Land of Summits and Bonds

IMPORTANT: -TRIGGER WARNING- Remember, this place is my escape. The one place I can speak my mind without being afraid of being heard.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

You ignore me all day to diamond paint and give me half assed replies when you do respond and that's fine.

But I get a little distracted because I'm spending time with someone else and that's not okay? Alright.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Fuck 2023.

I lost my job

My boyfriend moved across the country and then attempted to ghost me until I called him out to break up with me properly

I've been a financial drain for months

And then today I had to say goodbye to my eldest cat, my best friend of 17 years; which is more than half life. She was gone when I woke up this morning. I knew it was soon, but I hoped I'd have one more day..

I'm frequently lingering in su*cidal and SH-y headspaces, but it's fucking bad now.

I'm trying to make long term future plans, but it's hard to hold onto those when I don't even wanna make it till tomorrow..

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

I'm a worthless unlovable piece of shit and no one will ever want or need me the way I do them.

I think about cutting, hurting myself, and killing myself all day, every day. It's always at the back of my mind, just waiting to get loud again.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Oh good it's been like 7 hours since I heard from my boyfriend. The fear of abandonment after he's moved is already rearing its head. It's literally only been a little under 48 hours since I last saw him why am I like this

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

I cut myself two weeks ago. I still don't know why. I was drunk and apparently more sad than I thought. I picked some up and thought "oh that's sharp!" Then the next thing I know I'm bleeding. It's worse than it's ever been. That scared me. Cutting has always been about control for me, and that was the least in control of my actions I've been in a *long* time.

Now it fucking itches but it's been two and a half weeks since I hurt myself, even a little bit. I've thought about it. I've thought about it more times than I can count.

Do you ever get a little bit tired of life?

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Why do I always pick broken men who can't give me what I need.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Another night of me actually voicing that I'm in the mood and being told no.

Feels great. Love this.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

My boyfriend has NO work/life balance and honestly it's kind of killing me. I miss him. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of being turned down for sex when I can actually make myself ask for it because he's burnt himself out AGAIN. I'm tired of feeling like a one sided relationship. I'm just tired. I'm not gonna shame him or make him feel bad about taking care of the things he's got to do, but that's not gonna stop me from having feelings about it.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Every time you go to the bar "for a couple drinks" and say you won't be out too late, you always come home at like 330 in the morning...

Do you even want to be with me or is this all some jump at self preservation and the open relationship label that you proposed is to keep you from feeling guilty from doing who knows what while you're out without me...

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

"I'm feeling really lonely and not okay"

And the response is to let me stay alone. Dope. This is why I still hurt myself.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

An hour and a half ago it was "I'll be home super soon"

Half an hour ago it was "I'll be home in 10"

Just say what I know you want to say. That you'd rather be anywhere else with anyone other than me.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

My boyfriend got real drunk last night and told me he doesn't trust me and I just. I don't understand why. Our relationship is an open one because I have a girlfriend and have since before he and I knew each other. He wanted the distinction of an open relationship because of some personal shit on his end. But since he and I started seeing each other, before we were officially a couple, I've only been with him. I've spent all my time with him. When something happens, I want to share it with him. I don't go out by myself or with other people. I've been trying to be better about communicating when something is wrong rather than just saying "I'm fine" when I'm clearly stewing in something. I've been trying to overcome a hurdle I have so I can do better for him (and ultimately for me). I tell him, often, things that I love about him, that I appreciate about him, things that he does that really stick out as meaningful to me. Just the other night, we were in the car and I found myself just watching his face while he drove. He asked what was up and all I could say was that being with him just made me feel peaceful.

So what on earth did I do wrong that he doesn't trust me? And if he doesn't trust me, then what are we even doing...

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

I always have the worst timing...

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Going Downhill

I'm not really sure what I'm doing anymore. Everything is always falling apart around me all the time. No matter what I do or don't do, no matter how hard I try, I can't keep things from going to shit. And it's gotten to the point where it is too heavy again. I firmly believe in living for the little things. I am in full support of staying alive for little things that may not matter to other people. But honestly, even my little things I've been living for are losing their spark. I stream on twitch almost every day, just to have something steady to do, and it's the only thing that has stuck so far.

I don't know why the Sims of all things is what's holding my attention, but like I said, even that isn't really enough to make me want to really keep going anymore. But as long as I have my cat, I will have something. She's getting old and that makes me so nervous, but for now she's still here.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Me, a hypocrite who encourages my friends to eat and take care of themselves while actively starving myself and not eating all day? Absolutely.

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

Sometimes I feel like I’m too much. It Doesn’t help help that my ex girlfriend who was my only friend for a while has seemingly ghosted me. My heart hurts. Was I too much? Was I too honest with how my life was going? Was I oversharing? Even I got to the point where I was afraid all I do is complain so I can’t blame her, but I am sad.  I’ve been coping with sads via hyper sexuality, but like it’s not like i’m being unsafe so whatever. I’m just seeking attention because someone I cared about abandoned me. I’m fine

[privatethoughtswithbelle]

The biggest issue I have with being known as “one of the nicest people here” is the weird kind of block that my mental illness erects with that claim. I’m a nice person, I’m approachable and people are comfortable around me. Obviously I have done something to deceive them because clearly that’s not true, but now I have to do everything in my power to maintain that position because I don’t want people to be upset with me or abandon me. This means I can’t vent in spaces that are clearly designated to that. My friends tell me they are here for me now matter what, because I am constantly lending *at least* my ear to them, but I can’t actually reach out to them and talk about things, because my stuff is too heavy and they’ll all leave. I lost a friend last year, to be fair she wasn’t a good friend, but still I lost a friend. Another has been pretty clearly trying to ghost me and I’m the desperate pathetic person that won’t let her. I don’t want to lose any more friends. It doesn’t matter how big or small whatever’s bothering you is, just keep it to yourself because when people know your baggage, they leave. These kinds of thoughts run rampant through my brain all day, every day. There’s nothing I have found that stops them. The imposter syndrome and abandonment issues are becoming an overwhelming presence in my brain. I constantly find myself convinced that I am a bother, an unwanted drain on my hope, and nothing more than a punching bag for my mother and her wife. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like people don’t like me and being unable to just brush that off when I’m told I’m wrong. I shove my bad moods deeeeeeeep down so I can interact with my friends as normally as possible without burdening them with my issues. It’s exhausting. I hate constantly having to wear a happy mask face for fear of losing people. Even in my own home. I’m a little better about it at home, but not by much. Though these days, it’s november 2020 and this year has been kicking our ass so much so consistently from the beginning that I’m starting to have a really hard time keeping up the facade at home... Why can’t I just be the asshole friend instead, so no one is confused when I’m cranky and upset.