Warnings: Potentially bad angst, angst in general, mentions of insecurities - burn out, overwhelm, anxiety -, I think that's it.
A/N: First time writing angst in awhile but this is low key how I've been feeling lately aside from not dating Chris obviously. I wanted to express that in the idea of a fic so here it is and I tried making it longer since I feel my fics aren't very long. I hope this turns out good, I feel like the angst wasn't too crazy but the end is super fluffy so its okay. Okay thanks for reading enjoy!
It wasn't rare these days for you to be at home alone these days, despite the fact that you shared the spacious apartment with your boyfriend of 4 years. You've been together for so long now, been through many a fight and hardship together. Though lately it's been tense. Quiet like you both are tip-toeing around each other. Like you both know that anything could break the constructed normalcy between you two now.
Though it's easy to blame the other when your both to blame. You push Chris away when you're at your lowest expecting him to be able to read your mind, despite him already being wound so tight already. You're both struggling in your own ways but, you both find it hard to open up. You've been anxious and feeling so low not even having the energy to talk and, now with the worsening ache in your stomach today you can't help but feel worse. While Chris has been stressed and overwhelmed from working so hard.
You're exhausted and irritable. Chris has been sleeping at the dorms more and more lately. Truthfully he's scared. Scared to admit that you two are hurting, that you're broken, like you might be too far gone to fix. Chris is scared to lose you, it might be one of his biggest fears.
The sound of the front door closing behind him echos through the apartment. Usually you'd get up immediately rushing into his arms but with your with your cramps you're rooted in place - not that you'd be able to find anything to say.
"Hey babe... m'home..." Chris mumbles as he quietly makes his way into the bedroom. He talks as though he's scared to unsettle the room. You glance up at him nodding your head in his direction once before looking away again pressing harder against your abdomen.
"You okay...?"' He questions quietly his eyes worn and tired but the concern is hard to miss. "Stop.. please." You mutter back voice rough from not speaking in hours. He's taken aback, confusion striking his features now. "Stop...? ...Stop what- what do you mean I'm just-" He doesn't get to finish speaking — "You don't have to pretend to care." You cut in your rough voice making you sound colder. His face falls as he stops moving closer, his hands clenching and uncleching at his sides.
"You really think... I'm pretending to care...?" His voice gets lower not with anger but an unbelievable amount of hurt he's trying hard to mask. "I know things have been tense lately... so it might be hard to believe.. but I do still care about you." He runs a hand through his hair with a heavy sigh before he sits down on the edge of the bed.
"What... what happened to us Chris...?" The vulnerable question was expected at some point but it still catches him off guard. His first instinct is to get defensive, looking away his jaw jumps once before letting out an uneven breath. "Are you not gonna say anything? Chris im serious- "I know- its not like im unaware onlf you always pulling away and ignoring me." His words hit you hard, its not like it's not true but it hurt to hear out loud especially since hes been doing the same. "Are you kidding me.. what about you. You never even stay over here anymore of course I'm not going to be happy-go-lucky."
"And why do you think that is?"
"So all of this is my fault now- you're not going to sit here and act like you're not also to blame."
He sits and stares at you before his eyes dart away a heavy sigh leaving him. He runs a hand through his hair again his voice barely audible now.
"I don't know... we just... haven't been talking." He mutters looking down at his hands in his lap. He slowly reaches a hand out to rest on your thigh his eyes pleading. "I'm sorry... you're right- there's been so many times... I've wanted to just-"
He cuts himself off his eyes suspiciously watery before he looks away. You shift closer cupping his cheeks Turing him to face you again. "Talk to me- please... I can't keep going on like this." "You don't understand how many times I- I thought about ending things... how many times I thought it'd be better to leave then stay in this limbo..." The admitted words — 'breaking up', the fact that it's crossed your mind more then once. It absolutely breaks Chris in two.
He stares up at you mouth open and closing like he's unsure of what to even say. He simply pulls you into his arms holding you tight against him sniffling softly. "I was scared... and I was being selfish... I didn't want to admit we were struggling... "I didn't wanna lose you... I still don't..." His admission cracks your heart open. You let out a shaky breath holding him tight as tears spill over your blotchy cheeks.
"I don't wanna lose you either.. of course I don't... you think I haven't been scared...?" "I thought you stopped caring... I've missed you so much but... if I say anything I'm nagging and clingy." Your eyebrows pinch together as you try not to cry more. "Oh babygirl... I've never stopped caring about you... I just thought you wanted space and then eventually the work piled up." He groans under his breath frustrated with himself and the situation. "It felt like you were pushing me away... I thought I was doing the right thing." You look up at him with glassy eyes sighing softly. "We both pushed each away... I just get scared... if I say anything.. anything at all that's bothering me... I'll scare you off. I mean I get mean and moody why would you want to put up with that... why should you have to..." "Because I love you.. even when you get a little grumpy or you're just not having a good day or week.. whatever. You think you'll scare me away for being human, baby I've been thinking of ways to fix things for weeks... knowing I couldn't picture myself with anyone else."
"I know I've been distant... and so busy but I swear... There's no where else I wanted to be.
His words send a tender ache beneath your ribs one that has your eyes watering again. "Chris stop saying stuff like that..." You mutter with a watery laugh but the look in his eyes is tender, serious as he wipes your tears away. "I don't want this distance between us anymore. I miss you so much and I can't stand walking around our home worried it's just a breaking point for us." You nod as you cup his cheeks resting your forhead against his before you hiss softly under your breath. Your cramps picking the perfect moment to act up again. Chris's eyes lock on you immediately his hand finding your abdomen. Feeling the tense muscles under his palm his eyes soften with concern.
"Baby, how about I take care of you tonight, we can talk more tomorrow let me just be here for you right now...?" He looks at you with those soft worried eyes, a look you know all too well - before you shrug your shoulders. Your habit of not accepting help feeling full circle to the topic of your issues right now — though it's not a no.
He gets up and finds your heating pad plugging it in before adjusting it against you and tucking you back into the covers. "I'll be right back.. I'll make you some tea, have you eaten..?" He asks as his voice taken a noticeably softer edge. You look down at your lap shaking your head. He sighs softly in understanding before kissing your forehead, standing up to fix you a quick meal and tea.
He comes back a few minutes later with a steaming bowl of ramen and an equally steamy mug of green tea. Setting them both down on your side table before sitting down on the edge of the bed, he brushes some hair out of your face.
"Here baby eat up, I made you some ramen." His voice was soft and it coaxing. He hands you the bowl and watches you carefully for a moment as you eat before getting up to change into something more comfortable. "I'll be right back love, you just rest up and eat okay?" You nod softly as you continue to eat watching him move around the room, with an ease that wouldn't suggest how tense these walls have been lately.
By the time he makes it back into bed fresh faced and clingy. He slips into bed next to you as you're sipping your tea a small smile tugging at you lips. He wraps his arms around you tight watching you set you mug down before looking down at him. "Feeling any better baby?" His voice is soft devoid of the tense and rough cadence, his fingertips brushing gently against your arm. "Yeah... I am it's just..." You trail off the words left unsaid, obvious to Chris. "I know baby... but it's been a long day for us both yeah? Let's just try and get some rest and we can talk more in the morning hmm?" He asks softly his eyes soft and focused on you, his fingertips continuing their gentle movements up and down your arm.
You smile softly leaning down to kiss his cheek before nodding. "Okay... yeah that sounds good."
You move closer into his arms letting him hold you against his chest. "Missed this... missed you... so much."
You bury your face in his chest sniffling softly but Chris just holds you even tighter.
He holds you all night and he doesn't let go. Not even even when the sun begins to peek through the blinds and through your curtains. The same ones you two picked out together when you moved in together after two years of dating. You think back to moments like that a lot, especially lately.
Like how despite how busy Chris would be he'd always make sure when he's home you're right next to him even as he works. Or how he'll fight with you on making dinner despite you both being tired, wanting to be the one to take care of him. You think back to some of your first dates a lot — lots of late night walks and cooking dates at your apartment. All the times he'd help you take off your makeup when you were too tired to yourself or how you'd help style and take care of his curls.
You miss the simple moments the most with him. Sitting in peaceful silence together his arm around your waist or hand perched on your thigh, never letting you forget here's right by your side.
You turn in his arms brushing the dark strands of his curls out of his eyes. You smile a weary smile your nose pressing gently against his cheek. He shifts under your touch blinking slowly up at you.
"Mmm morning baby... how you feeling?"
Chris's morning voice has a grin tugging at your lips before you hum nodding slowly.
"I slept great.. how bout you?" You ask as your hand plays with the hair at the nape of his neck. "I slept pretty good... mhmm."
He says as he nods before leaning back staring up at you.
"Are you still upset... you know about everything...?"
The question catches you off guard, you pull back yourself watching him closely. "I'm upset that... it's taken this long for us to even acknowledge we were struggling." The words hit you both, it anchors you both to the room, the moment heavy and waiting.
"Me too... but we're here now... that's progress right...?" His words come out shaky, unsure like he's still scared you'll pull the rug out from under him and still suggest breaking up. "Yeah... progress... we just need to talk to each other... instead of pretending ignoring the problem is going to solve anything." Chris sits up nodding, suddenly more serious now.
"Okay let's just... lay everything out on the table.. talk about what's been bothering us and, maybe ways to fix the distance that's been happening between us. Do you... wanna start?" He's completely focused on you his tone soft and patient. You feel your stomach ease a little. You've been worried for weeks about this conversation but right now you feel like you can speak your mind.
"I've just been... really down, like I didn't have much energy to be in a relationship..." You look down as you admit not feeling being in the right mental space to be in a relationship a wave a guilt washing over you. "Like talking and having to be cheery and being nice to be around... it just felt like too much... I guess I was being selfish." He shakes his head quickly, taking your hands squeezing them gently.
"Baby please don't call yourself selfish just because you were struggling. If you don't feel like talking then tell me... we can just sit in silence until you feel like talking again. Just please don't push me away I want to help you.. be there for you always."
"Well you can't push me away either... it's like you're scared to come home these days." His face falls before sighing softly. "You're right... I thought I was giving you space but I was only making things worse... I should've talked to you... ask you what you needed instead of assuming and pulling away."
You sigh shakily before nodding slowly. "We both made some mistakes... yeah..." He lets out a small shaky laugh. "We just gotta tell each other what's on out mind... we can't keep bottling things up baby. It's not healthy and it's only hurting us in the long run."
"I know, I know... it's just hard... I get so scared letting people in... because it's just seems like everytime I do I feel like a burden like I'm being too much. He moves in closer cupping your cheeks his gaze steady and sure. "You're not a burden, you're not too much. You're human and sometimes you won't feel up to talking, you won't be happy all the time, and that's okay none of that means you're not deserving of love and being happy. I'll always take care of you and I'm sorry I haven't been doing a very good job of that lately."
A watery laugh escapes you as you fall into his arms tears streaming down your cheeks staining his shirt. He runs a hand up and down your back tugging you gently into his lap. He presses a few tender kisses to your temple keeping you wrapped tight in his arms. You feel safe like nothing could get to you right now.
You stay in his arms for a while, you're not sure for how long but it isn't until he pulls away kissing your forhead you remember he has work still to get to today. "Are you sure you have to go in today?"
He smiles that sweet lopsided grin you love, hugging him tighter at the sight of it.
"Yeah baby I gotta go... but only for a few hours I promise. I'll make sure I make it back soon okay?" He leans in nuzzling his nose with yours before kissing your lips a few times before nipping at your lip pulling away with a smirk.
"You're such a tease." You say with an eye roll as you watch him get up to get dressed. He playfully pouts at you before leaning back over the bed kissing you again before looking down at you.
"Don't act like you don't love it." He teases before heading off to the bathroom. You laugh to yourself as you get up to get ready for the day yourself. Feeling a weight off your shoulders now that you two have talked and came to an understanding. You two truly just need to work on opening up and being more honest with each other. It won't be easy and you won't unlearn every insecurity and bad habit over night but it's a start.
By the time Chris is dressed and ready for work your setting the dishes from breakfast in the sink he comes up wrapping his arm around you from behind. His voice is soft and full of affectionate promise.
"When I get home it'll just be me and you I promise."
He kisses your neck before you turn around in his arms kissing him slowly. Pulling back you look up at him with soft eyes and a nod.
"I'll hold you to it Christopher."
He laughs brightly shaking his head before squeezing you. "C'mon baby I gotta get going but I'll be back soon I promise." You laugh with him following along with him to the front door with a playful pout.
"No pouting baby — he kisses you once, then twice — you won't even notice I'm gone." You roll yours eyes again before kissing him playfully shoving him out the door. He laughs, his eyes crinkled at the corners as his dimples pop out. He leans in one last time for a sweet kiss before pulling back his voice as soft as his eyes. "I love you.. so much." You feel yourself melt under his touch whispering against his lips — "I love you too baby.. more than anything." You can see his eyes get a little brighter at your words before he gives a shy smile heading off now.
Once you say goodbye and close the door behind him you feel lighter than you have in weeks. Like there's been a weight lifted off your chest, your heart. You two talked, you held each other close you can feel the hope bloom between you like a rose bud. You're not scared to see a breaking point between you two - you're just looking forward to spending one day at time with the love of your life.
Okay that was the end I hope you all enjoyed. Hopefully the angst was good and it was worth reading to get to the fluff. I don't typically write angst but I was in a mood so here we are. Also the songs I listened to as inspo would've made it much angstier i should've listened again oh well. Thank you for reading please let me know what you thought and if you really liked please do reblog! Okay that's all byeee ily ♡
