Stim Toy Etiquette: A Guide
This is targeted at non-stimmers who see us using our toys and wish to try them out. A few weeks ago, my very extended family were visiting, so I bought out my stim kit to show a few things to one relative I trusted. The unexpected, horrifying result (given that my relative moved from the quiet room to the busy all-the-people room) was fifteen people grabbing things out of my basket, which resulted in worn, soiled, ruined toys and a lot of work in cleaning, mending and sorting. Iâve got toys that are soiled beyond cleaning and other toys that were once pristine and now have worn-off paint and small tears.
For many of us, stim toys are disability aids. Someone else handling my toys is like someone else trying on my wrist splints. Theyâre personal items that become an extension of my own body and should be treated as such by others. If youâre careful handling someone elseâs glasses, you should be just as careful handling someoneâs stim toys, no matter how inexpensive you think any item is.
Some stimmers donât want other people touching our toys, and this needs to be understood and accepted without challenge or criticism. If a stimmer does not consent to your handling their toy, you do not touch or handle their toy. Keep in mind, though, that many of us struggle to voice this: neurotypical society seldom allows us to draw this boundary without harassment. Iâm writing this post, so you, our non-stimming friends, understand what not to do if we cannot communicate our boundaries ourselves.
If you see a toy used by someone else and want to try it out, please keep these things in mind:
Always first ask permission before handling someone elseâs toys.
If youâre planning to do more than lightly handling the toy and then returning it, ask the owner again if they mind you stimming with it/using it for a longer period of time. I can better tolerate people giving my toys a short investigative handling, but I have many toys that I donât want you stimming with for ten minutes straight, given the wear intensive stimming places on many toys.
If itâs a toy that the stimmer was using when you asked to handle it, donât hold onto it for a long period of time. They were using that toy in that circumstance for a reason; other toys in their kitâif they even have a stim kitâmay not replace that toy. If I was using my Tangle to survive anxiety, not having it leaves me without a coping mechanism, so look at it quickly and return it.
Donât ask to handle a toy in a classroom space if everybody else is quiet and working. Forcing the owner to have to respond to your question might get them in trouble with the teacher or other students. As someone with the autistic need to Follow The Rules, Iâd be incredibly anxious if someone asked me about a toy while weâre supposed to be quiet.
Consider the environment before you ask. Are there people whoâd bully or harass the owner if they overheard? Are there teachers or co-workers whoâd be less-than-sympathetic to an explanation about stimming? If you think your request to examine a toy puts the owner at risk, donât ask. Leave it for a time when youâll both be safe.
Watch the ownerâs body language for anxiety, tension or discomfort. In public or familial spaces, the owner might feel pressured to say yes to your handling of their toys, or they might feel that youâve handled that toy for too long or are handling it too roughly. We have no script for âcan you please stop using my toy nowâ to which NT folks wonât take offense, so do us the kindness of checking to ensure that our body language still affirms our consent. I tend to frown, flap my hands, rock from foot to foot or (especially) gather up my other items when someoneâs held on for a toy too long, but body language will differ from person to person. If thereâs a change in a personâs body language that isnât enthusiasm, Iâd take that as an indication that the owner is no longer comfortable and return the toy.
Permission to handle one toy doesnât mean permission to handle all of them any more than permission to try on my coat means you can also try on my shirt. If you want to touch more than one, if the owner has multiple items in their kit, specifically ask if you can do so.
Never touch the owner to handle a toy on their person. Always let them remove the toy and hand it to you themselves.
Never ask to handle chewables (usually items made from silicone or other soft plastics, often jewellery or a handheld teether). I donât want your hands on something that goes in my mouth! This is especially important for folks who go stealth with their chewing but still wear chewellery in public, since explaining why I donât want you touching my feather pendant can put me in danger of other folks knowing.
Wash your hands before handling anything, or at least make sure your hands have been washed shortly before handling. This is good hygiene and common courtesy, but itâs exceptionally important for toys that cannot be washed like slimes, putties and doughs. Itâs also important for toys that are difficult to wash or wipe over, like squishies or puffer toys. Donât leave me picking crumbs out of the TheraPutty I canât afford to replace, please.
If you sweat frequently, wear heavy hand lotion or have oily skin, consider that you may leave behind a noticeable residue on the toys you handle, even after youâve washed your hands. If so, only handle toys that can be easily wiped over or rinsedâthings made from ABS plastic or metal, like Tangles, spinners and chain fidgets. Some toy owners may be quite averse to sticky or greasy textures, and we will notice this residue. Iâve had many toys become unusable to me because of this.
If youâre wearing scented hand lotion, donât handle someone elseâs toys. You may impart a scent that stimmers with sensory sensitivities will find difficult to remove. This is especially important for items that canât be washed, like slimes and putties.
Handle toys gently and carefully, with a minimum of forceful squishing, twisting, pressing and stretchingâeven if I did just this a moment ago. Stress balls and squishies can tear. Paint can be worn off Tangles, squishies and puffer toys under even moderate handling. Tangles can break if twisted hard enough. Flocking can be worn off. Few toys will last forever under a stimmerâs use, but you shouldnât hasten that wear. For owners attached to their toys, wear in the paint or flocking can be incredibly distressing when made by someone else.
Donât make comments along the lines of âwhy would anyone use this?â or âI canât see anyone liking this toyâ for toys you dislike or donât connect with. Thereâs a wide variety of stim toys because people have unique sensory and accessibility needs, and just because a toy doesnât work for you doesnât mean it wonât work for others. If you must express your dislike, be respectful and just say that you donât like it.
If a stimmer has multiple toys in a box or a case (a stim kit), thereâs a reasonable chance (especially for we autistic stimmers) that they are placed in a specific order or arrangement. Please try your best to respect this. Everything in its spot is how I know toys havenât gone missing; Iâm desperately anxious when my order is messed up, and I wonât be comfortable until everything is back in its place.
If you treat someone elseâs stim toy like a valuable, precious thing, youâre not like to go too far wrong. Speaking personally, I donât think you can be too cautious: Iâd much rather have someone ask too many times about handling my toys than the situation I described above.
Iâll also say this: most stimmers are thrilled to talk about stim toys, if folks show any kind of compassionate interest. Weâll tell you where you can buy the toys you like or where you can find out more about them. We do want to interact with you about our stims. Iâm just asking for your consideration so that we can, stress-free, let you into our world.
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