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[probablygoingtoforgetmypassword]

Wow (pt 2).

Wow. I made it back. Only took me two days. I just picked a fight with my boyfriend and every time that I did this week, (I know, so toxic yet self aware. How could this be?) I always feel like shit. All of it comes down to me being hard and mean to him because I'm not sure about being kind to myself. There are so many other ways I could spend my energy and time, yet I choose to fight. What does that say about me? I can't be surprised if he one day decides that he has had enough of my shit and walk right out the door, but if that day comes, I know I'll be devastated. But like, devastated because I'm used to having him around? Or because I truly love him? I've found that love is all about what one person can do for the other. And if someone marries someone that is below their means, knowing that, they are just trying to defy the truth, which is people like those that can help them when they are in need and/or because of what that other person makes them feel.

Anyways, I don't know why it's so hard for me to admit when I'm wrong. But with him, I am learning that I need to be held accountable for my actions. I need to learn to be kinder to myself. It has been going on for nearly too long that it's kind of sickening at this point. I mean, I'm a full adult, yet I am so stuck on what has happened to me in the past that it is ruining my present and future. I need to learn to move on. Things will pass. But, it's always easier said than done. My emotions tend to get the best of me. I need to learn to control them better. It'll be beneficial to me by a long way, and the other direct people in my life.

So, I got out of work today and wanted to do something but did not want to reach out to any of the "friends" I have because I don't necessarily want to be around them. I'm afraid that I will never be able to have a group of friends for myself because I'm so detached and whenever someone doesn't match my energy, I just simply X them out of my life. I wonder why? I mean, probably because my parents have always told me that all I need in this life is family. I've also seen how the people that my dad claimed to be his friends treat him, and at a very young age. It has latched onto me and made me feel that everyone is a piece of shit. No one's obviously perfect, but I can't seem to cut anyone any slack. I know there are human errors and people make mistakes, but I don't like mistakes. I feel like when I was young, I was pressured to be perfect so as a full grown adult now, I still hold myself to that same standard. It is something that needs to be revisited and worked on asap because I'm afraid it is tarnishing everything else in my life. I don't know. Maybe my first boyfriend was telling the truth when he said that I was boring...

[probablygoingtoforgetmypassword]

Wow.

I have not been on this site in YEARS. I have just tried to regain access to my old account and failed miserably once again. The username I chose for this account is actually quite accurate. I've missed it here. I don't know what it is about venting to the world on a public domain and little to no actual information about who I am. What I'm probably going to be using this for is somewhat of a digital diary that I will remember to update from time to time. I doubt anyone reading this. I can talk for hours about life and what goes on, but I have a way with words where I say a lot but not a lot at the same time. Those that get it, get it.

Anyways, I'm back today because when I tried speaking to a therapist before, they were actually terrible, or maybe I am such an enigma that I was running circles around them, which would explain why they always asked me the same question in different ways. I think I'm well aware of who and what I am so therapy won't work for me. Maybe I just didn't make sense and they couldn't connect the dots because it was tangent after tangent. My emotions are obviously high and quite raw, which is the best time for me to write because then it's like...refreshing? That there's a human on this earth that can actually use their words to express how they're feeling? No matter what it is, it is simply me.

Perhaps I'm overanalyzing and need to take a chill pill, but then again, what is that? Lol. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me get straight to what I actually wanted to vent about.

It's about me and my past traumas. I am in a long term relationship. There have been many potholes along the way, but problems always seem to arise from them no matter how much time has passed. Whether it's about it messing with my tires, brakes, suspension...there's always something. This is my third serious relationship time around (or maybe first? Considering that this is my FIRST serious adult relationship). Anyways, I'm afraid that I subconsciously feel incapable of receiving love because my parents never really showed me love. They never said 'I love you' or anything like that. My father is actually quite emotionally constipated and I'm afraid that I've picked that up as well. My mother started saying 'I love you' before we hang up and each time, it gets me by surprise. I think I just told on myself right there...my feeling of feeling like I am undeserving of love is because my parents never showed that to me when I was younger and it has always been affecting my relationships. I mean, my siblings and I don't even hug each other and when we try to now, to me, it just feels so weird because we don't do that, yet, my love language is physical touch, but like the sweet kind, hand holding especially. It's the subtle PDA that I like about hand holding versus everything else that, to me, equates to love.

Ha...and now that I'm back on Tumblr, all the memories of how I used to scroll for hours to find inspiration is rushing back and I am no longer thinking about my mental and emotional issues lol. This is great. Maybe I'll return one day when the memories don't flow back anymore and I can continue to use this for the intention of my personal diary.