It's all starting to sink in now. I know I have to cry this out, so I can let it go. So I can let you go.
For the longest time I thought I was ready, Mama Judy. Yesterday, it all happened and I really wasnât ready at all. It breaks me so bad deep inside, every time I think of everything. I recall all the things weâve done together. I think of all the times I went with you to your check-ups. The times we got late because of the traffic. The longest MRT ride I did, just to see you. It was all worth it, it was all worth it. I would always remember the times you brought me a lot of groceries. They were heavy! You brought them all the way from Hsinchu to Taipei, for me. I would always remember the times I went over to your place. Not the best memory, but hell, those are parts of the fun memories I have of you. I remember bringing a shitload of hotpot dim sum so we could cook it together.
I remember the time Mom and bro came over to see you. I remember bringing my brother to see you. Taking a bus, figuring out how to go to the hospital. That was fun. It will be one of the things that will always remind me of you. I still remember when I had to say goodbye because I needed to head back to Taipei. Taking the HSR, when I could have taken a bus, which would be cheaper. But we took the HSR anyway because I was already so tired I wanted to sleep. I remember the last time I hugged you. I wouldnât want to let go. I wasnât sure when I was going to see you again. I went back to Manila and there you were. We even celebrated your birthday together. The night I left, I called you up to tell you I'm leaving.. again. With a hope to see you again when I get back.
I could have done a lot better than that. I could have spent more time with you. I could have been more focused on you than anyone else. After all, youâre the reason why I wanted to be here.Â
I know I have to let these emotions go, Mama Judy. I need to let you go. Youâre in a far better place now. Pain-free. Happy. At peace. This is all for the better. You were in pain, everything was in chaos. You know how happy I am for you now. But I just have to let this all out. I have to write everything down so it wouldnât be that painful anymore. I feel broken, but I know I shouldnât. I know you would;t want me to feel like this. Life always goes on. The sooner I let these feelings go, the earlier I could start patching things up and focus on my priorities in life. My new priorities in life.
Thank you for everything, Mama Judy. For always reminding me to stay alert. For telling me to take care of myself. And for assuring Mom that I can take care of myself here. Thank you for feeding me really good food. Thank you for giving me cash, because like you said, you wouldn't need it anymore. Being away from the family is hard. And you've been away from the family for a very long time. I can never imagine how hard it was for you. I love you, Mama Judy. I'll love you always.
Every hello has to end in a goodbye. And goodbyes are the most painful thing. Help me accept this goodbye easier.
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