Secret 2nd blog woah

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Uh anyways

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I really should find a way to make us comfortable with discussing pseudomemories. Like, it feels somewhat important? Like, "yeah, (name) is weird about religion bc of how it was raised in the place it's from" or "oh of course we get weird about (character), (name) fist fought him once."

It just. Feels stupid. "Here's some stuff we daydreamed about and made up and then got attached to." It's more annoying when we're not even fictives, we're just ocs that introjected themselves. Yeah, my whole backstory? I made it up. I remember us choosing the name of my rival. I remember writing the process of me traumatizing some guy and choosing the best wording to make it sound cool.

Idk. It's important to us and we're too weird about it to comment on it freely most times

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It's disorienting to think about how different we all are. I know we've got the disorders, but actually seeing it in play is weird. A lot of times for us it just feels like putting on act and doing someone else's mannerisms and patterns. But we're still mostly "ourself". By whatever metric that means

Except we're not. Why does one of us hate our accent. There's nothing wrong with it?? How does one of us remember a code they made up, and the rest of us don't. That shouldn't be how my brain works. We're all the same person but sometimes we have a different voice. What do you mean we get different personalities and opinions too

I'm not even in denial I'm just. Huh.

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I need to bring back my color metaphor and lean into it. The difference between "me" and "me but with a different speech pattern" and "guy who is entirety different from me" is a huge range.

The color metaphor being. Looking at a color wheel, It's easy to distinguish two colors on opposite sides. Green and purple are clearly not the same color. But what about closer colors. When something is only a few hues off, when do you call it something new? Is cyan the same as teal? How different do they need to be before it gets a new name? What about periwinkle, and turquoise, and sky? They're all blue, aren't they? The lines blur and mix, and aren't that easy to tell apart. That's okay for us

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It's disorienting to think about how different we all are. I know we've got the disorders, but actually seeing it in play is weird. A lot of times for us it just feels like putting on act and doing someone else's mannerisms and patterns. But we're still mostly "ourself". By whatever metric that means

Except we're not. Why does one of us hate our accent. There's nothing wrong with it?? How does one of us remember a code they made up, and the rest of us don't. That shouldn't be how my brain works. We're all the same person but sometimes we have a different voice. What do you mean we get different personalities and opinions too

I'm not even in denial I'm just. Huh.

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I haven't been doing a lot of community work lately bc of the burnout. But I just got someone asking about (redacted local event 1) so that they could "make sure the clothes they're downsizing make their way to a good home".

And like. We've got (redacted local event 2) JUST to make a place where people can find plus sized clothes. (Local event 1) has so so many tiny clothes that's never taken because there's an over abundance of them. Meanwhile the 2nd event is always starving. "Downsizing to get clothes to good homes." the people who need these the most in our community are not the people that need clothes to be downsized

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Actually hold on. That thought about pseudomemories being stupid? Holy shit we have so much internalized ableism directed at ourselves. I'm not going to fix it because I'm not a person. But I don't think anyone knows of this??? It's not denial or a lack of understanding, it's ableism.

We've been trying to be this… tolerable system. We were never actively involved in fake claiming spaces, but we saw several friends fall to them, and we internalized so much of its logic to direct at ourself. To stay safe. Never at others, never at our friends, but always at ourselves.

Don't express that you're a system, pretend to be a singlet. Real Systems™ hide themselves and don't state that they're plural. We can't be too big, shrink the system down. Real Systems™ don't have too many people. There's only two guys, right? Ignore that the two guys are also several guys in a trenchcoat, it's only two people! We're not that fragmented. We can't be fictives, we're original. Real Systems™ don't have fictives, that's made up for clout. Don't talk about sources if you start taking faces from media. And god forbid you get memories from there. Don't talk about it, don't mention it. You're making up things to be upset over, ignore it.

It's all stuff I'd never express to my friends, but why are we living by these rules. They're not keeping us safe. They're just making me feel worse. I'm still feeling like I'm mildly on fire.

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The downside of subsystems where everyone is identical is I genuinely can't tell when we're new. Looking back, I've been here at least a few weeks, and I kept attributing my own emotions to previous anger holder. And the annoying part of no longer being dissociated 24/7 is that I'm actually catching things like this more often.

I hope fully feeling separate from the other anger holder is a temporary thing for today / this last weekish. Like soup of the week. I know 99% of what's making me angry is stupid pseudomemories I shouldn't care about and that shouldn't be affecting me. Maybe I'll blend back into the rest of them by the end of this.

But then again, I'm already fragmented from them for who knows how long. I spent so much of yesterday lingering just outside of front and remembering our accent and how it was actually trained out of us and hey that's fucked up? How much of our identity has been stripped from us to make us more “understandable” for others. How much of what I am was shaped by someone else to be what they wanted. I *should* be mad about that.

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I can barely load Tumblr so I don't know if any of these will post. I hate knowing how much me and “Blue” do actually overlap. We feel massively different, but when it comes to archetypes and roles, there's people with similarities? More than anything, I feel the same way that one of their stupid splinters felt after forming. Not with the same disorganized organized bit that they did, but with the fire. And just like me, “Blue” has got its own

Oh my god this is so annoying. What is up with the survival instinct stopping me from expressing any of this. I can't even say that I feel similar to

Really??? We're just ending sentences there??? I'm the only one in front. This sucks. How do I turn off that inability to say names. Is that just me or is that everyone that can't say things. That's everyone right. Is it always about that specific guy or is anyone's names.

Okay I was just able to type out several names so it's JUST that one guy. Weird. Someone's gotta poke the others tomorrow to see if that's universal

[thankyoumoon]

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One mention of a folklore degree on someone else's blog and apparently "guy that lurks ominously in the woods" wants a folklore degree. Yeah you would want that, wouldn't you, guy who is folklore. Humans are beautiful and creative and you want to see common threads across stories and the narration and the stories they tell, I get it. Can I sleep tho

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I'm now beginning to process that the not new skull and bones guy is the same fucking guy dealing with paganism and mythology and folklore years ago. Why wasn't I told about this sooner.

"I explicitly told you i was made of the folklore we were raised on"

Oh come on that's not fair I thought you meant like, the general concept of believing in ghosts. Not your actual namesake and worship. I liked my unending light themes, and I'm once again only just now realizing that the light themed stuff hasn't been around in A While T-T

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Why are we multithreading trains of thought. There's too many conversations happening. Someone's talking about ocs. And someone's talking about how it's cool that we've color coded ourselves. And someone else is talking about vampires in a way different from ocs. And something is talking about unmasking more. Eugh. Too loud

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Got invited to an rp group and am heavily considering it so I can give my latest "emotional support worst person on existence" more time to shine. Potentially more time to play around with it as a concept. But also there's this weird concept of like. It's not the same in a different medium? Either I play it in its backstory when it was boring but it has a lot of space for character growth, or I play it in its current era, where I'm more comfortable with but there's less ahsidhwjdh I don't even know what I'm trying to describe here

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The week before last, a friend shared with me an essay critiquing someone in the author's personal life, and I genuinely think it damaged my psyche. Gave conformation bias to all my bad conceptions. Expressing emotion of any sort, especially remorse, means you're guilt tripping people so you need to not share anything ever and delete this blog so you don't accidentally guilt trip your friends 👍 No remorse bc then people will comfort *me* instead of addressing whatever was actually done wrong; meaning I'm making the issue about Me and that's selfish and. Hold on I've made selfish a weird mindset shift trigger word that can nearly break me out of spirals

Good now except for the feedback loop

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Why are you having emotions. That was expressly not meant to happen. Stop that. How do I cure this. Guilt??? No no that doesn't belong here, what's it's name is meant to entirely contain that. Give the guilt to the kicked puppy and get over yourself, void

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DID YOU EVEN APOLOGIZE??? Insane fucking behavior

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As tempting as it is to make myself known, it's infinitely funnier to continue letting others get mistake for me. It's only to my own surprise that {> thought it entertaining as well. I wonder if I could swing anyone else into this, to cause more inconvenience and issues for everyone else

Jokes aside, it is, as always, a name issue. I *could* have prevented this by introducing myself sooner (as I have said before, I was here first, though several of us have made the same claim) but in this particular scenario, that wouldn't have helped. Give extenuating circumstances. I do enjoy the chrome moniker moreso than the one who attempted to coin it. Hiding vs adoption, I suppose. But it doesn't quite fit yet

I am aware no one cares about this beyond us. Don't concern yourself with it

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Why are you having emotions. That was expressly not meant to happen. Stop that. How do I cure this. Guilt??? No no that doesn't belong here, what's it's name is meant to entirely contain that. Give the guilt to the kicked puppy and get over yourself, void