HEART / LOST

ind. highly selective ASRA of ARCANA. written by eevee.

[chrmvnt-deactivated20210301]

 𝔞𝔫  𝔦𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔫𝔱、 𝔭𝔯𝔦𝔳𝔞𝔱𝔢、 𝔞𝔫𝔡  𝔪𝔲𝔱𝔲𝔞𝔩𝔰  𝔬𝔫𝔩𝔶、   𝐎𝐑𝐈𝐆𝐈𝐍𝐀𝐋  𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑.  𝔴𝔯𝔦𝔱𝔱𝔢𝔫  𝔞𝔫𝔡  𝔩𝔬𝔳𝔢𝔡  𝔟𝔶  𝐅𝐔𝐀𝐍.  ❪  𝔯𝔢𝔞𝔡  𝔱𝔥𝔢  𝔡𝔬𝔠  𝔟𝔢𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔢  𝔦𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤.  ❫

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like for a lazy asra in your inbox tbh. 

[thegoodvybe]

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I tried twitter RP but I can’t wrap my head around it so I’m stuck in this declining hellsite making blogs that I probably won’t be able to find much interaction on. 

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"never did know when to keep my nose out of things." andesha signs, followed by a quiet, nearly soundless laugh as he settles back into his spot, organizing herbs for his next batch of medicine.

YESSSS GIVE ME THE BOY — always accepting!

Asra can’t help laughing too, because that’s just the way they’ve always been.  As if he’s any better at keeping his nose out of trouble.  Asra shrugs, listening as the city guard bustles passed the outside of the tent.  

“If you did keep your nose out of things, think of all the additional times I would likely have been arrested.”  He peeks over Desh’s shoulder, watching him work with a smile.  

[prismaseer]

Just an update, I stopped going by eevee a while back (while I was mucking around on twitter and actually gaining a following in my writing on AO3 and shit) so I’ve officially changed my mun handle to faeri.  

[prismaseer]

❝ A broken heart can be as lethal as a bullet to the brain. ❞ // :^)

HEART ACHE SENTENCE PROMPTS — accepting !

— oh, doesn’t Asra know it?  

Terrible panic seizes him, feet fleet with the urge to flee.  That’s always what he’s been good at, really.  Running away.  Asra does not run now, though the desire is a siren song and he’s cataloguing ways he could get away.  Except, well, he can’t very well run away when they’re stuck in the middle of trying to gather information on their least favorite count.  He’ll endure anything, for Muriel  — including this. 

“Yes.”  He admits, taking a few steps further before he turns to face Julian.  “A broken heart can lead a man to do many things that he isn’t proud of.”  It’s as close to an admission of guilt as he has as of yet given.  (And guilty, he does in fact feel.  Guilt dogs his steps closely, and has for so long now.  He’s weary of outrunning guilt.  It turns out, guilt obviously has better stamina than him.)   

“— do you really want to do this now?” Hands wring at the strap of his bag, eyes averted and low.  But he wouldn’t begrudge Julian for wanting to talk now.  He has the chance now—  who can say that will be the case later, when they have what they need?  Asra does have a history of a very well rehearsed disappearing act.  “Okay.” 

[prismaseer]

tumblr peeps are we still answering asks on the dashboard in a new post or are asks like ,,, formatting again. 

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I gotta like ,,, make asra a doc and everything bc he has like ,,, a functional blog which is not the style now lmao.  God it’s been so long ,, 

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I gotta, ,, clean up my follow / following list because like ,,, no ones active. 

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YOUR HEART IS FILLED WITH WANDERLUST.   DESIRE TO GO ELSEWHERE.

ind. asra alnazar of the arcana.  written by eevee.  at least a little canon divergent. 

[prismaseer]

* STARTER CALL. 

[vaememes]

💔     HEART     ACHE     SENTENCE     PROMPTS    !  

❝ You are a victim of your own broken heart. ❞

❝ You’re breaking my heart.  ❞

❝ The heart is just a muscle, isn’t that right? ❞

❝ You’ve left a void in me that cannot be filled. ❞

❝ Time does not heal a broken heart as they say. ❞

❝ How do you cope when the love is with somebody else? ❞

❝ Well, you can’t have heartbreak without love. ❞

❝ Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery. ❞

❝ My heart no longer felt as if it belonged to me. ❞

❝ There is an ocean of silence between us… and I am drowning in it. ❞

❝ Raw love, like raw heartache, could blindside you. ❞

❝ I was born the day you kissed me, died the day you left me.  ❞

❝ I’ve fallen victim to love once in my life, it was enough for me.  ❞

❝ I think perhaps I will always hold a candle for you – even until it burns my hand. ❞

❝ I would have followed you to hell and back… if only you’d lead me back.  ❞

❝ I had fallen but you were not there to catch me.  ❞

❝ This pain has not passed, this pain, I’m afraid, it will never pass. ❞

❝ A broken heart can be as lethal as a bullet to the brain. ❞

❝ As if you gave your heart to autumn, for what it destroys never blossoms again. ❞

❝ A single heartbreak teaches you more than what a lifetime of schooling can. ❞

❝ You taught me how to live with you, now tell me how to live without you… ❞

❝ You hurt me and yet I cannot stay away, I am miserable either way. ❞

❝ Do you know why he did what he did to you? Because he could. ❞

❝ I have been bitter since the day you broke my heart. ❞

❝ Today is just another day of trying to get by without you. ❞

❝ An entire world of people can never replace the one that I’ve lost. ❞

❝ I cannot carry on with my future when I am stuck in my past. ❞

❝ Many things we die but this love I have for you will not. ❞

❝ I could never love another as I do you, even if I wanted to. ❞

❝ This heart break will be the death of me. ❞

❝ I still fight and I don’t know why. ❞

❝ If our love is tragedy then are you my remedy? ❞

❝ When you’re ready, come find me, my heart is open. ❞

❝ Love is both, the strongest and the weakest thing you can have in life. ❞

❝ Black misery painted on a blood red heart. ❞

❝ You make me feel like a firefly. Trapped in a belljar; starved for love. ❞

❝ Sometimes your eyes are not the only place the tears fall from. ❞

❝ My heart does not beat, it aches, for you. ❞

❝ Do you even know how you make me weak? ❞

❝ If you lose your one and only, there’s always room here for the lonely. ❞

❝ Part of me aches at the thought of her being so close yet so untouchable. ❞

❝ Sometimes it feels like love and sometimes it feels like the death. ❞

❝ I don’t know where your heart is but mine is bruised. ❞

❝ I tried to wash the scars and marks from under my skin but you’re etched in me like stone.❞

❝ You call it love, but still you hate me? ❞

❝ You’re the pain and the medicine, one taste and I’m numb again. ❞

❝ With you next to me, there’s no darkness I can’t overcome.  ❞

❝ They don’t love you the way I love you. ❞

❝ What a wicked way to treat the one that loves you. ❞

❝ What’s worse, looking jealous or crazy? ❞

❝ There’s a fire starting in my heart, it’s bringing me out the dark. ❞

❝ The scars of your love remind me of us. ❞

❝ Tears of blood fall from my broken heart. ❞  

❝ Never mind, I’ll find someone like you. ❞

❝ When it’s all said and done, I’m still in love with you. ❞

❝ I want you to know that I’m all yours. ❞

❝ You could break my heart in two but when it heals, it beats for you. ❞

❝ The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it…  ❞

❝ Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time. ❞ 

❝ I know you still think about the times we had. ❞

❝ I’ve been so selfish because I love you so much. ❞

❝ You’re just like a pill, instead of making me better, you keep making me ill. ❞

❝ I bet you start loving me as soon as I start loving somebody else. ❞

❝ Do you ever think of me when you lie? ❞

❝ I fell for your lies, you hurt me, all the time. ❞

❝ Despite everything, I still remain loving you. ❞

❝ I’m waiting for the one day to come, when I can look at you and feel nothing. ❞

❝ Love creeps up on you, you never know how hard it’s there until they leave.  ❞

❝ I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to forgive myself for just how badly I broke you.. ❞

❝ What chance did we have against fate? ❞

❝ Be careful when fixing broken people. You may end up cutting yourself. ❞

❝ Every other lover will always be compared to you. ❞

❝ I would recognize your heartbeat from the ends of space. ❞

❝ Even in dreams, ghosts of former happiness haunt me. ❞

❝ You should see me when my heart is broken. I don’t grieve, I shatter. ❞

❝ Love, but don’t fall in love because everything that falls breaks. ❞

❝ If my love was a war, you only fought for the glory of winning. ❞

❝ How many hearts have you collected? How many chests have you left aching and empty? ❞  

❝ I have not broken your heart - you have broken it; and in breaking it, you have broken mine. ❞

❝ If it’s a question of my heart, you’ve got it. It don’t belong to anyone but you. ❞

[prismaseer]

I do be creeping back in here like I wasn’t totally absent for a hot year ... 

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* STARTER CALL.  

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plaguerid‌:

      HE WAS INVITED TO SIT? Julian could have scooped his jaw up off the floor- but instead he merely nods, stiff, and clambers into the seat as if it might be the only thing keeping he and the ground from coming better acquainted.

“Well, I would hardly call it a trip.” He admits, cupping both hands around the teacup and letting it’s warm snake up from his palms to the rest of his miserable body. “A flee, perhaps…. But, ah. It was good! It was good. Just… Came time for me to wander home, I suppose.” A bold faced lie and Julian knew it- but he wasn’t sure the truth would help keep this odd balance they’ve suddenly found. Civil pleasantries exchanged over smoky drinks was the polar opposite of what he’d been expecting of their next meeting. He was unwilling to be the one to tip the scales toward chaos.

Right now… It was like they went back to all months ago, when things were good and Asra sparkled like the ocean in the sunset. Where Julian tasted this very tea for the first time and realized in the melody of Asra’s jest (‘You see? I told you it was good. Better than those bitter beans you so pine after.’) that right then, right there, he must know what love felt like.

He missed him. Oh, god, how Julian missed him.

“How, uhm… How have things been here?” Julian gestures broadly to the store around them. “Interesting as always?”

Faust wiggles eagerly, unwrapping herself from the warmth of Asra’s mug to begin to slither towards their guest -- Asra is quick to scoop her up, tucking her away around his neck instead.  She’s practically beside herself at being denied, very indignantly ducks down into his shirt to pout.   “ Vesuvia isn’t really home to you though, is it ... ? “  He smiles placidly, takes a sip of his tea and fights the way his hands try to fidget -- he’s nervous.   There is a desire to reach and touch, which left unchecked could be ... problematic, at the least. 

He misses him.  He misses Julian so much -- more than a phantom half of a heart, at least.  He never feels the loss more acutely than he does in Julian’s presence.  Only half here -- never enough for Julian.   But at the moment, surrounded by loved ones and friends who don’t remember him at all or who shy away from socializing entirely it ... it’s a whole new kind of temptation. 

He wants to ask Julian if he remembers the good things too -- if they could reminisce, just for a moment.  Do you remember that time we went skinny dipping in the fountain, and you were having so much trouble getting your boots off you almost fell down the palace steps ?  Or what about the time we snuck out through the gardens, to the fields, and spent the hours stargazing -- and you told me about Brundle and about Nevivon and your life at sea, do you remember how tired we were when we went back to work ?  Having to pretend in the morning we hadn’t stolen out beneath the stars ?  

Do you remember anything other than how hateful things were, in the end ? 

He’d settle for anything.  Any moment of good memory that he could share with another person -- with a person he loves.  He doesn’t say a thing, though.  Just sits with it on his tongue and in his chest, burning him until he’s cold and tired and lonely again.  The memories don’t keep him warm for long. 

None of it shows on his face though -- perhaps in his eyes, just a bit, if Julian knows to look -- a wistful light like wishful thinking there and gone so quickly as he leans his chin on his hand and considers what Julian says. 

“ Things have been ... “  QUIET, he wants to say.  Quiet, without you.  Boring, a little bit, too -- stale and stagnant.  Julian could light up a room with his very presence.  Asra feels that loss acutely, every day, in one form or another.  “ peaceful, I think.  But not stationary.  It’s like -- the anticipation of moving forward.  The knowledge that things can’t remain the same -- like the world has been holding it’s breath for something.   ... or perhaps I have, at least. “  Whether for this, or for something else, he doesn’t know.

“ For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re home. “  ( He realizes his mistake the moment he says it.  HOME.  Like it’s here, in the shop, where he belongs.  HOME, where he’s only just said Vesuvia wasn’t really his home at all.  It’s not as much of a mistake as he wishes it were -- but that’s just one more vein of terrible, awful wishful thinking.  This shop is barely a home to Asra -- it certainly isn’t one to Julian. )  

Some traitorous voice whispers that neither of them were talking about the shop. 

Asra knows better than anyone in the world that home is not always a place. 

“ I mean -- I’m glad you’re safe. “  He looks away, as though correcting it now could change what he said.  It can’t. 

[prismaseer]

❝ Despite everything, I still remain loving you. ❞ (plaguerid)

HEART ACHE STARTERS || accepting !    ↳ @plaguerid

It is at once the first and last thing Asra wants to hear.  Something he has dreaded and longed for, at once terrified and hopeful.  ( Is he trembling ?  He can feel the way his shoulders shrink and his eyes burn – he doesn’t dare breathe.  There’s a desperate sound stuck in his throat, and he’s unsure if it’s rejection or acceptance so he just bites his tongue till he bleeds and keeps it behind his teeth. )  

Julian has always been so … so brave.  Braver than Asra has ever been, in all the ways that matter.  I STILL REMAIN LOVING YOU.  He can confess, can stand here before Asra – undoubtedly as terrified as Asra feels right now … perhaps more so.   … Does he even know Asra loves him in return ?  Does he question their shared history, wonder if any moment of it was REAL the way he used to – ?  

All Asra can remember is the way they fought, the bodies of the dead piled on vivisection tables – the way Julian had claimed he couldn’t love at all, that his love was a NOOSE that would suffocate anyone so unfortunate as to be gifted with it – just enough slack to stay alive.  Nothing substantial.  Nothing real.  Nothing enough.   He called Asra heartless, once.  

Asra’s called himself heartless every day following.  

( it isn’t as though he didn’t leave his own share of scars on Julian – called him DESPERATE and TOO MUCH, too much – not too much of one thing but too much of everything.  Too dramatic, too selfish, too self-absorbed.  Called him careless and reckless – blamed him for a loved ones death and then blamed him for another, before Julian was actually dead.  Just sick. ) 

He’s so, so afraid – there are a million what ifs in his mind.  Aren’t they a story book with an ending already written ?  They’ll only hurt each other, won’t they – Asra can never give him enough, Julian will always want too much – but how his fingers tremble, his shoulders shake, what remains of his heart in his chest beat-beat-beats rapid and quick in his ears. 

How terribly, how awfully, how wonderfully – he wants to tell Julian he loves him too.

Overwhelmed, he just starts crying instead. 

The tears burn rivers down his cheeks, and he stands so still and silent for so long, Julian must surely be preparing for the inevitable rejection of his confession – to come so far, beating Lucio back into the afterlife and the devil back into his own realm, just to be paralyzed with fear NOW. 

And abruptly, the ability to move, to make sound, returns to him – he buries his face in his palms, scrubs at the tears until his eyes feel raw and red and sobs.    ( the kind of tears that make his knees feel weak.  He hasn’t cried like this since he was a child, really – sequestered under the docks with nothing but a deck of cards to remember his parents by – he wants to curl up and disappear. ) 

“ You shouldn’t – you – “ He cuts himself off, chokes and shakes, unable to look at him.  “ You shouldn’t – you shouldn’t but I’m so glad you do. “