Wow (pt 2).
Wow. I made it back. Only took me two days. I just picked a fight with my boyfriend and every time that I did this week, (I know, so toxic yet self aware. How could this be?) I always feel like shit. All of it comes down to me being hard and mean to him because I'm not sure about being kind to myself. There are so many other ways I could spend my energy and time, yet I choose to fight. What does that say about me? I can't be surprised if he one day decides that he has had enough of my shit and walk right out the door, but if that day comes, I know I'll be devastated. But like, devastated because I'm used to having him around? Or because I truly love him? I've found that love is all about what one person can do for the other. And if someone marries someone that is below their means, knowing that, they are just trying to defy the truth, which is people like those that can help them when they are in need and/or because of what that other person makes them feel.
Anyways, I don't know why it's so hard for me to admit when I'm wrong. But with him, I am learning that I need to be held accountable for my actions. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. It has been going on for nearly too long that it's kind of sickening at this point. I mean, I'm a full adult, yet I am so stuck on what has happened to me in the past that it is ruining my present and future. I need to learn to move on. Things will pass. But, it's always easier said than done. My emotions tend to get the best of me. I need to learn to control them better. It'll be beneficial to me by a long way, and the other direct people in my life.
So, I got out of work today and wanted to do something but did not want to reach out to any of the "friends" I have because I don't necessarily want to be around them. I'm afraid that I will never be able to have a group of friends for myself because I'm so detached and whenever someone doesn't match my energy, I just simply X them out of my life. I wonder why? I mean, probably because my parents have always told me that all I need in this life is family. I've also seen how the people that my dad claimed to be his friends treat him, and at a very young age. It has latched onto me and made me feel that everyone is a piece of shit. No one's obviously perfect, but I can't seem to cut anyone any slack. I know there are human errors and people make mistakes, but I don't like mistakes. I feel like when I was young, I was pressured to be perfect so as a full grown adult now, I still hold myself to that same standard. It is something that needs to be revisited and worked on asap because I'm afraid it is tarnishing everything else in my life. I don't know. Maybe my first boyfriend was telling the truth when he said that I was boring...













