rawr. @princessrina - Tumblr Blog

The ghosts are still here, but they don’t scare me anymore.

I wonder what color(s) you illuminate when the thought of you lingers on my mind. I wonder if the map of my brain goes wild because I’ve learned such a twisted way to love, that all the colors and places wouldn’t be so “right”. Then again, what could ever be enough to be able to show how complicated these emotions are for how I’ve felt about you? I wish it was easy for me to move on with my life and forget the people who I’ve come across, but everything anybody ever does makes such an immeasurable emotional impression on me. My mind especially fixates on the little acts of unspoken kindness, even with complete strangers. I try to fill the cracks, I try to keep my life occupied with busy movements, a life that never seems to stop to catch a break, so that maybe I would be too exhausted to think about anything other than the present moment. It never works. People say that when you give something enough time, it’ll heal everything that needs to be healed… But they forget to disclose that healing never happens the way that you think it’ll happen.

I wrote this almost a year ago, on the car ride home from Brooklyn.

There is so much more to life than being cooped up and huddled in the quiet corners and comfortable spaces of your own life. So much more to embrace than the blankets that envelop your heavy sorrows and thoughts at night.

It’s the little things... Like looking at the curves and lines and textures of a painting at a museum - being drowned in the colors, flooded with questions of the artist’s intentions, and appreciating the amount of work and dedication that went into the craft; looking at your life and wondering when was the last time you put as much of an effort into your own life, or even just a tiny quarter of it.

He was leaning against the rusted metal railing of the Brooklyn Bridge with his head tilted sideways to the right, resting it comfortably in the nook of his folded arms, swiftly scanning the cars that were beneath us that were zooming by at a breakneck speed. I wondered what he was seeing - rather, what he was thinking. I don’t know why I feel so sentimental sometimes, looking at certain expressions on people’s faces, catching fleeting moments within strangers’ eyes who seem to be drinking in all of the lovely goodness of life, and being so caught up in the magic of particular moments.

#streamofconsciousness

The waves well know that things will always come and go.

I sit here quietly from an oceanfront balcony, Arms tightly hugging my knees gathered to my chest, Watching as the sun slowly peels out from underneath the horizon, Emerging forth from the low clouds and the belly of the earth.

Time keeps ticking, And as every minute passes, The skies shift and the waters turn, Bluer and bluer.

It aches. It breaks my heart, That the tragedy still remains.

But we go on, We must.

#6am

I’m tired of it all - the feeling of being broken every single day and feeling like things could actually change for the better. I’m really exhausted.

Crooked moon; how odd.

In the heat of a dry, summer night I could hear the sounds of distant cars speeding by on the parkway and the steady humming of the refrigerator. These lonely midnight hours always seem to heighten my senses, makes me feel as if I have been warped into a different world filled with a magnitude of unfamiliar emotions whenever the clock strikes twelve. I have such a tender place in my heart for those who can’t sleep at night, for the restless minds of insomniacs that scour the entire expanse of their brains, picking and searching for answers that can never be answered. The night always brings a blanket of soul-searching quietness; sometimes it can be suffocating and sometimes it can be immensely comforting.

Tuck your heart away.

I went to go get a haircut today and I wonder why I have so many issues parting with even a mere inch of my hair. What am I holding onto so badly that I have so much anxiety? I’ll squeeze my eyes shut because I feel that every time a snip here and there and a handful of hair floats to the floor, a part of me disappears too.

Breathe in, don’t breathe out.

The worst is when you’re unutterably sad, but filled with so much rage that the hot bitterness bursts through your sorrow and dries up your tears, leaving you nothing but a blistering negativity; a burning sensation of repression and aggravation. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve pictured myself just leaving - leaving the egg white colored walls of this room, this small town, this state, the face of the earth. If you could picture my battered heart on a platter, there would be so much blood you wouldn’t even be able to locate it. You would be in a pinnacle of awe of how my heart is still functioning, even after all of its punctures and wounds. I don’t know why I’m still alive and breathing.

I’m so sick and tired of all of this. The way I have to try ten times harder than the average person in everything, like how I have to be so careful about what I do or say, in case I hurt the other person - and still that is not enough. I’m left with more than just a sour taste in my mouth - it’s my own vomit. I’m exhausted. I’ve only lived a quarter of my life and I’ve already nearly tapped out. The saddest part of all of this is that I’m not even trying to be dramatic.

Maybe I shouldn’t be talking to anybody anymore because the situation will end up with either me bothering the other person or me being bothered by the other person not understanding my soul. I don’t know which one hurts more yet, but they both make me feel sick inside.

I want to disappear.

At what expense -

It is in the deafeningly quiet hours of the night where I realize just how small of a human being I am. I wonder when it will be when this tired heart of mine will stop aching so agonizingly with all of this pain that just keeps festering inside of me. I would be lying to myself if I said that I have been handling being an independent adult very well because emotionally I’ve been an absolute wreck. I think that I’ve also been trying too hard to make everyone around me feel better than just tired of life - it’s not that I’m forcing myself to, but I want everyone around me to be happy, to realize their full potential in being happy, and I realize that I don’t have enough energy to do that for every single person.

I don’t know if I’m making any sense, but all I know is at the end of the day, I feel incredibly lonely and sad.

I just wish for people to live mindfully, as in you should sincerely take into thought and be aware of your own actions and the consequences that follow. You don’t have to be the most patient, positive, or proactive person - no, it all just boils down to mindfulness and gratitude. What happened to this world? To the people around me? I remember when people used to call each other out on how they were behaving and this helped them to become better people, whilst strengthening interpersonal relationships. Nowadays, everyone has become so damn defensive and sensitive, even if a person is telling that other person out of pure love and care. I think that it is becoming harder and harder to find people who care - about becoming a better person and realizing that that process is incredibly difficult. Growth does not happen overnight and you have to surround yourself with the right people who can help you to become the best version of yourself. You can’t just pick and choose what you want or like to do because then, that’s just selfishness. It takes true strength and character to be able to filter out the emotions and to take a moment to listen to the people around you. What kind of person do you want to be? Who are you? What kind of son or daughter are you? Are you living your life purposefully and using your time to the fullest? Are you a better person than you were yesterday? How can we stay on a path of enlightenment, growth, and love?

Have you finally noticed that I've been desperately trying to bury you beneath disruptions, distractions, and my own writings?

It comes and goes in waves.

I wonder if this is where you’ve always wanted to be in life, or if you’re just like me and you’re kind of just caught up in the whirlwind of it all - thrusted into the chaos of adulthood without anything or anyone else to hold onto but the battered pieces of your heart. I hope that you’re surrounded by the people you’ve always wanted to be loved by and that they are building you up to be the person you are constantly chasing after, instead of dragging you under behind your back (or worse, just taking up the empty spaces). I miss conversing with you, even if it was just to say a simple hello or a brief, mental checkup. People would deem me crazy, but it was truly in those unnoticeably subtle conversations that made all the difference during my dreadful days, or weeks, or months. It was never about spending the most time with you or doing the most “meaningful” things. I adored the simplicity of our conversations that still held their weight... And I hope that you’re happy. I hope that the people around you deeply appreciate that elusive sliver of you as much as I do.

Rainbows make me cry.

I wonder if you’re doing well. If you think about me whenever you pick up a pack of Skittles and find yourself habitually picking out the red ones because those were my favorites. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how much fun we had doing things that I don’t even remember what we were doing, but I know we had endless laughter. Things were so much easier back then. Even if our judgments were cloudy and we were afraid of making certain decisions because of the consequences that could follow, we felt like we could conquer the whole world and that nothing could topple us down from where we were flying. Time to time, we’d falter and fall, but then immediately laugh and dust off our shoulders. We’d get right back up and pick up were we left off.

I’ve been really missing those inimitable feelings of learning and growing together because those moments were the most pure... Now, it’s - it’s a different kind of learning. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason and that the people in our lives are meant to be where they are. We are meant to be where we are... But that still doesn’t change the fact that my heart can’t seem to get rid of this terrible aching. Maybe that’s why I’ve stopped eating Skittles.

Do you ever just come to a sudden epiphany where you realize that certain friendships were just never meant to work out and that some people are inherently selfish? You can’t keep loving people if they’re toxic and it sucks - it really shatters my heart to pieces.

So... This happened a little over a month ago... I got engaged on our trip at Turks and Caicos. I feel like I’ve been growing up so quickly over these past few years and I’m not really sure where I’ve been because of how much of a blur all of it has been - but I’ve been growing. I’m happy, but I guess what I’m trying to say is that I never thought I would be here, like this, at this time and age in my life right now. I’ve always wanted to grow up as soon as possible and live out my adult life to the utmost, but now that I’m at these crossroads it feels so strange to take that leap of faith. It feels bizarre to be surrounded by so many people I never would have imagined myself to be around and, even further, it’s so peculiar that I have lost almost everyone I imagined myself to be around; life has too many revelations and my heart always has a shade of bittersweetness.

Is it winter out there or in here because -

I could have sworn that I jolted awake, sweating and scratch covered, to the rippling and ruffling of frightened birds, holding onto their soft robes of pale feathers, but in all actuality it was the swaying and squealing of the tree limbs holding onto their swishing, wind barraged leaves.

Even trees must learn how to let go, die and resurrect.

Hi. I had to come back to make a post about Kobe because I realized that I used to always post about basketball on here. I can’t believe both of his jerseys have been retired and that his era is finally over. So much of my childhood, my attitude towards life, and the friends I’ve made were through the same admiration we all had for Kobe. Ahhhhhhhhh.

I watched you sleeping and thought to myself, “What if I outgrew you?”

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