Wow.
I have not been on this site in YEARS. I have just tried to regain access to my old account and failed miserably once again. The username I chose for this account is actually quite accurate. I've missed it here. I don't know what it is about venting to the world on a public domain and little to no actual information about who I am. What I'm probably going to be using this for is somewhat of a digital diary that I will remember to update from time to time. I doubt anyone reading this. I can talk for hours about life and what goes on, but I have a way with words where I say a lot but not a lot at the same time. Those that get it, get it.
Anyways, I'm back today because when I tried speaking to a therapist before, they were actually terrible, or maybe I am such an enigma that I was running circles around them, which would explain why they always asked me the same question in different ways. I think I'm well aware of who and what I am so therapy won't work for me. Maybe I just didn't make sense and they couldn't connect the dots because it was tangent after tangent. My emotions are obviously high and quite raw, which is the best time for me to write because then it's like...refreshing? That there's a human on this earth that can actually use their words to express how they're feeling? No matter what it is, it is simply me.
Perhaps I'm overanalyzing and need to take a chill pill, but then again, what is that? Lol. I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me get straight to what I actually wanted to vent about.
It's about me and my past traumas. I am in a long term relationship. There have been many potholes along the way, but problems always seem to arise from them no matter how much time has passed. Whether it's about it messing with my tires, brakes, suspension...there's always something. This is my third serious relationship time around (or maybe first? Considering that this is my FIRST serious adult relationship). Anyways, I'm afraid that I subconsciously feel incapable of receiving love because my parents never really showed me love. They never said 'I love you' or anything like that. My father is actually quite emotionally constipated and I'm afraid that I've picked that up as well. My mother started saying 'I love you' before we hang up and each time, it gets me by surprise. I think I just told on myself right there...my feeling of feeling like I am undeserving of love is because my parents never showed that to me when I was younger and it has always been affecting my relationships. I mean, my siblings and I don't even hug each other and when we try to now, to me, it just feels so weird because we don't do that, yet, my love language is physical touch, but like the sweet kind, hand holding especially. It's the subtle PDA that I like about hand holding versus everything else that, to me, equates to love.
Ha...and now that I'm back on Tumblr, all the memories of how I used to scroll for hours to find inspiration is rushing back and I am no longer thinking about my mental and emotional issues lol. This is great. Maybe I'll return one day when the memories don't flow back anymore and I can continue to use this for the intention of my personal diary.
