prismacolor understanding

therapy thoughts or whatever

[prismacolorunderstanding]

i'm so mad that you built a home inside a brain you didn't even try to know.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Officially gaining some quarantine weight. 😅 But that’s okay. I’m gonna keep on eating just like I have been because if gaining some pounds is the “worst” thing that happens to me during this pandemic, that’s a damn privilege.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

My body has been so good to me these past two weeks. My mom and I ended up getting one way tickets to Tennessee because my grandma is really sick and we just got home this morning. Between stress, driving all over the place every day, and not being able to eat what everyone else did because of allergies, I didn’t lose any weight! I’m exhausted and the lack of enough calories caught up to me but I didn’t crash too hard, didn’t fall into any ED behaviors, barely even thought about my body the whole time, and maintained my weight. I’m tired and happy. I can trust myself.

[eatingdisorderconfession]

91401) i think, by now i reached a point at which i've gotten a bit better at eating healthier/more regularly etc. but i still can't eat anything without feeling at least a little but guilty and i fear, i might never be able to do so

[prismacolorunderstanding]

The other day I told my fiancé I would love to be able to eat anything without feeling like a bad person. Tonight that actually happened. I feel strange, a foreign feeling of normalcy, but not guilt. I think I like it.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Y’all, I ate a whole pint of ice cream tonight. (Okay I gave my fiancé a few bites but barely anything.) I’ve never done this before. I’m not sure I’ve eaten this many calories in one sitting before, like ever. I’m weirdly proud of myself because I’m still in a relapse and had nooooot eaten enough today, but I basically made up for it without even feeling too bad. I’m actually satiated right now which terrifies me, but I’m proud of myself for eating what I wanted to and as much as my body craved. I just gotta work on not restricting tomorrow.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

A note for those struggling with food this Thanksgiving:

Please eat. A large meal with your family or friends (or just yourself) isn’t a binge. And if you truly do binge this Thanksgiving, please forgive yourself. It’s just one day. You will not wake up significantly bigger tomorrow. The food that you eat won’t be a part of you, it’s just in you. It can’t become you. Enjoy your meal. Enjoy a dessert. And if you can’t bring yourself to eat, talk to someone. You deserve to nourish yourself.

I know how hard it is to eat socially. Events that include food are uncomfortable enough, let alone an entire day centered around it.

So don’t think of it that way.

Forget the food. Give thanks. Practice gratitude. If you feel your thoughts turning negative, try to think of something you appreciate. A friend, or a pet. The cute outfit you’re wearing. Having the day off from school or work.

And if some family member decides to comment on your appearance, or what you’re eating, know that it says more about their own insecurity than it does about you.

Most importantly, take care of yourself.

Happy Thanksgiving!

[prismacolorunderstanding]

I’m really not happy to admit this but I think I’ve relapsed. It’s been long enough now that I’ve been giving in to symptoms/behaviors that I need to do some real work to get back on track. I’m disappointed because I thought my recovery was stronger than it was, but I’m not ashamed. I’m ill and that’s not my fault. I can get better again.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

I have new stretch marks!!! The last time I noticed myself getting new, reddish stretch marks was literally a decade ago, maybe more. I don’t know why but it makes me really happy. It’s like a sign of progress. Plus they’re cute.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Can I just say: if you’re “curious” about something diet/food/body/weight related and you have a history of eating disorders (or disordered eating or body dysmorphia or OCD), DO NOT do the thing. Don’t add up how many calories you ate today just because you’re “curious.” Don’t measure yourself, don’t look up some celebrity’s measurements, don’t look into macros or keto or BMI charts or ANYTHING else like that. That stuff is absolutely TOXIC and even giving in one time can turn into a habit. So please, if you care about yourself and you want to recover or just don’t want to get worse, IGNORE THE URGE!!

[pinklovehearts]

once you learn how many calories are in something it’s really difficult to forget so please take my advice and don’t look it up in the first place

[prismacolorunderstanding]

I don’t think I’ve shared any comments from this post but THIS is so important for people to see!!! I know it’s tempting. I KNOW. I decided to add up my calories for a few days after my ED diagnosis so I’d be able to tell my nutritionist how much I ate... It’s been over two years and it’s the last behavior I have that’s still part of my everyday life. PLEASE don’t even start! It is hell!

[prismacolorunderstanding]

I don’t want to lose weight anymore.

I recently started a medication that caused extremely low appetite for two weeks. I struggled a lot to eat enough, and still failed most days, because I had no interest in food. I ended up losing several pounds and was actually upset about it. But I was cognizant of where my mind went and was able to avoid triggering my ED. My appetite is back now (with a touch of extreme hunger) and I’ve been eating what I want without worrying about eating “too much” or “too unhealthy.” I’m looking forward to my weight settling back where it’s been for months.

I’m really doing it. I’m recovering.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Y’all, I just got diagnosed with ADHD and I’m so relieved because I’ve been dealing with symptoms for so long and always just thought I was lazy and impatient and disorganized. I’m happy to have a name for it and more access to resources, BUT also a little scared because I’m trying a medication to manage it that can cause loss of appetite. So I need to be REALLY on myself about food. But I think I can do it.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Checking in to say I passed 2 years in recovery on the first and I turned 25 last week and I’m having a VERY hard time because my weight is starting to slowly creep up after stabilizing for several months and I’m extremely close to a weight I’ve feared for a very long time. Everything is Not Great and I’m extremely tired of being in this mental space.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Can I just say: if you’re “curious” about something diet/food/body/weight related and you have a history of eating disorders (or disordered eating or body dysmorphia or OCD), DO NOT do the thing. Don’t add up how many calories you ate today just because you’re “curious.” Don’t measure yourself, don’t look up some celebrity’s measurements, don’t look into macros or keto or BMI charts or ANYTHING else like that. That stuff is absolutely TOXIC and even giving in one time can turn into a habit. So please, if you care about yourself and you want to recover or just don’t want to get worse, IGNORE THE URGE!!

[prismacolorunderstanding]

Yooooo I think I finally reached my set point weight. 😱 Just shy of two years in recovery and I seem to be hovering around a few pound window with almost no restriction (and when I do restrict it’s not by much and I tend to make up for it). So, physical recovery: COMPLETE. Now to work on my brain because that’s had barely any progress since I started. 😅

[eatingdisorderconfession]

90974) I’m sort of recovered, I eat regularly now, I’m a healthy weight, but I still think about restricting daily, I hate myself and my body and restricting gave me a sort of comfort, but it also made me very sick, I feel like I’m in a constant battle with my own mind, what if it is always like this? I don’t know if I can keep doing this forever.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

This feels like where I’m at. Typical quasi-recovery stuff. I’m at a totally healthy weight (not just the lowest acceptable BMI but far beyond it) but the thoughts are still the same. I use behaviors much less but they’re still there. I still get excited if something has less calories than expected. I constantly question if I’m eating enough or too much or too unhealthy or too soon. I still 100% have an eating disorder, psychologically.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

My body is SO sensitive from all my years of restriction that now even unintentionally eating 25% less one day than I did the day before (which is still a very normalized amount for my size/age) makes me get dizzy/disoriented by bedtime. In related news: I’m eating a nightsnack now.

[prismacolorunderstanding]

I had a good recovery day yesterday in that I ate whatever, had more Oreos than I’ve ever had in a day before because I’ve been craving them for months, ordered what I wanted for dinner anyway, AND got ice cream with my (future) sisters-in-law for her birthday and ended up sticking half in the freezer because I was full and wanted to honor my hunger cues. Went to bed not hungry for the first time in months. So of course today I’m in a very bad place, but I’ll make it through.