Problematic Fan Works

Heyooo this is Problems funky fresh new blog for all my funky godawful writing bless. Warnings for nsfw, gore, non con etc bad shit tm and general assholishness. Do not follow if 17 or under.

[nautilidea]

This is the ritual to lead me on.

[problematicfan]

Obsessed with the idea of an au where Alan becomes the director of the FBC but instead of being chosen by the Service Weapon he's chosen by Mr Scratch.

[problematicfan]

I need to find people to talk about Alan wake with, I'm so obsessed with it rn but none of my friends are into it. And here I am at eleven at night plot boarding out a ScratchWake fic like a maniac and all I wanna do is show someone else the dumb line I just wrote. This is my Roman empire, I will physically explode into a thousand tinier me's out of sheer love for this damp man in his silly little jacket.

[problematicfan]

Writing Scratch and Alan like, what if I just have Scratch call Alan the sweetest most tooth rotting pet names but make it semi mocking and cruel?

I just think Scratch should grab Alan by the jaw in a bruising grip and call him smth pretty.

[nautilidea]

Coffee World time

reference:

[batmansdeadparents]

Not a big fan of this guy

[quietwingsinthesky]

HE STEALS A CARDBOARD CUT-OUT OF ALAN AND THEN PROCEEDS TO CARRY IT AROUND FOR AN ENTIRE EPISODE, AND I’M NOT SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE HE’S THE BEST CHARACTER???

[waerwena]

[quietwingsinthesky]

what if barry wheeler-centric fanfic. what then.

Someone had to pick up the pieces.

And that was what he did, right? The real job every agent knew they were signing up for was janitorial.

Alan was gone. It didn’t feel real to Barry, and maybe that was why he was the one in Alice’s kitchen making her dinner when she couldn’t even get out of bed. Alan was gone, but Barry walked by his office and expected to hear him groaning at his desk about a sentence he liked too much and knew he has to cut. Alan was gone, and he even took his last manuscript with him.

Real selfish, Al, Barry thought, don’t you know I’ve gotta eat, too? He knocked on the door that led to what was Alan and Alice’s bedroom. He waited. She didn’t say anything, but the light escaping under the crack of the bedroom door was on, always on. (Not like Barry didn’t keep every light in his home running as well. Alan was still paying for their electricity bills.) He left her plate by the door, like maybe the smell of it would coax her out.

Barry had never liked her. Alice had never liked him much back. They both loved Alan too much, and they had both walked away alive because he hadn’t.

He figured out a new course for himself: the Old Gods of Asgard, who partied like they were half their age and drank like death couldn’t touch them. Repping them was a dream come true. Even when they finally faltered, one last tour while Barry set up funds for a retirement home. He should have made sure the construction was going as planned in person.

He couldn’t. Bright Falls swallowed his best friend whole, and he was supposed to believe it wasn’t hungry for seconds? Not a chance. But that old crazy pair headed back into the maw of the town like they were used to holding it wide open with swords. (He’d been rereading Alan’s books too much. His metaphors took root in Barry’s head. He still has Alan’s voice on talkshows and radio interviews, but his books sounded more like him than anything. With a plummet in Barry’s stomach, he wondered if Alan really did belong on the page, in a story, all along.)

The movies took most of the narration word-for-word. Barry had to fight for that, had to call in more favors than he really had to spare.

What else was he supposed to do, sit on the rights to Alex Casey and let him rot away in those books? Let him die in there?

Alan would have loved hearing the words he wrote on the screen. He would have hated that Barry made them change the ending, even if only a little bit, just the suggestion that his title character didn’t bleed out in a back alley, that maybe the light he saw before his eyes shut for the final time wasn’t hellfire or heaven’s gates, but a friendly flashlight and a person looking to help.

They had cut-outs of Alan at the premiere next to ones of the stars. Barry had thought it was funny when he’d ordered them.

He hadn’t realized how long it had been since he’d seen Alan’s face like that, so clear and close. The years were passing, and Barry felt every single one. Suddenly, the plan to smuggle one into the back of his car and drive it home seemed a lot less funny with no one else there to laugh about it.

He couldn’t bring himself to go back to Bright Falls, but some nights, Night Springs was on the air. Some nights, Alan’s words came to find him rather than the other way around.

And Barry thought, maybe this time, as the signal on his janky TV fuzzed out and Alan’s old dialogue faded — maybe this time Barry would shut his eyes and when he opened them again, there would be a page on the floor, telling him what he was supposed to do next, telling him he wasn’t holding onto that last sliver of hope in vain.

Come on, Al. How hard was one page for a novelist?

[problematicfan]

You cannot tell me that when Alan eventually escapes the Dark Place, Barry and Alice aren't going to hover. This man won't get a moment to himself without one of them attached to him like glue, not after he went and vanished into a hell dimension for some thirteen plus odd years. I'm just picturing him being so touched at first, equally grabby and clingy, probably a bit touched starved after thirteen years of having very little physical contact with anyone not trying to kill him. After a while though I imagine to the constant smothering would begin to chafe. A man needs some time to himself every once in a while y'know?

There'd be bickering about the whole thing, Alan insisting he can walk down the street without spiriting away somewhere strange and neither of them believing him. It all comes to a head when Barry offers (demands) to hire him a bodyguard.

--

"Really Barry?" Alan asked, incredulous. "A bodyguard?"

"Yeah Al," Barry shot back, matching Alan's exasperation with a firm, take no shit attitude and a glare. "A bodyguard. No offense pal but the last time you went and wandered off alone you trapped yourself in a literal," he waved his hands about, "nightmare dimension! Scuse me if I'm not too keen on giving that a repeat."

Alan sighed, scrubbing his hands through his hair, now cut neatly around his ears as opposed to the messy waves it had grown and tangled into while he was away. "Barry-"

He started but was cut off by an agressive, "Uhp uhp uhp," and a finger wag as Barry crossed the distance between them to shove that wagging finger in his face. "Don't you Barry me mister bestseller," he squinted, getting up close and personal enough that Alan could probably count his friends nose hairs with a little effort. "You're the one who wanted us to stop 'hovering'," the finger quotes and mocking tone felt a little uncalled for, not that Barry gave him a chance to say so, "all the time. Well," he spread his arms out, "this is how you get that, no more hovering, zip, nilch, nada, so long as you get a god damn bodyguard."

"Barry-" Alan tried again, already exhausted despite the fond warmth settling into his chest. As overbearing as Barry could be sometimes, Alan had missed him terribly. He'd take the nagging and the hovering and all the nonsense that came with Barry Wheeler so long as he got to keep him around. Still, he'd forgotten how very much like wrestling with a runaway train arguing with Barry could be, at least when he was adamant about something.

"Nope!" Barry cut him off yet again and Alan rolled his eyes. "Compromise Al, the beauty of compromise!" He carried on, cheerful, like he could tell he was winning. He probably could, Barry had always been able to read him like a book. Time and distance hadn't managed to change that somehow. "You get a bodyguard, and I don't lock you in your apartment until you're fifty!" He set his hands on his hips proudly, "everybody wins!"

"Barry!" Alan choked on a laugh, "you wouldn't!"

"You wanna bet on that pal?" He shot back, pleased as can be. Something about Alan there and real and present and laughing mid argument did something to lighten his mood, loosen the stress that had settled around his shoulders at the idea of him walking out that apartment door alone. Sure reasonably he knew there was very little danger of anything happening to Al here, this far from Bright Falls and all the weirdness it embodied.

But that didn't stop him from worrying.

"Come on," he coaxed, grabbing at Alan's arm and sheparding him towards the couch despite Alan's moody, half-hearted grumbling. "I've already started vetting some people, you can help me pick someone. Right now I'm leaning towards this redheaded lady, Jesse something but I think if I called in a few favors I could probably convince Sarah to quit the whole FBI thing and come babysit you for a while-"

Alan settled onto the couch at Barry's insistance, let him push a laptop into his hands and pull up research and resumes, profiles, little things he'd dug up about all the candidates he had in mind. He let the chatter wash over him as he relaxed, warm and safe, light shining in through the living room windows spilling across their laps. If he really listened he could hear Alice on the phone in the other room, the distant sound of traffic outside, people and birds and life happening all around him. A long, soft sigh left him as he relaxed into it.

It was good to be home.

--

This got away from me a little but I'm not sorry I miss BARRY!!

[patroclusdefencesquad]

i think at some point jaskier and yennefer will be bickering and he will say something insulting and then "my dear, darling wife" and she will let out the most unseemly snort ever and they will both break out into laughter and from then on that's the only way they refer to each other

[valdomarx]

“Geralt. My dearest friend. My closest companion. Light of my life, fire of my-”

Geralt narrows his eyes. “What do you want, Jaskier?”

“Seeing as how I’ve made you famous, and I flatter myself that this has eased you path somewhat, why, this very inn not only took us in but even offered us a discounted rate-”

“What do you want, Jaskier?” Testier this time.

“Ahh. Well. Let me put it plainly: I’m in need of a favour.”

Geralt raises one eyebrow, in an expression he knows speaks volumes.

“I need you to come with me to Lettenhove this winter and pose as my fiancé.”

Geralt nearly drops the sword he’s sharpening. A million thoughts whip through his mind, but one is most pressing: “Why, for Melitele’s sake?”

Jaskier waves a hand in a vague and non-descriptive gesture. “It’s a court thing, you know how families are, and my mother has made it abundantly clear that it’s time for me to settle down and this year I’m to return affianced or else she’ll select someone for me. And I can’t get hitched to some local lady, Geralt, I simply can’t, it’ll ruin my bardic appeal, not to mention my employment prospects, and of course I won’t be able to travel with you, and it’s-”

Geralt holds up a hand to ward off the wall of words. The idea of no longer travelling with Jaskier is unconscionable, not that he’d ever admit that out loud. And they spend so much time together they’re practically married anyway. How hard could it be to pretend for a few days?

“Fine,” he says gruffly.

“Oh, Geralt, you are wonderful.” Jaskier beams and throws his arms around Geralt’s neck. Geralt growls, but secretly, it’s actually rather nice.

Keep reading

[problematicfan]

Hey so I'm looking to find a modern fantasy rp server to hang out in I'd anybody knows a good one. Not for fandom stuff just for oc's. So if anyone knows any discord servers that are fancy and fun hmu boo.

[autisticgeralt]

consider: roach reincarnation au

so when geralt makes that last wish with the djinn he just wishes that he’ll never lose those he loves

bc he looks at yennefer and is terrified that after that day they’ll go their seperate ways and never see each other again, so the djinn makes sure they KEEP crossing paths

he looks at jaskier and he knows that the fragile human bard is going to grow old and die, so the djinn makes him immortal

and he looks at roach and, well, he knows its fairly unlikely he’ll be without a horse for any extended period of time, but it won’t be the same, it wont be roach.

so the djinn makes sure that it is roach. every time geralt gets a new horse its a grumpy brown one who recognises him and already responds to her name, and thats why every horse he’s ever had is named roach.

(it totally fucks with jaskiers mind when he first sees her reincarnation. geralt mentions roach and jaskier thinks, wow i can’t believe that horse is still alive, until he sees her and its a different - wait no, its the same - what the fuck? he cant blame that on his skincare routine, thats just weird)

[ceasarslegion]

Some of yall really misunderstand the dynamic between Geralt and Jaskier in fanfiction here... out here portraying Jaskier as some perpetual damsel in distress while Geralt is the big strong tough if emotionally-stunted saviour.

No, no. It's all wrong. Jaskier is feral. Geralt is tired. Did y'all watch the show?? Read a single chapter of the books??? Played an hour of the games???

Think of that djinn scene. Y'all know the one. "Your voice is like a fillingless pie." Here's the thing: Geralt just wanted a nap. That's it. Just some sleepy time. Mans couldn't sleep. Good night. Jaskier wanted his ex to come crawling back to him while the man she left him for dropped dead from sudden-onset apoplexy without even stuttering. Geralt is the "Butcher of Blaviken." Jaskier is named after a flower.

Now think of the entirety of Butchers and Banquets. Did we watch the same episode? Geralt just wanted to sit in the back and let it go by as a favour for his barker who wouldn't shut his daft ass up begging him for it until he finally gave in anyway. Jaskier couldn't get 2 minutes into it before a member of the royal family cornered him and threatened his life because Jaskier physically could not stop himself from sleeping with his wife. Feral.

If I read one more fic where Jaskier stutters and retreats into himself for any reason because he's 90 pounds soaking wet and apparently all us twinky stick men Must Be Shy I will, as another Certified Feral Twinky Stick Man, supercut a feral Jaskier compilation and sit y'all down in front of it with popcorn because it's just the entirety of his screen time. Geralt cold clocked him directly in the dick in his introductory episode to get him to go away and he just got right back up with a smile on his face. I'd be more scared of Jaskier than I would be of Geralt because at least Witchers only do the things they're paid to do, and with Geralt he always examines it through morality, but Jaskier wouldn't hesitate to fucking kill me if I crossed him no matter what the moral implications were

[penny-anna]

‘jaskier can flirt just not when Geralt is around’ is such an amazing hc tho… strong possibility that Geralt has NO idea… he’s known Jaskier for like 20 years and remains baffled as to how he has so much game when his idea of flirting is to tell someone they have a neck like a sexy goose. he concluded a long time ago that it’s just one of those things he’ll never understand.

but then it comes up around Yennefer and she’s like ‘oh yeah his powers stop working when you’re around’

Geralt: his what now?

Yennefer: his powers of charm & seduction. they stop working when you’re around.

Geralt: ?????

Yennefer: he says your face throws him off

Geralt: jaskier has powers of seduction?

Yennefer: of course he does?? how did you think he got me to sleep with him? he’s very charming. but only when you aren’t there.

Geralt: …

Geralt:

[autisticgeralt]

geralt: *injured*

jaskier: let me kiss it better :)

geralt: what no

magical inhuman!jaskier: *smooch* there :)

geralt: *now healed* what the . fuck

[autisticgeralt]

Jaskiers never been close to someone who gets injured as badly, or as often, as Geralt. and hes never been close to somone who knows what its like to be injured as well as Geralt.

He knows that when he kisses a bruise, the pain goes away - and bleeding wounds often aren’t as dramatic as they first seemed before he kissed them. But thats just how kisses work, right? thats the whole point of “kissing it better” - it hurts less when you are cared for, and once you’ve calmed down you’ll see there was nothing to panic about anyway.

But Geralt knows somethings up. When he’s injured he knows exactly how badly, how painfully, and how long it should take to heal. what he doesnt know is what the fuck Jaskier is and what the hell he’s just done to him.

Jaskier is adamant that its just because nobodys ever kissed him better before - which is tragic, and he will definitely be changing that - so the moody “emotionless” witcher just needs to believe in love and being loved.

[roughentumble]

#gafldksjghdf #jaskier: *has magic healing powers* this is just how kissing works. geralt. this is how kissing works. #you're telling me no-one has ever kissed you before??geralt?

[penny-anna]

#geralt: that. that cannot possibly be right. right??? that cant be right. youre just weird. it has to be that youre just weird. right??????#geralt: that doesn't sound right but i dont know enough about [affection] to dispute it