James drank in every word as though each one stitched another broken piece of him back together. His eyes never left John's face, afraid that if he blinked, this would dissolve into another cruel fantasy.
"I kept reaching for youā¦ every night. I feared I'd never hear your beating heart again."
The confession that John had suffered too, that the silence between them had been hell for him as well, made James's expression crumple. He wouldn't wish that on beloved, never in a million years. His thumb lingered against John's cheek for a moment longer, a quiet apology passing through the gentle touch.
When John leaned into his touch instead of pulling away, James's expression softened. His thumb carefully traced beneath the bruise on John's cheek, avoiding the split lip, until a tear slipped across his skin. The feel of John's lips against his palm nearly undid him. Instinctively, his fingers curled ever so slightly, wanting to return every ounce of comfort John sought from him.
Though John's apology soon drew James to reach for both of John's hands instead, holding them carefully between his own.
"You came back... that's all that matters."
A tiny smile returned, warm despite the tears.
"I am cross with you," he admitted softly. "Very cross."
There wasn't any real bite to the words. Only relief.
Then he leaned forward until their foreheads met once more.
"But I could never stop loving you."
The words lingered between them before James added, barely above a whisper, " If loving you enough to feel you in my soul is a curse... then it's one I'd choose every lifetime."
When John offered his blood however, and placed James's hand upon his chest to let him feel the beating, horror crossed James's face.
The heartbeat beneath his palm was achingly familiar.
He had missed it more than he had words to describe.
His fangs peeked past his lips before he could stop them. But instead of sinking them into willing skin James pulled back at once, shaking his head, putting a little distance between them despite every part of him wanting to stay close.
"I'm... f-far too hungry."
He glanced helplessly toward John's throat before forcing himself to look away.
"You're human and I haven't fed in over a week. I don't trust myself like this." His eyes found John's again, full of fear for the man he loved.
"I would rather starve than risk hurting you."
He got up then. In the blink of an eye, the coffin was now between them because he knew exactly how desperately he wanted to cross that distance.
James wrapped both arms around himself, keeping them there as if afraid even his own body might betray him. He refused to test the fragile control he had left. Not with John like this.
"I've waited over a week for you to come home," he said quietly, his eyes never leaving John's. "I'm not going to lose you five minutes after getting you back."
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