“Words left unsaid are like illegitimate thoughts - conceived yet unborn. The mind that mills them, the heart where they come from – they yearn to give birth to unspoken words. These words take refuge on paper, the pen gives mighty blessing and the marriage of unborn thoughts gives birth to feelings and longings written by the heart.”
This is no extraordinary letter. It’s just one of my writings that holds pieces of emptiness, anxiety, pain, and also of my hopes. This is just a composition of sentences put together and addressed to the one who holds my fragmented heart.
If you are reading this, I hope you read it down to the last word.I don’t intend to write down and rant about how you got me dizzy trying to run me around in circles then left me hanging. I just can’t think of other ways on how to let the heavy feeling disappear or at least unload some pain I am experiencing right now since the day you cut the connection between you and me.
Mi Amor,
Hi. Did you even notice that I used to text you with “Hi’s”? And I get a little kilig whenever you reply fast because I didn’t expect replies from you given that you are much occupied with work. Well, those days were gone now. It disappoints me whenever I wake up in the morning not seeing your name in my notifications.
How did we get here? Things seemed to be moving forward and now, nothing. You were and still are perfect in every way. You just had everything I wanted in a person and I hoped you felt the same way too.
A conversation with you felt like it would last forever. You have this amazing way of making a simple sentence sound like the most beautiful poetry. I hung onto your every word. I craved talking to you and hearing your voice. I never wanted this to end, but sadly it crumbled right before my eyes. You just simply stopped and I began to lose the best thing that ever happened to me. The ideas conjured in my head of what we could have been are now shattered. Deep down, I think I always knew you didn’t love me back, but I was hoping to be wrong. It still cripples my heart every time I think about you and knowing that I hardly cross your mind. I guess this is what John Mayer, Lang Leav and every broken heart speaks about.
Every bit of me crashed when you closed your door and left me hanging. Without an explanation, literally without a word. I was left with so many questions. What did or didn’t I do or have said that made you stop the story just when we were in my most favorite part? I know I should have been more careful, but you should have been less selfish.
Do you know that kind of love that happens only once in a lifetime? I thought we could have that kind of love. I know it’s cliche to say this but I think it’ll take me forever to move on from you because what we had was something great or so I thought. I’m not even sure if you loved me too, even just for a while. But my love for you is so great that even if you try to reciprocate all the things I did for you, and the love I felt for you, it’ll probably take you forever before you can achieve the magnitude of it all.
I tried to get busy with work and have a life free from the thought of you. But I couldn’t. You’re my default. You’re the only one I think of when my mind floats away from reality. Now I’m crying as reality sinks in—that I’ll never get to have the conversations I had with you again. Now, I’ll have to resort to writing again – you as my subject.
Inasmuch as I wanted to dwell on the thought of you for as long as I can take and live in the memories we shared, I think it’s about time that I give myself credit for loving someone so much without asking for anything in return. It’s called unconditional love, look it up.
Thank you for making me believe that I am loved, that I’m capable of being a good wife (haha!). Thank you for the roller coaster ride. The way up was crazy and I loved it. I swear I loved every second of it. But you know what happens at the end of falling? Landing. And because your roller coaster was at sky level, the impact I had whilst falling was a million times harder and more intense than on the way up. It was as if I skyrocketed—only downwards. And the moment I hit the ground, all I got was bruises and scars. Bruises heal but scars don’t. I wanted to erase all the words you said but I don’t want to forget about you.
Please tell me that all you said in the past years weren’t just pretense. I love you, and I don’t know how not to.
Love,
P
