging into negative numbers and we have to explain again in the politest way possible that we are a business and don't really do work for people who are not actually giving us money, that being a pretty usual way for businesses to operate. And he goes away. For now.

I bet this guy has at least one more round in him. Any takers?

#you get what you pay for #oh noes my sympathy meter is broke

A Note

"But it gets done faster this way" is not an ok reason to put every request in the escalation queue.

#this came from a different pantsless rep than the last one #to misquote the Incredibles #if everything is urgent then nothing is

Hi, I just wanted to follow up on the website changes that was requested and see if we have an update for the client as to when thee[sic] will be finished. Thank you for your help.

-- a rep, sent 20 minutes after I accepted the change request (we have a 48 hour service level agreement) and five minutes after I closed it WITH AN EMAIL TO THE CLIENT with resolution.

#the pants they must stay on #you know how to look this stuff up #or you would not have known to tag me #now try reading the notes and not just glancing at the case owner

Specificity is Your Friend

If I have sent you a confirmation that your laundry list of items is completed, do not respond back with a one line "this is not done'. If I have, in fact, made an error (I am not perfect, and I will own my mistakes), I now have to go back through the laundry list of items until I find one which was not completed, and have wasted a large amount of time I could have spent fixing your issue. If I have not made an error, I now have to go back through the laundry list of items twice to be extra sure I did not miss someting, and finally realize you probably just forgot to reload the page. I will then have wasted an even larger amount of time I could have spent fixing someone else's issue, who probably knows how to actually explain what they need.

#SpecificityItsAThing #use your words

Dear Customer: Meta Tags and Hash Tags are ENTIRELY UNRELATED THINGS!!!

I'm not even joking, just got a list of hashtags, complete with hashes, to add to a page's meta data.

#kill me now

Just sayin'

#I am the fucking queen of tact

*twitch*

constant. fucking. interruptions.

#see above

They're turning off the AC because its hot in here???

#ok i know what they mean #but still

And in today's game of What's Wrong With This Request...

"Please link the attached 2 documents to the ... icon at the bottom of the site."

#you don't really understand the web do you?

Stuff that totally does not help

If you find that tasks are being done more slowly because there is a backup here are some things that don’t help:

Sending the request again. This (a) makes the queue look even longer and bumps up everyone’s already elevated stress levels, (b) makes the person who picks up the second or third or (damnit) fourth iteration waste time halfway doing the work before they realize is already done but they still have to qa the whole thing on the off chance one of the later versions actually did contain something new.

Sending a request along for status. We work first-in-first-out, so by the time we see your status request you’ll already have recieved the completion notice and everyone’s time is wasted. Also see (a) above.

Repeating the request again, this time copying everyone you can think of, but not mentioning the issue is already in queue. This results in multiple people trying to do the same thing at once and stepping on each other’s toes and periodic additional escalations coming in from folks who read their inbox slower that we clear our queue. Once again, see above. Additionally this pisses off the person who was already on it before you decided to throw a cherry bomb in the toilet. (see next)

Failing to check the notes to see if someone has already taken ownership of your request before doing any of the above.

Failing to check your inbox to see if you’ve already been sent a completion notice or request for clarification before doing any of the above.

Actually check the notes to see if somebody has taken ownership of your issue but somehow fail to read on to see the status explained right there and instead go jostle that person’s elbow to be told exactly what you could have read on your own.

#i hate you so much

Who has two thumbs and can’t read minds?

IF I COULD READ MINDS DON'T YOU THINK I COULD GET A BETTER JOB THAN THIS???

#no no don't bother yourself to provide any context whatsoever #why would I need that?

You must really miss us

I just had the pleasure of placing a second ticket in an ex-customer's account called "customer forgot they're not actually our customer anymore."

#I bet your new provider charges less #I also bet you're getting what you're paying for #buh-bye

Replace photo with one to follow later this week.

A customer who thinks I can read my future inbox.

#If I'm going to pull a photo from next week it's gonna have lottery numbers on it #customers #time travel #I am a happy worker bee #Work is a wonderful place to be

#brain bandage

This is going to go 'round and 'round a few more times I can tell

rep: The customer complains only part of this document is posted.

us: We went back and checked. You only sent us the title page. We need the whole document.

rep: (quite some time later) the customer is still complaining that part of the document is missing. What's going on?

us: Gosh we're sorry. We must have misplaced the follow-up when you sent us the rest of the document.

rep: I never sent a follow-up.

us: That's what's going on, then.

#round and round we go #when we stop nobody knows #ok i do know actually #its when you give us what we asked for the first time

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